King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 7, Episode 2 - The Fat and the Furious - full transcript
A cute groupie convinces Bill to enter a hot dog eating contest that pits him against a Laotian champion.
Captioning sponsored by
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
and TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX
TELEVISION
Hey, Peggy Hill.
Thanks for inviting us
to barbecue.
Not to be rude, but is
this name brand soda?
It taste kind of skunky.
Well, of course it's name brand.
It's MegaloMart Private Select.
(sotto voce):
Idiots.
Are the hot dogs ready?
I got a movie to catch
in 12 minutes.
You're leaving?
Aw, this is a couples' event.
And there's this movie
I'm dying to see.
This one's got a Culkin
and a Baldwin in it.
Well, the dogs will be done
in a few seconds.
Oop, they're plumping.
Hey, I was going
to sit there.
Sorry.
You said you were going
to sit there.
Eventually.
(sighs)
Okay, everybody, dogs are up.
Now Bill's in a rush,
so he gets first crack.
I'll be speedy.
Okay, we've got ketchup,
mustard, relish over there...
(gulping)
(munching loudly)
Sweet Jesus.
Whoa, look at him go!
Bill! Bill!
Those dogs are for everyone.
(gulping noisily)
(belches)
That should do it.
Wow.
If there were 13 more dogs
on that platter
Mr. Dauterive would be in the
Guinness Book of
World Records.
And did you see how
excited Bobby was
about that hot dog
eating record?
If he ever puts together
fame and eating...
(shudders):
Well, he might
end up like, uh...
What was the name of that
large comedian who died?
But it's nice for Bill
to finally have something
he's good at.
Might give him a reason
to live, and what not.
What Bill needs is
a healthy relationship.
Look how I turned
your life around.
Now...
Guess what?
I finally got a woman
to agree to go outwith him.
My God, you're kidding.
Who?
Sunny Edmunds,
the new librarian.
The perky one?
No, the one who
won't make change.
Did you try
the perky one?
Yes, I did, and it
took the perk right
out of her.
Yep.
Bill, what the hell
was up with you and
the hot dogs?
That was
the most disgusting thing
I've ever seen in my life
or on the Internet.
I'm sorry. I was in a hurry.
The movie sucked.
We had to wait
a whole three minutes
for Hank to throw
on more dogs.
Does your selfish gluttony
know no end?
No.
Now wait a minute,
Bill.
Eating 12 hot dogs
in a minute
is kind of a...
well, a talent.
Huh. I hadn't thought
of it that way.
DALE:
Nice, Hank.
Do you want him to be
this Lonely pant-load
for the rest of his life?
As a matter of fact,
Peggy's got a gal
who agreed to go out
on a date with Bill.
That's right, an actual woman.
No!
Yep. Dinner.
Tomorrow night.
Maybe you could
figure out
what's causing that,
uh, god-awful smell
in your car.
That was a frog.
I guess I'll get rid of it.
PEGGY:
Oh.
I almost forgot.
At dinner, do not order chicken.
Sunny is terrified of birds.
Roger that.
By the way, I took the
liberty of changing our
dinner reservations
to Pea Soup Swenson's.
I can show off my talent,
as you say.
If you eat ten bowls of soup
everyone at your table
eats free.
Seven!
Aah...
Sunny, you can
order yourself
another whiskey sour.
It's all going to
be on the house
'cause I am a
soup-eating machine.
(slurping)
You promised me
a fat George Clooney.
This is not
a fat George Clooney.
Nine!
Did Sunny go
to the bathroom?
I think I'm wowing her.
(sighs):
She left, Bill.
Did she see a bird?
(Peggy scoffs)
You disgusted her.
WOMAN:
Mmm, I like the
way you eat soup.
Are you making fun of me?
If you are, it's okay,
I just like to know.
Hell, no.
I follow the sport
of competitive eating
very closely.
But I've never
seen you before.
Cyndi Beauchamp. Fan.
Bill Dauterive.
What do you mean by sport?
I figured you were some
dark horse chow hog
in town for the hot dog
eating championship.
Haven't you ever
heard of the IFOCE?
The International
Federation of
Competitive Eating?
Okay, you are
making fun of him.
We get the joke,
ha, ha, ha.
Now move along, lady.
The IFOCE is the real deal.
They're like the NFL
of competitive eating.
