King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 3, Episode 11 - To Spank with Love - full transcript
Peggy gets a reputation for draconian discipline after spanking one of her students in class.
I'm getting
some nice color.
( sighs )
look out, mrs. Hill,
a snake!
Oh, it's a harmless bull snake.
I'd say he-- oh, pardon--
she is about nine months old.
Your mom's as cool
as most people's dads.
It's like that book they took
out of the school library:
I've got two dads.
Hank:
no, you don't.
( ringing )
this is hill.
Tom landry middle school
needs you, peggy.
This job's for at least a week,
maybe two.
Can you sub for Mrs. Gonzalez?
Gonzalez? Well,
that's spanish, isn't it?
Yes, it is-- your best subject.
You'll be fine. Just...
Fine.
There's something
you're not telling me.
Dang it, peggy,
I could lose my job.
Digame.
I... I just can't
but on a completely
unrelated subject
hasn't it been a while
since your last
surprise in-class evaluation?
Well, yes, it has,
but tell me what you...
ohh.
Mrs. Hill, I'm ms. Ayres.
I'm here to evaluate you.
Really. Oh,
I had no idea.
My goodness,
an evaluation.
Well that... Imagine.
A substitute.
Attack.
Hi, Mrs. Hill.
Buenas dias, consuela.
I have always enjoyed a special
relationship with my students.
( forced chuckle )
in fact, one of them
reminded me yesterday
that I was honored as
substitute teacher of the year
1996 through 1997 inclusive.
That's impressive. So many subs
get bullied by their students.
Well, a bully is just someone
who victimizes others to make
themselves feel important.
Would you like me
to repeat that slowly?
Oh, no, I'm just penalizing you
for starting class late.
You were saying?
Hola. Me llamo senora
( trilling tongue):
margarita hill.
Como te llamas?
Me llamo joseph gribble.
Oh, bueno, jose gribble.
( students laughing )
y tu?
Como te llamas?
( sighs )
me llamo clark peters.
Muchos gustos, carlos pedros.
( laughing )
ay, margarita.
( students laughing )
vamos apprender los partes
del cuerpo humano.
Por ejemplo.
Este es mi mano.
Si. Muy divertido.
No mas, okay?
Okay. Bueno, este es mi...
Cabeza.
( sighs )
quien esta terando
los darts de nerf?
Esta dooley, senora hill.
Peggy:
senor dooley, venga.
You're dead.
En espanol, por favor.
Tu eres muerto.
Muy bien.
Senor dooley esta mi
assistante especial.
Bueno. Este
es mi cabeza.
( students laughing )
este es mi pelo.
( laughter continues )
mi pelo es
castano.
Stop it!
I know what
you are doing,
and just stop it.
En espanol, por favor.
Clase! Atencion!
Atencion!
Clase, please!
( laughter continues )
"needs improvement"?
I have never
needed to improve
on anything
in my whole life.
This will be in my personnel
file forever.
Relax, peggy.
Everyone has a bad day.
I remember back when I first
started at strickland propane
there was this guy
who had a bad day.
Uh, see? I can't even remember
that fella's name now.
All right, everybody.
Sit down.
Andale.
That's odd.
I can't seem to get this
to work. It's...
( laughter )
okay. We don't have a lot time
for monkey business.
So I think we'll skip
attendance today
and finish up
our vocabular lesson.
( laughter )
I have had it with you two.
I am a very fun teacher,
but I will not be bullied.
Give me your watches.
come on. Give them to me.
I am not joking, you two.
( gasps )
I pulled
your pants down.
Oh, yeah!
( gasps )
holy crap.
18 years, 18 years of teaching
thrown out the window
with one flick
of the wrist.
Don't panic, peggy.
there's lots you can do.
I could design software.
People have
always said that.
I could open up
a paint-your-own-pottery store.
You know how much
they get for that crap?
Slow down, peggy.
they won't fire you.
You're a substitute teacher.
they'll just stop calling.
But that's not going
to happen, either.
( gasps )
maybe it should.
I hit an innocent child.
I'm sure you
didn't hurt him.
I should know.
I got spanked
plenty in school.
Really? Well,
you turned out just fine.
Better than fine,
and back then
they even used a paddle
called "old spanky."
