King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 7, Episode 1 - Get Your Freak Off - full transcript

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and TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX
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DALE:
Now that's one heck

of a shoetree,
Hank.

Yup, Peggy's birthday
is coming up

and she was hinting that
she wanted something

"for in the bedroom."

(car horn honking)

Bobby, get out of the street!

Hey, get out
of the road!

♪ Yazzim pimp... zizell...
oh... ♪



Bobby, I can't
have you disco
dancing in the alley.

People are going
to think

we didn't
teach you shame.

And I know we have.

(loud bass track)

What is
this garbage?

It's Pimp Franklin

and he doesn't need
your respect, Dad.

He don't pay no man
no mind.

Get in the truck,
son.

When I was our age, we had
these things called songs.

They were two-minute
stories

about people
falling in love

or burning
down Georgia.



But I guess
Hollywood decided

we needed more criminals

yelling
about their lady friend’s...

baby place.

Did you pick out
your new album?

Whoa, red flag,
Bobby.

I have been advised
to listen to this record.

BOBBY:
They put that sticker
on everything.

It's part of the artwork.

It entices.

Excuse me.

I need to use
this parental listening booth

to screen my son's music.

That's a great album.

Put it back.

(raucous rock music)
This one, too.

(techno-pop playing)

The Four Scores... hmm!

Kind of sounds like The Beatles
before they went nuts in India.

It's not the Four Scores, Dad.

It's 4Skore!

There's Chris, Calvin,
Cool Chris and Todd.

♪ One ♪
♪ One ♪

♪ Fine ♪
♪ Fine ♪

♪ Day ♪
♪ Day ♪

♪ God was ♪

♪ Kicking it... in heaven. ♪

Hey, I like this.

It's kind of like doo-wop.

This is the kind of music
you should be listening to.

Okay.

♪ Down here on earth... ♪

Yeah, uh, I heard
this new band they got out

4Skore.

(laughing)

You talkin' 'bout that
dang ol' boy band, man.

Talkin' 'bout prancin'

around ol'
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

Oh, man.

It's not like I'm listening
to them.

You know, it’s just
good music forth kids.

If your kids like
listening to castrati.

But they are a nice,
wholesome group.

Of castrati, yes.

And we can agree
their music isn't
all that bad.

Maybe even okay.

Okay if you're
a prepubescent girl.

Are you one
of those, Hank, huh?

A prepubescent girl?

Would a prepubescent girl
be able to kick your ass?

Probably.

Dad, 4Skorejust released
a block of tickets

for their show
in Houston.

But I thought they were
all sold out.

That’s just so... wow.

I... I'm just so happy
for you and your friends.

Hey, Connie.

Hey, blonde girl.

This is Jordan,
my study buddy

from the Frontier
Learning Center.

And this is Bobby.

It's nice to meet
you, Jordan.

Sorry. I just got my braces.

I'm still a little jumpy.

I already got smacked
in the lip with a volleyball.

I got stitches.
Do you want to see?

Yes, I do.

That's disgusting.

Okay, ranking
in order of sexiness...

ignoring their
brutal slaughter

of Texans at the Alamo,
I say it goes

Martin Perfecto de Cos,
Antonio Lopez de Santa Ana

and Don Jose Urrrera.

Why don’t we make this
a tad more fun?

Let's rank the men
on our street.

Well, I don't normally
go forth white meat

but number one
is obvious.

That Boomhauer have
one tight little bod.

Well, I think Dale
is second.

Dale?

He is unbelievably limber.

Well, my Khan

definitely
tie for second.

He has big-ass
pompadour

and his stomach
is ripped.

And then I guess
second tier is
Hank and Bill.

¿Escuchame?

You think Hank is on
the same tier as Bill Dauterive?

Well, don't get
all worked up, sug.

We're ranking
by sexy.

Hank's a good man

but he's too uptight
to be sexy.

I will have you know
that in the 20 years

we have been married

Hank has never once
forgotten my birthday

or been late
on a mortgage payment.