You know, Bill,
tomorrow night Dan Vasti...
one of the greats
in the sport...
is having a party
over in McMaynerbury.
You should come.
Meet the other eaters.
Hmm, I never say no
to a party in McMaynerbury.
I have a feeling
about you.
And I have slept with
enough competitive eaters
to know greatness
when I see it.
Thanks.
(lively dance music playing)
All right,
they've got pepper jack.
Mmm. Oh, that's good shrimp.
MAN:
Hey. Easy on
the shrimp.
Save it for
game day, slugger.
It's a real rookie
mistake to get your
grub on at a party.
I'm sorry. This is my first
organized eating function.
It's cool.
It’s just if everyone here
decided to throw down
I'd go broke.
(laughing)
Dan Vasti.
Bill Dauterive.
Oh!
You're the new gurgitator
Cyndi was telling me about.
I noticed you breathe
through your nose...
that's a good start.
Boy, look at the size
of that trophy.
Won that baby in Munich.
Bratwurst.
And those are
my three consecutive
Mustard Yellow belts.
I was going for four
and then... this.
Massive heart attack.
Triple bypass, 85 stitches,
goat valve.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
I'm taking care of myself now.
Red wine.
You know, Bill,
the last big American
to win the Mustard Yellow belt
was Steve Keiner in '99.
Since then,
all the hot dog competitions
have been won
by skinny Japanese guys.
(sighs):
But I still believe
in the big man.
HANK:
Wait a minute.
America isn't
the hot dog champion?
Well, how could you
let that happen?
This whole nation
is stuffing its face.
Can't one of us do it
at record speed?
Yeah, it's unfreakin'
acceptable, man.
Time for America to get cocky.
Amen, brother.
Aah-aah-aah!
Hank Hill,
Bill Dauterive,
this is Kid Rock...
competitive eating's
fan-o numero uno.
Hell, yeah!
(howls)
Huh, I once canceled
a 12-city European tour
to watch this grub gobbler
chow dog.
Hey, Rock, check out
Nozawa between the
two big blondes.
Takeru Nozawa.
The reigning champ.
Eats left
drinks right.
110 pounds
of pure stomach.
50 hot dogs
in 12 minutes.
Not one-five.
Five-oh!
Whoa.
Hank Hill.
Ken Irrawaddy.
So, are you an eater?
Yeah.
Laotian noodle champion.
I'm branching out into hot dogs.
No kidding.
My neighbor's Laotian.
You know a guy named Kahn?
You're going to wear the belt
one day, baby.
Hey, Cyndi.
(scornfully):
Nozawa.
When are you going to drop
these fat American losers
and get with number one?
Hey.
You'd look damn sexy
wearing nothing but
my Mustard Yellow
Championship belt.
You know, I think
your Mustard Yellow belt
is going to look pretty good
around my fat American gut.
Baby, you're not ready yet...
not for Nozawa.
Who are you?
I'm Big Bill Dauterive.
Come next weekend, I'm going
to eat the hell out of you!
Hah! Chump!
You don't know who
you're messing with!
Oh, yeah?
I'll tell you who you're messing
with... the USA!
(chanting):
USA! USA!
BOTH:
USA!
ALL (chanting):
USA! USA!
(chanting continues)
USA! USA!
Breathe and
swallow, Bill!
Breath and swallow!
Come on, you're
eating for America!
I don't get it.
Are you training him
to be an athlete
or a colossal fat-ass?
Dang it, Dale.
When did you get to be
such a Negative Nellie?
Why don’t you try being
a Positive Pete?
KAHN:
Oh, you poor,
deluded redneck.
You actually think
you can eat more hot
dogs than Nozawa? Hah!
Personally, my money
on Ken Irrawaddy...
"The Laotian Commotion."
He the Michael
Jordan of Laos.
HANK:
Keep going, Bill.
You've got to be able
to focus with distractions
no matter how annoying
they are.
Guess you haven't
heard of "Belt
of Fat theory!"
(mumbling):
Belt of fat?
That why fat guys can't keep up
with us skinny Asians.
Your stomachs are trapped
in belt of fat.
Got no room to stretch.
Irrawaddy not only skinny
and flexible
rumor has it
he got two stomachs.
Huh. I met him at a party
and his stomach seemed
perfectly normal.
You met Irrawaddy?!
