King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 3, Episode 19 - Hank's Cowboy Movie - full transcript
Hank and his friends make a video to persuade the Dallas Cowboys to relocate their training camp to Arlen.
Dad, only 2 more inches to wichita falls
2 and a quarter, bobbygood eye, son
hey, what's the best way
to get to corpus christi?
Well, the quickest way
is straight down here
but the best way
is to go through arlen
it's one of george bush's
communities of excellence
arlen, huh?
Is that where you're headed?
No, sir we're on our way
to wichita falls
we're gonna see
the training camp
of the dallas cowboys
they used to be in austin
till, well, you know
but like my dad says,
"cowboys will be cowboys"
[nervous laughter]
I say that in private, son
(announcer)
welcome to wichita falls,
training camp of the former
world champion dallas cowboys
yeah! Way to go, cowboys!
Irvin's looking good
this year, huh, dad?
Yup I'm giving him
an "a" minus
i'm giving him
a "b" plus
that gives him
some room to improve
good idea, son
and I'm giving troy aikman
a "b" plus, too
that's not funny, bobby
[whistle blowing]
dad, look
they forgot one
of their footballs
shh
follow me
sweet jethro pugh!
The super bowl has come down
to one play fourth down,
aikman drops back
to pass
irvin heads for
the goal line
[whispering]
that's you, bobby
oh, ok
troy's under pressure
he fires
into the end zone
and hits michael irvin
for a touchdown!
[groans]
dang!
Uh, hold on a minute
uh, pass interference
cowboys retain
possession
and they run out the clock
uh, turns out
they were ahead all along
the cowboys win
the super bowl!
(both)
the cowboys win
the super bowl!
The cowboys win
the super bowl!
[both exclaiming]
well, hooray
where are you guys from?
Arlen, texas
pig town
you a pig farmer?
Uh, I think
you're confused, sir
we don't raise pig
s in arlen, texas
we process them
oh, yeah
you folks make them
tiny breakfast weenies
but you're gonna have
to leave now
wow! Did you
just see that, dad?
He added an extra move
when he gave me the blizzard
an extra little twirl
they don't do that
in arlen
wichita falls
is the greatest place
I have ever been
in my life
$109
what? In arlen,
they're 99 cents
in arlen, it's not
the official blended
frozen dairy product
of the dallas
cowboys training camp
[slurping]
[sighs]
??[hank humming]
? Stampede!
Go you dallas cowboys, go ??
Hey, dad, look
[grunting]
[gibbers]
ah!
[grunting]
(hank)
well, I'll be dipped
excuse me we're looking
for the assistant manager
[bell jingling]
jeff, there's
some guys out here
dang it all,
jeff jr,
I wasn't finished
with my nap
hello, there
i'm hank hill,
and I sell propane
and propane accessories, too,
in arlen, texas
I gotta say,
I sure envy you
after a hard day's wor
k at a job you love,
you get to take your son
to see the cowboys
I am so sick of you
south texas pig jockeys
coming in here,
waking me up to tell me,
"how about them cowboys!"
arlen stinks
and wichita falls rules
and you know why?
'cause in 5 minutes,
I can be inside
the great state of oklahoma
go, sooners!
What?
??[singing discordantly]
go, sooners!
Stop!
Go, sooners!
Cut it out!
Stop it! Stop it now!
[gibbering]
stampede!
Go, sooners! Go!
Stampede!
Go dallas cowboys, go!
Go, sooners!
Come on!
[groans]
"magic fingers"
ooh, I like magic
[quavering]
? I'll tell you what I want,
what I really really want ??
[yells]
get off of there, bobby
you're not 18
this is the coolest be
d I have ever seen
[quavering]
they don't have beds
like this in arlen
they certainly do not
look what I found
in the nightstand
what the heck is this?
This is the tape
that wichita falls made
to show how great
it is here,
and they sent it
to the cowboys
and that's why they came
? Do you want
to watch my tape? ??
[vcr clicking]
(narrator)
wichita falls
is really excited about
bringing the dallas cowboys
to our city
this north texas town
is a perfect spot
for the training camp
of the dallas cowboys
north texas,
my foot!
More like
south oklahoma
well, whatever you call it,
I like it
more than "pig town"
what? Now, you wash
your mouth out right now
with 2 or 3
of those little soaps
phew!
