King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 2, Episode 15 - Three Days of the Kahndo - full transcript

♪ [Mickey by Toni Basil playing]

♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine
you're so fine, you blow my mind ♪

♪ Hey, Mickey ♪

♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine
I want to believe ♪

♪ You take me by the heart
when you take me by the hand ♪

♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine ♪

♪ Won't you understand ♪

♪ Kahn's like you, Mickey ♪

♪ And what you do, Mickey, do, Mickey ♪

♪ Don't break my heart, Mickey ♪

[theme music]



Oh, Minh, you didn't
have to bring cookies.

Hearing about all of your little Connie's
academic achievements

is all the treat that we need.

Oh, no problem.

Don't want them getting stale

while we go on luxury trip to Mexico.

Mexico.
Oh, Hank and I used to go

every time they
devalued the peso.

That got old pretty quick.

We stay in beautiful mitad duplex condo

with Kahn's brother and family.

Mmm, oh, yes, lovely.

What mitad mean, exactly, in English?

First class? Deluxe?



Mitad.

Hmm.

That's one of those words
that doesn't translate easily.

Extra-special luxury?

It conveys the idea of simple,
but relatively clean, living.

Ah, stupid brother!

Now he back out on the trip

and we stuck with
full charge for condo rent.

We can't afford that.

We just bought a CD jukebox.

Ah…

Maybe cracker neighbor
some use after all.

Howdy, neighbor!

Well, sure, there are
some pros. It's a good deal.

And I guess there's
nothin' tying us to the house

now that we've got
automatic sprinklers,

but there's also the cons,

the biggest one bein', well, Kahn.

Hank, I saw the brochure.

The condo is 2 stories and very mitad.

You would barely have to see him.

If we stayed home, I wouldn't have
to see him at all.

I can't think of
a better vacation than that.

But it's also an opportunity to learn
about another culture.

Now, the last time Bobby
went to Mexico,

he was still on the breast.

I love Mexico.

They fast-track new makeup
straight to the consumer.

Here, the FDA tests
and tests for years.

It's like they don't care how we lookay.

Oh, come on, Hank.

I can finally replace
that papier-mâché pear I got

when I was an exchange student
in Oaxaca.

Come on, Dad!

It's the real-life home
of TV's Monsignor Martinez.

Well, okay.

If you all want to go,
I guess it's buenos dias, Mexico.

[laughing]
Oh, Hank, I'm sorry,

but you just said,
“Good Gods, Mexico."

[laughing]

I wish I could go
on a luxury Mexican vacation.

It must be pretty expensive to stay
in one of those mitad condos.

Must cost at least $500.

Maybe you got it for $350?

How much you payin'?

I tell you what,
man, about Mexico, man.

You go down and you load
up on those dang ol' chiclets, man.

You go there wheelin' and dealin'

with 'em dang ol' guys, talkin' about
caminos dos mujeres.

I think it's nice
that you're goin' away, Hank.

You--you need a good vacation

with your new best friend, Kahn,

who you love so much.

Yes, Bill. I love Kahn.

Maybe if this trip works out,

I’ll marry him and live in Mexico forever.

Is that what you want to hear?

No.

[tires screeching]

Every time I try to pass,
hillbilly woman speed up.

Don't be silly.
Peggy Hill not even thinking about you.

[Peggy and Hank laughing]

Think again, hotshot.

[Kahn hollering]

[tires screeching]

Did you see that?

Hey, no fair.

You're makin' a mockery
of the breakdown lane!

Why is there such
a big fence, Dad?

Well, millions of people
come to America

in search of a better life,

and we've decided
we don't need that many.

Did the Souphanousinphones
come through the fence?

No, Bobby.
Kahn applied the legal way.

Sometimes the system fails us.

[laughing]

Hey, check out this
dangerous character.

Ooh!

Watch out! You think
he's runnin' guns?

[laughing]

Sir, pull your vehicle over to
the inspection area, please.

He was joking.
Tell him you were joking, Kahn.

Let him look.
You got nothing to hide.

See you at condo.

[sighs]

[crickets chirping]

JACINTO:
Don't steal the towels.

You take, I charge.

This is a mini-bar.

You use, you pay.

