King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 7, Episode 3 - Bad Girls, Bad Girls Whatcha Gonna Do - full transcript

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Q-bag.

Q- bod.

No, man.
Looks like dang ol' "Mogmo."

I'm not even going
to give this animal

the satisfaction
of trying to read it.

That's just what he wants.

One day you're living
in paradise.

Next day,
it's a crime-ridden slum.

Society's going
to hell in a hand basket.



I blame the media-blamers.

(car approaching)

MAN:
And one more thing, people.

K-107 is sponsoring
this year's science fair

which now will be known
as "Rock the Science."

The winner gets
to present their findings

to Easy Ed and the Chicken Boy.

(bell rings)

Dude, you want to be my partner

for the science fair?

I found a dead bird
in my backyard

we could probably
do something with.

Thanks, Joseph

but I'd like to increase
my chances of winning



and decrease my
chances of working.

Hey, Connie, want to be
my science partner?

That'd be great!

I've got about 50 awesome ideas.

Well, 57 if we're allowed
to use radium.

I'll e-mail them
to you tonight.

Why are you trying to get
back together with her?

What? I'm not.

It's just a science project.

It's not like
we're in a play together.

Dude, she might be
thinking something else.

When she walked out of the room,
she looked back at you.

I think you've been reading

too many of your dad's
romance novels.

Why else would
the smartest girl in class

want to work with you?

You made sun tea for last
year's science project.

Uh-oh.

Damn vandal.

This'll probably take us hours

between the joking around
and the horseplay.

And the beer runs.

Look, we're all upset

but this guy hasn't
licked me yet.

This is going to be cool.

Here we go.

That was fast.

You missed a spot.

I did?

No, man, he didn't.

Like a dang ol' shadow.

I got to let her down easy.

Normally, I'd start with a joke

but that's how she fell for me
in the first place.

You know what might
soften the blow?

Tell her
I've always been into her.

And that I always stare at her
not because I'm creepy

but because I'm deep.

I'll do what I can.

Hey, partner.

(grunts)

(groaning)

Connie?

Whoa.

I knew you weren't
wearing slutty lipstick.

Huh?

I just got flipped by this girl

who looked kind of like you

but she was dressed
like a teenager.

Ugh! That's Tid Pao,
my cousin from L.A.

She's sleeping in my room.

L. A?

She was so in my face,
I thought New York

but L.A. Is even better.

Hey

ain't you the fat kid
who jumped me?

Yes, yes, I am.

Bobby Hill.

So, Tid Pao,
how long you going to be here

on the Third Coast?

Till I ain't.

She's here for the rest
of the semester.

Not that anyone asked me.

And while you're here,
stop attacking people.

This isn't L.A.
Where "anything goes."

Where it's cool
to take me to Knott's Berry Farm

and totally ditch me.

Whoa, sorry, I didn't know

I was smacking down
your boyfriend.

Uh, boyfriend?

Well...

Well, he's... uh...

I'm not!

We're just science partners.

Nothing more.

(scoffs):
Peace.

Catch you later.

"Catch you later's" still
a cool phrase, isn't it?

I mean, have you ever used it?

No.

Okay. Whew.

Everybody,
we have a new student:

Tid Pao.

Now, I know
there are a number of ways

we can make fun of her name

like "Kung Pao"

or I suppose "Tid Poo,"
so let's have none of that.

So, do you enjoy exploring
the mysterious world of science?

Do you?

Uh... yes.

Did you see
how she turned it around on him?

Okay, Tid Pao will
need a partner

for the science fair.

I assume Joseph is available.

I don't want Tid Pao.

I want Connie.

You want Tid Pao.

BOBBY: That whole family is hot.

We could do something
with photosynthesis

but that's not very sexy.

And of course,
mitochondrial cell swapping

has been done to death.

Connie, I think we
should switch partners.

What?!

You asked me to be your partner

and now you're blowing me off?

Great.

Fine.

You and Joseph have fun.

So what's it going to be,
paper airplanes?

How a rock works?

Actually...

I want to work with Tid Pao.

But she's just
a stuck-up wise ass

who wears too much makeup.

And the real reason

her parents made her leave L.A.

Is because her grades
are slipping.

That's right, slipping.

So, she's not book-smart.

She gets an "A" in cool.

Hi, science partner.

You want to see my dead bird?

Man, I hate it here.

I just want to come home.

GIRL:
Too soon, Q-Bag.

Know what I'm saying?

The Olvera Street Queens
still going off

about that kilo you stole.

Yo, just stay away, yo.

Yeah, maybe I should give back
what I took from them.

Where you going
to cop that much meth?

You don't know any dealers
down there.

I guess I'll have
to cook it up myself.

I just got to get a hold
of the equipment.

You better be careful, girl.

People probably got their eye
on you.

No sweat.

I can con one
of these inbred hicks

to do my dirty work for me.

Hi.

Hold on.

Yo, Cleo, that hot dude
from next door is here.

Call you back.

Will you be my science fair
partner?

Science partners, huh?

Sounds cool.

All right!

I mean... 'Sup?

