King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 3, Episode 24 - Take Me Out of the Ball Game - full transcript

[buck slurping]

you want potatoes
with that, buck?

You know I do, Miss fybel.

Scattered,smothered and covered.

Hank will have the same.

Actually, uh,

I prefer my potatoes
diced and chunked--

I already ordered for you.

Now listen up.
Chamber of commerce

is puttin' together
a coed softball league.

I want you to play
and be head coach.



Head coach?
Like--like tom landry?

Uh, I'm--i'm gonna need
a moment here, sir.

[slurping]

(thatherton)
what you got, buck?
Vanilla milkshake?

Doctor wants you to put on
another 40 pounds?

Get out of here,
thatherton.

Oh, where are my manners?

Allow me to introduce
the newest dispatcher

at thatherton fuels

mrs. Rita bevacqua.

Bevacqua? Huh.
Is that any relation

to former texas rangers
3rd baseman, kurt bevacqua
?

kurt's my husband
by marriage.

(thatherton)
the chamber of commerce
rule book



says immediate family
is eligible to play.

Husband falls
under the category

of immediate family,
don't it, boys?

Thatherton!

I hope my picture isn't
at the edge of the page.

Last year it just said
, "connie soup."

Yeah, but I could
still tell it was you,

even without
the "hanousinphone."

You're so sweet,
bobby.

I can't help it.

You guys are a couple.

Can you believe
they put that
picture in there?

Yeah. Can you
believe it?

[players chattering]

[peggy grunting]

[players cheering]

hank, what
are you doing here?

[gasps]

did bobby do something
to his eye?

No, no, no.

Strickland propane is
gonna have a softball team

.
and I was name
d the head coach

well, congratulations, hank.

My game went well.

Thank you so much
for asking.

Here's the best part.

It's a coed league
with a woman-must-pitch rule.

So you'll be pitching
for team strickland.

But I already
pitch for a team, hank.

The lady giants.

But this is
a chance to play

in a serious leagu
e against men.

s
See how you do
against batter

.
who can really put som
e aluminum into the ball

I am in a serious league,
hank.

Of course, you
wouldn't know how serious

because you've never come
to one of my games.

Peggy, you know
that tuesday's my night

to drink beer in the alley
with the guys.

It has been for years.

Let's see, I got
enrique at shortstop

and joe jack
in center field.

I'll have to put
mr. Strickland at catcher.

It's the only position
his cardiologist
would clear him to play.

And he, uh, has to sit
on a stool.

I wish you
could coach

my army softball team,
hank.

We don't have
any good leaders.

That's classified.

This chamber
of commie-erce league

discriminates against
the self-employed.

I'm a one-man
extermination corporation.

How am I
supposed to play?

Those are the rules, dale.

You gotta have
a strickland pay stub
or be a strickland wife.

[grunting]

I've sprayed stricklan
d for termites.

I have a pay stub.

I'm on the team!
I'm on the team!

[dale laughing]

!
get your
arrow girl cookies

[bicycle bell ringing]

(bobby)
hey, connie,
wanna see me do a...

[bobby yells]

what a dork.

My mom spent 2 hours
stacking those boxes.

Got milk?

'cause you got cookies.
Am I right?

Connie, tell your
boyfriend to go away.

He's hurting business.

Just 'cause we're
on the "couples" page

doesn't mean
he's my boyfriend.

I know that.

Uh, I--I just came to buy
a box of arrow girl cookies.

[grunting]

these cookies stink.

.
They're waxy and stale

[munching]

bobby, maybe
you should go, ok?

All right, debbie,
fire one in there.

Let's see what
joe jack's got.

[players chattering]

get out of here, baby.

(both outfielders)
I got it. I got it.

(hank)
all right. Somebody pick up
the dang ball.

[crowd chattering]

[grunting]

back it up, fellas.
I'm going deep.

[dale laughing]

doggone it, hank!

Give me a boost
off this dang stool,
would you?

[players chattering]

[buck grunting]

shoot! I'm gonna get
that son of a bitch.

