King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 4, Episode 3 - Bills Are Made to Be Broken - full transcript
When Bill's high school football record is broken unfairly, Hank convinces him to return to the field and re-claim his record.
[Popular rock song playing on radio]
SPORTS JOCK: Sports Jock,
CHAD: And Chad, We're back,
Now, don't tell me
Sports Jock took Pickins over Curney?
SPORTS JOCK: Chad, if you don't
want me to tell you, l won't tell you,
Change of subject,
[All chuckling]
CHAD: Here's a topic for the Sports Jock,
Arlen High's very own
senior running back, Ricky Suggs,
[Shushing] Everybody drink quiet.
SPORTS JOCK: Oh, yeah,
Four touchdowns last night,
l was at the Arroyo Diner and Ricky was
the only thing anyone was talking about,
That is,
except for the Arroyo's lime ambrosia,
l call that uptown good eating,
CHAD: lf Ricky keeps up this pace,
he'll capture the career touchdown record,
Which, l might add,
has stood for over 20 years,
SPORTS JOCK: lt looks like we've got,,,
our Sports Jock and Chad
''Question of the day, ''
Who currently holds that record?
And here's the tricky part,
What position did he play?
CHAD: Winner gets a Sports Jock T-shirt
and dinner for two at the Arroyo,
SPORTS JOCK: Uptown,
CHAD: We're Sports Jock and Chad,
two faces better off in radio,
We'll be right back,
Yo, man! Dang old Bill Dauterive.
Dang old defensive lineman.
[Theme song]
l don't wanna miss it
if Ricky ties my record.
l'm going to the little lineman's room now.
DALE: This record is all Bill's got.
Should we rock-paper-scissor to see...
who keeps him from killing himself
in the bathroom?
Well, he seems okay.
ANNOUNCER: lnterception!
Who is it? l'm out of focus.
Focus me, Hank.
lt's Ricky.
He's gonna take it back all the way.
[Whistle blowing]
[Crowd cheering]
Way to go, Ricky!
ANNOUNCER: And that ties the record
for career touchdowns,,,
currently held by class of '7 4's
Bill Dauterive,,,
who's here in the stands tonight,
Let's give them both a hand,
[Crowd applauding]
[Crowd cheering]
BlLL: You're the man, Ricky!
HANK: Well, l don't think
we have to worry about Bill.
l've never done a radio interview before...
but hardly a week goes by
that l don't do a telephone survey...
about my long-distance service.
Bill, l'm not trying to make you nervous...
but this is the Sports Jock and Chad.
No, l just see it
like talking to some old friends.
Excuse me.
[Bill vomiting]
[Bill coughing]
Maybe l need a mint.
[Telephone ringing]
HANK: Okay, this is it.
[Echoing] Hello, Sports Jock.
Hello, Chad.
SPORTS JOCK: [Echoing] We got a little
feedback here, ls your radio on, Bill?
Say no.
SPORTS JOCK: lt would just
tear me up if some,,,
young buck was about to get my record,
Some folks drink,
but l find what's best for what ails me,,,
is to head on down to the Arroyo Diner
for their delicious chicken-fried steak,,,
just sopping in cream gravy,
CHAD: That is uptown,
CHAD: But let's get back to Bill,
BlLL: l like the yam biscuits.
SPORTS JOCK: Bill, our listeners
wanna hear about your record,
Oh, yeah.
lt was 1974.
We were playing the Wahachie Cowboys.
The ball was on the three-yard line
with five seconds left.
We needed a touchdown to win,
and that's when Coach called for...
The Billdozer.
[Hard rock instrumental music]
[Crowd cheering]
BOOMHAUER: Dang old set, man.
Take a hike.
[Grunting]
[Whistle blowing]
[Crowd cheering excitedly]
Yeah. Chipped my spine on that play.
[Band playing traditional game music]
HANK: Well, look at Bill. Lucky dog.
HANK: You know,
the principal comped his ticket.
Almost makes me wish some kid
would make a run at one of my records.
[Laughing]
Won't ever happen.
ANNOUNCER: Ricky Suggs
gets the hand-off,
This could be it,
Oh, what a hit!
Suggs is down,
[Moans]
HANK: Looks like it's his knee.
Boy, if he wasn't playing on
Saint Augustine grass, l'd....
l don't even wanna think about it.
[Somber instrumental music]
Way to go!
