King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 3, Episode 18 - Love Hurts and So Does Art - full transcript

(hank)
huh?

"new york style deli"?

They think that's
a selling point?

Wow! They've got pictures
of celebrities on the walls.

Howie mandel.

[hank sighs]

what's a k-nish?

Honey, it's
pronounced "nish."

The "k" is silent,
and I have no idea.

Stuffed kishkes?
Kreplach?

Even in my dreams,
i--I never dreamed a place



like the show biz deli
could exist.

It's food
with a punch line.

Tongue?

They're trying to feed us
all the animal parts

they're supposed
to throw away.

Let's go.

Fine.

Dad, can I at least go
to the bathroom before we go?

Uh, all right.

[dishes clinking]

[clears throat]

put a louie anderson
in a bag to go.

I'll leave the money
on the hand drier.

Hey, bobby, here's
your teen peopleback.



You were right.

Neve campbell really
likes rock climbing.

Hey, sharise,

looks like you
dropped something.

Way to be in 2nd grade, craphead.

I have tried tripping her,
I've hid her lunch.

I'm running out
of ways to show he
r that I like her.

I assume you tried throwing
utility balls at her head.

I can't ask he
r to the dance

unless I know
she likes me.

God, you're lucky.

Connie likes you.
So after the dance
,

you know you'r
e getting a kiss
.

and then you'll have
a girlfriend.

And then I'll be
your nerdy friend

who doesn't
have a girlfriend.

I'm gonna go whack sharise
in the butt with a shovel.

(bobby)
see, connie wants to go
to this dance.

Oh, your first
middle-school dance.

How romantic.

You'll hold each other close
and move in a circle

over and over again,

and then if she doesn't
pass out drunk on you, well,

then the night will end
in a clumsy, slobbery kiss
.

about that kiss...

Oh, it'll be magical.

Nothing will ever
be the same

between you and connie
ever again.

You know, connie and I
practice-kissed once already

and nothing changed.

.
Yeah. But this is
a middle-school dance kiss

this is a real kiss.

Remember marie?
I kissed her

and then things got
really complicated
and she dumped me.

I thought the pain
would never go away.

That was a real kiss.

[chomping]

[sighing]

so you really like
the chopped chicken liver.

I love it! It's meat
I can eat with a spoon.

I get it in a drum
from a catalog.

.
It's a lot easier
than italian food
like my last place

did you know you have
to heat up italian food?

Well, you gotta melt
the cheese.

You know,
i'm feeling a lot better.

I think I will have
that herring plate
after all.

Attaboy!

.
I thought I was gonna
have to throw that out

oh, yeah!

Peggy?
huh?

g
Look, I got an invitation
to some kind of art openin

at the dallas museum
of modern art.

Now, either dale's
pulling a prank

or you've been
sending money to p.b.s. Again.

Not me. They have
not got a penny

since their cheap mug
cut my lip.

On the other hand,
maybe it would be fun
to go to an art opening.

There'd be new,
not-dale-bill-boomhaue
r people to talk to.

There might
even be dancing.

Dancing?

Oh, bobby, that reminds me.

Connie's mom and I
are trying to coordinate
dropping you guys off

at your middle-school dance.

Now, they can fit 8
in their minivan.

Do you know
if sharise's hip is healed?

Yeah, I think so.
I gotta go.

Where are you
off to, son?

To the mall.

You know, where, um,

all those sports field
s are near.

I tell you what,
bobby sure has
gotten active lately.

No, hank, I think
something's wrong.

He's not eating
his supper.

And you saw
what just happened

when I tried to talk
to him about the dance.

y
A 12-year-old boy
running off to pla

rather than talk
about prom dresses
with his mom

sounds pretty normal
to me.

Normal. What do you know.

[moans]

so then... Bobby?

?
You want me
to slow down some more

[groaning]

so, anyway, maybe you and
I could go to the dance,

if you want.

Uh, that sure sounds
like fun, connie,

but I'm not certain
i'm 100 percent.

I think I stubbed my toe.

