King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 2, Episode 17 - Hank's Dirty Laundry - full transcript
Hank fights to clear his good name after mistakenly being charged for not returning a dirty movie to the local video store.
[birds chirping]
[humming America the Beautiful]
[horn honking]
[laughing]
[sniffs]
Ah.
Hmm?
Ah!
No! No! No!
These are my personal,
private undergarments.
Now the whole neighborhood
knows I wear 'em.
Well, I am sorry, Hank.
The dryer broke again.
It's actually moistening
our clothes now.
Okay. Okay.
We'll buy a new dryer.
Just help me get
the rest of these down.
Ah!
Oh.
Let's buy this one.
It's like watching TV,
only the show
is about wet clothes.
Hi. You folks
have any questions?
Why, yes. I do. Heh-heh.
Could you tell me the difference
between an electric dryer
and a propane dryer?
Sure. A propane dryer
costs a little more--
Uh-uh, only at first.
When you factor in
the lifetime cost of ownership,
propane comes out on top.
Let me run through the numbers.
A family of 4 does 3 and a half
loads a week...
Hey. Hey.
Hello, Buckley!
Hey.
When did you get
promoted to greeter?
Yester-hey-day.
And if the current trend
in electric rates continues,
you'll be glad you did.
Here's my card, in case
you have any other questions.
Can we just take the Spinmore,
please?
Would you be interested in
applying for a Mega Lo card?
Huh, no, thanks.
The last thing I need
is another credit card.
I've already got one.
Peggy:
Hmm, hold on. No money down,
no interest for 6 months,
and 10 percent off
our first purchase.
10 percent off?
Well, Chuck Mangione
supports it,
and his diet shakes
did okay by me.
Hi, Luanne.
Hi, Bobby.
Hi, Buckley.
He's on break.
Where's Uncle Hank
and Aunt Peggy?
Oh, I thought I'd give
them some time alone
so they could, you know.
What?
You know.
Buy me a birthday present.
I mean, that's why
we're here, isn't it?
I don't think so.
Your birthday's
not till next month.
Think about it, Luanne.
Why would you bring a child to
a department store to buy a dryer
when his birthday is
3 and a half weeks away?
It just doesn't make sense.
They're watchin' me,
trying to get into my head,
see what I really
want in a present.
No, I'm pretty sure
we're just buyin' a dryer.
Okay, Luanne.
When mom and dad
get done "buyin' the dryer,"
tell them I'm over by the dirt bikes,
holdin' a Toblerone.
Hey.
[computer beeping]
Okay, Mr. Hill.
Your credit has been...
Rejected?
Huh, but why?
Well, the computer
doesn't say. I'm sorry. Next.
Hold on a minute.
You made a mistake. I have perfect credit.
I think I recognize a frowny
face when I see one.
Hank, why don't we
just pay with a check?
Sorry. We can't take checks
from people with bad credit.
[bicycle bell rings]
I'm havin' the time of my life,
and it's on sale!
HANK:
Thanks for trying, Melinda.
But I'm pretty sure
you can't just look up my credit
unless I send some kind of
permission letter to my credit bureau.
No, it's a piece of cake.
All you need is a $10 processing fee.
I'll just deduct
that from your paycheck.
Mr. Strickland!
I was just, uh...
Hank's got bad credit.
Well, there's
the rat hair in your tuna.
It seems like you're in the hole
$40 to Arlen Video.
What?
It says I owe $40,
and that can't be true.
I always bring back my tapes.
Look for yourself.
I've returned
The Great Santini 23 times.
Okay.
"Hank Hill, June 23."
Yeah, you rented and never
returned Cuffs and Collars.
I've never even heard of that.
Have you?
Uh-uh.
Unless it's got the name “Merchant Ivory"
or “Billy Crystal"
above the title, I am not interested.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
They're buying me a movie
for my birthday.
That's why we're here, right?
Really, Bobby,
they haven't said anything.
Bobby, you ever heard
of a movie called Cuffs and Collars?
Ooh, I think that's the one with
the 2 cops who don't get along,
but then they do,
but it's too late
'cause he's dead,
but not really.
