King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 7, Episode 17 - The Good Buck - full transcript

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How's it going, Joe Jack?

I lost my bathroom
key again, honey.

( car horn playing
"Yellow Rose of Texas" )

Mr. Strickland?

Yeah. Hank, I just lost
a pile of money

and a pair of Eye-talian Loafers

to that sleaze bag
Lane Pratley.

Oh, and you can cancel

the morning run
to Strickland North.



I lost that, too.

I got to take my mind
off my boo-hoos.

Donna! Find me that website

where the elephant does his
business on the man's head.

Sir, I... I don't like
to ask personal questions,

but... are you okay?

My wife threw me out.

What?

Yeah.

I had Donna over at the house.

The old crow found us
in flagrante on the credenza.

It's all over.

She said she could handle
my drinking binges

and my gambling



and even turn a blind eye
to my extramarital escapades

but not when they happen
all at once

and on her birthday.

Ah! I don't know
what to do anymore, Hank.

( sobbing )

Uh...

There, there, sir.

( sobbing )

Today we start cross-country.

Every day
for the next two weeks,

you kids are going
to be running.

For those of you
a little overweight

or not athletic,
this will be difficult,

but so will life. Now go.

Uh, Coach.

If you don't mind,

I prefer to play
to my strengths.

Why don't I just hang back
and hold the clipboard?

Move it, Hill.

( groans )

( panting )

Hey, Maggie,
if we stay together,

neither one of us
will be last.

I Let you hide behind
me in dodgeball.

I'm through with you.

My running days are over.

I'm home.

Table for one near
the air conditioner.

Sorry, kid, this is high tea.

We require a jacket and tie

and long pants and no sneakers.

Doesn't passion
count for anything?

LUANNE:
My Bible study teacher
ls going on vacation

and he won't Let me
be the substitute teacher

while he's gone.

I think he's just jealous

of my close
relationship with Jesus.

Oh, Luanne, give
him more credit.

Maybe he genuinely thinks
you won't be good at it.

Nobody has any faith in me.

I'm telling Jesus
that you weren't any help.

You are not
going to believe

what's happened artwork.

Buck gambled away
Strickland North.

It's gone. Gone.

And you are surprised
by this behavior?

Hank, the man is
a lying, cheating,

drunken, gambling,

philandering adulterer.

I know he has his demons,

but he's also the guy
who took me under his wing

and brought me
into the world of propane

and propane accessories.

There's a money-back
guarantee on those.

It's not the store's
policy-- it’s just mine.

You do a damn fine job of
selling dungarees there,

uh... Hank,

but Let me tell you
what I'm selling.

Propane.

Huh.

Propane.

He was a window
into the exciting world

of clean-burning heat.

Yeah. You keep these
tanks shiny and clean

they reflect
more sunlight

and stay cooler.

That means less
gas escapes

through this
here valve, see?

( sighs )

I can't turn my back on him.

Without buck, I'd
be selling pants.

I'd never tell him this,

but... I think
of him as a... a mentor.

Really? I thought I
was your mentor.

I'm worried, fellows.

Buck's never
been this bad

and this time, I'm afraid

he's going to take
the business down with him.

You know what a
friend would do?

He'd get me to burn down

said other friend’s
failing business

for the insurance money.

Just say
the word

or don't.

I'll get the signal.

Just nod your head.

Or don't.

Shut up, Dale.

So, we're on.

( sighs )

Hmm.

Buck's back on the floor.

You got to buy
this grill.

I need the money.

There's a horse
that can make all this right.

You got cash?

Huh? Huh?

( vomiting )

Uh... sir, why don't
I take you home?

Good idea.

No, wait a second.

( vomiting )

( coughing )

Okay.

( sobbing )

I'm so got dang lonely.

Hey, you know,
before I drop you off,

there's someone I'd like
to introduce you to.

I think you two
might hit it off.

Can we go yet?

No, not until
you hear me out.

Sir, the flame in
you has grown dim,

but if you'll just
take your hands off the valve,

and Let Him in, the Lord
will fill you with His gas.

So I'll just

leave you two
by yourselves here.

You probably have a lot
of catching up to do.

PEGGY:
You cannot fix

Buck Strickland.

He is drowning in a sea
of his own addictions

and if there
is one thing

that I learned
at YWCA camp,

you cannot save
a drowning man.

( car horn playing
""Yellow Rose of Texas"" )

I used to like
that song.

Now it scares me.

Greetings,
fellow Christians.

Ah, there's the shepherd

that brought this lost
sheep back into the fold.

I did?

Huh. So it worked.

Bless you, Hank.

Well, in fairness,
I didn't really do anything.

I just alley-ooped you
to the Lord.

Well, you brought me to church

where I met an angel
who showed me the light.

This woman is
gonna keep me

on the straight
and narrow path

to the promised land.