[moans]

mr. Strickland, sir,
throw the dang ball!

[yells]

no, I got him.
I--I got him!

[screaming]

shoot! I'm having
an infarction!

[groaning]

.
(hank)
oh, my god!
Mr. Strickland

safe!

[laughs]

(hank)
you know,
my offer's still open.

We could really
use a good pitcher,
I tell you what.

Mmm. 'cause if you
can pitch as good
as you make cookies--

My answer
is still no.

And bobby baked them.

What?

I used double the butter.
Aren't they great?

Better than the arrow girls'.

Oh, god! You didn't join
the arrow girls, did you?

No, and I never will.

But I will sell more cookies
than troop number 159,

connie souphanousinphone,
secretary-treasurer.

Just don't wear the apron
out of the house, please.

[ball bouncing off fence]

ok, hank.

I drove you here,
and I helped you
carry the bats.

They seemed light
enough for one person,

but what's done is done.

,
Yeah, well,
as long as you're here

maybe you could give debbi
e some pointers on pitching.

Here, I brough
t your mitt.

Goodbye, honey.

.
(thatherton)
now I know
what stinks so bad

strickland's pitching.

Oh, what can they do?

The league requires
a woman pitcher.

Like I tell my gym class,
girls can't play sports.

At least I found one
that can get it
over the plate,

if you know what I mean.

I'm having sex with her.

[both guffawing]

but she's no good
at sports, right?

Oh, thatherton.

Oh, yeah!

[groans]

I am saving my good stuff
for our first game.

??[star spangled banner
playing]

??[feels so good
by chuck mangione playing]

??[star spangled banner
playing]

[laughing]

!
strike

one up, one down.

A strikeout for peggy hill!

2!

[cheering]

[groans]

strike!

[cheering]

ooh!

go sit dow
n on him.

Yeah, peggy.

15 strikeouts for peggy hill.

And your winner
is the strickland bobtails!

All right.

[tittering]

[screams]

[laughing]

[peggy sighs]

[all chattering]

uh, you know, this team
didn't coach itself.

He's right.
Nice job, hank.

Oh, man!

Did you see that
2nd bunt I laid down?

They threw you out
in about 20 feet,
you sweet gazelle.

[whistling]

all right. Quiet down, team.

Ok, I'd like to say
a few words as coach.

That was a good team effort
out there, everybody.

Joe jack, you got yourself
a couple r.b.i.s.

Nice goin'.

Enrique, dynamite job
of catchin'.

Aren't you
forgetting someone, coach?

All right. All right.

I might be a little biased,

but, uh, I did coach
one heck of a game,
I tell you what.

So thank you,
and enjoy your pizza.

And not one
of my beauty school credits

has transferred
to junior college.

It turns out you have
to get at least a "c."

tsk.

Never hurts to quit.

I'm hungry.
Where's dad?

Probably busy
patting himself on the back

for giving birth
to you.

Morning. Oops,
time to flip 'em.

Uh-uh,
they're not ready yet.

They're brown
around the edges, peggy.

You don't want
to burn 'em.

Hank, I have been
flapping jacks
for 32 years.

Well, it's never
too late

to learn how
to do it right.

[grunting]

here, let me show you.

There is nothing
you can show me.

Please be careful
with the pancakes.

Don't buy inferior
arrow girl cookies.

What are they offering?

Oatmeal.
That's for breakfast.

Mints. What are you, 60?

And dog poop.

What kind of flavor
is that for a cookie?

.
Oh, my mistake.
That's their peanut butter

hello, ladies.

?
Bobby,
what are you doing

I am trying to restore
the good name of cookies.

Here, taste.

[grunts]

this tastes like mud.

What? That's a lie.
You take that back.

Taste it, connie.

Don't do it.

Don't let him
make you eat mud.

This isn't funny, bobby.

Connie, wait!
There's nothing wrong
with bobby's cookies.

Look at me. I'm eating 'em.

They've got your head
all turned around.