So, you've seen it?
No.
How about you, Luanne?
Uh-uh.
“Oh, no, you're not
getting a movie, Bobby."
[laughing]
You are so smooth.
Nope, we didn't rent it.
So if you could please erase
the $40 and penalize yourself
whatever you think is fair,
we'll be on our way.
I am sorry, but the computer
won't let me erase anything
until you either return the tape
or pay the $40.
I told you,
I didn't rent the tape.
Now who's calling me a liar,
you or the machine?
‘Cause I want to know
whose ass to kick.
I'm not calling you a liar, sir.
Fine.
Now, where's
the ass on this thing?
I need a dryer, Hank.
Just pay for the tape!
Absolutely not.
I won't pay for
someone else's screw-up.
Hell, I wouldn't be
surprised if that tape
was sitting on the shelf right now!
Where would Cuffs and Collars be?
Action-adventure, Action-Comedy,
Action-Action?
Make a left.
Okay.
[screaming]
[panting]
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
How could they think
I'd rent a stag film, Peggy?
I'm married.
I think we should just pay.
No. I've got
to prove my innocence.
Now, wasn't June 23rd
the day I went to my dad's
and installed grab bars
in his shower?
Nope.
June 23rd, I played Boggle at Nancy's
and left you home...
Alone.
Peggy, you don't
think I actually rented--
Oh, Hank. I don't care
if you did or you didn't.
Well, you should care,
because I didn't.
Oh, really,
Hank, it doesn't matter.
It does matter.
It's important you believe me
when I say
I didn't rent the tape.
Honey, okay, I believe you.
Now, I just have one question.
Did you rent the tape?
No.
All right, then.
But whether you did or you didn't,
I still think we should just pay.
The last thing I want is for people
to be talking about this,
especially in front of Bobby.
[gasps]
Luanne, Luanne, it's even
better than I thought!
Mom and dad are throwing me
a surprise party!
[birds chirping]
so, Nancy tells me
she ran into John Redcorn
at the video store.
The two of them
heard you complainin'
about some porno tape you lost.
[laughing]
Yeah, man! Talk about
that dang old Cuffs and Collars, man.
Like when they come over
to clean that pool, man,
you start going like,
a-wakka, wakka-wakka, wakka-wakka.
Quit it.
I didn't rent that movie.
I'm glad. I'm glad
I'm not the only one
who is disgusted by pornography.
It's offensive.
It's demeaning.
It creates a standard
of idealized beauty
that your average man
can't compete with.
Don't worry, Bill. I'm not gonna let
my credit and good name
be done in by
a damn computer error.
Computers don't make errors.
What they do,
they do on purpose.
By now your name
and particulars
have been fed into
every laptop, desktop,
mainframe,
and supermarket scanner
that collectively make up the global
information conspiracy,
otherwise known as...
The Beast.
Dale, I'm having a problem
with one videotape,
not some kind of
high-tech bogeyman.
You just be careful.
Computers have already
beaten the Communists at chess.
Next thing you know,
they'll be beating humans.
[phone ringing]
Strickland Propane.
“Taste the meat, not the heat."
Hello, Hank?
Speaking.
How're you doing?
It's Matt.
Oh, hey, Matt.
How you been?
Pretty good.
Pretty good.
Uh-huh.
So, uh, how's, um, Peggy?
Ah, she's fine.
And how's, uh...
Do I know you?
Hank, if you liked Cuffs and Collars,
you'll love Rug Burn, too.
And by “Rug Burn, too,"
I mean “Rug Burn also."
Rug Burn 2 isn't very good.
What? But-- who is this?
You know, Matt,
from Consenting Adults.
The country's largest supplier
of mail-order adult entertainment.
So how many can I
put you down for?
Z- zero! God!
Please watch your mouth!
This is an interstate phone line.
How did you get this number?
Not important.
What is important is that
we have a bigger selection
and lower prices than Arlen Video.
What? Arlen Video told you
I rent pornography?
Uh, heh-heh.
Who plays the most hits?
Y104! Yeah, okay.
