King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 6, Episode 21 - Returning Japanese - full transcript
Cotton returns to Japan to learn that he has an illegitimate son.
I've always enjoyed
your musings column, Peggy.
I'm sorry our readers
prefer more ad space.
So what's this new angle
on a travel feature you want to pitch me?
Okay. Like many of us,
I am sure you are sick to death...
of reading travel pieces
written by professional travel writers.
Now, just suppose
an average Texas family, mom, dad, son...
were sent on a dream vacation to, say,
a five-star Hawaiian luxury hotel.
Seeing the beach, the buffets,
the golf courses...
but from their point of view.
You couldn't possibly have thought
you were the first to try this, could you?
So, apparently, us enjoying ourselves
in Hawaii is not enough of an angle.
But I do think I can get a ticket
to Jamaica...
to explore the world of Rastafarian gangs.
I already picked the country for
our summer vacation, Peggy: America.
And the state: Texas.
And the town: Denton.
I don't care what their police did
to that cyclist. It's still a good town.
Great. Denton. Gateway to Durndle.
Ah, Memorial Day.
A day when our war heroes are honored...
by even the most liberal of media.
Cheers, Colonel.
(aiiouicer oi TV) Now,
more thai 50 years after VJ Day,,,
the mei of the greatest geieratioi
have a iew missioi,
But iistead ofbayoiets aid bullets,,,
they are wieldiig
reflectioi aid forgiveiess,,,
as they returi
to the battlefields of their youth,,,
coifroitiig the hauitiig memories
they've tried to lea ve behiid,
Perhaps the Colonel
will delight us with a war story?
Personally, I'm in the mood
for an eye-gouging.
No! I don't want to talk no more
about the 50 men I killed.
[Cotton grunting]
Well, that's weird.
My dad loves telling his war stories.
Usually we're pulling him off whatever
sorry sap he's got playing Admiral Tojo.
That's how I ripped
the other pair of pants I used to have.
Hank, I'm worried. Cotton's been acting
very stressed all week.
Maybe you could take him out
for some guy time.
Nothing gay, though.
I don't know.
He'll want to go to a strip club.
And he always tips the girls
to put their whatnots on my head.
Hank, please. Something's troubling him.
He needs his son's help.
My dad needs my help?
How about a fun day at Six Flags?
We can ride the roller coasters...
and give them the finger
when they take our picture.
You know my dad's too short
for roller coasters.
He only comes up to here.
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
John Redcorn set up a New Age
healing center out by the highway.
I bet he's got a sauna.
We could all go for a steam.
Yeah. Maybe my dad will let his
guard down and say what's bothering him.
And I could stand to sweat off
a few pounds here and here.
What are you talking about, Bill?
You look great.
They gots any geishas in this crap hut?
Yeah. Hi, John Redcorn.
We're looking for something
to relax my dad.
Maybe we can use your steam room?
It's not a steam room, it's a sweat lodge.
It's one of the most intense
spiritual experiences known to my people.
Are you talking about that thing
by the port-a-john...
that looks like a compost heap
with garbage bags on it?
$20 each.
We bring seven hot stones
into the center of the lodge.
The heat will cause the body and mind
to release their toxins.
I must warn you.
Things can get a little trippy.
For $20 I could have just sat
in the truck with the windows rolled up.
Well, that's the last of it.
[mumbling]
[screaming]
Dale, I know how I'm going to die.
Dale? Dale?
Was it good for you, too, baby?
I wonder what that means.
Yeah, a sweat lodge was a wonderful idea.
I waited your whole life
to tell you this, boy.
You're a good son.
And I'm switching to propane.
Thank you, Dad.
[sighing]
Huh?
[Cotton exclaims]
(Cotton) Hey, I know you. I killed you.
I bazookaed you.
You! Got your teeth at home in a jar.
You I just shot through the heart.
And you....
[Cotton exclaiming]
[screaming]
[panting]
Dad, are you okay?
Get your pruney hands off of me, boy.
I'm fine.
And next time you want to show me
a good time, stay the hell away!
Grandpa, I heard you had a rocky day...
so I brought you a pint of Rocky Road.
Nothing!
Who's that?
A lady you saved during the war?
-She's pretty.
-I didn't save her. I killed her husband.
Whoa!
He was a Tojo.
Took his wallet off the body. Spoils of war.
You sure you don't need some ice cream?
I don't know whats I need anymore, boy!
I'm feeling bad for all the things
I done to the Japanese!
You mean like stealing from dead people?
Oh! You can't imagine. You're just a boy.
I've got to gets back over to Japan
and apologize.
But how am I gonna get there?
I gots no shins.
All my money goes
to the baby's mouth mush...
and your step-granny's booby payments.
And you can tell The Bystaider
it's called...
""The Widow in the Wallet""!
Where once the soldier killed,
he now makes peace.
How about it, Mom?
Wow. There is really no story in that at all.
Oh.
[sighing]
I sat next to that man in a sweat lodge...
wearing nothing but a towel,
boxer shorts and a bathing suit.
And then he goes
and spills his guts to Bobby?
Well, this is not about Bobby.
This is about a man...
who for 50 years
denied any human emotion...
so he could hide
from his haunting memories of war...
ruining his relationship with his son...
until fate gives him one final chance
to fight....
No, it's still not an interesting story.
(Peggy) I thought of this one in the tub.
""Canada: Not Just America's Hat.""
I'm sorry, Peggy.
How about this one?
""l See London, I See France.""
Nice try.
[sighing]
Wait. I do have one last idea.
I call it ""Widow in the Wallet.""
[whooping]
I am going to Japan!
The Bystaider
got the Japanese Tourism Bureau...
to give me two first-class tickets.
But I traded them in for four coach seats.
I could have gotten five.
But what are we gonna do? Take Luanne?
I can't believe I'm finally going to Japan!
I guess I never really wanted to go there.
But I still can't believe it!
I don't know. Taking my dad to Japan?
It's a 20-hour flight.
And we'd have to get passports.
And what if he falls into his old habits
of, you know, killing them?
Believe me, I'd rather go to Denton
to fix his problem.
But there's no Japanese there.
I checked the phone book.
I have no formal opinion on the Japanese.
I know that must disappoint you.
Would you fellows mind
taking in my newspaper while I'm gone?
If you let them stack up,
it's just like telling the burglars...
""Please rob me since I make
enough money to subscribe to a paper.""
May I suggest that we put
10 miles on your truck per day...
in case the criminals
check your odometer?
No.
(Bobby) Hope these get through security.
Okay. I'm packing forks for the family.
If anyone loses their fork,
we may not be able to replace it.
So be extra careful.
Will my pork pockets
work in their microwaves?
No. They will not.
It's a different frequency.
