King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 4, Episode 5 - Aisle 8A - full transcript
Hank has the misfortune of being left all alone with Connie right when she gets her first period. He tries to handle the situation the best way he knows how, and unfortunately, he doesn't.
LOOK AT HER.
THE RUBBERMASON 170L.
SURE-GRIP HANDLES,
MULTI-TERRAIN TIRES
50-GALLON CAPACITY.
YEAH.
MM-HMM.
[ Mutters ]
GENTLEMEN, THIS TRASH CAN
IS INDESTRUCTIBLE.
YOU CAN TIP IT, YOU CAN
RUN IT OVER WITH YOUR TRUCK
YOU CAN DROP IT FROM THE MOON
AND PROVIDED IT MADE IT
THROUGH THE ATMOSPHERE
IT WOULD HIT THE GROUND,
READY TO ACCEPT YOUR REFUSE.
OOH, HOW MANY BEER CANS
DO YOU THINK SHE CAN HOLD?
A THOUSAND?
SHE CAN HOLD
A THOUSAND BEER CANS
WHEN SHE'S HALF FULL
WITH A THOUSAND BEER CANS.
HEY, I SEE YOU
GET NEW DEEP FRYER.
WELL, ACTUALLY KAHN,
IT'S AN INJECTION MOLDED...
JOKING.
YOU HILLBILLIES CHEW
ON THAT
WHILE I'M JETTING OFF
TO HAWAII
FOR BIGGEST COMPUTER CONVENTION
THERE IS.
SYSTEMS EXPO MAUI,
IN HAWAII.
DANG OL'
HAWAII, MAN.
DANG OL' GRASS
SKIRTS, MAN.
♪ DOOOW, DOOOW, DOOOW ♪
♪ DOOOW, DOOOW, DOOOW. ♪
YEAH, MAN.
THAT'S NOT EVEN
THE BEST PART.
MY BOSS WANTS ME
TO GIVE BIG-TIME SPEECH.
I GET FIVE WHOLE MINUTES.
PEONS ONLY GET THREE.
YOU EVER MAKE
FIVE-MINUTE SPEECH, HANK?
Kahn:
NOOOO!
ONLY THREE.
BABY-SITTER VIOLATE PAROLE?
YEAH, I'D SAY THAT'S AN ISSUE.
KAHN, WE HAVE NO NANNY
FOR CONNIE.
O-O-OH!
CRUEL, CRUEL FATE!
THIS MAUI SPEECH COULD BE
MY STEPPING-STONE
FROM SYSTEMS ANALYST
TO SENIOR SYSTEMS ANALYST.
CONNIE'S OLD ENOUGH
TO STAY BY HERSELF, RIGHT?
NO, KAHN.
MAYBE CONNIE CAN STAY
WITH ONE OF THE NEIGHBORS.
OH... BUT WHICH EVIL
IS LESSER?
( beeping )
( sighs )
THE SMOKE DETECTORS
WORK, KAHN
THE TOILET SEATS
ARE CLAMPED DOWN
AND I PUT NEW, NON-SLIP DAISIES
IN EACH TUB.
SO, ALOHA.
HERE'S CONNIE
BABY-SITTING BOOK.
VERSION 4.0, WITH
SEAFOOD ALLERGY UPGRADE.
EVERYTHING YOU NEED
TO KNOW IS IN HERE.
IT TEACH YOU HOW TO
BE A PARENT THIS WEEK.
WHAT TIME CONNIE SHOULD EAT,
ACCEPTABLE READING MATERIAL...
NEWSWEEK?
HUH. NOT IN THIS HOUSE.
OH, HOW VERY NICE.
YOU INCLUDED RECIPES.
( gasps )
OH, LOOK--
AND PICTURES.
WELL, THAT'S GOOD,
BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT SCRAMBLED EGGS LOOK LIKE.
( horn honking )
OH, THAT'S THE
LIMO TO AIRPORT.
THIS IS
ANTIBACTERIAL
HAND GEL.
LEAVE A THIN,
PROTECTIVE FILM
ON YOU AT ALL TIME.
I SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOUR GIRLFRIEND
IS GOING TO BE
LIVING WITH YOU.
MY PARENTS WON'T EVEN
LET ME GO IN A CHAT ROOM.
I KNOW. AND MY DAD SAID
WE COULD CAMP OUT
IN THE LIVING ROOM--
IN OUR SLEEPING BAGS.
IN... OUR... SLEEPING... BAGS!
YOU'RE GOING TO BE
SEEING EACH OTHER
IN NOTHING
BUT YOUR PAJAMAS.
I NEVER THOUGHT
ABOUT IT LIKE THAT.
OOH.
CHOO-CHOO TRAINS?
OH, MAN!
AH, THE TURTLES.
THESE MAY WORK.
EEK!
MAN, WHAT YOU
DOING, MAN
COMING OVER
LIKE THIS, MAN?
I NEED SOME ADVICE.
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SLEEP IN.
YOU KNOW, IF THERE'S
A GIRL IN THE HOUSE.
YEAH, MAN, I TELL YOU WHAT, MAN.
DANG OL' GIRL IN THE HOUSE
RIGHT NOW, MAN.
UH-HUH. AND WHAT SHOULD I WEAR?
WELL, YOU KNOW,
CAN'T GO WRONG
WITH SILK, MAN.
CAN'T HANDLE FLANNEL,
MAN, DANG OL'
ITCHY BOTTOM, MAN.
SHE WEARS TOP AND
HE WEARS BOTTOM.
YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M SAYING, MAN?
YEAH, I WAS THINKING
THE NINJA TURTLES
WITH... UNDERWEAR.
I TELL YOU WHAT,
MAN, LET ME KNOW, MAN
HOW THAT DANG OL'
WORKS OUT, MAN.
FIRST CALL, MAN.
Bobby:
I ALWAYS PUT MY NAPKIN
ON MY LAP.
I SIT DOWN, BOOM--
ON MY LAP.
( giggles )
THIS IS A GREAT
DINNER, MRS. HILL.
WELL, WE HAVE YOUR MOTHER
TO THANK FOR THAT.
SHE RECOMMENDED THAT I STIR
THE MACARONI WITH A SPOON.
NO MORE BURNED HANDS, HANK.
AND THE STEAK TASTES SO...
CLEAN.
WELL, THAT'S THE PROPANE,
CONNIE.
YOU SEE, IT'S A MUCH SMOOTHER
GRILL THAN CHARCOAL.
AND AT A FRACTION OF THE COST.
YOU KNOW WHAT
I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED?
PROPANE IS CALLED
LIQUID PETROLEUM.
BUT ISN'T IT A GAS, MR. HILL?
