King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 3, Episode 1 - Death of a Propane Salesman - full transcript

BOBBY: Previously on King of the Hill,:

NARRATOR: ,,,and now Mega Lo Mart
has propane,,,,

Propane at Mega Lo Mart?

-l gotta let you go.
-You're firing me?

You don't have to take the test now.
l gave the job to somebody else.

How you doing, Arlen?
You ready to soft rock?

l'm breaking up with you.

[Tense instrumental music]

[Sniffing]

[People screaming]

Hank!



Chuck!

Buckley and Luanne are in there!

[Theme song]

[Bobby panting]

We must be getting old, Connie.

We're 12, Bobby. We are old.

We've got to figure out
what we'll do with our lives.

l'm gonna go to college
and study prop-comictry.

l can't decide
between being a concert violinist...

or leading the fight
against the overuse of antibiotics.

Be a violinist.

That way, l could be your opening act,
and we could travel the world together.

Your dad got blown up.

[Tense instrumental music]



RESCUE WORKER #1 : Let's bring it around.

PEGGY: Hank!

Please, Someone help me,

My husband is in there.

He had to take this job
because nobody else would hire him.

We're doing everything we can,
Mrs. Mangione.

RESCUE WORKER #2: l got two.

[Dramatic instrumental music]

Hank, you're alive!

l'm all right, Peggy.
There's two more inside.

Thank God you're okay. l was so worried.

And Luanne!

Oh, my Lord.

My hair feels weird.

[Tense instrumental music]

l don't feel so good.

What about Buckley? Did you find him?

l'm sorry, sir.

But so far it appears
that there were no other survivors.

My God!

l'm bald!

BOBBY: What's taking so long?
When do l get to see Dad?

Your father and Luanne
will be out soon, honey.

Bobby, that is not a mint.

-All right, let's go home.
-Dad! You're all right!

ls there any permanent damage?

No damage, no scratches,
no dents, no dings.

Bobby, what do you say
we go hit the batting cages?

-Okay.
-Hank, slow down. You almost died today.

That's the good thing about death:
You either die or you don't.

l didn't, so let's go hit some balls.

Are you sure you're okay?

Careful, everyone,

Luanne is gonna look different,
maybe even hypnotically grotesque,

But do not stare.

l'm real sorry about Buckley, and your hair.

Bobby!

Honey, it'll be fine.

We will just cover it up with makeup,
and it'll be fine.

No, Aunt Peggy. l'm not gonna use hair
or makeups anymore.

l learned something from that explosion.

Beauty doesn't last forever.
lt can be blown off your head.

Hank, you poor thing. You shouldn't
be standing after your accident.

l'm fine. lt's no big deal.

Buildings explode. That's what they do.

Can we please talk about something else?

Bill, you're in favor of a flat tax.
You haven't said a word about it.

Did you happen to see Buckley,
or any part whom of...

attempting to flee the scene
of the ''accident''?

Dale, the boy is no more.

All they found left of him was his nametag.

That's all he wanted them to find.
Classic cover-up.

That boy's no deader than Mother Teresa.

[Car honking]

STRlCKLAND: Hank, old girl,
Strickland's back in business.

-Get ready to pump propane tomorrow.
-Right, sir.

l might be a little late. l don't know
if l gave Mega Lo Mart my notice.

l think you gave your notice, Nitro.

l had nothing to do with that explosion,
which hasn't affected me in any way.

[Phone ringing]

PEGGY: Hello, Peggy here.
Hank, it's Mr. Strickland.

Busy. Take a message.

Can he call you back?

What? l see.

Why did you not tell me
Mr. Strickland offered you your job back?

lt just happened yesterday.

Honey, he says customers are lined up
out the door.

l am in the middle
of de-crumbing the toaster.

Save the crumbs.

Luanne, honey, look.

lt's two of your old friends,
the Manger Babies.