Ladybird, Aunt Luanne is here!
We're gonna have a sleepover
at my house, girlfriend.
Now, listen up.
I'm only gonna read this once.
""Hi. My name is Ladybird.
""l like long walks,
my arthritis medication...
""and two cups of kibble a day.
""I'll try to outsmart you
and get three cups.
""But I know you're too clever for that,
Miss Platter.""
I don't know, Uncle Hank.
She did write this letter and everything.
Trip's off!
(Peggy) All right. One last thing, people.
If anyone gets lost in Japan,
we will meet back here.
[exclaims]
She's a Japanese!
Dad! They're called Asians now.
What? What if she knows what I done?
When they get angry, they can fly at you!
I saw that Crouchiig Tiger program.
[womai chatteriig oi PA system]
[grunting]
Sir, you are in an exit row.
Will you be able to assist other passengers
in case of an emergency?
Absolutely.
Is your son under 13?
He has to be 13 or older
to sit in an emergency row.
He is 13.
To be honest, he's a great kid.
But in an emergency, I don't know.
-Dad!
-I'm sorry, Bobby.
What can I say? He's right.
-Yup.
-Yep.
Mmm-hmm.
Oh, my God!
[grunts]
Burgle averted! But for how long?
We should turn on the lights
to give it that lived-in look.
-It's locked.
-Oh.
[birds chirping]
Also locked.
This place is just begging to be robbed.
-Give me your shirt.
-Okay.
Have you been working out?
It has been 50 years
since World War ll ended.
But one American Gl
faces the battle of his life.
Finding the widow of the soldier
he slaughtered then pickpocketed.
This is his story.
And he doesn't want to talk about it.
The end.
All right, look, I would like
to polish off this article before we land...
so I can enjoy my vacation.
Now, you've killed Germans,
you've killed Japanese.
-Which do you prefer?
-I ain't answering no more questions!
[grunting]
Sir, I love beer, too. But we're on duty.
You're out of here.
Hank, your father is acting like a maniac.
He's just sitting there
with his mouth shut!
Okay. I'll go sit with him.
You keep an eye on Hugh Hefner here.
[male aiiouicer speakiig Japaiese]
(male aiiouicer) For your
ii-flight eitertaiimeit,,,
we preseit
Japaiese laiguage movie, Haiko.
A comedy about a bus driver
who is frequeitly late,
Followed by
our Eiglish-laiguage selectioi,,,
Americai blockbuster, Pearl Harbor...
Starriig Bei Affleck aid Kate Beckiisale,
War is iot forever, love is,
[gasping]
[Cotton grunting]
When did it get so dang hot?
Gotberk! I can't breathe.
Move your seat up! Ain't gots no room!
Dad?
[Cotton screaming]
We're surrounded!
Sir, if you don't calm down right now...
we're going to have to
land the plane in Hawaii.
I'm required to issue only one warning
before I taser you.
It's okay. He's having a war flashback.
Help me get him someplace safe
until he calms down.
Snack time, Ladybird!
Sorry your hardboiled egg is an hour late.
But you're so old,
you probably forgot, too.
[giggling]
Ladybird? Ladybird?
Oh, my god! What have I done?
She's dead!
[Luanne whimpering]
[sniffing]
(male flight atteidait) We hope you eijoy
your stay here ii Tokyo,
The local time is 7:33,
Be careful.
He may have shifted during flight.
Are we in Hawaii?
No. We drugged you, Dad. We're in Japan.
(Hank) Look, I know coming back here...
must stir up
all kinds of feelings and whatnot.
But the war was a long time ago.
I'm sure it's not
on anyone's mind anymore.
Colonel Hill! Colonel Hill!
I am Kenji Tanemura
from Kyoto News Service.
Tourism Board told us
all about your big heartfelt apology...
to aged Japanese widow.
They told you? No! No!
Yes. We go with you to meet her.
You apologize. She will cry.
We will edit it for broadcast purposes.
That is the process.
No, you can't come! It's private! Fall back!
There is nothing to worry about!
He is just fighting his urge to kill you!
Dad?
You work at a gas station.
Fuel this thing up
and fly me back to Texas!
Dang it, Dad!
There's no place I'd rather be.
But we came here
so you could make your peace...
with the widow in the wallet.
Not with all them cameras out there.
I needs to say my sorrys in private.
How am I gonna get past the Japarazzi?
Hank, you gots to help me.
I don't want that poor widow to thinks...
I came over here
just to become a Japanese TV star.
Yeah, so my dad's still on the plane.
He had to use the lavatory
and said he might be a while.
-You know, he's old.
-Oh.
My father also struggles
with the shame of incontinence.
Well, good luck with that.
[calling in Japanese]
Hank, I don't remember
leaving a duffel bag on the plane...
or even owning a duffel bag.
(Cotton) Hank, can't you keep
that other bag of yours shut, too?
Good God!
That is the biggest Hello Kitty Store
I've ever seen!
Look at this architecture.
You can really see
the Japanese influences.
[beeps]
(Peggy) Now, Hank!
And now, Hank!
All right. I'll do the handle,
you do the card. Ready? Now!
Oh, my.
Good Lord! They build
transistor radios bigger than this.
Where are we supposed to sleep?
Pull-out sofa? Yes! I called it!
Hank, you can share the bed with me
as is the local custom.
And, Bobby, you can sit at that desk
and sleep like you do at school.
Job well done.
Yeah. But now you can see
how empty the house is.
I have an idea.
Can you zip me up, Hank?
Okay, pound dog, your job...
is to pretend to be
just like that dog over there.
But just not so dead.
[gasping]
Oh, my God! It's a miracle!
Wait! You're getting each other mixed up.
Dad, I'm here to offer you my services
in finding that woman.
I can at least
see over some fences you can't.
Nah, I'm saving it for tomorrow.
Gotta get a good night's sleep...
in case apologizing
is harder than I think it'll be.
You know, I'm really proud of you.
It takes a war hero to kill 50 men,
but it takes a gentleman to apologize.
And I couldn't have done it without you.
Getting me on the plane,
putting me in that bag...
getting me off that plane,
buying me them mints.
Well, thanks, Dad.
I've been wanting to do this
for a long time.
[knocking on door]
(valet) Mr. Hill, valet.
Here is the roses. My apologies.
I was unable to find brand of cologne.
Here is a map for the address
you requested. And pants.
(valet) The cologne has displeased you.
Dad, what's going on here?
I pooped myself. Yeah.
That explains the cologne
and the new pants.
Well, what about the flowers
and the map?
What the.... You dyed your hair?
It's shoe polish to make me look younger.
Good lord!
This wallet woman isn't some mystery.
-You slept with her, didn't you?
-A lot!
-Did you even kill her husband?
-Wasn't married.
