King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 2, Episode 23 - Propane Boom - full transcript

[muzak playing]

Do you know where I can find
4 “D” batteries for my flashlight?

Um, aisle 30, I think.

This is aisle 30.

15... 3...

Stop guessing.
Either you know, or you don't know.

Sir, I'm trying to help you.

Hey, you! Wait!

[groans]

Batteries?

You just passed 'em.



Right through that door, sir.

[sighs]
Thank you.

[sighing]
I hate this place.

Yahoo!

[theme music]

MISS KREMZER:
As a stylist, you must remember

a bad haircut can cost
your client their job,

even get them beat up.

That's why we practice
on the senior citizens.

Miss Kremzer, my senior citizen
is too small for my chair.

Can I get a new one?

Luanne, please!

Some of them can hear you.

Would you step into my office?



I haven't received your tuition
check for this trimester.

Oh, really?
Um, I mailed it.

Oh, you did, did you?
That's good.

Because if you hadn't,
I would've had to suspend you.

But since you did mail it,

why don't we just sit here
and wait until it comes?

I didn't mail the check.

If I don't pay my tuition,

I can't go to beauty
school anymore.

[sighs]
Can you believe that?

How much was it, again?

$300.

Uh, all I have is $400,

and that's going
towards my new trampoline.

I mean, the trampoline
I have now is good,

but you know...

Yeah, okay.

Night, Buckley.

[bike engine starting]

Ok, Hank.
Try turning it back on now

WOMAN ANNOUNCER:
...because feeling fresh
is important to a woman.

[shrieking]

BOBBY:
Dad, can I come back in, now?

Not yet, son, stay in the kitchen.

Okay, Bobby.
You can come back in.

CHUCK:
Your garden will be a horn of plenty

with Mega Lo Mulch
in easy-to-lift 50-pound bags.

Mmm, that Chuck Mangione
is one class act.

And now Mega Lo Mart has
propane, and propane accessories,

at mega-low prices.
And it "fuels" so good.

Propane at Mega Lo Mart?

Uh, Bobby, leave the room.

You bastards!

[chattering]

All right, all right.
Everybody settle down.

Mega Lo Mart
may be selling propane now,

but they're in for
the fight of their lives.

Tell 'em, Buck.

Well, there's no way
we can compete with their prices.

But Debbie and I
stayed late last night…

and after that,
we came up with a plan

Yes, we have a plan!

Good work,
Buck and, uh, Debbie.

We're gonna beat Mega Lo Mart
by givin' the customer what they can’t:

the personal touch.

A little program I'm gonna call
“Service With a Hug."

[laughing nervously]

You're serious?

[doorbell jangling]

Hi. Welcome to Strickland Propane.
Service With a...

Hug.

Ugh,
I'm really sorry about that.

Now, what can we do for you?

Well, I was just wonderin',
do you honor Mega Lo Mart coupons?

No, but for pennies more,

you get the same propane
and Strickland service.

Well, how many pennies?

Several hundred.

I hugged you!

Sure, son, the Wagner Char King…

does cost a little less
here at Mega Lo Mart.

But when you buy at Strickland,
135 Los Gatos Road

you don't just get a grill

you get a spatula and a friend.

A good spatula!

Sir, there's no yelling
in the propane department.

Some of these gases are
extremely volubuleous.

Well, Buckley, I have a complaint.

I would like to talk
circles around the person

who runs your
propane department.

Hey.

They don't want me
making keys anymore.

I don't know
whether to laugh or vomit.

[sizzling]

Say, I wanna thank you guys

for continuing to buy your
propane from Strickland.

You're about due for a fill-up, Dale.

What's it been?
Five, six cookouts?

No, I'm--I'm all set.

Huh!

Oh, that's odd.
The gauge must be broken.

It says your tank's full.
Here.

Mega Lo Mart?

[Dale screaming]

I am changing the seating plan
in my classroom.

Mr. Garcia has been hiding
from me for too long.

Welcome to the front row,
Mr. Garcia.

Are--are you listening, Hank?

I gotta come up with
some kind of battle plan.