Now, for the tour of the condo.

“Condo."

Wait a minute.
Where the rest of it?

I pay for mitad condo, 2 floors.

This condo plenty mitad,
but only one floor.

What are you trying to pull,
ol' bait and switch?

“Mitad."

“Mitad" means "half."

Just downstairs, not upstairs.

Me comprendes?

Just downstairs?

I can't spend whole
weekend squished

side by side with
redneck neighbor.

No, no, no, don't worry
about any redneck neighbor.

Nobody's rented the upstairs.
It's completely vacant.

[exclaiming]

But where are the bathroom?

Oh, there's only one bathroom.

But, hey, the tub is big
enough for 2 people.

[screaming]

I come to see Mexico,

not Hank hill squeezing this
year's butt into last year's swimsuit.

[door creaking]

Oh, no! You're not
gettin' the upstairs,

not after what you did to me
back there at the border.

Okay. You take high-class
penthouse with view.

We take downstairs hovel.

Here's key.
Lock little sticky.

You got to rake it
like there's no tomorrow.

This is a car key.

Yeah. You win new car.

This big game show.
Just rake it, stupid.

[grunting]

Well, it probably just
needs a little WD-40.

Peggy, which bag has
our bathroom stuff?

[birds chirping]

Come on, kids, ándale.

We're off to the
papier-mâché district.

We gotta sneak off
on our own, Bobby.

Mom, can Connie and I
go play volleyball?

Well, all right. Just make sure
to apply plenty of sunscreen, honey.

We are much closer to the sun
here than in Texas.

This market is way too tacky.

They are not gonna have
papier-mâché pears.

[chattering]

Oh, my god!
La leche del sol.

The illegal beauty
secret of the stars.

Look, Bobby! Firecrackers.

[bell on door ringing]

[exclaiming]

Bueno. M-80s! Those are
a quarter stick of dynamite.

Oh, my gosh! La Bomba.

Those can blow
your whole arm off.

[man speaking Spanish on TV]

[hollering]

Vaya con Dios.

[grunting]

Ah!

Hey, this is a beer, not a fruit salad.

Why can't you find your own bar?

I have same coupon book as you.

I just want a beer.

This is free country, isn't it?

Uh, uh-oh, no.
No. I don't want this. No.

No. Look, if you want to make
money, play for that guy.

He's rich. Mucho dinero.

[all speaking Spanish]

What? Oh, no. No.
You think I'm a sucker?

Ah, you sing for me?
I sing for you.

♪ That's what I like about you ♪

♪ You really know how to dance, yeah ♪

How about that trash can over there?
Let's blow that up.

If this were a cherry bomb, I'd say yes.

But this is La Bomba.

Mmm, nah.

[engine starting]

Hmm.

Ooh, mmm.

Ooh!

This is our chance
to really make a statement.

[gasps]

[Connie grunting]

♪ She blinded me with science ♪

♪ Do, do, do ♪

♪ She blinded me with science ♪

Pretty good job, Kahn.

I've never heard that song
with only one note before.

Yeah, it all about rhythm.

Bartender,
2 cervezas, por favor.

[bird cawing]

These are all authentic,
locally crafted masks.

In our culture, they have deep
social and religious importance.

Mmm-hmm, yeah, that's nice.
Have you got pears?

Uh, right. You're here
for the papier-mâché pear.

Uh-huh.

Well, the pears are
not sold separately.

[gasping]
Oh, it's perfect.

[grunting]

Oh, muchos, muchos gracias.
I'm not even going to haggle.

I have to pay for the frog, right?

Yes.

Of course. It is so beautiful.
I--I really don't know how I can thank you.

Señora, I have a friend
just across the border.

And I don't trust the mail.

The address is on the box.
Would you deliver it for me?

Well, that would be my pleasure, amigo.

Gracias.

Oh, my! It's wrapped prettily, isn't it?

I wonder what is in it.

I'll tell you what's in there.

Cocaine, black tar, PCP, you name it.

I see 20/20 special all about this.

You a mule, Peggy Hill.

[gasping]

[rattling]

Hank? Hank Hill? Is that you?

Dale? What are you doin' here?

I was just out for a drive.