I never noticed what a dump
this town is before
[yawns]
[sniffs]
what's that smell?
[making retching noises]
I think
i'm gonna throw up
ugh
it's just
a sausage plant
that smell
means jobs, bobby
[sniffing]
(man on tv)
the state-of-the-art mall
is anchored by
dillard's and jc penney
and our restaurants
include both
chili's and bennigan's
chili's and bennigan's
well, bobby sure had
a good time on your trip
[sighs]
yeah too good
now he's down
on his hometown
all his dreams from now on
are gonna be about leaving
and then some high-school
guidance counselor
is gonna tell him
to follow his dreams
then how will he end up?
A fruit pie salesman
with a whoopee cushion
living in wichita falls
hank, it's happening
to the best
of our young people
there is nothing here
for them
last week,
2 6th-graders told me
they wanted
to be astronauts
you can't find work
as an astronaut
in arlen, hank
uh-uh not anymore
[sighs]
I've been trying
to hire some teenagers
at strickland
for months
no one wants to be
a tank wipe these days
(hank)
and the problem is,
our kids are leaving
hank is right
if all the childre
n leave arlen,
there will be no young
to take care of our old
our old will feed off
our very old
our very old
who are not eaten
will wish
they had been
eaten
uh, dale, that's not
gonna happen
not if we do something
about it
we are going to keep
our young people
by bringing the dallas cowboys
training camp to arlen
[all exclaiming]
I know
it's a long shot,
but what if we make
a movie about arlen
and send it
to the cowboys?
Do you really think
we can make a movie, hank?
I know we can
we used to make movies
all the time
remember, dale?
You practically slept
with that little camcorder
practically?
I was going to be
the next zapruder
except nobody shot
a president after that
nobody knew
what he was doing
sugs, as a professiona
l on-air personality,
I would be glad
to donate my services
I've always wanted
to branch out
from weather
to hard infotainment
uh-huh, and every
good movie starts
with--with what?
A good script
yeah, pass the salt, please
hey, peggy,
you're a writer
you could writ
e the script
me? Well, all right
I will do it
for the children of arlen
and I will be
the president
of the movie
tell you what, man
all you need is get
one of them
dang old narrators, man
just like
the movie trailer guys, man
like, "in a world where love
is against the law"
you know,
something like that
yeah! Or we could put you
in an armadillo suit
bill, you'll be
in charge of snacks
oh, well,
this calls for sopapillas
all right! Yeah!
How about
them cowboys!
(hank)
sopapillas for everyone!
In wichita falls,
this button doesn't stick
welcome, jerry jones
i'm nancy hicks-gribble,
and I'll be
your tour guide
on a magical journey
through arlen, texas,
the next training camp sit
e of the dallas cowboys
sharks may be scary,
as is the spearlike marlin,
but fear not, jerry,
for landlocked arlen
is darlin'
(hank)
cut!
we're gonna get
the cowboys
let's not get ahea
d of ourselves, dale
now, I noticed you were
jiggling the camera a bit
we really don't need
any fancy camera tricks
just point and shoot
got you consider me
a human tripod
with an invisible 3rd leg
like you cowboys,
arlenites are
rugged individualists
we are do-it-yourselfers,
for your information
that's d-i-y-f-y-i
one more reason
arlen is darlin'
cut! Ok
that was written ok
and acted pretty good,
but it needs, uh
it needs, hmm,
let me think about this, uh
[grunts]
all right,
let's do it again,
maybe a little better
this time
I don't care
what hank says, sug'
I think your scrip
t is just wonderful
well, thank you, nancy
I got that rhyming idea
from charles kuralt
or was it
charles osgood?
Wait which one
was the one
with the mistress
and the winnebago?
Oh, they all
fool around, sug'
[laughs]
anyway, your script
is brilliant
I wouldn't change
a word
well, now that
you mention it,
you did change
one teeny little word
really? Did i?
Yes you said "arlenites"
instead of "arlenians"
oh, that's the channel 84
preferred term
for residents of arlen
well, technically,
residents of arlen
are called arlenians
as a substitute educator,
I would know that
[laughing]
well, you're
the writer, sug'
i'm just the professional
television personality
like you cowboys,
arlenites
i'm duct-tapin
g your zoom
oh!
(boomhauer)
hey, man,
old heat rash, man
uh, dang old hot
not happy,
you know what I mean?