It was a piece of
hickory about yea big
and it had holes
drilled in it
to cut down on wind resistance
and a... Little pine tar
on the handle
for a no-slip grip.
ugh.
Good old spanky.
( weak chuckle )
mom, what were
you thinking?
Bobby, honey,
I am so sorry.
I'm so... I just
did not know what to do.
Dooley pants'd you.
That's what he does,
and, when it happens
you pull up your
pants and move on.
If you don't know that,
no wonder you bombed
on your evaluation.
I never even spank our dog
not that your son
is worse than our dog
because he's not,
and we have a very,
very good dog
so that speaks
volumes for your son.
Mrs. Hill, please,
we should apologize to you.
I'm sure stuart deserved it.
We know what a handful
he can be.
Well, what are you saying?
You did good.
Hmm. Let's see.
Teacher's statement...
Response from the parents...
Okay. Looks like
all our ducks are in a row.
Peggy, you're fired.
But... But the dooleys
forgave me.
Hmm. Let's see.
Uh, there's nothing
here about forgiveness.
There are procedures
for administering
legal spankings
which you violated
at every turn
and there are procedures
for terminating a teacher
which I followed
to a "t." emily?
I'm required to have
a hall monitor
escort you off campus.
It's over, Mrs. Hill.
( peggy sobbing )
i'm sorry, ladies.
looks like there's not going
to be a three-peat.
Oh, hank
what am I going to do?
Well, uh, I got you a book
on designing software.
( sobbing )
( sighs )
well, you had it all,
peggy hill.
Hey, there, hank's wife.
What you crying for?
Got your monthlies?
Cotton, I am in no mood.
Why are you here?
V.f.w. Meeting
and pancake supper.
So I need you to whip
me up some pancakes--
A couple of
hundred will do--
And as much syrup
as you got.
Fine.
I will go make you
200 pancakes.
( sobbing )
ah.
( sobbing continues )
( groans )
how's bobby?
He's just fine
but my information about bobby
is a little dated.
He hasn't spoken to me
since I got fired
for spanking a student.
What'd you do, kill him?
no.
Ain't no law
against spanking.
Tell you what.
I got a friend
over to the v.f.w.
Used to principal
at hank's school.
He'll have you back
spanking in no time.
Oh, well, I just want
my job back.
I'm not going
to spank again.
Shut up before you
talk me out of it.
In my 35 years at
tom landry middle school
I spanked thousands
of students
shaping their character
and preparing them
to die in wars overseas.
Actually, I only spanked once.
Hell, she's just being modest.
She's the first teacher
since they killed l.b.j.
To stand up
to those draft dodgers.
All right, peggy,
we're going to get you
back in that classroom.
Damn straight.
yeah.
Step one: you got to
meet the school board.
Old spanky.
( men laughing )
go on. Take it.
It's yours.
I got nobody to hit anymore.
Thanks for this
terrific... Symbol
and for helping me
get my job back.
All right, guys,
let's hear it for
paddlin' peggy!
( cheering )
man:
take off your top!
Man 2:
shut up, wendell!
That's tomorrow night.
Hi, guys.
Hank, I just had the
most inspiring afternoon
with cotton and
his army buddies.
They're going to
circulate a petition
to help me get
my job back.
I even have the support of your
old principal jeter turbeville.
Jeter the beater?
Oh, god, what's that
under your arm?
Old spanky. Can you believe they
ever used something like this?
( chuckling )
spanking was
wrong then
and it's wrong now.
I say spare the rod
and spo the child.
Dale, spare the rod
and spoil the child means
you're in favor
of spanking.
I don't think so.
Man, I tell
you what.
Bring back
those bad memories.
Talking 'bout ol' jeter
the beater. Whack.
Man, ol' time,
them pillows, man.
Well, I don't know.
My daddy spanked
me every day
from when I was
nine till I was 16
and I turned out okay.
Bastard.
Peggy.
Uh...
We sure do Miss
you at landry.
Thanks.
I'm not a spanker, okay?
But if you can
bring discipline
back into our school
then I am behind
you 100%.
I wish I had the guts
you do, sister.
I'm no hero.
Stuart dooley just caught me
on a bad day.
Don't be modest.
You are an inspiration
to all of us teachers
and that's why we
signed that petition
in support of
paddlin' peggy.
Oh, well, that's just
those vets being silly.
