King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 3, Episode 6 - Peggy's Pageant Fever - full transcript
Peggy competes in a pageant exclusively for mothers in an attempt to win a truck of her own.
(nancy)
here you go, sug'.
2 sugs, right?
Uh-huh.
They asked me to be
the celebrity judge
at the Mrs. Heimlich
county beauty pageant next week.
Mrs.? Wait.
Do any women mature enough
to have a family
really go in for that nonsense?
That nonsense, sug',changed my life.
It's what got me
into television
and into hundreds of homes every night
as a weather analyst.
You'd be surprised at the topnotch prizes
at the Mrs. Heimlich.
Bath beads?
Try a year's lease
on a brand-new
chevy silverado
ltk 1500 pickup truck
with a super cab and 270 horsepower,
5.3-liter vortec v-8.
I want that truck.
Hank, do you think
I could win
the Mrs. Heimlich
pageant if I entered?
[gasps]
you see, peggy,
that's what you call
a loaded question.
No matter how I answer,
there's a bullet
in every chamber
designed to blow
my brains out.
Hank, do you think
I can win?
Well, uh,
I think you're beautiful
and smart,
and you don't need to enter
some pageant to prove it.
Hah, you don't think
I can win, do you?
I didn't say...
[stammering]
I just don't think
you're the pageant type.
Really?
Well, let's see.
.
All you have to be
is married and over 23
well, I've got
that covered.
So, how would we rate me?
Uh, I would say
face: "a" minus,
body: "b" plus,
personality: "a" plus,
and brains: "a" plus.
So with my smarts,
and looks,
and muchos talentos,
well, I think I have
a huge edge over
these bimbos, hank.
I'm gonna enter.
The grand priz
e is a truck.
I have a truck.
But I don't.
You have a car.
.
Hank, a car is fine,
but a truck is a force
true.
[luanne screaming]
e
I can't believ
e I'm going to b
an actual beauty
pageant stylist!
oh!
I already have some ideas
for styling you.
I've always wondered
what would happen
if you let
your hair dry naturally.
Ok, let's not go
crazy, luanne.
Remember,
we're working together
to make the best
peggy hill possible.
Personally,
I think a little lipstick
and a pair of nice earrings
will win that truck.
That's a good-looking
truck, hank.
d
I'm talking
about them dang ol
s
270 horsepower,
man old skid plate
and z-71 off-road
suspension, man,
and dang old k-5,
man. Dang.
Yeah, all peggy's gotta do
to get that truck
is to win
the Mrs. Heimlich
county pageant.
[birds chirping]
[children chattering]
y-yep.
yep.
That's right. Yep.
Peggy's gonna win.
She's every man's fantasy.
Uh, ok, bill,
i'll take over
from here.
I mean,
she's got an a-plus brain
and an a-minus body
but if she wears
one of them
push-up brassieres,
bill!
She'll have a body
that just won't quit.
You like that truck,
don't you?
Would you like
to take it for
a test drive?
Well, I would not
say no.
Now here's something
a pretty lady
like yourself
will appreciate:
a driver's side
vanity mirror.
Mmm. I do look good
in this truck.
So, what's it gonna take
for you to buy
this truck today?
Oh, I'm not planning
on buying it.
I'm planning on winning it
in a beauty contest.
Test drive's over.
[people chattering]
(coordinator)
excuse me, y'all,
before we get started,
if there is anybody here
not connected to the pageant,
could you please leave now?
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Um, I'd like
to welcome you all
to the Mrs. Heimlich
county beauty pageant.
In a couple of minutes,
you'll get the chance to meet
your fellow contestants.
But before you do,
,
the reigning Mrs. Heimlich
cathy shears,
would like to say
a few words.
[crowd applauding]
what a long, strange,
beautiful trip it's been.
And next week,
I will add the word
"sad" to that list
because I'll be
handing over this crown
to the new
mrs. Heimlich county.
Peggy hill.
[women chattering]
.
well, hello,
i'm peggy hill
oh, hi, I'm helen pell.
So, what does
peggy hill do
when she's not competing
in a beauty pageant?
Well, I'm
a substitute teacher
at tom landry
middle school.
Oh, really?
I teach sciences full-time
over at the high school.
What do you teach?
Espa-nol.
I had my 2nd honeymoon
in spain.
Have you ever gone?
