King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 6, Episode 2 - Soldier of Misfortune - full transcript

When can I try her out, Hank?

I bet she's got enough power
to lift me off the ground!

It's a leaf blower, Bill, not a jetpack.

Guess who's running
for an unprecedented fourth term...

as president of the Arlen Gun Club?

I'll give you a hint.
He made love to my wife last night.

Dang it, Dale.
I didn't let Bill put a personal ad up there...

and I sure as hell won't let that up.

[l Fought The Law
by Bobby Fuller Four playing]

Macaroon?

I've got entrance-wound size
and exit-wound size.



Dale, every year I vote for you...

just to get my hands
on one of your fine macaroons.

Well, in that case, Jim,
take two and vote twice.

That's a good one.

Mad Dog, cookie?

Hats off, boys. It's the First Lady.

If you're not going to respect the man,
Mad Dog, at least respect the office.

Gribble, I wouldn't vote for a clown
like you if I had a gun to my head.

See?

Hey! Watch your mouth, Mad Dog!

While you were safely tucked away
in prison...

Dale was out there kicking ass
for the highest bidder.

Yeah. Right.

Or don't you get
Soldier of Fortuie in the hole?



Paid ad don't mean nothing.

I bought a knife from an ad
in the back of that magazine.

Said it wouldn't break off in a man's skull.

Crap.

Tell him, Dale.

Tell him about the time you assassinated
that Central American dictator.

-Yeah!
-Again? Gladly.

The generalissimo was guarded better
than a Mafia don's virgin daughter.

We needed the element of surprise...

so me and my team showed up
disguised as flower-delivery men.

He answers the door, thinking
someone sent him a bouquet of roses.

But instead...

he's pushing up daisies!

That's a good one.

[All exclaiming]

Well, I'll be danged!
An accidental discharge.

Or was there a Central American dictator
hiding in the cash register?

That's one for the safety video.

Come on, guys! Lighten up.

-Anyone want a beer?
-Yeah.

-Sure.
-Read my mind.

[Singing] Dale had
ai accideital discharge

Stop laughing at me!

-I'm a laughingstock!
-Dale, calm down.

In a couple of weeks, I'm sure one of
those guys will accidentally shoot off...

someone's toe, and this'll all be forgotten.

Oh, God!
If that happened, I'd kiss his bloody nub.

[Crashing]

Fresh batch of macaroons, Jim?

Whoa! Don't shoot!

Good one, Jim. Very topical.

I'll just put the cookies over on the....

You're going down, Gribble.

And unlike your macaroons,
you're staying down.

[All laughing]

Hey, Dale, you look kind of sad for a guy
who's in a propane dealership.

Mad Dog's challenging me for president...

and he's already got the Black vote. Earl.

And the gay vote.

Earl.

So things are gonna be a little tense
with Earl.

You're still gonna win the election.

You don't understand.

Me having an accidental discharge
is like you giving a sales pitch...

for a grill and not even mentioning
the convenient warming plate.

I can't even.... No. God, no!

God, yes!

Mad Dog's even sent out invitations
to his inauguration party.

Why did I pull my gun during the
flower-delivery story?

Because it makes it more exciting!

But now look at me!

Mommy! It's burning!

-Oh, that hurts!
-I'm unfit to carry a weapon.

[Dale crying]

How long am I gonna have to look
at Dale moping around in his underwear?

Oh, there goes the underwear.

I can honestly say this is the first time I've
ever seen anyone as depressed as I am.

-It's scary.
-We've gotta do something to help him.

Tell you what, man,
I broke up with a chick....

Just give.... Could give a little ol',
dang ol' little puppy, man.

That's a great idea! We'll give Dale a dog.

Nice work, Boomhauer.

I have to say, I am not wowed
by the puppy idea.

But here's what we do know.
A gun is a penis substitute.

So Dale losing the Gun Club presidency
is like Dale losing his....

-Penis?
-Exactly!

Now, how do we give Dale back his penis?

We anonymously answer his
Soldier of Fortuie ad...

and send him on a mission
even a moron could do.

When he completes it...

he will happily be back in his
pathetic little bubble of self-delusion!

And kudos to me for coming up
with the idea.

Macaroon?

You, too?

[Phone ringing]

This is Dale.

Yes, I'm calliig about your ad,

It's a sky-blue Schwinn
in 68%% mint condition.

I'm calling about your
Soldier of Fortuie ad.

I'm paid up.
My wife sent the check last week.

I'm tryiig to hire you, you idiot,

Who is this?

You don't know me. But my name is....

