King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 7, Episode 19 - Be True to Your Fool - full transcript

TV ANNOUNCER (quietly):
He approaches the green.

He thinks better
of it

and backs away
two steps.

Three steps.

Wake up, girl.

You don’t want to miss
all the excitement.

(quietly):
Wesley Tung
is now three inches

from the putting
surface.

Electrifying.

Heart-pounding. That grass
was topped a few days ago,

but it's still a bit thick.



A terrible challenge.

BILL (faintly):
Hank, help me.

Help, Hank.

I’m just hearing things.
Right, girl?

ANNOUNCER(quietly):
This is an absolutely
crucial chip.

BILL:
Please, Hank,
help Bill.

Help!

(exasperated sigh)

Help!

(sighing):
Not again.

Help me, Hank!

I'm trapped!

(wheezing)

Thanks, buddy!



I was looking
for change under there,

and I got stuck.

I'm ordering a pizza. Hungry?

No, and don't bring
it to my house.

A gushing geyser
of golf greatness.

Wouldn't you
agree, Hank?

I forgot,
you missed it.

All told, a treasury
of golden golf memories,

but only for those
who actually saw
this storied golf.

You officially owe me
one memorable sports moment.

Dang it. Lately my scalp's
been itching like crazy.

You, too? I thought my
Spider-sense was tingling

to warn me of danger.

Unless we both have
Spider-sense.

Finally!

We can talk about
something besides

who ruined whose
golf-watching day.

(chuckling):
My scalp is itchy, too!

It's lice,
you know.

What?!
No, man!

There's a lady
in town

who does lice treatment
for school kids.

She's so pretty.

So, I stuck my arms
into a big pile of hair

we cut off some new recruits,
and those little critters,

they just hopped
right aboard me.

If any of you guys know a better
way to meet the lice lady,

I'd like to hear it.

You gave us all Ice,

you disgusting he-freak!

Uh, hi, Hank?

(screaming)

DALE:
Boomhauer, your bathroom
Is gorgeous.

Can I bring Nancy
by tonight

after dinner?

Okay, everybody.
Heads in the tub.

Now, according
to the label,

all the lice should be dead,

and our hair should be bouncy
and manageable.

So, how's
everybody feel?

Man, dang ol' bunkered in, man.

Talkin' bout clean out now, man.

I got no dang end
to this stuff, man.

(screaming)

Die! Die! Die!

(sighs)

Yup. Mm-hmm.

Gih... gih... gih!

(screaming)

(sobbing)

Pull it together,
Dale.

I don’t want to have
to put the plastic cone

around your neck.

(sobbing)

PEGGY:
Hank, Ice are nothing

to be ashamed of.

If it's nothing,

why are you still wearing
your shower cap?

Am I? No...
Why, so I am.

(nervous laugh):
That is so funny.

I... well, I'll just take
it off when I go outside,

where it'll be easier
to... take off.

That got-dang Bill.

Ever since Lenore left him,

I've done nothing
but cut him slack.

He sleeps on my car,

he's always stealing
Ladybird's squeaky toys...

Remember when he kept
a chamber pot by his bed?

(sighs)

He keeps burying his porno
in our backyard, and he...

Well, I can't put up
with it forever.

It ends today.

Yup.

Yup.

Yu-up!

(sighs)

Well, the lice lady's booked up
for weeks...

big epidemic
at the Cub Scout jamboree.

She says the only thing
we can do is shave our heads.

Ding! Better idea.
As an exterminator,
I will take steps

to spare us the shame
of hairlessness.

(grunting)

A mixture of malathion
and lindane.

Fairly harmless,
according to the government,

which has been squirting it
at you for most of your life.

Dang it, Dale,
I don't like

the whole head-shaving
thing either, but...

BILL:
Yup!
Get lost, Bill!

Observe.

(humming)

Simple enough. Huh!

And... tingling.

And... burning.

Itching, itching... burning.

And... blindness.

Intense burning.

Hank, get your hose.

Now! Hank!

I want to play
lawn games, too.

But nobody wants Blll's
head on their lawn, oh, no.

"Bill has lice,
he's no good."

"Blibbity, blibbity bloo."