Here. Have a button.
The school board vote
on reinstating
mrs. Peggy hill passes.
( cheering )
all right,
paddlin' peggy.
walk tall, sister.
We did it,
hank's wife.
Party at my house.
Pancakes for everyone.
( cheering )
man:
take off
your top!
Well, I'm off to work,
mrs. Hill.
Me, too, Mr. Hill.
Uh, Mrs. Hill
why are you
bringing the paddle?
Oh, I have to.
People are
expecting it.
Besides, your father
worked very hard
to put paddlin' peggy
back in the classroom.
See, that's the thing...
My dad thinks you're
going to use it.
Oh, hank,
don't be silly, honey.
It's just a bluff.
I am going to scare
my students exactly the way
president reagan scared
hundreds of millions of russians
with his star wars death beam.
I Miss voting for that man.
Listen, I just want to apologize
for what happened the other day.
I will never ever spank another
student like that again...
Because now I have this.
( all gasping )
but, of course, it will not
be necessary to use this
because, well, now you all know
I have it in me.
( chuckles )
so, why don't we just
start all over.
Yo soy...
Paddlin' peggy hill.
Mm-hmm.
El capital de uruguay
es montevideo.
Do you think
she's going to
use that paddle?
I don't know
but I'll
tell you what...
Excuse me.
Should you be talking
while I am talking?
Paddlin' peggy says, uh...
Oh, paddlin' peggy says
uh-uh-uh.
You got to
do something
about mom.
This whole paddlin' peggy shtick
is really creepy.
Joseph won't even come over
to play anymore
'cause he says
he's having nightmares
about that stupid paddle.
Did you hear that?
My son is dreaming
about getting spanked
by your wife.
Well, that's not
so unusual.
You got to get
your woman in line.
Uh, peggy's kind of
hard to talk to lately.
Well, she's feeling
powerful now
so her body
is producing
extra amounts
of testosterone.
I bet if peggy wanted to,
she could grow a mustache.
'course, I don't know
why she'd want to.
Guess who won
best french manicure
at the beauty academy today?
Dad, can I
go ride bikes
with joseph?
I thought
we'd watch shark week
on the discovery channel.
Michael palin is hosting.
I don't want to.
But, honey, you love
michael palin.
Are you coming down
with something?
Let me feel
your forehead.
I don't want to watch
your stupid show, okay?
Bobby!
Well, what is wrong with him?
Probably nothing...
Or, uh...
Uh, it could be you...
And, uh...
your whupping stick.
It's a paddle,
and he has a name--
"old spanky."
Hank, do I tell you
how to sell propane
and propane accessories?
Did I criticize you
for your big
"spatula tuesday" fiasco?
No, I did not
because I respect you
as a professional
and that is all I want, hank,
just a little respect
but I guess that's too much
to ask for
from you and bobby.
All right.
it was sharona johnson.
It's not fair.
She works really hard.
Hank, channel 84
wants to do something
on paddlin' peggy.
Where is old spanky?
Maybe you left it at work.
No, no.
I know I had it with me
on the drive home.
I remember brandishing it
at this idiot
who almost cut me off.
Oh, I've got to retrace
my steps home.
Okay. I'm driving home...
Brandish, brandish, brandish...
Oh, god! I must have dropped it
on the street!
Stop, peggy!
Would you look
at yourself?
( sighs )
spanky!
Joseph gribble,
did you put this here?
no.
Uh, joseph, you are talking
to paddlin' peggy here.
All right. What's going on?
( screams )
your son stole
my paddlin' peggy paddle.
This is the only thing
that stands between
the arlen school system
and complete chaos.
Apologize, you!
I didn't do anything.
All right. I am not
all talk, you know?
You didn't apologize,
so you chose your fate.
Somebody stop her!
Peggy, no!
I said I didn't do anything.
He's telling
the truth, mom.
He was with me
all day.
Well, somebody took it.
It was bill.
No, it wasn't.
All right. It was me.
I took it.
Somebody had
to stop you.
You're crazy.
Oh, my!
It's okay, son.
Daddy's here.
You big bully.
Oh, hank, what
was I thinking?
The important
thing is
your spanking days
are over, right?
Well, so are my teaching days.
At least, until the day
they makes pants
that cannot be pulled down by
someone other than the wearer.