Frank! It's Frank Hill! Wait, no.

-Fred.
-Fred Hill.

Mr. Big.

My name is Mr. Big.

Yes, yes, yes!

Are you available
for a top-secret mission tomorrow?

Let me check my appointment book.

Kidnap, kidnap, coup.
Sure, I can squeeze you in.

Excellent. Mr. Big is pleased.

Tomorrow at 2:00 p.m.,
go to the bus station.

We'll call you with further instructions.

Daddy's back!

Coconutty.

-How long we been on stakeout?
-Three minutes.

-I'm starving.
-We'll get a snack after.

And I'm horny.

[Phone ringing]

-Go.
-This is Mr. Big, I tell you what.

In the lobby, you will find an aluminum
briefcase underneath a bench.

[Whispering] Tell him to get a Twix bar
from the vending machine.

[Shushing]

Take the briefcase to the skating rink...

across town and put it in the dumpster.

Twix!

Briefcase!

What the hell are you doing?

Give it.

Pocket sand!

He took the wrong briefcase!
Dang it, Dale!

[Phone ringing]

The falcon has the egg.

By egg, I mean briefcase.

Oh, and this is Dale, from the ad.

There's been a change in plans.

Your new mission is to take the briefcase
to the lost and found at the bus station.

Wait a minute.

I don't recall a change in plans
being in the original plan.

What exactly am I carrying in this case?

I'll ask the questions around here, Gribble.

And right now I don't have any.

It's drugs, isn't it?

Well, if you want a mule,
go to the pet store, Big!

Mercenary.

""To Zander. Happy Birthday. Love, Daddy.""

Daddy?

There's no drugs!
Oh, my God, I've been set up!

-Where are the drugs?
-What drugs?

The drugs that the drug lord will search
for in each and every one of my cavities...

when I present him
with an empty teddy bear.

I can't die on my first mission!

It's bad for business!

Thank God, Hank!
Someone's trying to kill me!

And this time I'm not just saying that
to get attention!

I should have known
it was too good to be true.

Fourteen years I've been running that ad.

Not one call! Then suddenly, one call.

I'm being set up.

But who hates me? No one!

Wait. Mad Dog.

But who would stand to gain
from killing me? No one!

Wait. Mad Dog.

Mr. Big is Mad Dog!

What? No, no! Mr. Big is not Mad Dog!

Mr. Big is...

not Mad Dog.

Oh, God, I'm a dead man.

If you guys are seen with me,
Mr. Big will kill you, too!

So get out of here.

Hank, Boomhauer, you got a lot to live for!

Bill, you can stay or go, doesn't matter.

-Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
-Dale, what are you doing?

I'm gonna kill Mr. Big before he kills us!

Mr. Big's gonna kill us!

Quick, Nancy! Plan 51 Tango!

What are you talking about, sug'?

Fifty-one Tango!

In the event of a hostile takeover
of the Gun Club...

resulting in a Dale-threatening situation,
I flee to Costa Rica!

Why do we even have the drills
if you aren't gonna pay attention?

Well, I don't hear any girlish screams.

So either Dale's not here yet or he's dead.

The invitation says we're supposed
to bring chips and dip.

We ain't got no chips and dip!

[Alarm sounding]

Trespassers.
If I shoot them, I'm going back to jail.

But I can't not shoot them.

Dang, man. You can talk about a....

-Bill, watch out!
-What?

I'm too fat! I'm too fat!

Hang on, fellas. Help is on the way!

I'm okay. This skeleton broke my fall.

Joseph, I waited at the mall for two hours.

You know I don't trust
anyone else's opinion on swimsuits.

Sorry.

I had to cut my hair to make a moustache
for my dad.

We're going on a trip.

-ln my dad's truck?
-Your dad gave it to me.

He's buying a convertible.
I wasn't supposed to say anything...

but here it is. He's having a midlife crisis.

He'll probably leave your mother,
and it's partially your fault.

Now, be good boys and go get
my flip-flops. They're under the couch.

Oh, and bring the couch.

See that nasty stain on the carpet?

Well, you better start talking,
or you're gonna end up...

just like the guy who spilled that red wine.

Okay, okay, just calm down.

You seem like a reasonable fellow, so
you'll probably get a chuckle out of this.

-Dale's coming to kill you!
-I knew it!

Now, how's he planning on doing it?

Hey, man, what are you talking about?
I don't know a dang ol' thing, man.

Playing dumb, huh?

Oh, good. Now I get to torture you.

Jim! Go get your jumper cables.

There wasn't anything on the invitation
about taking hostages.