No. But it's because
I choose not to.
You should go.
You'll love it!
I practically lived there
for a couple of months
after I graduated
from college.
That's where I met
my husband,
the engineer.
The kind
that drives a train?
[laughing]
oh, I'm gonna have
to look out for you.
You're very congenial.
(woman #1)
oh, really?
s
You know
that there are
3 other contestant
who teach as well?
Yes, yes, I know.
I met them already.
And I suppose
you're, what,
a biochemist
or something?
.
Oh, no, no, no
i'm a stay-at-home
mother.
But I have 7 kids,
so that's a full-time job
in and of itself.
Do you have
any children?
8.
No, I only have one.
Well, right now,
i'm majoring in philosophy
and classical music.
Oh, how nice for you.
That'll get you
a job in a factory
when you get out of college.
[giggling]
that's what my mom says, too.
[chuckling]
you do know
you have to be 23 years
or older to be
in this pageant?
I am 23.
Do you have
any children?
No, I'm concentrating on my--
Oh, well, I have one.
Anyway, nice meeting you.
Good luck in the pageant.
(woman #2)
really?
[all chattering]
[all laughing]
(woman #3)
she looks so good.
Isn't this exciting,
aunt peggy?
.
Everyone's so nice
mrs. Heimlich county
let me try on
her crown and sash.
Did you know she could pla
y the lap steel guitar?
,
And she only has
9 percent body fat
.
and it's all
in her breasts
[squeaking]
[sighs]
[clicks tongue]
[bobby laughs]
little bobby hill.
You rascal, you.
(peggy)
mmm.
that's when you
used to put
your food everywhere
but in your mouth.
I was young.
I didn't know
any better.
Oh, I haven't seen
this photo
in such a long time.
Who is that kissing dad?
Well, that's me, honey.
.
Really?
You were beautiful
were?
Oh, bobby, I still am.
ok.
Bobby, don't you see?
When you look at me now,
you can't see somebody
who's beautiful.
You just see a mother.
I don't know.
I think connie's
mom is beautiful.
And Mrs. Gribble--
All right. All right.
Hey, there's me standing
.
next to the world'
s largest roadrunner
are you still having
those nightmares
where he pecks out
your eyes?
I forgot about those.
Good.
[moans]
[sighing]
[sighs]
peggy, are you all right?
Oh, hank, I can't sleep.
[gun firing on t.v.]
boy, cagney and lacey
certainly have
aged horribly.
[tires screeching on t.v.]
hank, do you think
i'll turn into
one of those women
you see at
the mega lo mart
s
who wears
white stretch pant
and doesn't tuck I
n her shirt anymore?
Not for many, many years.
Oh, so you've thought
about this?
[sighing]
[bobby shrieking]
(bobby)
no, not my eyes!
I thought he stopped
having those nightmares.
Come on in, ladies.
Take a load off.
Thanks.
Well, I don't believe
I've had the pleasure
of meeting
this little filly before.
Well, yes.
Yes, you have.
Mmm-hmm.
Your daughter?
No, she's my niece
, luanne.
Oh, well,
there you go, darling.
[giggling]
thank you.
now,
What can old buck strickland
do for you?
You said you had some kind of
business proposition,
did you?
Mr. Strickland,
y
a beauty pageant
can be a good
promotional opportunit
for both
the beauty contestant
and for the business
who sponsors the--
Say no more.
I'll do it.
How much do you need?
Well, there's the new
tennis outfit,
make-up,
new dress, hair...
Uh, we figure
around $2,000.
Mmm-hmm.
Debbie,
write me up a company check
for $2,000.
(debbie)
right away, buck.
.
Oh, thank you,
mr. Strickland
.
I guarantee you
that I will win
that Mrs. Heimlich pageant
I will not let you dow
n as my sponsor.
[gasps]
[gulps]
[stutters]
mrs.?
What the hell
is she doing here?
She is my stylist and,
like yourself,
.
a big part
of team peggy hill
debbie, have you finished
writing up that check?
(debbie)
yes, buck.
Oh, shu-- oh.
? Yo, I'll tell you
what I want,
what I really, really want ?
? So tell me what you want
what you really, really want ?
? I'll tell you what I want,
what I really, really want ?
? So tell me what you want,
what you really, really want ?
? I wanna, I wanna, I wanna,
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna ?
