King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 3, Episode 25 - As Old as the Hills - full transcript

(man)
whoo-hoo!

Listen, guys,
I sent the cards out

about a month ago

for our 20th
wedding anniversary barbecue.

And well,

peggy is kind of a stickler
for those things.

So I'm gonna need
your r.s.v.p.s.

yep.

yep.

Mmm-hmm.

All right, then.
So it's official.



Are you gonna
give her china, hank?

20th anniversary's china.

My marriage
only made it to wood.

No, but after the party,

luanne's going
camping with friends,

and bobby's
going to my dad's.

That means
peggy and I

will have the whole
weekend to ourselves.

So i, uh, won't be
in the alley as much.

20 years.

If your marriage
were a murderer,

it'd probably
be out by now.

[phone ringing]

hmm.



hello. Oh, hi, tracy.

My aunt is so happy
i'm going camping with you.

She and uncle hank
are gonna get so busy.

What?

Do they expect
the forest fire
to last the whole weekend?

[gasping]

bye.

is everything ok,
honey?

Mmm-hmm, oh, yeah,

yeah, they just,
uh, phoned to, um,

remind me to, uh,
bring an extra can of gravy.

[giggles]

yo.

[connie and joseph laughing]

bobby, my camping trip's
been canceled,

and the shelter says
I have to be battered
to stay there.

So can I go
with you to cotton's?

No way. This is
my last chance for grandpa

to spoil me
before the baby's born.

You stay away from him.
He's mine.

He doesn't even
know your name.

Yes, he does.
I'm missy melons.

Remember,
these baby clothes
are just on loan

until I get pregnant
with my 2nd child.

.
Maybe this weekend

it is so unfair that
your eggs are rotten.

Well, for your information
, my eggs are just fine.

It's hank's narrow urethra
that's the problem.

Although no one's to blame.
No, I'm just stating a fact.

[people chattering]

oh, hey! Hey!

I would like to make a toast
to hank and peggy hill-billy.

Ha! They have been
married 20 years.

That a long time.

Minh and I only
been married 13 years.

But, uh, it's quality,
not quantity, that matter.

Last year
on our anniversary,

minh and I bungee jump
off rock 74 bridge.

.
I love you,
minh souphanousinphone

I love you,
kahn souphanousinphone.

[exclaiming]

[both grunting]

oh! You guys didn't
have to do this.

I know,
but nancy said we did.

[dale chuckling]

they're canes.
Read the card.

ok.

"for when the hills
are over the hill."

[dale chuckling]

get it?
Your last name's hill.

Mmm-hmm.

There's not much
to get, is there?

[all chattering]

ok, everybody,
let's settle down.

Now, this is not
my award-winning

the history of propane
slide show,

but it's the next best thing:

my marriage
to Mrs. Peggy hill.

I call it 20 years
of outstanding service.

Oh, hank.

??[music playing]

here we see the early years

when our first home
was an efficiency apartment.

Although it would have been
more efficient

if it was
heated with propane.

(peggy)
our bed was our only
piece of furniture,

and it was all
we needed.

Yep, 'cause it
converted into a couch.

Bobby's head pretty much
regained its shape

and peggy pretty much
regained her shape, too.

[tittering]

seriously, that was the day
bobby was born.

[reel clicking]

(hank)
and here's peggy and me
whooping it up

at the young gasser's ball.

[moaning]

slide show longer
than their marriage.

[all laughing]

(hank)
is this hank and peggy hill
20 years from now?

I hope so,
because I wouldn't
want it any other way.

Here's to 20 more years
of outstanding service.

[dale cheering]

well, I have
summarized our marriage
in a different fashion

that I hope you will
find no less pleasing.

I begin.

"we planted our seed
a long time ago

"and for 20 years
we've watched it grow

"into a beautiful garden
of give-and-take

"and now it's time
to cut the cake

"but before we do,
i'd like to say

[didi yelps]

"i would like to say
i'm so glad you're here today

[didi yelps]
to share with us--"

the baby kicked my insides.