Fifteen minutes ago we were talking
about microwaving a pizza!

What happened here?

[Cell phone beeping]

What's that?

Man, that dang ol' cell phone.
I could be talking to Shavonne, man.

You know, we were gonna go have dinner,
rent a movie...

you know, make a movie, too, man.

Maybe I can hit the redial button
with my nose and call for help.

-It's our only hope.
-Go for it!

[Phone ringing]

-Beep! The number you have--
-Dale, it's Haik,

Mad Dog is holdiig us prisoier
at his house,

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, Hank!

Joseph, forget the flip-flops!
Just get the couch!

Is that my dad?

If he's not gonna make it home
for dinner...

ask him if I can have his pork chop.

Bobby, you'll be having your dad's pork
chop every night for the rest of your life.

Wait.
That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.

Retraction.

Bobby, you will not be having your dad's
pork chop tonight or any other night.

You hear that, Hank?

Bobby's not having
your pork chop, damn it!

-I'm on my way!
-No, Dale, Just call the cops,

Oh, my God! What the hell are you doing?

Nothing. I swear.
I was just calling for help!

Give me that!

Oh, my God! Come on.

-Get down!
-No!

-Dale, did you call the cops?
-Cops? Relax, Hank.

You're with a professional
soldier of fortune.

You are not a soldier of fortune!
You're not a soldier of anything!

The only soldier here is Bill,
and he cuts hair.

I'm so scared.

You're nothing but a bunch of stories
you read in a magazine...

written by bigger liars than you.

You want me to save us
from Mr. Big or not?

Dang it, Dale.
Mad Dog is not Mr. Big, I am Mr. Big.

-No, you're not.
-I am Mr. Big.

But I've known you since the
second grade! When did this happen?

First grade?

It happened when you shot
that stupid cash register.

We sent you on a phony mission.

No, it was more like a phony errand.
And you couldn't even get that right.

I was just trying to make you feel better
without having to talk to you.

Now, which one of you fellows
has always been afraid of drowning?

Mad Dog, you'll want to hear this.

My friends were just asking about
my work for the ClA.

Knock it off, Dale.

There's no way they'd let one of their
contract killers die in a situation like this.

What? Copy that.

What are you doing?
Who are you talking to?

He's talking to me. Yeah. Copy that.

Okay, Dale. Talk to you later.

In about two minutes, a ClA SWAT team...

is gonna swarm this place like flies on Bill.

You're bluffing.

Dale, shut up or you're gonna get us killed.

You know, you'd be amazed
how a few flowers...

could really brighten up this room.

[Alarm sounding]

Oh, my God!
Dale's flower-delivery-man routine?

It's the ClA!

We ain't scared of the ClA! Right, men?

Jim, go in the kitchen
and get my box of grenades.

-Third shelf behind the cake mix.
-No way!

I'll have cake with you anytime,
but you shoot your own feds!

Yeah, Mad Dog!
There's only one man I'd take a bullet for...

and he's home making my supper!

So that's how it's gonna be?

Well, you can put those flowers
on your graves.

I'm flying free.

Oh, man! By the size of those bouquets,
they're packing some serious heat.

Dale, call them off!

Please, Dale! They'll listen to you.
You're one of them.

-I'll make it up to you. I swear!
-Well, I could.

But calling off the ClA seems like a job...

best suited for the president
of the Gun Club.

All in favor of re-electing
Dale Alvin Gribble...

who's currently running on the
""Save your sorry asses"" platform...

-say aye.
-Aye!

I got 47 dozen roses for a Dale Gribble.

How embarrassing.
I seem to have forgotten all my money.

I knew he was a company man.
He's flashing his ClA badge.

But that guy's my best friend,
and he'll cover me.

Holy smokes!
He dropped the hammer on Mad Dog!

I'll just slip away
and live to fight another day.

I'll be damned if I let
those jack-booted thugs...

put my yearbook photo all over the CNN!

It got pretty hairy in there.

I've seen hairier.

Well, I haven't. But then again,
I'm not a professional mercenary.

Nice work, Dale.

I mean, nice work, Dale.

Wait a minute. Did we untie Bill?

I'm okay. I just fell in the hole again.

One more time, Dale.

Tell us the story about how you saved
all of us from Mad Dog.

Again? Gladly.

It was 3:00 p.m. yesterday.

The Gun Club was filled with the smell
of intrigue and coconut.

I needed to know who I could trust.

So I pretended...

to accideitally discharge my weapoi
iito the cash register,

HANK: Mr, Big is pleased,