King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 3, Episode 7 - Nine Pretty Darn Angry Men - full transcript

Good old mason 1500.

Handles like
the day I bought her.

I tell you what,

this is the only mower
i'd want with me

if I were ever stranded on a desert island.

You are gonna kill

at that lawn mower
focus group tomorrow, hank.

Now, dale, a focus group
is not a competition.

It's a chance for the informed
lawn mower consumer

to give valuable input
to the mason corporation

in a comfortable
mall setting.



Well, I think it's just an honor
to be invited.

You know, I'll tell you why
we've gotta go tomorrow.

Look at your average
pickup truck.

With air bags
and vanity mirrors,

it's one focus group away from turning
into a powder room.

We can't let that happen
to the mason 1500.

We sure can't,can we?

[sighs]

bill, the only reason

I invited dale and boomhauer
and not you

is 'cause you're coming over
for thanksgiving dinner,

and I didn't want
you to get sick of me.

[tittering]

oh, hank, I will
never be sick of you.



Not even when we're sharing a cloud in heaven.

[sighing]

all right,you can come.

But when I make a point,
just nod.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

(tilly)
hank, you asked me
to tell you

when celine dion
is off the field. She's off.

(hank)
thanks, mom.

[sighs]

aren't moms great?

(both)
yeah, they are.
Uh-huh

I tell you what
i'm thankful for

that it's my mom's turn to spend thanksgiving
with us.

She eats the dark meat
and doesn't complain.

Boy, I tell you, she..

What the...

You lawn jockeys
were standing here

when I left 2 months ago.
Pathetic!

Dad, you came
last thanksgiving.

This year it's
mom's turn, remember?

Well, I don't want
to cause any fuss.

Your mother can
eat in the yard!

Now, in addition
to all the things

we normally don't talk about
in front of my dad,

let me add my mason compan
y focus group.

How could you be worried
about this focus group?

Your father is gonna ruin
this thanksgiving

as surely as squanto and his band of indians
ruined the first one.

[gasps]

oh, will you
look at the time.

We've got to get
this dinner on the table

because we are getting up
at 4:00 tomorrow morning.

huh?

It is a 2-hour
drive to the mall,

and I want us there right
when the doors open.

I have never gotten up
that early in my life

unless fish were involved.

Hank, the day after thanksgiving is,
in my opinion,

the biggest shopping day
of the year.

And I will not spend another year
giving dallas mavericks crap

because the cowboys stuff
was all sold out.

So I want us
in bed by 7:30.

I won't be able
to fall asleep that early.

You are not
even trying.

Have another beer.

Oh, well,
it's worth a shot.

(hank)
dear lord, we are grateful
that cotton has forgotten

our carefully worked-out
holiday parent-rotation schedule,

so that we may all be together
on this day. Amen.

(all)
amen.

[burping]

tilly, did you
make this stuffing?

'cause it tastes
like garbage!

Uh, dad.

Did I ever tell you
about the time

she tried to poison me
with her baked chicken?

Oh, it was
chicken almondine.

It was cyanide, woman!

Uh, dad,
could you please

show mom some respect
while bobby's in the room?

You heard him, bobby.
Leave the room.

(hank)
no, sit down, bobby.

Could you at least
respect grandmom

until we get to dessert?

Didi's your grandmom,
too, bobby.

Your pretty grandmom.dad.

'course, bad as tilly
was in the kitchen,

she was even
worse in the bedroom!

[gasps]

[grunts]

I said, the woman was lousy
in the sack.

[sighing]

[sighing]

to the stuffing.

Might taste like garbage,
but it sure fills you up.

Come on, peggy. Turn off
your itty-bitty headlamp,

and let's get some sleep.

This is 6 malls
over texas, hank.

If you go unprepared,
it will eat you alive.

(tilly)
goodnight, peggy.

That was a lovely dinner.

Goodnight, son.

hmm.

Well, mom seemed
to enjoy herself tonight.

You defended troy aikman
more than you defended your mother.

Mom knows
how it is with dad.

And there were
6 dropped passes.

All troy can do
is get it there.

[scissors snipping]

ok, everyone,
follow my beam.

Hurry carefully.

(cotton)
good morning.

I hopes we wasn't
too loud last night.

Just so you know,
you kids are on your own today.