We're huggin' our way
down the crapper, here.

[knocking]

LUANNE:
Uncle Hank, Aunt Peg,
can I come in?

No!
Yes!

You know,

I didn't wanna ask you for money.

That's a good instinct, Luanne.

Go on, honey.

They won't let me back in
beauty academy…

unless I pay them $300.

And I can't make $300

until I'm a rich and famous
Hollywood makeup artist.

Yup. You got yourself
a real Catch-22 there.

Good night.

Now, sir, I know we could
never match Mega Lo Mart's prices…

but I thought maybe we could get
ourselves a spokesperson…

the way Mega Lo Mart cashes in
on Chuck Mangione's star power.

Now, I've done some research
on this Zamfir fella…

and I found out he's sold more
albums worldwide than The Beatles.

His music's better, too.

Hank, it's too late.

I've--

I've decided to shut down
this branch of Strickland Propane.

What? No! Sir, you...

We can't give up!

Hank, listen, I got 4 more
branches to think about.

Sometimes you just gotta cut
off a finger to save the hand.

I gotta let you go

You're firin' me?

I can't even afford to give
you a severance package, but…

You can have 5 minutes
at the office supply cabinet.

Make a basket out
of your shirt, honey.

[cracking]

[grunting]

Take your damn batteries back.
Take 'em back.

Bastards!

I don't want 'em.
You can have 'em.

Boy, you get a lot of batteries for $4.

[grunting]

Bastards!

Dad, what about this big box of tissues?

Is it from Mega Lo Mart?

No, but it was
touching something that is.

Throw it out.

Well, folks, there is no chance in hell
we are gonna lose this house…

because I have spent
a lot of time thinking…

and preparing us
for this exact moment.

You what?

Hank, I married you
for better or for worse.

So, during the better,
I planned for the worse.

I saved all our old curtains

so that I could make
some clothes for Bobby.

We will grow our own vegetables,

and we'll eat carrots for dessert.

[gasps]
I thought you said
we were gonna be okay.

From now on, I'll be
the breadwinner of the house.

Oh, not that you're the bread loser.
We're all winners here!

[Spanish music playing on TV]

[speaking Spanish]

[gasping]

Why is the Pope holding that gun?

That is not the Pope.
It's Monsignor Martinez.

[sighing]

Vaya con Dios!

[gun firing]

Hmm. “Wanted:
One hard-working man
to replace 4 who weren't."

Stop lookin'. You found him.

You'll notice that the door on
your left is open.

And if you're not interested
in making money…

I want you to walk right out that door,
because this is not for you.

Can I just ask,
what exactly are we selling?

That's a very good question.

You'll be selling opportunity.

With your initial investment of $300,

you can make up to $60,000

or as much as $200,000!

It's up to you.

BOTH:
You! You! You!

[clapping]

BOTH:
You!

What's in the box?

All right, eager beaver,
it's time for us to tell you.

Inside each of these boxes

are 24 smaller boxes,

filled with dreams.

Oh, god!
We're not selling steak knives, are we?

Uh, not we. You!

[audience clapping]
BOTH:
You! You! You! You!

Uncle Hank, what's a BTU?

British Thermal Unit.

Oh!

So, there's no bacon
in it at all, then.

Luanne, I think
you picked up the wrong book.

That's about propane.

I know.

[chuckling]

I'm studying to be
a propane salesman,

just like you used to be,
Uncle Hank.

That's a neat idea, Luanne.
While you're at it,

maybe you can fly around the
world in a weather balloon.

I can, too,
get a job selling propane.

Huh! Buckley said
he'd hire me at the Mega Lo Mart.

Mega Lo Mart?

Why don't you just go down to hell
and work for the devil?

[yelling]
Good thing that I don't have
dangerous brain powers,

or right now,
you'd be in 1000 little pieces!

I've answered 40 classified ads,

and I didn't get a single response.

Hey, man, I know how it is.
Man, you go get low down on that money, man,

just come to that ol' bank of Boomhauer.
Get a little ol' cash advance.

