King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 4, Episode 4 - Little Horrors of Shop - full transcript
Hank gives Peggy a run for her money as Substitute of the Year when he teaches shop at Tom Landry, but gets into trouble when he brings tools to the class.
Twenty biology quizzes
and not one smiley face.
Their grades are plummeting even faster
than I did when I fell out of that airplane.
Ah Peggy, remember the therapist
said to go easy on your spine.
You may want to shorten
your back swing on those check marks.
Hank, the best therapy for my back...
will be lifting my third straight
Substitute Teacher of the Year award...
high above my head in triumph.
[Exclaims in pain]
Falling from that plane
may have broken my spine...
but it could not break my teaching bone.
No, not even if one existed.
Mom, I think you're using
the English key to mark the bio tests.
Oh..Well, yes.
oh I'm not used to teaching
so much non-Spanish.
Come on, Peggy Hill.
Rookie mistake. Get it together.
Uh oh I don't have the bio answer key.
Bobby, find me a frog.
I would suggest you bleed out
the excess pressure in the bypass line...
HANK: because if you don't have--
STRICKLAND: is that a business call?
Not strictly, no.
Hank, when was the last time
you took a day off?
l took a day off when Bobby was born,
but l wasn't really sick.
l meant to tell you,
it just slipped my mind.
l did come in that Saturday.
Would you get the hell out of here, Hank?
I'm getting squeezed by some
insurance-company pencil stain...
who claims working too long
without a vacation can make you sloppy.
And when you're sloppy
in the propane biz, people die...
and then my premiums go up.
Sloppy? I challenge him
to find one single mistake--
Just take some time off.
See you in two weeks.
Couldn't I just
take my vacation at my desk?
STRICKLAND: No!
[Rock music playing on stereo]
Teaching band today, are you?
After you win
Substitute of the Year this time...
they might just rename it
''The Hill Trophy.''
[Chuckles]
l can't suggest that, Hank.
You'd have to suggest that.
l sure do have the time.
This whole not-working thing is gonna
give me a heart attack, I tell you what.
God, that'd be embarrassing.
''Hank Hill found dead not working.''
I wish I could stay and help.
But until they invent a machine
that can stand in front of a band...
and keep the beat, I am needed.
[Slow instrumental music]
[Sighs]
[Exclaims quizzically]
[Slow instrumental music continues]
-Yup.
-Yup.
What did you guys do?
Any shaves today, Bill, or just haircuts?
How's that new belt working out,
Boomhauer?
-Dale, you kill any bugs?
-Did I?
-No.
-Yeah, I did.
It fell in the big jar of blue stuff
where I keep my combs.
Was it small like an ant,
or crafty like a fly?
I'm not sure.
Fly.
I'd come by tomorrow to pick it up,
but my plate's full.
Situation with a termite.
Possibly more than one.
Termites? Maybe you could use
an extra set of hands.
Wingo!
But you gotta chip in for gas and poison.
Here is the beauty of tenting.
Ground zero's officially hot for a week.
It takes two days to spray.
The rest of the time
it's your own private playhouse.
Go on. Take a spin on the bidet.
Or did you think it was a water fountain?
[Laughing]
I did.
I'm going home, Dale.
I shouldn't even have let myself
sit on a stranger's toilet lid.
Man, this guy's got bad eyesight.
So, tell me about your day.
How was math?
We were doing conversions
on the overhead projector...
and Mrs. Hosner erased
her mistakes with spit.
Oh.
What'd you do before math?
That's my new favorite class. Shop.
Shop? Bobby, from now on when I ask,
''How was your day?''
I mean, ''How was shop?''
It's great.
Our regular teacher
eloped with the lunch lady.
So, until the two of them
get back from Branson...
Principal Moss is having us use shop
as a study hall.
We don't have to make anything.
What? Hold on, son.
[Bobby grunts]
i want you to tell me again, slowly.
What happened to shop?
[Sighing]
You look so tired, Aunt Peggy.
it's not a pretty look.
There is no rest
for a substitute teacher, Luanne.
Except for 10 minutes every hour
and 45 minutes for lunch.
[Groans in pain]
i'm a pre-education major.
Maybe I could be a substitute teacher.
[Laughing]
Luanne, honey, I was not laughing at you.
I was laughing at the idea.
Sorry, the school board won't authorize
funding for a substitute shop teacher.
We can't even afford to fix a dent
in the gym floor...
where Coach had his little fit.
