King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 3, Episode 12 - Three Coaches and a Bobby - full transcript

Bobby looks pretty
good in that uniform.

yup.

yup.

Mm-hmm.

Think the cougars
have a chance this year?

no.

no.

Nah-uh.

( grunt )
shh!

paint.

Boys, the welton wolves



have already put their mark
on this bridge.

Now, what does a cougar do

when a wolf comes
into his neck of the woods?

Beats him
in football?

Yeah, that's where I was
going to end up, bobby.

Now, you cougars
can't be winners

until you act
like winners.

And winners paint bridges.

( rattling )

here you go, winner.

( sighing ):
oh.

boys, the important thing
to remember is

you're from arlen

and arlen once had
a great team.



We were behind by two

but luckily, we had
the finest strategist

ever to come out
of heimlich county

coach whitey sauers.

Now, how we going to win state

if we don't get to state?

Now go out there
and get me to state!

You get us to state
and I guarantee

i'll kiss each one of you little
pansies right on the mouth.

Let's go!

( yelling )

down. Down. Set.

( speaking gibberish )

like a dang ol' blitz.

Change plans--
fake hand off to hank

come around, blitz, fake reverse

hike!

Yahoo!

( yelling )

( cheering )

we did it!

We did it!

We're going to state!

Yahoo!

Damn, that man could coach.

How romantic.

What?

That mom was there

and she saw you make that play

and then, right after the game

she canceled her date
with that guy

who ended up building
all those airports.

Just paint
the dang bridge.

( whistle blows )

yeah. Good play.
way to go.

Uh-huh!

Uh-huh!

Uh-huh, uh-huh,
uh-huh!

We need to blitz more.

I haven't done my sack
dance all day.

Settle down, bobby.

That's the kind of attitude

that drove mark gastineau
into boxing.

Do not just stand
there scratching,
coach maxwell!

You are not going
to find a good
play up there!

Maxwell, you suck!

Now, wendy, honey,
that is over the line.

You need specific
criticism

not just
generalities.

Maxwell, your plays suck!

Much better!

Ah! Wingo!
interception joseph!

( laughing ):
ah!

whoo!

That's our boy,
a real all-american!

Arlen's native son!

( laughing )

man:
heads up!

uh!

Sorry, the ball got away there.

Coach coleman lucas, "the wind."

Uh, excuse me,
could you face
the other way

or something
when you do that?

We got a real sport
going on here.

It's called "football."

Actually,
in the rest of the world

soccer is called "futbol."

You should try it.

Soccer, or "futbol," is
excellent physical conditioning.

What's the point?

Anyone can kick the
ball under the goal.

( laughing ):
no... Not if the goalie
has anything to say about it--

He tries to stop them

but don't worry,
it's all in good fun.

( cheering )

two minutes?

Oh, my god,
we could win this thing.

Well, all right, uh,
two minutes

who hasn't played yet?

Uh, bobby hill.

Get in there!

Coach, you can't
put me in now.

We can win this.

Hank, he's putting
your boy in.

I'm on it.

It's just bad strategy.

Uh, hey, coach, uh,
bobby's been cheering

awfully hard today

and I'm afraid he might have
worn himself out already...

You know I like to play

every player at least
two minutes a game.

Can't you just let him play
four minutes next game?

Bobby, mittens, honey!

"do not put bobby in

if outcome of the game
can be affected in any way."

There.

Coach maxwell,
I and some of the parents...

You suck.

Now, hold on.

What we have here
are some suggestions...

No, dale's right--
he does suck.

You're not being
paid to screw up.

I-i'm not being paid at all.

In fact, I still haven't
been reimbursed

for last week's pizzas.

( weeping ):
oh, and if you guys
aren't too busy...

Could you just please
go to hell?

Dale, what did you do
with last week's pizza money?

I bought a hat.

You know who

would've won that game?

Coach sauers.

Yeah.
yep.
mm-hmm.

Yeah, you know who
would've not played bobby?

Coach sauers.

Yep.
Yeah.
coach sauers.