God dang it!
She's no widow and you're no gentleman!
You're a dirty old man.
And to think I almost shook your hand.
He drags us halfway around the world
so he can go on a wild scooch hunt?
This is terrible!
This is not the story I sold
to the Arlei Bystaider,,,
and already wrote on the plane!
But this story's even better.
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
Cripple returns to Japan filled with regret.
Not for the 50 he killed,
but for the one he loved.
Yes! I would not be surprised
if they turned this article into a movie!
Hollywood's not gonna want
to make a picture about an adulterer.
Hank, no one cheats
on his 40-year-old wife...
with an 80-year-old ex-girlfriend.
[knocking on door]
(Cotton) Hank?
Tell that lying bastard I'm not here.
I'm gonna go to the sink
and take a shower.
I needs a picture of Hank and Bobby
to bring to Michiko.
Show her what I've done with my life.
I have lots of pictures of me.
Oh, here's one of Hank and Bobby and me.
This'll do. And I thank you.
Nobody brings photos of their son
on a booty quest.
And I called him a dirty old man.
I owe him an apology.
Peggy, can you turn your feet sideways?
I can't open the door.
(Hank) This is it.
The squiggles on the address
the concierge gave us...
match the squiggles on the sign.
[grunting]
You can do it, Dad.
What if she doesn't remember me?
It's been 50 years.
I think it'd take longer than that
to forget you.
Thanks for coming, Hank.
You're a good son.
Okay. Here goes.
[all gasping]
[both exclaiming]
It's a boy! Look at him! Tall as Mount Fuji!
With Michiko's sweet face!
What's your name, boy?
You speak English?
My name is Junichiro.
Jeddy? Jenny? Jenicho? Juniper?
-Junichiro!
-Ah! So nice to meet you, Junchello!
I'm your pappy.
Oh, what the hell!
[Junichiro groans]
My mother has told me about you.
Unfortunately, she is not here.
She is viewing cherry blossoms in Nagoya.
She will return tomorrow.
Then tomorrow it is. Dinner's on me.
There's a swanky restaurant in our hotel.
$60 for a burger.
But what the heck!
For all I know, it's your birthday.
(Hank) How could you not know
you had another son?
How many women have you slept with?
Five, six?
Two hundred and seventy-three.
But this ain't about sex. No, sir.
It's about love, and sex.
(Cottoi) Yeah, I speit the year after
the war ii the US Army Hospital ii Tokyo,
Geieral MacArthur's persoial sawboies
had re-attached my feets to my kiees,,,
aid prescribed eiough aitibiotics
to cure the Freich Army's clap,
Every day a Japaiese aigel
would draii my shiis ofpus,,,
aid fill my heart with love, It was magical,
Thei excruciatiig,
which made it all the more magical,
I was uider strict orders iot to
frateriize with the coiquered womei,
So, we hid our love,
Duriig wartime,
you doi 't thiik about the future,
But it comes aiyway,
I was beiig shipped out,
I did what I could to stay,
But it wasi 't eiough,
No, no!
I left more than my shins in Japan.
I left a little piece of my heart.
And some seed, I guess,
that grew into Junchero!
A brother. Wow!
-I have a brother.
-A Japanese half-brother.
That is some freaky stuff.
The Hill brothers.
""Watch out for those Hill brothers.""
""Did you see what those
Hill brothers were up to the other day?""
Just be prepared for when your new
half-brother decides he's in love with me.
I must be quite a sight to him
with my exotic unbound feet.
Well, I'm too excited to sleep.
[car horns blaring]
[whooping]
Texas in the hizouse!
[speaking Japanese]
Hello, Luanne? Yeah.
Okay, this call is costing
over $10 a minute.
So, put Ladybird on the line.
Ladybird. Come here, girl.
Ladybird, it's Daddy. Listen to this.
I have a big brother.
Isn't that exciting?
I wish you were here to meet him.
Oh, I miss you so much.
(Haik) I got to go, I love you,
Does this bow tie
make me look like a puppet?
Love doesn't care
what you look like, Grandpa.
Or if you can even speak
the same language.
You meet someone?
Well, good for you.
Try to get a foot massage.
They got a knack.
-Hello, Michiko.
-Hello, Cotton.
I am glad to see your feet
did not fall off as predicted.
How is everything else?
Well, it's been a crazy 50 years.
After I got back to America,
I had a nice juicy porterhouse...
cooked medium-rare,
just the way I likes it.
(Cotton) Then I knocked around a bit.
Eventually, I got tired of working
for jackasses and decided...
to make an honest living installing
asbestos into schools and hospitals.
Got married twice. One ugly, one hot.
And had two sons.
Hank, and my baby, Good Hank.
Tell me, Ko-Ko,
how have the years treated you?
Thank you for asking.
I worked as a washerwoman
to support my son...
your son Junichiro.
[clicking tongue]
After war, I ate rice hulls.
And for 10 years I raised
a child out of wedlock alone.
This arrangement afforded me
many opportunities for difficulty.
Then I found a man
who would marry such a woman.
My Wataru.
So, I work
in propane and propane accessories.
You may have seen it used
in some of our movies.
What kind of work do you do?
-Robots.
-Robots, huh?
Robots.
This is very beautiful.
But as you say in Hollywood,
we have a capper.
Tomorrow you travel to Kyoto
to attend US-Japanese peace ceremony...
hosted by emperor of Japan.
Gotberk! What an honor!
To come back
and find family waiting for me, too.
I don't usually cry unless
someone's pulling out my fingernails...
Iike you fine folks did so many years ago.
I came here to apologize to Michiko.
But discovered I wronged two people.
I'd give what's left of my legs
to hear you both say you forgive me.
I am sorry. What you did is unforgivable.
To come here after 50 years...
and think you can buy me hamburger
and be my father!
No, I humbly wish
my mother had never met you.
Whoo-wee, Junty-Joe.
You've got a bit of the Hill temper in you.
My name is not Junty-Joe!
It is Junichiro. You are not my father!
I am not a Hill! It is a shameful name.
I formally renounce
the Hill blood that is in me.
You take that back, boy,
or I'll take back my apology!
I will not take it back!
I come here to make peace
and you kamikaze me?
That's it! I re-declare war on Japan!
Wait, Dad. No!
I'm sorry. He's probably not used to
drinking so much tea.
With all respect and honor...
I would not be saddened
if both you and your father went to hell.
Junichiro, our dad's missing!
He never came back last night!
My dad not missing.
Wataru is fishing for mackerel
as he does every morning.
Please, you've got to help me.
He's on a rampage.
He already desecrated a koi pond
and turned over a noodle cart.
And that was before he even left the hotel.
I cannot leave in the middle of the day.
I am assistant manager.
One of only 30.