I'm taking bobby
ice-skating at the mall.

We're gonna
go meet guys.

I'm the bait.

What?
Guys love single moms.

[cotton exclaiming]

(cotton)
I forgot how much
old ladies stink.

Good god, you've got
a fat neck, hank!

So, dad, I thought
we'd split up at the mall.

Oh, are you gonna
talk the whole way?

[music playing]

(cotton)
i'm gonna head down
to the corn dog shack

and watch the girlies
make lemonade.

[people chattering]

goodbye, peggy

no time.

Oh, fire truck!

Hi, how long
would it take

to glue a rubber sole
back on a lady's loafer?

5 minutes.

Lady's loafer?
That's a men's loafer.

It is a uni-loafer.

Uh, have it your way.

This is gonna
take a while.

[sighing]

hmm.

(kahn)
hey, here come
leftover turkeys.

[laughing]

oh, hell, you're here?

I am everywhere
you want to be, hank hill.

I'm jonathan burrows,
your moderator.

My research associates and I
at research associates

have only one client:
the american consumer.

Yes, we're being paid
by the mason corporation.

But we are paid
to be independent.

(dale)
i'll do all the talkin'.

(bill)
all right.
What's the matter?

We may or may not have run into your dad
in the men's room,

and we may or may not
have told him

that we were being paid $50 to participate
in a focus group.

Mostly, may.

[sighs]

dad, that was a close one.

[tittering]

now what you're
gonna want to do

is turn around,
head out the door,

and well, once
you're out the door

there really
is no wrong turn.

Out of my way.

[sighs]

damn.

Why don't we start
by introducing ourselves?

Kahn souphanousinphone

I am system analyst.

So that's what you do.

What kind of systems?

Oh, why bother explain?

you're already
in over your head.

You, sir.

Uh, lane pretly.I own pretly ford,
pretly hyundai,

and I got my eye
on pretly cadillac.

My daddy ain't
doing so good.

Hey, you sold me
an escort once.

[moans]

boyce hubert, minister,

although I've lost my faith.

'course,
I did find a pretty great
parking space on my way in.

But the lord works
in such mysterious ways,

who the hell knows?

Uh, my name's hank hill
and I--

He runs a gas station. Next.

I'm cotton hill.
I killed 50 men.

Is that a real computer?

yes.

Oh, in that case,

my name is
rusty shackelford.

Shackelford.

You can just go ahead
and call me boomhauer, man.

You know,that dang old last name,
you know, meathead.

Did a lot of
different things.

Had a job back
there in that company.

Settlement, man.
Old workers' comp, too, man.

It's tax-free, man.

Ok. Uh, you, sir.

I'm bill dauterive

i'm a sergeant barber
in the united states army.

I'm 5'8.75" tall.

My wife, lenore,
divorced me

in the year of our lord 1991.

That's about it.

Super.What a fine lot you are.

And now I'd like
to direct your attention

to the best that the mason corporation
has to offer.

That's my mower,
the mason 1500.

[all exclaim]

the mason 2500!

Lord have mercy.

[exclaims]

that's not my mower!

They call this progress?

They've pushed out
all the mower

to make room for cruise control,
zero turning radius,

featherweight
space-age polymers,

optional rear bag
attachment,

tommy hilfinger sports package

I love this mower so much

my--my heart hurts

why? Why do you
love it so much?

Because hank hill
will never be able

to afford one
on his meager salary.

My boy's a pump jockey.
Works for tips.

Dad, I do not
work for tips.

Pump jockey!

Dad, I am not a pump--

Works for tips

I like the mower.
It's got a lot of nice curves,

like a purty young woman.

Hank's mower's
like a dumpy fishwife.

[music playing]

what are we
waiting for, luanne?

um,

Maybe it's too soon since...

Buckley's not getting any deader, luanne.

It's time to move on.

Yeah.

Let's go!

[screaming]

are you all right?

[sobbing]

it's just that they're playing
buckley and my song.

hey.

huh?

[crying]

[sighing]

come on,betsy.

Well, you gotta
love a product

with this many options
and add-ons.

See, that's where
you make your money.

You take
your optional rear bag.

Now, if I had
a mason dealership,

i'd guaran-damn-tee you

if you walked
into my showroom,

you'd ride out
with that bag behind your ass.