You know, I remember a fellow
in my eighth-grade shop class.
Pretty handy with a coping saw. Nice guy.
His name was Carl Moss.
Whatever happened to him?
Got married, had kids, responsibilities.
Things change, Hank.
One thing hasn't changed. Kids need shop.
Who's gonna teach them?
The only man handier
with the coping saw than Carl Moss.
-Jack Shermer?
-What?
Jack was all flash.
I coped circles around....
Me! i'll teach shop and i'll do it for free.
Okay, Hank.
With your wife
already a substitute teacher here...
just keep the bitterness and
the ''he said, she said'' out of my school.
We have a very good marriage.
I don't wanna catch you two making out
in the teachers' lounge.
You won't.
Should I have the students call me
Mr. Hill or Hank?
Oh, good Lord.
And I thought I dodged a bullet
when Luanne wanted to teach.
Are you comparing me to Luanne?
Hank, sit down.
i'm gonna do for you what,
at the beginning of my career, l did for me.
Create a unified theory of education.
Teaching can be divided
into seven spectras.
The salutatory,
the attendatory, pedagoguory....
Wait. Let's see, how's it go?
Surf, Arnold, Perverse, Dinah. ''D.''
Oh, disciplinaria.
...which brings us to sanitaria.
Everybody looks pretty clean,
l guess we could empty the trash.
[Bobby whistles]
[Stool squeaks]
Son, could you stand up a minute?
Cool. Is that a switchblade?
No, it's a multi-tool.
But it does have a saw.
What else does it have?
HANK: Well, it has a file...
a serrated Sheep's foot blade,
a lanyard ring...
you know, the usual.
And for our purposes now, a Phillips head.
Do that thing again.
HANK: What? This?
[Students exclaim in wonder]
What were you kids working on
before they made this a study hall?
JOSEPH: Birdhouses.
HANK: Let's see them.
[Hank murmurs approvingly]
[Hank grunts thoughtfully]
Okay, Joseph.
I don't see any reason
your father needs to find out about this.
You know,
birds can build their own houses.
They're called nests.
But i've never seen
a bird build a boomerang or a dartboard.
[Students exclaiming in agreement]
Okay, everyone, put on your goggles.
Now remember, everybody,
goggles might make you look cool...
but they're also
part of proper safety attire.
i have this one student,
kind of a troublemaker.
He likes to leave his rabbet plane
lying blade down.
But a project like this mini-foosball set
might just turn him around.
So, can l assume
that my lesson plan got an A...
or is your highest grade an A-plus?
Actually, l was having a little trouble
with the file cards...
so, well, l kind of winged it.
Winged it?
You professional teachers
probably have a special term for it...
but l just fell back on natural instinct.
lt might not have been a pretty win,
but l'll take it.
That's strange.
We don't seem to have a bevel gauge.
l'll bet you've got more tools
than the school does.
And l bet the cost-benefit yahoo
who decided this shop could...
do without a bevel gauge
has never even tried to test a bevel.
Much less a chamfer.
Yeah. The big yahoo.
That's looking good, Bobby.
Just remember to clamp your butt joint.
[Snickering]
-l get it.
-l'm sorry, Dad. l just--
No, it's okay. You're right.
The joke's on me.
You should use a miter joint here.
That will look better.
-Than a....
-Butt joint.
-Right.
-Okay, son. Now you're just rubbing it in.
[Hissing]
When we take the rose
out of the liquid nitrogen...
it becomes as brittle as the most delicate
crystal wine goblet.
[Students murmuring]
[Chuckles sheepishly]
The exciting thing
about the laws of nature...
is that, well, you never know...
what to expect.
[Glass shattering]
Nice sanding, Joseph.
This napkin holder is smooth enough
to hold even the finest napkins.
Your mom's gonna love it.
You see, this is why we do shop.
Not to be more popular
or to get into college...
but to sand and drill
and chisel things for our moms.
Hey, there, Peggy,
Welcome to my classroom,
Hank, it's Mrs. Peggy Hill
in front of the voters.
Or two-time Substitute of the Year,
Mrs. Hill.
Yes, that sounds more natural.
Didn't you hear the bell ring?
ln two minutes, these students
will be tardy somewhere.
Did anyone show you
how to fill out a hall pass?
No, but l made my own
rubber hall pass stamp.
Hank, what is gonna happen
when that falls into the wrong hands?
l guess you don't have
a stamp to answer that, do you?