Was he wearing the scarf
I knit for him?!
BOBBY:
Mom.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Yes, what?
Look what I made for
Dad in shop class...
a bird feeder.
Or a shoe box.
I'll let him decide.
HANK:
Throw down those dogs!
Hey, what's
Mr. Dauterive doing?
Whatever it is
it sure is making him popular.
Is he... eating?
Let me see that.
What did you do?
Obviously you need to
work on your adhesives.
I wouldn't show this
to your father just yet.
But-but good try.
Okay, now,
you just need to rank
in the top five
to qualify.
So you don't have to dazzle,
you just have to place.
Remember, Honey Bear,
it's not Roman rules
so whatever you do,
don't vomit.
You keep those doggies
in your tummy
and Cyndi will give
you the nummy-nummy.
(whistle blowing)
Next up, Nozawa
versus Ken Irrawaddy!
(air horn blowing)
Irrawaddy! Irrawaddy!
Kom ak kin kow laoew!
He nod at me! He nod at me!
(whistle blowing)
Mmm, they're
pretty fast.
But here's the Dauterive's
strategy:
Start off slow,
build the momentum
and then kick hard
to the finish line.
Those dogs are going down.
Yeah, baby!
Yeah, strap on the feed bag,
you tragic behemoth.
How many dogs will it take
to make you feel whole inside?
Shut up, Dale!
This man is eating
for his country, Dale.
What you're doing
is treason.
(owling)
Nazawa's down.
Ooh!
I've hear that
sound before.
Hello,
colostomy bag.
(air horn blowing)
Laos rules!
All fall before the
might of Irrawaddy!
(whistle blowing)
Irrawaddy:
25-and-a-quarter.
Irrawaddy is now
leading the pack.
Last contestant:
Dauterive.
You're soloing.
Come on, baby,
focus.
(sighs):
It's go time.
Hail the conquering fat-ass!
A lonely pig gorging himself
on the lips and anuses
of his brothers.
Dale, why don't you shut
your skinny little
no-hot-dog-eating mouth?
You know, I figured out
what your problem is.
Oh, really?
Mm-hmm.
I think you're a little jealous
of the Dauterive.
Jealous?!
OFFICIAL:
On your mark...
get set...
go!
Jealous of this?
Any idiot
can eat hot dogs.
It's not a talent.
(munching)
Look, I'll go two at a time.
(munching loudly)
See? It's nothing special.
I can eat three at a time.
Who cares?
He's tri-doggin'!
Come on, Bill.
Wolf it!
(gulping)
(whistle blowing)
Dauterive:
22-and-a-half.
New guy:
34-and-an-eighth!
(crowd gasping)
Congratulations, gentlemen.
You both qualify.
What's your name, gladiator?
Dale Gribble.
(crowd chanting):
Gribble! Gribble! USA!
Gribble! Gribble! USA!
Dude, will you sign my face?
Huh?
What about
the Dauterive?
BILL (sobbing):
Why? Tell me...
why give me a great gift,
only to snatch it away?
What did I do, huh?
D-Did I ask for too much?
Did I fly too close to the sun
on my beautiful hot dog wings?
(yelling):
Why do you like Dale better?!
I hate you!
I'm so sorry,
I didn't mean that.
Please, help me eat
more hot dogs than Dale!
Please!
(whimpers)
Boy, I still
can't get over Dale.
What a dogger.
That little alley of
yours is turning into
quite a freak show.
(sighs)
What do I do now?
Ah, dang it, Bill.
I've got to go
with the winner tomorrow.
This country's honor
is at stake.
Well, I do not know
how much longer
I can keep Bobby away.
Today he heard Bill training,
so I stabbed my thumb
with a ballpoint pen
to distract him.
Good work.
Thank you.
I think it's infected.
So, have you gotten a chance
to read my short story?
I kinda had, uh...
had some stuff to me.
Fresh-baked muffins,
anyone?
You know I love muffins.
Got any cranberry banana
macadamia nut?
Actually,
that's all I've got.
Oh. When it comes to muffins,
I can't help myself.
I'm a muffaholic.
Mmm!
Hey, Hank, Bill baked
fresh cranberry banana
macadamia nut muffins.
Bill, Boomhauer's
allergic to macadamias
and you know
I don't eat cranberries.
We've had this
conversation before.
Wait a minute.