[munching]

.
sorry I'm late

that's what I get
for picking

the most popular
gynecologist in arlen.

Well, try not to let it
happen again.

I can't let
the players think

i'm givin' you
special treatment
'cause you're, you know...

The best?
...my wife.

Good afternoon, luanne.

Hey, uncle hank.

Run along, now.

.
Hank, luanne
has been my catcher
for the last 2 seasons

I need her
behind the plate.

Enrique is a nice man,
but he has got
a porcelain hand.

I'm afraid
to throw full speed.

Look, the roster's
already set

and we already have 3 women
on the team.

Did--did I
hear you right?

You said you wanna replace
our catcher enrique
with this little filly?

Luanne has a lot
of experience catching me.

But I told her, sir,
that we didn't
have any room--

Enrique, you're fired!

[speaking spanish]

huh. Just kiddin'.
Hank, stick him somewhere.

[players chattering]

(announcer)
strike 3!

Put up another "k"
for peggy hill!

[players shouting]

peggy, peggy,
throw it here.

[sighing]

strike, dag on, 3, man.

[all cheering]

(woman)
looking good! All right.

[crowd chattering]

ok, let's walk
this next batter,

.
set up the double play

oh, hank, I can strike out
this lap dancer in my sleep.

No, it's not
good strategy.

Walk this gal,
and pitch to the one

with the ridiculous implants
up next.

[crowd yelling]

[grunting]

oh, yeah!

[spitting]

outfield shift.

No, no, no, shift back.
That's right. Little more.

[grunts]

safe.

What?

Are you blind?
He was out by 2 steps.

Hey, man, get--
Get out of my face!

You haven't made
a right call
since this game started.

[mumbling]

this isn't about my wife.

I'll kick your ass,
i'll tell you what.

You're out of here!

[grunts]

peggy.

Hello, hank.

?
So, uh, did we win

uh-huh.

How could you
get me thrown
out of the game?

Me? What did I
have to do with it?

It never would
have happened

if you didn't
shift the fielders bac
k after I moved 'em.

You embarrassed me
as your husband,

i--I mean coach.

Well, coach, if you had
moved them to the right place

in the first place--

I told you
to walk that stripper.

What--
That was a week ago.

And I always got
to position players
in my other league.

Oh, sorry. That's right.

You wouldn't know that
because you never
came to watch me.

Well, you never
watched me sell propane.

Hank, I am sick and tired
of always batting last.

It's not fair to me.

You? You're the one
who won't run fast

'cause you're afraid
your hat'll fall off

and your bald spot
will show.

[moaning]

everybody wants
to be a superstar today.

Nobody wants
to be a team player.

You know, when the coach
told mickey mantle
to take a pitch,

and he wasn't too hung-over
to see the sign,

he took the pitch,
I tell you what.

(announcer)
now batting for the army,

william fontaine
delatur dauterive.

[crowd chattering]

all right,
I want you to throw him
some chin music.

Get him off the plate
so he can't
put his gut into it.

You don't know how
to position an outfield.

.
You don't know
when to flip a pancake

and you don't
know jack smith
about pitching.

So back off, coach!

I'm not asking
you as your coach.

I'm asking you
as your husband.

They're all looking at us.

Well, I am not your wife.

I mean, I am your...
Well, on the field, I am--

[whispering]
I love you.

Oh, yeah!

[groans]

[peggy gasps]

[yells]

i'm all right.

I'm all right.

[moans]

[gasping]

[moaning]

ok, peggy,
I get the message.

.
Now put it
over the plate

[laughs]

made your point.

I am trying, hank.
I really am.

[grunts]

[fence clanking]

oh, peggy.

[mumbling]

[groaning]

[laughing]

[moaning]

[gasping]

there's nothin'
wrong with you that
good coaching can't fix.

Bobby, come on
in here, son.

ok.

[mumbling]

all right. Play ball.

hey!

I--i--I can't find
the plate anymore.

Without my pitching,
what am i?

I am just one more
4-eyed boggle champion.

