King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 2, Episode 22 - Peggy's Turtle Song - full transcript

??[rock 'n' roll
music playing]

[munching]

[slurping]

granma, you put the cookie
s back in breakfast.

Oh, my goodness, the time!
I am field-tripping in an hour

and I can't remember
any good songs for the bus
.

now, what does that john jacob
jingleheimer schmidt do again?

He goes out, people shout.

Not a whole lot more
is known about him
.

i'm sorry, honey,
but I don't have time
to cook you breakfast.

Here. Promise me
that you'll eat 2 bowls.



It is the most important
meal of the day.

ok.

[slurping]

I love you, granma
.

[water running]

mornin', son.
Did your mom have time

to cook you breakfast
before she left?

Nope.

Oh, jeez.

We got any cereal?

I believe we do.

What is that? Oatmeal? Ugh
!

better put some sugar on that.

(teacher)
all right. Now
, as you all know,



mother's day is coming up.

And I thought it might
be fun to talk about

some of the famous mom
s throughout history who--

Owned slaves!

Uh, no, what I was going to--

Going to say.

yes.

What I was going to say--

Going to say.
Going to say.

We heard the preview,
now get to the feature!

Bobby.

Bobby. Bobby.
Bobby. Bobby.

I think you had better
see the nurse.

ok.

[bobby panting]

n
mr. Hill,
I've diagnosed your so

with attention
deficit disorder.

He's probably
had it for years.

What?

Well, how come nobody
ever noticed this before?

Very few people have acces
s to the pamphlets I do.

Here. Take one.

[sighs]

you know, I've noticed
the boy's mind

wander sometimes
when I'm lecturin' him.

A mental disorder
would explain that.

Personally, I recommend putting him on

one of the many popular a.d.d. Medications
now available.

I don't like the idea
of puttin' my boy on drugs.

Isn't there some
kind of operation?

Your only other option
is to send him

to the special school
across town.

He'll have to wear a uniform.
Can he button his own shirt?

You bastards.

[crickets chirping]

ritalin, cylert,

tofranil, desipramine.

All sounds like
goofathol to me.

What if this
is all my fault?

A mother should be there
for her baby

when he's in trouble,
not halfway across town.

Oh, sure, I'm a hotsho
t substitute teacher,

but sometimes I
don't even have time
to make my own son breakfast.

ha!

Well, it is called
"attention deficit disorder."

Maybe the boy's not gettin'
enough attention.

Sometimes I think
I should just quit my job

and devote myself full-time
to bein' a mother.

But you know,
what am I saying?

Quit my job?
That's crazy talk.

Now, wait a minute, peggy.
"crazy" is a very strong word.

You're just thinking out loud.

Bobby is crazy.

.
But I just
couldn't turn my back
on my career like that

i'll tell you what, peggy.
My own mom never worked
in her life.

Home, that's what
mattered to her.

And she just kept
makin' it stronger
every day until the divorce.

Well, I will save some money

.
on faculty-roo
m football pools

and I can get another year
out of these glasses.

Maybe we can try It a little while,

for bobby's sake.

Hank, if you'll support me
on this,

baby, I'll do it.

(hank)
now, the main thing is
not to worry.

What you have is, well,

technically,
they call it a disease.

A disease?

But not a regular disease,
like you get in your body.

It's a much more

rare disease, in your brain.

Now, I know
we've talked a lot

about how you should
never do drugs

but from now on you'll be
taking medication
after every meal.

So, do I smoke it
or snort it or what?

It's a pill, bobby.

So, I guess I'll
just pop it then.

You will not "pop" it.

You will place it
in your mouth.

Bobby,

do you know who I am?

I'm lu-anne.

Remember?

He has a.d.d., luanne.

He didn't get hit in the head
with a coconut.

[kissing sounds]

here you go,
my little angel.

Now that I'm not working,
I had time to
make you pancakes

and we've got eggs and bacon

arranged in 1 of 3
facial expressions,

depending upon your mood.

Well, I guess I'll take happy

as in "happy about
this old-fashioned
family breakfast."

I had better go soon,
or I'm gonna Miss my bus.

oh.

But I made...

Well, bobby, this is it.

You're gonna take
your first pill now

and in about
a half-hour you should

find yourself real
interested in stuff

that would normally bore
the pants off you.