Dang it! He's gone berserk.
And when he winds up on the news...
everybody's gonna find out he's your dad.
And that's gonna bring you great shame,
I tell you what!
Gotberk! The whole lousy country's
made of paper and balsa wood.
Gotta find me a book of matches!
[laughing]
Okay, big day. Big day.
We're gonna see everything
Tokyo has to offer.
The tofu museum, Chinatown.
[yawning]
Unless you want to rig up some kind of
tummy pack to haul me around...
I'm heading back to the room for a nap.
Okay. Be sure to fill the ice bucket
so we'll have water in the morning.
[speaking Japanese]
Yay!
[music playiig]
Hey, friend. A little help?
Hey, there, in the yellow shirt.
Excuse me, Doctor.
What the....
What is wrong with these people?
Why won't they talk to me?
What do you expect
running around like crazy cowboy?
This is not Texas. Shoot off guns,
pow-pow-pow, Rambo, John Wayne.
In Japan, you do not raise voice...
and speak to people
without proper introduction.
[speaking Japanese]
[scatting]
Well, hey. What's the head magoo saying?
Emperor in Kyoto
to exchange apologies with Gl Joes.
I'd sooner spit in his face than apologize....
Don't mind if I do.
[hawking]
[gasping]
[speaking Japanese]
[scatting]
[Japaiese soig playiig]
[speaking Japanese]
I can't. I got to be in the room
before my mom gets back.
Okay. Four pictures.
We're gonna tell a story.
I'm an American boy-band star and--
Forget the story.
Let's just do four of those.
Dang it! I got to go.
Meet me here tonight at 6:30...
and we can pick up where we left off.
I can't!
Oh, you mean tonight. Yeah!
I could drink a beer that size
right about now.
So, how long you been in the robot game?
There was not a time
that I was not fascinated by robots.
Robots are clean, efficient, reliable.
That sounds like propane.
I wonder if they ever made a robot
that runs on propane.
No.
But they could.
Yep.
You know, you're a successful guy,
an assistant manager.
How come you never got married?
Ah, who would have me?
I cannot provide sons, or even daughters.
Do you have a narrow urethra?
I'm also limited in that way.
There's some stretches you can do...
to, you know, get things moving.
I'll send them to you in the mail.
[pager beeping]
Oh, it is one of the businessmen
I exchanged cards with.
See? Japanese politeness
is surprisingly effective.
He just saw shinless foreigner
at train station...
buy ticket and dishonor pay toilet.
We must go.
I'm gonna tell Uncle Hank I learned
how to clone at the junior college.
You two better back me up.
Ladybirds, your house is being robbed!
[speaking Japanese]
Has he seen him?
He says a question unrelated to tickets
should be answered by information host.
He is not information host.
[speaking Japanese]
What's he saying?
He say ask ticket vendor.
What the.... You already did that.
He sent you to the other guy.
Japan can sometimes
be tiresome in this way.
But you're only half Japanese.
Look, in America when the traditional way
isn't working, we improvise.
I'd suggest telling this gentleman
to give you the information...
or you'll kick his ass.
[speaking Japanese]
(Cotton) Stop it! Out of the way!
There he is!
Dang it, Junichiro, come on!
Dad, wait!
I can't, boy.
I gots a date in Kyoto with the emperor.
Oh, thank God!
You're just going to the peace ceremony.
Yep. I'm gonna hawk a loogie in the face
of this country's number one sumbitch.
What? Dad, no!
You will be proud of me.
I was abrupt with an elderly woman.
We're too late.
Our dad's on his way
to spit in the emperor's face.
[exclaiming]
Who will want to buy robots from a man
whose father spit on the emperor?
Don't worry.
The Hill brothers are on the case, right?
[agrees]
Can't this thing go any faster than....
Wow!
[police sirens wailing]
[screaming]
Open up! Police!
(Dale) This is Hank Hill, occupant.
And I cannot open the door...
as I am making love to my wife Peggy.
(Bill) We're doing it!
[screaming]
Oh, my God! Boomhauer!
Boomhauer, please!
Would you take in Hank's paper?
Yo.
Step aside. Don't make me waste
my lung butter on you!
Why don't you go on without me?
I saw a nice kimono in the gift-shop
window that'd be perfect for Joseph.
You're not going anywhere, mister.
Correction. You are going somewhere.
Everywhere with Peggy Hill's
tour-riffic Tokyo.
First stop, the Disney Store.
Everybody super happy
Everybody super happy
6:30 p,m,
[speaking Japanese]
[sighing]
Mr. Cotton Hill! Mr. Lead Story!
Just in time.
This badge admits you
to peace ceremony with emperor.
And if you start to cry,
try to look at red light.
There's gonna be plenty of waterworks.
[laughing]
Let me through. Emergency.
Come on, move aside.
[grunting]
I kick your ass!
Look at me!
Here come Ronald Reagan, Mike Tyson!
So, Colonel Mr. Cotton Hill...
how does it feel to be making peace
with sworn enemy?
God dang it! We're never gonna stop Dad.
[speaking Japanese]
What did you say?
I tell him you are Tom Brokaw.
[chuckling]
You crazy bastard.
Dad, no!
He's got security everywhere.
How many body parts
do you want to leave in this country?
Father, no!
What did you just call me?
I called you father.
There is no shame in being a Hill.
Hank taught me that.
And he also taught me there is no shame
in having a narrow urethra.
That was just between brothers.
Like Japan, I am no longer your enemy.
And like my little brother,
I am your son, I tell you what!
[gulping]
King Tojo,
even though you took my shins...
and I took 50 of your boys,
no hard feelings.
Now that we're all lovey-dovey,
I'd like you to meet my sons.
Hank and Junichiro.
[crowd applauding]
What better souvenir
than a Tokyo phone book?
Here, Bobby. Carry that.
I ain't one for sayonaras.
But I've been meaning to give you this.
Maybe you don't want it, l....
Thank you.
Now I have something
to remember you by.
This photo.
Oh, and our son.
-So, I'm forgiven?
-Yes.
Good-bye, Cotton.
Allow me to help, sister-in-law.
We would have invited you in
for farewell tea.
But as you will read in my article...
these Japanese hotel rooms
are horribly cramped.
Surely you did not spend
entire vacation in sitting room?
Huh?
[gasping]
(Peggy) Oh, my Lord!
You're gonna miss your war scooch,
ain't you, boy?
I never even got to say good-bye.
What? Stop the cab! Stop the cab!
Dad, what are you doing?
You wouldn't understand, boy.
It's about love.
Bobby, you gots to say your good-byes.
'Cause Lord knows...
it's a grenade in the keister
to come back for them after 50 years!
Now go, boy!
Let's not spoil the moment
with a lot of talk.