That's why I'm wearing
my mom's tennis shoes.

Your toe will be bette
r by next week.

Or it could be worse.

I only know that
i'll be praying for it
to get better,

so we can go
to the dance.

But praying
usually doesn't work.

[bobby groans]

[sighs]

oh, thank god,
there'll be ice again!

[phone ringing]

.
luanne!
I could use a hand

(luanne)
now you put it
in the freezer.

[sighs]

[mumbles]

what is it?

(woman on phone)
mr. Hill,

i'm calling
from the dallas museum
of modern art.

Did you receive the invitation
to the opening?

Yes, and when I threw it out,
I thought you'd get the idea.

Very well.
If you do decide to attend,

your parking is free

since your photograph
is in the exhibit.

My photograph?
What photograph?

I don't know.
I work for the catering.

We just need to know
how much cheese to buy.

How many people?
60.

8 pounds.

Bobby, what did I tell you
about the funny walks?

"
"not in the house.

But this isn't
a funny walk.

My toe really hurts.

Your big toe?

Uh-huh.

hmm.

Bobby, now listen to me.

Put yourself
in a 3-point stance.

From football, bobby,
before the snap.

Oh, yeah.

[groaning]

[yells]

bobby, it looks like
all that activity
you've been up to

has finally caught up
with you.

You've got turf toe.

What do I do about it?

Well, you play through
the pain.

And I get to take you
to the heimlich county
sports medicine center.

[laughs]

we can laugh at all the people
with tennis elbow.

Excuse me, sir,
did you throw out
your elbow

playing golf
or tennis?

Tennis.

[both snickering]

.
you know, bobby,
we gave you
a dumb middle name

bobby hill, Dr. Tannenbaum
is ready to see you.

Now, you 2 go ahead.

I'll be here until midnigh
t filling out these
endless damn h.m.o. Forms.

Oh, shoot! I put bobby dow
n as my own father.

!
Oh, damn these h.m.o.s

so what's it
gonna be, doctor?

Whirlpool,
deep-heat massage?

Or are you just
gonna tell my son

to play through the pain,
'cause I'll support that.

None of that
will be necessary.

According to the blood test,
your boy here has gout.

Gout?

i...

[moaning]

guess who filled out
all the forms?

[imitating fat albert]
hey, hey, hey!

[laughs]

well, gout occurs

when uric acid crystals form
in the bloodstream

and collect
in an extremity.

Like bobby's big toe.

Now, hold on. Maybe turf toe
was a pipe dream, but gout?

That's an
old man's disease.

Hey, I'm not gonna
tell you it's normal

for a 12-year-old boy
to get gout,

.
but it happens

like that feral boy
they found surviving
on pig excrement.

What you need to do
is quit pumping your boy

full of
purine-rich foods.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

And those are?

Preserved fish
like anchovies or herrings

and organ meats, you know,
kidneys, hearts, liver.

The boy's not a ghoul.
He doesn't eat that stuff.

Is there liver
in chopped chicken liver?

Because that's what's
on a louie anderson.

What?

I've been getting it
at the show biz deli.

[moans]

bobby's gout
will clear up

if he stays off
those deli foods.

I-in the meantime,
I thought this might help.

[gasps]

does it come
with a hat?

I just can't figure out
what picture of me

somebody would wanna put
in a museum.

The only photo circulating
in the public

is my high-school
football picture.

Well, it could
be anything.

The internet is full
of pictures

of each and every one
of you.

'course you'd know tha
t if you ever visited
my web site.

Well, I guess
i'll find out tonight
when we go to dallas.

At least peggy's
excited about it.

She's talking about
putting on earrings.

Uh, what else
was she thinking about
putting on, hank?

[stutters]

pumps?

[groans]

now I know what
mona lisa's husband felt like

when he headed off
to that museum.

It's pride, hank.

You know, I might
still be able to fit
into the old uniform.

Think that would
be appropriate?

Well, we'll ask.
Now, luanne,

remember what I told you
about bobby's diet.