For a second,
l thought l was the only one...
who was happy about Ricky being hurt.
She said it.
[Rock 'n' roll music playing]
Ricky Suggs, l was so sorry
to hear about your injury.
Torn ACL?
You are lucky you are not a horse,
young man.
-Doctors say l'm out for the season.
-Oh, please. What do doctors know?
A doctor told me l might not walk again.
Well, not only am l walking,
l hear his marriage has gone south, too.
-Yeah, okay.
-That's the attitude.
Now, get over there and spot me, Ricky.
SPORTS JOCK: That Bennett boy's a horse,
all right, And wait till he hits junior high,
CHAD: Oh, yeah, he can play football,
Sports Jock, this is not a rumor,
Ricky Suggs, back in action this Friday,
SPORTS JOCK: Funk and Wagnall!
He'll be going for the touchdown record
against Hentaff,
That kid is uptown all the way,
One week after a torn ACL.
Only Ricky and l know
how tough it is to get this far.
He won't let anything stand in his way.
And l remember hemorrhage...
and embolism, even detached retina.
lt sounded scary.
But when you smell the goal line...
they're only words, just words.
[Bill sighing]
HANK: Let's get moving.
Why are you in such a hurry
to witness Bill's soul-shattering collapse...
when Ricky Suggs crosses that goal line?
Have you been talking to Dale?
Because he's saying the same thing.
You both think Bill will be depressed.
Well, l tell you what.
l am impressed with the way
Bill has handled this...
with sportsmanship and dignity.
Does this finger go
with these short pants?
You the man!
[Band playing traditional game music]
l'm sorry, l got cotton candy in your hair.
ANNOUNCER: And Arlen
has a first and goal,
Time out for a substitution,
lt's Ricky Suggs coming in
to break the record,,,
for most career touchdowns,
[Heroic instrumental music]
HANK: What a competitor.
Look at him. He can barely walk.
l tell you what.
lf that boy doesn't make it in the NFL...
he's got a job at Strickland Propane...
pending Mr. Strickland's approval.
CROWD: [Chanting] Ricky!
Hut, hike!
FOOTBALL PLAYER: Go, Ricky.
[Ricky moans]
[Gasping]
Thanks.
[Crowd cheering]
Nobody's trying to tackle him.
They're letting him score.
ANNOUNCER: Ricky Suggs!
The new touchdown record holder!
Now they're carrying him in
for the two-point conversion,
Too much!
May God have mercy on you all.
ANNOUNCER: Now that Ricky
has broken the record,,,
Arlen will allow Hentaff
to score a make-up touchdown,
l'd like to thank everyone
who made this possible,
My coach, God, and the school board,
l also wanna thank Mr, Devatrove,,,
for taking such good care
of the trophy ball,
[Mumbling incoherently]
Said ''yup.''
Bill, there's being a good sport,
and then there's just plain being cheated.
l don't know.
Everybody seemed real happy
about Ricky breaking the record.
Oh, man, it's dang old 6:00 sharp, man.
Dang old Sports Jock
and Chad will come on.
SPORTS JOCK: Don't say the Sports Jock
should be fitted for a skirt,,,
and some of them pretty hoop earrings,
But l got a tear in my eye last night
watching Ricky break that record,
HANK: The Sports Jock, maybe, but Chad?
CHAD: There wasn't a dry eye,,,,
[Hank sighs disappointedly]
Come on. lsn't anyone gonna say
what we all better be thinking?
lt's an outrage?
That's right, Dale.
l am outraged!
l really am.
Bill, if we feel this cheated,
l can't imagine how bad you must feel.
l feel bad l couldn't help Ricky
across the line, of course.
-For the love of--
-You don't understand.
You know, l never really appreciated
my record until Ricky broke it.
l think l'll send him a thank-you note.
Yeah.
No. You know what l'm gonna do?
l'm gonna bake him some muffins.
Yeah, some....
All right, then, l'll see you tomorrow.
[Sentimental instrumental music]
[Oven timer dings]
[Sighs]
Well, l'll still listen to the traffic
and weather report.
And the fishing report, but that's it.
l have had it with the Sports Jerk...
and Chad.
Hank, facts are facts.
That boy would have blown the old record
out of the water if he wasn't hurt.
CLERK: l don't know
why you're so mad, Hank.
lf the fat bald guy who had the record
doesn't care, why should you?