? If you wanna be my lover ??
(director)
terrific, girls.
Mrs. Hill, that was awful.
We're gonna go again,
and this time I want
mrs. Hill to sit
this one out
and watch me.
Raymond, hold my cane.
[hairdryer whirring]
why, nancy,
in the words o
f billy crystal,
"you look wonderful!"
thanks, sug'.
By the way,
I was so excited to hear
that you entered the pageant.
Really? Oh, thank you.
Well, maybe this year
p
you and I
can shake things u
a little bit
at the mrs.
Shake things up how?
Well, you know,
every year they pick
the same type
of woman to win.
Skinny, big hair,
bleached blonde--
You mean women like me?
Oh, your hair
is not bleached,
is it?
What type of woman
do you think should win
the pageant, peggy?
Well, I'm not a judge,
but a married woman,
of course.
Not just a wife,
but a partner.
Definitely a mother.
Someone who is distinguished
by her brain size,
not her bra size.
Women like you.
Well, you said it,
I didn't. But, yes.
I think women like you
shouldn't be in a pageant
if you're not prepared
to be judged by women
like me.
We could have
shook things up,
you and me!
hmm.
[giggles]
oh!
don't you look...smart.
Luanne, I think I wanna put
some highlights in my hair.
oh!
You don't think
that's a good idea?
No, it's a good idea.
It's just that highlights
was a 2-part class,
and I missed both parts.
Hey, bozo!
Where your clown car,
peggy hill?
]
[chuckling
you look like
the ronald mcdonald,
you bozo, peggy hill.
[car tires screeching]
she so stuck up.
Not even say hello.
[mr. Strickland sighs]
you think your missis
will like it?
Yes, sir.
Well, I hope so.
This is the most
I've spent on a woman
without getting
anything in return,
if you know
what I mean.
Uh, don't worry
about it, buck.
You've backed a winner.
She could have smiled,
at least.
.
She is smiling
(peggy)
if I order
by 8:00 tonight,
I can have
my stretch pants
by tomorrow at noon.
I could be
in them by 1:00.
Uh, peggy,
why don't you
just wait a week,
and we can drive over
to the mega lo mart
and get 'em in
your new truck, huh?
Yeah, right,
my new truck.
[laughing]
stop worrying.
You've got those
fancy stripes
in your hair,
plus your best friend nancy
is the judge.
Well, nancy and I
are not talking right now.
oh.
Well, then we just
won't let her ride
in our new truck, will we?
[chuckling]
??[humming]
[sighing]
ok.
uh, hey, dale,
peggy baked
some extra brownies,
and we thought:
"you know who
might enjoy these?
The gribbles."
So here you go.
[grunts]
ok.
oh, and I'm done
using my ratchet set,
if you wanna borrow it.
?
You mean
if I wanna keep it
borrow it, dale.
Just a little reminder
, hank:
my wife is the judge
of your wife's
beauty pageant.
Keep it?
Borrow it,
or I'll step over
this hedge
and kick your ass.
Keep--
[yelling]
[hairdryer whirring]
oh, hi.
Hello.
Excuse me,
but I thin
k you've mad
e a mistake.
You're teasing
the wrong contestant's hair.
It's ok.
It happened
to me yesterday.
Luanne, honey,
sit down for a second,
please.
Now, you are an excellent,
excellent amateur stylist.
But this is
a professional
beauty pageant.
No, it's an amateu
r beauty pageant,
aunt peggy.
See, luanne?
Amateur attitude,
amateur performance.
That's why I've hired
a professional.
This is marcie shuett,
stylist to 3
pageant winners.
Oh, my god!
You're firing me
as your stylist.
No. You will still be
a very important part
of team peggy hill
but in a much, much
smaller capacity.
[whimpering]
luanne--
[sobbing]
see?
that's the amateur attitude
I was talking about earlier.
All right.
All right. Hmm.
Let me get
a look at you.
Ok, now turn around.
Can you save this?
[sighing]
this will be
my greatest
challenge yet.
[door squeaking]
[door closing]
(peggy)
and the winner
of the Mrs. Heimlich
county beauty pageant:
peggy hill!
[gasps]
[gasping]
so what do you think?
[growling]
[barking]
whoa, mom,
you look like
you could star
in a headache commercial.
Ladybird, ladybird
, stop barking.