[moans]

it puts on quite a sho
w when it gets goin'.

Didi, show 'em
your gas tank.

[groaning]

(connie)
wow!

(cotton)
this one's busting
to get out.

Not like hank.
Never moved once
while he was in there.

Not even born,
and he already give up.

[all chattering]

well, I'm leaving
for the weekend.

Got my gravy.

Ok, where to?

Anywhere but here.

Oh, not the dressbarn.
I bounced a check.

Or the nail salon,
for the same reason.

k
Bye. Take
a good loo

because the next time
you see me,

.
i'll be spoiled rotten

all right.

Hey, guys,
just letting you know

if you do serve
ice cream for dinner,

I won't tell.

Bobby, this ain't no
baskin-robbins vacation.

Didi's with child.
She's useless.

Now, you can start
by cleanin'
the back of my ears.

[groaning]

[grunts]

[hank sighing]

(hank)
well, that was great.

We ran out of potato salad
and meat at the same time.

Perfect.

I thought my slide show
went over pretty big.

All in all,
a pretty good day.

Happy anniversary, peggy.

Uh, don't wake me up
when you come in.

[sobbing]

look, if you're worried
about the mess,

you can clean it up later.

[crying]

if you're worried
about bobby,

he's gonna be fine
at cotton's.

It's just a weekend.

I had to survive
a whole childhood.

Hank, we're old.

Oh, peggy, that
was just a joke slide.

Although,
the fotomat did make you
look older than me.

No, it's not
the joke slide, hank.

The joke slide
was funny, ok?

It's all the other slides.

I saw a young
married couple,

and I did not
recognize them.

I mean, hank,
we look like strangers.

Strangers who stole
our glasses and our hair.

Well, I assure you
it was us.

Whatever happened
to that young couple

with their dreams
of inventing a steak sauce

and getting rich

or--or taking a train
to alaska?

That couple just
grew up and realized

that there was
too much competition

among existing
steak sauces.

We did ourselves a favor
by abandoning those dreams,
peggy.

Well, maybe
we should just start

using those canes
that dale gave us

and we could bash ourselve
s over the heads

and be done with it.

Look, peggy,

we've both been
looking forward
to this weekend.

The kids are
out of the house,

we've rented
an r-rated movie.

Uh-huh.

We'll fry up some jiffy pop.

Uh-huh.

What movie did you rent?

Platoon.

[panting]

[growling]

ladybird.

It's me, luanne.

[growling]

[whimpers]

oh.

here you go, girl. Gravy.

Good girl. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

yes!

[luanne yelps]

(cotton)
come on, bobby
. In here.

This is the baby's room.

Decorated it myself.

You see this picture?

That's me before
I had my shins blown off.

What's that
you're holding?

Head of a nazi.

.
Oh, no,
it's a canteen

hey, jim, I'm looking
for a nice restaurant

to take my wife to
for our anniversary.

All right, let's see.

Here's that
revolving restaurant
in mcmaynerbury.

Got a "7" in the auto guide.

.
A "7." wow

well, I'll get
my highlighter

and I'll throw together
a triptik for you.

Uh, you want the direct route
or the scenic?

Most folks tell me
the extra 5 minutes
is worth it.

Uh, direct.

??[music playing]

what do you know?

You can see
all of mcmaynerbury.

Huh. There's
that auto mall

they're always
bragging about.

And in about
30 minutes

we will be
facing the sunset.

Hi, can I get you folks
anything to drink?

Oh, you know,
I've never tried
a singapore sling.

I think that has
alcohol in it, peggy.

Unless you want me
to be the designated driver.

Hank, this night is
supposed to be special.

Ok, I won't
have my beer then.

No, I won't have anything.

Well, maybe
we can both drink.

How much do you weigh?

I'll just have water,
thank you.

I'll have a beer.

