King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 3, Episode 10 - A Fire-fighting We Will Go - full transcript

You guys are in big,
big trouble.

This is the worst
offense I've seen

in my 14 years as chief fire
investigator.

Dauterive comma

william fontaine
de la tour comma

sergeant barber comma,
united states...

Comma numbskull,
comma shut up.

Well, got to go.

Sit down.

Nobody's going anywhere

until I find out
how this happened.



Now, according
to heck dorland's statement

you were standing out
behind your houses

doing some light yard work...

Bill called;
he's going to be late.

New batch of recruits started
at the base this morning.

He's busy bagging hair.

There's old heck dorland

taking the fire truck
out for a spin.

Lucky bunny.

I'm a fireman!

I'm a fi...

( sighing )

( grunts )

professional firefighters



got the "red flu"
this morning

leaving just us volunteers.

They're holding out for a raise.

They're striking?

Well, sir, fires don't go on strike,
I tell you what.

Heck came by the base
looking for volunteers.

I was the only one
the base commander let go.

What about the rest
of you guys?

You interested?

You talking about firemen, man?

Talking 'bout
"rampart 51, rampart 51."

"dang old emergency, man."

I got them shows on tape, man.

I'd love to help.

Fact. Volunteer firemen
receive sirens

for their personal vehicles.

Fact. And we can use them
whenever we want.

Fact!

Dale, sirens are only
for fire emergencies.

Now, heck, assuming I pass the required
courses and notify

my insurance
company in writing

will I get to drive
the fire truck?

You got any speeding tickets?

No, sir.

I do! I do!

( grunting and panting )

oh, careful.

Ooh, spoons.

Can I assume the potatoes
will be mashed tonight?

Well, bobby,
your dad is a real fireman.

What do you think about that?

I'm a little surprised--

You know, you always seem
to make such a big deal

about being a propane salesman.

I've got nights
and weekends free.

I could be
a fireman, too!

She's right, hank.
deputize her.

No. Luanne
can't be a fireman.

What if a very large man was
trapped in a burning building

and she had to carry him out?

Then, she would do
"a fireperson's carry"

formerly known
as "a fireman's carry."

What's that?

It allows a woman
to lift a man's weight

through a scientific principle
that I like to call "leverage."

Now, come over here.
i'll show you.

( sighing )

( grunting )

hoh-yeah!

( sotto ):
oh, no.

Peggy, are you okay?

Well, yes,
of course I am.

( voice trembling ):
okay, let's eat.

I'll start
the water flow.

Gribble, you're
nozzle man

so aim at the base
of the flame.

Come on, dale,
straighten it out!

Watch where
you're aiming!

( yelling )

it wasn't my fault.

My mask fogged up.

Damn it, dale,
the safety

and welfare of
arlen is at stake.

Get serious.

Good idea, beef.

All right, it's time
you boys met the jaws.

Oh, ho.
oh, man.

Jaws of life,
a.k.a. The jaws.

Victim's trapped
in a car

this baby will
peel it like
an orange.

Yeah, let's see what it does
with a real orange.

Heck, I thought
i'd go ahead

and sharpen all the axes.

♪ hank's a lumberjack
and he's okay. ♪

( laughing )

relax, hank.
we're off the clock.

Hey, say hello to chet elderson

one of arlen's first
volunteer firemen.

Well, what
an honor, sir.

Hank hill--

Propane and propane
accessories...

Aah, ain't you the idiot
what blew up the mega lo mart?

I was supposed to take
my vacation that week.

Idiot.

Uh, actually, sir,
the idiot you're thinking of

was named buckley.

Yeah, yeah.
i'm retired now.

Who unplugged my sign?

Chet, you know
you can't

plug it in.

It don't work right.

I'll get it
for you.

( sputtering and yelling )

( laughing )

( beeping )

how'd I do, bobby?

Okay... Go!

( sighing ):
oh... God.

That's good, boys,
keep playing firemen.

Peggy, let me
help you.

Oh, I'm fine.
I've got it.

Did you hurt your leg?