It's me, it's peggy.
Hank, you haven't
said anything.
Uh, you look...
Bobby, will you please
take ladybird outside?
uh,
Gee, look at you.
Yeah,
i'd--i'd kiss you,
but it'd feel like
I was cheating on you
with another woman
if I did.
Well, now's your chance
to cheat on me, hank.
I promise
I won't tell peggy.
Uh, there.
[laughs]
boy, look at me.
I'm having an affair.
[humidifier hissing]
[hank sniffing]
? If you ever get
employed ?
? And you think
it is destroyed ?
? I love to work
at nothing all day ?
? And you've been taking care
of business every day ?
? Taking care of business
in every way ?
?
? Taking care of business
? It's all right ?
?
? Taking care of business
? Working overtime, workout ??
??[humming]
[gasping]
[exclaiming]
you were so right
about the eyeliner.
Oh, god,
what was I thinking?
Dang, I wish we
had a picture of you
looking this good
for the flier.
Spilt milk. Spilt milk
.
yeah.
Did you get
the brownies
?
I baked for you
as a friend, nancy
yes, I did
, Mrs. Hill.
Shall we proceed?
We're running
a little behin
d schedule.
It says here
in your application
that you speak spanish.
Mmm-hmm.
[speaking spanish]
peggy hill.
[speaking spanish]
[speaking spanish]
??[humming my favorite things]
[disposal whirring]
luanne,
I just spent 2 hours
picking one of peggy's shoes
out of that disposal.
I'm beginning to think
it wasn't an accident.
Uh, why aren't you
at the pageant?
Peggy went with
buck strickland.
I'm going a little later.
[snorting]
did she fire you, too?
Because, you know,
she fired me.
I heard you were
still an important part
of team peggy hill.
[snorts]
[sighs]
I know you're feeling
a little miffed.
But you have to understand
your aunt has always had
a lot of confidence
about her looks,
which is good.
But now she's got herself
in kind of a bind.
She's either got
to admit to herself
she can't win the truck,
and quit,
or stay in the pageant
and, well, probably lose.
Either way,
it's gonna hurt.
Well, I guess
I should feel bad
for her,
but I don't.
[sighs]
well, this won't work.
I cannot go
out there like this.
Is there
something wrong?
yes.
All of a sudden,
my butt looks like
it's dragging
on the floor.
Will you fix it?
Fix it!
hmm.
Do you have
any duct tape,
mrs. Hill?
I used it
all on my feet.
Mr. Strickland.
Yeah.
?
We need duct tape.
Silver or gray
silver.
All-purpose
or premium grade?
Aw, what the hell,
i'm already in thi
s for $2,000.
What's another
$0.90?
(peggy)
tighter. Come on.
[peggy moaning]
(announcer)
ladies, to the stage.
Come on now.
Let's go, y'all.
Oh, where's
my half jacket?
I need my half jacket.
That's what makes
this an ensemble,
the half jacket.
[grunting]
[groaning]
!
oh
[all laughing]
[all chattering]
oh, come on, peggy.
You know
how to put on a jacket.
[peggy grunting]
pageant contestant
s across the street.
Come on, girls, hurry.
Watch your step.
ok.
[tape ripping]
no!
[contestants sneering]
well, I guess
this wasn't premium,
you cheap bastard.
[stuttering]
helen, by any chance,
do you have any
spare tape?
My ass has come loose.
I'm sure
it's just the humidity.
Peggy, I-I've got
to go inside.
[whispering]
I also think
I should tell you
that you forgo
t to put on
your shoes.
[peggy gasping]
oh, no, no, no!
This is not good.
[sobbing]
[horn honking]
[tires screeching]
[exclaims]
[gasps]
[laughing]
?
like the truck
hank?
Wh-what are you doing?
Well, I figured
since you were only
doing this for the truck,
i'd save you the trouble.
Honey,
you bought us
a new truck?
No, I painted
my old one.
[sighs]
well, she's beautiful!
.
Yeah,
but she was before
are those new shoes?
Uh, 'cause I like 'em.
[car engine starting]
i'm glad
you're letting me
dye your hair
back to its normal color,
aunt peggy.
Well, even if
you don't, luanne,
that is ok, too.
Ok, here it goes.
[gasping]
oh, no!
Oh, don't you worry, luanne.