Yeah, if I haven't
heard of the food

that he wants to eat,
he cannot eat it.

Mmm-hmm,
mmm-hmm.

[grunting]

where are you going?

Oh, I'm just shuffling off
to the living room.

!
And away we go

I specifically asked bill
not to give him that hat.

(man on p.a. System)
walking man. Walking man.

Walking man. Walking man.

Walking man.

Someone really
ought to fix that thing.

Walking man.

Uh, hank, you better
turn that back on.

[static buzzing]

[gasps]

ok, let's keep moving.

I wonder what
they're all staring at.

(hank)
probably the best
running back

arlen high has ever known.

That's what I was staring at
the whole ride here.

[both laugh]

well, you know...

[people murmuring]

"empty bowl,
bhopal, india."

"beef filled colon,
arlen, texas." huh!

Look, hank,
dr. Morley took this x-ray.

That's the name
of your doctor.

Oh, dear lord!

Hank, honey,
I think this is your colon

from when
you were constipated.

Oh, my god!

Hank, please,
people are starting to look.

Uh, excuse me,
this is my work.

My art is not
to be touched.

If you want interactive art,
there's a highly overrated
collection in toronto.

Your work?
That's my colon!

ooh!

Hank, maybe
we should just go.

Not without
my property.

[grunting]

stop that. Stop that.
Security!

Damn it!
I'm a human being,

not some kind of freak
that you can put up
on display.

My doctor says
it's very rare.

I'm the only kid under 70
to get this

outside the gout belt
in the lower balkans.

I'll be happy to entertain
any questions.

Yes, you.

Will your toe be better
in time for the dance?

I'm sorry, connie,

I was pointing
to the gentleman behind you.

Answer the question.

Uh, I'm sorry, um,

I was pointing
in front of you to joseph.

Are you taking connie
to the dance?

I'm sorry, I think
we've run out of time.

[student coughing]

[bell ringing]

[students chattering]

leave the tub.

What's wrong, bobby?
Girl trouble?

huh?

Oh, no, carl,
it's just the gout.

You got the gout.

What causes that?
Tick bite?

Nobody knows.

So, hank,

[snickering]

I heard about
your big opening.

[snickering]

[coughs]

yeah, dale, it's even funnier
the 3rd time.

,
Hey, hank hill

.
look what I buy
in gift shop at museum

.
you sign it.
It be worth more money

hey, whoo!

Look at me,
i'm hank hill

and I just
passed wind!

Quick, somebody
frame it!

[both laughing]

[yelps]

hey, there nothing
funny about this,

you hillbilly moron.

Can't you see
the juxtaposition
of hank's clogged-up colon

with that skinny,
starving kid

make deep statemen
t about something?

They cast stones
at your colon
from ignorance, hank.

Your ass is genius.

Can you get me
on guest list

for chichi
art gallery parties?

Coming through.

[sighs]

guess what the school nurs
e got for me today?

I'll give you a hint.

[bell ringing]

[sighs]

[knocking]

hi, Mrs. Hill.

Um, bobby left his spoon
at my house.

Well, thank you, connie.

I will let bobby know
that you returned it.

?
By the way,
how's his toe gout

do you think he's goin
g to get better in time
for the dance?

Well, of course he is, honey.
But why do you...

oh.

oh!

oh!

I've gotta go.

Honey, listen to me.

Caring for bobby is nothing
to be embarrassed about.

Oh, yeah?

He named his
swollen toe madam,

and she talks
with a french accent.

I did not know that.

Well, it's still not as bad
as seeing your husband's colon
on the wall.

I know, it's hanging
in our den.

Well, bobby's had a taste
of show biz,

and it does not agree
with him.

No more deli foods
for him.

He is doing everything he can
to get back on his feet

in time for that dance.

]
??[humming

I see by your face
you did not know
about the rascal.

??[music playing]

[chomping]

bobby?

What are you doing?

[sniffs]

you smell like cat food.

You're eating
chopped liver, aren't you?

It comes
with the platter.