Carl, l hope you don't mind.
l jotted down some basic supplies
we need in shop.
We don't have money
for all these fancy teaching aids.
Like wood.
You know, the Carl Moss l knew wouldn't--
Give it a rest, Hank.
All parents care about these days is
zero-tolerance drug policies, and literacy.
''Why can't Johnny read?''
God, that gets old.
But, Carl, shop is the foundation
of all learning.
A youngster with a tool in both hands...
has no hands left to do drugs.
They'll just put the tools down if they
want to do the drugs bad enough.
Joseph must have used the last piece
of maple for his napkin holder.
l wonder if it was like this
teaching shop during World War ll.
l don't know.
You know what helped us win that war?
People here at home
made do with what they had.
Like when Clark's chair was squeaking,
we all pitched in and fixed it.
And that's exactly
what we're gonna do now.
This school is one big project
waiting to be fixed.
Anyone notice that broken window
in the chemistry class?
We could all bring some tools from home
to fix that window.
Or re-hang the letters
that blew off the school last winter.
And no one's gonna make fun of us...
for going to Om Landy Middle School
no more!
[Hammer tapping]
[Upbeat instrumental music]
HANK: ''Here l sit brokenhearted.
Came to....''
No!
Who brought a cordless power sander?
BOBBY: l'm on it.
[Power sander buzzing]
l'll see you tomorrow back in class,
Mr. Hill.
Remember, l called the drill press,
Okay, then, Susie.
l think they might like me.
More important, though,
l think they might like shop.
That's just wonderful, Hank.
But remember,
just because they are liking it...
does not mean they are learning it.
Hey, Mr. Hill.
And p.s., watch out for the brown-nosers.
lf history teaches us anything,
it is that an informal pre-election vote...
or ''straw poll'' favors the proven winner,
or the ''incumbent.''
For our Substitute Teacher of the Year
straw poll...
the incumbent would be me.
Mrs. Peggy with a ''y'' Hill.
Why should a straw poll
favor the incumbent?
Good question. My theory is:
voting for a winner
is a way for you to feel more popular, too.
Now, please pass your ballots forward
so Shawn can count them.
[Electric crackling]
STUDENTS: Cool.
Well, if possibly burning our retinas
is cool, then yes, cool.
Okay. Thank you, Shawn.
Now l will announce the results.
Three votes for Lara Croft,
whoever the heck that is.
Four votes undecided. Okay.
Four votes for Mrs. Peggy Hill.
l thank you.
And seven votes for Mr. Hank Hill.
[Tense instrumental music]
l don't have any math homework, honest.
Walk with me, Bobby.
l don't understand.
Most of the students who wanna
vote for him don't even take shop.
Dad has very good buzz.
And what is the word on me?
l think you're seen as more of an insider.
One of them. A suit.
-You know, they play, you dance--
-l got it.
[Sniffing]
Okay. lf the locker room's all re-grouted...
why don't you go to the cafeteria
and work on those dimmer switches?
Mr. Hill, come quick.
[Panting]
Something's happened to Bobby.
[Tense instrumental music]
CLARK: See?
l caught your boy carrying
these chisels and screwdrivers...
and this toothy, pointy--
Keyhole saw. They're tools.
Carl, you used to know that.
Well, maybe.
But according to the school board's
zero-tolerance policy...
anything that can be used as a weapon
is a weapon.
That's just asinine.
My hands are tied.
lf l showed even a little bit of tolerance,
we couldn't call it zero-tolerance.
l'm sorry, Hank.
l'm gonna have to suspend your boy.
He didn't do anything wrong.
I told all my students to bring tools in.
Well, that cuts down on the paperwork.
l'm gonna have to suspend you.
Emily!
Escort Mr. Hill off school grounds.
Don't you touch me.
[Solemn instrumental music]
[Sighs]
Kicked out of work, kicked out of school.
This is the worst vacation ever.
-Bubbles.
-Got you.
[Water bubbling]
Damn zero-tolerance.
Using a saw for a weapon
makes about as much sense...
as using a gun to cut a two-by-four.
That's how my Dad built my tree house.
How he cleaned it, too.
Bureaucrats like Moss
don't respond to reason, Hank.
Let's toilet paper his yard.
lt's not just Moss,
it's the whole dang school board.
That's gonna take a lot more TP.
I think they keep it under the sink.
[Slow instrumental music]
[Sighs]
BOBBY: Dad.