Dang ol' additional charge
s may apply, man.

Well, I appreciate that,
but we're doing fine, thanks.

Peggy's landed some extra work
as a notary public.

You got yourself
a good man there, Hank.

Uh...

What did you just say, Bill?

[birds chirping]

[grunting]

[groans]

Propane is,
A: flammable.

B: non-flammable.

C: all of the above.

Hmm.

Well, you can't eat propane, so...

[sighs]

For god's sakes, it's flammable!

I could have gotten that!

You would have never gotten that!

[yelling]
Uncle Hank!

[gasping]

How could such a good cop
become such a bad priest?

Ah, well, I threw out my ethics

and I notarized
Velma Throckmorton's will.

I hope those cats know
how to run a toy store.

Honey, did you iron
my blouse for tomorrow?

No. I don't know how to iron,

and I don't wanna learn.

Hank, we're all taking on extra
responsibilities because of your...

situation.

I'm tryin', Peggy.

Don't be a "try-baby," Hank,
be a "do-baby."

[kissing]

[man speaking Spanish]

LUANNE:
Come on, Luanne.

No job, no Hollywood.
You can do this.

Remember,
BTU, British Thermal Unit.

No bacon--

BUCKLEY:
Hey.

I'm ready for the test,
Buckley.

I just pushed everythin'
out of my mind except propane.

Well, and how to get here.

You don't have to take the test now.

I gave the job to somebody else.

[gasping]

[screaming]

So, I guess you think you're
going to work right now,

off to sell propane
in your fancy vest.

Hope you like walkin', though,

because I took your car keys
and I flushed them down the toilet.

[laughing]

Luanne, have you seen
my car keys?

So, you know
somethin' about propane?

I was assistant manager
at Strickland Propane for 15 years.

[smirks]

Anyway, here's your tag.
You gotta wear this at all times.

Hey!

Hey.

This is Ron.

Uh, hello, I'm Mr. Hill.

15 years experience in propane.

Wow, that's amazing!
Hey, you know what?

What?

Chicken butt.

You know what that means?

No. What?

Chicken butt.

You gotta stop saying “What."

Why?

Chicken thigh.

[laughing]

Okay. Now you gotta put up
some posters in the parking lot.

Chuck Mangione's
giving a concert there next week.

But what...

Uh...

Never mind.

Dad, I thought you
hated Mega Lo Mart

Oh, I do, son.
I do, indeed.

But you're workin' there.

That's right.

Are you still married to mom?

Bobby, of course I am.

Mmm-hmm.
It's true, Bobby. He is.

You know, Hank, I think you should
be happy about your new job.

You get to wear
that smart little uniform.

And with the trainee badge,
you can make all kinds of mistakes.

It's like a "get out of jail free" card.

Well, now I feel great, Peggy.
Thanks very much.

Let's all go dancing.
What do you say?

Well, forgive me, Hank,
but I am doing the best I can.

You've never failed before

I don't know how to pity you
without offending you.

I guess this means
we're not going dancin'.

Hey, Luanne, uh...

Listen, I'm sorry
I took that job you wanted

but you have to--

Sorry, I can't talk right now.

I'm in the middle of a rehearsal.

[British accent]
I'm Sir Reginald Feather Bottom III…

and my boyfriend is going to give me
a job at the Mega Lo Mart.

Hee-haw. No, he's not.
I'm goin' to make him give it to me

and ruin your life forever.

Hee-haw.

HANK:
Luanne...

[braying loudly]

Um...

You work with Ron and Buckley
in the propane department, right?

Well, I work in
the propane department

while Buckley and Ron watch me.

Um...

Could you find out
if Ron likes Stefani?

Cindi, shut up!

[giggling]

Because she wants
to stand next to him

during the
Chuck Mangione concert.

STEFANI:
Shut up!

[giggling]

Well, I think I'll go try and find
the grown-up break room.

Ladies!

I think that old guy likes you.

Shut up!

[giggling]

[air hissing]

Hello.
America loves Mega Lo Mart.

[gasps]

Don't take it too hard, Hill.

After a while,
you hardly miss the respect.