Yeah, you sold me
pinstripes for my escort.

No, no, no.
Let me explain it to you.

I financed you pinstripes
for your escort.

So, if I'm hearing
you people,

this mower has surpassed
your expectations

and quite possibly
, your dreams?

Now hold on.

Boomhauer, bill, and, uh,
rusty and me don't like it.

[snorts]

'course you don't like it.
Anything I like,you don't like.

Then when I say
I don't like somethin',

for example your mother,

you've gotta say
how much you like her even more!

Please keep my mother
out of this.

How about you, rusty?

Rusty?

Rusty.

Oh, shackelford.
Yes, I am pro-mower.

What?

I like the ashtray

don't be an idiot, dale.
That's the gas cap.

He's an idiot.He can use it
however he wants.

Thank you, colonel.

[sighing]

well, it looks like we're pretty close
to a consensus.

Now if we could discuss
the electric seat warmer?

Why would we need
our seat warmed?

That's what pants are for.

Right, boomhauer?

I don't know,hank, man.

Maybe dang old get naked
on that dang old thing, man.

Heat my little,that little old vibrate
might feel good, man.

So you're in favor
of the mower, Mr. Boomhauer?

Man, dang old listen, man.

[sighing]
boomhauer--

Uh, I'd like
to make a point.

I already made
your point, bill.

We don't like it.

We liked the old model,
thank you.

Is that the point you wanted to make,
mr. Dauterive?

yes.

No! Hank, you have been
speaking for me for...

I don't know how long.

Years and years.

Well, that sounds
about right.

Well, starting today,

william fontaine delatur dauterive
speaks for himself.

Attaboy, phil!

And what I have to say
will rock your world.

I like the cup holder.

Bill, we can order
you a cup holder,

and I'll attach
it to your 1500.

No, I'm sorry, Mr. Hill.

Mason doesn't
make parts for models
that are being discontinued.

Your mower is, uh...

Oh, what's a nice word
for "obsolete"?

Collectible?

Perfect.

Bill's on fire today!

(lane)
way to go, hondo.

Way to go, bill.

Your mower's obsolete,
hank.

When something gets old and tired,
you gotta trade up.

You mean like you traded in
mother for didi?

I didn't trade your mama in.

A trade-in has some value.

I scrapped her.

Listen to all of you.

You're hypnotized
by a slick mower

with all sorts
of bells and whistles.

And you're gonna fall for it.

Well, I'm not.

My mower is reliable,
low-maintenance,

and has held up damn well
over the years.

I've got a good mower.

And I have got
a good mother.

Well, so let's see
a show of hands.

All those in favor
of the new model?

Wait. Are we voting
for hank's mom or the mower?

The mower.oh!

Gentlemen,you've made it clear

that this new mower is what
today's consumer wants.

When do we get
our $50?

We haven't
earned it yet.

This invitation
specifically states

that we are to discuss
this new lawn mower

for 3 hours,
from 9:00 to noon.

We still have
an hour-and-a-half.

[all grumbling]

give us a break, hank.

When you little redneck boy,

you couldn't defend
your mother.

Now you compensate
by defending your mower.

You confuse personal issue
s with technological.

I have father issues, too,
but this is a good mower!

[all agreeing]

no, it's not.
And you know what?

I'm willing to put my mone
y where my mouth is.

I'll put up my $50,
less my expenses

if you still
like the new mower

after I've had my say.

That works out
to over $7 apiece.

Put on your tap shoes,
shirley.

[moaning]

wait till dad sees this!

[both grunting]

i'm sorry about
all those things

cotton said about you.
It doesn't mean anything.

He just doesn't like you.

Oh, I wouldn't min
d cotton's rantings

if hank would
just stick up for me.

Well, if it makes you
feel any better,

hank doesn't
stick up for me either,

his own stepmother.

k
Now you folks thin

that just because
this mower is new,
it's improved.

So we should just get rid
of the old one, right?

That's about
the size of it there.

[all agreeing]

well, hold on
for a second.

A lot of great things
in life are old.

Like old glory,
old faithful, old testament.

"thou shalt not kill."

Just because a baptism
turns into a little drowning.

Everybody's
gotta blame somebody.

Reverend,
that's an awful thing.