PLEASE, CONNIE, CALL ME HANK.
Connie:
...AND MY DAD
JUST CRAWLED
OUT THE WINDOW
AND NEVER PAID.
SO, THIS IS GOSSIP.
( chuckles )
WELL, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.
IF YOU'RE DONE,
MRS. HILL
I'LL TAKE YOUR
PLATE IN WITH MINE.
AND SHE HAS
MANNERS, TOO.
MAY I TAKE THOSE PLATES
OUT OF YOUR WAY, SIR?
AND CAN I TEMPT YOU
WITH SOME TOASTER STRUDELS?
OR ARE WE WATCHING OUR FIGURES?
JUST TAKE THE PLATES, BOBBY.
VERY GOOD, SIR.
( sighs )
THIS IS NICE--
JUST THE TWO OF US
THE SQUEAK OF THE GLOVES
THE LEMONY SMELL.
OH, THERE'S STILL A BIG
HUNK OF FAT ON THIS ONE.
THANKS.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
WE MAKE A GOOD TEAM.
WELL, LET ME HOOK YOU UP
WITH SOME MORE SUDS.
( rapping ):
* MY NAME IS *
WHAT?
♪ MY NAME IS ♪
WHO?
♪ MY NAME IS SLICKA,
SLICKA SLIM SHADY ♪
♪ EXTENDED CLUB MIX ♪
( imitates drum machine )
♪ UH-HUH,
BREAK IT DOWN, UH-HUH ♪
♪ HEY, DEEJAY, EVERYBODY
IS A WICK, WICK, WHACK... ♪
ALL RIGHT, KIDS,
LIGHTS OUT.
GOOD NIGHT,
MR. AND MRS. HILL.
IT'S PRETTY DARK.
ARE YOU SCARED?
IT'S NOT THAT
DARK IN HERE.
OH, BUT, SURE, I COULD
BE A LITTLE SCARED.
I COULD GET
MY NIGHT LIGHT.
NO. THAT'S OKAY, BOBBY.
GOOD NIGHT.
I GUESS
I'M TIRED, TOO.
( bell ringing )
SO, ARE YOUR LIPS NUMB?
A GENTLEMAN
DOES NOT KISS AND TELL.
- YOU CHICKENED OUT.
- YES, SIR, I DID.
NOW SHE'S GOING TO THINK
YOU DON'T LIKE HER.
I KNOW.
DON'T WORRY.
I'M BUSTING A MOVE TONIGHT.
( Bobby yawns )
BOY, I'M SO TIRED.
I'D BETTER HURRY UP
AND GET TO BED
BEFORE I FALL ASLEEP
RIGHT HERE AT THE TABLE.
UGH. HOW MANY COWS
DO YOU PEOPLE EAT IN A YEAR?
WAIT. WE FIGURED THIS OUT ONCE.
CAN I PLEASE
BE EXCUSED?
UH... WELL, SURE.
ME, TOO, PLEASE.
YOU RUSHED OFF
BEFORE DESSERT
AND I TOOK THE LIBERTY
OF SNAGGING US EACH
A PIECE OF BUNDT CAKE.
I JUST BRUSHED MY TEETH.
SO DID I.
IF YOU JUST
BRUSHED YOUR TEETH
THEN WHY ARE YOU GOING
TO EAT BUNDT CAKE?
YOU'RE JUST GOING
TO HAVE TO BRUSH
YOUR TEETH AGAIN.
WHY DON'T YOU
EVER THINK?
( groans )
CONNIE, DO YOU LIKE
YOUR SYRUP WARM OR COLD?
PERSONALLY, I COULD
GO EITHER WAY.
CAN YOU BOTHER SOMEONE ELSE
FOR FIVE MINUTES
SO I CAN GO
TO THE BATHROOM?
YES.
CONNIE, HONEY,
IT'S PAST 8:00 ALREADY.
UM...
I DO NOT KNOW
WHAT SHE'S DOING
IN THERE FOR SO LONG.
I THINK SHE'S TAKING
A BOBBY BREAK.
HANK, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO TAKE CONNIE TO SCHOOL, HONEY.
BOBBY AND I
ARE LATE ALREADY
AND THERE ARE
NO SUBSTITUTE TEACHERS
FOR SUBSTITUTE TEACHERS
WHO ARE LATE.
( groans )
IS MRS. HILL HOME?
NO. SHE LEFT
FOR SCHOOL ALREADY.
I... I'M JUST...
I'M SORRY?
UM, IT'S JUST I... AND I...
HUH?
"MR. HILL, I JUST GOT
MY FIRST PERIOD."
BAAAAAH!
OH, GOD.
I DON'T WANT YOU
TO WORRY ABOUT
A THING, CONNIE.
I PASSED THE OSHA
EMERGENCY MANAGEMENT
COURSE ALL NINE YEARS.
I WAS REQUIRED TO TAKE IT.
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS?
PRETTY SURE.
( groans )
COME ON,
COME ON,
COME ON.
"VACCINATION RECORD."
"COMPLETE LIST
OF PRIME NUMBERS."
DON'T WORRY, CONNIE.
WE'RE GOING TO GET
THROUGH THIS SOMEHOW.
OKAY, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW TO TIE A TOURNIQUET?
NO.
( sobbing )
OH, MAN!
THIS IS THE BEST
SPEECH EVER WRITTEN.
J.F.K. GOT
NOTHING ON ME.
"PROFILES IN JEALOUSY." HA-HA!
YOU NEED TO RELAX, KAHN.
COME.
WE THROW FRISBEE.
WHERE IT LAND, THAT'S
WHERE WE MAKE CRAZY LOVE.
OH, YEAH!
I AM BAD BOY OF
SYSTEMS ANALYSIS.
( cell phone ringing )
Man:
Tom Landry Middle School.
I NEED TO SPEAK
WITH MRS. PEGGY HILL.
I'M SORRY. DISTRICT POLICY
PROHIBITS DISTURBING
A TEACHER IN THE CLASSROOM.
PEGGY IS MY WIFE, AND I WANT
HER DISTURBED RIGHT NOW.
I'll connect you
to her voice mail.
NO, BUT I...
The person you have reached...
Hello. This is Peggy Hill.
I am so sorry
I cannot take your call.
Please leave a message.
...is not available.
To leave a message...
( phone ringing )
HELLO?
HMM...
UM...
Hello?
AAH!
IS SHE GOING TO BE OKAY?
SHE'S GOING TO BE FINE.
I'VE TAKEN CARE
OF THINGS FOR NOW
BUT HERE IS A LIST OF
PRODUCTS FOR CONNIE
WHICH YOU CAN PICK
UP AT ANY PHARMACY.