My muffin!
Dang it, don't you see
what he's doing?
He's filling you up
so you won't be able
to compete today.
That is
an outrageous accusation!
You're sabotaging your friend
and your country.
You ought to be ashamed
of yourself.
Yeah, but... um... oh!
I'm sorry!
But what am I supposed to do?
I want to bring home
the Mustard Yellow Belt
to America!
Me! The Dauterive!
Oh, for God sakes, Bill.
I wasn't even planning on going
to the competition.
(sighs)
Dale...
Lady liberty
is a proud woman.
She doesn't like
to ask her boys for help
but when she does blow
the horn of freedom
I tell you, mister...
I'm sorry, Hank, but I'm
not joining that freak show.
How can you say that?
Because I'm a freak!
I know!
I've been there,
and I don’t want to go back!
'Sright.
It was the fifth grade.
I had a touch
of the social anxiety disorder
and medication
was not readily available
or indeed invented yet.
I had a hard time making
connections with people.
GIRL:
Did you see that?
Yuck! That
guy ate a bug!
Eww!
Do it again.
By the next week, I
was putting on shows at recess.
KIDS:
Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!
I was an eating machine...
crickets, spiders
dung beetles.
I thought I was so cool.
Eat it!
That's so gross!
That is yucky!
Eat more!
What a freak.
Remember, Bill, just because
you have their attention
doesn't mean you have
their respect.
So Bill, I guess
you're America's only hope.
Are you in?
I am so in.
Oh...
Hank?
Is there any chance
I might be able to get
some alone time with Dale and...
"persuade" him?
Keep your
pants on, lady.
My wife's
hotter than you
and she throws
more sex at me
than I know
what to do with.
Cyndi, believe in the big man.
Show me a miracle, baby.
PEGGY:
The outlet mall
is a bit of a drive
but God help me
I love those
discontinued pantsuits.
Hey, look,
the County Fair!
Something about
a hot dog contest.
I could go for a hot dog.
Maybe even two.
Oh, good, here's another sign.
Mom, what are you doing?!
Well, you know,
it just occurred to me...
I have never
taken you fishing!
OFFICIAL:
Gladiators,
hands on the table.
Judges, you ready?
On your mark...
get set...
eat!
Dang it,
Irraawaddy's
already up
two dogs on Bill.
He's got to kick.
Too soon.
He'll flame out!
(air horn blares)
♪ Laos rules ♪
♪ Laos rules! ♪
Uh, aren’t we supposed
to have fishing rods?
Fishing rods?
(sputters lips)
Have you ever seen a bear
use a fishing rod?
Here, use the tackle
God gave you.
Look, look,
there's a sturgeon!
Slap it out
of the water, Bobby!
Where? I don't see it.
Oh, you're scaring him away with
all your talk, talk, talking!
DAN:
Look, Bill's kicking!
He's kicking!
C'mon, work it!
He's ahead!
Go, Bill!
Attack the dog!
Attack the dog!
(chanting):
USA, USA...
KAHN:
Come on,
Irrawaddy!
Laos is depending
on you!
Dauterive!
Go, Dauterive!
Eat it! Eat it!
(no audio)
DALE:
Is he? Is he?
He is!
He's quitting!
All right, Bill!
No!
Come on, Bill!
USA! USA?
Hank... I'm full.
I know, buddy.
Just another 15 dogs.
But they're laughing at me.
Do I have to keep doing this?
Uh...
I guess it's
for America.
You know, Bill,
America doesn't need to win
every dang thing
to be great.
We've got the Constitution,
two George Bushes
great toilets.
Hell, we played golf
on the moon.
I guess we can let Laos have a
stupid wiener contest, can’t we?
DAN:
What the hell
are you doing?!
Bill, you fool,
there's still time!
Dude, get back in there
and eat like the wind!
Thank you for the hot dogs,
but I've had enough to eat.
I bid you good day.
OFFICIAL:
And the winner...
Ken Irrawaddy,
from Laos!
(air horn blares)
This is the proudest
day of my life!
Oh, that's it!
I'm quitting music
and putting on the bib.
(triumphant shout)
So, uh, things
still on with Cyndi?
No.
Well, at least you got
a little chicka-womp-womp.
Actually, we were
saving it for tonight.
My idea.
Attaboy, Bill.
