King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 3, Episode 20 - Dog Dale Afternoon - full transcript

Dale:
COME ON, BABY!

TURN OVER!

YOU CAN DO IT!

TURN OVER, BABY!

COME ON!

COME ON!

COME ON,
COME ON,
COME ON

COME ON, COME ON...

( grunting )

AAH...!

HANK, MY MOWER
WON'T START.



MIND IF I BORROW YOURS?

( chuckling ):
ALMOST TURNED
OVER, DIDN'T SHE?

( chuckling ):
YEAH, SHE WAS TEASING ME.

( chuckling ):
YOU DIDN'T TRY
TO START IT, DALE.

THERE WERE NO ENGINE NOISES.

I'LL TRY TO START IT.

CAN I BORROW SOME GAS?

DON'T WASTE MY GAS.

WE BOTH KNOW IT'S
NOT GOING TO START.

THEN WHY MUST YOU
TORTURE ME LIKE THIS?

( disgusted sigh )

NOW, THAT'S WHERE
I WANT THE TANK
WHEN IT COMES BACK.

WITH GAS, NOT WATER,
THIS TIME.

THAT WAS AQUAHOL.



DALE!

( frustrated groan )

Hank:
...SO I TAPPED HIM
ON THE SHOULDER

AND SAID WITH
A STRAIGHT FACE

"MAYBE YOU WANT TO
PUT A LITTLE LACQUER

IN THAT VARNISH."

UH, LONG STORY SHORT,
HE PUT SOME LACQUER IN IT.

WAIT A MINUTE.
I KNOW THAT ENGINE.

DAMN IT, DALE!

HANK, I'M ONLY
HALFWAY DONE.

YOU CAN'T GO OUT
LOOKING LIKE THAT.

( gasping )

HEY, I'M GOING
TO BORROW YOUR DRILL.

WHERE'S MY MOWER?!

OH. SO YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHERE YOUR MOWER IS.

YES!

IT RAN OUT OF GAS

DOWN PAST THE GAS STATION.

I'LL HELP YOU
PICK IT UP TOMORROW.

YOU'RE NOT TOUCHING
MY MOWER EVER AGAIN.

YOU LEFT IT OUT
IN THE STREET

WHERE ANY WEIRDO
COULD JUST RUB
UP AGAINST IT.

HANK, WHAT WOULD
WEIRDOS BE DOING

NEAR THE GAS STATION?

WHAT WOULD WEIRDOS BE DOING
NEAR THE GAS STATION?

( sighs )

OH, MY GOD!

WHAT DOES IT SAY?

NOTHING!

UH, HANK, YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T
FINISH MOWING MY LAWN!

DON'T EVEN ASK IF YOU
CAN BORROW MY MOWER, DALE.

LIKE I WOULD BORROW
THAT PIECE OF JUNK.

( scoffs )

BOOMHAUER, CAN I BORROW
YOUR MOWER?

I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT, MAN...

LOAN YOU MY
MONOPOLY SET, MAN...

COME BACK... DANG OL'
TOP HAT'S GONE...

BOARDWALK GOT
MUSTARD STAINS

AND PARK PLACE,
TOO, MAN...

DANG, OL' MOM
COME OVER...

END UP PLAYIN'
STRATEGO, MAN.

BILL, CAN I BORROW
YOUR MOWER?

OKAY.

LIKE I WOULD BORROW
THAT PIECE OF JUNK.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

YOUR FLY IS DOWN.

IT'S MY YARD.

YEP.

YEP.

MM-HMM.

DALE, PROBABLY DOESN'T
WANT TO SHOW HIS FACE--

HIS LAWN BEING
SO SHAGGY AND ALL.

HE'S FEELING
LIKE LESS THAN A MAN.

CASTRATED, YOU KNOW.
I'VE BEEN THERE.

WELL, DON'T FEEL
SORRY FOR DALE.

DALE ABUSED OUR TRUST.

( gasping )

OH, MY GOD...

DID YOU...
CAN IT BE?

IT, IS THAT...?