OH... COULDN'T YOU JUST
GIVE HER THIS STUFF?
YOU ARE A HOSPITAL.
NO. YOU HAVE TO
GO AND BUY THEM.
I MEAN, LET'S SAY
I GOT STITCHES.
YOU MIGHT SEND ME HOME
WITH A BOX OF BAND-AIDS
IF I ASKED FOR THEM,
RIGHT?
BAND-AIDS AREN'T
GOING TO WORK IN
THIS SITUATION.
PLEASE, DON'T
TRY BAND-AIDS.
( groans )
"AISLE 8A."
BOY, WE SURE ARE A LONG WAY
FROM AUTOMOTIVE.
YOU HAVE YOUR LIST?
YES. JUST BECAUSE
I STARTED MY PERIOD
DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T HOLD
ON TO A PIECE OF PAPER.
OKAY, THEN, I'LL JUST, UH,
WAIT RIGHT HERE FOR YOU.
( sighs )
COME ON, CONNIE, PICK SOMETHING.
ANYTHING. DON'T MAKE ME
COME DOWN THERE.
OH...
OH!
AW... NO.
HOLD ON, CONNIE.
THIS REALLY
SUCKS, MR. HILL.
MY MOM TAUGHT
ME NOTHING.
$6.95 FOR ONE
STUPID BOX?!
OH, I ONLY HAVE
FIVE DOLLARS.
CAN I BORROW TWO
STUPID DOLLARS?
IT-IT'S OKAY, CONNIE.
IT'S ON ME.
WE'LL GET YOU
ALL SET UP HERE.
OH... CHUCK.
Connie:
YOU KNOW, MR. HILL
MAYBE THIS ISN'T SUCH
A BIG DEAL AFTER ALL.
NOPE. NOT SUCH
A BIG DEAL.
IN FACT, THIS IS
SUCH A LITTLE DEAL
THAT WE WON'T HAVE TO
TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE.
NOW, HOW DO I CHANGE
ONE OF THESE THINGS?
DUH, INCOMING!
I CAN'T LOOK.
SHE NEVER EVEN GOT TO SEE
HER FIRST TRASH DAY.
( gasps )
HA-HA!
BIG BAD CAN!
WHERE'S BOBBY?
IT'S CONNIE.
HANK, WHAT IS IT!
YOU KNOW,
THE SPECIAL TIME
IN GIRLS' LIVES
AND FRESHNESS
AND ALL THAT?
OH, MY LORD.
OH, POOR CONNIE.
POOR CONNIE? POOR ME.
I HAD TO LEARN ABOUT
MEGA ABSORBENCY.
YOU WENT DOWN AISLE 8A?
WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED
FOR 20 YEARS
AND I CAN'T GET
YOU PAST AISLE 5.
I WASN'T JOYRIDING, PEGGY.
IT WAS A MEDICAL EMERGENCY.
WELL, WHY DIDN'T
YOU CALL ME SOONER?
I TRIED CALLING YOU.
I TRIED CALLING MINH AND KAHN.
I EVEN HUNG UP ON MY OWN MOTHER.
AND SHE'S SUCH A NICE WOMAN.
WELL, HANK, YOU
DID YOUR BEST
BUT I'M IN CHARGE NOW.
YOU KEEP TRYING
MINH AND KAHN.
I'LL TALK TO CONNIE
AND THEN I'LL TALK TO BOBBY.
I DON'T THINK BOBBY
SHOULD KNOW ABOUT THIS.
IT'S BAD ENOUGH
THAT I KNOW ABOUT THIS.
DO YOU WANT TO BE
IN CHARGE, HANK?
NO.
UH-OH.
LAST TIME YOU WERE
WAITING FOR ME
I LEARNED ABOUT
GOLDFISH HEAVEN.
COME ON, BOBBY.
LET'S GO TO WHATABURGER.
ALL RIGHT!
OH, GOD.
WHERE'S LADYBIRD?
I NOW PASS THE TORCH
TO MY GOOD FRIEND
KAHN SOUPHANOUSINPHONE.
( applause )
( cell phone rings )
HELLO?
OH, HANK HILL! WHAT YOU WANT?
KAHN IS AT THE PODIUM!
OH!
Kahn:
GENTLEMEN AND LADIES
OF SYSTEMS ANALYSIS
WHAT REALLY BRING US TOGETHER
HERE?
SYSTEMS OR THE SUNSHINE?
I THINK WE DO BEST TO REMEMBER
THE WORDS OF MAYA ANGELOU...
( screams )
BOBBY, YOU ARE AT AN AGE
NOW WHEN...
WELL, THINGS ARE
STARTING TO CHANGE.
AND, WHILE SOME THINGS ARE
BETTER LEARNED THROUGH GUESSING
OR CERTAIN EDUCATIONAL FILMS
SOME THINGS ARE BETTER LEARNED
FROM YOUR PARENTS.
MOM, WHY DON'T YOU
GATHER YOUR THOUGHTS
WHILE I GET ANOTHER ORDER
OF ONION RINGS.
CONNIE STARTED
HER PERIOD.
WHAT'S THAT, NOW?
SHE HAS TAKEN
HER FIRST STEPS
TO BECOMING A WOMAN.
SHE CAN'T BE A WOMAN.
I'M STILL A KID.
LOOK AT ME.
I EVEN GOT THE KID'S MEAL.
I LOVE THIS TOY!
OH, BOBBY.
HONEY, YOU WILL
CATCH UP EVENTUALLY.
THIS YEAR, NEXT YEAR,
IT DOES NOT MATTER WHEN
BECAUSE YOU
WILL ALWAYS BE
MOMMY'S LITTLE MAN.
( groaning )
SO... CONNIE
YOU WANT TO GO JUMP
OFF THE BIKE RAMP?
NO.
PLAY SOCCER?
NO.
GO SWIMMING AT
THE REC CENTER?
( sighing )
YOU KNOW WHAT I
WANT TO DO, BOBBY?
SIT HERE!
FINE! YOU SIT
ON THAT COUCH!
I'M YOUNG.
I'M YOUNG AND ALIVE
AND I'M GOING OUTSIDE
TO ENJOY LIFE!
WORD IS, CONNIE'S
AUNT FLO IS IN TOWN.
YEAH, PROBABLY BECAUSE
SHE STARTED HER PERIOD.
SHE'S GOT THE CURSE,
AND I THINK I CAUSED IT--
ALL MY HORMONES BEING
TOO CLOSE TO HER HORMONES.
IT'S ALL OVER, BOBBY.