Sock puppets are for babies.

ln the real world, beauty fades...

and penguins die a cold, horrible death.

So, you're not going back
to beauty school then?

l'm tired of making the world look pretty.

l wanna show the world for what it is.

With photojournalism.

Photojournalism? That's something.

Look at these pictures of hungry children.

Why is the CNN logo in the corner?

This is just a picture of the TV.

lt's nice to be smart, Aunt Peggy.

Smart and well-fed.

Find the body yet, Quincy?

We have some remains
that we're analyzing.

-You needn't concern yourself.
-l needn't, shouldn't l?

And maybe l should not know
that all Mega Lo Mart employees...

have a $5,000 insurance policy?

That's nonsense. This is
a very straightforward investigation.

-That's what they want you to think.
-Sir, we are they.

[Tense instrumental music]

PEGGY: Hank, fries are up.

Honey, how are the steaks coming?

[Hesitating]

Still tenderizing. Don't wanna rush them.

You have been pounding the bejesus
out of that beef since noon.

Throw it on the grill. Let's go.

[Tense instrumental music continues]

[Sighing]

[Hissing]

Dang.

-What's wrong?
-l lost the steaks.

Gobbets of meat from the sky.

Doesn't taste like Buckley.

They need your help at Buckley's wake,
manning the grill.

What? Grill?

ls it propane?

Of course it's propane.
They're not Unitarians.

l wouldn't feel right. l barely knew Buckley.

Wake grilling is something you do
for a blood relative or a close friend.

Now, when Bill dies, maybe.

PEGGY: Honey, what a pretty outfit
for a funeral.

Now, before we go,
you might wanna open this.

Your friends from the Beauty Academy
dropped it off,

''Sorry for your loss.
You had beautiful hair.''

They've made me a wig.

''We made you a wig.''

They made me a wig.

Throw it out.

Okay, you just go ahead and grieve
any way that you want.

Redbook says losing a boyfriend
is the fourth most painful loss.

Right between grandmother and penis.

l'm not grieving.

l broke up with Buckley
seconds before the explosion...

and l never looked back.

That's why l still have my eyebrows.

DALE: Something's not right.
A week's salary says that box is empty.

l'm going in.

[Vomiting]

Didn't think l'd see you here.
Guilty conscience?

Why would l have a guilty conscience?
l did not blow up the Mega Lo Mart.

Good. l'm glad you said that.

l'm wearing a wire for an unrelated matter.

So, when can l expect you back?

After an appropriate period of grieving, sir.

Buckley was practically a son to me.

[Somber jazz playing]

This is depressing.
You wanna go play in the cemetery?

Okay.

The passing of Buckley
is a great loss and a sad occasion.

Would anyone care to come up
and say a few words about Buckley?

l guess y'all expect me to cry for Buckley.

But l am not...

because there are a lot more important
things to cry about.

This is a picture
of what a hungry lrish child looks like!

Fight the occupation!

[Sighing]

ls there anyone else who would
like to say a few words about Buckley?

Anybody at all?

The name of the boy was Buckley.

At first, l didn't much like Buckley, l admit.

But then l saw how much
he piss off my neighbor, Mr. Hank Hill...

and l decided to seek out
this Buckley fellow...

get to know him.

l grew to love that boy.

Now that he's gone,
l feel a big hole in my life.

l think we all do.

ls a world without Buckley
a world we want to live in?

As a Buddhist, of course,
l get comfort from a story.

l don't have to tell you
how much Buddhists like a story.

[Kahn laughing]

Anyway...

story begin with man
being chased by ferocious tiger.

Tiger chase him to edge of cliff,

Man falls off,
Halfway down, he grab onto a branch,

He look up and see one hungry tiger,
Now he look down,

He see another hungry tiger,
waiting for him on the ground below,

That not a good place to be,

He know for sure he gonna die.