Sounds to me
like you're scared.
You know, I have
a little speech
I've been saving
for the day bobby
gets beat up by a bully
but I don't think
that's ever going to happen.
Him and his darn
prop comedy.
Every time
the boy
gets into a jam, he shoves
french fries up his nose
and makes a new friend.
Anyway, I think my speech
might apply here.
Do you want
to hear it?
Oh, hank, no.
You know, somewhere inside me
is the old peggy hill--
the one who taught children
without scaring
the bejeezus out of them.
I just need to find her again.
And then she freaked out
and she dropped the paddle
right in the middle
of the alley.
Without that paddle
she looked just like
bobby's mom.
( bell ringing )
that's the bell.
Buenos dias, clase.
Senor dooley, I thought
you were suspended?
I thought you
were fired.
( class laughing )
oh, bygones are bygones,
so, welcome back.
Well, I thought we might talk
about a special part
of spanish history...
( class laughing )
your feet are big.
( laughing continues )
paddlin' peggy,
who don't you spank them?
Yeah, paddlin' peggy.
Fine. All you children
are interested in is punishment
so I will teach you
about punishment.
With this!
( all gasping )
yes! Yes!
Oh, yeah!
( gasping )
spain, 1478.
The weapon of choice-- the mace.
It was the beginning
of the spanish inquisition.
Even though it was begun
with the best of intentions
a number of very nice,
innocent people
were brutally punished
and without
a doubt
the worst thing about
the spanish inquisition
was that nobody ever said
they were sorry.
How were they punished?
Oh, all kinds of awful ways.
Like what?
Well, sometimes they would
strike you with one of these.
Sometimes they would make you
lie on a bed of spikes
and then pour
boiling oil
on you.
ooh!
Mm-hmm, and sometimes, they
would tie your arms and legs
to four different horses
and tear you apart.
( class gasping )
cool.
Why, I feel like
i'm being watched.
Joseph?
Jo-seph?
What?
Dale:
careful, joseph.
I'm just here to
play with bobby.
I don't want
any trouble.
I could use
a little help
preparing the soil.
Why don't you
spread the mulch?
What's it made out of?
Paddle.
And goat manure.
Tu eres muerto.
some nice color.
( sighs )
look out, mrs. Hill,
a snake!
Oh, it's a harmless bull snake.
I'd say he-- oh, pardon--
she is about nine months old.
Your mom's as cool
as most people's dads.
It's like that book they took
out of the school library:
I've got two dads.
Hank:
no, you don't.
( ringing )
this is hill.
Tom landry middle school
needs you, peggy.
This job's for at least a week,
maybe two.
Can you sub for Mrs. Gonzalez?
Gonzalez? Well,
that's spanish, isn't it?
Yes, it is-- your best subject.
You'll be fine. Just...
Fine.
There's something
you're not telling me.
Dang it, peggy,
I could lose my job.
Digame.
I... I just can't
but on a completely
unrelated subject
hasn't it been a while
since your last
surprise in-class evaluation?
Well, yes, it has,
but tell me what you...
ohh.
Mrs. Hill, I'm ms. Ayres.
I'm here to evaluate you.
Really. Oh,
I had no idea.
My goodness,
an evaluation.
Well that... Imagine.
A substitute.
Attack.
Hi, Mrs. Hill.
Buenas dias, consuela.
I have always enjoyed a special
relationship with my students.
( forced chuckle )
in fact, one of them
reminded me yesterday
that I was honored as
substitute teacher of the year
1996 through 1997 inclusive.
That's impressive. So many subs
get bullied by their students.
Well, a bully is just someone
who victimizes others to make
themselves feel important.
Would you like me
to repeat that slowly?
Oh, no, I'm just penalizing you
for starting class late.
You were saying?
Hola. Me llamo senora
( trilling tongue):
margarita hill.
Como te llamas?
Me llamo joseph gribble.
Oh, bueno, jose gribble.
( students laughing )
y tu?
Como te llamas?
( sighs )
me llamo clark peters.
Muchos gustos, carlos pedros.
( laughing )
ay, margarita.
( students laughing )
vamos apprender los partes
del cuerpo humano.
Por ejemplo.
Este es mi mano.
Si. Muy divertido.
No mas, okay?