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access. Wgbh. Org
BILL:
Anyone got
a breath mint?
HANK:
Yep.
DALE:
Here you go.
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
and TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX
TELEVISION
Hey, Peggy Hill.
Thanks for inviting us
to barbecue.
Not to be rude, but is
this name brand soda?
It taste kind of skunky.
Well, of course it's name brand.
It's MegaloMart Private Select.
(sotto voce):
Idiots.
Are the hot dogs ready?
I got a movie to catch
in 12 minutes.
You're leaving?
Aw, this is a couples' event.
And there's this movie
I'm dying to see.
This one's got a Culkin
and a Baldwin in it.
Well, the dogs will be done
in a few seconds.
Oop, they're plumping.
Hey, I was going
to sit there.
Sorry.
You said you were going
to sit there.
Eventually.
(sighs)
Okay, everybody, dogs are up.
Now Bill's in a rush,
so he gets first crack.
I'll be speedy.
Okay, we've got ketchup,
mustard, relish over there...
(gulping)
(munching loudly)
Sweet Jesus.
Whoa, look at him go!
Bill! Bill!
Those dogs are for everyone.
(gulping noisily)
(belches)
That should do it.
Wow.
If there were 13 more dogs
on that platter
Mr. Dauterive would be in the
Guinness Book of
World Records.
And did you see how
excited Bobby was
about that hot dog
eating record?
If he ever puts together
fame and eating...
(shudders):
Well, he might
end up like, uh...
What was the name of that
large comedian who died?
But it's nice for Bill
to finally have something
he's good at.
Might give him a reason
to live, and what not.
What Bill needs is
a healthy relationship.
Look how I turned
your life around.
Now...
Guess what?
I finally got a woman
to agree to go outwith him.
My God, you're kidding.
Who?
Sunny Edmunds,
the new librarian.
The perky one?
No, the one who
won't make change.
Did you try
the perky one?
Yes, I did, and it
took the perk right
out of her.
Yep.
Bill, what the hell
was up with you and
the hot dogs?
That was
the most disgusting thing
I've ever seen in my life
or on the Internet.
I'm sorry. I was in a hurry.
The movie sucked.
We had to wait
a whole three minutes
for Hank to throw
on more dogs.
Does your selfish gluttony
know no end?
No.
Now wait a minute,
Bill.
Eating 12 hot dogs
in a minute
is kind of a...
well, a talent.
Huh. I hadn't thought
of it that way.
DALE:
Nice, Hank.
Do you want him to be
this Lonely pant-load
for the rest of his life?
As a matter of fact,
Peggy's got a gal
who agreed to go out
on a date with Bill.
That's right, an actual woman.
No!
Yep. Dinner.
Tomorrow night.
Maybe you could
figure out
what's causing that,
uh, god-awful smell
in your car.
That was a frog.
I guess I'll get rid of it.
PEGGY:
Oh.
I almost forgot.
At dinner, do not order chicken.
Sunny is terrified of birds.
Roger that.
By the way, I took the
liberty of changing our
dinner reservations
to Pea Soup Swenson's.
I can show off my talent,
as you say.
If you eat ten bowls of soup
everyone at your table
eats free.
Seven!
Aah...
Sunny, you can
order yourself
another whiskey sour.
It's all going to
be on the house
'cause I am a
soup-eating machine.
(slurping)
You promised me
a fat George Clooney.
This is not
a fat George Clooney.
Nine!
Did Sunny go
to the bathroom?
I think I'm wowing her.
(sighs):
She left, Bill.
Did she see a bird?
(Peggy scoffs)
You disgusted her.
WOMAN:
Mmm, I like the
way you eat soup.
Are you making fun of me?
If you are, it's okay,
I just like to know.
Hell, no.
I follow the sport
of competitive eating
very closely.
But I've never
seen you before.
Cyndi Beauchamp. Fan.
Bill Dauterive.
What do you mean by sport?
I figured you were some
dark horse chow hog
in town for the hot dog
eating championship.
Haven't you ever
heard of the IFOCE?
The International
Federation of
Competitive Eating?
Okay, you are
making fun of him.
We get the joke,
ha, ha, ha.
Now move along, lady.
The IFOCE is the real deal.
They're like the NFL
of competitive eating.
You know, Bill,
tomorrow night Dan Vasti...
one of the greats
in the sport...
is having a party
over in McMaynerbury.
