King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 7, Episode 20 - Racist Dawg - full transcript
Hank is accused of being a racist when Ladybird barks at a black repairman.
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FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
and 20th CENTURY FOX
TELEVISION
(screams)
Oh... oh, my God!
Bill!
Ew! Where you eating nachos?
(Lady Bird groaning)
Mom, why is Mr. Dauterive
kissing Dad?
Oh, Bobby, don’t watch.
We called 9-1-1, shug.
Wow, I can't believe
how fast they've responded
considering I didn't give them
my real address.
(coughing)
What in the hell
is going on?
I smelled something
coming from your house.
Not the usual smell of cooking
and pine cleaner, happiness.
It was gas.
Gas?
Oh, my God, the water heater.
Lady Bird, for the life of me
I don't know what I did wrong
when I installed this unit
yesterday.
(sighs, grumbling)
Hank, the repairman
from the church circular
will be here any minute.
Now, honey, I know that this
is hard for you,
but after last night,
we need a second opinion.
Peggy, I know I can fix it.
Let me give it another shot.
We can't risk it.
I cannot bear the thought
of going to sleep tonight
and waking up with Bill
slobbering on me again.
(gags)
You must be Mr. Walker.
No, Mr. Walker
is what they call my father.
Please call me Mack.
Well, Mack, Reverend Stroup
sure did give you
a shining letter
of recommendation.
She said you were the answer
to the church's sewer problems.
(chuckling)
That's nice to hear.
But I'm not only a plumber,
I'm also a deacon
at the church.
I like to think of myself
as a handyman for God.
Hello.
You must be the repairman
that Peggy called
behind my back.
Mack, this is my husband, Hank.
He's the one
who almost killed us.
(groans)
Uh-huh.
I said the same thing.
(metal clanking)
Mmm. Interesting.
I find it interesting
that you tapped the pipe
with a three-quarter wrench
instead of a five-eighth,
but to each his own.
(sotto voce):
I guess.
Mr. Hill, did you know that I've
been repairing water heaters
and water heater accessories
for over 20 years?
What a coincidence.
I've been selling propane
and propane accessories
for over 20 years.
I bet we both seen a lot
of crazy things in our day, huh?
Boy, I know what you mean.
I had this fella one time...
nice fella, a chiropractor...
(chuckling):
He tried to use
first-stage plastic tubing
for a second-stage regulator.
(both laughing)
I bet I can top that!
I know a guy, installed
a brand-new water heater
without checking
the old Gumson seals.
Next thing he knew,
he woke up on his own front lawn
after his neighbor dragged him
to safety.
Nice fella, propane salesman.
What?
Are you referring to me?
Was that a shot?
That was a shot,
wasn't it?
Look, I need to remove
a section of the drywall
to get to the pipes
for further inspection.
I got to get my Dry Vac
before that dust gets
into the vents.
(growling)
Hey, girl.
(snarling)
Hello. I'm Bobby.
Are you here to fix
the gas leak?
Hey, Bobby, I think
your dog hates me.
(snarling)
I don't know why
you'd think that.
I've never seen her smile
at anyone before.
I got a dog
at home
and I know when a dog
has ill intent
in his heart
and that dog's
looking at me
like I'm a pair of
meat-bone slippers.
(laughing):
"Meat-bone slippers."
I'm going to get a pen
to write that down.
Don't say anything
while I'm gone.
(growling)
(laughing)
Man, Mr. Walker is so funny.
He's got this great routine
about how Lady Bird wants to
(deep voice):
"Rip out my throat."
(laughing)
He asked me to hit her
in the head with a brick.
What in the hell is funny
about that?
Maybe Bobby didn't
tell it right.
(growling)
What's up, girl?
Huh, that's strange.
Mr. Walker, you in there?
WALKER:
Yes, I'm in here.
The door seems to be locked,
but there’s not lock
on this door.
I tied it off
with a cord.
Look, I... I still have
the right to observe your work.
I just want to
finish up the job
without getting
bit by your dog.
My dog would never bite you.
Well, she hasn't
stopped growling at me
since I got here.
(growling)
(gasps):
Right there!
See! She's giving me
the evil eye.
She's a hell hound.
That's not true.
(growling)
You know what she loves?