(laughing)

Oh, yeah, that's
real sexy, sug.

You obviously didn’t find
Dale real sexy for the 15 years

you were cheating on him
with John Redcorn.

Oh, Lordy! We forgot
John Redcorn.

Whoo!
Oh!

Okay, so it goes

John Redcorn...

Boomhauer,
Khan and Dale.

Then Bill and Hank.

Or Hank and Bill.

It doesn't really matter.
Whichever.

Dad, wait up.

I read a rumor
on the Internet

that Chris
frosted his bangs.

Dang Internet.

They don't care
whose life they ruin.

Dad, I'm thinking about
asking Jordan to dance.

When, how...

what song?

Help me. I'm in over my head.

Well, son, just
look her in the eye

and say, "Would you
care to dance?"

In my experience

women really respond
to formality.

Have your tickets out.

Sir, the parents' section

is in the skybox.

Uh, I came to see the show.

Trust me, sir, you want
to be in the parents' section.

This is a boy band.

♪ One ♪
♪ One ♪

♪ Fine ♪
♪ Fine ♪

Hey, that's Todd.

♪ God was kickin' it ♪

♪ In heaven... ♪

♪ In heaven. ♪

That sure is some
good old-fashioned music...

(explosion)

♪ I saw you walkin' round ♪

♪ With your friend
sweeter than candy ♪

♪ delicious and sweet... ♪

Todd, what are you doing?

♪... felt about you... ♪

Hey! Hey!

♪ Can I get me some of that,
can I get me some of that? ♪

Would you care to dance?

Sure.

I mean, if you want to.

♪ All over body addiction... ♪

So you go to
the Learning Center?

You must be
crazy good at math.

Yeah, I'm in trig.

Hey, what about you?

My math is
just called math.

♪... the equation
you plus me equals... ♪

Dad, look!

It worked.
We're dancing.

What?!

Stop that!

♪ Everybody needs contact... ♪

♪ Uh-uh-uh. ♪

Dad, what are you doing?

Let me go!

♪ The equation you plus me
equals... ♪

♪ Equals freak friction. ♪

Hey, guys,
how was the concert?

It was a disaster.

I was fast dancing
with a pretty girl

to one of my favorite songs.

Then Dad ripped us apart.

Hank Hill, are you so uptight

you won't even let
your own son dance with a girl?

They weren't dancing
like you and I dance.

They were enjoying it.

Lord.

Everything now is sex, sex, sex.

It wasn't like this
when I was growing up.

What is going on
with our children?

Yes, exactly.

Do you see the way
the little girls are dressing?

Walking around
in their tiny shirts?

Everything right out
on display.

Where is the mystery?

And we wonder why
men don't respect us.

I can't picture
this horrible, awful dancing.

Maybe I need

for you to show me.

Well, all right

but this is for
informational
purposes only.

What the heck
are they doing?

Then there was
this god-awful hip shaking.

It was like those lizards
we saw on the Discovery Channel.

(giggling)

Bobby, congratulations.

Cleaning out your brain
is now my number-one chore.

What are you doing

with the Teen People, Dad?

I'm making a time capsule.

This box is not to be
opened until you are 16.

Good Lord, what is this
smut you’re listening to?

It's not smut.

It's Radio Disney.

Nudity.

Okay, then.

Have fun.

Yep, kids are growing up

way too fast

and we have no one to blame
but the dairy council.

They're shooting
our milk up with hormones.

Your Christina Aguileras
and your Shakiras

are their prototypes.

Nice to see you again, Jordan.

Dance with you?

I'd love to.

Minh, come quick!

Redneck boy getting
busy with lawn clippings.

Bobby!

I'm going to show Bobby

that teens
can have fun

without dancing
like sex perverts.

All right, you
are making Bill

look like Pierce Brosnan.

Hi. My name is Howard
Bronsen, Jordan's father.