Praise be!

Nothing but net, Lord.

I understand why God
loves Buck-- He has to--

but what kind of pathetic
doormat of a woman

would fall for him?

Come on, Peggy.

I bet she’s just
some nice old lady

who used to be
a nurse or something.

You know how those
churchy types are.

They like a fixer-upper.

Hey, Uncle Hank,
Aunt Peggy!

Look who I saved!

Hallelujah.

Good Lord.

What the hell is going on here?

A private Bible
study crass.

Praise the Lord!

Luanne,
Platter family conference

on the patio, ahora.

Is he hitting on you?

Is he coming on to you?

Has he put
his hands on you?

What has he done to you?

Nothing, Aunt Peggy.

I found him at the church
and he was so sad and lost.

I told him about the word of God

and he volunteered
me to be his private
Bible tutor.

Me! A Bible tutor.

Luanne,
you're on the naive side.

But even you cannot be
buying this horse manure.

Buck is my student.

I am his teacher.

And the Lord is our principal.

And until He rings the bell,
crass will not be dismissed.

Uh... are you trying
to date my niece, sir?

Now, OI' Top, I don't blame you
for thinking the worst of me,

but I'm a changed man.

LUANNE:
Now, if you'll
excuse us,

we have to get
back to crass.

You know, Luanne,
it's awful hot out here.

Maybe next week we could
study in the pool.

Bible crass in the pool?

Like a baptism.

( chuckles ):
Yeah, I'll bring my swimsuit.

Are these English cucumbers
in the cucumber sandwiches?

The regular ones
come back on me.

I don't know.

Well, would you find out
for me, please?

It's so nice to see
such a refined young man.

My grandson steals from me.

Would you care to join us?

That depends: would you care
to share your lemon curd?

Oh, hmm.

( chuckles )

Hank, you've been very unclear
on this whole thing.

Do you or do you not want me
to burn down your workplace?

Dang it, Dale,

I don’t want you going
anywhere near Strickland.

Things have been great
since Buck found religion.

Again, your words say 'no,''

but your body language says
'torch that sucker.''

Un-be-freakin-lievabIe.

Peggy, will you knock it off?

Why can’t you just accept
the man's been saved?

It doesn't
cost you anything.

They are in the pool, Hank.

Luanne is in her bikini.

Her hair is wet. Sopping wet.

Well, she's supposed to be
giving him a Bible lesson.

I'm going to make sure
it stays a Bible lesson.

So, that's why it's better

to be a little bird
sitting in heaven

than to be the biggest,
toughest grizzly bear in hell.

Do you know what I mean?

Yes?

Yay!

Fellowship hug!

Whoo!

Amen to that.

Dude, what are you
doing with her?

This is a Bible
study crass, Joseph.

Oh, yeah?

Um... I like the Bible.
A bunch.

Well, come on in.

I thought this was a
private Bible tutorial.

There's enough God
to go around.

Need another student?

Uncle Hank,
you’re joining the crass?

What are you doing here?

Bible-ing up, dude.

Joseph, go home.

Nuh-uh, hold on.

This is my
Bible study crass.

And all of God's creatures
are welcome.

Even Joseph.

Oh, Bobby, you are a delight.

Pearl, we should fix him up
with your niece.

How old is she?

37.

Okay, the thing
about camels

going through the
eye of a needle--

it's not good
for the camels,

so you can understand
why it's not good to be rich.

Totally.

I'm as good as broke.

I'm losing everything
in the divorce.

Hey, is this the Bible
study in the pool crass?

HANK:
Principal Moss?

BUCK:
Pratley!

Aw, rooster poop!

You got my flyer.

We sure did, Teach.

And that picture
does not do you justice.

Oh, dang,
I forgot my Bible.

I'll just kind of look off
yours here, Miss Luanne.

Okay, but next time,
you'd better remember.

Remember-iness
is next to holiness.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
hold on here.

We don’t want to distract
the teacher.

Principal Moss,
you can look on with me.

Okay, then.

Now, Luanne, weren't
you and Buck discussing

the importance
of the commandments

and why you shouldn’t
covet things and such?

Yeah, as a matter
of fact, Luanne...

Hey, can I get in on this?

Well, who the heck
are you?

Octavio, dude.

( yells )

We're trying to talk about
the Bible here!

Oh, sure, Ese.
I'm way into it.

Hey, look what
I got-- Jesus.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Hey, that's Rob Zombie.

Shut up, kid.

He got my Bible wet.

Okay, Joseph, Octavio,
no more fellowship hugs.

Not until you show me
you're here to learn the Bible,

not get it wet.

Pearl, I talked to my doctor
about you yesterday,

and he agrees with me--

you've got to cut down
on the salt.

He's coming in.

Just act natural
and pass me the scones.

I thought
I saw someone I know.

Mind if I take a look around?