I HEARD
THAT WHEN GIRLS GET THE CURSE
THEY ONLY GO OUT WITH HAIRY
HIGH SCHOOL GUYS WITH CARS.
I'VE GOT PEACH FUZZ AND A BIKE.
WHERE IS MY DAUGHTER?!
I WANT TO WAKE HER UP
FROM THIS CHICKEN-
FRIED NIGHTMARE.
MOM!
DAD!
IT IS VERY NICE
TO SEE YOU AGAIN, KAHN JR.
GO WITH YOUR MOTHER, YES.
YOU KNOW, YOU
CAN THANK ME
FOR TAKING CARE
OF THIS, KAHN.
IT WASN'T EXACTLY EASY.
THANK YOU?
YOU LUCKY I
DON'T SUE YOU.
LUCK HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
YOU'VE GOT NO CASE.
THERE'S STILL TIME.
HURRY.
SHE'S GOT ROOM
FOR THREE MORE.
HEY, MAN, DANG OL', WHAT
YOU DOING, OL' TRASH MAN?
NO TAKIN', I'M 'BOUT
GONNA CALL 911, MAN.
EVERYTHING I LOVE
IS TAKEN FROM ME!
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
SHE WAS MY CAN.
Narrator:
The mother sings a gentle song
welcoming her calf
to a watery new world.
OH, MINH! SHE
DOING IT AGAIN.
HELP ME.
MAKE HER STOP.
I'M ON IT.
( sniffling )
MOM, I WAS REALLY MEAN
TO BOBBY
AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.
HE ANNOYING LITTLE BOY.
MOM!
KAHN JR., YOU HAVE A P.M.S.
IT'S HARD,
BUT VERY EASY TO UNDERSTAND.
YOU JUST YELL AND YELL
OR YOU JUST CRY AND CRY.
BUT IT FEELS LIKE I'M DOING
BOTH OF THOSE AT THE SAME TIME.
CONNIE,
YOU FEEL THINGS MORE NOW.
MAKE SAD MOVIES TRULY EXCELLENT.
YOU WATCH TITANIC
ON THE RIGHT DAY
IT BLOW YOU AWAY.
AND YOU GET INTUITION.
AND I GET TO HAVE BABIES.
WHOA! SLOW DOWN, KAHN JR.
I TELL YOU NOW WHAT
MY MOTHER TOLD ME.
( speaking Laotian )
...BOBBY HILL...
( speaking Laotian )
MOM, YOU DON'T KNOW BOBBY.
HE'S NOT LIKE
ALL THE OTHER BOYS.
ALL MEN ARE THE SAME.
BUT NOW YOU ARE DIFFERENT
AND YOU MUST ACT DIFFERENT,
LIKE AN ADULT.
EXCEPT AT MOVIE THEATER,
WHERE YOU CHILD
AND YOUR FATHER
AND I STUDENTS.
( sighing )
UH... SO, UH...
DR. HERTIG SAYS
YOUR TEETH ARE LOOKING GOOD.
THAT A BOY.
DAD, I THINK
CONNIE IS GOING
TO BREAK UP WITH ME
BECAUSE SHE HATES ME.
SHE DOESN'T HATE YOU.
YES, SHE DOES.
SHE'S NO LONGER THE GIRL
WHO FELL IN LOVE WITH ME.
NOW SHE'S JUST THE WOMAN
WHO YELLS AT ME.
BOBBY, EVERY WOMAN
HAS A PERIOD...
UH, OF TIME, EVERY MONTH...
EVEN MOM?
BOBBY, IF WE'RE GOING
TO GET THROUGH THIS
YOU CANNOT ASK ME
QUESTIONS LIKE THAT.
MY BAD.
NOW, EVERY MONTH
A WOMAN HAS THIS TIME
WHEN SHE GETS VERY
ANGRY AT EVERYTHING.
AND USUALLY
MEN ARE THE EVERYTHING.
IT'S LIKE A TIRE FIRE.
TRYING TO PUT IT OUT
ONLY MAKES IT WORSE.
YOU JUST GOT TO LET IT BURN.
GRAB A BEER AND LET IT BURN.
HANK HILL,
YOU RUIN MY LIFE.
WHAT CAN I
DO FOR YOU?
UH, CONNIE LEFT
SOME THINGS AT MY HOUSE.
I THOUGHT SHE MIGHT
WANT THEM BACK.
HEY, MR. HILL.
THANKS FOR LETTING
ME STAY WITH YOU.
SORRY IT WAS
SO BORING.
( nervous chuckle ):
YEP.
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!
WHY DIDN'T SHE CRY AT YOU?
ALL SHE EVER DOES
IS CRY AT ME.
IT'S NOT FAIR.
I MAKE MORE
MONEY THAN YOU.
I THINK IT'S BEEN
A LONG DAY FOR ALL OF US.
TOMORROW'LL BE EASIER.
FOR ME, ANYWAY.
SURE, EVERYTHING
EASY FOR YOU.
YOU WORLD'S BEST FATHER.
I SEEN THE MUG!
ME?
I'M NOTHING.
I WANT MUG, TOO, HANK HILL.
WELL, I JUST SO
HAPPEN TO HAVE
A BOOK HERE THAT MIGHT
HELP YOU OUT WITH THAT.
OH, AND, UH, I ADDED
AN EXTRA CHAPTER
AT THE BEGINNING.
AISLE 8A?
WHAT IS AISLE 8A?
YOU KNOW, IT'S THE ONE
NEXT TO THE DEODORANTS
AND THE, UH... OINTMENTS.
( groaning )
YEAH, I KNOW.
IS THIS A BAD TIME?
MY MOM SAYS WE SHOULDN'T BE
ALONE TOGETHER ANYMORE
AND THAT YOU ONLY WANT
ONE THING.
DID SHE SAY WHAT THAT WAS?
BECAUSE I AM SO CONFUSED.
ME, TOO.
THIS SUCKS.
SO NOW YOU'RE A WOMAN.
TECHNICALLY, I THINK
I'M ONLY A WOMAN
FOUR DAYS A MONTH.
ONLY FOUR DAYS?
WELL, THAT'S FOR MOST PEOPLE.
BUT YOU'RE SUPER-ORGANIZED.
I BET YOU CAN GET THROUGH IT
IN TWO DAYS.
I DON'T THINK
THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.
( sighing )
YOU KNOW, IF I WAS
BECOMING A MAN
I WOULDN'T DUMP YOU.
I DON'T WANT
TO DUMP YOU, BOBBY.
I STILL WANT TO BE
YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
BUT FOR THOSE FOUR DAYS
WHEN I'M A WOMAN
I DON'T WANT TO BE
ANYWHERE NEAR YOU.
DEAL.
