King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 2, Episode 16 - Traffic Jam - full transcript

[theme music]

[birds chirping]

Oh, Hank, you have got to
drive me to school today.

I cannot stop grading.

[mumbling]

These are not
spelling tests, Hank.

They are “What I did on my
winter break" essays.

And I cannot waste
a single grading minute here.

I am known for my
one-day turnaround.

All right,
but we got to hurry.

Paint 'n' paper is havin'



their "8:00 a.m. Madness sale."

Okay, trip to Dallas: “B,”
trip to Waco: “B,”

trip to New York City: “C."

[gasps]

What the hell?

Arlen: “A.”

Ah! My neck is broken.

I sue you for everything you have!

Aw, it's Hank Hill.
What's the point?

I have everything
you have, but better.

Kahn, on this side of the Earth,

we back out to the right.

Yeah, yeah, just my luck.

I run into uninsured redneck.



Not only am I insured,

I happen to be a member
of the perfect payment club.

[screaming]
My neck is broken!

WOMAN:
Did you have anything to drink

this morning, Mr. Hill?

No.

Did you use a mouthwash
or cough syrup?

No.

Did you eat an unusual amount
of sausage?

Look, am I covered or not?

Yes, you're covered,
minus the deductible,

and, of course,
your insurance rates will go up.

Why should my rates go up,
miss Kailiki Alihi?

Well, it's going to cost us
money to fix your truck.

What kind of insurance is that?

Why don't I just take out a loan,

fix my truck,
and avoid the middleman?

You can't drive
without proof of insurance.

However, you can
avoid the rate increase

if you go to traffic school.

“Singles' Traffic School,"
“Smokers' Traffic School,"

“Vegetarian Traffic School."

It's like no matter
what problem you have,

they have a traffic school
for it.

Hey, “Ice Cream Lovers'
Traffic School."

I can help you
with your homework.

No, no, I don't need
any fancy frills or nonsense.

Here we go, right to the point.

“Def-Ensive Driving School."

Just hope they know
more about drivin'

than they do about spellin'.

[people murmuring]

Hey, what're you
doing here, Hank Hill?

Hillbilly Traffic School all full up?

Cut the comedy, Kahn.

It was your reckless disregard
of backin'-out procedure

that put us here.

I wanna see you takin' notes.

[rapping]
♪ Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo! ♪

♪ Booda Sack in the house! ♪

♪ Booda Sack in the house!
Booda Sack in the house! ♪

[laughing]

And I want to welcome you all
to Def-Ensive Traffic School.

That's right!
Def-ensive Traffic School.

I'm Def,
and ya'll be 'fensive.

[crowd laughing]

Booda Sack, you crazy!

Kidd Mookie. Yo, check it out!

Look at all the white people
we got up here

in traffic school tonight.

And they say only black people
break the laws!

[howls]

but that's not true.

Shut up.
Booda Sack on a roll!

Check out girlfriend!

Got a booty so big,
if you put numbers on it,

She could press license plates!

Check it out, Booda!

Hey, baby, baby, ba-ay-by!

Now, after class,

You and I got to do a little detention!

Uou know what I'm sayin'?
Know what I'm saying? What I'm sayin'?

This has nothin' to do
with defensive driving.

Excuse me, sir,

I don't mean to criticize
your lesson plan,

but do you have a lesson plan?

What'd you say?
What'd you say?

You trying to say a black man
can't put together a lesson plan?

Well, I got a lesson plan.
I ain't plannin' on teachin'

Less 'n' you shut up!

Well, hold on now.
I didn't mean to be--

Cracker, are you taking me serious?

[hollering]

Gotcha!

Cracker!

Look, learnin' good drivin' skills

is no laughin' matter.

Go, cracker! Go, cracker!

ALL:
Go, cracker! Go, cracker! Go, cracker!

Booda Sack? The Booda Sack?

I saw him on TV 3 years ago

on Breakfast at the Apollo.

he was makin' fun of white people,

like how we talk funny
and we don't have any butts.

He's one of the reasons
I want to be a comedian.

Look, there's somethin'
we haven't told you, Bobby,

but maybe now's the time.

You see, show business
is inherently evil.

Hank, we agreed
not to have this discussion

until Bobby is 15 years old.

I know, but it's time
for some tough love.

Bobby, comedians
are show-offs.

Sure, they get
beautiful women

and drive fast trucks,
but eventually--

They have fast trucks?

You're missin' the point, son.

Comedy is not
a stable career.

I'm gonna take you to that traffic
class tonight so you can see

the lonely, pathetic future
comedy has to offer.