Boomhauer, we'll get
to you tomorrow, I promise
yeah, man, talk about
your dang old hurry up
and wait, man
thanks, man
gosh! I don't know
who's sweating more,
me or the cheese
you look
tired, dad
I guess it's hard
to get enough rest
when you're
presidenting a film
yup
see, I'm gonna do
a big shot from up here
do you really think
the cowboys
would move to arlen?
I sure do, son
imagine what it'll be like
we'll go to ge
t autographs
and troy aikman will toss
the ball around with you
I wish I could have ha
d "dandy" don meredith
or roger staubach
throwing me passes
when I was your age
even craig morton
would have been all right
I love you, bobby
what?
Ah, nothing
hey, look at that bird
[monkeys chattering]
dale, stop putting
your bug truck
in the background
of all the shots
what kind of message
are we sending?
Arlen is full
of bugs?
You think
that's all I do?
I killed 8 gophers
last year
and a purebred
tennessee walking horse
that was looking
at me funny
did you know that
that prima donna
had the gall to sugges
t changing my slogan
"
from "arlen is darlin'
to "arlen: where super bowls
are born"
where super bowls
are born
huh where is nancy, anyway?
Well, Miss priss is poutin
g in her trailer
she won't do
my snake scene
??[music playing
on car stereo]
[car tires screeching]
[sighs]
thank god you're here,
john redcorn!
Nancy won't come out
of the bug-abago
[birds squawking]
nancy has a headache
and requires treatment
I will need
about an hour
and a bottle
of asti spumante
i'll get it
that's it
you have pampered
that woman long enough
put me on camera
right this second
come on, come on
the snakes and I
are ready to go
uh, maybe we should give
john redcorn
a few more minutes
[peggy whooshing]
do you know
what that is?
no
Let me tell you
that is the sound
of arlen's future
going right down
the toilet
?
and do you know
whose butt is on that seat
well, it's yours, hank
it's your butt
dale, get the camera
ok, we're rolling
now, just try to relax
and remember,
all the cowboys
will be watching you
it's feeding time here
at the world-famous
arlen snake farm
you cowboys have
a lot in common
with these hungry vipers
r
they devour rodents
just the way you devou
opponents
[squeaking]
(hank)
time out
uh, that was, uh
uh, oh!
Look, here's nancy now
uh, nancy, peggy was just,
uh, standing in for you
now, honey,
if you'll just, uh
, step aside
nancy, why don't
we do this one
with your new slogan,
"arlen: where
super bowls are born"
oh, I'll say
my slogan, sug',
but I'm not touching
that little mouse
oh, ho, ho, ho
! Yes, you are
[gasping]
[shrieking]
hey, hey, hey, man!
Get him off! Get him off--
[boomhauer gibbering]
[hank groans]
[screeching]
[screaming]
[grunts]
get off my cheese!
cut!
Bobby, help me
save the cheese!
cut!
[nancy screaming]
cut it out!
[monkeys screeching]
]
[screaming
I quit!
Peggy, if you've ever
loved the cowboys,
apologize to her
she said "arlenite"
it's "arlenian"
arlenian arlenian
either I get an apolog
y or guess what?
I quit
well, you just quit, sug'
[sobbing]
then I quit!
If peggy quits
, I quit
oh, man!
Dang old, man! I quit
hank, you have bullyragged
this production
and stifled my creativity
from day one
it is now day 2
I quit!
[monkeys chattering]
what about
the cowboys?
The cowboys!
It's ok, dad
we were crazy
to try and compete
with wichita falls
i'll do this
on my own
hello, jerry jones
i'm hank hill
i'll be your quarterback
on a game-winning drive
through arlen, texas,
the next training camp site
of the dallas cowboys
[glass squeaking]
i'm standing here
at the 50-yard line
of tut rampy field,
the future site
of the dallas cowboys
training camp
you see? You're just
a dot at this distance
yeah,
so edit it bigger
that's why I'm here
hank, I'm the best
uhf editor in texas
but I can't work miracles
you've got no master shot,
you've crossed
the action axis,
the sound's horrible
I guess that was
all my responsibility
as president
[sighing]
all I wanted to do
was get my son
to love this town
as much as I do
where did I go wrong, tom?
Where?
Dad's talking to
the tom landry plate again
hello, nancy?