She loves to have her belly
rubbed.
And I love the use
of all of my fingers.
Come on, give her a rub.
She's sweet.
Okay.
Hold her tight.
I got her.
(whimpering)
See there,
she likes you.
(snarling)
Tell her she's
a good doggie.
Good... doggie.
(baby voice):
Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
(barks)
Lady Bird,
what's wrong with you?!
(barking)
I'll tell you
what's wrong with her.
She's full of hate.
Black hate!
That is preposterous.
(barking)
What is with all the barking?
Mr. Walker
is upsetting Lady Bird.
I'm upsetting her
because I'm a black man.
(barking)
That is a lie!
You’re just nervous,
which is making her nervous.
Hank, get that dog out of here!
But, Peggy, he...
Now, Hank!
(growling)
Mack, I apologize
for my husband.
He's always had
an unhealthy relationship
with that dog.
Listen, we're making hamburgers
on the grill
and I insist that you join us
for lunch.
I hope you like ketchup.
(sighs):
Can you believe that guy?
First he kicks me off
my own water heater
then he has the nerve
to call Lady Bird prejudiced.
Yeah, man, talking
about ol' Lady Bird, man.
Like dang ol' disposition
of dove, man.
Coo, ooh, ooh, ooh.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, Lady Bird's so nice
she'd let someone eat out
of her own bowl.
No matter how drunk they were.
Of course, I'm white.
Thank you for
having me for lunch.
Everything
looks delicious.
Well, thank you,
Mack.
It is.
You know, Mr. Walker,
Lady Bird never acts the way
she did this morning.
I honestly don't know
what got into her.
I guess she was still feeling
the effects
of nearly being gassed
to death last night.
Pickle?
Mr. Hill, I admit,
maybe I threw the race card
at your dog a little too fast.
But I swear I thought
she was going to throw
a few teeth my way.
BOBBY:
"Teeth my way."
(laughing):
Brilliant.
Well, I don't know much
about these kind of things,
Mr. Walker.
But I do know that a man
should not be judged
by the color of his skin
but by the actions of his heart,
I tell you what.
Amen!
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
This is flavorful.
I wish my wife knew her way
around a burger.
Well, let me get
you another one.
All right, but
if my wife calls,
tell her
I just had one.
(chuckling)
(laughing):
Did you hear that?
He's henpecked.
You can't turn this guy off.
(growls)
Call her off!
Good doggie!
Good doggie!
(snarling)
(snarling)
Ow!
Bad doggie!
Lady Bird, no!
(barking)
(snarling)
(barking)
(growls)
Well, I-I don’t think
she broke the skin,
but better safe
than sorry.
Mr. Walker, I accept
full responsibility
for Lady Bird's actions,
but you've got to believe me,
she is not prejudiced.
I know she's not prejudiced.
She's racist.
No, she's not.
She's just getting old
and she must have developed
an acute fear of strangers.
BOBBY:
Hey, Dad,
the mailman is here.
Hello, you must be Mr. Hill.
I'm your new mailman.
Mr. Peters retired yesterday
after 25 years.
Boy, that was some party.
(panting)
Get your dog a chew toy.
I quit!
See you in church!
(sighs)
Yep.
Yep.
Mmm... yep.
My dog is a racist.
She bit that repairman
who happens to be black.
Haven't black people
been through enough?
Yeah, man, talkin' about
all man created equal, man.
Just like dang ol' pursuit
of happiness, too, man.
There's only two ways
to handle it, Hank.
You either shoot her between
the eyes Old Yeller style,
or you sneak up
from behind
and get her in the
back of the head.
Either way, it'll
cost you ten bucks.
I'll choke her for five
and you can keep the head!
PEGGY:
Well, I'll tell you right now
we cannot have that
dog running a muck,
biting every black
person she sees.
It makes us look like
ignorant rednecks.
Oh, and it's bad for
black people, too.
(sighs)
Where did we go wrong, Peggy?
Bobby, I know you're,
uh, knowledgeable
of the black videos
and whatnot.
And right now I need you
to use your love of, uh,
Puffy and Diddy and Snoopy
to help me.
Is it about Lady Bird?
Yes. Yes, it is.