I'LL SEE YOU
IN TWO DAYS!
DO YOU WANT
TO BE IN CHARGE, HANK?
NO.
THE RUBBERMASON 170L.
SURE-GRIP HANDLES,
MULTI-TERRAIN TIRES
50-GALLON CAPACITY.
YEAH.
MM-HMM.
[ Mutters ]
GENTLEMEN, THIS TRASH CAN
IS INDESTRUCTIBLE.
YOU CAN TIP IT, YOU CAN
RUN IT OVER WITH YOUR TRUCK
YOU CAN DROP IT FROM THE MOON
AND PROVIDED IT MADE IT
THROUGH THE ATMOSPHERE
IT WOULD HIT THE GROUND,
READY TO ACCEPT YOUR REFUSE.
OOH, HOW MANY BEER CANS
DO YOU THINK SHE CAN HOLD?
A THOUSAND?
SHE CAN HOLD
A THOUSAND BEER CANS
WHEN SHE'S HALF FULL
WITH A THOUSAND BEER CANS.
HEY, I SEE YOU
GET NEW DEEP FRYER.
WELL, ACTUALLY KAHN,
IT'S AN INJECTION MOLDED...
JOKING.
YOU HILLBILLIES CHEW
ON THAT
WHILE I'M JETTING OFF
TO HAWAII
FOR BIGGEST COMPUTER CONVENTION
THERE IS.
SYSTEMS EXPO MAUI,
IN HAWAII.
DANG OL'
HAWAII, MAN.
DANG OL' GRASS
SKIRTS, MAN.
♪ DOOOW, DOOOW, DOOOW ♪
♪ DOOOW, DOOOW, DOOOW. ♪
YEAH, MAN.
THAT'S NOT EVEN
THE BEST PART.
MY BOSS WANTS ME
TO GIVE BIG-TIME SPEECH.
I GET FIVE WHOLE MINUTES.
PEONS ONLY GET THREE.
YOU EVER MAKE
FIVE-MINUTE SPEECH, HANK?
Kahn:
NOOOO!
ONLY THREE.
BABY-SITTER VIOLATE PAROLE?
YEAH, I'D SAY THAT'S AN ISSUE.
KAHN, WE HAVE NO NANNY
FOR CONNIE.
O-O-OH!
CRUEL, CRUEL FATE!
THIS MAUI SPEECH COULD BE
MY STEPPING-STONE
FROM SYSTEMS ANALYST
TO SENIOR SYSTEMS ANALYST.
CONNIE'S OLD ENOUGH
TO STAY BY HERSELF, RIGHT?
NO, KAHN.
MAYBE CONNIE CAN STAY
WITH ONE OF THE NEIGHBORS.
OH... BUT WHICH EVIL
IS LESSER?
( beeping )
( sighs )
THE SMOKE DETECTORS
WORK, KAHN
THE TOILET SEATS
ARE CLAMPED DOWN
AND I PUT NEW, NON-SLIP DAISIES
IN EACH TUB.
SO, ALOHA.
HERE'S CONNIE
BABY-SITTING BOOK.
VERSION 4.0, WITH
SEAFOOD ALLERGY UPGRADE.
EVERYTHING YOU NEED
TO KNOW IS IN HERE.
IT TEACH YOU HOW TO
BE A PARENT THIS WEEK.
WHAT TIME CONNIE SHOULD EAT,
ACCEPTABLE READING MATERIAL...
NEWSWEEK?
HUH. NOT IN THIS HOUSE.
OH, HOW VERY NICE.
YOU INCLUDED RECIPES.
( gasps )
OH, LOOK--
AND PICTURES.
WELL, THAT'S GOOD,
BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT SCRAMBLED EGGS LOOK LIKE.
( horn honking )
OH, THAT'S THE
LIMO TO AIRPORT.
THIS IS
ANTIBACTERIAL
HAND GEL.
LEAVE A THIN,
PROTECTIVE FILM
ON YOU AT ALL TIME.
I SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOUR GIRLFRIEND
IS GOING TO BE
LIVING WITH YOU.
MY PARENTS WON'T EVEN
LET ME GO IN A CHAT ROOM.
I KNOW. AND MY DAD SAID
WE COULD CAMP OUT
IN THE LIVING ROOM--
IN OUR SLEEPING BAGS.
IN... OUR... SLEEPING... BAGS!
YOU'RE GOING TO BE
SEEING EACH OTHER
IN NOTHING
BUT YOUR PAJAMAS.
I NEVER THOUGHT
ABOUT IT LIKE THAT.
OOH.
CHOO-CHOO TRAINS?
OH, MAN!
AH, THE TURTLES.
THESE MAY WORK.
EEK!
MAN, WHAT YOU
DOING, MAN
COMING OVER
LIKE THIS, MAN?
I NEED SOME ADVICE.
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SLEEP IN.
YOU KNOW, IF THERE'S
A GIRL IN THE HOUSE.
YEAH, MAN, I TELL YOU WHAT, MAN.
DANG OL' GIRL IN THE HOUSE
RIGHT NOW, MAN.
UH-HUH. AND WHAT SHOULD I WEAR?
WELL, YOU KNOW,
CAN'T GO WRONG
WITH SILK, MAN.
CAN'T HANDLE FLANNEL,
MAN, DANG OL'
ITCHY BOTTOM, MAN.
SHE WEARS TOP AND
HE WEARS BOTTOM.
YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M SAYING, MAN?
YEAH, I WAS THINKING
THE NINJA TURTLES
WITH... UNDERWEAR.
I TELL YOU WHAT,
MAN, LET ME KNOW, MAN
HOW THAT DANG OL'
WORKS OUT, MAN.
FIRST CALL, MAN.
Bobby:
I ALWAYS PUT MY NAPKIN
ON MY LAP.
I SIT DOWN, BOOM--
ON MY LAP.
( giggles )
THIS IS A GREAT
DINNER, MRS. HILL.
WELL, WE HAVE YOUR MOTHER
TO THANK FOR THAT.
SHE RECOMMENDED THAT I STIR
THE MACARONI WITH A SPOON.
NO MORE BURNED HANDS, HANK.
AND THE STEAK TASTES SO...
CLEAN.
WELL, THAT'S THE PROPANE,
CONNIE.
YOU SEE, IT'S A MUCH SMOOTHER
GRILL THAN CHARCOAL.
AND AT A FRACTION OF THE COST.
YOU KNOW WHAT
I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED?
PROPANE IS CALLED
LIQUID PETROLEUM.
BUT ISN'T IT A GAS, MR. HILL?
PLEASE, CONNIE, CALL ME HANK.