Ok, here's your problem.

You need to tuck
your elbow in more

and release earlie
r in your windmill.

Really? Are you sure?
I think--

Don't think.

Thinking leads
to overthinking.

Just listen to your coach.

(kahn)
oh, my god!
You killed my minh!

Not really.

But you really do suck,
peggy hill.

[sighs]

[peggy grunting]

oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

oh!

Oh, yeah!

ok.

(hank)
we're playin' thatherton's
team today, luanne.

.
Be careful

he'll try
every trick in the book
to mess with the catcher,

including the use
of off-color language.

Tatherton!

Luanne, while
the rest of arlen
was sleeping,

I was out in the yard
throwing strikes.

And it is safe to say
the pitch is back!

[laughing]

oh, peggy.

?
Yeah. I'll bet
you were tucking
that elbow in, huh

just like I told you.

(boomhauer)
tell you what, man,
let's play some dang old ball.

Here we go, peggy.

Keep tuckin'
that elbow in.

[crowd chattering]

(boomhauer)
dang old. Dang old.

Take your base.

(luanne)
aunt peggy, watch out!

[all yelling]

[growls]

who's ready to take
the cookie challenge?

On the left,

bobby's cookies.

Fresh and buttery.

On the right,
arrow girl cookies.

Foul and musty.

Bobby hill, you have mocked
your last arrow girl cookie.

[screams]

[girls muttering]

hey, what are you doing?

Connie, help!
Save the cookies!

No, we're getting rid
of the mud cookies.

Connie, smash 'em.

[munching]

hey!

these are great.
They don't taste like mud.

They taste like...

Uh, butter.

[groaning]

double the butter.

You lied to me.

My boyfriend
is a cookie genius.

Yeah, I am a cookie...
Boyfriend?

man!

[crowd chattering]

(announcer)
going, going, gone!

How are you fixed
for propane, thatherton?

[crowd whooping]

oh, there's a double
off the back fence.

Thatherton takes the lead!

It's the bottom of the 7th
and final inning.

2 outs. Runners
on first and second

and strickland
up only by a run.

Hey, hank, your wife seems
to have lost her stuff.

.
Maybe it's the presence
of a real man on the field

no, it is not.

Tuck that elbow, peggy
. Square your hips.

Drive off the rubber
concurrent with
your release plane.

.
Concurrent, I said

[crowd chattering]

[grunts]

[gasps]

the bases are juiced.

Next up,
former texas ranger
kurt bevacqua.

Time-out there, ump.
God dang it, hank!

Thatherton's got
more people on the bases

than he does
on his payroll.

Oh, shoot!

Your gal's broke,
hank. She's broke.

Find a way to fix her.
You're her husband.

Husband? What does that
have to do with...

hmm.

I got to make
a change, peggy.

I'm sorry. I--I thought
I had it worked out.

Debbie, you're playing
first base.

And you, you strike
this ringer out.

What are you
doing, dad?

I'm making the best
coaching decision
I ever made.

I'm taking myself
out of the game

so I can watch
your mom pitch.

Hey, man,
you don't think
you could hook me up

with some of them
ranger tickets, man?

.
Strike one

[grunts]

strike 2.
Come on, peggy!
One more time.

You can do it, mom!

Take him down, ace!

[crowd yelling]

oh, yeah!

[gasps]

[gasping]

[gulps]

[grunting]

[yelling]

[groans]

dang old.

Whoo-hoo!

Team strickland wins!

[all whooping]

all right!
You did it, peggy!

Oh, hank, you are
the world's greatest coach!

[hank and peggy laughing]

yeah.

oh!

What about that?

'course if dale hadn't
made that catch,

it would have
been a home run.

Oh, please.

We both know
that kurt bevacqua
corks his bat.

He always has
and he always will.

(hank)
peggy, he was usin
g an aluminum bat.

(peggy)
I didn't say
he was smart, hank.

I said he was a cheater.

(boomhauer)
tell you what, man,
let's play some dang old ball.