Okay. Bueno, este es mi...
Cabeza.
( sighs )
quien esta terando
los darts de nerf?
Esta dooley, senora hill.
Peggy:
senor dooley, venga.
You're dead.
En espanol, por favor.
Tu eres muerto.
Muy bien.
Senor dooley esta mi
assistante especial.
Bueno. Este
es mi cabeza.
( students laughing )
este es mi pelo.
( laughter continues )
mi pelo es
castano.
Stop it!
I know what
you are doing,
and just stop it.
En espanol, por favor.
Clase! Atencion!
Atencion!
Clase, please!
( laughter continues )
"needs improvement"?
I have never
needed to improve
on anything
in my whole life.
This will be in my personnel
file forever.
Relax, peggy.
Everyone has a bad day.
I remember back when I first
started at strickland propane
there was this guy
who had a bad day.
Uh, see? I can't even remember
that fella's name now.
All right, everybody.
Sit down.
Andale.
That's odd.
I can't seem to get this
to work. It's...
( laughter )
okay. We don't have a lot time
for monkey business.
So I think we'll skip
attendance today
and finish up
our vocabular lesson.
( laughter )
I have had it with you two.
I am a very fun teacher,
but I will not be bullied.
Give me your watches.
come on. Give them to me.
I am not joking, you two.
( gasps )
I pulled
your pants down.
Oh, yeah!
( gasps )
holy crap.
18 years, 18 years of teaching
thrown out the window
with one flick
of the wrist.
Don't panic, peggy.
there's lots you can do.
I could design software.
People have
always said that.
I could open up
a paint-your-own-pottery store.
You know how much
they get for that crap?
Slow down, peggy.
they won't fire you.
You're a substitute teacher.
they'll just stop calling.
But that's not going
to happen, either.
( gasps )
maybe it should.
I hit an innocent child.
I'm sure you
didn't hurt him.
I should know.
I got spanked
plenty in school.
Really? Well,
you turned out just fine.
Better than fine,
and back then
they even used a paddle
called "old spanky."
It was a piece of
hickory about yea big
and it had holes
drilled in it
to cut down on wind resistance
and a... Little pine tar
on the handle
for a no-slip grip.
ugh.
Good old spanky.
( weak chuckle )
mom, what were
you thinking?
Bobby, honey,
I am so sorry.
I'm so... I just
did not know what to do.
Dooley pants'd you.
That's what he does,
and, when it happens
you pull up your
pants and move on.
If you don't know that,
no wonder you bombed
on your evaluation.
I never even spank our dog
not that your son
is worse than our dog
because he's not,
and we have a very,
very good dog
so that speaks
volumes for your son.
Mrs. Hill, please,
we should apologize to you.
I'm sure stuart deserved it.
We know what a handful
he can be.
Well, what are you saying?
You did good.
Hmm. Let's see.
Teacher's statement...
Response from the parents...
Okay. Looks like
all our ducks are in a row.
Peggy, you're fired.
But... But the dooleys
forgave me.
Hmm. Let's see.
Uh, there's nothing
here about forgiveness.
There are procedures
for administering
legal spankings
which you violated
at every turn
and there are procedures
for terminating a teacher
which I followed
to a "t." emily?
I'm required to have
a hall monitor
escort you off campus.
It's over, Mrs. Hill.
( peggy sobbing )
i'm sorry, ladies.
looks like there's not going
to be a three-peat.
Oh, hank
what am I going to do?
Well, uh, I got you a book
on designing software.
( sobbing )
( sighs )
well, you had it all,
peggy hill.
Hey, there, hank's wife.
What you crying for?
Got your monthlies?
Cotton, I am in no mood.
Why are you here?
V.f.w. Meeting
and pancake supper.
So I need you to whip
me up some pancakes--
A couple of
hundred will do--
And as much syrup
as you got.
Fine.
I will go make you
200 pancakes.
( sobbing )
ah.
( sobbing continues )
( groans )
how's bobby?
He's just fine
but my information about bobby
is a little dated.
He hasn't spoken to me
since I got fired
for spanking a student.
What'd you do, kill him?
no.
Ain't no law
against spanking.
Tell you what.
I got a friend
over to the v.f.w.
Used to principal
at hank's school.
He'll have you back
spanking in no time.
Oh, well, I just want
my job back.