BILL: See? I was right.
It's Q-Bag.

There's the "Q,"
and that's clearly "bag."

Gentlemen

I believe I've solved
our graffiti problem.

We build a protective
razor-wire-topped fence

around our existing fence.

(sighs)

Dang it, Dale...

that's genius.

Indeed.

I will use a salami to simulate

what this stuff will do
to a vandal's arm.

Hmm.

We need a real arm. Bill?

BOBBY:
Hey, Tid Pao

I've been, uh

(clears throat)

Jamming on some
science fair ideas.

I've got some notions
involving goggles

and some kind of beaker.

Why don't we get together

tonight for a brainstorming
session?

See where it takes us.

Don't worry about it.

I already got an idea.

Awesome.

I'll pick you
up at 7:00.

Luann, you're the
hippest person I know.

I need to take Tid Pao
someplace that's not boring.

You know, sophisticated

but close enough that
I can ride my bike.

Okay. Um... you know
what's exciting?

That place where you bet
on which chicken is madder.

I could not help overhearing

and I cannot help
making some suggestions.

Here's what to do.

The Pioneer Women's Museum.

Mom, I'm looking for cool,
not lame.

Lame? Well, maybe

if you think it's "lame"
to spend an evening

with costumes and artifacts
used by our fore mothers.

BOBBY: I bet you thought
we were too hick

to have sushi in Arlen.

And a year ago,
you would have been right.

MAN: Salmon's almost defrosted

so it'll be just a sec.

Your fries are ready, though.

(coughing)

Yo, man, this tuna's from a can.

I got it, Carl.

Maybe we should go
roller-skating.

My mother clipped
a coupon for me.

(scoffs)

Um...

BOBBY:
Oh, no!

They're after us!

(sighs)

This is crap, isn't it?

The crappiest.

Ooh

I don't think you're supposed

to touch the women.

Got boogs?!

(laughs)

(laughing)

I think the cow wants
to milk Grandma.

(laughing)

You know what we should
do for our project?

Find out how boys like Bobby

could possibly be interested

in some street trash
like Tid Pao.

You know, if you're tired,
you could crash here.

Oh, Joseph, I really don't want

to get into this again.

Joseph!

Joseph, don't forget
to do the yawn and stretch.

(yawns)

Uh.

Hey, check this out.

You're the one doing that?

My dad keeps having to sandblast

restain and lacquer it off.

He's the one doing that?

You've got to understand.

He doesn't even approve

of bumper stickers.

Yeah, but you're cooler
than that, aren't you?

Give me that can.

Hmm.

Check it out, girl.

I'm representing!

BILL:
Q-Bag!

Painterer!
You

inside now.

Dang it, Bobby.

Your mother and I

took our wedding photos
in front of that fence.

Man, I'm just
keepin' it real, dawg.

(chuckling)

You'd never make it in L.A.

I hope I never make it to L.A.

I could make it in L.A.

I just have very fair skin.

My dermatologist says
it would be a death sentence.

What's that?

I'm sorry, Mom,
I-I couldn't hear you

over the crickets and banjos.

Mister, if you think
you're in a small town now

you're about to be
mayor of your room

for a few months,
I tell you what.

And stay away from that Tid Pao.

And don't think
I can't tell the difference

between her and Connie
because I can.

I swear to your father

I keep you out of trouble

and now you get mixed up
with Bobby Hill!

What is it
with you beautiful Asian girls

and that stupid redneck boy?!

Why so self-destructive?

Low self-esteem?

Uh, long distance.

You use calling card?

Of course not.

Yeah, the stuff
will be ready by next week.

I just got to sell it,
then book it back to Cali.

I'll bring you a little extra
for your birthday.

Aw...

MAN (on radio):
Clear your calendars

open-cockpit biplane fans.

This weekend is the dedication

of Arlen Airfield's
new wind sock.

(sighing heavily)

Yo, Tid Pao

my dad said I couldn't see you

and I just said, "Chill, Hank.

You don't tell me what..."

Close the door!

Oh, crap! Did my dad see me?!

Whoa. My dad said
that you're a bad influence

and here you got half
our science fair project done.

What are we making?

It's a... candy machine.

All right!

Hard candy, chewy candy,
sticky candy, gummy candy?

Just candy.

Interesting.
Interesting.

So, what's the filling...
caramel, nougat, nuts, jelly?

You ready to help me?

Anything, partner.

Yo, your dad works at
a propane place, right?

Yeah, I'm going
to need, like, four tanks.

Uh, I don't know.

As soon as I ask him,
he'll want to know what it's for

and when your name
comes up, no go.

Then don't ask him.

But...

(sighing seductively)

(moaning)

(grunting and sighing)

Sometimes I over think.

(Hank sighing)

Can you believe the sass
coming out of his mouth?

And now it's on my fence.

Oh, come on, Hank.

He's just trying
to impress a girl.

Remember how when
we were first dating

you used to run up
the down escalators?

Yeah, well

at least he was using paint.

This is your dad's job?

This place stinks.

Uh, yeah, you think that's bad?

You should get a
whiff of his overalls.

Most of his customers

pay him in manure.