And-and you know who we should
get to coach bobby's team?

Coach sauers!

That's a gribble
of an idea, bill!

Yeah.
all right.

Coach sauers,
that's what I said!

If those are
tight in the toes

i'll get you a
half size bigger.

Hank:
coach sauers?

Hill...
finally got a haircut.

( chuckling )

you noticed.

Boomhauer,
how are your folks?

Man, they're doing fine, man...

Down in florida, man...

Lottery winner, man...

No problems, man.

Sorry to hear that.

Gribble...

No one's killed you yet.

Dauterive!

My god, man,
what happened?

It's a long story.

Do you remember...

Look, coach, uh, we came
by to see you because...

Well, because you're the best
coach arlen has ever seen.

How would you like
to coach again

for my son's
football team?

Coach again?

I quit!

Uh, whoa.

It's, uh, it's
not really a paying job.

Thank you, sir.

I don't know what
i'm doing in this bed

i'm not going to sleep tonight.

Well, hank hill,
you devil...

I am just so excited

that bobby's
going to have

the coach sauers
experience.

I only hope
working at the mall

hasn't knocked
the fight out of him.

I don't know, honey.

That man could be
a tough taskmaster.

Let's not forget that you used
to call him "sour coach sauers"

( laughing ):
remember?

Yeah. Boy, we came
up with that one

at a fellowship
of christian athletes picnic.

"sour coach sauers."

( sighing )

we were good kids, though.

He's a real high school
football coach.

He's tough as nails,
but you're going to love him.

Fellows, my name is coach sauers

and I took arlen high
to state in 1974.

Wow.
Cool!

Up to now, you men
have been losing

but now, you're going
to be winning!

Yeah!
wow!

i'm going to ride you
dainty joes so hard

you'll wish you were all dead!

I'll chew you up!

Spit you out!

Take a big dump on top of that!

And then I'm going to get tough!

( whistling )

let's rev 'em up!

Pretty impressive, huh?

Okay, you kids have fun.

Eat mud.

I said eat it! Eat it!

Coach, I think I swallowed
too much mud.

Take a salt tablet.

I'm walking in biscuit dough.

Memorize it.

( gasping )

that looks like fun.

Boy:
Coach, I'm bleeding.

Sauers:
salt tablet.

( grumbling )

you call that a pass?

Give me that ball

or I'll slice
your guts out, hippie!

run!

Any more of you ladies
want to join him?

Anyone else?

Any more?

All right,
that's enough.

( grunts )

hey, butterball,
drag the body back.

What's that on your upper arm
there, bobby?

Is that a muscle?

No. That's a lump

from when I got hit
by a football.

You know, dad,
the kids playing soccer

don't have any lumps or bruises

and coach lucas gives them
oranges at half-time.

( sighing )

bobby, I didn't think

i'd ever need
to tell you this

but I would be a bad parent
if I didn't.

Soccer was invented

by european ladies
to keep them busy

while their husbands
did the cooking.

Why do you have to hate
what you don't understand?

I don't hate you, bobby.

I meant soccer.

oh.

Oh, yeah, I hate soccer. Yes.

Sauers:
well, there you are, hill.

Now where's butterball?

Uh... "butterball"?

( grunting )

hey, dad.

Uh, hey,
there, bobby.

Are you planning
on loosening up

our football team
with some comedy
soccer skits or...

Or something?

Lucas:
bobby hill!

Time for step
kick drills!

Sorry, dad.

Breaks your heart,
doesn't it?

Take a salt tablet.

Just when coach sauers

was fixing to get
those kids a victory

bobby leaves sports
and joins a soccer team.

Did joseph
leave, too?

no.

The team will
survive, hank.

Yeah, it's a terrible blow
to morale, of course, but, uh...

Peggy:
hank?

Honey, I'm taking bobby
to soccer practice.

You going to soccer practice
dressed like that?

Oh, no, peggy hill.
get real.

You borrow
my nice sweater.

Well, thank you, minh

but it is not
that cold out.

Believe me,
it freezing cold

if you not take sweater.