We will get this right
soon enough, huh?
[sighing]
[laughing fiendishly]
??[humming]
here you go, sug'.
2 sugs, right?
Uh-huh.
They asked me to be
the celebrity judge
at the Mrs. Heimlich
county beauty pageant next week.
Mrs.? Wait.
Do any women mature enough
to have a family
really go in for that nonsense?
That nonsense, sug',changed my life.
It's what got me
into television
and into hundreds of homes every night
as a weather analyst.
You'd be surprised at the topnotch prizes
at the Mrs. Heimlich.
Bath beads?
Try a year's lease
on a brand-new
chevy silverado
ltk 1500 pickup truck
with a super cab and 270 horsepower,
5.3-liter vortec v-8.
I want that truck.
Hank, do you think
I could win
the Mrs. Heimlich
pageant if I entered?
[gasps]
you see, peggy,
that's what you call
a loaded question.
No matter how I answer,
there's a bullet
in every chamber
designed to blow
my brains out.
Hank, do you think
I can win?
Well, uh,
I think you're beautiful
and smart,
and you don't need to enter
some pageant to prove it.
Hah, you don't think
I can win, do you?
I didn't say...
[stammering]
I just don't think
you're the pageant type.
Really?
Well, let's see.
.
All you have to be
is married and over 23
well, I've got
that covered.
So, how would we rate me?
Uh, I would say
face: "a" minus,
body: "b" plus,
personality: "a" plus,
and brains: "a" plus.
So with my smarts,
and looks,
and muchos talentos,
well, I think I have
a huge edge over
these bimbos, hank.
I'm gonna enter.
The grand priz
e is a truck.
I have a truck.
But I don't.
You have a car.
.
Hank, a car is fine,
but a truck is a force
true.
[luanne screaming]
e
I can't believ
e I'm going to b
an actual beauty
pageant stylist!
oh!
I already have some ideas
for styling you.
I've always wondered
what would happen
if you let
your hair dry naturally.
Ok, let's not go
crazy, luanne.
Remember,
we're working together
to make the best
peggy hill possible.
Personally,
I think a little lipstick
and a pair of nice earrings
will win that truck.
That's a good-looking
truck, hank.
d
I'm talking
about them dang ol
s
270 horsepower,
man old skid plate
and z-71 off-road
suspension, man,
and dang old k-5,
man. Dang.
Yeah, all peggy's gotta do
to get that truck
is to win
the Mrs. Heimlich
county pageant.
[birds chirping]
[children chattering]
y-yep.
yep.
That's right. Yep.
Peggy's gonna win.
She's every man's fantasy.
Uh, ok, bill,
i'll take over
from here.
I mean,
she's got an a-plus brain
and an a-minus body
but if she wears
one of them
push-up brassieres,
bill!
She'll have a body
that just won't quit.
You like that truck,
don't you?
Would you like
to take it for
a test drive?
Well, I would not
say no.
Now here's something
a pretty lady
like yourself
will appreciate:
a driver's side
vanity mirror.
Mmm. I do look good
in this truck.
So, what's it gonna take
for you to buy
this truck today?
Oh, I'm not planning
on buying it.
I'm planning on winning it
in a beauty contest.
Test drive's over.
[people chattering]
(coordinator)
excuse me, y'all,
before we get started,
if there is anybody here
not connected to the pageant,
could you please leave now?
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Um, I'd like
to welcome you all
to the Mrs. Heimlich
county beauty pageant.
In a couple of minutes,
you'll get the chance to meet
your fellow contestants.
But before you do,
,
the reigning Mrs. Heimlich
cathy shears,
would like to say
a few words.
[crowd applauding]
what a long, strange,
beautiful trip it's been.
And next week,
I will add the word
"sad" to that list
because I'll be
handing over this crown
to the new
mrs. Heimlich county.
Peggy hill.
[women chattering]
.
well, hello,
i'm peggy hill
oh, hi, I'm helen pell.
So, what does
peggy hill do
when she's not competing
in a beauty pageant?
Well, I'm
a substitute teacher
at tom landry
middle school.
Oh, really?
I teach sciences full-time
over at the high school.
What do you teach?
Espa-nol.
I had my 2nd honeymoon
in spain.
Have you ever gone?
No. But it's because
I choose not to.
You should go.
You'll love it!