It's peggy
I would like
to apologize to you,
one arlenite to another
no, I was the one
who said "arlenian"
that's why
this is an apology
all right
let- let's just agree
to disagree
now, I'm gonna need
to borrow your home movies
dave, I hear you're
the best television editor
in all of texas
uhf
(peggy)
the reason
I've called you all here
is to show you a video
which we will be sending
to the dallas cowboys
tomorrow morning
it was made over the years
by each and every one of us
??[music playing]
(bill)
and that's after havin
g 2 chickens!
Boy, was I drunk!
(bobby)
look how smooth
my bottom was!
(hank)
bobby!
[bobby laughing]
[laughing]
(dale)
aw!
[hank laughs]
you know, I made that barbecue
out of 2 old barbecues
[sighing]
[dale guffawing]
[laughs]
? We're gonna get
the cowboys ?
? We're gonna get
the cowboys ??
Hey, dad
hello, bobby
well, the cowboys
thanked us for the video,
but they have no plans
to move to arlen
in the near future
and they've sent us
a little rubber football
so, uh, I guess this means
you're gonna leave us
when you grow up, huh?
Yeah, I'll probably leave,
but it's not for a while, dad
i'm only 12
we've still got plenty
of time together
yeah and even after
you move,
wichita falls is only
a 6-hour drive
but I can't be a prop comi
c in wichita falls
i'm moving
to new york city
or hollywood
maybe vegas
[sighs]
well, at least
it's not wichita falls
well, I may keep a place there
for tax purposes
hey, you wanna try
the little football?
All right
hike it to me
and go out for a pass
how about
you hike the ball
and go out
for the pass?
The crowd
is going wild
[cheering]
roger staubach
goes back to pass
roger's in trouble
he scrambles
roger the dodger
gets away
he throws
into the end zone
it's complete
to my dad, hank hill!
Touchdown!
!
The cowboys wi
n the super bowl
!
the cowboys wi
n the super bowl
!
the cowboys wi
n the super bowl
? Go! ?
? Go! Dallas! Cowboys! ?
? It's the gold team
of the senior pros ?
? Let the whole world
hear our bugles blow ?
? Stand up! ?
? Stampede ?
? Go you dallas cowboys ?
? Go! ??
(hank)
sweet jethro pugh!
2 and a quarter, bobbygood eye, son
hey, what's the best way
to get to corpus christi?
Well, the quickest way
is straight down here
but the best way
is to go through arlen
it's one of george bush's
communities of excellence
arlen, huh?
Is that where you're headed?
No, sir we're on our way
to wichita falls
we're gonna see
the training camp
of the dallas cowboys
they used to be in austin
till, well, you know
but like my dad says,
"cowboys will be cowboys"
[nervous laughter]
I say that in private, son
(announcer)
welcome to wichita falls,
training camp of the former
world champion dallas cowboys
yeah! Way to go, cowboys!
Irvin's looking good
this year, huh, dad?
Yup I'm giving him
an "a" minus
i'm giving him
a "b" plus
that gives him
some room to improve
good idea, son
and I'm giving troy aikman
a "b" plus, too
that's not funny, bobby
[whistle blowing]
dad, look
they forgot one
of their footballs
shh
follow me
sweet jethro pugh!
The super bowl has come down
to one play fourth down,
aikman drops back
to pass
irvin heads for
the goal line
[whispering]
that's you, bobby
oh, ok
troy's under pressure
he fires
into the end zone
and hits michael irvin
for a touchdown!
[groans]
dang!
Uh, hold on a minute
uh, pass interference
cowboys retain
possession
and they run out the clock
uh, turns out
they were ahead all along
the cowboys win
the super bowl!
(both)
the cowboys win
the super bowl!
The cowboys win
the super bowl!
[both exclaiming]
well, hooray
where are you guys from?
Arlen, texas
pig town
you a pig farmer?
Uh, I think
you're confused, sir
we don't raise pig
s in arlen, texas
we process them
oh, yeah
you folks make them
tiny breakfast weenies
but you're gonna have
to leave now
wow! Did you
just see that, dad?
He added an extra move
when he gave me the blizzard
an extra little twirl
they don't do that
in arlen
wichita falls
is the greatest place
I have ever been
in my life
$109
what? In arlen,
they're 99 cents
in arlen, it's not
the official blended
frozen dairy product
of the dallas
cowboys training camp
[slurping]
[sighs]
??[hank humming]
? Stampede!