His name is Bill. You played on his team.
That was Bill? Good lord.
Mega Lo screws? Hank.
l couldn't give
the hardware store my business.
Not with Ricky Suggs fever
infecting the place.
952, 953....
l'm setting a new world's record.
Well, that's real good, Bobby, but l think
you have to start over when you fall off.
l'll be honest with you, Dad.
l'm not in the best shape,
and this is the only way l'm gonna make it.
[Grunts]
Nine hundred fifty....
Wait, how many was that?
Let's call it an even 1,000.
Dang it, Bobby!
That's not how you set a record.
Okay.
One.
[Panting]
Oh, forget it.
That Ricky Suggs.
l can't believe they let him
limp his way into the record book.
Poor Bill.
He was living in his past
and that boy has stolen it.
Where is Bill supposed to live now?
HANK: Mr. Chairman,
l'd like to respectfully suggest...
that you put an asterisk next to
Ricky Suggs' name in the record book.
And that asterisk should read:
''This record was attained
by means of fraud...
''and bad sportsmanship.''
Thank you.
That suggestion is denied, Mr. Hill.
Ricky Suggs is an inspiration to us all.
Now, on to more important matters,
My motion to add
''fatty-fatty-boom-ballatty''...
to the list of unacceptable hate speech.
[Sentimental instrumental music]
HANK: Remember when we used to
run wind sprints out here...
till we couldn't stop throwing up?
[Bill mumbling in agreement]
BlLL: When we were kings, Hank.
HANK: You okay?
BlLL: Sure.
Good sport doesn't whine
when things don't go his way.
Yeah, but good sports play by the rules.
You did. They didn't.
HANK: How about that time
we snuck into the stadium...
and mowed the whole field
before the groundskeeper could?
[Hank laughs]
The look on his face
right before we apologized.
Yeah. We were crazy.
l can thank the Army
for straightening me out.
Yeah. You were a changed man
when you came back.
Oh, yeah.
l may not have made it to Vietnam...
since the war ended
right after l volunteered.
But barber school at Fort Bragg...
baptism by fire, my friend.
HANK: lt's too bad you had to ship out
before the end of our last season.
BlLL: The country needed barbers
and l was flunking trigonometry.
You weren't around at graduation.
Or senior prom.
Was there dancing?
Coach, what happens if a player
gets injured or can't finish his season?
We red-shirt him and then let him
make up the games the next season.
-What if he's out for a couple seasons?
-As long as he hasn't graduated...
he keeps his eligibility
and plays the next season.
What if he's out for 25 seasons?
Oh, Hank, find a pick-up game.
l am talking about
William Fontaine Delatur Dauterive.
The Billdozer.
He still has red-shirt eligibility.
HANK: He didn't finish his senior season
and you can put him in Friday's game.
You're asking me to slice
another piece of phony-baloney...
like they made me at last week's game?
No, l'm not asking you to fix the game.
l'm asking you to fix an injustice.
Just put Bill in and let him
get his record back fair and square.
Let's show those kids
how we used to play football.
l'd have to cut somebody.
You got that exchange student
who kicks barefoot.
l think we've all had enough of that.
l can play again?
Thank God l never graduated
from high school.
Do l have to go to class, too?
Come on, Bill, you're on the football team.
Just like the old days.
[Fast-paced instrumental music]
There it is. My old uniform.
Haven't worn it
since my 30th birthday party.
Suit up, Billdozer.
[Growls]
Hank, how did my head get so fat?
[Clears throat]
l don't know, Hank.
l'm still an athlete. l've got my pride.
l'm not sure how l feel about
the other team just rolling over for me.
Don't you worry about that.
Belton has the toughest
defensive line in the division.
You know the whole first string
flunked history last year...
so they could come back and go to State?
They'll never roll over.
Good.
HANK: Bobby, success on the field
depends on hard work off the field.
That's why l run a tough practice,
but a fun practice.
Now, watch this.
-Hey, Bill, what's that over there?
-Where?
[Chuckles]
Made you look.
Okay. Let's hit the tackling sled.
Bobby, go help Boomhauer.
[Groans]
Go, Bill!
Okay, Bobby, start taunting.
Hey, batter, batter, swing--
Wait. No.
Come on, you old tub of slop!
Move your can.
[Moaning and groaning]
Oh, man!
[Gasping]
That's it, Hank. This Billdozer's out of gas.
l can either train or l can play...
but l can't do both.