I was wondering
if you'd mind coming over

so we can discuss
the little problem

that happened the other night.

HANK:
About the other night

Mr. Bronsen and Mrs.
Hilgren-Bronsen.

I take full
responsibility

for what happened.

I'm glad you admit
you over-reacted.

You got a
little paternal

and ruined
the kids' night.

What? I don't think
you understand

what the problem was,
Mr. Bronsen.

Please, call me Mc B.

Would you like
an apple martini?

Oh, well, that
would be lovely.

We used to be

disciplinarians,
but every time

we made some rule
or set some limit

we'd just
start laughing.

I mean, who are
we kidding?

Hair of the dog.

(howls)

Oh, you're
in for a treat.

My son makes
the best'tinis.

Peggy, call the police.

Michael, I'd like you
to meet the Hills.

Call them Hank
and Peggy.

By the way, love the
glasses on you two.

Totally geek chic.

'Sup? Hey, McB.

You missed a hell
of a party last night.

Junior and Ray-Ray
say wazzup.

Ooh, I love Ray-Ray.

Where were you, man?

Hey, someone's got
to work around here.

Sure ain't going to be me.

(laughing)

You know, you really could
wear a shirt like McB's.

We prefer it if
Michael drinks at home

where we know he's safe

and when he gets
really buzzed

you should see him play
Pictionary... it's a riot.

You know, it's
not too late for you

to have this kind
of relationship with Bobby.

Yes, it is.

Hank, all you got to do
is be Bobby's friend.

If not, who is he going to
turn to when he's in trouble?

He won't even
need to turn.

We'll be right
there- bam!

In his face
with a brick wall

of rules, limitations
and discipline.

My parents
were a wall.

I want to be a door that leads
to a world of experiences.

Well, what kind of?

You know, I think

we are all saying
the same thing here.

No, we're not.

Nothing they say
makes any sense.

Look, the kids
really like each other.

I know. Why don't
we all take them out.

Together.

Hey, there's
a great...

I'm picking the place.

(player piano tinkling)

(laughing)

(sighs)

This place is so uncool.

Jan and Tad freaking
Shaw. Get down.

Nancy? McB?

What are you doing
in an ice cream parlor?

I mean,
we’re just here

so Tad can
use the toilet.

Go ahead, honey.

Our kids are
on a date.

Were chaperoning.

Chaperoning.

Nice job, Ronald Reagan.

Hey, don't call me that.

Yeah, don't call him that.

(snickers):
Oh, this must be

so humiliating for Jordan.

My Serena is getting ready
for her limo ride

with her high school
friends. Sophomores.

We were saving up to
rent Jordan a limo

for her birthday,

but she thought it
was a little played out.

She wants a slumber party.

A slumber party.

Good old-fashioned favorite.

With all the girls
and boys in her class.

That's very progressive.

I think maybe
we'll let Serena go.

Well, that
was so exciting.

I did not know
what was going to come next.

I know Jordan
would love it

if Bobby could come
to her slumber party.

We'll be serving tapas.

No. No got dang way is
he going to that party.

Oh, come on, Hank.

The Bronsens
will be there

and this is Bobby's chance

to hang outwith the cool kids
from the Learning Center.

It would be more like
an overnight study session.

Nice one, Mom.

No.

(disgusted snarl)

Did you even see how cool
those other parents were? Huh?

They looked
like Chandler and Monica

and look at us.

Andy Griffith
and Aunt freaking Bee!

And it's all your fault.

I cannot believe
you're not letting him go.

We never get to have
any fun when you're around!

We hate you!

Yeah.

BOBBY:
Happy birthday, Jordan.

I'm sorry I can't come
to your party

but you know how
it is with parents.

Oh, wait... you don't,
'cause yours are fun.

Bye.

Yeah, I treat you so bad

with all the food I give you

and the roof I put
over your head so nicely.