Can I--
Can I ask you a question?

What kind of car
do you drive?

Mitsubishi diamante.

Hank, if you're
just about through here,

i'd like to take
the good reverend
over to the lot,

put him behind the wheel
of a brand-new pre-owned sonata.

I'm not through
here yet, lane.

Let me ask you this:

you'd buy this mower, right,

with all the bells
and whistles?

Well, hell, yeah.

So you'd be the one
payin' all that dealer mark-up, right?

You'd be just like me.

Whoa-ho! Hey now, hondo.
Just a second here.

Those god-dang
mason sons of bitches.

I'm changin' my vote.

All right, then. We're making
some progress here.

Now, boomhauer,you like that fancy
electronic seat warmer,

don't you? yo.

It sounds like a good thing,
i'll give you that.

But when you ride your mower,
where do you keep your beer?

man,I plant that dang old beer
right between the legs, man.

Between his legs.

In other words,
this electronic seat warmer

is heating up more
than just boomhauer's can.

It's also heating up
his can of beer.

Man, I don't want warm beer

like that dang old
euro trash, man,

drinking that
old warm crap.

All right,boomhauer's on board.

That makes 3 of us

you'll never sway me.

I am unswayable.

I'd be a little more
impressed with you, dale

if you didn't have chocolate chip crumbs
all over your eyebrows

no way.

See for yourself.

Hey, you're right.

[exclaiming]

who--who--
Who are those people?

Oh, those are just people
sent here to monitor your thoughts and opinions

to learn how you think

you know,get inside your head.

[screaming]

that's 4.

[machine whirring]

all right. I--I think
I've got enough

positive and negative comments

to put together
a very positive report.

Not so fast.

I've still got 30 minutes.

...and taiwan
won't be far behind.

[sighs]

and 2nd--

Rock the casbah,
rock the casbah ?

Shareef don't like it ??

[groaning]

[all laughing]

that's it.

This is a zero-turning-radius
mower, is it not?

It has a rear bag option,

and it's made of ultra-light
space-age materials.

Now, taken alone,each of those things
might be good.

But combined, they're
a prescription for terror.

I don't see or like
where this is going.

Reverend hubert--

I didn't drown that boy.

Would you do me the honor
of getting on the mower?

Now drive to the wall

and execute
a 180-degree turn.

Now engage
the zero turning radius.

[screaming]

that could have been me.
I hate this mower!

(hank)
there's your
space-age polymers.

There's your
zero turning radius.

There's your rear bag option.

My cup holder!

Oh, now I know

why you're always
speaking for me, hank.

'cause I'm never right
and you always are.

You know, bill, if I'm
always speaking for you,

and I'm always right,

that means you're always right,
too, doesn't it?

Well, uh...

[whispering]
it does.

I-it does. It does!

How do you like that?
I'm always right!

That's everybody
but one.

Preacher, if you're still
in the baptizing business,

i'd like you
to drown my boy hank.

They said the ladies' room
was the 2nd door on the right,

so this must be it.

(cotton)
i'll tell you
who gets my vote.

The guy who figures out a way

to strap an old woman
on an old mower

and run 'em both
off a cliff.

Oh, he's doing it again,
and in public.

Don't get me wrong,
mr. Kahn.

I like a woman
with a big butt.

But tilly was taking advantage
of the situation.

All right,I've had enough, dad.

Don't you talk to me
like that, boy.

I'll tell you
when you've had enough

no, dad.
My mower is not too old,

and my mom
was not too old.

But this isn't
about my mom,

and it's certainly
not about my mower.

It's about
a bitter old man

who blames everybody
but himself

for all his own problems.

And if you ever
talk about my mom

or my mower
like that again,

you're not welcome
in my house.

Amen.

[gasps]

you've got
a fat neck, boy.

Well, I'm not sure
if there is a god

or a heaven,

but one thing
I can tell you

is your daddy's
going to hell.

Hello, son.
How was the focus group?

Oh, not so great.

And now I've gotta
do all my shopping

have you thought about what
you want for christmas, mom

I don't need anything
from you, hank.

You've given me enough already

[snoring]

(hank)
I guess peggy got
a ride home with cotton.

Humph. I'll be dipped!

(cotton)
pump jockey!

(hank)
I am not--

Works for tips.