All right. Hit the showers.
-Too tired.
-l'll get the hose.
When l crossed that goal line
and set the record,,,
l didn't do it just for me,
l did it for my girlfriend,
-l love you, Ricky.
-l love you, Ricky.
And for everyone here at Arlen High,
Except for Old Man Crybaby,
Probably gonna cost us the game,
Whoa ! Okay, thank you, Ricky.
BOY 1 : Ricky Suggs!
Okay now, settle down, class of '01,
We have a new addition to the team,
GlRL: Get off!
This guy was setting football records
before you were born,
He fought for your freedom
in North Carolina during 'Nam,
l'm honored to introduce The Billdozer!
BlLL: Arlen's number one!
Hey, where's the party tonight?
Anyone's parents out of town?
BOY 2: Loser!
Hey, my parents aren't even alive,
Party at my place! Yeah!
Okay,
COACH: Okay, everybody, huddle up.
[Singing] Arlen High, we honor thee
The legacy of bravery
Come on, guys.
Too cool to sing the school song?
We changed it back in '97.
lt's Candle in the Wind now.
Marilyn Monroe or England's Rose?
Let's see some blocking now.
Set, hike.
[Players groaning]
ANNOUNCER: Arlen to punt the ball,
lf we could just get into scoring position,
we'd get to see Bill put in the game.
[Whistle blowing]
Don't have a heart attack, mister.
Aspirin this morning, red wine last night.
Don't worry about me.
[Crowd cheering]
Fumble-laya.
Sure is, Bobby,
and Arlen's in scoring position.
Okay, Bill, we may not have their youth
or speed...
or performance-enhancing drugs.
But we got something they don't. Guts.
Now, go out there
and get us a touchdown, Billdozer.
[Growling]
l guess we're giving it to Mr. Dauterive.
Just don't step on me.
ANNOUNCER: Now in the
backfield for Arlen,,,
bringing the number 72 out of retirement,,,
Army Sergeant Barber Bill
''The Billdozer''Dauterive,
[All growling]
Hey, that's The Billdozer growl.
l think that's The Billdozer.
Down. Set. Hike.
[Growling]
[lntense instrumental music]
l'm open!
No!
[Dramatic instrumental music]
[Whistle blowing]
REFEREE: Touchdown!
[Crowd cheering and applauding]
No fair!
Asterisk!
Way to go, Mr. Dauterive!
My dad said you were good.
You did it, Bill. Way to go.
l scored for Arlen?
Yes. And you tied the record.
There's still time on the clock.
lf Arlen gets the ball again,
you can get the record back.
When Ricky tied my record,
he did it fair and square.
l'm honored to share it with him.
[Moans]
Besides, l can't get up.
[Sentimental instrumental music]
Thank you, Hank.
l couldn't have done this without you.
No, sir. You the man.
No, you the man.
l can't point, Hank.
That's okay.
Don't look down at your leg.
[Soulful instrumental music]
SPORTS JOCK: lt'll be a battle all right,
CHAD: They want revenge for that
butt-whipping they got served up last year,
SPORTS JOCK: That coach should have
Dauterive give them their half-time speech,
l've never seen anything like him,
Heart like a lion,
Old-time football,
l thought he was dead
when they wheeled him off the field,
Then, just two hours later,
he was eating jalapeño cornbread,,,
at the Arroyo Diner,
That man is uptown, No doubt about it,
[Bill panting]
[Bill muttering]
[Theme music]
Twenty biology quizzes
and not one smiley face.
Their grades are plummeting even faster
than l did when l fell out of that airplane.
Peggy, remember the therapist
said to go easy on your spine.
You may want to shorten
your back swing on those check marks.
Hank, the best therapy for my back...
will be lifting my third straight
Substitute Teacher of the Year award...
high above my head in triumph.
[Exclaims in pain]
Falling from that plane
may have broken my spine...
but it could not break my teaching bone.
No, not even if one existed.
Mom, l think you're using
the English key to mark the bio tests.
Well, yes.
l'm not used to teaching
so much non-Spanish.
Come on, Peggy Hill.
Rookie mistake. Get it together.
l don't have the bio answer key.
Bobby, find me a frog.
l would suggest you bleed out
the excess pressure in the bypass line...
HANK: because if you don't have--
STRlCKLAND: ls that a business call?
Not strictly, no.