I suck.

Huh... you usually
get a case.

That's back when I had
friends to share beer with.

Can I drink here?

Nope.

(slurring):
Just you and me, mailbox.

There you go, buddy.

Uh, sir,
you can't do that.

(chuckling):
Oops. I'm sorry, Fuzz... Fuzzy.

All right sir,
time to come downtown.

I've got a 1-4-9
on a 3-4-4.

(garbled radio transmission)

Did you catch
the North-side burglar?

No, he's a drunk.

(exasperated):
Is a 1-4-9 a burglary, Doug?

You said 1-4-9?

I thought you said
"I got the burglar."

No, he said 1-4-9.

Sorry. I'm a little drunk.

I have always wanted
to use one of these.

Bobby, don’t you
have something
better to do

than watch this?

Oh, right... like I'm supposed
to go do my homework

when my dad is getting
his head shaved!

Let's get this done with.

It'll be one less thing
to remind me of Bill.

(phone rings)

Hank? Thank God you're home.

Well, where the hell else
would I be?

I'm sitting here getting
my head shaved, thanks to you.

I'm in jail.
I fed a mailbox.

I only get one phone call
and I called you...

my bestest, oldest
friend in the world.

You have to come
down here.

(groans)

No.

You're my... Hank!

(sobbing)

(whimpers):
Oh...

Nancy shaved me.
She did my armpits, too.

I feel so clean.

Hank! Boomhauer
and me are shaved.

Are you shaved yet,
Hank?

Ooh, Hank, you are going to look

awfully studly
when I'm through.

(sighs)

Hmm?

What is...!

Hank! Why have you never
told me you have a tattoo?

What? That's impossible.
I don't have a...

I am looking right
at it!

Who is she, huh?
Your first love?

Some roadhouse tramp?!

"Bill"?

Bwaaagh!

Got-dang it!

How could this be here?

Get off me!

PEGGY:
Hank, it's a tattoo.

You cannot rub it off
with a washcloth!

Got-dang it!

How does a man
lose track

of the back
of his own head?

Ugh, a tattoo?

I've been lying every time
I donated blood.

(muttering gibberish)

(sighs)

'Watsa matter, buddy?

I'm the matter.

I screw everything up.

All my friends
are mad at me

because I gave
them lice.

You got lice?

I also spit when I talk.

And I fart when I spit.

That's what makes
the world interesting.

Hank? So, you're
the North-side burglar.

Wait here a minute.

Nancy! Will you bring
me a gun, please?

Knock it off, Dale.

I need to ask you
something serious.

Now, can you
remember any reason

why any of us might have
ever gotten a tattoo?

What kind of tattoo?
Like a bar code?

Because that would point
to the Rand Corporation.

(groans)

Good night, Dale.

Mr. Hill, I have to tell you,
tattoo removal is very painful

and time consuming.

Are you sure you can't work
things outwith this "Bill"?

I'm sure.

Oh, come on, what'd he do...
forget your anniversary?

Look at another guy
with a little more hair?

Bill is not my...
anything.

I don't even know
how it got there.

I just want it off
my head now.

BILL:
Sure, your fingers turn blue
from the barbicide,

but that’s just part of the job.

You have a job?
Sure.

Gotta pay the
mortgage somehow.

You got a house?

Well, yeah. I got it
in the divorce.

You were married?

(gasping enviously)

Guess we got
a nickname for you...

(slurring):
"Hollywood."

Well, if anyone can
explain your tattoo,

it'll be Boomhauer.

He figured out it was Dale

who was stealing
your paper, remember?

Hey, man. Little
ol' Hank. Peggy.

(laughs):
Oh, man, you didn't.

Find a little ol' skin
art, did ya, man?

(laughing)
Dang ol' Hank.

A dang ol' wild man.

All right, Boomhauer.
Spill it.

Tell you what, why don't
you go ahead and relax?

Sit down a speck, I'm gonna
tell you a little story, man,

'bout a long time ago,
in a dang ol' Arlen,
far, far, away.

You know, talkin'
'bout a simpler time.

You know, man,
bunch of crazy kids.