I practically lived there
for a couple of months
after I graduated
from college.
That's where I met
my husband,
the engineer.
The kind
that drives a train?
[laughing]
oh, I'm gonna have
to look out for you.
You're very congenial.
(woman #1)
oh, really?
s
You know
that there are
3 other contestant
who teach as well?
Yes, yes, I know.
I met them already.
And I suppose
you're, what,
a biochemist
or something?
.
Oh, no, no, no
i'm a stay-at-home
mother.
But I have 7 kids,
so that's a full-time job
in and of itself.
Do you have
any children?
8.
No, I only have one.
Well, right now,
i'm majoring in philosophy
and classical music.
Oh, how nice for you.
That'll get you
a job in a factory
when you get out of college.
[giggling]
that's what my mom says, too.
[chuckling]
you do know
you have to be 23 years
or older to be
in this pageant?
I am 23.
Do you have
any children?
No, I'm concentrating on my--
Oh, well, I have one.
Anyway, nice meeting you.
Good luck in the pageant.
(woman #2)
really?
[all chattering]
[all laughing]
(woman #3)
she looks so good.
Isn't this exciting,
aunt peggy?
.
Everyone's so nice
mrs. Heimlich county
let me try on
her crown and sash.
Did you know she could pla
y the lap steel guitar?
,
And she only has
9 percent body fat
.
and it's all
in her breasts
[squeaking]
[sighs]
[clicks tongue]
[bobby laughs]
little bobby hill.
You rascal, you.
(peggy)
mmm.
that's when you
used to put
your food everywhere
but in your mouth.
I was young.
I didn't know
any better.
Oh, I haven't seen
this photo
in such a long time.
Who is that kissing dad?
Well, that's me, honey.
.
Really?
You were beautiful
were?
Oh, bobby, I still am.
ok.
Bobby, don't you see?
When you look at me now,
you can't see somebody
who's beautiful.
You just see a mother.
I don't know.
I think connie's
mom is beautiful.
And Mrs. Gribble--
All right. All right.
Hey, there's me standing
.
next to the world'
s largest roadrunner
are you still having
those nightmares
where he pecks out
your eyes?
I forgot about those.
Good.
[moans]
[sighing]
[sighs]
peggy, are you all right?
Oh, hank, I can't sleep.
[gun firing on t.v.]
boy, cagney and lacey
certainly have
aged horribly.
[tires screeching on t.v.]
hank, do you think
i'll turn into
one of those women
you see at
the mega lo mart
s
who wears
white stretch pant
and doesn't tuck I
n her shirt anymore?
Not for many, many years.
Oh, so you've thought
about this?
[sighing]
[bobby shrieking]
(bobby)
no, not my eyes!
I thought he stopped
having those nightmares.
Come on in, ladies.
Take a load off.
Thanks.
Well, I don't believe
I've had the pleasure
of meeting
this little filly before.
Well, yes.
Yes, you have.
Mmm-hmm.
Your daughter?
No, she's my niece
, luanne.
Oh, well,
there you go, darling.
[giggling]
thank you.
now,
What can old buck strickland
do for you?
You said you had some kind of
business proposition,
did you?
Mr. Strickland,
y
a beauty pageant
can be a good
promotional opportunit
for both
the beauty contestant
and for the business
who sponsors the--
Say no more.
I'll do it.
How much do you need?
Well, there's the new
tennis outfit,
make-up,
new dress, hair...
Uh, we figure
around $2,000.
Mmm-hmm.
Debbie,
write me up a company check
for $2,000.
(debbie)
right away, buck.
.
Oh, thank you,
mr. Strickland
.
I guarantee you
that I will win
that Mrs. Heimlich pageant
I will not let you dow
n as my sponsor.
[gasps]
[gulps]
[stutters]
mrs.?
What the hell
is she doing here?
She is my stylist and,
like yourself,
.
a big part
of team peggy hill
debbie, have you finished
writing up that check?
(debbie)
yes, buck.
Oh, shu-- oh.
? Yo, I'll tell you
what I want,
what I really, really want ?
? So tell me what you want
what you really, really want ?
? I'll tell you what I want,
what I really, really want ?
? So tell me what you want,
what you really, really want ?
? I wanna, I wanna, I wanna,
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna ?
? If you wanna be my lover ??
(director)
terrific, girls.