Hank, when was the last time
you took a day off?
l took a day off when Bobby was born,
but l wasn't really sick.
SPORTS JOCK: Sports Jock,
CHAD: And Chad, We're back,
Now, don't tell me
Sports Jock took Pickins over Curney?
SPORTS JOCK: Chad, if you don't
want me to tell you, l won't tell you,
Change of subject,
[All chuckling]
CHAD: Here's a topic for the Sports Jock,
Arlen High's very own
senior running back, Ricky Suggs,
[Shushing] Everybody drink quiet.
SPORTS JOCK: Oh, yeah,
Four touchdowns last night,
l was at the Arroyo Diner and Ricky was
the only thing anyone was talking about,
That is,
except for the Arroyo's lime ambrosia,
l call that uptown good eating,
CHAD: lf Ricky keeps up this pace,
he'll capture the career touchdown record,
Which, l might add,
has stood for over 20 years,
SPORTS JOCK: lt looks like we've got,,,
our Sports Jock and Chad
''Question of the day, ''
Who currently holds that record?
And here's the tricky part,
What position did he play?
CHAD: Winner gets a Sports Jock T-shirt
and dinner for two at the Arroyo,
SPORTS JOCK: Uptown,
CHAD: We're Sports Jock and Chad,
two faces better off in radio,
We'll be right back,
Yo, man! Dang old Bill Dauterive.
Dang old defensive lineman.
[Theme song]
l don't wanna miss it
if Ricky ties my record.
l'm going to the little lineman's room now.
DALE: This record is all Bill's got.
Should we rock-paper-scissor to see...
who keeps him from killing himself
in the bathroom?
Well, he seems okay.
ANNOUNCER: lnterception!
Who is it? l'm out of focus.
Focus me, Hank.
lt's Ricky.
He's gonna take it back all the way.
[Whistle blowing]
[Crowd cheering]
Way to go, Ricky!
ANNOUNCER: And that ties the record
for career touchdowns,,,
currently held by class of '7 4's
Bill Dauterive,,,
who's here in the stands tonight,
Let's give them both a hand,
[Crowd applauding]
[Crowd cheering]
BlLL: You're the man, Ricky!
HANK: Well, l don't think
we have to worry about Bill.
l've never done a radio interview before...
but hardly a week goes by
that l don't do a telephone survey...
about my long-distance service.
Bill, l'm not trying to make you nervous...
but this is the Sports Jock and Chad.
No, l just see it
like talking to some old friends.
Excuse me.
[Bill vomiting]
[Bill coughing]
Maybe l need a mint.
[Telephone ringing]
HANK: Okay, this is it.
[Echoing] Hello, Sports Jock.
Hello, Chad.
SPORTS JOCK: [Echoing] We got a little
feedback here, ls your radio on, Bill?
Say no.
SPORTS JOCK: lt would just
tear me up if some,,,
young buck was about to get my record,
Some folks drink,
but l find what's best for what ails me,,,
is to head on down to the Arroyo Diner
for their delicious chicken-fried steak,,,
just sopping in cream gravy,
CHAD: That is uptown,
CHAD: But let's get back to Bill,
BlLL: l like the yam biscuits.
SPORTS JOCK: Bill, our listeners
wanna hear about your record,
Oh, yeah.
lt was 1974.
We were playing the Wahachie Cowboys.
The ball was on the three-yard line
with five seconds left.
We needed a touchdown to win,
and that's when Coach called for...
The Billdozer.
[Hard rock instrumental music]
[Crowd cheering]
BOOMHAUER: Dang old set, man.
Take a hike.
[Grunting]
[Whistle blowing]
[Crowd cheering excitedly]
Yeah. Chipped my spine on that play.
[Band playing traditional game music]
HANK: Well, look at Bill. Lucky dog.
HANK: You know,
the principal comped his ticket.
Almost makes me wish some kid
would make a run at one of my records.
[Laughing]
Won't ever happen.
ANNOUNCER: Ricky Suggs
gets the hand-off,
This could be it,
Oh, what a hit!
Suggs is down,
[Moans]
HANK: Looks like it's his knee.
Boy, if he wasn't playing on
Saint Augustine grass, l'd....
l don't even wanna think about it.
[Somber instrumental music]
Way to go!
For a second,
l thought l was the only one...
who was happy about Ricky being hurt.
She said it.