Sorry, sir,
we have a dress code--

ties for men,
no tube tops for the ladies.

Ah... Uh-huh.

So, Paul was named Saul

until he saw Jesus
on the road to Damascus

and changed his ways.

That's right!
Fellowship hug!

Oh, boy.

So, when the Bible says

"He is without sin should
cast the first stone''

what it's saying is...

It's saying...
What it's saying is,

is we should look
at our own sins.

Try to be better people.

Yes. But if you...

Sure, but you can't be
a better person

just by acting
all righteous and stuff.

It says right here in
the Book of Acts that--

wait, uh, the red letters
are the Jesus words, right?

Uh, Luanne,
if Buck could just...

I've got a testimony!

Now you all may have read
the story of the prodigal son,

but fellow Christians,
I have lived it.

I have strayed far and long
from the path of the righteous.

I have sinned,
I have lied,

I have fornicated on
stolen antique furniture.

But I will
tell you this...

the good Lord sets
the most beautiful table

for the son who's eaten
from the most dumpsters.

Huh.

Wow.

You know, I have to admit,
Buck is a changed man.

Luanne must be one heck
of a Bible teacher.

Yep, I guess she really
got through to him.

And all that time
in the water's

been good for his phlebitis.

( doorbell rings )

Sorry to interrupt,

but I had something very
important to tell you two.

I'm an old-fashioned man,

and as Luanne's nearest
unincarcerated kin,

I wanted you to be
the first to know--

I'm going to ask
Luanne to marry me.

Wow, Buck and Luanne.

Wow.

Well... I guess
it was inevitable.

Women from broken homes

always look for
a father figure.

I guess technically, Buck is
more of a grandfather figure,

but I guess that might
even be healthier.

Well, there, I've made it
palatable for myself.

And Luanne's been a pretty good
influence on Buck.

Did you see him?

He was clean-cut, polite--

he wasn't even sweating vodka.

And when Buck's in good shape,
so is Strickland Propane.

Hank, do you realize
if they marry,

Buck will be our nephew.

Huh.

You know, Buck will
probably lose his house

in the divorce, and move in
with Luanne.

He and I could drive
to work together.

Luanne, you've changed
this ornery old jackass

into a noble pack mule.

But this mule
don’t want to walk

life's treacherous
mountain path alone.

Luanne Platter, will you
have me as your husband?

( gasps )
Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Of course not.

Jibbit?

Mr. Strickland,

that's so crazy.

You're very nice,

but you’re totally old.

I like young guys

who love Jesus,
but have fitness...

and hair.

No, no, you see...

I... I got...

( stammering )

She... spurned me!

I've been spurned!

She what?

( sobbing ):
She toyed with my affections.

She was only doing it
to get me to the Lord.

How sick is that?

Sir, wait.

Luanne, what happened?

Buck just wanted to marry me
and I said no.

( sighs )

Well, he looked
pretty upset.

And when Buck's upset,

he dives straight
into his addictions.

Oh, that's okay.

He's totally addicted
to Jesus now.

Earl Grey.

Come on, give me a tough one.

( gasps )

Bobby Hill.

You just ate your last...

...thingie.

Muffin?

Pastry?

What... whatever.

Move it!

Congratulations, Mr. FybeI.

I'll be out there tomorrow

to personally hook up
your new tanks.

( car horn playing
""Yellow Rose of Texas"" )

BUCK:
Yee-ha!

( drunkenly ):
Well, what are you
all looking at,

you heathens?

No, sir.

Not on the premises,

and certainty not during
business hours.

Fine, then.

Hank, let's you and me go bet
on the ponies.

I'll just get
some cash from
the safe.

Don't bother, sir.

I changed the combination.

But it's always been
my birthday.

Well, now it's my birthday.

You've been here 20 years.

I... I know your birthday.
I know it.

It's... Sept... Sepover...

Septober... 22, 29...

( sighs )

( snoring )

( sighs )

Hank, I'm sorry.

Yeah, I know.

Don't we have a boy
who comes and does this?

Yeah, but the better
these tanks are polished,

the more sunlight they reflect,
the cooler they stay

and the less propane escapes
through that valve.

That valve... yeah.

I taught you that.

You know, Buck, maybe Luanne
and her Bible crass in the pool

was His way of getting
your attention.

So you could see what's
really important.

Yeah, propane's been good to me.

Well, Lady Propane's
been good to all of us, sir.

( chuckles )

Lady Propane.

That's a perfect swirl, sir.

You know, maybe
I could get rid

of all my old
addictions

and get myself hooked
solely on propane.

And maybe just one other thing.

You know, keep things spicy.

Boy, these
5,000 gallon heifers

look pretty at
sunset, don't they?

They sure do, sir.

Oh, and those are
1,000 gallon tanks.

And it's sunrise.

Fellowship hug!

Oh boy!