I'm not going
to spank again.
Shut up before you
talk me out of it.
In my 35 years at
tom landry middle school
I spanked thousands
of students
shaping their character
and preparing them
to die in wars overseas.
Actually, I only spanked once.
Hell, she's just being modest.
She's the first teacher
since they killed l.b.j.
To stand up
to those draft dodgers.
All right, peggy,
we're going to get you
back in that classroom.
Damn straight.
yeah.
Step one: you got to
meet the school board.
Old spanky.
( men laughing )
go on. Take it.
It's yours.
I got nobody to hit anymore.
Thanks for this
terrific... Symbol
and for helping me
get my job back.
All right, guys,
let's hear it for
paddlin' peggy!
( cheering )
man:
take off your top!
Man 2:
shut up, wendell!
That's tomorrow night.
Hi, guys.
Hank, I just had the
most inspiring afternoon
with cotton and
his army buddies.
They're going to
circulate a petition
to help me get
my job back.
I even have the support of your
old principal jeter turbeville.
Jeter the beater?
Oh, god, what's that
under your arm?
Old spanky. Can you believe they
ever used something like this?
( chuckling )
spanking was
wrong then
and it's wrong now.
I say spare the rod
and spo the child.
Dale, spare the rod
and spoil the child means
you're in favor
of spanking.
I don't think so.
Man, I tell
you what.
Bring back
those bad memories.
Talking 'bout ol' jeter
the beater. Whack.
Man, ol' time,
them pillows, man.
Well, I don't know.
My daddy spanked
me every day
from when I was
nine till I was 16
and I turned out okay.
Bastard.
Peggy.
Uh...
We sure do Miss
you at landry.
Thanks.
I'm not a spanker, okay?
But if you can
bring discipline
back into our school
then I am behind
you 100%.
I wish I had the guts
you do, sister.
I'm no hero.
Stuart dooley just caught me
on a bad day.
Don't be modest.
You are an inspiration
to all of us teachers
and that's why we
signed that petition
in support of
paddlin' peggy.
Oh, well, that's just
those vets being silly.
Here. Have a button.
The school board vote
on reinstating
mrs. Peggy hill passes.
( cheering )
all right,
paddlin' peggy.
walk tall, sister.
We did it,
hank's wife.
Party at my house.
Pancakes for everyone.
( cheering )
man:
take off
your top!
Well, I'm off to work,
mrs. Hill.
Me, too, Mr. Hill.
Uh, Mrs. Hill
why are you
bringing the paddle?
Oh, I have to.
People are
expecting it.
Besides, your father
worked very hard
to put paddlin' peggy
back in the classroom.
See, that's the thing...
My dad thinks you're
going to use it.
Oh, hank,
don't be silly, honey.
It's just a bluff.
I am going to scare
my students exactly the way
president reagan scared
hundreds of millions of russians
with his star wars death beam.
I Miss voting for that man.
Listen, I just want to apologize
for what happened the other day.
I will never ever spank another
student like that again...
Because now I have this.
( all gasping )
but, of course, it will not
be necessary to use this
because, well, now you all know
I have it in me.
( chuckles )
so, why don't we just
start all over.
Yo soy...
Paddlin' peggy hill.
Mm-hmm.
El capital de uruguay
es montevideo.
Do you think
she's going to
use that paddle?
I don't know
but I'll
tell you what...
Excuse me.
Should you be talking
while I am talking?
Paddlin' peggy says, uh...
Oh, paddlin' peggy says
uh-uh-uh.
You got to
do something
about mom.
This whole paddlin' peggy shtick
is really creepy.
Joseph won't even come over
to play anymore
'cause he says
he's having nightmares
about that stupid paddle.
Did you hear that?
My son is dreaming
about getting spanked
by your wife.
Well, that's not
so unusual.
You got to get
your woman in line.
Uh, peggy's kind of
hard to talk to lately.
Well, she's feeling
powerful now
so her body
is producing
extra amounts
of testosterone.
I bet if peggy wanted to,
she could grow a mustache.
'course, I don't know
why she'd want to.
Guess who won
best french manicure
at the beauty academy today?
Dad, can I
go ride bikes
with joseph?
I thought
we'd watch shark week
on the discovery channel.
Michael palin is hosting.