Dad, can we borrow your tools?
l wanted to finish this cutting board
for my mom's birthday.
And we've got no place to put our napkins.
Well, okay.
But you'll have to take turns.
l only have three circular saws.
What about sanders?
l have enough sanders for everyone.
By now you have probably all heard
about the suspension...
of popular shop teacher, Mr. Hill.
And his disqualification
for Substitute Teacher of the Year.
-That's so unfair.
-He lost his job.
l could not agree more.
And in protest, l, Peggy Hill...
have decided to take
my name off the ballot.
lnstead, l will run as ''Mrs. Hank Hill.''
[Hammer tapping]
[Drill buzzing]
You might wanna use a router
instead of that power drill...
for your grease moat there.
Can we do a whole unit on routers
next week in class?
Good idea, Susie,
but it's not my class anymore.
I could fight for reinstatement...
but l gotta get back
to the propane game on Monday.
[Students exclaim disappointedly]
But that shouldn't stop you from
pursuing your own dreams of wood...
plywood, pressed fiberboard,
and if you've got the talent, metal.
You see, shop doesn't have to happen
in any special place...
as long as it's well-lit
and the outlets are grounded.
Because shop is bigger
than any classroom or garage...
or stupid policy that makes tools illegal.
It's in our hearts.
[Sniffling]
[Sentimental instrumental music]
Okay, let's sweep up.
Honey, I called the school.
They will let you back on school grounds
just for the award ceremony.
HANK: That's terrific--
Which l take as a very good indication
of my chances.
Let's go.
Before we meet
our new assistant swim coach,,,
l'd like to announce
the winner of this year's,,,
Substitute Teacher of the Year award,
-Mrs, Hank Hill,
-What?
[Audience applauding]
Oh, gosh, thank you.
Who would have thought
that l would win three years in a row?
Honey, my speech.
Look, it's Mr. Hill.
[Students cheering]
You hear that, honey?
l fell out of a plane,
and just two months later...
l have landed on my feet.
STUDENT: All right, shop!
[Students cheering]
Gracias, l accept this
on behalf of everyone,,,
who has ever fallen out of a plane,,,
and lived to win her third straight
Substitute Teacher of the Year award,
l am king of the school!
[Peggy whooping]
[Microphone screeching]
[Theme music]
BOBBY,: Yeah, The big yahoo,
and not one smiley face.
Their grades are plummeting even faster
than I did when I fell out of that airplane.
Ah Peggy, remember the therapist
said to go easy on your spine.
You may want to shorten
your back swing on those check marks.
Hank, the best therapy for my back...
will be lifting my third straight
Substitute Teacher of the Year award...
high above my head in triumph.
[Exclaims in pain]
Falling from that plane
may have broken my spine...
but it could not break my teaching bone.
No, not even if one existed.
Mom, I think you're using
the English key to mark the bio tests.
Oh..Well, yes.
oh I'm not used to teaching
so much non-Spanish.
Come on, Peggy Hill.
Rookie mistake. Get it together.
Uh oh I don't have the bio answer key.
Bobby, find me a frog.
I would suggest you bleed out
the excess pressure in the bypass line...
HANK: because if you don't have--
STRICKLAND: is that a business call?
Not strictly, no.
Hank, when was the last time
you took a day off?
l took a day off when Bobby was born,
but l wasn't really sick.
l meant to tell you,
it just slipped my mind.
l did come in that Saturday.
Would you get the hell out of here, Hank?
I'm getting squeezed by some
insurance-company pencil stain...
who claims working too long
without a vacation can make you sloppy.
And when you're sloppy
in the propane biz, people die...
and then my premiums go up.
Sloppy? I challenge him
to find one single mistake--
Just take some time off.
See you in two weeks.
Couldn't I just
take my vacation at my desk?
STRICKLAND: No!
[Rock music playing on stereo]
Teaching band today, are you?
After you win
Substitute of the Year this time...
they might just rename it
''The Hill Trophy.''
[Chuckles]
l can't suggest that, Hank.
You'd have to suggest that.
l sure do have the time.
This whole not-working thing is gonna
give me a heart attack, I tell you what.
God, that'd be embarrassing.
''Hank Hill found dead not working.''
I wish I could stay and help.
But until they invent a machine
that can stand in front of a band...
and keep the beat, I am needed.
[Slow instrumental music]
[Sighs]
[Exclaims quizzically]
[Slow instrumental music continues]
-Yup.