(rapping):
♪ Drivin' down the street
in my Escalade ♪
♪ Drinkin' Cris like Swiss Miss
in a chick parade. ♪
Now, Dad,
you keep petting her
and feeding her treats
while Lady Bird
just takes it all in.
Check out his bling-bling.
♪ ♪
There, there, girl.
Just flow with the nice music
and bling-bling.
Lady Bird, no!
Give them a chance.
Hurry, they're about to have
the pool party!
HANK (sighing):
Lady Bird, don't you get it?
A man should not be judged
by the color of his skin,
but by...
but by the actions of his heart!
Mmm. Mm-hmm.
Well, hello, Mrs. Stogner.
How is LuLu doing with
the pillow chewing?
That bitter apple spray
you suggested worked wonders.
Excellent.
Let me guess what this
little lady's problem is?
She looks like a barker to me,
huh?
Bet she keeps the neighbors up
all night. Am I right?
No.
She doesn't bark; she bites.
This sweet dog bites people?
I don't believe it.
Uh, actually,
she only bites, uh...
(whispering):
Black people.
I didn't know she was
a prejudiced pup
when I picked her
from the litter.
She just looked
so darn cute.
Well, that is ridiculous.
I can assure you
that your dog is not racist.
Oh, thank God.
You see,
dogs only follow
subconscious cues
from their owners.
Well,
what does that mean?
That means that you are the one
who is racist, Mr. Hill.
(gasps)
Oh, and by the way,
my girlfriend
is African American.
You sicken me.
(groans)
What's up, Hank?
Not much.
Hey, Roger,
I didn't realize
that was you.
(chuckles nervously)
How are you doing?
Could I get you
a cup of coffee?
I just poured one.
Have you seen the cream?
There you go, Roger.
Some cream
for your coffee.
Whoa! That's enough, Hank.
Is something bothering you?
(sighs)
Well, to be
honest, Roger,
I was accused
of being a racist.
Hank Hill a racist?
But you got me my job here.
Wait. The guy who called you
that, was he wearing a bow tie?
It's not a pretty thing
to be accused of
I tell you what.
You're really shook up
about this.
Look, I know
you're not like that.
But if it'll make you
feel better,
you should take
this Internet test
my brother-in-law
made us take
last Thanksgiving.
It's a good test.
Said I was "racially unbiased"
and I love gay people.
I didn't see that one coming,
but I'm happy.
Roger, show me this test.
Faster, Hank!
If you don't finish
within the time limit,
it voids the test!
But I don't remember
what keys to press.
Does the letter "E"
stand for white or black?
And what's "I"?
Is it good or bad?
I don't know.
Just push one!
You don't have time
to think about it.
That's how the
test works.
It's on a
subconscious level.
Go, go, go!
This thing is so...
Hey, guys.
What's going on?
Hank's taking
the racist test.
Oh, wow.
Is he a racist?
We don't know yet.
I'm trying to concentrate.
Yeah, what are you,
some kind of racist?
You're almost there, buddy.
Quiet.
This test has to be
some kind of a joke.
I mean how can it determine
if you're racist or not?
Almost done.
Just a couple more.
There, you're finished.
Now we just wait
while it tallies up your score.
Well, I don’t think
you can really go by something
like this.
I'm sure it's more of a game.
You know, for fun.
(chuckles)
"Your test results show
that you strongly prefer
the company of white people."
What?!
Wow, and the "strongly"
is flashing.
Ugh! Man!
This test is 100% incorrect.
I do not prefer
white people over...
others.
Roger, tell 'em.
I poured you cream!
Monday's the earliest
I could schedule a repairman
to fix the water heater.
But I boiled up some water
for a sponge bath
and had enough left over
for a cup of tea
a cup of soup
and a boiled egg.
Fine.
What's wrong?
You can have the egg.
I took this stupid
racial preference test
on the Internet today
in front of the whole office
and failed miserably.
The results claim
that I only like white people.
A test?
Come on, faster, Peggy.
You're nearly done.
Don't rush me!
I can't even remember
what keys to push here.
See? I told you
it was stupid.
There's no way this test
can determine anything.
I can't even believe
I'm taking it.
There. There,
you've finished.
Now it adds up
your crazy score.
You know, I don't even care
what it says
because this test
is absolutely Stu...
Oh, yeah!