Well, in that case

I have a perfectly
good flannel overshirt.

Okay. You know better.

Whoo-hoo! Way to go, the wind!

Way to kick that ball downfield!

Oh, thanks for the latte, ally.

Uh, peggy...

Hmm? Oh. Oops.

What a pretty...
overshirt.

Oh, thank you.

And what a pretty sweater...

...you're all wearing.

Well, well, well.

What have
we got here?

A soccer mommy.

Uh, look, coach,
I just want to apologize

for bobby quitting on you
like that.

I know you spent a lot of money
xeroxing these playbooks.

It's the collating.

That's where
they screw you.

If you really feel bad for
the way butterball screwed me

you can be
my assistant football coach.

Uh, I don't know.

With bobby not on the team,
it might make him feel...

Okay, louisa may, go
play your ballerina ball.

Just leave your
penis in the bucket.

Huh. W-well, uh...

I guess I could
find a little time.

Memorize it.

I tell you, peggy

the football team might
go all the way this year.

I sure am sorry you're
not going to be a part
of that, bobby

although you could be.

I can't.
the soccer team needs me.

I'm one of the nine co-captains.

Bobby, I think your father
would like to do something

you both like to do
together, huh?

( clearing throat ):
movie.

Maybe you two
could see a movie together.

Sure. A movie.

Why don't you set it up
through mom?

( groaning )

i'm a little tight.

I got to go
stretch my hams.

Cashmere sweater
with pearl button.

Now they like you.

Oh, it's just a sweater.

If the other mothers
do not like me

for the wit and wisdom
that is peggy hill

then I want nothing
to do with them.

You not get it.

You soccer mom now.

If you not fit in,
then bobby not fit in

and that boy
have enough problem.

How do you know
so much about this?

Connie play a.y.s.o.
in orange county.

That the birthplace
of soccer moms.

I start the whole sweater thing.

That mine.

( whistle blowing )

tie game!

Everyone's a winner!

Hank:
you know, I was thinking

of bringing bobby to
watch the wolves rematch.

You know, just as my guest.

Who, butterball?

Butterball is dead to me.

( bobby laughing )

lucas:
goal!

( kids cheering and laughing)

scoop of vanilla
for everyone!

Dad! We won a game

without having
to beat anyone

and then we practiced
high kicks. Watch.

( falsetto yell )

bobby's our best
high kicker.

Careful, don't let
the rockettes find
out about it.

The rockettes? Me?

"codes of conduct:

"cheer all good plays.

Respect every player
as if he/she were on your team."

What is this "he/she--"

some kind of
a science fiction deal, or...?

You don't get it,
do you?

We're their coaches

but we're the ones
who are learning

and these kids
are pretty good teachers.

All we have to do
is listen.

Now, let's get
going, gang.

We don't want to be late
for our cleanup project.

Uh, wait a minute, bobby. Uh...

I'm sorry, lucas.

I thought I'd take my boy
to see that new space movie.

I hear it's got
special effects.

Sorry, dad.

Got to go.

The one who collects
the most litter

gets to play
goalie next game.

( sighing )

the space movie
with julia louis dreyfus?

( sighing )

you know what
this team needs?

Tradition. Rivalry.

We could go
and paint the bridge.

Great idea,
robert.

We'll cover up
all that graffiti.

But my dad's rematch against
the wolves isn't until tomorrow.

The wolves
haven't even seen it yet.

And if we all work together
as a team, they never will.

This is one time when
the wind use their hands.

Coach sauers

I think there's something wrong
with my helmet.

Then get over there
and do the helmet test.

Put on the helmet
and run into that brick wall.

Yeah, right.

And end up
with headaches
like my mom?

You're going
the wrong way!

Hey, put your helmet
back on!

All right, you big baby!

I'll do it!

( yelling )

ow!

what the...?

You little
panty-wads think

you're ready to play
the wolves again?!

( crazed laughter )

the wolves eat razor blades
for breakfast!

Run, you bunch of
pudgy-butted softies!

