King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 7, Episode 18 - I Never Promised You an Organic Garden - full transcript

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Looking sharp, Mom.

Hey, are you subbing today?

Bobby, you know I am.

You left me that message that
they want me to sub for Italian.

Uh, no...

I wanted an Italian sub
for lunch.

Well, I'm all dressed up.

I guess I could just shelve
books at the library

till they throw me out.



HANK:
Oh, dang it.

Says here because
of high produce prices

schools are yanking vegetables
from their menu.

Man, first they get rid of the
organic garden, and now this.

What is it with this school
and vegetables?

PEGGY:
Organic garden?

What organic garden?

The coaches try to keep it
under wraps.

You see, the kids who want
to get out of gym class

can work in the garden instead.

I just wish

I'd found out about it sooner.

Then I wouldn't have take
the Presidential Fitness Test.

You'd rather work
in an organic garden



than participate in
the Presidential Fitness Test?

Where's your patriotism, boy?

I hate doing the flexed-arm hang
in front of everyone.

They call me T-Rex because
my arms can't support my weight.

Bobby, the flexed-arm hang...

I know, I know...

Could mean the difference
between life and death.

Doesn't matter anyway.

Mr. Tomich is retiring
and the garden is closing.

End of story.

So, as you can see

and smell,

I am a very gifted gardener.

Sorry, Peggy, but we’re not
looking to replace Mr. Tomich.

See, nobody really needs
an organic garden.

The football team,
on the other hand,

could use more storage space
for their blocking sleds

and old, broken helmets.

Nice punt.

I tell you,
this team's got something.

Not like last year.

Runts almost got me fired.

What if the garden was working
for the football team?

Football? I'm listening.

My husband read in the paper
this morning

about the veggie shortage.

This team
needs their vitamins.

How do you expect them
to make it to State

without iceberg
on their hamburgers?

If you put me in charge

I will provide the team

with the freshest vegetables
in Heimlich County.

MOSS:
Tell you what, Peggy,

I'll give you a shot.

You do okay, we'll
talk permanent.

And make sure
you grow kale.

That new quarterback
we got loves kale.

Hey, Dad, want to see me?
No.

But you don't know what I...
No.

Say hello
to Tom Landry Middle School's

newest organic
gardening teacher.

You saved the garden?

Way to go, Mom!

Mm-hmm. And now it will be
supplying fresh vegetables

to the football team.

Organic garden?

That's what hippies eat.

When was the last time
you saw a hippie

that could take on
an offensive tackle?

Oh, who cares?

Hank, organic gardening
is terribly inefficient.

It's a full-time job.

It could be my full-time job.

Good morning, class.

I am your new gardening teacher,
Mrs. Hill.

So, this is all of you?

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Oh, this looks ripe.

Let's get to work.

BOBBY:
Work?

Mom, you're embarrassing me.

Mr. Tomich did
everything himself.

Sometimes we picked stuff.

Mostly we just sat around
and whatever.

Well, there will be
no "whatevering"

in Mrs. Hill's garden.

Mmm. So that's why
people eat fruit.

Mmm...

Boy, look at those
jumping jacks.

This is the year,
I tell you what.

Hey, Mom, why are we bringing
all of this up to the field?

So the cafeteria cooks
can’t steal our glory.

Coming through.

Make room for tomatoes so juicy

you'll want to eat them
with a lifeguard.

Organic goodness.

Straight from
Mother Nature's womb.

Uh, h-hey,
look over there.

Who's got a stopwatch?

Let's check out
the hang time
on that punter.

Hey, Hank, that's some
fine-looking produce

your boy's got there.

Yeah, maybe it'll
give them enough juice

to get off their
butts and hustle!

Huh, I guess this stuff
does look pretty good.

Looks a lot better
than that got-dang
special teams!

Can’t catch a punt
to save their lives!

Good work, kid.

You know, I got
to admit, Peggy,

this stuff looks so good

I might have to became
a vegetarian.

(chuckles)

Not really.

Look sharp, Bobby,
it's the coach.

That's a heck of a
good-looking berry.

Keep up the good work, son.

"Keep up
the good work, son."

Yep, that's what the coach said
to Bobby.

And then when Bobby set out
those organic onions

it was like he caught
a 32-yard pass.

DALE:
What exactly

are you trying to do, Hank?

Turn our school
into some sort of

bohemian Montessori
love-fest?

No, it's not like that.

It's not like the organic
gardening they did at Jonestown.

It's more like farming.

And you should have seen
the size of the crops.

I tell you,
fora bunch of gym-dodgers,

these kids
did a pretty decent job.

Well, I guess
I'm going to head on in

and watch some of
the Home and Garden network.

It's Compost Week.

Bobby and I are thinking of
making a batch for the team.

(sighs)

Dang it,
now I've got compost fever.

Me, too.

Maybe we could pitch in.

Great idea.

Now we need to find
some leftover food,

lawn clippings,
dead leaves and coffee grounds

that have been left to rot
fora long, long time.