-Yup.
What did you guys do?
Any shaves today, Bill, or just haircuts?
How's that new belt working out,
Boomhauer?
-Dale, you kill any bugs?
-Did I?
-No.
-Yeah, I did.
It fell in the big jar of blue stuff
where I keep my combs.
Was it small like an ant,
or crafty like a fly?
I'm not sure.
Fly.
I'd come by tomorrow to pick it up,
but my plate's full.
Situation with a termite.
Possibly more than one.
Termites? Maybe you could use
an extra set of hands.
Wingo!
But you gotta chip in for gas and poison.
Here is the beauty of tenting.
Ground zero's officially hot for a week.
It takes two days to spray.
The rest of the time
it's your own private playhouse.
Go on. Take a spin on the bidet.
Or did you think it was a water fountain?
[Laughing]
I did.
I'm going home, Dale.
I shouldn't even have let myself
sit on a stranger's toilet lid.
Man, this guy's got bad eyesight.
So, tell me about your day.
How was math?
We were doing conversions
on the overhead projector...
and Mrs. Hosner erased
her mistakes with spit.
Oh.
What'd you do before math?
That's my new favorite class. Shop.
Shop? Bobby, from now on when I ask,
''How was your day?''
I mean, ''How was shop?''
It's great.
Our regular teacher
eloped with the lunch lady.
So, until the two of them
get back from Branson...
Principal Moss is having us use shop
as a study hall.
We don't have to make anything.
What? Hold on, son.
[Bobby grunts]
i want you to tell me again, slowly.
What happened to shop?
[Sighing]
You look so tired, Aunt Peggy.
it's not a pretty look.
There is no rest
for a substitute teacher, Luanne.
Except for 10 minutes every hour
and 45 minutes for lunch.
[Groans in pain]
i'm a pre-education major.
Maybe I could be a substitute teacher.
[Laughing]
Luanne, honey, I was not laughing at you.
I was laughing at the idea.
Sorry, the school board won't authorize
funding for a substitute shop teacher.
We can't even afford to fix a dent
in the gym floor...
where Coach had his little fit.
You know, I remember a fellow
in my eighth-grade shop class.
Pretty handy with a coping saw. Nice guy.
His name was Carl Moss.
Whatever happened to him?
Got married, had kids, responsibilities.
Things change, Hank.
One thing hasn't changed. Kids need shop.
Who's gonna teach them?
The only man handier
with the coping saw than Carl Moss.
-Jack Shermer?
-What?
Jack was all flash.
I coped circles around....
Me! i'll teach shop and i'll do it for free.
Okay, Hank.
With your wife
already a substitute teacher here...
just keep the bitterness and
the ''he said, she said'' out of my school.
We have a very good marriage.
I don't wanna catch you two making out
in the teachers' lounge.
You won't.
Should I have the students call me
Mr. Hill or Hank?
Oh, good Lord.
And I thought I dodged a bullet
when Luanne wanted to teach.
Are you comparing me to Luanne?
Hank, sit down.
i'm gonna do for you what,
at the beginning of my career, l did for me.
Create a unified theory of education.
Teaching can be divided
into seven spectras.
The salutatory,
the attendatory, pedagoguory....
Wait. Let's see, how's it go?
Surf, Arnold, Perverse, Dinah. ''D.''
Oh, disciplinaria.
...which brings us to sanitaria.
Everybody looks pretty clean,
l guess we could empty the trash.
[Bobby whistles]
[Stool squeaks]
Son, could you stand up a minute?
Cool. Is that a switchblade?
No, it's a multi-tool.
But it does have a saw.
What else does it have?
HANK: Well, it has a file...
a serrated Sheep's foot blade,
a lanyard ring...
you know, the usual.
And for our purposes now, a Phillips head.
Do that thing again.
HANK: What? This?
[Students exclaim in wonder]
What were you kids working on
before they made this a study hall?
JOSEPH: Birdhouses.
HANK: Let's see them.
[Hank murmurs approvingly]
[Hank grunts thoughtfully]
Okay, Joseph.
I don't see any reason
your father needs to find out about this.
You know,
birds can build their own houses.
They're called nests.
But i've never seen
a bird build a boomerang or a dartboard.
[Students exclaiming in agreement]
Okay, everyone, put on your goggles.
Now remember, everybody,
goggles might make you look cool...
but they're also
part of proper safety attire.
i have this one student,
kind of a troublemaker.