We're going to need
two more tanks.

But these were
the only little ones outside.

So, get some from inside.

You've already jacked
his key chain.

What's the biggie?

Oh...

(noise from behind door)

(gasping and panting)

Just going to grab
a soda, fellas.

Morning, Joe Jack.

Morning, Enrique.

Morning, darlin'.

Oh, my God!

Mr. Strickland,
we've been robbed!

No, no, it all got spent
on coffee yesterday. Honest.

What the hell is going
on in this town?

First kids
are spray-painting fences.

Now someone is stealing propane.

I can understand wanting propane
so bad you could steal it

but to actually
go through with it?

What kind of sicko

would do that?

(sighing)

Well, the propane
is under my watch

so, it's coming out of my pay.

I was thinking maybe

we can sell our first
batch of candy

and use the money
to repay my dad.

Also, I was thinking
we could call them Bobby Ruths.

Forget that.

I need you to jack us
some cough syrup, yo.

You know, to finish our project.

More stealing?

Yeah, we got heavy into that
in the sixth grade.

It's kind of played out.

Now we're into asking
our parents for the money

and explaining what it's for.

(sniffing)

Yeah, that's what's cool now.

Come on, Q-Bob.

Uh, I got five bucks.

We can go buy a bottle
of children's cherry.

Man, you are so weak.

I'll meet you here
before the science fair.

I mean, the science fizz-air.

Check out this machine we made.

It picks up radio signals.

(exasperated sigh)

It's an incubator, Joseph.

I had the radio on in my room

while I was making it.

Then does music just?

So, Bobby, where's
your cool girlfriend?

She'll be here.
Don't you worry about that.

Mom, the science

fair's today.

I need some cough syrup.

Are you trying to play sick?

Because I will have
a thermometer in you

before you can sit down.

No, no, I want to go to school
and win that science fair.

And when I come home

the only thing I'm putting on
Dad's fence is a blue ribbon.

Or a Chicken Boy T-shirt.

I don't remember
what the prizes were.

I'll be honest with you.

I'm a little uncomfortable

buying such a large
quantity of zoom

from a 13-year-old girl.

Please, mister,
could I just get the deposit?

I'm late
for a Girl Scout meeting.

Don't you cross me, little girl.

Just made my deal.

It'll be enough to pay back
the Olvera Street Queens

and fly back to Cali
first class.

Your punk ass picking me up
at the airport?

Great, thanks.

Oh, this is lemon!

You brought it here?

God, you are one dumb-ass
pig farmer.

What are you yelling at me for?

I'm the one here
rocking the science.

Now, if you're ready

to make some candy

hand me that brake fluid.

What's that cop

doing here?

Oh, that's Mike Soto's dad.

He's one of the judges.

He was a substitute
science teacher

last year while he was
on suspension from the force.

Yo, I got two priors.

But if you leave
you won't get any credit.

It's all yours, man.

Fine, more "A" s for me.

Um, I think somebody
already did your project.

Oh, yeah, it's right over there.

The vending machine.

That the best dig you got?

Maybe you need to invent
a trash-talking machine.

(chortling)

Doof! I hope this candy tastes
better than it smells.

Oh, it's got to.
It smells like cat pee.

Ammonia, cough syrup,
drain cleaner...

Bobby, you're not making candy.

Didn't you watch that MTV
special with Andy Dick?

You're making...

methamphetamine.

You know...
crystal meth, ice, crank?

Big deal,
I made a crank machine.

I'll just change the sign
to "How a Crank Is Made."

Now, quit blocking me
from the judges.

It's drugs, Bobby...
the kind you go to jail for.

Oh, God.

I swear I didn't know.

She set me up.

I'm just a clod-hopping
pig farmer

who was too dumb to listen.

You were so right about her.

Yup.

Connie, please, think.

You got to help me.

Hey, you wanted excitement,
you got it.

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

The compression generated
by the air pump

can launch the potato
with enough force

to go through

a man's skull at 100 yards.

Candy?

Bobby, this is a
refreshing change

from Emily's "Can
mice swim?" project.

Turns out they can,
but not for long.

Let me try a piece.

No, no, no. No.

The experiment is a failure.

I'll take the "F", sir.

Ooh, it's like rock candy.

You know who has

a sweet tooth?

Officer Soto.

Chad?

No, you can't!

It's bad! It's too sweet!

You'll get diarrhea!

I sneezed in it!

W-what the heck
is wrong with you?!

It was an accident.

Prove it wasn't, yo.

I'm the last uncle you got.

You screw up here

we ship you back
to Grandma in Laos.

(grunting)

The yellow tail
smells a little funny

but it all smells
kind of funny to me.

Would you look at us...

chillin' in
a hip new sushi place

right here in Arlen.

Who needs L. A?

Hmm. So, this
is chicken tempura, huh?

It's pretty good.

Mmm, try it with the gravy,
Hank, it's... mmm.

(drawl):
Domo arigato.

Captioned by Media Access Group
at WGBH access. Wgbh. Org
Ripped By mstoll

Man, I'm just
keepin' it real, dawg.