'cause, uh,
you seem to be limping.

I have not noticed a limp.

Maybe it's because
i'm carrying a heavy bag.

Maybe it has
something to do

with when you
pulled your groin
picking me up.

Well, honey, I don't think
that could be true

since ladies do not have groins.

All right, let's talk
about oxygen tanks.

The cylinder gauge
should be within

how many p.s.i. Of
the regulator gauge?

Anyone?

I am protesting
the results

of last night's
ping-pong tournament.

Boomhauer cannot play the ball
off of bill's head.

No, we all agreed,
my head's in play.

Hank ( over loudspeaker ):
in the first round

the dallas cowboys
select bobby hill

left tackle.

Bobby:
hey, dad.

I told you my dad
was a fireman.

He's a volunteer.

Ooh, dad, we're muddy.

Could you hose us off?

Sure. I'll open up
the hydrant.

Dale, the hydrants
are for fire emergencies.

They don't know
how to open the hydrant.

Because they're
volunteers.

Son, you're about to get very,
very wet.

Fireman gribble, drill time.

Get me the
hydrant wrench.

Mr. Boomhauer,
I need you to run
a three-inch hose.

Bill, hook it up.

( grunting )

it's stuck.

That's because you're turning it
the wrong way.

Give me the wrench.

No, no,
wait. Wait...

( yelling )

shut it off!

Shut it off!

Uh... Uh...

hey!

Damn it, dale,
you stripped the bolt!

It wasn't me.

Dang old
out the way, man.

Quit it, knucklehead.

The jaws ain't for that.

So you were the ones
who busted that hydrant.

We got an anonymous call
it was a bunch of kids.

Bunch of kids?

I gave you names--

Hill, bobby.
gribble, joseph...

It was dale's fault.

Took my jaws of life.

ow!
ow!

Oh, god.

The hydrant's the least
of our problems.

He doesn't care about that.

He's right, I don't.

You half-wits could be
looking at jail time.

Uh... Uh, my name is
shackleford, rusty shackleford.

I refuse to speak
without my attorney present.

I am Mr. Shackleford's attorney,
rusty shackleford.

My client pleads insanity.

My name is dauterive
comma bill

and I am also insane.

( groaning )

gribble...

You've had your phone call.

I know, but now i'm making one
as shackleford.

You see what
I have to deal with?

( sighs )

let's just get back
to the matter at hand.

After you broke
the fire hydrant...

Please, guys,
we've been given

a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity here.

Now, let's not do anything more
to screw this up.

Now, how about running
some ladder-carry drills?

Not interested.

You pushed me aside,
made me look like a fool

in front of my own
flesh and blood.

( snores )

hey, shades, plug in
my alamo sign, will ya?

Better not, dale.

Remember? It
doesn't work right.

♪ be-a-bay, be-e-be,
be-i-bicky-by ♪

♪ be-o-bo, bicky-bi-bo... ♪

I said, not to.
* be-u-bu... *

hey, I found
a cupboard

with all kinds
of jerky in it.

You know, I bet we could
use this lid as a frisbee.

Catch, hank.

What the dang ol'...
ear, man.

What do you think you're doing?

Dang ol' fatty belt buckle, man.

What's going on in here?

I'll take
care of it.

Boomhauer, put some
ice on that ear.

Bill, you fix
the window.
dale...

No, no more orders.

Heck, I cannot work
with this man here.

I want a transfer.

Dale, shut up.

You're acting like an idiot.

♪ be-a-bicky-bi ♪

♪ be-bo-bo,
bicky-bi-bo! ♪

heck:
that's enough!

Now, either you guys get along

or I'll find
four others who can.

Health care for striking
firefighters.

Oh, aunt peggy, it looks like

your groins are
still hurting you.

I just need to spend a night
icing it.

Thank god hank's sleeping
at the fire station tonight.

Why don't you
just admit to him

that you hurt yourself
picking up bobby?

Oh, honey, you've
never been married.

( sighs )
now who left the...

What?

( grunting )

hank:
what the h...

You can't use the fire hose
like this.