[spanish movie
playing on t.v.]

[whimpers]

[door opening]

that restaurant
was no "7."

Look, I didn't kno
w the restaurant onl
y revolves at lunch.

You know, that didn't seem
to stop anybody else

from having fun.

Maybe it's because
they were allowed
to drink, hank.

I see.
That's a shot at me.

All right.

.
I'll make you that
singapore sling you wanted

I changed my mind.
I want tequila.

[shudders]

oh, yeah!

oh!

]
[tittering

that was fun.

Haven't done that
in a long time.

Mmm-hmm.
Less talk, more limes.

??[happy anniversary
by little river band playing]

?
? Happy anniversary, baby

?
? Got you on my mind ?

That little river band
sure was good.

Yep, they were a real "7."

Now will you
just let that go, will ya?

Just enjoy the music.

.
There's no music, hank

all there is,
is the sound
of an empty house.

[vacuum cleaner whirring]

[whimpering]

what was that?

Just the sound
of all the childre
n we never had.

I couldn't give 'em
to you, peggy.

It's my fault.

I have a narrow urethra.
Yes, I do.

This is my urethra.

[blowing air]

nothing. I ran
the 40 in 5.9 seconds,

but my fellas
haven't reached
the end zone in 12 years.

What are we
gonna do now?

[grunting]

e
well, I'm gonna do
what I should have don

a long time ago.

Here I go.

Peggy, wait.

[grunting]

hold on.

[groans]

why are you throwing out
the baby stuff?

I thought we were
gonna give it to didi.

She doesn't need
our baby stuff.

She has a baby.

No, peggy,

i'm the one that deserves
to be thrown out.

Hank, don't go
in there without me.

[crashing]

[hank and peggy snoring]

[groaning]

[sighing]

[groaning]

you wanna go out
for some pancakes?

(cotton)
bobby, get in here.

Bobby, this is topsy.

Topsy baby-sat your daddy,
when he was a boy,

and he's gonna
baby-sit your uncle, too.

I need the money.
Mmm-hmm.

You're the au pair
they were talking about?

.
Come here, son,
so I can get
a good look at you

(cotton)
go on, bobby.

Let topsy get
a look at you.

ok.

I'm not gonna bite you.

He can't.

Had all his teeth yanked
out of his head

'cause they was green.

Get a little closer.

My eyes ain't as good
as they used to be.

Topsy's legally blind.

[inhaling]

[screams]

[laughing]

do it again, topsy.

Could you please
not use the turn signals?

I'm not using
the turn signals.

That's the vein
in the side of your head
pounding.

Well, I don't feel
any better yet, do you?

Wait till you
have the hotcakes.

[tires screeching]

whew. Hair of the dog.

[speaking spanish]

you know, peggy,
I was thinking.

Maybe we could
do some traveling.

Maybe take that trip
to alaska after all.

.
Oh, I have always
wanted to see
spain or australia

oh, who are we
kidding, hank?

We can't go anywhere.

Not until
ladybird dies

and bobby moves
out of the house.

Hank, look.

huh!

Let's do that.

Do what?

Parachute.

.
Kahn and minh
bungee jumped off a bridge

why can't we
jump out of a plane?

Kahn and minh are nuts.

I have given you

20 years of
outstanding service, hank.

I don't know.

Look, we fell asleep
in a garbage can
last night.

You want that
to be the highlight
of our 20th anniversary?

(cotton)
didi woman,
light me a cigar.

I hope he treats the baby
better than he treats you.

Oh, he will, bobby.

Until the baby
crosses him.

(cotton)
didi woman,
where's my lunch?

h
A man can
starve to deat

waiting for yo
u to serve him.

I'm going to
the bottomless pit

to watch some naked women
dance while I eat.

(woman)
and we're closed
on thursdays, ok?

Happy landings.

(peggy)
happy landings to you, too.

?
So what'd they say

well, they're
all booked up

for the rest
of the month.