You mean it?
I get to meet Booda Sack?

What am I gonna wear?

[sighs]

You know, 'cause white people
would be drivin' like this,

all bent up over
the steering wheel, goin’:

“Oh, dear! I think we've missed our exit.”

See what I mean,
Bobby? It's just sad.

Yeah, white people just like that!

Only one thing worse
than white people drivin',

and that's DWO,

Driving While Oriental!

Ooh! Cheap shot!

You the man, Booda Sack!

Uh-huh, you know
what I'm sayin'?

Bobby, he'll see you.

Hey, Opie Taylor,

get your butt up here on stage!

Uh-huh.

Poppin' fresh!

Now, see here, Mr., uh, Sack,

that's my boy, and--

Hey, it's all good, baby.
It's all good.

I was just playin'
with my man here.

Now, now, now,
what's your name, young brother?

Ahem, Bobby Hill.

Bouncin' Bobby Hill!
Now, tell me, Bobby,

does your old man
drink a lot of beer?

Oh, yeah.

[crowd laughing]

Now, now, now,
don't lie now, Bobby.

Does he just stand
around all day

drinkin' beer with all his
other white friends, goin’:

“Yeah"?

No, they go, “Yep.”

[crowd laughing]

Sit down, son.

They're not laughin' with you,

they're laughin' at me.

Now, little blood, tell me
why you're in the house.

Did you get a ticket
for rubbing your butt too hard

on your banana seat?

My dad brought me here.

He wanted to show me
how sad and lonesome you are,

underneath.

You right.

You right.

Booda Sack is a sad man.

But not as sad as
your daddy's sorry self

with his 4 eyes, 2-minute pies,

super-size, Cracker-Jack prize.

Somebody help me, come on!

And he likes French fries.

[crowd roaring]

Ladies and gentlemen,

this kid is goin' to be
the white Rerun.

[groans]

The white rerun.
We got him right here!

Hey, Hank, how's driver's ed?

[Bill laughs]

I only ask 'cause I'm concerned.

[sighs]

I still have one more
class 'til I'm through.

Everyone knows you
back out to the right.

Yeah.
Don't take a brain surgeon.

Common knowledge.

13 years, Dave Hanson
lived in that house.

Never once did
he back into me.

Yeah, of course,
he was a 500-pound shut-in.

Mmm-hmm, shame
he had to move.

They replaced that wall
pretty nice, though.

BILL:
That looks all right.

Matched the paint
and everythin'.

Yo, yo, yo! Bobby Hill
is in the house, uh-huh!

What the--

Would you look at
all the white people

standing around.
Ain't got no butts.

Y’all the no-butt-havingest
people, uh-huh.

BILL:
No butts!

You know, white people
always be walkin' around like this.

Like they be crushin' diamonds
in there or somethin'.

Look at me, I'm white.

[laughing]

Y’all, peace up, I'm Audi.

[Rap music playing]

Ooh, white people do walk
like that, really,

especially in the army.

Man, that stuff about no butt!

Man! I tell you what,
you know why it's funny?

‘Cause it's dang old true.

Look, I appreciate
you guys humorin' Bobby,

but what the boy needs
right now is to be demoralized

into givin' this up.

I thought he was funny, Hank.

“Look at me, I'm white!"

[laughing]

Bill, leave the comedy
to the professionals.

Yes, sir.

[Country music playing]

Booda Sack, I'm Bobby Hill.

I was in your class
the other night, and I saw you

on Breakfast at the Apollo.

You saw that?

Yeah, I did some TV
a few years back.

Did the L.A. thing.

Sit down.
Have a bottle of ketchup.

[laughing]

Ketchup.

So, how come you're in Arlen?

I mean, you're really good.

I got a little risque on Moesha

a couple of years ago,

and it's been hard
for me ever since.

Anyway, TV’s not
where it's at, Bobby.

It's just givin' people the
same old stereotypes,

playin' the same old stories.
I didn't want to do that.

What I want to do is
make people laugh

and think.

You know what I'm sayin'?

That's why you teach traffic school.

Yeah.

That's why I teach traffic school.

Hey, I've been workin'
on some new stuff.

Check it out.

“White people think

"the hood is something
on their sweatshirt."

And, um...

“How come the cops
always be pullin' me over?

What's up with that?"

Bobby, let me give you

a little piece of
constructive criticism.

You're not black.

Oh, okay.

I mean, you got to be real, Bobby.
You know what I'm sayin'?

Not really.

You're a white man.

get in touch with your white roots.

Think of the stuff that's funny

from your point of view.

Well...

My dad's got a narrow urethra.