Strongly prefer
the company of black people?
Well, you can’t argue
with results, Hank.
Quite honestly,
I think it's a pretty good test.
Honey, check to see
if there’s paper in the printer.
I want to make a copy.
CHOIR:
♪ Amen. ♪
Please be seated.
For today's sermon, I'd like all
the children of the flock
to gather up front.
You sicken me.
Can anyone tell me
what color this is?
ALL:
White.
How about this one?
ALL:
Black.
Very good.
Did you know that God created
all the colors
and loves them all equally?
That's why he puts them
in the same box.
Unfortunately, there are some
people in the world
who would prefer to keep white
crayons in their own box
separate from the other crayons.
(sighs)
Hank, Reverend Stroup
loaned us a tool
to help with our burden.
And by virtue of my desire
to be around black people,
I will help guide you
on the road to recovery.
What am I supposed
to do with these?
They're racial tolerance dolls.
You practice interacting
with them.
I will not play
with dolls.
Do you want me to tell
Reverend Stroup
you wouldn't even try?
(sighs)
What do I have to do?
The first step
to recovery is to admit
that you have a problem
with black people.
But I don't.
A man should not be judged
by the color of his skin,
but by the actions...
Admit it!
Sorry, Hank,
but it's part of the treatment.
Now admit it!
If you found those dolls
in my room,
I swear I've never seen them
before.
Relax, Bobby.
They belong
to your father.
Dad plays with dolls?
Mm-hmm.
No, I'm not playing
with dolls.
I'm, uh,
interacting with them.
Oh. Can I interact
with the dolls, too?
(sighs)
Sure, son, let's
interact together.
(high voice):
Hello, have you seen
a big fluffy kitty
running around here?
What's your kitten's name?
We call her Whiskers,
but she’ll answer
to Kee-Kee.
Here, Kee-Kee-Kee-Kee-Kee.
(sighs)
Uh, come on, Kee-Kee.
Where are you?
(doorbell rings)
I'll get it.
You two just keep on
looking for that cat.
Maybe your cat
is under the table.
Here, Kee-Kee.
Lady Bird, no! Wait!
Lady Bird, drop it!
Dear Lord, we have formed
a prayer circle
to pray
for Hank Hill's racist heart.
(barking)
(all gasp)
BILL:
♪ Come on, people now,
smile on your brother♪
♪ Everybody get together♪
♪ Got to love one another
right now. ♪
PEGGY:
Just down the hallway
on your right.
(grunts)
So, you got yourself
a leak, do you?
Well, don’t you worry.
I'll fix her good as new.
Uh, you might want to...
I got a magnetic screwdriver
you can use.
You're dropping the screws
on the floor.
You're going
to lose them.
Look, you called me
because you needed my help,
so if you'll just let me
do the job.
(growling)
What's wrong,
Lady Bird?
(yelling)
Get your dog off of me!
Lady Bird, stop!
What in the world?
I don't know what got into her.
She just started biting
this... white guy.
This dog is crazy!
Getaway! Ow! Ow!
Lady Bird's biting
a white guy.
A white guy, Peggy.
That dog trainer was right.
Lady Bird did pick up
on my subconscious cues.
But I don't hate
black people.
I hate repairmen.
Hey, hey!
You were upset
that you couldn't
fix the heater
and so that's
why Lady Bird
attacked Mack.
Is Reverend Stroup
still here?
She's got to see this.
Let's go get her
before they start
another song.
Wait! Don't leave me! Help!
Coming.
Hello?
Good Lord!
Mr. Walker,
please open the door.
The Klan meeting's
been moved
to The Pancake House.
Please, I can explain
everything.
I assure you
Lady Bird will not bite you.
Yeah, I've heard
that one before.
You don't understand.
Lady Bird didn't bite you
'cause you're black.
She sensed that it
really bothered me
having someone work
on my water heater.
Really?
Yeah. She just bit
another repairman.
A white guy. I checked.
And he's Scotch-Irish
all the way back.
(sighs)
I swear to you on my 20 years
of selling propane
and propane accessories
that my dog and I
are not racist.
(gasps)
See there?
She does like you.
Aw, you're a good doggy,
aren't you?
Yes, you are.
Yes, she is.