Then, out of corner of his eye...

he see a wild strawberry
growing from same branch,

He pluck it and eat it,

lt was the sweetest tasting strawberry
he ever had.

Can you believe this guy?
He tells a joke at a funeral.

Highly inappropriate.

Yeah, but it was funny.

PEGGY: l just don't know how one little boy
can get so dirty in a cemetery.

PEGGY: Bobby, are you in the bath yet?
BOBBY: There's no hot water.

The heater must have gone out again.
Will you check on it?

[Tense instrumental music]

So, is it lit?

lt's getting there.

Oh for heaven sakes, Hank,
l will do it myself.

[Both screaming]

What is wrong with you?

You won't go to work,
you declined an opportunity to grill.

And now this?

You are acting like you're afraid of propane.

Oh, my God.

COUNSELOR: Welcome to the Survivors
of Propane Explosions Support Group.

Let's start with Chuck.

Ever since the explosion, every song l play
sounds like Feels So Good.

Maybe that's because
it does ''feel so good'' to be alive.

No, that's not it.

Mr. Hill, tell us
how you're dealing with your grief.

Nothing much to talk about.

l was in a propane explosion,
and now l'm afraid of propane.

-Next person?
-Do you think he needs shock treatment?

Perhaps. Sounds to me that what
you're really afraid of is your own death.

What? Nobody's afraid of death.

That's crazy. l'm afraid of propane.

You're transferring. Doesn't it scare you?

The thought of missing
all your family's special moments.

-No!
-Never again sipping wine with friends.

-Scratching your cat or cats.
-No!

-Making love to your partner.
-No!

[Hissing]

Only when you deal with
your fear of death...

will you be able to overcome
your fear of propane.

Stop it. Can't you hear the hissing?
lt's propane. This room's gonna blow.

[Sputtering]

[Hissing]

-Here.
-What's this?

lt's my scrapbook.

This is the way that rational people
deal with death.

By clipping articles out about grisly
accidents from the local newspapers.

-lt is also my hobby.
-Good Lord!

[Hank exclaiming in disgust]

They beat the Aggies
but they could not beat that train.

Y'all ever think about death?

Yeah, l think about it. l'm an army barber.

l get up every day and stare death
in the back of the head.

l am not going to die.

Chromium picolinate.
Every orifice, every day.

KAHN: Hank, let me give you
a piece of advice.

You need to relax and enjoy life.

l got this story about a tiger.
Knock your socks off.

Already heard that joke, Kahn.

''Strawberry.''

Have you thought about who'll
take care of Bobby when you're gone...

'cause l'd like to throw my hat in the ring.

l'd take him to baseball games...

and me and Peggy could sit up in bed
at night picking out colleges.

Peggy would not be included
in any guardianship situation.

l'll take the boy.
The widow Hill is on her own.

-You got a deal.
-All right.

Don't shake his hand. Let go of that.

l'm not saying Bobby goes to either of you.

What's going on?
l thought he was gonna be okay.

[Moaning]

l'll tell you what, Hank,
about that dang old meaning of life, man.

lt's like this, man:

You like a butterfly flapping his wings
deep down in a forest, man.

lt gonna cause a tree to fall over
5,000 miles away, man.

There ain't nobody see it,
nobody don't know it happen.

You know, a baby born into this world
don't got no dang friends.

Don't got no nothing but to come in
to find out all about the old evil, man.

You don't even know what you going....

lt's like you're born into this world
and you got like this, man.

Dust ln The Wind, man,
or like a dang old Candle ln The Wind.

lt don't matter, All oldies all the time,

You know what l think, man?
The dang old, ''l think, therefore you are, ''

That's what we tell ourselves,
isn't it, Boomhauer?

All right. l can do this.

Nothing to be afraid of.

[Hissing]

PEGGY: Hank!

l can't find Bobby!

Connie says he ran away
and he's already beyond the tri-yard area.

HANK: Bobby!

Here's a fruit pie. You get Ladybird.