NO, IT'S DALE!

ON A NEW MOWER!

( horn beeping )

SAY HELLO TO THE ALLEGRO X9J--

CODE-NAMED REDEEMER
AT THE MASON MOWER SKUNK WORKS

INSIDE MOUNT HOOD.

73 DECIBELS OF TWIN-BARREL,
FOUR-STROKE WAR CRY!

ALL AT A PRICE
I CAN'T REALLY AFFORD.

( laughing )

SHE'S A BEAUTY, DALE.

DID YOU GET
A GOOD TRADE-IN
ON YOUR OLD ONE?

THAT THING?

I PUSHED IT INTO A LAKE
THREE MONTHS AGO.

Bill:
YOU LOOK SO... MANLY
SITTING UP THERE.

CAN I TAKE HER
FOR A SPIN?

I'M PRETTY SURE THAT WOULD
VIOLATE THE WARRANTY, BILL.

OH, COME ON, DALE.
YOU USED HANK'S MOWER
AND EVERYTHING...

THAT IS A WATERTIGHT SEAL.

I CAN MOW MY LAWN
IN A HURRICANE.

CAN YOU MOW YOUR LAWN
IN A HURRICANE, BILL?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU CAN'T MOW YOUR LAWN

IN A HURRICANE.

CAN YOU, BOOMHAUER?

I TELL YOU WHAT, MAN...
POSITRACTION GOING ON...

LITTLE CHOKE HOLD, MAN,
STARTED...

BULLCORN!

OH, ALMOST FORGOT.

HANK, CAN YOU MOW YOUR LAWN
IN A HURRICANE?

NOPE. DIDN'T THINK SO.

HA-HA-HA-HA!

HOW DO I KNOW
IT'S JACK RUBY'S HAT?

WELL, IF I'M GOING
TO SPEND MONEY ON IT

I GOT TO KNOW
IT'S JACK RUBY'S HAT.

ALL RIGHT.
WHAT COLORS DOES IT COME IN?

( gun pops )
AAH!

( laughing )

NEXT TIME IT MIGHT NOT BE A BB!

I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE HERE FOR.

DALE, THIS ISN'T HOW
I WANTED YOU TO FIND OUT.

QUIT SCREWING AROUND
WITH MY MOWER!

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING.

I DON'T KID ABOUT MY MOWER.

NOW, GET INSIDE
AND START MASSAGING MY WIFE.

HE'S TAKING SOME OF THE FUN
OUT OF THIS.

IF DALE WATERED DOWN
THE GAS AGAIN...

MMM, NOPE.
THIS IS SODA POP, HANK.

THAT'S JUST GREASE.

RACE YOU
AROUND THE BLOCK.

YOU WRECKED MY MOWER
WITH YOUR DAMN SODA!

MMM. IT'S MR. PIBB.

I HEARD BOBBY
SAY HE DID IT.

SAID HE HAD A SCORE
TO SETTLE WITH YOU.

SOMETHING ABOUT A WOMAN.

I THINK SOMETHING BAD

IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN
TO THAT MOWER.

OH, I DOUBT THAT, HANK.

IT'S A BRAND-NEW MOWER.

OH, I GET IT.

ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TELL YOU.

THANK YOU, HANK.

♪ 'CAUSE ONCE YOU RIDE A MASON ♪

♪ VROOM! VROOM! ♪

♪ NOTHING ELSE CUTS IT. ♪

YOU GONNA TALK?

OR YOU GONNA MOW?

( gulps )

WHA...?

( gasps )

NO!

( long, sustained yelling )

( chuckles )

HANK, MY MOWER'S GONE!

SOMEBODY STOLE MY MOWER!

TELL ME YOU
SAW SOMETHING.

YOU'RE THE
NEIGHBORHOOD SNOOP.

WELL, I DID FIND THESE
LYING AROUND.

( screams )

LOOK AT THE DATE
ON THAT PAPER.

THAT'S TOMORROW'S NEWSPAPER.

WHO WOULD HAVE ACCESS
TO A PAPER FROM THE FUTURE

YOU MIGHT ASK?

