King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 2, Episode 18 - The Final Shinsult - full transcript

[theme music]

Good morning, class.

I will be subbing for Mrs. Dorland…

who is at home recuperating
from the Hanta virus.

[sighs]

What's the Hanta virus?

Well, Clark, it's a flu-like disease,

usually contracted
from rodent droppings.

Ok! All right, then.

Now, in preparation for our field trip,

your classmates are going to act out



a little-known episode
of Mexican-American history.

The year is 1847.

I am General Santa Anna.

I led the Mexican army
at the Alamo,

where we defeated Texas.

[students booing]

We are at the Battle
of Cerro Gordo,

11 years later,
and we are hungry.

Sir, I will hold your artificial leg
while you eat chicken.

[grunts]

Attack.

Look out!

It's the Illinois
Volunteer Infantry.

Hop on, General!



[grunts]

I stole your fake leg.

[students cheering]

Ah, well, that was beautiful!
That was just inspired!

The General's artificial leg
has been on display…

in an Illinois museum
for over a century.

But this year,

America decided to return it to Mexico.

Even as we speak…

Santa Anna's real fake leg…

is making its way
from museum to museum,

on its journey home.

I guess, you could say

the Arlen Museum
is the "last leg" of the tour.

[laughing]

Oh, oh, Peggy.

Yeah, see, that was--
That was 1976.

In 1977,
I did wear shoes.

[tires skidding]

Boy, that car's goin' fast!

Doesn't he know
men drink in this alley?

That looks like your dad's
cadillac car, Hank.

Yeah, man, that looks like dang
ol'-- better hit the dirt, man!

[gasping]

[tires screeching]

[sighing]

Thanks, fatty.
Don't mind if I do!

Jeez, Dad, you almost
dented the cooler!

Where's Didi?

I thought with your eyesight,
she was doin' all the drivin'.

Well, we had another fight.
I threw her out.

Didi, woman, my toes are cold.
Knit me a blanket!

I don't have time, honey.
I'm late for work.

[laughing]

That's a good one, babycakes.

Now, get your knittin' sticks.

You're gonna have to wear
your socks, Colonel.

Yeah, so I put her
on the street.

Good for you, sir.

I admire the speed with which
you dispatched the insubordinate.

Shut your clam hole, Gribble.

So, I guess you're here

to cool off for a few days

till you two can patch things up?

No, this one's for good.

I'm here to renew
my driver's license.

Got the eye chart memorized
down at the Arlen DMV.

They ain't changed it
since World War II.

Uh, that's the big one, fatty.

Uh, dad, about you drivin’,

I'm not sure it's such a good idea.

Excuse me, Hank,

I think a man who gave his shins

to win the Second World War

has earned the right
to drive an automobile.

[birds chirping]

Hank, Bobby and me are gonna
rent an RV this summer…

and drive around the country.

We'll do 50 states in 50 days!

You know, Cotton, you can travel

anywhere in the world, in books.

[grunts]

Ah, Dad, you don't want
to be drivin'

on a crowded highway
in the summertime.

I don't know.

There's nothing like
the feel of the open road.

Oh, you know,
Grandpa Hill, with an RV

You can put it on cruise control…

and then go in the back and watch TV.

[sighs]

Luanne, please!

Dad, with all due respect,

I don't think you should
be drivin' anymore.

Don't you tell me what to do!

You ain't my daddy!
I'm your daddy!

I won the war!
I can drive a car!

Even your idiot friend,
Gribble, knows that!

Oh, Dad, Dale's
just kissin' up to you.

And so should you, boy!

Uh, Hank, that reminds me.

Uh, we need some chaperones
for Bobby's class trip.

What kind of trip
you takin' Bobby? Vegas?

There's a General Santa Anna
exhibit at the museum.

We did a play
about him in school,

and I was one of his privates.

Yeah, yeah, I know
all about Santie Annie.

we got his walkin' log
under glass in Illinois,

I'm glad to say.

Actually, Cotton, the leg
is coming through Arlen.

America is finally returning
the leg to Mexico.

What? God!

Uh, take it easy, Dad.

Take it easy.

You see, Bobby,

your daddy's gene'ation's
givin' away

everythin' we fought for.

Panama canal, Mexican legs.

You people'd give back
Gandhi's diapers

if you had 'em.

[sighs]

Would you look at that line?
We'll be here all day!