Let's just dance!
(Bobby) Texas ii the hizouse!
your musings column, Peggy.
I'm sorry our readers
prefer more ad space.
So what's this new angle
on a travel feature you want to pitch me?
Okay. Like many of us,
I am sure you are sick to death...
of reading travel pieces
written by professional travel writers.
Now, just suppose
an average Texas family, mom, dad, son...
were sent on a dream vacation to, say,
a five-star Hawaiian luxury hotel.
Seeing the beach, the buffets,
the golf courses...
but from their point of view.
You couldn't possibly have thought
you were the first to try this, could you?
So, apparently, us enjoying ourselves
in Hawaii is not enough of an angle.
But I do think I can get a ticket
to Jamaica...
to explore the world of Rastafarian gangs.
I already picked the country for
our summer vacation, Peggy: America.
And the state: Texas.
And the town: Denton.
I don't care what their police did
to that cyclist. It's still a good town.
Great. Denton. Gateway to Durndle.
Ah, Memorial Day.
A day when our war heroes are honored...
by even the most liberal of media.
Cheers, Colonel.
(aiiouicer oi TV) Now,
more thai 50 years after VJ Day,,,
the mei of the greatest geieratioi
have a iew missioi,
But iistead ofbayoiets aid bullets,,,
they are wieldiig
reflectioi aid forgiveiess,,,
as they returi
to the battlefields of their youth,,,
coifroitiig the hauitiig memories
they've tried to lea ve behiid,
Perhaps the Colonel
will delight us with a war story?
Personally, I'm in the mood
for an eye-gouging.
No! I don't want to talk no more
about the 50 men I killed.
[Cotton grunting]
Well, that's weird.
My dad loves telling his war stories.
Usually we're pulling him off whatever
sorry sap he's got playing Admiral Tojo.
That's how I ripped
the other pair of pants I used to have.
Hank, I'm worried. Cotton's been acting
very stressed all week.
Maybe you could take him out
for some guy time.
Nothing gay, though.
I don't know.
He'll want to go to a strip club.
And he always tips the girls
to put their whatnots on my head.
Hank, please. Something's troubling him.
He needs his son's help.
My dad needs my help?
How about a fun day at Six Flags?
We can ride the roller coasters...
and give them the finger
when they take our picture.
You know my dad's too short
for roller coasters.
He only comes up to here.
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
John Redcorn set up a New Age
healing center out by the highway.
I bet he's got a sauna.
We could all go for a steam.
Yeah. Maybe my dad will let his
guard down and say what's bothering him.
And I could stand to sweat off
a few pounds here and here.
What are you talking about, Bill?
You look great.
They gots any geishas in this crap hut?
Yeah. Hi, John Redcorn.
We're looking for something
to relax my dad.
Maybe we can use your steam room?
It's not a steam room, it's a sweat lodge.
It's one of the most intense
spiritual experiences known to my people.
Are you talking about that thing
by the port-a-john...
that looks like a compost heap
with garbage bags on it?
$20 each.
We bring seven hot stones
into the center of the lodge.
The heat will cause the body and mind
to release their toxins.
I must warn you.
Things can get a little trippy.
For $20 I could have just sat
in the truck with the windows rolled up.
Well, that's the last of it.
[mumbling]
[screaming]
Dale, I know how I'm going to die.
Dale? Dale?
Was it good for you, too, baby?
I wonder what that means.
Yeah, a sweat lodge was a wonderful idea.
I waited your whole life
to tell you this, boy.
You're a good son.
And I'm switching to propane.
Thank you, Dad.
[sighing]
Huh?
[Cotton exclaims]
(Cotton) Hey, I know you. I killed you.
I bazookaed you.
You! Got your teeth at home in a jar.
You I just shot through the heart.
And you....
[Cotton exclaiming]
[screaming]
[panting]
Dad, are you okay?
Get your pruney hands off of me, boy.
I'm fine.
And next time you want to show me
a good time, stay the hell away!
Grandpa, I heard you had a rocky day...
so I brought you a pint of Rocky Road.
Nothing!
Who's that?
A lady you saved during the war?
-She's pretty.
-I didn't save her. I killed her husband.
Whoa!
He was a Tojo.
Took his wallet off the body. Spoils of war.
You sure you don't need some ice cream?
I don't know whats I need anymore, boy!
I'm feeling bad for all the things
I done to the Japanese!
You mean like stealing from dead people?
Oh! You can't imagine. You're just a boy.
I've got to gets back over to Japan
and apologize.
But how am I gonna get there?
I gots no shins.
All my money goes
to the baby's mouth mush...
and your step-granny's booby payments.
And you can tell The Bystaider
it's called...
""The Widow in the Wallet""!
Where once the soldier killed,
he now makes peace.
How about it, Mom?
Wow. There is really no story in that at all.
Oh.
[sighing]
I sat next to that man in a sweat lodge...
wearing nothing but a towel,
boxer shorts and a bathing suit.
And then he goes
and spills his guts to Bobby?
Well, this is not about Bobby.
This is about a man...
who for 50 years
denied any human emotion...
so he could hide
from his haunting memories of war...
ruining his relationship with his son...
until fate gives him one final chance
to fight....
No, it's still not an interesting story.
(Peggy) I thought of this one in the tub.
""Canada: Not Just America's Hat.""
I'm sorry, Peggy.
How about this one?
""l See London, I See France.""
Nice try.
[sighing]
Wait. I do have one last idea.
I call it ""Widow in the Wallet.""
[whooping]
I am going to Japan!
The Bystaider
got the Japanese Tourism Bureau...
to give me two first-class tickets.
But I traded them in for four coach seats.
I could have gotten five.
But what are we gonna do? Take Luanne?
I can't believe I'm finally going to Japan!
I guess I never really wanted to go there.
But I still can't believe it!
I don't know. Taking my dad to Japan?
It's a 20-hour flight.
And we'd have to get passports.
And what if he falls into his old habits
of, you know, killing them?
Believe me, I'd rather go to Denton
to fix his problem.
But there's no Japanese there.
I checked the phone book.
I have no formal opinion on the Japanese.
I know that must disappoint you.
Would you fellows mind
taking in my newspaper while I'm gone?
If you let them stack up,
it's just like telling the burglars...
""Please rob me since I make
enough money to subscribe to a paper.""
May I suggest that we put
10 miles on your truck per day...
in case the criminals
check your odometer?
No.
(Bobby) Hope these get through security.
Okay. I'm packing forks for the family.
If anyone loses their fork,
we may not be able to replace it.
So be extra careful.
Will my pork pockets
work in their microwaves?
No. They will not.
It's a different frequency.
Ladybird, Aunt Luanne is here!
We're gonna have a sleepover
at my house, girlfriend.