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BOBBY:
Here, Kee-Kee-Kee-Kee.
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and 20th CENTURY FOX
TELEVISION
(screams)
Oh... oh, my God!
Bill!
Ew! Where you eating nachos?
(Lady Bird groaning)
Mom, why is Mr. Dauterive
kissing Dad?
Oh, Bobby, don’t watch.
We called 9-1-1, shug.
Wow, I can't believe
how fast they've responded
considering I didn't give them
my real address.
(coughing)
What in the hell
is going on?
I smelled something
coming from your house.
Not the usual smell of cooking
and pine cleaner, happiness.
It was gas.
Gas?
Oh, my God, the water heater.
Lady Bird, for the life of me
I don't know what I did wrong
when I installed this unit
yesterday.
(sighs, grumbling)
Hank, the repairman
from the church circular
will be here any minute.
Now, honey, I know that this
is hard for you,
but after last night,
we need a second opinion.
Peggy, I know I can fix it.
Let me give it another shot.
We can't risk it.
I cannot bear the thought
of going to sleep tonight
and waking up with Bill
slobbering on me again.
(gags)
You must be Mr. Walker.
No, Mr. Walker
is what they call my father.
Please call me Mack.
Well, Mack, Reverend Stroup
sure did give you
a shining letter
of recommendation.
She said you were the answer
to the church's sewer problems.
(chuckling)
That's nice to hear.
But I'm not only a plumber,
I'm also a deacon
at the church.
I like to think of myself
as a handyman for God.
Hello.
You must be the repairman
that Peggy called
behind my back.
Mack, this is my husband, Hank.
He's the one
who almost killed us.
(groans)
Uh-huh.
I said the same thing.
(metal clanking)
Mmm. Interesting.
I find it interesting
that you tapped the pipe
with a three-quarter wrench
instead of a five-eighth,
but to each his own.
(sotto voce):
I guess.
Mr. Hill, did you know that I've
been repairing water heaters
and water heater accessories
for over 20 years?
What a coincidence.
I've been selling propane
and propane accessories
for over 20 years.
I bet we both seen a lot
of crazy things in our day, huh?
Boy, I know what you mean.
I had this fella one time...
nice fella, a chiropractor...
(chuckling):
He tried to use
first-stage plastic tubing
for a second-stage regulator.
(both laughing)
I bet I can top that!
I know a guy, installed
a brand-new water heater
without checking
the old Gumson seals.
Next thing he knew,
he woke up on his own front lawn
after his neighbor dragged him
to safety.
Nice fella, propane salesman.
What?
Are you referring to me?
Was that a shot?
That was a shot,
wasn't it?
Look, I need to remove
a section of the drywall
to get to the pipes
for further inspection.
I got to get my Dry Vac
before that dust gets
into the vents.
(growling)
Hey, girl.
(snarling)
Hello. I'm Bobby.
Are you here to fix
the gas leak?
Hey, Bobby, I think
your dog hates me.
(snarling)
I don't know why
you'd think that.
I've never seen her smile
at anyone before.
I got a dog
at home
and I know when a dog
has ill intent
in his heart
and that dog's
looking at me
like I'm a pair of
meat-bone slippers.
(laughing):
"Meat-bone slippers."
I'm going to get a pen
to write that down.
Don't say anything
while I'm gone.
(growling)
(laughing)
Man, Mr. Walker is so funny.
He's got this great routine
about how Lady Bird wants to
(deep voice):
"Rip out my throat."
(laughing)
He asked me to hit her
in the head with a brick.
What in the hell is funny
about that?
Maybe Bobby didn't
tell it right.
(growling)
What's up, girl?
Huh, that's strange.
Mr. Walker, you in there?
WALKER:
Yes, I'm in here.
The door seems to be locked,
but there’s not lock
on this door.
I tied it off
with a cord.
Look, I... I still have
the right to observe your work.
I just want to
finish up the job
without getting
bit by your dog.
My dog would never bite you.
Well, she hasn't
stopped growling at me
since I got here.
(growling)
(gasps):
Right there!
See! She's giving me
the evil eye.
She's a hell hound.
That's not true.
(growling)
You know what she loves?
She loves to have her belly
rubbed.
And I love the use
of all of my fingers.
Come on, give her a rub.