I don't want to.
But, honey, you love
michael palin.
Are you coming down
with something?
Let me feel
your forehead.
I don't want to watch
your stupid show, okay?
Bobby!
Well, what is wrong with him?
Probably nothing...
Or, uh...
Uh, it could be you...
And, uh...
your whupping stick.
It's a paddle,
and he has a name--
"old spanky."
Hank, do I tell you
how to sell propane
and propane accessories?
Did I criticize you
for your big
"spatula tuesday" fiasco?
No, I did not
because I respect you
as a professional
and that is all I want, hank,
just a little respect
but I guess that's too much
to ask for
from you and bobby.
All right.
it was sharona johnson.
It's not fair.
She works really hard.
Hank, channel 84
wants to do something
on paddlin' peggy.
Where is old spanky?
Maybe you left it at work.
No, no.
I know I had it with me
on the drive home.
I remember brandishing it
at this idiot
who almost cut me off.
Oh, I've got to retrace
my steps home.
Okay. I'm driving home...
Brandish, brandish, brandish...
Oh, god! I must have dropped it
on the street!
Stop, peggy!
Would you look
at yourself?
( sighs )
spanky!
Joseph gribble,
did you put this here?
no.
Uh, joseph, you are talking
to paddlin' peggy here.
All right. What's going on?
( screams )
your son stole
my paddlin' peggy paddle.
This is the only thing
that stands between
the arlen school system
and complete chaos.
Apologize, you!
I didn't do anything.
All right. I am not
all talk, you know?
You didn't apologize,
so you chose your fate.
Somebody stop her!
Peggy, no!
I said I didn't do anything.
He's telling
the truth, mom.
He was with me
all day.
Well, somebody took it.
It was bill.
No, it wasn't.
All right. It was me.
I took it.
Somebody had
to stop you.
You're crazy.
Oh, my!
It's okay, son.
Daddy's here.
You big bully.
Oh, hank, what
was I thinking?
The important
thing is
your spanking days
are over, right?
Well, so are my teaching days.
At least, until the day
they makes pants
that cannot be pulled down by
someone other than the wearer.
Sounds to me
like you're scared.
You know, I have
a little speech
I've been saving
for the day bobby
gets beat up by a bully
but I don't think
that's ever going to happen.
Him and his darn
prop comedy.
Every time
the boy
gets into a jam, he shoves
french fries up his nose
and makes a new friend.
Anyway, I think my speech
might apply here.
Do you want
to hear it?
Oh, hank, no.
You know, somewhere inside me
is the old peggy hill--
the one who taught children
without scaring
the bejeezus out of them.
I just need to find her again.
And then she freaked out
and she dropped the paddle
right in the middle
of the alley.
Without that paddle
she looked just like
bobby's mom.
( bell ringing )
that's the bell.
Buenos dias, clase.
Senor dooley, I thought
you were suspended?
I thought you
were fired.
( class laughing )
oh, bygones are bygones,
so, welcome back.
Well, I thought we might talk
about a special part
of spanish history...
( class laughing )
your feet are big.
( laughing continues )
paddlin' peggy,
who don't you spank them?
Yeah, paddlin' peggy.
Fine. All you children
are interested in is punishment
so I will teach you
about punishment.
With this!
( all gasping )
yes! Yes!
Oh, yeah!
( gasping )
spain, 1478.
The weapon of choice-- the mace.
It was the beginning
of the spanish inquisition.
Even though it was begun
with the best of intentions
a number of very nice,
innocent people
were brutally punished
and without
a doubt
the worst thing about
the spanish inquisition
was that nobody ever said
they were sorry.
How were they punished?
Oh, all kinds of awful ways.
Like what?
Well, sometimes they would
strike you with one of these.
Sometimes they would make you
lie on a bed of spikes
and then pour
boiling oil
on you.
ooh!
Mm-hmm, and sometimes, they
would tie your arms and legs
to four different horses
and tear you apart.
( class gasping )
cool.
Why, I feel like
i'm being watched.
Joseph?
Jo-seph?
What?
Dale:
careful, joseph.
I'm just here to
play with bobby.
I don't want
any trouble.
I could use
a little help
preparing the soil.
Why don't you
spread the mulch?
What's it made out of?
Paddle.
And goat manure.
Tu eres muerto.