[laughing]
Crazy morning zoo.
[machine whirring]
[beeping]
BILL:
Shame on you, Hank Hill!
What you do in the privacy
of your own home
is disgustin' enough.
But to let it spill out into our streets
where my future children
will someday play?
Well, that is goin' too far.
Shame!
Shame!
I would like the luxury
of vomiting on myself right now,
but I don't have any clean
clothes to change into.
Would you just pay the bill
so I can get a new dryer?
It's too late.
The Beast's already got him in its jaws.
Your only way out is to start
life over with a new identity.
If you want,
I can get you the birth certificate
of a child who died in 1953.
It's hardly been used.
No, I am not a quitter.
Who's not a quitter?
My dead friend, Hank Hill,
or my new friend,
Rusty Shackleford?
[sighs]
Look, just help me get this
smut back to the post office.
Bobby! Do not get off the bus!
Look at all those cards and gifts.
This is gonna be
the best birthday ever.
Next!
Hank:
Uh, yes.
These magazines and, uh, equipment
were delivered to my home.
I want you to return to sender,
and take my name off
these mailing lists.
No, the post office can't
take you off the mailing lists.
You need to call the company
you bought your pornography from--
I don't buy pornography!
I don't want this.
Take it back.
If you want to file a complaint,
fill out this form.
we'll enter it in the computer--
No! No forms, no computers.
We were never here.
Don't feed The Beast.
Mr. Hank Hill,
you threw out your mail, son.
Don't you want to "prolong your
love-making pleasure
for just pennies a night"?
Mr. Hank--
Give me that!
Don't you people understand?
If I don't fight, someday it could be
your name on these plugs.
I'm doin' this for all of you!
Do you know this guy?
No dadgum way, man!
That's some dirty old man,
hanging around sex toys, man.
Back at my place
if you're interested.
Boomhauer, no!
I can do without Bill by my side.
He brings nothing
to this fight. But you?
You should have
seen this comin', Hank.
One by one, your friends
will desert you.
I'll be next.
[birds crying]
Now Dale,
this stuff about The Beast.
You made all that up, right?
Of course, you did.
Oh, no.
Everything has been foretold
in the book of revelations.
Uh, you just stepped
in a diaper.
[siren blaring]
Damn it, it's the vice squad!
They must've followed us.
Quick, Dale. Bury the...
Dale?
[panting]
Oh, sir, this is a municipal dump.
All garbage must...
Wait a minute.
This Superglide is oil-based.
That's a petroleum byproduct.
You can't throw that out here.
Same with the batteries
in your vibrator.
This is not my vi--
And it's not a...
It's a wand massager.
It says so right on the box.
All right.
Give me your license.
I'm gonna run you
through the computer.
The comp-- uh.
Heh, I--I don't have
my license on me at the moment,
uh, but I can tell you
that I was born in 1953.
As a child, I was quite ill.
[panting]
Ugh!
[screaming]
Surprise!
What?
I had no idea.
When did you plan this?
[giggling]
How was that, Luanne?
Let's try it again.
Whoo!
♪ I'm playing with the queen of hearts ♪
♪ You know she isn't very smart ♪
What the hell?
[car door slamming]
Peggy, thank god you're here!
Hello, I'm Hank Hill,
and I'd like you to sign my petition.
Hank Hill, I want you
to get in the car now,
before the whole town
sees you.
No!
I am not a quitter,
and I don't rent pornography.
I'm begging you,
Hank. Pay the $40.
We will buy a new dryer and you
can finally change your underwear.
Honey, it's the right thing to do.
Not until I prove my
innocence, once and for all.
That's why I'm taking Arlen Video
to small-claims court, Peggy.
I'm puttin'
the whole system on trial.
You have not heard a word
I've said.
What do I do
to get through to you?
Do I have to take off my shirt and
dance like the women in your movies?
I don't rent those movies!
Hank, if you want to keep up
your silly little battle,
then you go it alone.
I am sorry.
[crickets chirping]
[snoring]
[car approaching]
[car honking]
Oh, ah, um?