Bobby, I searched
every shop

looking for
just the right dress,

which I finally found,

and here you are
eating all this stuff
that gives you gout.

I just came in
to use the restroom.

Bobby, I found some
gadempta meat in the back.

I know
how you like it.

[sobs]

you would rather
stuff yourself and roll around

in your stupid electric cart
than take me to the dance?

Well, I guess I would.

[sniffling]

carl, give me a plate
of kippers and onions.

I don't know, bobby.

Don't you think
you've had enough?

[yelling]
well, I'll tell you
when I've had enough.

[bell ringing]

hey, connie, I got
a new deck of cards.

You wanna come over
and play cards this weekend?

Why don't you play it
with your chicken livers?

I'm going to the dance.

But I told you
I didn't want to g
o to the dance.

I know. I'm going
with someone else.

[students chattering]

I've got gout!

Uh, sir,

if I could just get off
a few hours early,

I need to go to dallas.

Oh, right, right.
That picture
of your butt-pipe

with all that beef
gumming up the works.

You gotta
chew more, honey.

.
When I think of
what they're doing
to the good name of beef..

Those damn oprahs.

And what ain't good
for beef

ain't good
for barbecues, hank.

And what ain't goo
d for barbecues

ain't good
for propane.

I came to take down
that picture
of my private insides.

As for the indian fella,

I guess that's between
you and him.

All right, Mr. Hill,
I think we've had enough.

.
Security!
Throw that man out

i'll do you one better.
Sheriff.

[police radio chattering]

all right. You the fellas
who perpetrated this art?

You're under arrest.

What are you
talking about?

I've got the right
of free expression.

Oh, you can have
all the free speech you want

within the law.

And in the state of texas,

there's a law
against defaming beef.

Sheriff, my colon.

You realize you will
never have another

avant-garde art exhibit
in this state!

We'll get by.

Hank hill, running back,

circa 1974,

picture by kodak, usa.

[car horn honking]

.
(connie)
bye, mom. Bye, dad

(minh)
have fun, kahn jr.
You got your pepper spray?

Yes, mom.

(kahn)
use it on those hillbillies,
no matter what.

I wanna see that empty
when you come home.

[kahn laughing]

[groans]

[bill laughing]

[brakes screeching]

git!

[groans]

[dale yells]

[thudding]

[tires screeching]

I figure it's all
for the best with connie.

This way I can concentrate
on my new act.

[french accent]
hello, my name is madam.

I'm here
to start the show.

[in normal voice]
I guess I'm not feelin
g real on right now.

I just can't believe
she would stop
being friends with me.

I guess I do like

this delicious
new york style food better

than I like her.

Well, then how come
all you've done tonight
is talk about connie?

And you haven't touched
your chicken liver.

Carl, bring me
my rascal.

??[music playing]

hmm?

whoa!

[grunts]

[groaning]

[cart crashing]

??[love hurts
by nazareth playing]

? Love hurts ?

[grunts]

? Love scars ?

? Love wounds ?

? And mars any heart ?

[grunting]

? Not tough ?

? Or strong enough ?

? To take a lot of pain ?

? Take a lot of pain ?

? Love is like a cloud ?

? It holds a lot of rain ?

? Love hurts ?

? Ooh, ooh ??

[moans]

[grunting]

??[how do I live
by leann rimes playing]

[moans]

[grunts]

? How do i, how do I ?

? Oh, how do I live ?

? Without you? ?

[grunting]

? There'd be no sun
in my sky ?

? There would be no love
in my life ?

Connie! Connie!

Bobby?

[groaning]

are you ok, bobby?
Where's your cart?

You can't danc
e in a cart.

Where's your date?

Mmm, there is no date.

I was just hoping
to make you jealous.

Shall we?

What about your gout?

My dad says when
you really want something,

you play through
the pain.

? And tell me now ?

[bobby groaning]
? How do I live
without you? ?

? I want to know ?

? How do I breathe
without you? ?

? If you ever go ?

?
? How do I ever survive? ?

(bobby)
I've got gout!