THE PAPER BOY.

THAT'S TODAY'S PAPER, DALE.

THE DATE ON MY WATCH
HAS BEEN SET INCORRECTLY.

WHEN DID THE PAPER BOY
HAVE ACCESS TO MY WATCH?

AAH, IT'S PROBABLY
HALFWAY TO MEXICO.

THAT IS A MEXICAN DOG.

OH, YOU THINK
THAT DOG DID IT?

THAT DOG I-IS
UP TO NO GOOD.

HANG IN THERE, DALE.

EVEN IF YOU NEVER GET
TO SEE YOUR MOWER AGAIN

YOU'LL STILL HAVE
THE BROCHURE.

THANKS.

YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS
ARE MY BEST FRIENDS.

( all chortling )

THE JOKE'S ALWAYS
BEEN ON ME.

( snickering )

ALL MY LIFE, FOLKS WERE
ALWAYS PLAYING JOKES ON ME.

AND NO WONDER--

IT'S FUN!

( evil chuckle )

THIS ISN'T SOME KIND
OF ELABORATE JOKE ON ME, IS IT?

( snickering )

I FOUND THIS
ON OUR DOORSTEP.

D-UH... THAT'S MY OIL FILTER.

SUG, I'M NOT A LICENSED
BOUNTY HUNTER

BUT SHOULDN'T THEY EITHER
ASK FOR RANSOM

OR STOP SENDING YOU CLUES?

WHY WOULD SOMEONE
SENSELESSLY TORTURE ME

UNLESS THEY WERE...

MY ENEMIES.

BOIL UP SOME MOUNTAIN DEW.

IT'S GONNA BE
A LONG NIGHT.

DAD'S A THIEF.

MOM, CAN I CHECK
HIS DRAWERS

FOR THAT HOT WHEELS
I LOST?

HANK, BOBBY TELLS ME

WE HAVE A NEW VEHICLE
IN THE GARAGE.

MAYBE YOU WOULD
LIKE TO EXPLAIN
TO YOUR SON

WHY YOU STOLE YOUR
BEST FRIEND'S MOWER.

OH. ( chuckles )

UH, WELL, YOU SEE, BOBBY...

UH, THIS ISN'T STEALING.

WE WERE GOING TO GIVE IT BACK
AFTER WE MADE MR. GRIBBLE...

UH, SOMETIMES,
THINGS THAT ARE JOKES

SEEM A LITTLE MEAN,
BUT THEY'RE ACTUALLY FUNNY.

OH, I SEE.

KIND OF LIKE WHEN THEY FED
THE FOURTH-GRADE GERBIL

TO THE FIFTH-GRADE SNAKE.

NO, BOBBY. THIS IS FUN.

IT'S NOT MEAN OR DISHONEST.

BUT DON'T TELL JOSEPH, OKAY?

Peggy:
BOBBY, HONEY

GO PLAY OUTSIDE.

YOUR FATHER AND I HAVE
SOMETHING TO DISCUSS.

ALL RIGHT, WE CAN
USE PHOTO SHOP

AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE
LEE HARVEY OSWALD'S

RIDING ON HIS MOWER.

Hank:
HAVE YOU BEEN SLEEPING, DALE?

YOU GOT KIND OF THAT
COUNTY FAIR SMELL.

CHECK IT OUT.

IT'S FINALLY MAKING SENSE.

OSWALD... MOWER...
GRASSY KNOLL... HUH?

THAT PHOTO
DOESN'T EVEN
LOOK REAL, DALE.

( chuckling )

WELL, I'D LIKE TO LIVE

IN YOUR FAIRY-TALE
WORLD, HANK

BUT THE FAIR PLAY
FOR CUBA COMMITTEE

IS RETROFITTING
MY MOWER'S ENGINE

TO POWER FIDEL CASTRO'S

ONE-MAN ESCAPE-SUB.

HUH. DALE, WHY DON'T YOU RELAX.

HAVE A BEER.

NO BEER.

GOT TO STAY SHARP.