Oh, man! His trial is tomorrow,
and he's going in there
with nothing but 6 honks
and one signature.
And that's on his leg.
Darn taggers!
It's sad, really.
All he wanted was
for his clothes to be dry.
Yup.
Yup.
Oh, yeah.
[horn honking]
♪ Dream maker ♪
[tires squealing]
♪ No, no, no ♪
[laughing]
[doorbell ringing]
Mom, look what dad got me.
There's Cuffs and Collars, and
a whole bunch of other cop movies.
Jailbait, Hung Jury--
How dare you try
to expose my son to these,
uh, police tapes
that are so degrading to, uh,
law enforcement officials!
You never saw these.
Gotcha.
It's a surprise.
Don't worry,
I didn't read the card.
Uh!
Oh!
Hmm.
[sighs]
Okay.
[erotic music playing on TV]
MAN:
Hey, did somebody call a plumber?
WOMAN:
Come on in. I'll show you
where the leak is.
Ah, no, not, oh...
Oh, god!
WOMAN:
You want me to frisk you?
Ah, what kind of cop are you?
MAN:
A bad one.
[gasps]
Oh.
PEGGY:
Bobby! For the love of god!
Get out of the house!
BOBBY::
Okay.
My mom told us to stay away
for 3 hours.
My birthday party must be today.
Whoo!
Then I guess this haircut is free!
I'm still supposed to charge
you for the shampoo.
WOMAN:
Here, let me hold that.
MAN:
Thanks, officer.
Say, are you a mounted police?
Not yet.
“But a girl can dream.”
Wait a minute! That's it!
That's it!
[laughing]
Yeah, that's it!
[laughing]
[hammer tapping]
You are hereby ordered to pay
damages in the amount of $1.50
and return
the plaintiff's sunglasses.
Yeah!
[groaning]
JUDGE:
Next case.
Hank Hill versus Arlen Video.
Mr. Hill, you allege
that you have been
the target of
systematic harassment
at the hands of a major
international computer conspiracy,
known as The Beast.
That is correct, your honor.
Mr. Hill, why don't
you just pay the $40?
Because I did not rent the tape
and I can prove it!
It's pretty quiet.
And there are no cars.
I wonder where
the magician parked.
Surprise!
[yells]
Huh?
They must be in my bedroom.
Shh!
Surprise!
[squeals]
Cuffs and Collars.
The tape I never rented.
68 minutes into the film,
actress Didi Cupp
bends over to shoe her horse.
Now, if you pause the tape
and look closely,
you can just make out a tattoo on
Didi's left buttock that reads:
“I heart Charlie Sheen."
Mrs. Cupp also makes an
uncredited cameo in Jailbait.
A tape which marks
veteran porn star
Fernanda Valley's return
to the adult film industry
on the occasion
of her 18th birthday.
Now, at the 70-minute mark,
Didi bends over
to shoe a donkey.
What do we see on
her left buttock?
Nothing! There is no tattoo.
This can only mean that Jailbait
was made before Cuffs and Collars.
Now, why is this important?
Because Fernanda Valley
turned 18 on July 5th.
2 weeks after I supposedly rented
Cuffs and Collars.
[all gasping]
is it possible that I walked into
Arlen Video on June 23rd
and rented a movie
that didn't even exist?
I think not!
[all cheering]
[hammer tapping]
I rule in favor of the plaintiff.
Arlen Video is hereby ordered
to remove the debt from its computer.
[all cheering]
and let the record show
that Mr. Hank Hill
really knows his pornography.
Thank you, your honor.
Oh, you did it, Hank.
You won.
Oh, we can finally
put this nightmare behind us.
Oh, no.
This isn't over yet.
[beeping]
[gulps]
Approved!
The dryer's yours.
I can't believe they
forgot my birthday.
Oh, don't worry.
They've still got a whole
month to remember.
[all cheering]
[car horns honking]
You got me, Luanne!
You knew the whole time,
didn't you?
Yeah.
[laughing]
Yeah.
I don't believe it.
A dryer! It's perfect!
Yup.
BOBBY:
This is the best birthday ever!