Connie:
...AND MY DAD
JUST CRAWLED
OUT THE WINDOW
AND NEVER PAID.
SO, THIS IS GOSSIP.
( chuckles )
WELL, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.
IF YOU'RE DONE,
MRS. HILL
I'LL TAKE YOUR
PLATE IN WITH MINE.
AND SHE HAS
MANNERS, TOO.
MAY I TAKE THOSE PLATES
OUT OF YOUR WAY, SIR?
AND CAN I TEMPT YOU
WITH SOME TOASTER STRUDELS?
OR ARE WE WATCHING OUR FIGURES?
JUST TAKE THE PLATES, BOBBY.
VERY GOOD, SIR.
( sighs )
THIS IS NICE--
JUST THE TWO OF US
THE SQUEAK OF THE GLOVES
THE LEMONY SMELL.
OH, THERE'S STILL A BIG
HUNK OF FAT ON THIS ONE.
THANKS.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
WE MAKE A GOOD TEAM.
WELL, LET ME HOOK YOU UP
WITH SOME MORE SUDS.
( rapping ):
* MY NAME IS *
WHAT?
♪ MY NAME IS ♪
WHO?
♪ MY NAME IS SLICKA,
SLICKA SLIM SHADY ♪
♪ EXTENDED CLUB MIX ♪
( imitates drum machine )
♪ UH-HUH,
BREAK IT DOWN, UH-HUH ♪
♪ HEY, DEEJAY, EVERYBODY
IS A WICK, WICK, WHACK... ♪
ALL RIGHT, KIDS,
LIGHTS OUT.
GOOD NIGHT,
MR. AND MRS. HILL.
IT'S PRETTY DARK.
ARE YOU SCARED?
IT'S NOT THAT
DARK IN HERE.
OH, BUT, SURE, I COULD
BE A LITTLE SCARED.
I COULD GET
MY NIGHT LIGHT.
NO. THAT'S OKAY, BOBBY.
GOOD NIGHT.
I GUESS
I'M TIRED, TOO.
( bell ringing )
SO, ARE YOUR LIPS NUMB?
A GENTLEMAN
DOES NOT KISS AND TELL.
- YOU CHICKENED OUT.
- YES, SIR, I DID.
NOW SHE'S GOING TO THINK
YOU DON'T LIKE HER.
I KNOW.
DON'T WORRY.
I'M BUSTING A MOVE TONIGHT.
( Bobby yawns )
BOY, I'M SO TIRED.
I'D BETTER HURRY UP
AND GET TO BED
BEFORE I FALL ASLEEP
RIGHT HERE AT THE TABLE.
UGH. HOW MANY COWS
DO YOU PEOPLE EAT IN A YEAR?
WAIT. WE FIGURED THIS OUT ONCE.
CAN I PLEASE
BE EXCUSED?
UH... WELL, SURE.
ME, TOO, PLEASE.
YOU RUSHED OFF
BEFORE DESSERT
AND I TOOK THE LIBERTY
OF SNAGGING US EACH
A PIECE OF BUNDT CAKE.
I JUST BRUSHED MY TEETH.
SO DID I.
IF YOU JUST
BRUSHED YOUR TEETH
THEN WHY ARE YOU GOING
TO EAT BUNDT CAKE?
YOU'RE JUST GOING
TO HAVE TO BRUSH
YOUR TEETH AGAIN.
WHY DON'T YOU
EVER THINK?
( groans )
CONNIE, DO YOU LIKE
YOUR SYRUP WARM OR COLD?
PERSONALLY, I COULD
GO EITHER WAY.
CAN YOU BOTHER SOMEONE ELSE
FOR FIVE MINUTES
SO I CAN GO
TO THE BATHROOM?
YES.
CONNIE, HONEY,
IT'S PAST 8:00 ALREADY.
UM...
I DO NOT KNOW
WHAT SHE'S DOING
IN THERE FOR SO LONG.
I THINK SHE'S TAKING
A BOBBY BREAK.
HANK, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO TAKE CONNIE TO SCHOOL, HONEY.
BOBBY AND I
ARE LATE ALREADY
AND THERE ARE
NO SUBSTITUTE TEACHERS
FOR SUBSTITUTE TEACHERS
WHO ARE LATE.
( groans )
IS MRS. HILL HOME?
NO. SHE LEFT
FOR SCHOOL ALREADY.
I... I'M JUST...
I'M SORRY?
UM, IT'S JUST I... AND I...
HUH?
"MR. HILL, I JUST GOT
MY FIRST PERIOD."
BAAAAAH!
OH, GOD.
I DON'T WANT YOU
TO WORRY ABOUT
A THING, CONNIE.
I PASSED THE OSHA
EMERGENCY MANAGEMENT
COURSE ALL NINE YEARS.
I WAS REQUIRED TO TAKE IT.
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS?
PRETTY SURE.
( groans )
COME ON,
COME ON,
COME ON.
"VACCINATION RECORD."
"COMPLETE LIST
OF PRIME NUMBERS."
DON'T WORRY, CONNIE.
WE'RE GOING TO GET
THROUGH THIS SOMEHOW.
OKAY, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW TO TIE A TOURNIQUET?
NO.
( sobbing )
OH, MAN!
THIS IS THE BEST
SPEECH EVER WRITTEN.
J.F.K. GOT
NOTHING ON ME.
"PROFILES IN JEALOUSY." HA-HA!
YOU NEED TO RELAX, KAHN.
COME.
WE THROW FRISBEE.
WHERE IT LAND, THAT'S
WHERE WE MAKE CRAZY LOVE.
OH, YEAH!
I AM BAD BOY OF
SYSTEMS ANALYSIS.
( cell phone ringing )
Man:
Tom Landry Middle School.
I NEED TO SPEAK
WITH MRS. PEGGY HILL.
I'M SORRY. DISTRICT POLICY
PROHIBITS DISTURBING
A TEACHER IN THE CLASSROOM.
PEGGY IS MY WIFE, AND I WANT
HER DISTURBED RIGHT NOW.
I'll connect you
to her voice mail.
NO, BUT I...
The person you have reached...
Hello. This is Peggy Hill.
I am so sorry
I cannot take your call.
Please leave a message.
...is not available.
To leave a message...
( phone ringing )
HELLO?
HMM...
UM...
Hello?
AAH!
IS SHE GOING TO BE OKAY?
SHE'S GOING TO BE FINE.
I'VE TAKEN CARE
OF THINGS FOR NOW
BUT HERE IS A LIST OF
PRODUCTS FOR CONNIE
WHICH YOU CAN PICK
UP AT ANY PHARMACY.
OH... COULDN'T YOU JUST
GIVE HER THIS STUFF?