You'll damage the elasticity.

Whatcha got under the foil,
mr. Party pooper?

Some party poop?

Uh, peggy made
some frito pie for us.

Hey, yo.

Hey, dale, I was ahead
when hank ruined our game.

So I win, right?

Wrong. You
automatically lose.

But I'll go
double or nothing

on the ping-pong court.

All right.
okay.

( ping-pong continues )

okay, fellas,
time to hit the hay.

Knock it off.

Dale:
game's not over yet.

Pick it up tomorrow.

Hey, man, heads up, man...

Hot frito pie, man.

Give me the ball, damn it.

There.

There.

Dang it, bill, that was
my only pair of glasses.

Dang it, hank,
that was our only ball.

( screams )

hey, man,
dang ol' scarfin' on that, man.

Ha, ha, ha.

My face hurts.

Then, it will
match your ass

when I'm done kickin' it.

No fair, hank,
i'm stuck.

Bill:
hey!

good night.

( rhythmic clacking )

are you guys playing
with that busted ball now?

( groans )

I got bad news, men.

Chet elderson died...
natural causes.

Ah, what a shame.

Bummer, man.
very sad.

( bill passes gas )

oh! For crying out loud.

Dale:
come on, hank,
pick up the pace.

I can't see
where I'm going.

Damn you, bill.

Shh... Man,
dang ol' disrespectful.

Man... Lift,
bill, man.

I am.
it's dale, he's faking it.

Am not.

Dale, no wonder
my end feels so heavy.

Get your hands
on the casket.

It's bad luck.

Told you it was bad luck.

Hank, I want to offer...

Don't.

I mean, I just wanted...

No, you cannot speak to me
ever again.

That goes for me, too, faker.

Why don't you eat
some more pizza.

It's all you ever
do is eat pizza.

No wonder you're
bald and your
wife left you.

Dang ol' amen, man.

Hey, I'm burned.

All of you,
go to bed.

It's 4:00 in the afternoon.

What did I tell you
about talking to me?

Stop the fighting!

This is no way to honor
the memory of chet elderson.

I think I shall
honor chet's memory

by plugging in
his beloved alamo beer sign.

Code 44,
goobersmooches restaurant.

Engine 91, respond.

Code 44,
our first fire.

Let's go,
move it out.

huh?

( siren wailing )

fire's out, men.

Oh. Well, that's good...
I guess.

I was down the street
having a plaque made.

I thought we'd
rename the station

the chet elderson
firehouse--

Since he didn't get
a decent burial.

( pagers beeping )

they're calling
all units.

Where is it?

Oh, my god.

( siren wailing )

uh, where do you
want us, chief?

Back in the grave
with chet elderson.

( clears throat )

I hereby dedicate you
the chet elderson firehouse.

Sir, I've kept a journal
of all the violations

these three nincompoops
have committed

and I'll be more than happy
to turn it...

I've read that journal.

It's all lies.

Hank did it.

Bill did it, too.

I begged them not to.

You chicken-necked
ass, I'll kill you.

( screaming )

oh, for heaven's sake.

Well, I thought you guys
had reached your peak

when you pantsed chet elderson
at his funeral

but then you outdid yourself

by burning down
your own firehouse!

Not me. It was these screwups.

Well, maybe this is
the wrong time to bring this up

but we are only volunteers.

We're going to go over
every minute of what happened

before you lamebrains
left for goobersmooches.

Then I'll know which one of you
to bring up on charges.

( guys gulping )

gribble, you first.

Well, as usual,
I was performing

rigorous fire safety checks
on the station house.

( alarm beeps )

bill had his face buried
in a french bread pizza.

Hank was giving orders
for a change...

Get yourself squared away
before I...

...and boomhauer
thought being a fireman

meant a chance
to work on his tan.

Of course, he didn't realize

his tanning lotion
had been replaced

with some icy hot
hank bought

for peggy's
humiliating groin pull.

( chuckling )

but then the fire alarm
went off, and boomhauer

knocked over his tanning lamp
as he bolted upright.