Run, with your fancy sneakers
with the pumps and valves

and little lights on the back
that can set off a seizure

but what do you care?

I ran around the world
in a pair of chuck taylors

for the love of pete!

What in god's name
is going on here?!

Damn it! I never
did like you, hill.

You were a know-it-all
and a do-gooder

and your teeny-tiny, weak
little girly ankle bone

snapped in the finals,
and you lost me state!

I lost you state?

I'm the one
who got you to state.

I wish I never dragged you
out of that shoe store.

( coughs ):
are we done yet?

Why, you precious
little candy ass.

I think you hurt him.

Hit him again
to make sure.

What do we do,
assistant coach hill?

We're playing the wolves
on saturday

and we don't have joseph.

Or your kid.

Haven't you kids ever seen rudy?

A little fireplug
of a never-say-quit

at notre dame.

He died of cancer
after the big game, I think.

All right,
hands in the middle.

God bless america,
on three.

One, two, three.

All:
God...

Bless america!

Yeah. Well, I wish
you had a woman, too, bill.

Uh, hold on.

Hill residence.

Hank, coleman lucas.

Just need your fax number

so I can fax over
bobby's soccer diet.

We don't have a fax,
or a fax number.

Oh. Well, just give me
your e-mail address

and I'll attach it.

Yeah, it's "football is great,
soccer is dumb dot com."

Good-bye.

( sniffing )

( imitating fat albert ):
hey, hey, hey!

( chuckling )

oh...

Peggy,
that's a lovely sweater.

Well, you see?

You don't have to look dumpy
at a soccer match.

Which one's your son?

Well, my husband, henry,
is bringing him in the truck.

Uh, oh. You mean
a sports utility vehicle

not a pickup truck?

Well, yes.

I-i-it's red.

Beat those wolves, dad.

Sure. Sure. And you, uh,
you have a good soccer game.

Beat those, uh, fluffy
puffs, or whatever.

Dad, they're called
the puff n' stuffs.

Good. Get a good stretch.
extend.

I know it's bigger
than the other s.u.v.s

but it makes me
feel safe.

I mean, if I have an accident
in that thing

i'm going to live.

I am here for my son,
I am here for my son.

Well, for me, it's
all about convenience.

Mine's got everything
from headlight wipers
to heated seats.

Peggy:
oh, well,
that is a must

isn't it? You
know, my butt

is either warmed
by my car seat

or covered
by my sweater.

I have to keep it at
optimum temperature

or I could die from
mild discomfort.

( faint chuckles )

( chuckling )

oh, and you know what else
would just make me die?

If by mistake I paid so much
attention to my child's game

that I maybe raised my voice.

Oh, I would just die! I would!

Or if I got stuck
with a bunch of losers

who couldn't recognize a dead-on
perfect fat albert impression

well, I would just die
a thousand deaths!

You know what?

I have got
a football game to watch.

Oh. That would
be minh's.

( people cheering )

go, joseph, go!

Slow down, joseph.

We've already got the tie.

We don't have
to hurt anyone's feelings.

Why don't we just give 'em
the dang ball?

( whistle blows )

( cheering )
( sighs )

ah, screw it.

No hands!

You're not the goalie!

Come on, y'all.

We were all cougars once.

We're getting our butts kicked
over there.

I, for one, have had enough
of this dang lawyer ball

haven't you?

( whistle blows )

bobby:
coach, I'm here
if you need me.

Bobby?

I'd rather be
on a losing football team

than a winning soccer team
any day.

Well, all right,
son, you're back.

And I brought joseph
with me.

All right, bobby!

Way to go, son!

Get in there.

Split right.

Buttonhook on two.

That was good strategy

bringing joseph back,
bobby.

Stick with it, and you could
make a good coach someday.

Hmm. I'd still want
to wear my uniform.

Uh, yeah, okay.

And a cape.

Whoo-hoo!

All right!
go, cougars!
go, cougars!

Kick some wolf tail!

Well, well, well.

Peggy hill coming
back to football.

Uh, wendy...

Toss me a beer.

( belching )

coach sauers:
take a salt tablet.