I wish I could
drive you, Bobby

but you know, you really don't
need anyone to drive you

since it's only four stops
on the Number Two bus

which leaves at 7:12,
7:18 and 7:40.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

Boys and girls are sleeping
in the same room?

(doorbell rings)

You got
the little blue ones?

I love those.

Oh, man.

It's Serena Shaw
from Frontier.

Hey, Connie.

Nice necklace.
Wow.

Thanks. You can have it.

And you are...

Bobby Hill.

Oh, Jordan's new friend.

Well, I'll make sure
you and Jordan

have a lot
of fun tonight.

I'm a good kid!

Okay. We're off
to the movies.

Don’t worry, we'll
be back late.

Uh, we'll make sure
to honk

so we don't
interrupt anything.

You're the coolest, McB.

Okay, the game is called
Seven Minutes in Heaven.

The closet will be heaven,
I will be God.

Someone grab a timer.

My God, they're really leaving.

Is there a phone number
where we can reach you?!

How long have
they been in there?

Four minutes.

I hope they have
enough air.

I don't hear
the sounds of ecstasy.

Dude, lick your hand
and spank her!

Do you have enough air?!

I want to go home.

All right, who's next?

Who's ready for some contact?

Interesting, the birthday girl.

Looks like Jordan

is getting her first
birthday present from...

Bobby Hill.

Um...

Bobby and I just
met each other.

If we move too fast,
isn't it going to ruin it?

I mean, we haven't
even talked online yet.

I like him, at least
I think I like him.

I know he can freak
and he likes ice cream.

I don't know if that's enough.

Well, you've got seven minutes
to get to know him.

(Serena chuckles)

(making kiss noises)

Bobby

I rented a square dance video

and we're going to watch it
as a family.

Bobby?

You sure have
a lot of coats.

I know! Let's look
in all the pockets.

Come on, Bobby.

We don't have much time.

Do you got any pets?

An old dog.

What's your favorite food?

Pork pockets.

Ham or pepperoni?

Ooh, that's a toughie.

I got to think about it.

Bobby!

Ham!
No, pepperoni.

No! Ham.

There.

I like you.

RAMON:
Throw out
some clothes!

Woo-hoo!

I've got a sock.

That's as far
as I'm willing to go.

KIDS:
Shirt! Shirt!

A sock? Are you crazy?

A sock isn't good enough.

Shirt!
Shirt! Shirt!

(terrified squeal)

Oh, thank God.

You are busted, mister.

(kids wooing)

I don't know
what you're wooing for.

You're all busted.

Where are the Bronsens?

They went to the movies.

When did your parents
say they were going to be back?

45 minutes.

You guys got a game shelf?

While we're waiting for
your parents to get here

we're going
to play a little game

I used to play
when I was your age.

No way am I playing
Pin the Tail on the Donkey.

This is the saddest party
that I've ever been to.

Well, I think we have
our first contestant.

Hey... no.

Wh-what are you doing?

Wait, listen, uh...

(chuckling)

Wait, where are you guys?

I can't believe
Hank Hill so uptight

he ruin little girl's
birthday party.

CONNIE:
Thank God he showed up
when he did

or I might be stuck
in a closet right now

getting felt up
by Clark Peters.

What? That little
booger-nose creep?

So, Hank really came in here
and took control, huh?

He crack a whip.

He really is sort
of sweet with the kids.

Just like a big
ol' gummi bear.

All right, I'm coming around.

Hank Hill pretty sexy.

Yeah, but not as sexy
as Boomhauer.

Mmm, that Boomhauer.

MR. BRONSEN:
How much longer
do we have to stay?

We can leave as soon
as the blacksmith

finishes my belt buckle.

So, um, in the closet...

I was going to kiss you,
obviously

but my dang dad came in and, uh,
put a damper on my situation.

So I'm just...

Nuh-uh.

None of that.

Yes, sir.

Nope, nope, none of, uh...

well, I guess
that's okay.

Animals!

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access. Wgbh. Org

HANK:
Hey, that's Todd.