You should come.
Meet the other eaters.
Hmm, I never say no
to a party in McMaynerbury.
I have a feeling
about you.
And I have slept with
enough competitive eaters
to know greatness
when I see it.
Thanks.
(lively dance music playing)
All right,
they've got pepper jack.
Mmm. Oh, that's good shrimp.
MAN:
Hey. Easy on
the shrimp.
Save it for
game day, slugger.
It's a real rookie
mistake to get your
grub on at a party.
I'm sorry. This is my first
organized eating function.
It's cool.
It’s just if everyone here
decided to throw down
I'd go broke.
(laughing)
Dan Vasti.
Bill Dauterive.
Oh!
You're the new gurgitator
Cyndi was telling me about.
I noticed you breathe
through your nose...
that's a good start.
Boy, look at the size
of that trophy.
Won that baby in Munich.
Bratwurst.
And those are
my three consecutive
Mustard Yellow belts.
I was going for four
and then... this.
Massive heart attack.
Triple bypass, 85 stitches,
goat valve.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
I'm taking care of myself now.
Red wine.
You know, Bill,
the last big American
to win the Mustard Yellow belt
was Steve Keiner in '99.
Since then,
all the hot dog competitions
have been won
by skinny Japanese guys.
(sighs):
But I still believe
in the big man.
HANK:
Wait a minute.
America isn't
the hot dog champion?
Well, how could you
let that happen?
This whole nation
is stuffing its face.
Can't one of us do it
at record speed?
Yeah, it's unfreakin'
acceptable, man.
Time for America to get cocky.
Amen, brother.
Aah-aah-aah!
Hank Hill,
Bill Dauterive,
this is Kid Rock...
competitive eating's
fan-o numero uno.
Hell, yeah!
(howls)
Huh, I once canceled
a 12-city European tour
to watch this grub gobbler
chow dog.
Hey, Rock, check out
Nozawa between the
two big blondes.
Takeru Nozawa.
The reigning champ.
Eats left
drinks right.
110 pounds
of pure stomach.
50 hot dogs
in 12 minutes.
Not one-five.
Five-oh!
Whoa.
Hank Hill.
Ken Irrawaddy.
So, are you an eater?
Yeah.
Laotian noodle champion.
I'm branching out into hot dogs.
No kidding.
My neighbor's Laotian.
You know a guy named Kahn?
You're going to wear the belt
one day, baby.
Hey, Cyndi.
(scornfully):
Nozawa.
When are you going to drop
these fat American losers
and get with number one?
Hey.
You'd look damn sexy
wearing nothing but
my Mustard Yellow
Championship belt.
You know, I think
your Mustard Yellow belt
is going to look pretty good
around my fat American gut.
Baby, you're not ready yet...
not for Nozawa.
Who are you?
I'm Big Bill Dauterive.
Come next weekend, I'm going
to eat the hell out of you!
Hah! Chump!
You don't know who
you're messing with!
Oh, yeah?
I'll tell you who you're messing
with... the USA!
(chanting):
USA! USA!
BOTH:
USA!
ALL (chanting):
USA! USA!
(chanting continues)
USA! USA!
Breathe and
swallow, Bill!
Breath and swallow!
Come on, you're
eating for America!
I don't get it.
Are you training him
to be an athlete
or a colossal fat-ass?
Dang it, Dale.
When did you get to be
such a Negative Nellie?
Why don’t you try being
a Positive Pete?
KAHN:
Oh, you poor,
deluded redneck.
You actually think
you can eat more hot
dogs than Nozawa? Hah!
Personally, my money
on Ken Irrawaddy...
"The Laotian Commotion."
He the Michael
Jordan of Laos.
HANK:
Keep going, Bill.
You've got to be able
to focus with distractions
no matter how annoying
they are.
Guess you haven't
heard of "Belt
of Fat theory!"
(mumbling):
Belt of fat?
That why fat guys can't keep up
with us skinny Asians.
Your stomachs are trapped
in belt of fat.
Got no room to stretch.
Irrawaddy not only skinny
and flexible
rumor has it
he got two stomachs.
Huh. I met him at a party
and his stomach seemed
perfectly normal.
You met Irrawaddy?!
Was he wearing the scarf
I knit for him?!
BOBBY:
Mom.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Yes, what?