( chuckling )

HE'S GOING CRAZY.

YEAH, MAN,
TELL YOU WHAT, MAN.

THAT DANG OL' MARGOT KIDDER, MAN

WANDERING AROUND IN THE DANG OL'
CURLED-UP CARDBOARD BOX.

♪ WHEET-WHEET. ♪

YEAH, BUT I THINK

WE OUGHT TO GIVE
THE MOWER BACK.

WE'RE PUTTING EXTRA STRESS
ON A STRUCTURE

THAT WASN'T UP TO CODE
IN THE FIRST PLACE.

LET'S TELL HIM IT WAS US.

WELL, THAT'S EASY
FOR YOU TO SAY.

IT'S NOT YOUR NAKED BUTT
IN THAT PICTURE.

YOU TOOK
THE MONEY.

STILL...

It's me, Sug.

NANCY?

ALL RIGHT, I'LL BUZZ YOU IN.

( making long buzzing sound )

SHOULDN'T YOU GET SOME SLEEP?

SLEEP?

I'VE NEVER FELT SO ALIVE.

THIS IS WHERE ALL THE
PREPARATION PAYS OFF.

THE BINGING.

THE PURGING.

THE CONSTANT INOCULATIONS.

( phone ringing )

IT'S ME.

( lawnmower motor
running sounds )

( Bill giggling on phone )

THEY KNOW I'M GETTING CLOSE.

SUG, YOU'VE GOT
TO GET UP EARLY

TO KILL THE TERMITE
LARVA AT THE COLLEGE.

YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO STAY DOWN HERE
ALL NIGHT, ARE YOU?

TIME HAS NO MEANING FOR ME.

WHAT IS IT?

1:00 A.M.? 3:00 A.M.?

IT'S 6:00.

A.M.?

NO.

OH.

IS DINNER READY?

ALL RIGHT, I WAS
GOING TO HAVE JANE FONDA

OBSERVING THE AUTOPSY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?
IS THAT TOO MUCH?

THE BOY AT KINKO'S SAID
IT WAS TOO MUCH.

( sighs )

WELL, WHEN HE GETS HOME,
TELL HIM IT WAS A JOKE

AND THE MOWER WAS COMFORTABLY
LUBRICATED AT ALL TIMES.

OKAY.

I DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU'D WANT TO FOOL
DALE LIKE THAT.

I MEAN,
IT'S NOT HARD

IF YOU'RE SOMEBODY
HE TRUSTS.

BUT, HEY, WHATEVER
TURNS YOU ON.

THAT'S WHAT
I ALWAYS SAY.

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO SPEAK CLEARER.

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN,
WHATEVER IT IS

THAT YOU'RE EATING, BILL,
TAKE IT OUT.

OUT! OUT! TAKE IT OUT!

OKAY, THAT'S BETTER.
THANK YOU.

UH-HUH.

HANK, IT'S BILL.

HE SAYS DALE'S
GONE CRAZY.

I WAS AT JUNIOR COLLEGE PLAYING
SOME PINBALL WITH THE BOYS

AND DALE'S UP IN THE TOWER.

HE'S UP THERE WITH A GUN!

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

DON'T CALL THE POLICE

unless Dale starts shooting.

OKAY-- I ALREADY
CALLED THE POLICE.

WHAT THE...?

CLEAR THE AREA.

GO, GO, GO!

GET SOME SHARP SHOOTERS

ON THE ROOF
ACROSS THE STREET-- NOW!

( humming )

WHERE IS HE?

IS HE STILL UP
IN THE TOWER?

WHO? THE SNIPER?

HE'S NOT A SNIPER,
HE'S MY FRIEND.

DALE WOULDN'T
SHOOT ANYBODY.

BUT HE IS PRESIDENT
OF THE GUN CLUB.

YES, HE IS PRESIDENT.

BUT ONLY BECAUSE HE OWNS
THE MOST GUNS.

YES, IT'S ALL A BIG JOKE,
ISN'T IT?

UNTIL SOMEONE GETS HURT.