[Rock 'n' roll music playing]
Ricky Suggs, l was so sorry
to hear about your injury.
Torn ACL?
You are lucky you are not a horse,
young man.
-Doctors say l'm out for the season.
-Oh, please. What do doctors know?
A doctor told me l might not walk again.
Well, not only am l walking,
l hear his marriage has gone south, too.
-Yeah, okay.
-That's the attitude.
Now, get over there and spot me, Ricky.
SPORTS JOCK: That Bennett boy's a horse,
all right, And wait till he hits junior high,
CHAD: Oh, yeah, he can play football,
Sports Jock, this is not a rumor,
Ricky Suggs, back in action this Friday,
SPORTS JOCK: Funk and Wagnall!
He'll be going for the touchdown record
against Hentaff,
That kid is uptown all the way,
One week after a torn ACL.
Only Ricky and l know
how tough it is to get this far.
He won't let anything stand in his way.
And l remember hemorrhage...
and embolism, even detached retina.
lt sounded scary.
But when you smell the goal line...
they're only words, just words.
[Bill sighing]
HANK: Let's get moving.
Why are you in such a hurry
to witness Bill's soul-shattering collapse...
when Ricky Suggs crosses that goal line?
Have you been talking to Dale?
Because he's saying the same thing.
You both think Bill will be depressed.
Well, l tell you what.
l am impressed with the way
Bill has handled this...
with sportsmanship and dignity.
Does this finger go
with these short pants?
You the man!
[Band playing traditional game music]
l'm sorry, l got cotton candy in your hair.
ANNOUNCER: And Arlen
has a first and goal,
Time out for a substitution,
lt's Ricky Suggs coming in
to break the record,,,
for most career touchdowns,
[Heroic instrumental music]
HANK: What a competitor.
Look at him. He can barely walk.
l tell you what.
lf that boy doesn't make it in the NFL...
he's got a job at Strickland Propane...
pending Mr. Strickland's approval.
CROWD: [Chanting] Ricky!
Hut, hike!
FOOTBALL PLAYER: Go, Ricky.
[Ricky moans]
[Gasping]
Thanks.
[Crowd cheering]
Nobody's trying to tackle him.
They're letting him score.
ANNOUNCER: Ricky Suggs!
The new touchdown record holder!
Now they're carrying him in
for the two-point conversion,
Too much!
May God have mercy on you all.
ANNOUNCER: Now that Ricky
has broken the record,,,
Arlen will allow Hentaff
to score a make-up touchdown,
l'd like to thank everyone
who made this possible,
My coach, God, and the school board,
l also wanna thank Mr, Devatrove,,,
for taking such good care
of the trophy ball,
[Mumbling incoherently]
Said ''yup.''
Bill, there's being a good sport,
and then there's just plain being cheated.
l don't know.
Everybody seemed real happy
about Ricky breaking the record.
Oh, man, it's dang old 6:00 sharp, man.
Dang old Sports Jock
and Chad will come on.
SPORTS JOCK: Don't say the Sports Jock
should be fitted for a skirt,,,
and some of them pretty hoop earrings,
But l got a tear in my eye last night
watching Ricky break that record,
HANK: The Sports Jock, maybe, but Chad?
CHAD: There wasn't a dry eye,,,,
[Hank sighs disappointedly]
Come on. lsn't anyone gonna say
what we all better be thinking?
lt's an outrage?
That's right, Dale.
l am outraged!
l really am.
Bill, if we feel this cheated,
l can't imagine how bad you must feel.
l feel bad l couldn't help Ricky
across the line, of course.
-For the love of--
-You don't understand.
You know, l never really appreciated
my record until Ricky broke it.
l think l'll send him a thank-you note.
Yeah.
No. You know what l'm gonna do?
l'm gonna bake him some muffins.
Yeah, some....
All right, then, l'll see you tomorrow.
[Sentimental instrumental music]
[Oven timer dings]
[Sighs]
Well, l'll still listen to the traffic
and weather report.
And the fishing report, but that's it.
l have had it with the Sports Jerk...
and Chad.
Hank, facts are facts.
That boy would have blown the old record
out of the water if he wasn't hurt.
CLERK: l don't know
why you're so mad, Hank.
lf the fat bald guy who had the record
doesn't care, why should you?
His name is Bill. You played on his team.
That was Bill? Good lord.
Mega Lo screws? Hank.
l couldn't give
the hardware store my business.