Just for the record, there is a
garbage can in there somewhere.

You know what would make
this baby sing?

Bat guano. Nature's Miracle-Gro.

Where do you buy bat guano?
Sears?

Yes. But it lacks

the potency of straight-
out-of-the-bat feces.

Nope, we have to go
right to the source.

Mano-a-guano.

"Gold Barsummersquash."

Mmm.

Ah! Mom, come here!

Look at all these bugs.

Oh.

Mrs. Hill, Spencer
told me to tell you

there's some weird
fungus on the turnips

and I saw some snails
near the lettuce.

I already
stepped on one.

It was pretty cool.

Oh, God. We have to feed these
to the football team today.

Why did I promise them

a field of greens?

Die! Die! Die!

Hey, everybody,
the cavalry's here.

Bobby, show the coach

what kind of ammo

you've got for
our troops today.

Oh, you know,
just more of the same.

What the hell happened
to this carrot, son?

I wouldn't feed it
to sixth grade J.V.

Oh, this is terrible.

Got anything else
for the team to eat?

An old hubcap?

A wadded-up newspaper?

Peggy, I got to tell you,

my job would be a lot easier
if you weren't feeding worms

to the football team.

I got to call
this garden thing off.

No, you can't do that.

Oh, man.

I was practically
on the football team.

Now, hold on, Carl.

Can I remind you

of the time the school board
wanted to fire

a certain principal
for growing a ponytail?

Well, Hank,
that was a long time ago.

A lot of us said, "Yeah,
he looks like a jackass,

but he deserves
another chance,"

and that's all
we're asking for.

(sighs)

You got two weeks.

BOY:
Hey, Coach, I
don't feel so...

(vomits)

One week.

HANK:
Don't worry, Peggy,

we'll turn that garden around.

I have never seen a problem
teamwork couldn't fix.

"Aphids. Worms."

(disgusted sigh)

Why does every book about
organic gardens

have naked people in it?

Well, this one has
three chapters on Nixon

and nothing about bugs.

So when they say
"Mother Earth"

they mean dirt, right?

I'm not sure, but wait,
listen to this:

"Snails are attracted
to the smell of beer.

They will follow the scent,
fall into the beer and drown."

Just like Judy Garland.

HANK:
Okay, here we are.

What a... uh...

great-looking group of kids
this is.

This isn't all of them,
is it?

Uh, so how many of you have
ever tried out for a team?

And how many of you have ever
been picked for a team?

Uh... okay then.

Well, I'm forming a team.

The Garden Team.

And you're all
my first-round draft picks.

All right!
I'm playing for my dad.

With your permission,
I'd like to lead us in a cheer.

Give me a...

Permission denied.

Now, if we're going to be
a team,

we got to play together
and give it all we got.

So let's get in there and show
these bugs we mean business.

(all cheer)

Last call for beer,
you little garden munchers.

You don't have to go home,
but you cannot stay here.

Now, supposedly
these milk cartons

will help protect the base of
the plants from crawling bugs,

"which are all beautiful
in their own way."

Queen Amidala,

I will save you
from the Dark Side.

(sighs)

If there were more than
one garden team,

we'd be in last place.

BOBBY:
Quit screwing around, guys.

And forget about
Queen Amidala and
the Dark Side.

Who's saving these cucumbers
from aphids?

DALE:
Boy, it's true what they say
about the Denton Flea Market.

You really can get
anything there.

So how much guano
have you collected so far?

None. But I've been feeding it
bugs and prunes

and massaging its colon
for the past two days,

so the flood gates
are about to open.

Build an ark, boys.

We're going to need more bats.

Andrew,

how many times
do I have to tell you,

the weed puller
is for...

pulling weeds.

Oh, good job.

Dang it, Rain,
I don't think your
extract of hippie

is going to help
our garden.

Actually, these are ashes
from our wood stove at home.

They discourage slugs
and cutworms.

Rain, you have just
earned yourself

a high five.

Come on, don't
leave me hanging.

Hank, why isn't
this working?

Damn it, these bugs
are eating my career.

Peggy, I had my doubts about
this whole organic thing, too,

but if the old
gardening teacher

pulled it off,
then so can we.

Look at these kids.

They're actually
working as a team.

Slow down, Tommy.

Save some water

for the plants.

PEGGY:
Mr. Tomlch

I don't know how
you did it.

I tried every organic trick
in the book.

Soapy water, pepper spray,
tobacco, cotton balls,

pecan shells, ladybugs...

and I got jack.

How about Methyl isothiocyanate?

That wasn't in my organic
gardening book.

What is it?

Avery powerful pesticide.

Just be sure not to get
any on your hands.

But... but the
whole point

is to teach kids
about organic gardening.

That's why you don't
tell anybody.

Oh, my God,
you grew a garden of lies.

Yes, and tomatoes the size
of your cranium.

Look, if you want
to keep your garden
and your job,

you got to use pesticides.

What do you think is keeping
termites from eating this deck?

Love?

Dad, look at the size
of this one!