Go you dallas cowboys, go ??
Hey, dad, look
[grunting]
[gibbers]
ah!
[grunting]
(hank)
well, I'll be dipped
excuse me we're looking
for the assistant manager
[bell jingling]
jeff, there's
some guys out here
dang it all,
jeff jr,
I wasn't finished
with my nap
hello, there
i'm hank hill,
and I sell propane
and propane accessories, too,
in arlen, texas
I gotta say,
I sure envy you
after a hard day's wor
k at a job you love,
you get to take your son
to see the cowboys
I am so sick of you
south texas pig jockeys
coming in here,
waking me up to tell me,
"how about them cowboys!"
arlen stinks
and wichita falls rules
and you know why?
'cause in 5 minutes,
I can be inside
the great state of oklahoma
go, sooners!
What?
??[singing discordantly]
go, sooners!
Stop!
Go, sooners!
Cut it out!
Stop it! Stop it now!
[gibbering]
stampede!
Go, sooners! Go!
Stampede!
Go dallas cowboys, go!
Go, sooners!
Come on!
[groans]
"magic fingers"
ooh, I like magic
[quavering]
? I'll tell you what I want,
what I really really want ??
[yells]
get off of there, bobby
you're not 18
this is the coolest be
d I have ever seen
[quavering]
they don't have beds
like this in arlen
they certainly do not
look what I found
in the nightstand
what the heck is this?
This is the tape
that wichita falls made
to show how great
it is here,
and they sent it
to the cowboys
and that's why they came
? Do you want
to watch my tape? ??
[vcr clicking]
(narrator)
wichita falls
is really excited about
bringing the dallas cowboys
to our city
this north texas town
is a perfect spot
for the training camp
of the dallas cowboys
north texas,
my foot!
More like
south oklahoma
well, whatever you call it,
I like it
more than "pig town"
what? Now, you wash
your mouth out right now
with 2 or 3
of those little soaps
phew!
I never noticed what a dump
this town is before
[yawns]
[sniffs]
what's that smell?
[making retching noises]
I think
i'm gonna throw up
ugh
it's just
a sausage plant
that smell
means jobs, bobby
[sniffing]
(man on tv)
the state-of-the-art mall
is anchored by
dillard's and jc penney
and our restaurants
include both
chili's and bennigan's
chili's and bennigan's
well, bobby sure had
a good time on your trip
[sighs]
yeah too good
now he's down
on his hometown
all his dreams from now on
are gonna be about leaving
and then some high-school
guidance counselor
is gonna tell him
to follow his dreams
then how will he end up?
A fruit pie salesman
with a whoopee cushion
living in wichita falls
hank, it's happening
to the best
of our young people
there is nothing here
for them
last week,
2 6th-graders told me
they wanted
to be astronauts
you can't find work
as an astronaut
in arlen, hank
uh-uh not anymore
[sighs]
I've been trying
to hire some teenagers
at strickland
for months
no one wants to be
a tank wipe these days
(hank)
and the problem is,
our kids are leaving
hank is right
if all the childre
n leave arlen,
there will be no young
to take care of our old
our old will feed off
our very old
our very old
who are not eaten
will wish
they had been
eaten
uh, dale, that's not
gonna happen
not if we do something
about it
we are going to keep
our young people
by bringing the dallas cowboys
training camp to arlen
[all exclaiming]
I know
it's a long shot,
but what if we make
a movie about arlen
and send it
to the cowboys?
Do you really think
we can make a movie, hank?
I know we can
we used to make movies
all the time
remember, dale?
You practically slept
with that little camcorder
practically?
I was going to be
the next zapruder
except nobody shot
a president after that
nobody knew
what he was doing
sugs, as a professiona
l on-air personality,
I would be glad
to donate my services
I've always wanted
to branch out
from weather
to hard infotainment
uh-huh, and every
good movie starts
with--with what?
A good script
yeah, pass the salt, please
hey, peggy,
you're a writer
you could writ
e the script
me? Well, all right
I will do it
for the children of arlen
and I will be
the president
of the movie
tell you what, man
all you need is get
one of them
dang old narrators, man
just like
the movie trailer guys, man
like, "in a world where love
is against the law"
you know,
something like that
yeah! Or we could put you
in an armadillo suit
bill, you'll be
in charge of snacks
oh, well,
this calls for sopapillas
all right! Yeah!