[woman moaning]
BOOMHAUER:
Start going like,
wakka-wakka, wakka-wakka.
[humming America the Beautiful]
[horn honking]
[laughing]
[sniffs]
Ah.
Hmm?
Ah!
No! No! No!
These are my personal,
private undergarments.
Now the whole neighborhood
knows I wear 'em.
Well, I am sorry, Hank.
The dryer broke again.
It's actually moistening
our clothes now.
Okay. Okay.
We'll buy a new dryer.
Just help me get
the rest of these down.
Ah!
Oh.
Let's buy this one.
It's like watching TV,
only the show
is about wet clothes.
Hi. You folks
have any questions?
Why, yes. I do. Heh-heh.
Could you tell me the difference
between an electric dryer
and a propane dryer?
Sure. A propane dryer
costs a little more--
Uh-uh, only at first.
When you factor in
the lifetime cost of ownership,
propane comes out on top.
Let me run through the numbers.
A family of 4 does 3 and a half
loads a week...
Hey. Hey.
Hello, Buckley!
Hey.
When did you get
promoted to greeter?
Yester-hey-day.
And if the current trend
in electric rates continues,
you'll be glad you did.
Here's my card, in case
you have any other questions.
Can we just take the Spinmore,
please?
Would you be interested in
applying for a Mega Lo card?
Huh, no, thanks.
The last thing I need
is another credit card.
I've already got one.
Peggy:
Hmm, hold on. No money down,
no interest for 6 months,
and 10 percent off
our first purchase.
10 percent off?
Well, Chuck Mangione
supports it,
and his diet shakes
did okay by me.
Hi, Luanne.
Hi, Bobby.
Hi, Buckley.
He's on break.
Where's Uncle Hank
and Aunt Peggy?
Oh, I thought I'd give
them some time alone
so they could, you know.
What?
You know.
Buy me a birthday present.
I mean, that's why
we're here, isn't it?
I don't think so.
Your birthday's
not till next month.
Think about it, Luanne.
Why would you bring a child to
a department store to buy a dryer
when his birthday is
3 and a half weeks away?
It just doesn't make sense.
They're watchin' me,
trying to get into my head,
see what I really
want in a present.
No, I'm pretty sure
we're just buyin' a dryer.
Okay, Luanne.
When mom and dad
get done "buyin' the dryer,"
tell them I'm over by the dirt bikes,
holdin' a Toblerone.
Hey.
[computer beeping]
Okay, Mr. Hill.
Your credit has been...
Rejected?
Huh, but why?
Well, the computer
doesn't say. I'm sorry. Next.
Hold on a minute.
You made a mistake. I have perfect credit.
I think I recognize a frowny
face when I see one.
Hank, why don't we
just pay with a check?
Sorry. We can't take checks
from people with bad credit.
[bicycle bell rings]
I'm havin' the time of my life,
and it's on sale!
HANK:
Thanks for trying, Melinda.
But I'm pretty sure
you can't just look up my credit
unless I send some kind of
permission letter to my credit bureau.
No, it's a piece of cake.
All you need is a $10 processing fee.
I'll just deduct
that from your paycheck.
Mr. Strickland!
I was just, uh...
Hank's got bad credit.
Well, there's
the rat hair in your tuna.
It seems like you're in the hole
$40 to Arlen Video.
What?
It says I owe $40,
and that can't be true.
I always bring back my tapes.
Look for yourself.
I've returned
The Great Santini 23 times.
Okay.
"Hank Hill, June 23."
Yeah, you rented and never
returned Cuffs and Collars.
I've never even heard of that.
Have you?
Uh-uh.
Unless it's got the name “Merchant Ivory"
or “Billy Crystal"
above the title, I am not interested.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
They're buying me a movie
for my birthday.
That's why we're here, right?
Really, Bobby,
they haven't said anything.
Bobby, you ever heard
of a movie called Cuffs and Collars?
Ooh, I think that's the one with
the 2 cops who don't get along,
but then they do,
but it's too late
'cause he's dead,
but not really.
So, you've seen it?
No.
How about you, Luanne?