She's sweet.
Okay.
Hold her tight.
I got her.
(whimpering)
See there,
she likes you.
(snarling)
Tell her she's
a good doggie.
Good... doggie.
(baby voice):
Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
(barks)
Lady Bird,
what's wrong with you?!
(barking)
I'll tell you
what's wrong with her.
She's full of hate.
Black hate!
That is preposterous.
(barking)
What is with all the barking?
Mr. Walker
is upsetting Lady Bird.
I'm upsetting her
because I'm a black man.
(barking)
That is a lie!
You’re just nervous,
which is making her nervous.
Hank, get that dog out of here!
But, Peggy, he...
Now, Hank!
(growling)
Mack, I apologize
for my husband.
He's always had
an unhealthy relationship
with that dog.
Listen, we're making hamburgers
on the grill
and I insist that you join us
for lunch.
I hope you like ketchup.
(sighs):
Can you believe that guy?
First he kicks me off
my own water heater
then he has the nerve
to call Lady Bird prejudiced.
Yeah, man, talking
about ol' Lady Bird, man.
Like dang ol' disposition
of dove, man.
Coo, ooh, ooh, ooh.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, Lady Bird's so nice
she'd let someone eat out
of her own bowl.
No matter how drunk they were.
Of course, I'm white.
Thank you for
having me for lunch.
Everything
looks delicious.
Well, thank you,
Mack.
It is.
You know, Mr. Walker,
Lady Bird never acts the way
she did this morning.
I honestly don't know
what got into her.
I guess she was still feeling
the effects
of nearly being gassed
to death last night.
Pickle?
Mr. Hill, I admit,
maybe I threw the race card
at your dog a little too fast.
But I swear I thought
she was going to throw
a few teeth my way.
BOBBY:
"Teeth my way."
(laughing):
Brilliant.
Well, I don't know much
about these kind of things,
Mr. Walker.
But I do know that a man
should not be judged
by the color of his skin
but by the actions of his heart,
I tell you what.
Amen!
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
This is flavorful.
I wish my wife knew her way
around a burger.
Well, let me get
you another one.
All right, but
if my wife calls,
tell her
I just had one.
(chuckling)
(laughing):
Did you hear that?
He's henpecked.
You can't turn this guy off.
(growls)
Call her off!
Good doggie!
Good doggie!
(snarling)
(snarling)
Ow!
Bad doggie!
Lady Bird, no!
(barking)
(snarling)
(barking)
(growls)
Well, I-I don’t think
she broke the skin,
but better safe
than sorry.
Mr. Walker, I accept
full responsibility
for Lady Bird's actions,
but you've got to believe me,
she is not prejudiced.
I know she's not prejudiced.
She's racist.
No, she's not.
She's just getting old
and she must have developed
an acute fear of strangers.
BOBBY:
Hey, Dad,
the mailman is here.
Hello, you must be Mr. Hill.
I'm your new mailman.
Mr. Peters retired yesterday
after 25 years.
Boy, that was some party.
(panting)
Get your dog a chew toy.
I quit!
See you in church!
(sighs)
Yep.
Yep.
Mmm... yep.
My dog is a racist.
She bit that repairman
who happens to be black.
Haven't black people
been through enough?
Yeah, man, talkin' about
all man created equal, man.
Just like dang ol' pursuit
of happiness, too, man.
There's only two ways
to handle it, Hank.
You either shoot her between
the eyes Old Yeller style,
or you sneak up
from behind
and get her in the
back of the head.
Either way, it'll
cost you ten bucks.
I'll choke her for five
and you can keep the head!
PEGGY:
Well, I'll tell you right now
we cannot have that
dog running a muck,
biting every black
person she sees.
It makes us look like
ignorant rednecks.
Oh, and it's bad for
black people, too.
(sighs)
Where did we go wrong, Peggy?
Bobby, I know you're,
uh, knowledgeable
of the black videos
and whatnot.
And right now I need you
to use your love of, uh,
Puffy and Diddy and Snoopy
to help me.
Is it about Lady Bird?
Yes. Yes, it is.
(rapping):
♪ Drivin' down the street
in my Escalade ♪
♪ Drinkin' Cris like Swiss Miss
in a chick parade. ♪
Now, Dad,
you keep petting her
and feeding her treats
while Lady Bird
just takes it all in.