How about
them cowboys!
(hank)
sopapillas for everyone!
In wichita falls,
this button doesn't stick
welcome, jerry jones
i'm nancy hicks-gribble,
and I'll be
your tour guide
on a magical journey
through arlen, texas,
the next training camp sit
e of the dallas cowboys
sharks may be scary,
as is the spearlike marlin,
but fear not, jerry,
for landlocked arlen
is darlin'
(hank)
cut!
we're gonna get
the cowboys
let's not get ahea
d of ourselves, dale
now, I noticed you were
jiggling the camera a bit
we really don't need
any fancy camera tricks
just point and shoot
got you consider me
a human tripod
with an invisible 3rd leg
like you cowboys,
arlenites are
rugged individualists
we are do-it-yourselfers,
for your information
that's d-i-y-f-y-i
one more reason
arlen is darlin'
cut! Ok
that was written ok
and acted pretty good,
but it needs, uh
it needs, hmm,
let me think about this, uh
[grunts]
all right,
let's do it again,
maybe a little better
this time
I don't care
what hank says, sug'
I think your scrip
t is just wonderful
well, thank you, nancy
I got that rhyming idea
from charles kuralt
or was it
charles osgood?
Wait which one
was the one
with the mistress
and the winnebago?
Oh, they all
fool around, sug'
[laughs]
anyway, your script
is brilliant
I wouldn't change
a word
well, now that
you mention it,
you did change
one teeny little word
really? Did i?
Yes you said "arlenites"
instead of "arlenians"
oh, that's the channel 84
preferred term
for residents of arlen
well, technically,
residents of arlen
are called arlenians
as a substitute educator,
I would know that
[laughing]
well, you're
the writer, sug'
i'm just the professional
television personality
like you cowboys,
arlenites
i'm duct-tapin
g your zoom
oh!
(boomhauer)
hey, man,
old heat rash, man
uh, dang old hot
not happy,
you know what I mean?
Boomhauer, we'll get
to you tomorrow, I promise
yeah, man, talk about
your dang old hurry up
and wait, man
thanks, man
gosh! I don't know
who's sweating more,
me or the cheese
you look
tired, dad
I guess it's hard
to get enough rest
when you're
presidenting a film
yup
see, I'm gonna do
a big shot from up here
do you really think
the cowboys
would move to arlen?
I sure do, son
imagine what it'll be like
we'll go to ge
t autographs
and troy aikman will toss
the ball around with you
I wish I could have ha
d "dandy" don meredith
or roger staubach
throwing me passes
when I was your age
even craig morton
would have been all right
I love you, bobby
what?
Ah, nothing
hey, look at that bird
[monkeys chattering]
dale, stop putting
your bug truck
in the background
of all the shots
what kind of message
are we sending?
Arlen is full
of bugs?
You think
that's all I do?
I killed 8 gophers
last year
and a purebred
tennessee walking horse
that was looking
at me funny
did you know that
that prima donna
had the gall to sugges
t changing my slogan
"
from "arlen is darlin'
to "arlen: where super bowls
are born"
where super bowls
are born
huh where is nancy, anyway?
Well, Miss priss is poutin
g in her trailer
she won't do
my snake scene
??[music playing
on car stereo]
[car tires screeching]
[sighs]
thank god you're here,
john redcorn!
Nancy won't come out
of the bug-abago
[birds squawking]
nancy has a headache
and requires treatment
I will need
about an hour
and a bottle
of asti spumante
i'll get it
that's it
you have pampered
that woman long enough
put me on camera
right this second
come on, come on
the snakes and I
are ready to go
uh, maybe we should give
john redcorn
a few more minutes
[peggy whooshing]
do you know
what that is?
no
Let me tell you
that is the sound
of arlen's future
going right down
the toilet
?
and do you know
whose butt is on that seat
well, it's yours, hank
it's your butt
dale, get the camera
ok, we're rolling
now, just try to relax
and remember,
all the cowboys
will be watching you
it's feeding time here
at the world-famous
arlen snake farm
you cowboys have
a lot in common
with these hungry vipers
r
they devour rodents
just the way you devou
opponents
[squeaking]
(hank)
time out
uh, that was, uh
uh, oh!