Uh-uh.
“Oh, no, you're not
getting a movie, Bobby."
[laughing]
You are so smooth.
Nope, we didn't rent it.
So if you could please erase
the $40 and penalize yourself
whatever you think is fair,
we'll be on our way.
I am sorry, but the computer
won't let me erase anything
until you either return the tape
or pay the $40.
I told you,
I didn't rent the tape.
Now who's calling me a liar,
you or the machine?
‘Cause I want to know
whose ass to kick.
I'm not calling you a liar, sir.
Fine.
Now, where's
the ass on this thing?
I need a dryer, Hank.
Just pay for the tape!
Absolutely not.
I won't pay for
someone else's screw-up.
Hell, I wouldn't be
surprised if that tape
was sitting on the shelf right now!
Where would Cuffs and Collars be?
Action-adventure, Action-Comedy,
Action-Action?
Make a left.
Okay.
[screaming]
[panting]
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
How could they think
I'd rent a stag film, Peggy?
I'm married.
I think we should just pay.
No. I've got
to prove my innocence.
Now, wasn't June 23rd
the day I went to my dad's
and installed grab bars
in his shower?
Nope.
June 23rd, I played Boggle at Nancy's
and left you home...
Alone.
Peggy, you don't
think I actually rented--
Oh, Hank. I don't care
if you did or you didn't.
Well, you should care,
because I didn't.
Oh, really,
Hank, it doesn't matter.
It does matter.
It's important you believe me
when I say
I didn't rent the tape.
Honey, okay, I believe you.
Now, I just have one question.
Did you rent the tape?
No.
All right, then.
But whether you did or you didn't,
I still think we should just pay.
The last thing I want is for people
to be talking about this,
especially in front of Bobby.
[gasps]
Luanne, Luanne, it's even
better than I thought!
Mom and dad are throwing me
a surprise party!
[birds chirping]
so, Nancy tells me
she ran into John Redcorn
at the video store.
The two of them
heard you complainin'
about some porno tape you lost.
[laughing]
Yeah, man! Talk about
that dang old Cuffs and Collars, man.
Like when they come over
to clean that pool, man,
you start going like,
a-wakka, wakka-wakka, wakka-wakka.
Quit it.
I didn't rent that movie.
I'm glad. I'm glad
I'm not the only one
who is disgusted by pornography.
It's offensive.
It's demeaning.
It creates a standard
of idealized beauty
that your average man
can't compete with.
Don't worry, Bill. I'm not gonna let
my credit and good name
be done in by
a damn computer error.
Computers don't make errors.
What they do,
they do on purpose.
By now your name
and particulars
have been fed into
every laptop, desktop,
mainframe,
and supermarket scanner
that collectively make up the global
information conspiracy,
otherwise known as...
The Beast.
Dale, I'm having a problem
with one videotape,
not some kind of
high-tech bogeyman.
You just be careful.
Computers have already
beaten the Communists at chess.
Next thing you know,
they'll be beating humans.
[phone ringing]
Strickland Propane.
“Taste the meat, not the heat."
Hello, Hank?
Speaking.
How're you doing?
It's Matt.
Oh, hey, Matt.
How you been?
Pretty good.
Pretty good.
Uh-huh.
So, uh, how's, um, Peggy?
Ah, she's fine.
And how's, uh...
Do I know you?
Hank, if you liked Cuffs and Collars,
you'll love Rug Burn, too.
And by “Rug Burn, too,"
I mean “Rug Burn also."
Rug Burn 2 isn't very good.
What? But-- who is this?
You know, Matt,
from Consenting Adults.
The country's largest supplier
of mail-order adult entertainment.
So how many can I
put you down for?
Z- zero! God!
Please watch your mouth!
This is an interstate phone line.
How did you get this number?
Not important.
What is important is that
we have a bigger selection
and lower prices than Arlen Video.
What? Arlen Video told you
I rent pornography?
Uh, heh-heh.
Who plays the most hits?
Y104! Yeah, okay.
[laughing]
Crazy morning zoo.
[machine whirring]
[beeping]
BILL:
Shame on you, Hank Hill!