Ha, ha! Now, that's funny!

But my dad says
comedy isn't a real job.

Comedy ain't about
listenin' to your dad.

You think shucky-ducky
got the way he was

by listenin' to his daddy?

Listen, I got Adult Comedy Jam
Sunday nights.

As soon as you get real,
come on down.

Thanks, Booda Sack.

Dad, Booda Sack says I'm funny

and I could go up
on his amateur night.

Son, let me put this in terms

you can understand.

I am not down with that.

What I mean is “No."

Booda Sack says
I shouldn't listen to you.

He says good comedians
are rebels,

and they never
listen to their dads.

What?

Now that guy is tryin'
to turn my own kid against me?

You have no manners.

It's obvious that your mother
did not raise you right.

Uh-oh.

What's that? You talkin'
about my mother?

Let me tell you
about your mother.

Your mother is so fat,

she jumped up in the air
and got stuck.

What?

That's right.
I say your mama is so fat,

that she freebases ham!

First of all, my mother
is not overweight.

She weighs 120 pounds,

which is perfectly normal
for a woman her age.

I said your mama's so fat,

when she walks around
in high heels,

she strikes oil!

I don't think you've ever
even met my mother.

If you want
to pick on someone,

at least have the courage
to pick on me.

Uh-huh, uh...

Your urethra is so narrow

sperm be going through there
single file.

Hut, 2, 3, 4!
Sperm, 2, 3, 4!

Ok, ok, that's it,
potty-mouth. I've had enough.

This is supposed to be a classroom.
I'm leavin'.

Oh, you leave my class,
and I'm gonna flunk you!

Yeah, we'll see about that.

Mom, you got a minute?

Of course, Bobby.
Anything for you, honey.

Now, what is it?

I'm tryin' to find my roots.
You know, what I'm all about.

Oh, honey, your roots are very rich.

Your grandfather and his father
and his father's father

were all married
and bought houses

and had jobs
and had children.

But did they do anything funny?

Bobby, honey, it sounds like

you've never heard
of a butter churn

with a mind of its own.

Oh, and your Great Aunt Charlotte,

we used to call her Mrs. Magoo,

because she couldn't see well.

Oh, and she drank.

[timer dings]

And the butter churn
had a mind of its own.

[birds chirping]

Dang!

It's kind of funny
in an old person's way.

You're so lucky, Connie.
You're ethnic.

Joseph and I are just nothin'.

We're just white and boring.

Yeah.

HANK:
Then he said my mother was so big,

her stretch marks had names.

Well, has he ever seen your mother?

No.

Is she overweight?

Not by half.

Well, then that's not funny.

I never did get that Booda Sack.

Tell Mr. Sack I'd like to see him.

And another thing, these videotapes
he's showin' are too mild.

I'd like to recommend a movie
I saw in high school

called Red Asphalt.

Showed a fellow's brains
being scraped off the road.

Now, that kept me straight.

I like the way you think, Mr. Hill.

What's up, Boom-Boom?

I told you not to call me that.

Now, Mr. Hill here has a complaint.

Hey, it ain't my fault
he don't got a butt.

Tell him to take it up with god.

Now, Booda, we've talked
about this before.

You can't say those types
of things in class.

You're offending people
like Mr. Hill here.

Well, I got somethin'
called freedom of speech.

Ever heard of
the first amendment?

Thomas Jefferson is turning
over in his grave right now

and the slave lady's on top.

Now, see here, Thomas Jefferson
was a founding father.

He designed and built
his own house.

Now, calm down, you two.

Sack, go put the fancy
candles on the tables.

I'll deal with you later.

Tell you what, Mr. Hill,
he won't teach here again.

Now, I'm not supposed
to do this,

but why don't I transfer you
to our chocoholics class

for the last segment, huh?

How about that?

If we get on the internet,
maybe we could find out

something funny
about white people.

Yeah!

Now, we could
enter in keywords,

and then find material
for your act.

This is a great idea.

What words should we use?

“White." “Roots." “Funny."

Wow!

[Dixieland playing]

You guys busy?

We can take a break.

‘Cause if anybody's goin' downtown,

I need a ride to the comedy club

to try out my new material.

That's funny.
Hey, you all comin'?

No, man,
you count me out of that.

Dang old cocktail waitresses.

Two of them, man. I found out
they were roommates, man.

That dang old
double boink, man.

What did you do
to Booda Sack, Hank?

He was fired.

Now we got to sit
through prop comic.

I covered in watermelon.

I feel bad about that,

but the man
brought it on himself

with his own
locker-room mouth.

Boomhauer,
where'd everybody go?