MR. GRIBBLE

WE HAVE THE TOWER SURROUNDED.

PUT DOWN YOUR GUN.

IT'S JUST A WAND.

( screaming )

THAT'S RIGHT, DALE!

SHOW 'EM WHO'S BOSS!

THE POLICE AREN'T
TRAINED FOR THIS.

LET'S GO, GUN CLUB.

BUT DALE'S
OUR PRESIDENT.

I DIDN'T VOTE
FOR HIM.

Dale:
I HAVE A HOSTAGE.

A RUSTY SHACKELFORD.

( Rusty's voice ):
GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTS.

I CAN'T SEE THE HOSTAGE.

THERE IS NO HOSTAGE.

"RUSTY SHACKELFORD"
IS THE FAKE NAME

HE ORDERS PIZZA WITH.

LOOK, HERE'S HIS MOWER.

THIS WAY, SIR.

JUST TELL HIM
YOU'VE GOT HIS MOWER

AND THAT IT'S SAFE.

WE HAVE YOUR MOWER.

I KNOW THAT, FIDELITO.

HANK, I WAS RIGHT.

THESE CUBANS HAVE MY MOWER.

WATCH OUT!

OH... PLEASE,
THIS IS MY FAULT.

DALE, COME DOWN HERE
BEFORE SOMEBODY GETS HURT!

TOO LATE.

I KILLED SHACKELFORD.

( gasps )

NO, NO. CORRECTION.

SHACKELFORD WANTS A PIZZA.

WHAT THE HELL'S
GOING ON UP THERE?

AND I WANT MY MOWER BACK

WITH ENOUGH GAS
TO GET TO CANADA.

WHAT DOES THE BOOK SAY?

I DON'T KNOW.

UH... MAYBE...
TEAR GAS.

...AN APOLOGY.

I WANT THE CIA
TO SELL OFF

ITS FANTASTIC SAMS

HAIRSTYLE AND SUBSIDIARY.

( sniffing )

AAH. IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?

I USE STRONGER THAN THIS
TO KILL SQUIRRELS.

Boomhauer:
HEY, YO, DALE, MAN.

COME ON, MAN.
WHAT YOU DOING UP THERE?

MAN, ALL COMIN' CRAZY, MAN.
COME ON DOWN, MAN...

BOOMHAUER, IF I EVER HEARD
ANYONE READING A SCRIPT

THAT WAS IT.

Hank:
WAIT, NO!

LET ME GO UP THERE.

HE'LL LISTEN TO ME.

WELL, GEE, HANK

I'D THINK YOU'D BE THE PERSON

DALE WOULD MOST WANT TO KILL.

HANK, I LOVED DALE, TOO

BUT THE DALE WE KNEW
NO LONGER EXISTS.

NOW, THERE'S JUST A
BLOODTHIRSTY MAD DOG

OUT TO KILL, KILL, KILL.

OH...

OFFICER, PLEASE

LET ME GO.

IF HE STARTS FREAKING OUT,
JUST DUCK

AND WE'LL SHOOT HIM
IN THE HEAD.

DON'T SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD.

BOOK SAYS "HEAD."

Hank:
HEY, DALE?

DALE, IT'S HANK HILL,
YOUR FRIEND.

OUR THIRD-GRADE TEACHER
WAS MR. ST. GEORGE.

OH, I KNEW IT.

THERE'S NO GUN,
SO YOU CAN ALL GO HOME NOW.

DRIVE SAFELY.

Sergeant ( on radio ):
We're not quite done here.

Why don't you bring Mr. Sniper
down and we'll talk this over.

NO. THAT'S THEIR PLAN.

ONE SHOT ON THE WAY DOWN
ELIMINATES THE GRIBBLE PROBLEM.

THEN THE CUBAN ROBOT SOLDIERS

HAVE ONLY STEVE WYNN
STANDING BETWEEN
THEM AND WICHITA.

DALE, THERE ARE NO ROBOTS

AND THERE ARE NO CUBANS.