I raced for the fire truck
with lightning speed.

Uh... Uh...
that's all I remember.

No, no way, man.

Ol' gribble
talkin' that crazy crap, man.

I'll tell you what happened.

Dang ol' truth, man.

Bill, man...
threw... Flip... Boom

landed right in my ear, man.

( alarm beeping )

hey, tell you what,
the dang ol' detector, man.

Talkin' about government take
away freedom of smoke, man.

Tell you what,
dang ol' yo, man. Gih.

Hey, man,
i'll tell you what, man

that dang ol' boy
ain't right, man.

Talkin' 'bout gonna kick
that dang ol' ass, man.

For god's
sakes, hank

act like an adult, man.

And keep it down, guys,
will you?

I am trying to get through
an article on vintage camaros

and I've been on the same
dang page for 20 minutes.

Dang ol' pretty, pretty pizza.

I'll tell you what.

So, you're saying that
bill left the oven on?

Bill:
not true.

Okay. I have a weakness
for pizza.

I, I have a lot of weaknesses,
actually

but I distinctly remember
turning off the toaster oven.

Let's see, uh, then I had
myself a little dessert.

Oh, my.

Uh... Okay. Uh... So,
i-I turned off the toaster oven

just like I said.

Well, what happened
after the fire alarm went off?

Uh, I was in the garage

getting bunkered out.

Dale was on the tailboard

switching the oxygen tanks.

What do you mean
"switching the tanks"?

Why would you switch
the oxygen tanks?

Oh, let's face it.

Me, bill and boomhauer
had no idea what we were doing.

You're the only real
fireman among us.

I saw your tank
was running low.

Mine was full,
and I knew

you'd need every
molecule of oxygen

to carry
our charred bodies

out of that
raging inferno.

So, the fire

could've been caused

by gribble's smoking,
boomhauer's tanning

or dauterive's
incessant cooking.

It could've been,
but it wasn't

and I'll tell you
why it wasn't

i'll tell you what.

We had finally realized
our boyhood dreams.

We had become firefighters,
'cept instead of fighting fires

we were busy fighting each other.

Anyway,the fire alarm went off...

...and I sprung into action.

I switched off the lamp

turned off the stove
and put out the cigarette.

I ran toward the fire truck

and I saw dale
fiddling in the back.

I didn't know that he was busy
switching the oxygen tanks.

Awfully nice thing of him to do

since we weren't even
on speaking terms.

Dale:
still aren't.

Then I put my blinker on
to pull out.

Wait a minute.

I remember seeing some kind
of yellow light in the mirror.

I know what caused the fire.

Somebody plugged in
that stupid alamo beer sign.

And I'll tell you
who that somebody had to be.

( gibbering )

that somebody had to be...

( gibbering louder )

chet elderson.

I did not...
chet elderson!

Yep. Chet was always trying
to plug it in.

He loved that sign.

But the dang thing
didn't work right.

It threw off sparks

and, well, it was just
a real fire hazard.

Isn't that right, dale?

Uh, yes. Chet elderson must
have plugged that sign in

the last time he
was at the station.

What a moron-- may,
may he rest in peace.

Right, bill?

R-right. Yeah, that
sounds like chet.

Tell you what, man
draggin' ol' chet's name
through the mud, man.

Ol' dale's
the one that did it, man.

Leave ol' chet alone, man.

So, each and every one of you

believes that chet elderson
started that fire.

Well, it doesn't surprise me.

I told him a half a dozen times
not to plug in that sign.

( relieved groaning )

I don't know.

Chet was one heck
of a fireman.

I hate to soil
his good name.

Well, guess we could
just call it an electrical fire.

Accidents do happen.

Good idea.

That's
what we'll do.

You're free to go.

Well, I heard
mrs. Throckmorton's

looking to hire
four plumbers.

no.

It's all the beer we can drink.

Uh, okay. I could use a beer.

yup.

yup.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

( grunting )

( grunting )

oh, yeah!

Whoo!

( grunting )

dale:
bicky-bi-be-bo-bo,
bicky-bi-bo!