Hey, man, I tell you what, man.
They took that dang old truck.

Dang old muffler fallin' off,
it ain't got no brakes, man.

Sparks flyin'.
Like I told him, fix that dang old thing,

put on some duct tape, man.

What? They took Bobby to Snapz?

[crowd whooping]

Oh, me, oh, my!

Now, that's what I call
general haberdashery!

[Hip-hop music playing]

Bobby, do that one about how the
cops always be pullin' you over.

I don't do those kind of
jokes anymore, Mr. Dauterive.

I've got a whole new act.

Poppin' fresh is keepin' it real.

All right! All right!
Let's hear it one more time

for my main man, Toenail.
All right!

Give him a little depth.
Now settle down.

We got a special treat
for all of y'all tonight.

The youngest comic to ever
set foot on this stage.

Give it up for Bobby Hill!

So how's everybody
doin' tonight?

All right!

Okay.

How many people here
are lucky enough

to be members of the Nordic
subgroup of the Aryan race?

Can I see some hands?

[feedback screeching]

Yeah, it's tough bein'
a white man these days.

It's tough, I tell you.
Folks, I'm so white,

during the riots, I went out
and bought a television.

[gasps]

What did he say?

Is this thing on?

MAN:
Fake!

WOMAN:
Get off the stage!

Uh-oh, Bobby's in trouble.

Dale! Where's Bobby?
What's going on?

Well, he's no Toenail.

BOBBY:
Okay.

Oh, I know.

Here's an old joke
I heard on the internet.

It takes place in
the slavery days of yore.

What? Bobby, no!

Wait a minute, everybody.

This is my son up here.

And he's only 12-years-old.

Somebody shut that Nazi up!

Shut up, you whitey!

Look, he doesn't know
what he's sayin'.

Man: Well, who are you?
The Grand Wizard?

No, no, I sell propane

and propane accessories.

Y-y-yo-y-y-yo.

What's goin' on here?
Let me get a piece of this.

Whoa!

Opie,

that new act of yours
is seriously unfunny.

Am I right, y'all?

Yeah!

You ain't allowed to talk that way,

not in America!

Am I right, y'all?

Yeah, that's right!

Wrong!

We got a thing
called freedom of speech.

And a man on this stage

can say any dumb-ass thing
he wants!

[grunts]

And, uh, besides,
look at this kid's daddy!

The man don't got no butt at all,
no butt at all!

I mean, his booty's so small,

he got to hold on to the light cord

to keep from fallin' in the toilet!

He gonna drown.
Can't swim. Can't swim.

I mean, look at this man's booty.

Booty so small, he gonna hula hoop
with a Cheerio.

With a Cheerio,
not Fruit Loops, Cheerio!

[whistling]

[cheering]

I got to thank you, Mr. Sack.

You kept a cool head
in a crisis situation.

Booda Sack, I'm sorry
that I wasn't funny.

Well, don't worry about it,
Bobby.

You know, Rerun didn't
start off that funny.

Well, thanks for savin' my boy

and not holdin' it against me

that you were fired from teachin'.

If you're lookin' for a real job.

You ought to consider
a career in propane.

You know, this whole humor fad
is pretty much on the way out.

Good job, Roger.

You know, I want to apologize

for all those things I said

about your mother
not raising you right.

I'm sure if she had planned for you,

it would have been different.

What? Don't make
me go upside your--

Gotcha. Just kiddin'.

Check it out, Drew Carey has finally
developed a sense of humor.

That's all right.

Hey, Drew Carey!
Your mama is so ugly,

when she walks in the bank,
they turn off the camera.

And your mother
is so ugly, uh...

It affects her self-esteem.

Your mama got so much
hair under her arms,

it looks like she got
Buckwheat in a headlock.

Well, your mother's hair
is so short,

she looks like she's not
a woman at all,

but more like a man.

More like a man? You got to
work on that one. Check this out.

It's been so long since
your mama's last bath,

that her hairy armpits
smell like propane gas.

Now, excuse me.
Hold on there, fella. A joke's a joke,

but now you've gone too far.

Propane has no natural odor.

What you smell was
actually put there by man

for safety purposes.

Hello, I'm Hank Hill.

And I'm Roger Sack.

Tonight's episode dealt
with racial stereotypes,

especially the myth

that white people
do not have butts.

As you can see from the man
standin' next to me,

that's simply not true.

thank you, Roger.

It's a damn fine butt.

Oh, yeah, thank you.

That butt is the bomb.

Yeah, I think it's time for the X-Files.

Now! Go!

TOENAIL:
Now that's what I call
general haberdashery!