If Gallagher smashed it,

it would reach all the way
to the back of the room.

You see, Peggy, you didn't have
faith, but look at his place.

(sighs)

Is there anything
beer can't do?

Uh... uh-huh, you're right.

I know this stuff is
for the football team,

but it just looks so good,

I'm going to have
to try a sample.

Hank, no! No!

It... it's for
the football team.

And don’t touch
your eyes.

DALE:
According to the nice lady

at the Flying Mammal Society,

this bridge is home

to more than 30,000 bats.

Even if half of them
are constipated,

it's still a gold mine.

Oh, man, got dang ol'
P and ol' U, man.

Oh, God, it's awful.

(deep breaths)

(Bill screeching)

DALE:
The floor is slippery.

That's a good sign.

Boomhauer, get ready.

I think I hear something.

(plop)

Yes!

(plopping)

Picking up...

(rapid plopping)

Uh-oh.

(squeaking)

Oh, God, we've awakened
a sleeping, pooping giant!

(screaming)

I've got a bat
in my mouth!

(screaming)

HANK:
Listen up, team.

I just wanted to tell you all

how proud I am.

You've overcome the elements,
the bugs

and God knows,
your own limitations.

I got
heat stroke.

Look at this.

I thought it was a tumor,

but Mom said it was
a callus.

And since you guys
are working like a team,

I figured it's about time
you looked like one.

(all gasping)

Yep, team jerseys.

Bobby, you keep up
the good work

and I might have to sew
a "C" on the jersey

for Captain.

(yawns)

(coughing)

Oh...

All right, team.

Early bird
kills the worm.

Peggy?

What?! What?!

(all gasping)

Peggy, what are you doing?

Well, I...
I was just vacuuming?

That's a skull
and crossbones sticker.

It says, "Warning: Poison."

All right, I've been
spraying pesticides.

But, Peggy, this is
an organic garden.

Using chemicals is the only
thing you're not allowed to do.

Oh, come on, Hank.

How else do you think
it was able to grow so well?

You mean it wasn’t us?

The team?

And I already thanked God
fora bountiful harvest.

He must think I'm an idiot.

Well, I had no choice.

You can't get
anything good
without chemicals.

Chemicals are what keep
my hair so high and brown.

Hank? Hank!

Screw helping
the football team.

If they want guano,

they can crawl through hell
getting it like we did.

I had to burn my favorite Levis

and a hat that was perfectly
molded to my head.

Step right up, man.

Get a little ol' guano
just like them dang ol'
Egyptians, man.

Gonna change your life, man.

Jus-just guaranteed
to be fresh too, man.

You, sir,

why are you afraid
to take the guano challenge?

Are you afraid it might
rock your world?

Coward!

So Principal Moss pulled
the plug on the garden.

The football team is moving
their blocking sleds

over there next week.

Good. I'm on a god dang
mailing list

for an organic food store now.

To think I shopped
at a place called Passages.

I guess the garden team has
one more game left, huh, Dad.

Harvesting the last crop.

There never was any garden team.

This was just
your mother,

the cheater, spraying
her cheater juice

all over the place.

No, it wasn’t.

We worked hard
on that garden.

Who knows what we really did.

It's like we all got caught
using steroids.

The only honorable thing
left to do

is forfeit
and get off the field.

What are you
doing, Bobby?

The garden team's dead.

We should just set fire
to the whole thing

and watch it burn.

We planted this garden,

and we worked hard
to make it grow.

Now, there's one more
harvest left,

and the snails are going to have
to go through me to get it.

He's open.

He's open!

He... Goddangit!

Oh, look who it is...
Hippie Hill.

Hey, Granola, what's your boy
doing in the garden over there?

Dang it, Bobby.

All right, I'll go
make sure they're gone

before the football team

brings over
their blocking sleds.

Keep it up, team.

It's the fifth quarter

and time's
running out.

I know you're tired and sore,

but if we don't bring these
vegetables in, no one will.

So keep picking till
you can't pick anymore,

and then pick one more.

Try planting this.

It's raining pain.

Incoming.

They're coming.
They always come.

My glasses.

Move it!
Move it!

If there's something

in your way, run over it.

Get out of the way,
garden dorks.

Why, Dad? Why?

I don't think so.

These kids have worked hard,

and this is what's
going to happen.

They're going to harvest
their vegetables,

you guys are going
to eat 'em,

and then you're
going to say thank you.

Move 'em, Hank.

These cupcakes don't
belong on the football field.

You guys know I can
play running back,

but I can block, too.

As I recall, Rick, you were
a tennis player, right?

All right, come on,
let's get back to practice.

We have been working on
this garden for a week,

and I tried to resist, but...

Dad, give me
a wheelbarrow ride!

Okay, quick, get in.

PEGGY:
Can I help?

I've gone straight. I swear.

I'm done with chemicals.

I didn't even use
any shampoo

or soap or deodorant
this morning.

Smell me.

You can help step on beetles.

But I got to warn you,

the ones that
survive the poisons

are really tough.

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