Look what I made for
Dad in shop class...
a bird feeder.
Or a shoe box.
I'll let him decide.
HANK:
Throw down those dogs!
Hey, what's
Mr. Dauterive doing?
Whatever it is
it sure is making him popular.
Is he... eating?
Let me see that.
What did you do?
Obviously you need to
work on your adhesives.
I wouldn't show this
to your father just yet.
But-but good try.
Okay, now,
you just need to rank
in the top five
to qualify.
So you don't have to dazzle,
you just have to place.
Remember, Honey Bear,
it's not Roman rules
so whatever you do,
don't vomit.
You keep those doggies
in your tummy
and Cyndi will give
you the nummy-nummy.
(whistle blowing)
Next up, Nozawa
versus Ken Irrawaddy!
(air horn blowing)
Irrawaddy! Irrawaddy!
Kom ak kin kow laoew!
He nod at me! He nod at me!
(whistle blowing)
Mmm, they're
pretty fast.
But here's the Dauterive's
strategy:
Start off slow,
build the momentum
and then kick hard
to the finish line.
Those dogs are going down.
Yeah, baby!
Yeah, strap on the feed bag,
you tragic behemoth.
How many dogs will it take
to make you feel whole inside?
Shut up, Dale!
This man is eating
for his country, Dale.
What you're doing
is treason.
(owling)
Nazawa's down.
Ooh!
I've hear that
sound before.
Hello,
colostomy bag.
(air horn blowing)
Laos rules!
All fall before the
might of Irrawaddy!
(whistle blowing)
Irrawaddy:
25-and-a-quarter.
Irrawaddy is now
leading the pack.
Last contestant:
Dauterive.
You're soloing.
Come on, baby,
focus.
(sighs):
It's go time.
Hail the conquering fat-ass!
A lonely pig gorging himself
on the lips and anuses
of his brothers.
Dale, why don't you shut
your skinny little
no-hot-dog-eating mouth?
You know, I figured out
what your problem is.
Oh, really?
Mm-hmm.
I think you're a little jealous
of the Dauterive.
Jealous?!
OFFICIAL:
On your mark...
get set...
go!
Jealous of this?
Any idiot
can eat hot dogs.
It's not a talent.
(munching)
Look, I'll go two at a time.
(munching loudly)
See? It's nothing special.
I can eat three at a time.
Who cares?
He's tri-doggin'!
Come on, Bill.
Wolf it!
(gulping)
(whistle blowing)
Dauterive:
22-and-a-half.
New guy:
34-and-an-eighth!
(crowd gasping)
Congratulations, gentlemen.
You both qualify.
What's your name, gladiator?
Dale Gribble.
(crowd chanting):
Gribble! Gribble! USA!
Gribble! Gribble! USA!
Dude, will you sign my face?
Huh?
What about
the Dauterive?
BILL (sobbing):
Why? Tell me...
why give me a great gift,
only to snatch it away?
What did I do, huh?
D-Did I ask for too much?
Did I fly too close to the sun
on my beautiful hot dog wings?
(yelling):
Why do you like Dale better?!
I hate you!
I'm so sorry,
I didn't mean that.
Please, help me eat
more hot dogs than Dale!
Please!
(whimpers)
Boy, I still
can't get over Dale.
What a dogger.
That little alley of
yours is turning into
quite a freak show.
(sighs)
What do I do now?
Ah, dang it, Bill.
I've got to go
with the winner tomorrow.
This country's honor
is at stake.
Well, I do not know
how much longer
I can keep Bobby away.
Today he heard Bill training,
so I stabbed my thumb
with a ballpoint pen
to distract him.
Good work.
Thank you.
I think it's infected.
So, have you gotten a chance
to read my short story?
I kinda had, uh...
had some stuff to me.
Fresh-baked muffins,
anyone?
You know I love muffins.
Got any cranberry banana
macadamia nut?
Actually,
that's all I've got.
Oh. When it comes to muffins,
I can't help myself.
I'm a muffaholic.
Mmm!
Hey, Hank, Bill baked
fresh cranberry banana
macadamia nut muffins.
Bill, Boomhauer's
allergic to macadamias
and you know
I don't eat cranberries.
We've had this
conversation before.
Wait a minute.
My muffin!
Dang it, don't you see
what he's doing?
He's filling you up
so you won't be able
to compete today.