YOU ARE A HOSPITAL.
NO. YOU HAVE TO
GO AND BUY THEM.
I MEAN, LET'S SAY
I GOT STITCHES.
YOU MIGHT SEND ME HOME
WITH A BOX OF BAND-AIDS
IF I ASKED FOR THEM,
RIGHT?
BAND-AIDS AREN'T
GOING TO WORK IN
THIS SITUATION.
PLEASE, DON'T
TRY BAND-AIDS.
( groans )
"AISLE 8A."
BOY, WE SURE ARE A LONG WAY
FROM AUTOMOTIVE.
YOU HAVE YOUR LIST?
YES. JUST BECAUSE
I STARTED MY PERIOD
DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T HOLD
ON TO A PIECE OF PAPER.
OKAY, THEN, I'LL JUST, UH,
WAIT RIGHT HERE FOR YOU.
( sighs )
COME ON, CONNIE, PICK SOMETHING.
ANYTHING. DON'T MAKE ME
COME DOWN THERE.
OH...
OH!
AW... NO.
HOLD ON, CONNIE.
THIS REALLY
SUCKS, MR. HILL.
MY MOM TAUGHT
ME NOTHING.
$6.95 FOR ONE
STUPID BOX?!
OH, I ONLY HAVE
FIVE DOLLARS.
CAN I BORROW TWO
STUPID DOLLARS?
IT-IT'S OKAY, CONNIE.
IT'S ON ME.
WE'LL GET YOU
ALL SET UP HERE.
OH... CHUCK.
Connie:
YOU KNOW, MR. HILL
MAYBE THIS ISN'T SUCH
A BIG DEAL AFTER ALL.
NOPE. NOT SUCH
A BIG DEAL.
IN FACT, THIS IS
SUCH A LITTLE DEAL
THAT WE WON'T HAVE TO
TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE.
NOW, HOW DO I CHANGE
ONE OF THESE THINGS?
DUH, INCOMING!
I CAN'T LOOK.
SHE NEVER EVEN GOT TO SEE
HER FIRST TRASH DAY.
( gasps )
HA-HA!
BIG BAD CAN!
WHERE'S BOBBY?
IT'S CONNIE.
HANK, WHAT IS IT!
YOU KNOW,
THE SPECIAL TIME
IN GIRLS' LIVES
AND FRESHNESS
AND ALL THAT?
OH, MY LORD.
OH, POOR CONNIE.
POOR CONNIE? POOR ME.
I HAD TO LEARN ABOUT
MEGA ABSORBENCY.
YOU WENT DOWN AISLE 8A?
WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED
FOR 20 YEARS
AND I CAN'T GET
YOU PAST AISLE 5.
I WASN'T JOYRIDING, PEGGY.
IT WAS A MEDICAL EMERGENCY.
WELL, WHY DIDN'T
YOU CALL ME SOONER?
I TRIED CALLING YOU.
I TRIED CALLING MINH AND KAHN.
I EVEN HUNG UP ON MY OWN MOTHER.
AND SHE'S SUCH A NICE WOMAN.
WELL, HANK, YOU
DID YOUR BEST
BUT I'M IN CHARGE NOW.
YOU KEEP TRYING
MINH AND KAHN.
I'LL TALK TO CONNIE
AND THEN I'LL TALK TO BOBBY.
I DON'T THINK BOBBY
SHOULD KNOW ABOUT THIS.
IT'S BAD ENOUGH
THAT I KNOW ABOUT THIS.
DO YOU WANT TO BE
IN CHARGE, HANK?
NO.
UH-OH.
LAST TIME YOU WERE
WAITING FOR ME
I LEARNED ABOUT
GOLDFISH HEAVEN.
COME ON, BOBBY.
LET'S GO TO WHATABURGER.
ALL RIGHT!
OH, GOD.
WHERE'S LADYBIRD?
I NOW PASS THE TORCH
TO MY GOOD FRIEND
KAHN SOUPHANOUSINPHONE.
( applause )
( cell phone rings )
HELLO?
OH, HANK HILL! WHAT YOU WANT?
KAHN IS AT THE PODIUM!
OH!
Kahn:
GENTLEMEN AND LADIES
OF SYSTEMS ANALYSIS
WHAT REALLY BRING US TOGETHER
HERE?
SYSTEMS OR THE SUNSHINE?
I THINK WE DO BEST TO REMEMBER
THE WORDS OF MAYA ANGELOU...
( screams )
BOBBY, YOU ARE AT AN AGE
NOW WHEN...
WELL, THINGS ARE
STARTING TO CHANGE.
AND, WHILE SOME THINGS ARE
BETTER LEARNED THROUGH GUESSING
OR CERTAIN EDUCATIONAL FILMS
SOME THINGS ARE BETTER LEARNED
FROM YOUR PARENTS.
MOM, WHY DON'T YOU
GATHER YOUR THOUGHTS
WHILE I GET ANOTHER ORDER
OF ONION RINGS.
CONNIE STARTED
HER PERIOD.
WHAT'S THAT, NOW?
SHE HAS TAKEN
HER FIRST STEPS
TO BECOMING A WOMAN.
SHE CAN'T BE A WOMAN.
I'M STILL A KID.
LOOK AT ME.
I EVEN GOT THE KID'S MEAL.
I LOVE THIS TOY!
OH, BOBBY.
HONEY, YOU WILL
CATCH UP EVENTUALLY.
THIS YEAR, NEXT YEAR,
IT DOES NOT MATTER WHEN
BECAUSE YOU
WILL ALWAYS BE
MOMMY'S LITTLE MAN.
( groaning )
SO... CONNIE
YOU WANT TO GO JUMP
OFF THE BIKE RAMP?
NO.
PLAY SOCCER?
NO.
GO SWIMMING AT
THE REC CENTER?
( sighing )
YOU KNOW WHAT I
WANT TO DO, BOBBY?
SIT HERE!
FINE! YOU SIT
ON THAT COUCH!
I'M YOUNG.
I'M YOUNG AND ALIVE
AND I'M GOING OUTSIDE
TO ENJOY LIFE!
WORD IS, CONNIE'S
AUNT FLO IS IN TOWN.
YEAH, PROBABLY BECAUSE
SHE STARTED HER PERIOD.
SHE'S GOT THE CURSE,
AND I THINK I CAUSED IT--
ALL MY HORMONES BEING
TOO CLOSE TO HER HORMONES.
IT'S ALL OVER, BOBBY.
I HEARD
THAT WHEN GIRLS GET THE CURSE
THEY ONLY GO OUT WITH HAIRY
HIGH SCHOOL GUYS WITH CARS.