Not with Ricky Suggs fever
infecting the place.
952, 953....
l'm setting a new world's record.
Well, that's real good, Bobby, but l think
you have to start over when you fall off.
l'll be honest with you, Dad.
l'm not in the best shape,
and this is the only way l'm gonna make it.
[Grunts]
Nine hundred fifty....
Wait, how many was that?
Let's call it an even 1,000.
Dang it, Bobby!
That's not how you set a record.
Okay.
One.
[Panting]
Oh, forget it.
That Ricky Suggs.
l can't believe they let him
limp his way into the record book.
Poor Bill.
He was living in his past
and that boy has stolen it.
Where is Bill supposed to live now?
HANK: Mr. Chairman,
l'd like to respectfully suggest...
that you put an asterisk next to
Ricky Suggs' name in the record book.
And that asterisk should read:
''This record was attained
by means of fraud...
''and bad sportsmanship.''
Thank you.
That suggestion is denied, Mr. Hill.
Ricky Suggs is an inspiration to us all.
Now, on to more important matters,
My motion to add
''fatty-fatty-boom-ballatty''...
to the list of unacceptable hate speech.
[Sentimental instrumental music]
HANK: Remember when we used to
run wind sprints out here...
till we couldn't stop throwing up?
[Bill mumbling in agreement]
BlLL: When we were kings, Hank.
HANK: You okay?
BlLL: Sure.
Good sport doesn't whine
when things don't go his way.
Yeah, but good sports play by the rules.
You did. They didn't.
HANK: How about that time
we snuck into the stadium...
and mowed the whole field
before the groundskeeper could?
[Hank laughs]
The look on his face
right before we apologized.
Yeah. We were crazy.
l can thank the Army
for straightening me out.
Yeah. You were a changed man
when you came back.
Oh, yeah.
l may not have made it to Vietnam...
since the war ended
right after l volunteered.
But barber school at Fort Bragg...
baptism by fire, my friend.
HANK: lt's too bad you had to ship out
before the end of our last season.
BlLL: The country needed barbers
and l was flunking trigonometry.
You weren't around at graduation.
Or senior prom.
Was there dancing?
Coach, what happens if a player
gets injured or can't finish his season?
We red-shirt him and then let him
make up the games the next season.
-What if he's out for a couple seasons?
-As long as he hasn't graduated...
he keeps his eligibility
and plays the next season.
What if he's out for 25 seasons?
Oh, Hank, find a pick-up game.
l am talking about
William Fontaine Delatur Dauterive.
The Billdozer.
He still has red-shirt eligibility.
HANK: He didn't finish his senior season
and you can put him in Friday's game.
You're asking me to slice
another piece of phony-baloney...
like they made me at last week's game?
No, l'm not asking you to fix the game.
l'm asking you to fix an injustice.
Just put Bill in and let him
get his record back fair and square.
Let's show those kids
how we used to play football.
l'd have to cut somebody.
You got that exchange student
who kicks barefoot.
l think we've all had enough of that.
l can play again?
Thank God l never graduated
from high school.
Do l have to go to class, too?
Come on, Bill, you're on the football team.
Just like the old days.
[Fast-paced instrumental music]
There it is. My old uniform.
Haven't worn it
since my 30th birthday party.
Suit up, Billdozer.
[Growls]
Hank, how did my head get so fat?
[Clears throat]
l don't know, Hank.
l'm still an athlete. l've got my pride.
l'm not sure how l feel about
the other team just rolling over for me.
Don't you worry about that.
Belton has the toughest
defensive line in the division.
You know the whole first string
flunked history last year...
so they could come back and go to State?
They'll never roll over.
Good.
HANK: Bobby, success on the field
depends on hard work off the field.
That's why l run a tough practice,
but a fun practice.
Now, watch this.
-Hey, Bill, what's that over there?
-Where?
[Chuckles]
Made you look.
Okay. Let's hit the tackling sled.
Bobby, go help Boomhauer.
[Groans]
Go, Bill!
Okay, Bobby, start taunting.
Hey, batter, batter, swing--
Wait. No.
Come on, you old tub of slop!
Move your can.
[Moaning and groaning]
Oh, man!
[Gasping]
That's it, Hank. This Billdozer's out of gas.
l can either train or l can play...
but l can't do both.
All right. Hit the showers.
-Too tired.
-l'll get the hose.