He likes to leave his rabbet plane
lying blade down.
But a project like this mini-foosball set
might just turn him around.
So, can l assume
that my lesson plan got an A...
or is your highest grade an A-plus?
Actually, l was having a little trouble
with the file cards...
so, well, l kind of winged it.
Winged it?
You professional teachers
probably have a special term for it...
but l just fell back on natural instinct.
lt might not have been a pretty win,
but l'll take it.
That's strange.
We don't seem to have a bevel gauge.
l'll bet you've got more tools
than the school does.
And l bet the cost-benefit yahoo
who decided this shop could...
do without a bevel gauge
has never even tried to test a bevel.
Much less a chamfer.
Yeah. The big yahoo.
That's looking good, Bobby.
Just remember to clamp your butt joint.
[Snickering]
-l get it.
-l'm sorry, Dad. l just--
No, it's okay. You're right.
The joke's on me.
You should use a miter joint here.
That will look better.
-Than a....
-Butt joint.
-Right.
-Okay, son. Now you're just rubbing it in.
[Hissing]
When we take the rose
out of the liquid nitrogen...
it becomes as brittle as the most delicate
crystal wine goblet.
[Students murmuring]
[Chuckles sheepishly]
The exciting thing
about the laws of nature...
is that, well, you never know...
what to expect.
[Glass shattering]
Nice sanding, Joseph.
This napkin holder is smooth enough
to hold even the finest napkins.
Your mom's gonna love it.
You see, this is why we do shop.
Not to be more popular
or to get into college...
but to sand and drill
and chisel things for our moms.
Hey, there, Peggy,
Welcome to my classroom,
Hank, it's Mrs. Peggy Hill
in front of the voters.
Or two-time Substitute of the Year,
Mrs. Hill.
Yes, that sounds more natural.
Didn't you hear the bell ring?
ln two minutes, these students
will be tardy somewhere.
Did anyone show you
how to fill out a hall pass?
No, but l made my own
rubber hall pass stamp.
Hank, what is gonna happen
when that falls into the wrong hands?
l guess you don't have
a stamp to answer that, do you?
Carl, l hope you don't mind.
l jotted down some basic supplies
we need in shop.
We don't have money
for all these fancy teaching aids.
Like wood.
You know, the Carl Moss l knew wouldn't--
Give it a rest, Hank.
All parents care about these days is
zero-tolerance drug policies, and literacy.
''Why can't Johnny read?''
God, that gets old.
But, Carl, shop is the foundation
of all learning.
A youngster with a tool in both hands...
has no hands left to do drugs.
They'll just put the tools down if they
want to do the drugs bad enough.
Joseph must have used the last piece
of maple for his napkin holder.
l wonder if it was like this
teaching shop during World War ll.
l don't know.
You know what helped us win that war?
People here at home
made do with what they had.
Like when Clark's chair was squeaking,
we all pitched in and fixed it.
And that's exactly
what we're gonna do now.
This school is one big project
waiting to be fixed.
Anyone notice that broken window
in the chemistry class?
We could all bring some tools from home
to fix that window.
Or re-hang the letters
that blew off the school last winter.
And no one's gonna make fun of us...
for going to Om Landy Middle School
no more!
[Hammer tapping]
[Upbeat instrumental music]
HANK: ''Here l sit brokenhearted.
Came to....''
No!
Who brought a cordless power sander?
BOBBY: l'm on it.
[Power sander buzzing]
l'll see you tomorrow back in class,
Mr. Hill.
Remember, l called the drill press,
Okay, then, Susie.
l think they might like me.
More important, though,
l think they might like shop.
That's just wonderful, Hank.
But remember,
just because they are liking it...
does not mean they are learning it.
Hey, Mr. Hill.
And p.s., watch out for the brown-nosers.
lf history teaches us anything,
it is that an informal pre-election vote...
or ''straw poll'' favors the proven winner,
or the ''incumbent.''
For our Substitute Teacher of the Year
straw poll...
the incumbent would be me.
Mrs. Peggy with a ''y'' Hill.
Why should a straw poll
favor the incumbent?
Good question. My theory is:
voting for a winner
is a way for you to feel more popular, too.
Now, please pass your ballots forward
so Shawn can count them.
[Electric crackling]
STUDENTS: Cool.
Well, if possibly burning our retinas
is cool, then yes, cool.
Okay. Thank you, Shawn.
Now l will announce the results.