[Whistles]

Come on, smell the pie, girl.

All right. She's locked on Bobby's scent.

Come on, girl, let's go.

PEGGY: Hurry, Hank!

l hope he finds Bobby before dark.

lt is hard to feel sorry for that little boy.

There are whole villages in lreland,
where children are too busy...

sewing whooshes on tennis shoes
to run away.

[Groaning]

l heard enough from you.

The more you hold in, the more you put on
strange Sinead O'Connor act.

l cry river of tear for Buckley.

Why not you?

So l'm not crying for Buckley.

Big deal. He doesn't deserve it.

BUCKLEY: For your birthday l wanted
to get you those earrings you like,,,

but l'm kind of tapped out, so,,,

here's some CDs l don't listen to anymore,
Later, Buckley,

[Sobbing]

Buckley.

My hair!

l'm so alone!

OBADlAH: No, you're not.

SlR REGlNALD: You're right as rain, what?

And such a pretty young thing as well.

But l don't wanna look pretty anymore.

That's just rubbish.

Every girl wants to look pretty. Righto?

Why don't you try on that lovely wig?

How do l look?

SlR REGlNALD: Let's see it off again.

Dad, how'd you find me?

l let Ladybird sniff one of your fruit pies...

and she took me
around the block a few times.

And then Mr. Krinski called
and said he saw you over here.

He was probably just looking for his mom.

Yeah. So....

l guess you're here 'cause of the way
l've been acting since the explosion.

When that happened
l was afraid you were dead.

And today you were talking to your friends
about dying...

and l guess l freaked out.

Son, you shouldn't be worrying
about that stuff.

Hopefully, it's a long way off,

A boy your age ought to worry
about getting dates and making a team....

You know, getting dates.

My dying should be
at the bottom of the list.

You need to relax and enjoy life.

[Mystical instrumental music]

Did l ever tell you the story
about the man and the tiger?

Uh-uh.

There was this man...

and he was being chased
by a ferocious tiger.

Make that a lion, a Detroit Lion.
Two of them.

And the man was
Cowboy hall-of-famer Roger Staubach.

l know him. He sells life insurance on TV.

Yeah. Anyway, the Lions were blitzing...

and Roger rolled out of the pocket,
running for his life.

He headed for the sidelines, but
these two Lions were closing in on him.

Then out of the corner of his eye
he saw a strawberry,

Cup of Gatorade.

Roger took a drink of that Gatorade.

But l'll tell you something, son.

lt was the sweetest sip of Gatorade
Roger ever tasted.

[Exclaiming]

l get it.

lt's funny, Dad. You told it great.

l got an even better joke for you.

Okay.

Two Eskimos wanna buy a car together.

But only one of them knows how to drive.

So they take a bus to the car store...

and they bring their money with them.

Did l say
they were trading in their dogsled?

HANK: No.
BOBBY: Good, 'cause that's the punch line.

So, the money melts,
'cause it's a snowball,

And they get there late
so they have to stay in a hotel,

l'm gonna leave out the bellhop part
'cause it doesn't really go anywhere,

God, this is a good joke!

[Engine starting]

WOMAN: Look out, it's gonna blow.

Very funny.

You got a light?

That's a real good one for the 15th time.

Help, honey.
My arm's been blown off by propane.

Ha-ha, Joe Jack.

Seriously, baby,
thanks for blowing up the Mega Lo Mart.

l didn't blow it up!

[Theme music]

[School bell ringing]

[Bobby panting]

[Screams]

Kid, where's your hall pass?

You got me.

My name is Ramon Tavares.
l'm in Mr. Powell's class.

Ramon Tavares?

Why does your lunch bag say ''Bobby Hill''?

Because we can't spell Ramon....

What did l say?

[Laughing]

All right. Get going, Ramon.

-Bobby Hill!
-Yeah?

You're good.

[Laughing]

Yup.