Round and round
and round it goes,

when he eats it,
nobody knows.

Well, what have we here?

Just pop the pill, bobby.

Feel anything yet?

[sluggishly]
starting to.

[amplified scratching]

anyway, and then after I
sent him off to school,
I did a bunch of errands

and I still had time to submit
a quotable quote
to reader's digest.

"some people like
to stay as busy as a bee

but I like to stay
as busy as a b-plus."

[all laughing]

oh,

but you know, I almost worry
I have too much time now.

That can be a problem, peg.

.
Myself, I clip coupons

I think we'd all
go a little crazy
without coupons.

[chuckling]

[guffawing]

oh, that's funny.

[chuckling]

[sighs]

there are 96 ridges

on every checker

except this one.

[yawning]

family game time.
I love it.

So, how was your day,
peggy?

Well, I bought
an ice cube tray.

Then I took it back.

Well, I tell you what,
I think I may
get out the guitar

and have a family
sing-along tonight,

just like we used to,
that one time.

Just gotta drop by earl's
and get betsy
some new strings.

You're leaving
the house?

You don't have to come, peggy.

I'm sure you've had
a full day.

[car horn honking]
you just stay here and relax.

Let's go!

Funny. I never saw peggy
as the stay-at-home type.

Well, she's got
2 full-time jobs now.

Wife and mother.

It's longer hours
and less pay,

but you don't hear me
complainin'.

[laughs]

ah!

seriously, though,
we're lovin' it.

[ringing]

[ticking]

hmm!

so, you know a few chords
already then?

Huh? Oh, yes.

I have picked up a couple
from my husband, and that...

[gasps]

is that a tattoo?

Uh-huh. You like it?

Do I like it?

[laughing]

oh, my!

So, what makes you want
to play music, peggy?

Well, my husband and I
recently had to make

a choice between our child
and my career.

And it's left me
with some time to fill.

Filling time.

Yeah, that's what I though
t I was doing when
I started playing music.

Turned out I was
really looking for a voice
to scream with.

Well, I don't know
if my husband would appreciate
screaming in the house

but, let's see...

[screaming]

well, he might have to
get used to it.

[screaming]

[sniffing]

there's some milk
in the fridge

that's about to go bad.

[sniffing]

and there it goes.

[sighs]

I wish I had those
miracle smart pills.

You know, the way
peggy's been bakin',

there won't be
a windowsill in our house

that doesn't have
a pie coolin' on it.

I tell you,
family values are in again
at the hill house.

Yeah, you're
a lucky man, hank.

You know, my ex-wife,
she was a careerist,
you know.

And one day I
had to say to her,
"honey, make a choice.

It's either me
or the motivational
poster industry."

.
Boy, I wish
I hadn't said that

you know what the root
of the problem is,
don't you?

Feminism. Gloria steinbrenner,
that's what started it.

.
Gerald ford
should've killed her
when he had the chance

hey, I'm looking
for the hill house.

The hank hill house?

The peggy hill house.

I'm her guitar teacher.

Oh, just go right
around to the front.

I thought you said
family values
were in at your house.

Yeah, hank.
That gal there,

she's dressed
kinda pro-choice.

.
Here's one for
practicing c and g

you said you wanted stuff
with strong lyrics?

That's right. But no cursing,

and no cop killing.

I'm sorry, but that is
just how I was raised.

Maybe you ought to try writing
a song of your own, peggy.

I bet a woman
in your situation
would have a lot to say.

And what situation is that?

Well, you know
, having to give up
your life's work

to make things easier for
the rest of your family.

Yeah, I suppose
a situation like that
should make me want to sing.

Oh, come to think of it,

yesterday,
the oddest little tune
popped into my head.

It's sort of silly but,

well, you'll tell me
if you think
there's something to it.

[clearing throat]

? There once was a turtle ?

? That lived in her shell ?

? The shell was her home ?

?
? And her prison as well ?

Whoa!

There's definitely
something to that.

Really? Well, thank you.

You know,
I had a feeling
it was very, very good.

"every girl band
deserves funding."

Great. I will remember that.

So, your guitar teacher
looks pretty interesting.

And by "interesting,"
I mean "weird."

Well, she is weird.