Now, listen up.
I'm only gonna read this once.
""Hi. My name is Ladybird.
""l like long walks,
my arthritis medication...
""and two cups of kibble a day.
""I'll try to outsmart you
and get three cups.
""But I know you're too clever for that,
Miss Platter.""
I don't know, Uncle Hank.
She did write this letter and everything.
Trip's off!
(Peggy) All right. One last thing, people.
If anyone gets lost in Japan,
we will meet back here.
[exclaims]
She's a Japanese!
Dad! They're called Asians now.
What? What if she knows what I done?
When they get angry, they can fly at you!
I saw that Crouchiig Tiger program.
[womai chatteriig oi PA system]
[grunting]
Sir, you are in an exit row.
Will you be able to assist other passengers
in case of an emergency?
Absolutely.
Is your son under 13?
He has to be 13 or older
to sit in an emergency row.
He is 13.
To be honest, he's a great kid.
But in an emergency, I don't know.
-Dad!
-I'm sorry, Bobby.
What can I say? He's right.
-Yup.
-Yep.
Mmm-hmm.
Oh, my God!
[grunts]
Burgle averted! But for how long?
We should turn on the lights
to give it that lived-in look.
-It's locked.
-Oh.
[birds chirping]
Also locked.
This place is just begging to be robbed.
-Give me your shirt.
-Okay.
Have you been working out?
It has been 50 years
since World War ll ended.
But one American Gl
faces the battle of his life.
Finding the widow of the soldier
he slaughtered then pickpocketed.
This is his story.
And he doesn't want to talk about it.
The end.
All right, look, I would like
to polish off this article before we land...
so I can enjoy my vacation.
Now, you've killed Germans,
you've killed Japanese.
-Which do you prefer?
-I ain't answering no more questions!
[grunting]
Sir, I love beer, too. But we're on duty.
You're out of here.
Hank, your father is acting like a maniac.
He's just sitting there
with his mouth shut!
Okay. I'll go sit with him.
You keep an eye on Hugh Hefner here.
[male aiiouicer speakiig Japaiese]
(male aiiouicer) For your
ii-flight eitertaiimeit,,,
we preseit
Japaiese laiguage movie, Haiko.
A comedy about a bus driver
who is frequeitly late,
Followed by
our Eiglish-laiguage selectioi,,,
Americai blockbuster, Pearl Harbor...
Starriig Bei Affleck aid Kate Beckiisale,
War is iot forever, love is,
[gasping]
[Cotton grunting]
When did it get so dang hot?
Gotberk! I can't breathe.
Move your seat up! Ain't gots no room!
Dad?
[Cotton screaming]
We're surrounded!
Sir, if you don't calm down right now...
we're going to have to
land the plane in Hawaii.
I'm required to issue only one warning
before I taser you.
It's okay. He's having a war flashback.
Help me get him someplace safe
until he calms down.
Snack time, Ladybird!
Sorry your hardboiled egg is an hour late.
But you're so old,
you probably forgot, too.
[giggling]
Ladybird? Ladybird?
Oh, my god! What have I done?
She's dead!
[Luanne whimpering]
[sniffing]
(male flight atteidait) We hope you eijoy
your stay here ii Tokyo,
The local time is 7:33,
Be careful.
He may have shifted during flight.
Are we in Hawaii?
No. We drugged you, Dad. We're in Japan.
(Hank) Look, I know coming back here...
must stir up
all kinds of feelings and whatnot.
But the war was a long time ago.
I'm sure it's not
on anyone's mind anymore.
Colonel Hill! Colonel Hill!
I am Kenji Tanemura
from Kyoto News Service.
Tourism Board told us
all about your big heartfelt apology...
to aged Japanese widow.
They told you? No! No!
Yes. We go with you to meet her.
You apologize. She will cry.
We will edit it for broadcast purposes.
That is the process.
No, you can't come! It's private! Fall back!
There is nothing to worry about!
He is just fighting his urge to kill you!
Dad?
You work at a gas station.
Fuel this thing up
and fly me back to Texas!
Dang it, Dad!
There's no place I'd rather be.
But we came here
so you could make your peace...
with the widow in the wallet.
Not with all them cameras out there.
I needs to say my sorrys in private.
How am I gonna get past the Japarazzi?
Hank, you gots to help me.
I don't want that poor widow to thinks...
I came over here
just to become a Japanese TV star.
Yeah, so my dad's still on the plane.
He had to use the lavatory
and said he might be a while.
-You know, he's old.
-Oh.
My father also struggles
with the shame of incontinence.
Well, good luck with that.
[calling in Japanese]
Hank, I don't remember
leaving a duffel bag on the plane...
or even owning a duffel bag.
(Cotton) Hank, can't you keep
that other bag of yours shut, too?
Good God!
That is the biggest Hello Kitty Store
I've ever seen!
Look at this architecture.
You can really see
the Japanese influences.
[beeps]
(Peggy) Now, Hank!
And now, Hank!
All right. I'll do the handle,
you do the card. Ready? Now!
Oh, my.
Good Lord! They build
transistor radios bigger than this.
Where are we supposed to sleep?
Pull-out sofa? Yes! I called it!
Hank, you can share the bed with me
as is the local custom.
And, Bobby, you can sit at that desk
and sleep like you do at school.
Job well done.
Yeah. But now you can see
how empty the house is.
I have an idea.
Can you zip me up, Hank?
Okay, pound dog, your job...
is to pretend to be
just like that dog over there.
But just not so dead.
[gasping]
Oh, my God! It's a miracle!
Wait! You're getting each other mixed up.
Dad, I'm here to offer you my services
in finding that woman.
I can at least
see over some fences you can't.
Nah, I'm saving it for tomorrow.
Gotta get a good night's sleep...
in case apologizing
is harder than I think it'll be.
You know, I'm really proud of you.
It takes a war hero to kill 50 men,
but it takes a gentleman to apologize.
And I couldn't have done it without you.
Getting me on the plane,
putting me in that bag...
getting me off that plane,
buying me them mints.
Well, thanks, Dad.
I've been wanting to do this
for a long time.
[knocking on door]
(valet) Mr. Hill, valet.
Here is the roses. My apologies.
I was unable to find brand of cologne.
Here is a map for the address
you requested. And pants.
(valet) The cologne has displeased you.
Dad, what's going on here?
I pooped myself. Yeah.
That explains the cologne
and the new pants.
Well, what about the flowers
and the map?
What the.... You dyed your hair?
It's shoe polish to make me look younger.
Good lord!
This wallet woman isn't some mystery.
-You slept with her, didn't you?
-A lot!
-Did you even kill her husband?
-Wasn't married.
God dang it!
She's no widow and you're no gentleman!