-Yup.
-Yup.

[Boomhauer grunts in agreement]

They dumped it right where we stand.
That's where we stand.

Why would somebody leave a couch
behind my house?

l know how it got here.

One of them firefighting planes
scooped it up out of Lake Arlen.

You're not talking
about that dang old urban legend, man.

lt's like that toothbrush
up that man's bottom.

That true, too. That happened to me.

Look, treasure.

A rubber band and a sugar cube.

[Exclaiming in pleasure]

Have a little pride, Bill.

lf we eat their garbage,
we're not much better than they are.

Probably had a coffee table.

lf this old couch could talk,,,,

My name? My name is Hank Taxpayer...

and l want that couch removed.

There are people who stand in that alley.

We talk.

That's not really your business, is it?

Sports, mostly, you know.

[Grunting]

[Girls laughing]

[Cheerful instrumental music]

Guys, you've got to see this.
Bobby, do that walk again.

Okay.

[Yiddish accent]
What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

[All laughing]

What's so funny about that?

lt's adult humor, Connie.
l don't even get some of it.

[Lively instrumental music]

lt could be weeks
before the city comes and hauls this away.

What? You say something, Hank?

This is ridiculous.
l say we get rid of the couch ourselves.

[Bill sighing pleasurably]

-What are you doing?
-l'm drinking beer.

l'm sitting on the couch, and l'm outside.

l'm just going to take a break.
Five minutes, that's all.

[Dale sighing]

Man, don't sit like a bunch of
dang old lazy couch jockeys sitting there.

Look up there in the sky, man,
That dang old,,,,

[Boomhauer sighs]

Sorry. l don't want to be
no dang old Lucky Pierre, man.

Come on, Hank.

All right. But if l don't like it,
l'm standing right back up.

[Birds chirping]

[Telephone ringing]

HANK: Hello?
MARlE: Hi, can l speak to Bobby, please?

l'm sorry, you have the wrong number.

Who was it, Dad?

A girl asking for someone named Bobby.

Oh.

[Telephone ringing]

HANK: Hello?
MARlE: Hi, Does Bobby Hill live there?

Hold on a second.

Son, it's one of your friends
playing a prank.

BOBBY: Hey, Joseph.
MARlE: Bobby, it's Marie,

Oh. Hey!

MARlE: A bunch of us are going to hang out
at the mall, Wanna come?

l did have a prior engagement,
but l can always tape it.

[Marie laughing]

[Leaf blower running]

[Cheerful instrumental music]

[Electric drill whirring]

BOBBY: What are you going to get, Marie?
MARlE: l don't eat anything with a head.

l'm a vegetarian, Bobby.

-l don't eat meat.
-My dad says...

if God didn't want us to eat meat,
He wouldn't have invented steak sauce.

Your dad says that?

Once.

Did you know that the average person
consumes 500 chickens?

That's enough chickens
to feed a whole starving village.

But they shouldn't eat them.

Because that's bad.

-l'll have the chopped salad, please.
-And l'll have the BLT, please.

-That has bacon, Bobby.
-Bacon doesn't have a head on it.

Could you make that an LT, please?

Tonight was fun.
My friends think you're a riot.

l really was choking at the food court,
but don't tell them that.

There's a couch in the alley.

Sit down.

-You want to kiss?
-l'll try anything once.

l didn't think l'd like fruit pies,
but then l tried one...

and if your kiss is anything
like a fruit pie, l'm sure--

[Smooching]

All right. See you around.

[Grunting]

[Peggy humming]

Mom, Dad, did you see the sunrise
this morning?

lt was the same color
as my girlfriend Marie's hair.

[Peggy sighs]

Here's your coffee, sweetmeat.

[Bobby sniffing]

Reminds me of my girlfriend Marie.

She likes to drink her coffee black, too.

Looks like they'll finally
cut down the big oak tree...

in the middle of the ball park.