Check out his bling-bling.
♪ ♪
There, there, girl.
Just flow with the nice music
and bling-bling.
Lady Bird, no!
Give them a chance.
Hurry, they're about to have
the pool party!
HANK (sighing):
Lady Bird, don't you get it?
A man should not be judged
by the color of his skin,
but by...
but by the actions of his heart!
Mmm. Mm-hmm.
Well, hello, Mrs. Stogner.
How is LuLu doing with
the pillow chewing?
That bitter apple spray
you suggested worked wonders.
Excellent.
Let me guess what this
little lady's problem is?
She looks like a barker to me,
huh?
Bet she keeps the neighbors up
all night. Am I right?
No.
She doesn't bark; she bites.
This sweet dog bites people?
I don't believe it.
Uh, actually,
she only bites, uh...
(whispering):
Black people.
I didn't know she was
a prejudiced pup
when I picked her
from the litter.
She just looked
so darn cute.
Well, that is ridiculous.
I can assure you
that your dog is not racist.
Oh, thank God.
You see,
dogs only follow
subconscious cues
from their owners.
Well,
what does that mean?
That means that you are the one
who is racist, Mr. Hill.
(gasps)
Oh, and by the way,
my girlfriend
is African American.
You sicken me.
(groans)
What's up, Hank?
Not much.
Hey, Roger,
I didn't realize
that was you.
(chuckles nervously)
How are you doing?
Could I get you
a cup of coffee?
I just poured one.
Have you seen the cream?
There you go, Roger.
Some cream
for your coffee.
Whoa! That's enough, Hank.
Is something bothering you?
(sighs)
Well, to be
honest, Roger,
I was accused
of being a racist.
Hank Hill a racist?
But you got me my job here.
Wait. The guy who called you
that, was he wearing a bow tie?
It's not a pretty thing
to be accused of
I tell you what.
You're really shook up
about this.
Look, I know
you're not like that.
But if it'll make you
feel better,
you should take
this Internet test
my brother-in-law
made us take
last Thanksgiving.
It's a good test.
Said I was "racially unbiased"
and I love gay people.
I didn't see that one coming,
but I'm happy.
Roger, show me this test.
Faster, Hank!
If you don't finish
within the time limit,
it voids the test!
But I don't remember
what keys to press.
Does the letter "E"
stand for white or black?
And what's "I"?
Is it good or bad?
I don't know.
Just push one!
You don't have time
to think about it.
That's how the
test works.
It's on a
subconscious level.
Go, go, go!
This thing is so...
Hey, guys.
What's going on?
Hank's taking
the racist test.
Oh, wow.
Is he a racist?
We don't know yet.
I'm trying to concentrate.
Yeah, what are you,
some kind of racist?
You're almost there, buddy.
Quiet.
This test has to be
some kind of a joke.
I mean how can it determine
if you're racist or not?
Almost done.
Just a couple more.
There, you're finished.
Now we just wait
while it tallies up your score.
Well, I don’t think
you can really go by something
like this.
I'm sure it's more of a game.
You know, for fun.
(chuckles)
"Your test results show
that you strongly prefer
the company of white people."
What?!
Wow, and the "strongly"
is flashing.
Ugh! Man!
This test is 100% incorrect.
I do not prefer
white people over...
others.
Roger, tell 'em.
I poured you cream!
Monday's the earliest
I could schedule a repairman
to fix the water heater.
But I boiled up some water
for a sponge bath
and had enough left over
for a cup of tea
a cup of soup
and a boiled egg.
Fine.
What's wrong?
You can have the egg.
I took this stupid
racial preference test
on the Internet today
in front of the whole office
and failed miserably.
The results claim
that I only like white people.
A test?
Come on, faster, Peggy.
You're nearly done.
Don't rush me!
I can't even remember
what keys to push here.
See? I told you
it was stupid.
There's no way this test
can determine anything.
I can't even believe
I'm taking it.
There. There,
you've finished.
Now it adds up
your crazy score.
You know, I don't even care
what it says
because this test
is absolutely Stu...
Oh, yeah!
Strongly prefer
the company of black people?
Well, you can’t argue
with results, Hank.