What you do in the privacy
of your own home
is disgustin' enough.
But to let it spill out into our streets
where my future children
will someday play?
Well, that is goin' too far.
Shame!
Shame!
I would like the luxury
of vomiting on myself right now,
but I don't have any clean
clothes to change into.
Would you just pay the bill
so I can get a new dryer?
It's too late.
The Beast's already got him in its jaws.
Your only way out is to start
life over with a new identity.
If you want,
I can get you the birth certificate
of a child who died in 1953.
It's hardly been used.
No, I am not a quitter.
Who's not a quitter?
My dead friend, Hank Hill,
or my new friend,
Rusty Shackleford?
[sighs]
Look, just help me get this
smut back to the post office.
Bobby! Do not get off the bus!
Look at all those cards and gifts.
This is gonna be
the best birthday ever.
Next!
Hank:
Uh, yes.
These magazines and, uh, equipment
were delivered to my home.
I want you to return to sender,
and take my name off
these mailing lists.
No, the post office can't
take you off the mailing lists.
You need to call the company
you bought your pornography from--
I don't buy pornography!
I don't want this.
Take it back.
If you want to file a complaint,
fill out this form.
we'll enter it in the computer--
No! No forms, no computers.
We were never here.
Don't feed The Beast.
Mr. Hank Hill,
you threw out your mail, son.
Don't you want to "prolong your
love-making pleasure
for just pennies a night"?
Mr. Hank--
Give me that!
Don't you people understand?
If I don't fight, someday it could be
your name on these plugs.
I'm doin' this for all of you!
Do you know this guy?
No dadgum way, man!
That's some dirty old man,
hanging around sex toys, man.
Back at my place
if you're interested.
Boomhauer, no!
I can do without Bill by my side.
He brings nothing
to this fight. But you?
You should have
seen this comin', Hank.
One by one, your friends
will desert you.
I'll be next.
[birds crying]
Now Dale,
this stuff about The Beast.
You made all that up, right?
Of course, you did.
Oh, no.
Everything has been foretold
in the book of revelations.
Uh, you just stepped
in a diaper.
[siren blaring]
Damn it, it's the vice squad!
They must've followed us.
Quick, Dale. Bury the...
Dale?
[panting]
Oh, sir, this is a municipal dump.
All garbage must...
Wait a minute.
This Superglide is oil-based.
That's a petroleum byproduct.
You can't throw that out here.
Same with the batteries
in your vibrator.
This is not my vi--
And it's not a...
It's a wand massager.
It says so right on the box.
All right.
Give me your license.
I'm gonna run you
through the computer.
The comp-- uh.
Heh, I--I don't have
my license on me at the moment,
uh, but I can tell you
that I was born in 1953.
As a child, I was quite ill.
[panting]
Ugh!
[screaming]
Surprise!
What?
I had no idea.
When did you plan this?
[giggling]
How was that, Luanne?
Let's try it again.
Whoo!
♪ I'm playing with the queen of hearts ♪
♪ You know she isn't very smart ♪
What the hell?
[car door slamming]
Peggy, thank god you're here!
Hello, I'm Hank Hill,
and I'd like you to sign my petition.
Hank Hill, I want you
to get in the car now,
before the whole town
sees you.
No!
I am not a quitter,
and I don't rent pornography.
I'm begging you,
Hank. Pay the $40.
We will buy a new dryer and you
can finally change your underwear.
Honey, it's the right thing to do.
Not until I prove my
innocence, once and for all.
That's why I'm taking Arlen Video
to small-claims court, Peggy.
I'm puttin'
the whole system on trial.
You have not heard a word
I've said.
What do I do
to get through to you?
Do I have to take off my shirt and
dance like the women in your movies?
I don't rent those movies!
Hank, if you want to keep up
your silly little battle,
then you go it alone.
I am sorry.
[crickets chirping]
[snoring]
[car approaching]
[car honking]
Oh, ah, um?
Oh, man! His trial is tomorrow,
and he's going in there
with nothing but 6 honks
and one signature.
And that's on his leg.