IF THERE ARE NO CUBANS

HOW DO YOU ACCOUNT
FOR DESI ARNAZ?

OKAY, THERE ARE CUBANS

BUT THEY HAD NOTHING
TO DO WITH... ( sighs )

ALL RIGHT. YOU WANT
TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?

WHEN YOU GOT YOUR MOWER

YOU WERE SORT OF ACTING
LIKE A JERK, AND...

WELL, I'M NOT PROUD
OF WHAT I DID, BUT...

Sergeant:
Mr. Hill, move six inches
to your left to clear a path

for the you-know-what
into Mr. Gribble's head.

NO!

LISTEN, DALE, WE'RE THE ONES
WHO TOOK YOUR MOWER.

BILL, BOOMHAUER AND ME--
YOUR FRIENDS.

IT WAS MY IDEA.

UH... WH... WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

Mr. Hill, you dropped something.

Don't you want to bend down...

CUT IT OUT.

PLEASE, DALE,
COME ON DOWN

BEFORE YOU
GET YOURSELF KILLED.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

THE ONLY POSSIBLE SCENARIOS

ARE CASTRO'S ESCAPE-SUB
OR YOU TOOK IT

AND YOU WOULD NEVER BETRAY ME.

( sighs )

WE TOOK IT, DALE.

YOU, UH, WROTE YOUR NAME
UNDER THE SEAT.

CALLED YOURSELF A COLONEL.

IT WAS JUST A JOKE.

JOKES START WITH
"KNOCK, KNOCK"

OR "WHAT DO YOU GET
WHEN YOU CROSS A..."

YOU KNOW, YOU USED TO BE
ON MY LIST OF TRUSTABLES

AND IT WAS A
VERY SHORT LIST.

I WASN'T EVEN ON IT.

BUT NOW... I
JUST DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS YOU'RE
NOT MY FRIEND.

DALE, IF I COULD
DO IT AGAIN, I'D...

HEY, WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?

I AM TOO YOUR FRIEND.

I'M AS GOOD A FRIEND

AS A WEIRDO LIKE YOU
IS EVER GOING TO HAVE.

NOW, COME ON,
WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.

DO YOU TRUST ME OR NOT?

ATTENTION, MEN IN POLICE SUITS:

I HAVE DECIDED TO
TRUST YOUR PATSY--

MY GOOD FRIEND
HANK HILL.

NOT YET.

I'M COMING DOWN.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO SHOOT ME

I WANT BOBBY HILL
TO TAKE THE SHOT

BECAUSE BOBBY WILL
PUT ME DOWN CLEAN.

OKAY.

STAY CALM.

IF THEY WERE
GOING TO SHOOT YOU

THEY'D HAVE
DONE IT ALREADY.

THEY WANT ME TO WET
MY PANTS FROM FEAR

BUT THEY'RE TOO LATE.

WHO'S THAT?

VIGILANTE!

HANK!

THERE HE IS!
UP ON THE ROOF!

HANK, NO! UH...

HANK, NO, DON'T-DON'T DIE.

OH, GOD, YOU'RE DYING.

( gasps )

I'LL NEVER
FORGET YOU, HANK.

I WILL BURY YOU
IN MY BACKYARD.

I'LL-I'LL DEDICATE
MY LIFE TO PROPANE

AND DON'T YOU WORRY
ABOUT PEGGY.

I'LL KEEP BILL
AWAY FROM HER.

I'M FINE, DALE.

BUT IF YOU'RE SERIOUS
ABOUT THE PROPANE

I'VE GOT SOME PAMPHLETS...

YOU'RE FINE!

YOU'RE WEARING
A BULLETPROOF VEST.

YOU THOUGHT I WAS
GOING TO SHOOT YOU.

WELL, THAT, OR SPRAY ME
WITH POISONOUS CHEMICALS.

I THOUGHT YOU'D KILL YOURSELF
RIGHT AFTER.

I WOULD HAVE, TOO.

CAN YOU MOW YOUR LAWN
IN A HURRICANE?

NOPE. DIDN'T THINK SO.
HA-HA-HA-HA!