I'VE GOT PEACH FUZZ AND A BIKE.
WHERE IS MY DAUGHTER?!
I WANT TO WAKE HER UP
FROM THIS CHICKEN-
FRIED NIGHTMARE.
MOM!
DAD!
IT IS VERY NICE
TO SEE YOU AGAIN, KAHN JR.
GO WITH YOUR MOTHER, YES.
YOU KNOW, YOU
CAN THANK ME
FOR TAKING CARE
OF THIS, KAHN.
IT WASN'T EXACTLY EASY.
THANK YOU?
YOU LUCKY I
DON'T SUE YOU.
LUCK HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
YOU'VE GOT NO CASE.
THERE'S STILL TIME.
HURRY.
SHE'S GOT ROOM
FOR THREE MORE.
HEY, MAN, DANG OL', WHAT
YOU DOING, OL' TRASH MAN?
NO TAKIN', I'M 'BOUT
GONNA CALL 911, MAN.
EVERYTHING I LOVE
IS TAKEN FROM ME!
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
SHE WAS MY CAN.
Narrator:
The mother sings a gentle song
welcoming her calf
to a watery new world.
OH, MINH! SHE
DOING IT AGAIN.
HELP ME.
MAKE HER STOP.
I'M ON IT.
( sniffling )
MOM, I WAS REALLY MEAN
TO BOBBY
AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.
HE ANNOYING LITTLE BOY.
MOM!
KAHN JR., YOU HAVE A P.M.S.
IT'S HARD,
BUT VERY EASY TO UNDERSTAND.
YOU JUST YELL AND YELL
OR YOU JUST CRY AND CRY.
BUT IT FEELS LIKE I'M DOING
BOTH OF THOSE AT THE SAME TIME.
CONNIE,
YOU FEEL THINGS MORE NOW.
MAKE SAD MOVIES TRULY EXCELLENT.
YOU WATCH TITANIC
ON THE RIGHT DAY
IT BLOW YOU AWAY.
AND YOU GET INTUITION.
AND I GET TO HAVE BABIES.
WHOA! SLOW DOWN, KAHN JR.
I TELL YOU NOW WHAT
MY MOTHER TOLD ME.
( speaking Laotian )
...BOBBY HILL...
( speaking Laotian )
MOM, YOU DON'T KNOW BOBBY.
HE'S NOT LIKE
ALL THE OTHER BOYS.
ALL MEN ARE THE SAME.
BUT NOW YOU ARE DIFFERENT
AND YOU MUST ACT DIFFERENT,
LIKE AN ADULT.
EXCEPT AT MOVIE THEATER,
WHERE YOU CHILD
AND YOUR FATHER
AND I STUDENTS.
( sighing )
UH... SO, UH...
DR. HERTIG SAYS
YOUR TEETH ARE LOOKING GOOD.
THAT A BOY.
DAD, I THINK
CONNIE IS GOING
TO BREAK UP WITH ME
BECAUSE SHE HATES ME.
SHE DOESN'T HATE YOU.
YES, SHE DOES.
SHE'S NO LONGER THE GIRL
WHO FELL IN LOVE WITH ME.
NOW SHE'S JUST THE WOMAN
WHO YELLS AT ME.
BOBBY, EVERY WOMAN
HAS A PERIOD...
UH, OF TIME, EVERY MONTH...
EVEN MOM?
BOBBY, IF WE'RE GOING
TO GET THROUGH THIS
YOU CANNOT ASK ME
QUESTIONS LIKE THAT.
MY BAD.
NOW, EVERY MONTH
A WOMAN HAS THIS TIME
WHEN SHE GETS VERY
ANGRY AT EVERYTHING.
AND USUALLY
MEN ARE THE EVERYTHING.
IT'S LIKE A TIRE FIRE.
TRYING TO PUT IT OUT
ONLY MAKES IT WORSE.
YOU JUST GOT TO LET IT BURN.
GRAB A BEER AND LET IT BURN.
HANK HILL,
YOU RUIN MY LIFE.
WHAT CAN I
DO FOR YOU?
UH, CONNIE LEFT
SOME THINGS AT MY HOUSE.
I THOUGHT SHE MIGHT
WANT THEM BACK.
HEY, MR. HILL.
THANKS FOR LETTING
ME STAY WITH YOU.
SORRY IT WAS
SO BORING.
( nervous chuckle ):
YEP.
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!
WHY DIDN'T SHE CRY AT YOU?
ALL SHE EVER DOES
IS CRY AT ME.
IT'S NOT FAIR.
I MAKE MORE
MONEY THAN YOU.
I THINK IT'S BEEN
A LONG DAY FOR ALL OF US.
TOMORROW'LL BE EASIER.
FOR ME, ANYWAY.
SURE, EVERYTHING
EASY FOR YOU.
YOU WORLD'S BEST FATHER.
I SEEN THE MUG!
ME?
I'M NOTHING.
I WANT MUG, TOO, HANK HILL.
WELL, I JUST SO
HAPPEN TO HAVE
A BOOK HERE THAT MIGHT
HELP YOU OUT WITH THAT.
OH, AND, UH, I ADDED
AN EXTRA CHAPTER
AT THE BEGINNING.
AISLE 8A?
WHAT IS AISLE 8A?
YOU KNOW, IT'S THE ONE
NEXT TO THE DEODORANTS
AND THE, UH... OINTMENTS.
( groaning )
YEAH, I KNOW.
IS THIS A BAD TIME?
MY MOM SAYS WE SHOULDN'T BE
ALONE TOGETHER ANYMORE
AND THAT YOU ONLY WANT
ONE THING.
DID SHE SAY WHAT THAT WAS?
BECAUSE I AM SO CONFUSED.
ME, TOO.
THIS SUCKS.
SO NOW YOU'RE A WOMAN.
TECHNICALLY, I THINK
I'M ONLY A WOMAN
FOUR DAYS A MONTH.
ONLY FOUR DAYS?
WELL, THAT'S FOR MOST PEOPLE.
BUT YOU'RE SUPER-ORGANIZED.
I BET YOU CAN GET THROUGH IT
IN TWO DAYS.
I DON'T THINK
THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.
( sighing )
YOU KNOW, IF I WAS
BECOMING A MAN
I WOULDN'T DUMP YOU.
I DON'T WANT
TO DUMP YOU, BOBBY.
I STILL WANT TO BE
YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
BUT FOR THOSE FOUR DAYS
WHEN I'M A WOMAN
I DON'T WANT TO BE
ANYWHERE NEAR YOU.
DEAL.
I'LL SEE YOU
IN TWO DAYS!
DO YOU WANT
TO BE IN CHARGE, HANK?
NO.