Oh, for god--

Hank, I gutted a man,
he whined less than you.

Why don't you guys get started?

I'll be there in a minute.

All right, clerkie.

Now, take down the first letter
of every word I say.

“Some

"day,

Governor Reagan
will run for president."

I pass. Give me the license.

Wow! I've never seen anyone
miss every single letter.

Y-you fail.

What? Look at it again!

"some day." that's “S,” “D,”

as in "stupid dummy."
That's you! Tell him, Hank!

This is an outrage!

We are very dissatisfied customers.

C'mon dad, let's go.

[Cotton growling]

So, you had the clerk
switch the eye chart.

That's a good plan, if...

You silence the clerk.

Well, it was one of
the toughest things

I ever had to do,
I tell you what.

But my dad's getting close
to the end zone now.

I gotta start calling some of his plays.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

My dad can't even load
his own hunting rifle anymore.

I mean, I gotta put it in his hands,

practically pull
the dang trigger for him.

Sad, very sad.

The DMV changed the damn
chart on me, that's what they did.

Tell you what, man!
That dang ol' DMV, man take my picture

that ol' hair hooter that day, man.

4 dang ol' years ago,

looking like Cokie Roberts, man.

There are ways to get around
the license problem, sir.

Dale, this doesn't concern you.

For example,
put a sail on your car,

call it a boat.

Hear that, Hank?
Gribble's got a clever idea.

Go get me a sail!

It's a stupid idea, Dad.

Well, excuse me, Hank,

I guess I'm not
as clever as you are.

I mean, I could never
think of a clever idea

like switching the eye chart,

so your dad would fail that test.

Jeez!

Dang it, Dale!

Ah!

Looks like we got ourselves
a Benedict Arlen!

What do you got to say
for yourself, boy?

L-look, Dad,
I did change that chart.

I did it because I care about you.

You should not be drivin’.

But he's a war hero, Hank.
A world war hero!

You should let him
do whatever he wants.

Shut up, Dale!
I know what's best for my dad.

If you knew what's best for me,

you'd have drowned yourself
2 days after you was born!

Goodbye, Hank.
I'm leaving!

[tires squealing]

[brakes screeching]

Gribble, good news!

I'm stayin' with you from now on!

You hear that, Hank?

Daddy's stayin' with me.

[whirring]

Did you sleep okay, Mr. Hill?

Yup, yup, just fine.

DALE:
See, nancy?

And you wanted to
give away Joseph's crib.

There you go, sir.

One perfectly forged
driver's license.

Good until the year 3000.

Good boy!
Here's a dollar.

Hmm!

Oh, hey, Dad?

I need you to sign
my permission slip

for that Santa Anna exhibit.

Joseph, you know
I do not sign any document

issued by
a government institution.

[knocking on door]

Hey, Hank.

[car horn honking]
Come on, Joseph, our ride's here.

[music playing]

Hey, Tokyo Rose!
How does your garden grow?

Don't start with me, Dale.

All right, Dad,
you made your point.

Now, come on back,
and we'll talk about this.

I got a whole box
of Mega Lo plates you can break.

I'd rather break Gribble's plates,
thank you very much.

No, thank you very much, sir.

I'm done.

I'm goin' down to the drugstore
to pick up my shin salve.

All right, well,
let me drive you and--

I don't need you.

Gribble made me a license.

[honking]

I've never seen a meter maid
take so long to write a ticket.

All right, sir.

Please step out of the vehicle.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

You wanna frisk me, Cagney?

Go ahead,
and then I can do you.

And when I asked
for his license,

He gave me this.

Yeah, I know it's expired.

I'm real sorry about that.
He shouldn't be drivin'.

Expired? It's not even real.

Made out of the back
of a cereal box.

Well, you're lucky.

In the most severe cases
of senile dementia,

they can't remember
their sons' names.

What? He's not senile.
My dad's just a character.

You know, like a cowboy.

[police siren blaring]

Dad, knock it off.
Come on!

All right, General Mills.

Now, I'm letting your son
take care o' you.

You have to promise
to be a good boy.

Do you recognize your son?

Yeah. He's Benedict Arlen.

The point is, Dad,
you've got to calm down.

You're lucky you're not in jail.

Don't you take that tone with me!

I was out buying shin jelly.

You show some respect!

Oh, okay, okay, let's talk about
it over dinner, what do you say?

Go get your bags
and we'll head on home.