You're a dirty old man.
And to think I almost shook your hand.
He drags us halfway around the world
so he can go on a wild scooch hunt?
This is terrible!
This is not the story I sold
to the Arlei Bystaider,,,
and already wrote on the plane!
But this story's even better.
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
Cripple returns to Japan filled with regret.
Not for the 50 he killed,
but for the one he loved.
Yes! I would not be surprised
if they turned this article into a movie!
Hollywood's not gonna want
to make a picture about an adulterer.
Hank, no one cheats
on his 40-year-old wife...
with an 80-year-old ex-girlfriend.
[knocking on door]
(Cotton) Hank?
Tell that lying bastard I'm not here.
I'm gonna go to the sink
and take a shower.
I needs a picture of Hank and Bobby
to bring to Michiko.
Show her what I've done with my life.
I have lots of pictures of me.
Oh, here's one of Hank and Bobby and me.
This'll do. And I thank you.
Nobody brings photos of their son
on a booty quest.
And I called him a dirty old man.
I owe him an apology.
Peggy, can you turn your feet sideways?
I can't open the door.
(Hank) This is it.
The squiggles on the address
the concierge gave us...
match the squiggles on the sign.
[grunting]
You can do it, Dad.
What if she doesn't remember me?
It's been 50 years.
I think it'd take longer than that
to forget you.
Thanks for coming, Hank.
You're a good son.
Okay. Here goes.
[all gasping]
[both exclaiming]
It's a boy! Look at him! Tall as Mount Fuji!
With Michiko's sweet face!
What's your name, boy?
You speak English?
My name is Junichiro.
Jeddy? Jenny? Jenicho? Juniper?
-Junichiro!
-Ah! So nice to meet you, Junchello!
I'm your pappy.
Oh, what the hell!
[Junichiro groans]
My mother has told me about you.
Unfortunately, she is not here.
She is viewing cherry blossoms in Nagoya.
She will return tomorrow.
Then tomorrow it is. Dinner's on me.
There's a swanky restaurant in our hotel.
$60 for a burger.
But what the heck!
For all I know, it's your birthday.
(Hank) How could you not know
you had another son?
How many women have you slept with?
Five, six?
Two hundred and seventy-three.
But this ain't about sex. No, sir.
It's about love, and sex.
(Cottoi) Yeah, I speit the year after
the war ii the US Army Hospital ii Tokyo,
Geieral MacArthur's persoial sawboies
had re-attached my feets to my kiees,,,
aid prescribed eiough aitibiotics
to cure the Freich Army's clap,
Every day a Japaiese aigel
would draii my shiis ofpus,,,
aid fill my heart with love, It was magical,
Thei excruciatiig,
which made it all the more magical,
I was uider strict orders iot to
frateriize with the coiquered womei,
So, we hid our love,
Duriig wartime,
you doi 't thiik about the future,
But it comes aiyway,
I was beiig shipped out,
I did what I could to stay,
But it wasi 't eiough,
No, no!
I left more than my shins in Japan.
I left a little piece of my heart.
And some seed, I guess,
that grew into Junchero!
A brother. Wow!
-I have a brother.
-A Japanese half-brother.
That is some freaky stuff.
The Hill brothers.
""Watch out for those Hill brothers.""
""Did you see what those
Hill brothers were up to the other day?""
Just be prepared for when your new
half-brother decides he's in love with me.
I must be quite a sight to him
with my exotic unbound feet.
Well, I'm too excited to sleep.
[car horns blaring]
[whooping]
Texas in the hizouse!
[speaking Japanese]
Hello, Luanne? Yeah.
Okay, this call is costing
over $10 a minute.
So, put Ladybird on the line.
Ladybird. Come here, girl.
Ladybird, it's Daddy. Listen to this.
I have a big brother.
Isn't that exciting?
I wish you were here to meet him.
Oh, I miss you so much.
(Haik) I got to go, I love you,
Does this bow tie
make me look like a puppet?
Love doesn't care
what you look like, Grandpa.
Or if you can even speak
the same language.
You meet someone?
Well, good for you.
Try to get a foot massage.
They got a knack.
-Hello, Michiko.
-Hello, Cotton.
I am glad to see your feet
did not fall off as predicted.
How is everything else?
Well, it's been a crazy 50 years.
After I got back to America,
I had a nice juicy porterhouse...
cooked medium-rare,
just the way I likes it.
(Cotton) Then I knocked around a bit.
Eventually, I got tired of working
for jackasses and decided...
to make an honest living installing
asbestos into schools and hospitals.
Got married twice. One ugly, one hot.
And had two sons.
Hank, and my baby, Good Hank.
Tell me, Ko-Ko,
how have the years treated you?
Thank you for asking.
I worked as a washerwoman
to support my son...
your son Junichiro.
[clicking tongue]
After war, I ate rice hulls.
And for 10 years I raised
a child out of wedlock alone.
This arrangement afforded me
many opportunities for difficulty.
Then I found a man
who would marry such a woman.
My Wataru.
So, I work
in propane and propane accessories.
You may have seen it used
in some of our movies.
What kind of work do you do?
-Robots.
-Robots, huh?
Robots.
This is very beautiful.
But as you say in Hollywood,
we have a capper.
Tomorrow you travel to Kyoto
to attend US-Japanese peace ceremony...
hosted by emperor of Japan.
Gotberk! What an honor!
To come back
and find family waiting for me, too.
I don't usually cry unless
someone's pulling out my fingernails...
Iike you fine folks did so many years ago.
I came here to apologize to Michiko.
But discovered I wronged two people.
I'd give what's left of my legs
to hear you both say you forgive me.
I am sorry. What you did is unforgivable.
To come here after 50 years...
and think you can buy me hamburger
and be my father!
No, I humbly wish
my mother had never met you.
Whoo-wee, Junty-Joe.
You've got a bit of the Hill temper in you.
My name is not Junty-Joe!
It is Junichiro. You are not my father!
I am not a Hill! It is a shameful name.
I formally renounce
the Hill blood that is in me.
You take that back, boy,
or I'll take back my apology!
I will not take it back!
I come here to make peace
and you kamikaze me?
That's it! I re-declare war on Japan!
Wait, Dad. No!
I'm sorry. He's probably not used to
drinking so much tea.
With all respect and honor...
I would not be saddened
if both you and your father went to hell.
Junichiro, our dad's missing!
He never came back last night!
My dad not missing.
Wataru is fishing for mackerel
as he does every morning.
Please, you've got to help me.
He's on a rampage.
He already desecrated a koi pond
and turned over a noodle cart.
And that was before he even left the hotel.
I cannot leave in the middle of the day.
I am assistant manager.
One of only 30.
Dang it! He's gone berserk.