Mrs. Hill, that was awful.
We're gonna go again,
and this time I want
mrs. Hill to sit
this one out
and watch me.
Raymond, hold my cane.
[hairdryer whirring]
why, nancy,
in the words o
f billy crystal,
"you look wonderful!"
thanks, sug'.
By the way,
I was so excited to hear
that you entered the pageant.
Really? Oh, thank you.
Well, maybe this year
p
you and I
can shake things u
a little bit
at the mrs.
Shake things up how?
Well, you know,
every year they pick
the same type
of woman to win.
Skinny, big hair,
bleached blonde--
You mean women like me?
Oh, your hair
is not bleached,
is it?
What type of woman
do you think should win
the pageant, peggy?
Well, I'm not a judge,
but a married woman,
of course.
Not just a wife,
but a partner.
Definitely a mother.
Someone who is distinguished
by her brain size,
not her bra size.
Women like you.
Well, you said it,
I didn't. But, yes.
I think women like you
shouldn't be in a pageant
if you're not prepared
to be judged by women
like me.
We could have
shook things up,
you and me!
hmm.
[giggles]
oh!
don't you look...smart.
Luanne, I think I wanna put
some highlights in my hair.
oh!
You don't think
that's a good idea?
No, it's a good idea.
It's just that highlights
was a 2-part class,
and I missed both parts.
Hey, bozo!
Where your clown car,
peggy hill?
]
[chuckling
you look like
the ronald mcdonald,
you bozo, peggy hill.
[car tires screeching]
she so stuck up.
Not even say hello.
[mr. Strickland sighs]
you think your missis
will like it?
Yes, sir.
Well, I hope so.
This is the most
I've spent on a woman
without getting
anything in return,
if you know
what I mean.
Uh, don't worry
about it, buck.
You've backed a winner.
She could have smiled,
at least.
.
She is smiling
(peggy)
if I order
by 8:00 tonight,
I can have
my stretch pants
by tomorrow at noon.
I could be
in them by 1:00.
Uh, peggy,
why don't you
just wait a week,
and we can drive over
to the mega lo mart
and get 'em in
your new truck, huh?
Yeah, right,
my new truck.
[laughing]
stop worrying.
You've got those
fancy stripes
in your hair,
plus your best friend nancy
is the judge.
Well, nancy and I
are not talking right now.
oh.
Well, then we just
won't let her ride
in our new truck, will we?
[chuckling]
??[humming]
[sighing]
ok.
uh, hey, dale,
peggy baked
some extra brownies,
and we thought:
"you know who
might enjoy these?
The gribbles."
So here you go.
[grunts]
ok.
oh, and I'm done
using my ratchet set,
if you wanna borrow it.
?
You mean
if I wanna keep it
borrow it, dale.
Just a little reminder
, hank:
my wife is the judge
of your wife's
beauty pageant.
Keep it?
Borrow it,
or I'll step over
this hedge
and kick your ass.
Keep--
[yelling]
[hairdryer whirring]
oh, hi.
Hello.
Excuse me,
but I thin
k you've mad
e a mistake.
You're teasing
the wrong contestant's hair.
It's ok.
It happened
to me yesterday.
Luanne, honey,
sit down for a second,
please.
Now, you are an excellent,
excellent amateur stylist.
But this is
a professional
beauty pageant.
No, it's an amateu
r beauty pageant,
aunt peggy.
See, luanne?
Amateur attitude,
amateur performance.
That's why I've hired
a professional.
This is marcie shuett,
stylist to 3
pageant winners.
Oh, my god!
You're firing me
as your stylist.
No. You will still be
a very important part
of team peggy hill
but in a much, much
smaller capacity.
[whimpering]
luanne--
[sobbing]
see?
that's the amateur attitude
I was talking about earlier.
All right.
All right. Hmm.
Let me get
a look at you.
Ok, now turn around.
Can you save this?
[sighing]
this will be
my greatest
challenge yet.
[door squeaking]
[door closing]
(peggy)
and the winner
of the Mrs. Heimlich
county beauty pageant:
peggy hill!
[gasps]
[gasping]
so what do you think?
[growling]
[barking]
whoa, mom,
you look like
you could star
in a headache commercial.
Ladybird, ladybird
, stop barking.
It's me, it's peggy.
Hank, you haven't
said anything.
Uh, you look...