Three votes for Lara Croft,
whoever the heck that is.
Four votes undecided. Okay.
Four votes for Mrs. Peggy Hill.
l thank you.
And seven votes for Mr. Hank Hill.
[Tense instrumental music]
l don't have any math homework, honest.
Walk with me, Bobby.
l don't understand.
Most of the students who wanna
vote for him don't even take shop.
Dad has very good buzz.
And what is the word on me?
l think you're seen as more of an insider.
One of them. A suit.
-You know, they play, you dance--
-l got it.
[Sniffing]
Okay. lf the locker room's all re-grouted...
why don't you go to the cafeteria
and work on those dimmer switches?
Mr. Hill, come quick.
[Panting]
Something's happened to Bobby.
[Tense instrumental music]
CLARK: See?
l caught your boy carrying
these chisels and screwdrivers...
and this toothy, pointy--
Keyhole saw. They're tools.
Carl, you used to know that.
Well, maybe.
But according to the school board's
zero-tolerance policy...
anything that can be used as a weapon
is a weapon.
That's just asinine.
My hands are tied.
lf l showed even a little bit of tolerance,
we couldn't call it zero-tolerance.
l'm sorry, Hank.
l'm gonna have to suspend your boy.
He didn't do anything wrong.
I told all my students to bring tools in.
Well, that cuts down on the paperwork.
l'm gonna have to suspend you.
Emily!
Escort Mr. Hill off school grounds.
Don't you touch me.
[Solemn instrumental music]
[Sighs]
Kicked out of work, kicked out of school.
This is the worst vacation ever.
-Bubbles.
-Got you.
[Water bubbling]
Damn zero-tolerance.
Using a saw for a weapon
makes about as much sense...
as using a gun to cut a two-by-four.
That's how my Dad built my tree house.
How he cleaned it, too.
Bureaucrats like Moss
don't respond to reason, Hank.
Let's toilet paper his yard.
lt's not just Moss,
it's the whole dang school board.
That's gonna take a lot more TP.
I think they keep it under the sink.
[Slow instrumental music]
[Sighs]
BOBBY: Dad.
Dad, can we borrow your tools?
l wanted to finish this cutting board
for my mom's birthday.
And we've got no place to put our napkins.
Well, okay.
But you'll have to take turns.
l only have three circular saws.
What about sanders?
l have enough sanders for everyone.
By now you have probably all heard
about the suspension...
of popular shop teacher, Mr. Hill.
And his disqualification
for Substitute Teacher of the Year.
-That's so unfair.
-He lost his job.
l could not agree more.
And in protest, l, Peggy Hill...
have decided to take
my name off the ballot.
lnstead, l will run as ''Mrs. Hank Hill.''
[Hammer tapping]
[Drill buzzing]
You might wanna use a router
instead of that power drill...
for your grease moat there.
Can we do a whole unit on routers
next week in class?
Good idea, Susie,
but it's not my class anymore.
I could fight for reinstatement...
but l gotta get back
to the propane game on Monday.
[Students exclaim disappointedly]
But that shouldn't stop you from
pursuing your own dreams of wood...
plywood, pressed fiberboard,
and if you've got the talent, metal.
You see, shop doesn't have to happen
in any special place...
as long as it's well-lit
and the outlets are grounded.
Because shop is bigger
than any classroom or garage...
or stupid policy that makes tools illegal.
It's in our hearts.
[Sniffling]
[Sentimental instrumental music]
Okay, let's sweep up.
Honey, I called the school.
They will let you back on school grounds
just for the award ceremony.
HANK: That's terrific--
Which l take as a very good indication
of my chances.
Let's go.
Before we meet
our new assistant swim coach,,,
l'd like to announce
the winner of this year's,,,
Substitute Teacher of the Year award,
-Mrs, Hank Hill,
-What?
[Audience applauding]
Oh, gosh, thank you.
Who would have thought
that l would win three years in a row?
Honey, my speech.
Look, it's Mr. Hill.
[Students cheering]
You hear that, honey?
l fell out of a plane,
and just two months later...
l have landed on my feet.
STUDENT: All right, shop!
[Students cheering]
Gracias, l accept this
on behalf of everyone,,,
who has ever fallen out of a plane,,,
and lived to win her third straight
Substitute Teacher of the Year award,
l am king of the school!
[Peggy whooping]
[Microphone screeching]
[Theme music]
BOBBY,: Yeah, The big yahoo,