Oh, sure, I'll be right there.

[clicking]

Oh!

[clicking]

[glass squeaks]

[both laughing]

[groans]

[tires screeching]

[guffawing]

Uh, hey, Didi.

Hank.

Listen, I'm here to ask you
for a big favor.

You and my dad
gotta patch things up

quicker than usual this time.

I'm having trouble
keeping him under control.

Oh, there's no patching
things up this time, Hank.

The passion is gone.

Didi:
There was magic between us
when we first met.

Yeah, I come in here
once a year

to get my shins drained.

I don't take no anesthetic.

Did Lincoln ask for girlie-gas
when they blowed his head off?

Magazines? Candy?
Fruit roll-ups?

Oh, look at you!

Aren't you the cutest
little helpless thing?

Oh, you're like
a little baby in that gown.

Ooh, coochie, coochie, coo!

Oops!

[Jazz music on record player]
♪ Don't sit under the apple tree ♪

Oh, sweet lord!

Cling peaches in heavy syrup!

DIDI:
It was like Romeo and...

Um, Juliet.

But now the magic's gone.

Cotton said my bottom
was too small.

Do you think it's too small?

Ahhh!

No. Put that away!

It's--it's fine.
It's very, uh, big.

Look, Hank. Isotoner makes
sundresses now.

Uh-oh!

She is not gonna
take him back, is she?

Nope. I'm gonna have
to watch him like a hawk.

Uh, cigar, Hank?

No, thanks.

Good, 'cause,
they all been smoked.

[both laughing]

Yeah, you got me
on that one. Heh-heh.

[sighs]

Anyway, the reason I'm here is
to ask you to be a chaperone

on Bobby's
museum trip tomorrow.

I'm gonna be one.

Daddy can't go.
He's taking me bumper bowling.

Will you stop
calling him "daddy"!

Come on, Dad.
You'd really be helping us out.

Well, I've been helping you
out of jams your whole life,

might as well keep
the streak alive. I'll do it!

We'll do it.

And then you killed
the German Corporal?

This is World War II, Connie-girl.

He was a Nazi.

Yeah, I severed his windpipe

with a 2-foot strand of dental floss
I kept in my boot.

And that's why it's always important

to carry dental floss.

[all laughing]

Okay, Tom Landry Middle School.

Next stop is the featured exhibit,

General Santie Annie's
artificial leg.

[Peggy exclaiming]

what a beautiful prosthetic!

Those t-shirts do not do it justice.

After its brief stay here,

General Santie Annie's
leg will be returned

to its rightful owner, Mexico.

Rightful? Finders keepers!

Dad, now, take it easy.

Relax.

Along with the leg,

Mexico will receive a check

for the original cost of the leg.

$1,300 U.S., and a letter of apology

signed by our commander in chief.

Aw, that draft dodger!
He can't do that!

The Japanese blew my shins off!

When am I gonna
get them back?

Hank, chaperone,
chaperone your father.

Dad, I'm not gonna
tell you again. Zip it!

Let's settle, people, ok.

Curator:
All right. Stop the bus!

It's been stolen!

One of these hoodlums
stole Santie Annie's leg.

Oh! All right, kids.
Listen up.

I'm gonna close my eyes,
and when I open them,

I wanna see that leg!
You understand?

[gasping]

[groaning]

[grunts]

[tires screeching]

All right, Dad. I'm fed up.
Now, where is the leg?

Well, I don't know
if I can speak to that!

I was told to "zip it!"

the whole country of Mexico

is expecting to get
their leg back on Saturday.

Delightful!

That leg means a lot to them,

and my driver's license
means a lot to me.

What does the leg have to do
with your driver's license?

Use your head, boy!

The Mexicans have diplomats.
They'll pull some strings,

get me my license,
then I'll give them back their leg.

Dad, the police
are gonna come after you.

That's my offer,
take it back to your people.

Ah!

[laughing]

They never look
in the most obvious place.

Colonel, shall we retire
to the "leg" room?

[door creaking]

[laughs]

Maybe that policewoman
was right.

I've never seen dad like this before.

He's not his crazy old self anymore.

He's acting, uh, crazy!

Well, stick a pin in me,
I'm dreaming.

I have been saying that to you
for 22 years!

Aunt Peg, Uncle Hank,
I just heard on the news.

There's a Santa Claus exhibit
at the museum

and someone stole his leg!