[sighs]

but they have
a couple of spots
open today.

Geronimo.

Where's that sock?

(didi)
cotton's grandson.

(bobby)
oh, coming.

[grunts]

great. I just took those
out of the dryer.

Where did all
this water come from?

Bobby, my water broke.

It means the baby's
almost done.

now?
Soon.

You have to
phone cotton.

I don't know the number
for the bottomless pit.

It's number 1
on the speed dial,

and number 3.

.
Bobby, this better be good

the next gal up
plays ping-pong
without a paddle.

(bobby)
didi's gonna
have the baby.

We'll meet you
at the hospital.

But didi can't drive.
You took all--

Come on, topsy.

.
Let's roll

which way is
the houston hospital?

I'm not sure.

Pull over and ask
for directions.

I can't do that.
I shouldn't even
be driving this car.

[groaning]

I know where
the arlen hospital is.

It's 2 hours away.
Can you hold it in?

[didi moaning]

[cars honking]

go around!
Please, go around!

I can't see where I'm going.

Put it on cruise control
and stand on the seat.

That's what cotton does
when we pass an accident.

I can't.

The red light
keeps telling me to brake.

[moans]

I think you need to release
the parking brake.

Oh, fart!

[honking]

ok, you're all here
for different reasons,

and personally,
I don't care what
those reasons are.

But you'll be
joined together

by the one thing
I do care about:

parachuting.

You have never
experienced anything

like what you're about
to experience here today.

Nothing comes close,
not even sex.

Don't get me wrong.
I like sex. A lot.

But parachuting is...

God, it's hard to explain.

This guy may be
able to skydive,

.
but he sure can't
teach worth a damn

mmm-hmm.

Well, teaching is
much harder than it looks.

"excuse me
while I kiss the sky."

??[synthesizer playing]

[gasps]

good. Next.

[moaning]

[engine humming]

first time?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Me, too.

It's our 20th
wedding anniversary.

Congratulations.

I've wanted to do this
ever since I was a kid.

I'm a virgin.

Where's my wife?

H-hello?

(cotton)
do somethin', topsy.

[inhaling]

[screaming]

oh, do somethin' else.

[didi moaning]

come on, pick up.
Pick up.

I don't wanna
see her privates.

She's my grandmother.

[whimpering]

[ringing]

[foreign accent]
charlie's pizza.

[shouting]

go!

[hank screaming]

[laughing]

oh, my god.

I can see strickland propane
from here.

It's beautiful.

[gasping]

you wanna jump or not?

You got my check.
What do you care?

[sighing]

peggy, wasn't
that amazing?

Whoo-hoo!
Yeah, we did it!

Mrs. Hill, your
husband's on the radio.

Peggy, you were right.
It's amazing!

It's like selling
a million grills
all at the same time

with extended warranties.

You've got to do it.

Hank, I--I can't.

We have to turn
the plane around.

You wanna jump or not?

.
Uncle hank,
didi's at the hospital

.
she's having
the baby right now

oh, my god.

Peggy, great news.
Didi's having the baby.

I'm about to be a brother.
What a day!

(hank)
peggy, can you hear me?

Yes, hank.

That's wonderful news.

We will be landing
in just a few minutes.

Wait.

I changed my mind.

Peggy hill
is gonna jump.

[screaming]

[imitating fat albert]
hey, hey, hey!

This is terrific.

[hooting]

[moaning]

(nurse)
oh, the head is crowning.

Oh, jeez!

It's got hair.

(nurse)
where're you going, daddy?

Don't you wann
a cut the cord?

The cord!
Pull the cord!

Whoo-hoo!

ok.

Your emergency cord!

[grunting]

hey!

[screaming]

peggy?

[gasps]

? And I'm free ?

? Free fallin' ?

? Yeah, I'm free ?

? Free fallin' ?

? Free fallin' now I'm ?

? Free fallin' now I'm ??