Mark McJimsey.

You mean the Mark McJimsey
that owns “Just Brake Drums"?

Used to own, till Mega Lo Mart
ran all of main street out of business.

Now, I'm just workin' here
in the automotive department

helpin' feed
the beast that killed me.

Yup.The only place you can find
a Main Street these days…

is in Disneyland,
and just try to buy a gun there.

Say, you know a fella
by the name of Ray Holliday?

Layaway Ray? Sure!
Used to go to his bait shop all the time.

So, there I was,
bare-ass naked…

sittin' in a box
of night crawlers.

Felt kind of funny,
but it kept them alive through the night.

See, that's the kind of thing you can do
when you own your own store.

Here, it's just
one humiliation after another.

I've been meaning
to tell you--

YOUNG EMPLOYEE:
All right, break it up, back to work.

And you, where's your trainee tag?

I won't wear it.

I've had 20 years experience.
I'm not goin' to take this!

And neither are we!

Oh? Well, I guess I'll just
have to fire you, then.

[ringing]

Buckley, what the hell
are you doin'?

You never ever
want to put stress on the valve.

You'll cause a gas leak.

Hey, where were you?

You're to set up
Chuck Mangione's dressing room

with sliced pears
and 2-percent cottage cheese.

Or did you forget that, too, Hank?

Trainees.

Tsk! You know how it is.

HANK:
So, what do you think?

RAY:
I don't know, Hank.

You're talkin' about an act
of open rebellion.

Dang right, I am.

They say,
“America loves Mega Lo Mart."

And if we don't speak up,
everyone'll think it's true.

We've got to put
an end to the silence

while the whole world
is watching.

If you want out, get out now.
As for the rest of us,

we will be disrupting
a Chuck Mangione concert.

With kazoos.

Why kazoos, Hank?

Because they're portable,
they're annoying,

and Mega Lo Mart has
them for $3 a case.

We'll be just like queer nation.

Or the Boston Tea Party.

ALL:
Yes, the Boston Tea Party.

HANK:
Exactly!

Uncle Hank?

Yes?

I had a lot of time to think

while I was unflushing
Aunt Peggy's keys.

And I would like you to know

that I'm not mad at you
anymore for taking my job.

I was the better candidate.

Oh, sure, sure.

Um...

Can you give me a ride to the
Mega Lo Mart in the mornin'?

I'm going to break up with Buckley.

As of tomorrow, your boss is no
longer my boyfriend.

[brakes squealing]

Why don't you get us a spot, Peggy?

I've got a little business to take care of.

I know, Hank. I saw your bag of kazoos,
and I put 2 and 2 together

after 15 years of teaching,
I know a mutiny when I see one.

Don't try to stop me, Peggy.

[yelling]
Hank!

Yeah?

Remember, honey,
to hum, not blow!

If you blow, it tears the wax paper!

I'll tell 'em.

Hank, where's your kazoo?

I got somethin' bigger in store
for Mr. Charles Mangione.

[people chattering]

I'm breakin' up with you!

Do you know why?

Chicken thigh?

Don't make this harder
than it already is.

[gas hissing]

[honking]

[audience cheering]

How are you doing, Arlen?
Are you ready to soft rock?

[cheering]

[horn blowing]

[kazoos buzzing]

[crowd exclaiming]

I-is that their new slogan?

Huh?

[sniffs]

Oh, no!

[hissing]

[woman screaming]

[people screaming]

[screaming]
Hank!

[screaming]
Chuck!

Buckley and Luanne are in there!

Hey, man, is this 9-1-1?
I'm dang ol' here at Mega Lo Mart, man.

It's gone boom, there's a fire there.

And dadgum--dadgum blowed
everywhere, man.

I don't know.
Some man run out of there.

I don't know if Chuck Mangione
gonna be coming here--

WOMAN:
Sir, you're going
to have to speak more slowly.

I can't understand you.

Dang ol' Mega Lo Mart...

Talking about dang ol'...

Dang, it's boom!

[theme music]

STEFANI:
Shut up!

[giggling]