Darn taggers!
It's sad, really.
All he wanted was
for his clothes to be dry.
Yup.
Yup.
Oh, yeah.
[horn honking]
♪ Dream maker ♪
[tires squealing]
♪ No, no, no ♪
[laughing]
[doorbell ringing]
Mom, look what dad got me.
There's Cuffs and Collars, and
a whole bunch of other cop movies.
Jailbait, Hung Jury--
How dare you try
to expose my son to these,
uh, police tapes
that are so degrading to, uh,
law enforcement officials!
You never saw these.
Gotcha.
It's a surprise.
Don't worry,
I didn't read the card.
Uh!
Oh!
Hmm.
[sighs]
Okay.
[erotic music playing on TV]
MAN:
Hey, did somebody call a plumber?
WOMAN:
Come on in. I'll show you
where the leak is.
Ah, no, not, oh...
Oh, god!
WOMAN:
You want me to frisk you?
Ah, what kind of cop are you?
MAN:
A bad one.
[gasps]
Oh.
PEGGY:
Bobby! For the love of god!
Get out of the house!
BOBBY::
Okay.
My mom told us to stay away
for 3 hours.
My birthday party must be today.
Whoo!
Then I guess this haircut is free!
I'm still supposed to charge
you for the shampoo.
WOMAN:
Here, let me hold that.
MAN:
Thanks, officer.
Say, are you a mounted police?
Not yet.
“But a girl can dream.”
Wait a minute! That's it!
That's it!
[laughing]
Yeah, that's it!
[laughing]
[hammer tapping]
You are hereby ordered to pay
damages in the amount of $1.50
and return
the plaintiff's sunglasses.
Yeah!
[groaning]
JUDGE:
Next case.
Hank Hill versus Arlen Video.
Mr. Hill, you allege
that you have been
the target of
systematic harassment
at the hands of a major
international computer conspiracy,
known as The Beast.
That is correct, your honor.
Mr. Hill, why don't
you just pay the $40?
Because I did not rent the tape
and I can prove it!
It's pretty quiet.
And there are no cars.
I wonder where
the magician parked.
Surprise!
[yells]
Huh?
They must be in my bedroom.
Shh!
Surprise!
[squeals]
Cuffs and Collars.
The tape I never rented.
68 minutes into the film,
actress Didi Cupp
bends over to shoe her horse.
Now, if you pause the tape
and look closely,
you can just make out a tattoo on
Didi's left buttock that reads:
“I heart Charlie Sheen."
Mrs. Cupp also makes an
uncredited cameo in Jailbait.
A tape which marks
veteran porn star
Fernanda Valley's return
to the adult film industry
on the occasion
of her 18th birthday.
Now, at the 70-minute mark,
Didi bends over
to shoe a donkey.
What do we see on
her left buttock?
Nothing! There is no tattoo.
This can only mean that Jailbait
was made before Cuffs and Collars.
Now, why is this important?
Because Fernanda Valley
turned 18 on July 5th.
2 weeks after I supposedly rented
Cuffs and Collars.
[all gasping]
is it possible that I walked into
Arlen Video on June 23rd
and rented a movie
that didn't even exist?
I think not!
[all cheering]
[hammer tapping]
I rule in favor of the plaintiff.
Arlen Video is hereby ordered
to remove the debt from its computer.
[all cheering]
and let the record show
that Mr. Hank Hill
really knows his pornography.
Thank you, your honor.
Oh, you did it, Hank.
You won.
Oh, we can finally
put this nightmare behind us.
Oh, no.
This isn't over yet.
[beeping]
[gulps]
Approved!
The dryer's yours.
I can't believe they
forgot my birthday.
Oh, don't worry.
They've still got a whole
month to remember.
[all cheering]
[car horns honking]
You got me, Luanne!
You knew the whole time,
didn't you?
Yeah.
[laughing]
Yeah.
I don't believe it.
A dryer! It's perfect!
Yup.
BOBBY:
This is the best birthday ever!
[woman moaning]
BOOMHAUER:
Start going like,
wakka-wakka, wakka-wakka.