No bell bottoms, dang ol"...
none of that "Disco sucks"...

Talkln' bout back
In the day, man...

I can't believe
Bill joined up.

Every time I exercise
my freedoms,

I'll think of him
protecting them.

(crying):
I'll wait for you.

Boy, that's
the third one today.

And none of them is going
to miss him more than me.

Or me.
Or, dang ol'...
dang.

Look at us, all mopey.

This isn't any kind of send-off

for a soon-to-be
war hero.

Road trip! Whoo-hoo!

Big ol' D, man!
Here comes.

Party!

Dallas! Can we see

where Lee Harvey Oswald
was framed?

Well, I just hope
you fellas don't go

and have too much fun
while I'm gone.

We won't. This is
the last night of fun

we'll have till
you get back.

Now I want to be
the first one

to buy the Army man
a drink.

The "Chainsaw." Huh.

Probably a hangout
for the lumber industry.

(playing punk rock)

HANK (slurring):
Look out, enemies
of America!

Here comes our friend,

Private First Class,
Bill Dauterive!

The man! Yay!
To Bill!

Dang 'ol, man.

Play "The Gambler!"

Come on, play "The Gambler!"

♪ You got to know
when to hold 'em ♪

♪ Know when to fold 'em ♪

(slurring):
Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill.

Every time I go
to the hardware store

and the guy says,
"Okay, here's your bill,"

I'm going to say
"No, it's not."

"This is my Bill."

Hey, jackass.

How'd you like to
lose that finger?

Whoa, whoa, there!

You watch your
language around GI Bill!

Take it easy, friend.

Aren't we all just here to rock?

(blowing raspberry)

(punk rock music plays)

Boomhauer!

Get Hank out of here!

So Bill saved my butt
and I never even thanked him.

(laughs):
Oh, yes,
you did, man.

♪ Bill knows when to fold 'em ♪

♪ He knows when to hold 'em. ♪

(Dale retching)

Boomhauer, stick with Hank.

It's going to be a while
with Dale.

(weakly):
I had a big dinner.

I tried to join up, too,
but they didn't take me...

(slurring):
Narrow urethra.

Bill!

Hey, man,
d-dang... no, man.

HANK:
Big, big letters, here to here

B-l-L-L. Bill!

Okay.

(sighs)

(moaning)

(snoring)

Hey, man, dang...
dang ol' passed out cold, man.

L-let's d... let it go, man.

I accepted his money;
he's getting his ink.

(groans):
Dang it.

Oh, okay, man.

But let's not-not... across
the dang ol' chest, man.

F-Find a d... someplace

where the dang ol' sun
don’t shine, man.

You know, I've been talking
about it

like I thought you'd never know,
man.

A dang ol' lice... threw in
that dang ol' curve-ball, man.

Just like a got-dang ol'
Sandy Koufax, man.

(sighs heavily)

Yeah, I guess I forgot

all about the Bill
that Bill used to be.

I ought to kick
my own ass.

You know,
the real surprise here

is that those poor lice

could ever have survived
off your cold, cold blood.

BILL:
Mmm, Dr. Milford,
be straight with me...

what have I got?

(deep voice):
It's a heart murmur.

Tune in tomorrow.

Oh, no!

Aah, what happens?!

A heart murmur?!

Hey, come on, fellas,
you got to be patient, now.

Man, jail was a lot less
fun before you got here.

William Dauterive?

Time for your court appearance.

William Dauterive,
$50 fine.

Don't do it again.

You're free to go.

Pay on your way out.

Excuse me, Your Honor.

What if I don't pay the fine?

If you can't pay,

you spend two days
in jail.

I'm not paying!

What?

Whatever.

Two days in jail.

Thank you.

Bill, what the heck
are you doing?

What do you want?

Did you come to mock me?

No, Bill, I came to help.

Well, you're a little late.

I'm hanging up on you,
like you did to me.

And I might stay here longer
than two days.

I'll commit another crime.

Hell, I'll tell them
I'm the North-side burglar.

They'll lock me up

and throw away the key.

That'll show you.

Come on, Bill,
you're being crazy.

Bailiff, escort me
home, please.

Hey, I got an idea.