And when he winds up on the news...
everybody's gonna find out he's your dad.
And that's gonna bring you great shame,
I tell you what!
Gotberk! The whole lousy country's
made of paper and balsa wood.
Gotta find me a book of matches!
[laughing]
Okay, big day. Big day.
We're gonna see everything
Tokyo has to offer.
The tofu museum, Chinatown.
[yawning]
Unless you want to rig up some kind of
tummy pack to haul me around...
I'm heading back to the room for a nap.
Okay. Be sure to fill the ice bucket
so we'll have water in the morning.
[speaking Japanese]
Yay!
[music playiig]
Hey, friend. A little help?
Hey, there, in the yellow shirt.
Excuse me, Doctor.
What the....
What is wrong with these people?
Why won't they talk to me?
What do you expect
running around like crazy cowboy?
This is not Texas. Shoot off guns,
pow-pow-pow, Rambo, John Wayne.
In Japan, you do not raise voice...
and speak to people
without proper introduction.
[speaking Japanese]
[scatting]
Well, hey. What's the head magoo saying?
Emperor in Kyoto
to exchange apologies with Gl Joes.
I'd sooner spit in his face than apologize....
Don't mind if I do.
[hawking]
[gasping]
[speaking Japanese]
[scatting]
[Japaiese soig playiig]
[speaking Japanese]
I can't. I got to be in the room
before my mom gets back.
Okay. Four pictures.
We're gonna tell a story.
I'm an American boy-band star and--
Forget the story.
Let's just do four of those.
Dang it! I got to go.
Meet me here tonight at 6:30...
and we can pick up where we left off.
I can't!
Oh, you mean tonight. Yeah!
I could drink a beer that size
right about now.
So, how long you been in the robot game?
There was not a time
that I was not fascinated by robots.
Robots are clean, efficient, reliable.
That sounds like propane.
I wonder if they ever made a robot
that runs on propane.
No.
But they could.
Yep.
You know, you're a successful guy,
an assistant manager.
How come you never got married?
Ah, who would have me?
I cannot provide sons, or even daughters.
Do you have a narrow urethra?
I'm also limited in that way.
There's some stretches you can do...
to, you know, get things moving.
I'll send them to you in the mail.
[pager beeping]
Oh, it is one of the businessmen
I exchanged cards with.
See? Japanese politeness
is surprisingly effective.
He just saw shinless foreigner
at train station...
buy ticket and dishonor pay toilet.
We must go.
I'm gonna tell Uncle Hank I learned
how to clone at the junior college.
You two better back me up.
Ladybirds, your house is being robbed!
[speaking Japanese]
Has he seen him?
He says a question unrelated to tickets
should be answered by information host.
He is not information host.
[speaking Japanese]
What's he saying?
He say ask ticket vendor.
What the.... You already did that.
He sent you to the other guy.
Japan can sometimes
be tiresome in this way.
But you're only half Japanese.
Look, in America when the traditional way
isn't working, we improvise.
I'd suggest telling this gentleman
to give you the information...
or you'll kick his ass.
[speaking Japanese]
(Cotton) Stop it! Out of the way!
There he is!
Dang it, Junichiro, come on!
Dad, wait!
I can't, boy.
I gots a date in Kyoto with the emperor.
Oh, thank God!
You're just going to the peace ceremony.
Yep. I'm gonna hawk a loogie in the face
of this country's number one sumbitch.
What? Dad, no!
You will be proud of me.
I was abrupt with an elderly woman.
We're too late.
Our dad's on his way
to spit in the emperor's face.
[exclaiming]
Who will want to buy robots from a man
whose father spit on the emperor?
Don't worry.
The Hill brothers are on the case, right?
[agrees]
Can't this thing go any faster than....
Wow!
[police sirens wailing]
[screaming]
Open up! Police!
(Dale) This is Hank Hill, occupant.
And I cannot open the door...
as I am making love to my wife Peggy.
(Bill) We're doing it!
[screaming]
Oh, my God! Boomhauer!
Boomhauer, please!
Would you take in Hank's paper?
Yo.
Step aside. Don't make me waste
my lung butter on you!
Why don't you go on without me?
I saw a nice kimono in the gift-shop
window that'd be perfect for Joseph.
You're not going anywhere, mister.
Correction. You are going somewhere.
Everywhere with Peggy Hill's
tour-riffic Tokyo.
First stop, the Disney Store.
Everybody super happy
Everybody super happy
6:30 p,m,
[speaking Japanese]
[sighing]
Mr. Cotton Hill! Mr. Lead Story!
Just in time.
This badge admits you
to peace ceremony with emperor.
And if you start to cry,
try to look at red light.
There's gonna be plenty of waterworks.
[laughing]
Let me through. Emergency.
Come on, move aside.
[grunting]
I kick your ass!
Look at me!
Here come Ronald Reagan, Mike Tyson!
So, Colonel Mr. Cotton Hill...
how does it feel to be making peace
with sworn enemy?
God dang it! We're never gonna stop Dad.
[speaking Japanese]
What did you say?
I tell him you are Tom Brokaw.
[chuckling]
You crazy bastard.
Dad, no!
He's got security everywhere.
How many body parts
do you want to leave in this country?
Father, no!
What did you just call me?
I called you father.
There is no shame in being a Hill.
Hank taught me that.
And he also taught me there is no shame
in having a narrow urethra.
That was just between brothers.
Like Japan, I am no longer your enemy.
And like my little brother,
I am your son, I tell you what!
[gulping]
King Tojo,
even though you took my shins...
and I took 50 of your boys,
no hard feelings.
Now that we're all lovey-dovey,
I'd like you to meet my sons.
Hank and Junichiro.
[crowd applauding]
What better souvenir
than a Tokyo phone book?
Here, Bobby. Carry that.
I ain't one for sayonaras.
But I've been meaning to give you this.
Maybe you don't want it, l....
Thank you.
Now I have something
to remember you by.
This photo.
Oh, and our son.
-So, I'm forgiven?
-Yes.
Good-bye, Cotton.
Allow me to help, sister-in-law.
We would have invited you in
for farewell tea.
But as you will read in my article...
these Japanese hotel rooms
are horribly cramped.
Surely you did not spend
entire vacation in sitting room?
Huh?
[gasping]
(Peggy) Oh, my Lord!
You're gonna miss your war scooch,
ain't you, boy?
I never even got to say good-bye.
What? Stop the cab! Stop the cab!
Dad, what are you doing?
You wouldn't understand, boy.
It's about love.
Bobby, you gots to say your good-byes.
'Cause Lord knows...
it's a grenade in the keister
to come back for them after 50 years!
Now go, boy!
Let's not spoil the moment
with a lot of talk.
Let's just dance!
(Bobby) Texas ii the hizouse!