Oh!

Colonel, I just want to say
it's been an honor

fighting with you
against Hank and his forces.

You can rest assured,
I am with you all the way.

You got any of them
little goldfish crackers?

[doorbell ringing]

[gasps]

He did it!
He took the leg!

It was his idea!
You can have it back!

Oh, no, it's gone!

Where'd you put it,
you shinless old freak?

What did you...

You're a worse traitor than Hank.

I know how to deal with traitors.

[screaming]

Sir, you're gonna want
to give me that leg right now,

before you get in
any more trouble.

I need that leg for leverage

in my negotiations
with the Mexican government!

They took my shins

and put them on display
in the Emperor's pagoda!

That's the thanks I get
for flossing them Nazis?

You tell the meter maid,
I want my car back!

I can drive myself.
They just changed the chart!

“Some day Governor Reagan
will run for president!"

[Cotton screaming]

PSYCHIATRIST:
And we felt the psychological evaluation

had come to an end after he claimed

Doctor Miyoshi's stethoscope
as a war trophy.

Well, what are you gonna do?

Just keep him here forever?

Well, that's up to you.

It's my opinion that
he requires supervision.

Either he stays here,

or you and your wife need
to watch him 24 hours a day.

Hmm.

[Announcer on PA]

Hey, Dad!
How do you like it here?

Find someplace
else to stand, fatty!

Oh, see, you know his name.
He's already made a friend.

See, he knows his name.

Look, Peggy, board games!

Oh!

Checkers. I love checkers.

Dominoes. Chutes and ladders.

[giggling]
Chutes and ladders.

Why, if I didn't have to work
every day, I'd come here.

[snorting]

Uh, Dad, I know a lot
has happened

in the last day or so,

but I need to know
where that leg is.

If I give the leg back,
can I get out of here?

We'll see. It's not up to me.

[laughs]

All right. It's in Gribble's golf bag.

I drew a "1" on it,
and signed it “Lee Trevino."

All right, then.
Dale's golf bag.

Take it easy, Dad.

Uh, don't forget
about your old man.

You'll come back
for me, right, boy?

[chuckling]

Well, it's not so bad
in there, really.

Oh, Peggy, come on.
That was awful.

My father hates it in there.

[sighs]

But it's not like I can
watch him 24 hours a day.

Oh, no, you cannot.

Just wouldn't be fair
to you, or me, or Bobby.

Maybe we're being
too picky about this VA .

You know, Consumer Reports
gave it a “B”-minus.

Well, that's above average.

Hank, how are you
gonna break it to him?

[sighs]

So, uh...

Am I gonna live
with you and Hank's wife?

[sighs]

No.

But I told you
where the leg was!

I know, and I gave it
to the police.

Look, Dad, I can't take care
of you all day long,

and you wouldn't
really want it that way.

So, there's only
one other option.

Didi! What's she
doing here?

I told you
it was over, woman!

I told him the same thing.

But he said I have to sign
something to get the Cadillac car.

♪ Don't sit under the apple tree ♪

Oh!

♪ With anyone else but me ♪

They've got you
in a baby gown.

Oh, look at the baby!

[giggling]

Oh, stop! Stop!

[clearing throat]

I'll get those.

COTTON:
Oh, honey, I'm sorry

I said your butt was too small.

If anything, it's too big!

But I likes you for who you is.

Come on, little baby boy,
I'll drive you home.

That is retired
Captain Barissimo de Fino.

When he straps on
Santa Anna's leg,

and walks it
from our flag to his,

it will be officially returned
to the Mexican peoples.

[snapping]

[all gasp]

well, the important thing is
they got it back.

Hey, wait a minute!

That's the leg I made
for the play.

Ooh!

Here you are, señor.
One driver's license.

Thank you!
And here you are.

One Santie Annie's leg.

MALE ANNOUNCER:
The story you've just seen
is based on a true event.

At the battle
of Cerro Gordo in 1847,

the Illinois volunteer infantry
captured the artificial leg

of Mexican General Antonio
Lopez de Santa Anna,

while the General and his men
feasted on a lunch of roasted chicken.

Unfortunately, Santa Anna's leg

still resides in an Illinois museum.

If you would like
to join the movement

to help return
the leg to the Mexican people,

write Illinois senator
Richard J. Durbin.

Thank you, and good night.

COTTON:
That's a good one, babycakes!