Quite honestly,
I think it's a pretty good test.
Honey, check to see
if there’s paper in the printer.
I want to make a copy.
CHOIR:
♪ Amen. ♪
Please be seated.
For today's sermon, I'd like all
the children of the flock
to gather up front.
You sicken me.
Can anyone tell me
what color this is?
ALL:
White.
How about this one?
ALL:
Black.
Very good.
Did you know that God created
all the colors
and loves them all equally?
That's why he puts them
in the same box.
Unfortunately, there are some
people in the world
who would prefer to keep white
crayons in their own box
separate from the other crayons.
(sighs)
Hank, Reverend Stroup
loaned us a tool
to help with our burden.
And by virtue of my desire
to be around black people,
I will help guide you
on the road to recovery.
What am I supposed
to do with these?
They're racial tolerance dolls.
You practice interacting
with them.
I will not play
with dolls.
Do you want me to tell
Reverend Stroup
you wouldn't even try?
(sighs)
What do I have to do?
The first step
to recovery is to admit
that you have a problem
with black people.
But I don't.
A man should not be judged
by the color of his skin,
but by the actions...
Admit it!
Sorry, Hank,
but it's part of the treatment.
Now admit it!
If you found those dolls
in my room,
I swear I've never seen them
before.
Relax, Bobby.
They belong
to your father.
Dad plays with dolls?
Mm-hmm.
No, I'm not playing
with dolls.
I'm, uh,
interacting with them.
Oh. Can I interact
with the dolls, too?
(sighs)
Sure, son, let's
interact together.
(high voice):
Hello, have you seen
a big fluffy kitty
running around here?
What's your kitten's name?
We call her Whiskers,
but she’ll answer
to Kee-Kee.
Here, Kee-Kee-Kee-Kee-Kee.
(sighs)
Uh, come on, Kee-Kee.
Where are you?
(doorbell rings)
I'll get it.
You two just keep on
looking for that cat.
Maybe your cat
is under the table.
Here, Kee-Kee.
Lady Bird, no! Wait!
Lady Bird, drop it!
Dear Lord, we have formed
a prayer circle
to pray
for Hank Hill's racist heart.
(barking)
(all gasp)
BILL:
♪ Come on, people now,
smile on your brother♪
♪ Everybody get together♪
♪ Got to love one another
right now. ♪
PEGGY:
Just down the hallway
on your right.
(grunts)
So, you got yourself
a leak, do you?
Well, don’t you worry.
I'll fix her good as new.
Uh, you might want to...
I got a magnetic screwdriver
you can use.
You're dropping the screws
on the floor.
You're going
to lose them.
Look, you called me
because you needed my help,
so if you'll just let me
do the job.
(growling)
What's wrong,
Lady Bird?
(yelling)
Get your dog off of me!
Lady Bird, stop!
What in the world?
I don't know what got into her.
She just started biting
this... white guy.
This dog is crazy!
Getaway! Ow! Ow!
Lady Bird's biting
a white guy.
A white guy, Peggy.
That dog trainer was right.
Lady Bird did pick up
on my subconscious cues.
But I don't hate
black people.
I hate repairmen.
Hey, hey!
You were upset
that you couldn't
fix the heater
and so that's
why Lady Bird
attacked Mack.
Is Reverend Stroup
still here?
She's got to see this.
Let's go get her
before they start
another song.
Wait! Don't leave me! Help!
Coming.
Hello?
Good Lord!
Mr. Walker,
please open the door.
The Klan meeting's
been moved
to The Pancake House.
Please, I can explain
everything.
I assure you
Lady Bird will not bite you.
Yeah, I've heard
that one before.
You don't understand.
Lady Bird didn't bite you
'cause you're black.
She sensed that it
really bothered me
having someone work
on my water heater.
Really?
Yeah. She just bit
another repairman.
A white guy. I checked.
And he's Scotch-Irish
all the way back.
(sighs)
I swear to you on my 20 years
of selling propane
and propane accessories
that my dog and I
are not racist.
(gasps)
See there?
She does like you.
Aw, you're a good doggy,
aren't you?
Yes, you are.
Yes, she is.
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access. Wgbh. Org
BOBBY:
Here, Kee-Kee-Kee-Kee.