You tell the guys
back in the cell

I got electrocuted,

then I'll jump out
and surprise them.

Bill! Bill!
No, wait! Bill!

(siren walling)

Officer, I demand to see
Bill Dauterive immediately.

If necessary, I'll be happy to
fill out the proper paperwork.

Mr. Dauterive
is refusing to see visitors.

He was quite specific.

I am not leaving this station
until I get to see my friend.

Uh, sir, we really don't
do threats around here.

Bill! Bill!

I need to talk to you!

BILL:
Go away!

TIM:
Yeah, go away!

Who are you?

TIM:
Who are you?!

Now, get lost!

We're busy!

(men singling):
♪ There's a hole,
there's a hole ♪

♪ There's a hole
in the bottom of the sea ♪

♪ There's a leg on the frog
on the bump on the log ♪

♪ In the hole
in the bottom of the sea ♪

♪ There's a leg on the frog
on the bump on the log ♪

♪ In the hole
in the bottom of the sea ♪

♪ There's a hole,
there's a hole ♪

♪ There's a hole
in the bottom of the sea. ♪

(singling continues)

Yeah, the fat one keeps saying

he might be ready to cop
to those B & Es.

Hey, you want your pizza?

Work on him
until you get a confession.

(sighs)

MAN:
You know, the fat
bald guy in the T-shirt

wants to confess

to all those burglaries
on the North-side.

Really?

So, Hollywood
Dauterive

wants to start doing
some hard time.

(chuckling)

Peggy, don't save dinner
for me tonight.

I'll explain everything later.

But right now,
I'm afraid I have to...

break the law.

(sighing)

I believe I'm in violation
of the law.

Go ahead

and arrest me.

Uh, sir, that's not
officially a law.

Eh, it’s just store policy,
but I don't enforce it.

I'm not even wearing shoes
back here.

You scratched
the bumper sticker

from my daughter's school,
jackass.

Hey, brother.

MAN:
Yeah, the guards
let me have

a tape recorder
in here.

You want to hear

what your confession
would sound like,
just for fun?

BILL:
Eh, I appreciate that.

I just don’t want it
to sound too rehearsed.

HANK:
Bill! Bill!

Hey, Bill.

Hank?

What are you doing here?

I came to help you.

Don’t confess.

Well, why should some criminal
get to go to jail

and make me go back

to my lousy life
without any friends?

I'm your friend, Bill.

Prove it.

Prove it?

I've been your friend
for 25 years.

Who talked you out of buying
the houseboat?

Who kept you from killing
yourself after Lenore left you?

Who listens to you for hours
after you've had a nightmare?

And I'm happy to do it
because we're friends.

Heck, I even got myself arrested
just so I could talk to you.

Huh.

Yeah, and it turns out

I also had your
name tattooed

on the back of my head.

Really?
Let me see it.

Uh, actually,

I just, kind of had it removed.

Very painful process.

Not because it wasn’t
a great tattoo. But...

Guard, I want to confess!

Ow, dang.

Uh, sir,
do you think I could have

a moment of your time?

(groaning):
Gosh, that smarts.

If you want, I can
frame it in barbed wire.

Or snakes.

(Bill humming)

HANK:
Bill. Hey, Bill.

Now what?

You, uh...
you still got that mirror?

Will you look at that?

I especially like
the smiley face

over the "I."

Wow. That must've been
incredibly painful.

Yep.

Yep.

Looks like you're out early
on good behavior.

If good behavior
is a factor here,

I cleaned the toilets
and made the beds.

Sit down, baldy.

Your court date's not
till noon.

Well, fellas,
looks like this is it.

(men groaning)

I promised myself
I wasn't going to cry.
Gee, Bill.

But look at me now.
Later, Hollywood.

Hank, if you want,
I can get myself locked up again

to keep you company
till noon.

No, no. You've paid your
debt to society, Bill.

Now I'll pay mine.

Okay then.

Okay.

Uh...

Mr. Dauterive,
you're free to go.

Uh... that's okay.

I'm waiting for a friend.

(men singling):
♪ There's a hole,
there's a hole ♪

♪ There's a hole
in the bottom of the sea. ♪