Look, here's nancy now
uh, nancy, peggy was just,
uh, standing in for you
now, honey,
if you'll just, uh
, step aside
nancy, why don't
we do this one
with your new slogan,
"arlen: where
super bowls are born"
oh, I'll say
my slogan, sug',
but I'm not touching
that little mouse
oh, ho, ho, ho
! Yes, you are
[gasping]
[shrieking]
hey, hey, hey, man!
Get him off! Get him off--
[boomhauer gibbering]
[hank groans]
[screeching]
[screaming]
[grunts]
get off my cheese!
cut!
Bobby, help me
save the cheese!
cut!
[nancy screaming]
cut it out!
[monkeys screeching]
]
[screaming
I quit!
Peggy, if you've ever
loved the cowboys,
apologize to her
she said "arlenite"
it's "arlenian"
arlenian arlenian
either I get an apolog
y or guess what?
I quit
well, you just quit, sug'
[sobbing]
then I quit!
If peggy quits
, I quit
oh, man!
Dang old, man! I quit
hank, you have bullyragged
this production
and stifled my creativity
from day one
it is now day 2
I quit!
[monkeys chattering]
what about
the cowboys?
The cowboys!
It's ok, dad
we were crazy
to try and compete
with wichita falls
i'll do this
on my own
hello, jerry jones
i'm hank hill
i'll be your quarterback
on a game-winning drive
through arlen, texas,
the next training camp site
of the dallas cowboys
[glass squeaking]
i'm standing here
at the 50-yard line
of tut rampy field,
the future site
of the dallas cowboys
training camp
you see? You're just
a dot at this distance
yeah,
so edit it bigger
that's why I'm here
hank, I'm the best
uhf editor in texas
but I can't work miracles
you've got no master shot,
you've crossed
the action axis,
the sound's horrible
I guess that was
all my responsibility
as president
[sighing]
all I wanted to do
was get my son
to love this town
as much as I do
where did I go wrong, tom?
Where?
Dad's talking to
the tom landry plate again
hello, nancy?
It's peggy
I would like
to apologize to you,
one arlenite to another
no, I was the one
who said "arlenian"
that's why
this is an apology
all right
let- let's just agree
to disagree
now, I'm gonna need
to borrow your home movies
dave, I hear you're
the best television editor
in all of texas
uhf
(peggy)
the reason
I've called you all here
is to show you a video
which we will be sending
to the dallas cowboys
tomorrow morning
it was made over the years
by each and every one of us
??[music playing]
(bill)
and that's after havin
g 2 chickens!
Boy, was I drunk!
(bobby)
look how smooth
my bottom was!
(hank)
bobby!
[bobby laughing]
[laughing]
(dale)
aw!
[hank laughs]
you know, I made that barbecue
out of 2 old barbecues
[sighing]
[dale guffawing]
[laughs]
? We're gonna get
the cowboys ?
? We're gonna get
the cowboys ??
Hey, dad
hello, bobby
well, the cowboys
thanked us for the video,
but they have no plans
to move to arlen
in the near future
and they've sent us
a little rubber football
so, uh, I guess this means
you're gonna leave us
when you grow up, huh?
Yeah, I'll probably leave,
but it's not for a while, dad
i'm only 12
we've still got plenty
of time together
yeah and even after
you move,
wichita falls is only
a 6-hour drive
but I can't be a prop comi
c in wichita falls
i'm moving
to new york city
or hollywood
maybe vegas
[sighs]
well, at least
it's not wichita falls
well, I may keep a place there
for tax purposes
hey, you wanna try
the little football?
All right
hike it to me
and go out for a pass
how about
you hike the ball
and go out
for the pass?
The crowd
is going wild
[cheering]
roger staubach
goes back to pass
roger's in trouble
he scrambles
roger the dodger
gets away
he throws
into the end zone
it's complete
to my dad, hank hill!
Touchdown!
!
The cowboys wi
n the super bowl
!
the cowboys wi
n the super bowl
!
the cowboys wi
n the super bowl
? Go! ?
? Go! Dallas! Cowboys! ?
? It's the gold team
of the senior pros ?
? Let the whole world
hear our bugles blow ?
? Stand up! ?
? Stampede ?
? Go you dallas cowboys ?
? Go! ??
(hank)
sweet jethro pugh!