Bobby, will you please
take ladybird outside?
uh,
Gee, look at you.
Yeah,
i'd--i'd kiss you,
but it'd feel like
I was cheating on you
with another woman
if I did.
Well, now's your chance
to cheat on me, hank.
I promise
I won't tell peggy.
Uh, there.
[laughs]
boy, look at me.
I'm having an affair.
[humidifier hissing]
[hank sniffing]
? If you ever get
employed ?
? And you think
it is destroyed ?
? I love to work
at nothing all day ?
? And you've been taking care
of business every day ?
? Taking care of business
in every way ?
?
? Taking care of business
? It's all right ?
?
? Taking care of business
? Working overtime, workout ??
??[humming]
[gasping]
[exclaiming]
you were so right
about the eyeliner.
Oh, god,
what was I thinking?
Dang, I wish we
had a picture of you
looking this good
for the flier.
Spilt milk. Spilt milk
.
yeah.
Did you get
the brownies
?
I baked for you
as a friend, nancy
yes, I did
, Mrs. Hill.
Shall we proceed?
We're running
a little behin
d schedule.
It says here
in your application
that you speak spanish.
Mmm-hmm.
[speaking spanish]
peggy hill.
[speaking spanish]
[speaking spanish]
??[humming my favorite things]
[disposal whirring]
luanne,
I just spent 2 hours
picking one of peggy's shoes
out of that disposal.
I'm beginning to think
it wasn't an accident.
Uh, why aren't you
at the pageant?
Peggy went with
buck strickland.
I'm going a little later.
[snorting]
did she fire you, too?
Because, you know,
she fired me.
I heard you were
still an important part
of team peggy hill.
[snorts]
[sighs]
I know you're feeling
a little miffed.
But you have to understand
your aunt has always had
a lot of confidence
about her looks,
which is good.
But now she's got herself
in kind of a bind.
She's either got
to admit to herself
she can't win the truck,
and quit,
or stay in the pageant
and, well, probably lose.
Either way,
it's gonna hurt.
Well, I guess
I should feel bad
for her,
but I don't.
[sighs]
well, this won't work.
I cannot go
out there like this.
Is there
something wrong?
yes.
All of a sudden,
my butt looks like
it's dragging
on the floor.
Will you fix it?
Fix it!
hmm.
Do you have
any duct tape,
mrs. Hill?
I used it
all on my feet.
Mr. Strickland.
Yeah.
?
We need duct tape.
Silver or gray
silver.
All-purpose
or premium grade?
Aw, what the hell,
i'm already in thi
s for $2,000.
What's another
$0.90?
(peggy)
tighter. Come on.
[peggy moaning]
(announcer)
ladies, to the stage.
Come on now.
Let's go, y'all.
Oh, where's
my half jacket?
I need my half jacket.
That's what makes
this an ensemble,
the half jacket.
[grunting]
[groaning]
!
oh
[all laughing]
[all chattering]
oh, come on, peggy.
You know
how to put on a jacket.
[peggy grunting]
pageant contestant
s across the street.
Come on, girls, hurry.
Watch your step.
ok.
[tape ripping]
no!
[contestants sneering]
well, I guess
this wasn't premium,
you cheap bastard.
[stuttering]
helen, by any chance,
do you have any
spare tape?
My ass has come loose.
I'm sure
it's just the humidity.
Peggy, I-I've got
to go inside.
[whispering]
I also think
I should tell you
that you forgo
t to put on
your shoes.
[peggy gasping]
oh, no, no, no!
This is not good.
[sobbing]
[horn honking]
[tires screeching]
[exclaims]
[gasps]
[laughing]
?
like the truck
hank?
Wh-what are you doing?
Well, I figured
since you were only
doing this for the truck,
i'd save you the trouble.
Honey,
you bought us
a new truck?
No, I painted
my old one.
[sighs]
well, she's beautiful!
.
Yeah,
but she was before
are those new shoes?
Uh, 'cause I like 'em.
[car engine starting]
i'm glad
you're letting me
dye your hair
back to its normal color,
aunt peggy.
Well, even if
you don't, luanne,
that is ok, too.
Ok, here it goes.
[gasping]
oh, no!
Oh, don't you worry, luanne.
We will get this right
soon enough, huh?
[sighing]
[laughing fiendishly]
??[humming]