When l crossed that goal line
and set the record,,,
l didn't do it just for me,
l did it for my girlfriend,
-l love you, Ricky.
-l love you, Ricky.
And for everyone here at Arlen High,
Except for Old Man Crybaby,
Probably gonna cost us the game,
Whoa ! Okay, thank you, Ricky.
BOY 1 : Ricky Suggs!
Okay now, settle down, class of '01,
We have a new addition to the team,
GlRL: Get off!
This guy was setting football records
before you were born,
He fought for your freedom
in North Carolina during 'Nam,
l'm honored to introduce The Billdozer!
BlLL: Arlen's number one!
Hey, where's the party tonight?
Anyone's parents out of town?
BOY 2: Loser!
Hey, my parents aren't even alive,
Party at my place! Yeah!
Okay,
COACH: Okay, everybody, huddle up.
[Singing] Arlen High, we honor thee
The legacy of bravery
Come on, guys.
Too cool to sing the school song?
We changed it back in '97.
lt's Candle in the Wind now.
Marilyn Monroe or England's Rose?
Let's see some blocking now.
Set, hike.
[Players groaning]
ANNOUNCER: Arlen to punt the ball,
lf we could just get into scoring position,
we'd get to see Bill put in the game.
[Whistle blowing]
Don't have a heart attack, mister.
Aspirin this morning, red wine last night.
Don't worry about me.
[Crowd cheering]
Fumble-laya.
Sure is, Bobby,
and Arlen's in scoring position.
Okay, Bill, we may not have their youth
or speed...
or performance-enhancing drugs.
But we got something they don't. Guts.
Now, go out there
and get us a touchdown, Billdozer.
[Growling]
l guess we're giving it to Mr. Dauterive.
Just don't step on me.
ANNOUNCER: Now in the
backfield for Arlen,,,
bringing the number 72 out of retirement,,,
Army Sergeant Barber Bill
''The Billdozer''Dauterive,
[All growling]
Hey, that's The Billdozer growl.
l think that's The Billdozer.
Down. Set. Hike.
[Growling]
[lntense instrumental music]
l'm open!
No!
[Dramatic instrumental music]
[Whistle blowing]
REFEREE: Touchdown!
[Crowd cheering and applauding]
No fair!
Asterisk!
Way to go, Mr. Dauterive!
My dad said you were good.
You did it, Bill. Way to go.
l scored for Arlen?
Yes. And you tied the record.
There's still time on the clock.
lf Arlen gets the ball again,
you can get the record back.
When Ricky tied my record,
he did it fair and square.
l'm honored to share it with him.
[Moans]
Besides, l can't get up.
[Sentimental instrumental music]
Thank you, Hank.
l couldn't have done this without you.
No, sir. You the man.
No, you the man.
l can't point, Hank.
That's okay.
Don't look down at your leg.
[Soulful instrumental music]
SPORTS JOCK: lt'll be a battle all right,
CHAD: They want revenge for that
butt-whipping they got served up last year,
SPORTS JOCK: That coach should have
Dauterive give them their half-time speech,
l've never seen anything like him,
Heart like a lion,
Old-time football,
l thought he was dead
when they wheeled him off the field,
Then, just two hours later,
he was eating jalapeño cornbread,,,
at the Arroyo Diner,
That man is uptown, No doubt about it,
[Bill panting]
[Bill muttering]
[Theme music]
Twenty biology quizzes
and not one smiley face.
Their grades are plummeting even faster
than l did when l fell out of that airplane.
Peggy, remember the therapist
said to go easy on your spine.
You may want to shorten
your back swing on those check marks.
Hank, the best therapy for my back...
will be lifting my third straight
Substitute Teacher of the Year award...
high above my head in triumph.
[Exclaims in pain]
Falling from that plane
may have broken my spine...
but it could not break my teaching bone.
No, not even if one existed.
Mom, l think you're using
the English key to mark the bio tests.
Well, yes.
l'm not used to teaching
so much non-Spanish.
Come on, Peggy Hill.
Rookie mistake. Get it together.
l don't have the bio answer key.
Bobby, find me a frog.
l would suggest you bleed out
the excess pressure in the bypass line...
HANK: because if you don't have--
STRlCKLAND: ls that a business call?
Not strictly, no.
Hank, when was the last time
you took a day off?
l took a day off when Bobby was born,
but l wasn't really sick.