And by "weird,"
I mean "interesting."

I invited her over
for dinner tomorrow.

What? Now, why in the worl
d would you do something
like that?

Well, because she has
a tattoo, hank.

Don't you think
a girl like that
could use a home-cooked meal?

[sighs]

you know, emily,
hank plays guitar, too.

He has a guild
solid top, 1963.

?
Wow, so, how come
you're practicing on that
old plywood one, peggy

oh, I wouldn't
think of touching betsy.

You named
your guitar betsy?

Yup. It's one of my most
precious possessions.

Interesting.

[bobby yawning]

when's my next pill?

Not until after dinner, honey.

I'm gonna take
a little nap, please.

Paying attention
all day tires me out.

[snoring]

so, emily,

peggy tells me
you've been helpin' he
r write music,

workin' with her,
and puttin' ideas
in her head and such.

You know, I was thinking about
that turtle song of yours.

If you come up
with more verses,

you can sing it at
my mother's day recital.

You mean in front of people?

Oh, well,
I do Miss performing.

.
That's what a teacher is,
you know,
just a great performer

it's one of the reasons
children love school.

Yeah, the recital's
a pretty casual thing.

Me and some of my students
take over the back room
at earl's,

drink some wine, play songs,
just kind of take a little
potshot at the holiday.

Why would anyone
wanna take a potshot
at mother's day?

Well, it's kind of bizarre,
don't you think?

The greeting card
companies invented
this holiday in 1914.

And now the whole
country celebrates
another stereotype

of what women
are supposed to be.

You're not married,
are you, emily?

So, this recital,
what time would it be?

(hank)
don't answer that.

We already have plans
for mother's day.

Peggy's starting
an exciting new life
as a homemaker

and to celebrate,
we are having brunch.

But brunch can be
almost anytime,
can't it?

I mean,
that's the magic of brunch.

But not just brunch, either.

It's gonna be a whole day
where you won't have t
o lift a finger.

Just let us take care
of everything.

So, she won't have to use
her brain at all, then.

That's right.

Interesting.

[wristwatch alarm sounds]
oh!

well, bobby, it's time
for your next pill.

[snoring]

[groaning]

? The turtle got frightened ?

? And wanted to hide ?

[sighs]

? So she tucked her head ?

? Into the safety inside ??

[groaning]

hank, you are groaning
every time I sing a line.

Oh, am i? I'm sorry.

Do you like my song?

Well, to tell you the truth,
i'm not so sure I get it.

There's nothing to get.
It's just a song
about a turtle.

Yeah, but I think
I know somethin'
about music,

having listened to it a lot.

And I tell you one thing,
you need to put something
upbeat in there.

Upbeat? No. No.
That would never work
in this song.

Sure, it would.
You just tack somethin
g on at the end

.
where it all works out

for instance, the girl turtle

could meet a guy turtl
e and fall in love.

See, then the song is really
about somethin'.
Can you see that?

Oh, please, that is
so old-fashioned, hank.

Yes. Old-fashioned
, as in "good."

[gasps]

luanne's home.

I just don't understand
why you have to keep singing

that depressing turtle song.

I don't know, either, hank,
but I do.

I feel very strange lately.

Last night,
I dreamt we had 20 children.

Peggy, you know
I can't give
you more children.

[whispering]
I have a narrow urethra.

Hank, I don't think that's
what it meant at all!

Well, forgive me,
but I don't know
what anything means anymore.

.
I thought we agree
d to take a big step
backwards together

but it sounds like
you'd rather play

s
punk music with
your hippie friend

.
on boring old mother's day

well, it is my day.
I should be able to do
whatever I want!

Not whatever you want.

You can't kill a man.

Then you'd end up in prison.

And with that attitude,
they'll put you in the hole!

[door slams]

(hank)
happy mother's day, mom.

I wish I was there
to shake your hand in person.

So, where are you kids
having brunch today?
Luly's? Joe-bo's?

We're not doing brunch, mom.

Peggy decided
she'd rather go
to a rock concert.

On mother's day? Why?

I don't know.
Peggy's just not
like you, I guess.

You devoted
your whole lif
e to raising me.

.
And let's be honest,
you loved
every second of it

well, actually, hank,
I took odd jobs,

you know,
as often as I could

just to get out
of the house.