That is
an outrageous accusation!
You're sabotaging your friend
and your country.
You ought to be ashamed
of yourself.
Yeah, but... um... oh!
I'm sorry!
But what am I supposed to do?
I want to bring home
the Mustard Yellow Belt
to America!
Me! The Dauterive!
Oh, for God sakes, Bill.
I wasn't even planning on going
to the competition.
(sighs)
Dale...
Lady liberty
is a proud woman.
She doesn't like
to ask her boys for help
but when she does blow
the horn of freedom
I tell you, mister...
I'm sorry, Hank, but I'm
not joining that freak show.
How can you say that?
Because I'm a freak!
I know!
I've been there,
and I don’t want to go back!
'Sright.
It was the fifth grade.
I had a touch
of the social anxiety disorder
and medication
was not readily available
or indeed invented yet.
I had a hard time making
connections with people.
GIRL:
Did you see that?
Yuck! That
guy ate a bug!
Eww!
Do it again.
By the next week, I
was putting on shows at recess.
KIDS:
Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!
I was an eating machine...
crickets, spiders
dung beetles.
I thought I was so cool.
Eat it!
That's so gross!
That is yucky!
Eat more!
What a freak.
Remember, Bill, just because
you have their attention
doesn't mean you have
their respect.
So Bill, I guess
you're America's only hope.
Are you in?
I am so in.
Oh...
Hank?
Is there any chance
I might be able to get
some alone time with Dale and...
"persuade" him?
Keep your
pants on, lady.
My wife's
hotter than you
and she throws
more sex at me
than I know
what to do with.
Cyndi, believe in the big man.
Show me a miracle, baby.
PEGGY:
The outlet mall
is a bit of a drive
but God help me
I love those
discontinued pantsuits.
Hey, look,
the County Fair!
Something about
a hot dog contest.
I could go for a hot dog.
Maybe even two.
Oh, good, here's another sign.
Mom, what are you doing?!
Well, you know,
it just occurred to me...
I have never
taken you fishing!
OFFICIAL:
Gladiators,
hands on the table.
Judges, you ready?
On your mark...
get set...
eat!
Dang it,
Irraawaddy's
already up
two dogs on Bill.
He's got to kick.
Too soon.
He'll flame out!
(air horn blares)
♪ Laos rules ♪
♪ Laos rules! ♪
Uh, aren’t we supposed
to have fishing rods?
Fishing rods?
(sputters lips)
Have you ever seen a bear
use a fishing rod?
Here, use the tackle
God gave you.
Look, look,
there's a sturgeon!
Slap it out
of the water, Bobby!
Where? I don't see it.
Oh, you're scaring him away with
all your talk, talk, talking!
DAN:
Look, Bill's kicking!
He's kicking!
C'mon, work it!
He's ahead!
Go, Bill!
Attack the dog!
Attack the dog!
(chanting):
USA, USA...
KAHN:
Come on,
Irrawaddy!
Laos is depending
on you!
Dauterive!
Go, Dauterive!
Eat it! Eat it!
(no audio)
DALE:
Is he? Is he?
He is!
He's quitting!
All right, Bill!
No!
Come on, Bill!
USA! USA?
Hank... I'm full.
I know, buddy.
Just another 15 dogs.
But they're laughing at me.
Do I have to keep doing this?
Uh...
I guess it's
for America.
You know, Bill,
America doesn't need to win
every dang thing
to be great.
We've got the Constitution,
two George Bushes
great toilets.
Hell, we played golf
on the moon.
I guess we can let Laos have a
stupid wiener contest, can’t we?
DAN:
What the hell
are you doing?!
Bill, you fool,
there's still time!
Dude, get back in there
and eat like the wind!
Thank you for the hot dogs,
but I've had enough to eat.
I bid you good day.
OFFICIAL:
And the winner...
Ken Irrawaddy,
from Laos!
(air horn blares)
This is the proudest
day of my life!
Oh, that's it!
I'm quitting music
and putting on the bib.
(triumphant shout)
So, uh, things
still on with Cyndi?
No.
Well, at least you got
a little chicka-womp-womp.
Actually, we were
saving it for tonight.
My idea.
Attaboy, Bill.
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access. Wgbh. Org
BILL:
Anyone got
a breath mint?
HANK:
Yep.
DALE:
Here you go.