Don't you remember
that year I drove a taxi?

No. Oh, wait a minute.

I remember you had
a yellow car
when I was little.

Oh, hank, I gotta go.

Uh, gary's here
with my mother's day present.

-
But wait, mom-

I love you too,
honey. Gotta go.

.
I hope you like it

[laughs]

I can't return it.

(luanne)
I tried to study
for my beauty exam,

but I couldn't concentrate.

And then I tried
to figure out why,

and I got bored.

You must have caught
my a.d.d.

And I know when, too.
It was that time I
sneezed in your face.

oh.

I don't remember that.

Well, you were asleep.

Bobby, I've got
a test tomorrow mornin',

or afternoon,
or evenin', or somethin'.
Bobby, I need that pill!

[car approaching]

hey, man, hank,
I tell you, man,

you don't remember
this little old lady
right here, man?

I certainly do.
Happy mother's day,
mrs. Boomhauer.

I tell you what, hank,
I come around here, like that

and then for dang ol' brunch.
I raised this boy right.

He was just
a little old thing.

It's like the best
dang day of the year.

[sighs]

[birds chirping]

[engine starting]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[laughing]

? Met a guy
in my boxing class ?

? I slept with him
before I kicked his ass ??

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

rowdy crowd.

Just remember, peggy,
you came here because
you have something to say.

It might be complex--

Turtles are complex.
Yes, they are.

But when you say something
from the heart,
it always comes out right.

That was quotably quoted,
my friend. Quotably quoted.

[audience applauding]

[audience cheering]

hi, mom.

Bobby, honey,
what are you doing here?

Well, we figured today
was your special day.

And since you're
singin' a special song,

we thought you should have
a special guitar
to play it on.

Betsy.

Hey, I want you
to give a lot of support
to our next artist,

peggy hill, everybody!

[audience cheering]

peggy's here to sing a song
about how a woman feels

when the world tells her
who she has to be.

huh?

Oh, no, actually,
i'm singing the one

about the turtle
that's stuck in her shell.

[audience chuckles]

and I'd like to dedicate this
to my husband.

[audience laughing]

? There once was a turtle ?

? Who lived in her shell ?

? The shell was her home ?

? And her prison as well ?

[woman whooping]

[audience agreeing]

? One day she got frightened ?

? She wanted to hide ?

? So she tucked her head ?

? Into the safety inside ?

(woman)
that's right!

[audience cheering]

? But then came a moment ?

? Of terrible doubt ?

? She could not find any ?

? Head hole to poke out ?

(woman #1)
get rid of that control freak.

(woman #2)
leave him!

(woman #3)
fight corporate,
white-male oppression.

I thought the song
was just about a turtle, dad.

Yeah, I did, too.

I'm--i'm sorry.

I--i'm just a little bit
flustered.

(woman)
wake up, girl.

Speak your mind.

Look what he's doing to you.

(woman #2)
I got a number--

You can do it, peggy.
From the heart.

? But a miracle saved her ?

? Be-before her heart sank ?

? The magical love ?

? Of a turtle named ?

? Hank ??

Thank you.

(hank)
yes!

oh, man!

Kinda copped out
at the end there,
didn't she?

Now, that gal
can write music.

(hank)
maybe the problem is,

you've got too muc
h mother in you.

(peggy)
oh, go on.

One kid was plenty
for my mom,
but you're different.

If you're not nurturing 20
, 30 kids at once,

you start to lose your edge,

and how's that goo
d for the boy?

Well, maybe I could
try teaching again.

Sure. And in the meantime,
we can keep bobby
on the medicine.

I tell you, today,
I really noticed
his behavior improve.

Uh, I didn't take
my medicine today.

What?

Why not, honey?

'cause luanne needed it badly.

And anyway, I can't take
the rush anymore.

It's too fast and,
like, freezy.
You know, it's like...

[shivers]

[giggling]

welcome home.
I cooked you brunch,
and I tuned your car,

fixed your mower,
and ate the brunch.

hmm!

Maybe we should
read a little more
about that medicine, hank.

Yeah, couldn't hurt.

[luanne giggling]

??[rock 'n' roll
music playing]

[bobby sniffing]

(bobby)
and there it goes.