Thought this place
might have clean facilities.

Talk about a coincidence.

It's a 9-hour drive, Dale.

Is it?
I guess I better stay then.

[truck approaching]

I think it's a dud.

Yeah.

Let's give it 15 more minutes.

Hey, you! You skinny gringo.

I don't know you.
Are you a guest?

I'm stayin' with the Hills in 5-B.

5-B? Upstairs?

Damn turistas! You try to rip me off?
It'll be the last time...

Somebody missed his siesta.

[crickets chirping]

Boy, now I know why they call it
beach volleyball!

Volleyball is really fun.

Bobby, come here.

Honey, do you think I'm naive?

No.

Am I just a fool who believes
whatever I am told?

I'm sorry.

Why on Earth did I trust that man?

There could be anything
in this package. Anything.

I am so estupido.

Oh.

Hmm…

They had to kill 10 turtles to fill
1 little jar.

Neat.

[Men chattering in Spanish]

Uh-oh. Oh, my god!
It's the police!

They know I tried to blow up
one of their monuments.

No, no. They think I'm
a makeup smuggler.

Get outta my way!

[flushing]

We all have to put
on lots of makeup.

[crying]
This tastes like turtles.

What in the heck is goin' on?

I was never here.

Peggy Hill is nobody's mule.

A pear?

Come on out here, everyone.
Come on. Get out here.

We have nothing to hide.

[Dale yelling]

[thudding]

You will pay the condo manager
8,000 pesos.

But, if the key fit,
you must acquit--

10,000 pesos.

Bailiff, confiscate
their identification.

Look, let's just pay the money
and go home.

My money not fluid.
Take weeks to raise funds.

You pay. I owe you.

I can't cover it.

If I could just get back to Arlen,

I could have 'em garnish my wages.

But we can't leave the country.
They took our ID.

Are you kiddin'?

We won't have any trouble
drivin' through that checkpoint.

They'll just wave us through,
pretty as you please.

Really?

Well, Hank and me,
'cause we're Angloid.

You, they'll haul out
and give the 3rd degree.

Maybe it'll be safer
if we all split up.

Dale, you come with me.
Kahn, you're on your own.

Hey, Hill! You can't leave me.
We Americans, Hank.

No lime in our beer, remember?

And we sure sent those mariachis running.
Ha-ha.

Ha-ha, ah!

Help me, Hank.

CONNIE AND MINH:
Bye-bye.

You all get goin' now.
Dale, Kahn, and I'll be along

after we, uh, clear up
that little misunderstanding.

[engine starting]

Ah! I don't think this
such a good idea.

Yeah?
Well, here's another idea.
We go on without you.

Ok, all right, I get in.

KAHN:
♪ Doodle do, do, do ♪

♪ Poetry in motion ♪

♪ Do, do, do ♪

Pothole.

[Kahn yells]

[laughing]

Now, just follow
my lead and play it cool.

What if they find Kahn?

If I know my Mexican legal system,
which I do,

we'll get about 15 years
with a starvation diet

of moldy bread and warm water.

Distilled water?

[laughing]
No.

And, of course,
there is a total lack

of toilet paper and privacy.

Oh, god! I can't go
while people watch.

Then let me do the talkin'.

Morning!
Where are you gentlemen from?

[quavering]
Arlen, Texas.

I've been to Arlen. Nice town.

[yelling]
Run!

[Dale yells]

[grunting]

[yelling]

[chuckling nervously]

[whimpering]

[all panting]

I think we lost them.
We'll be okay.

Okay? We're screwed.

No. We're American.
We gotta find a pay phone

and hope Ross Perot's
800 number is still workin'.

Why you wanna call that nut for?
Border right there.

Millions of people cross over everyday.
We can, too. No big deal.

Illegally? No.

America is my country,
and I love her.

I wouldn't enter her
in any way that's unnatural.

We have no choice, Hank.

The INS had their
cameras trained on us.

The border guards
think we're smugglers.

I'm too pretty to go to jail!

Uh, excuse me, uh, what did
it cost you to rent those mopeds?

Uh...

Actually, we own these,
but we are lookin' to sell 'em.

Well, maybe we can
help each other out.

The only thing is
we're a little short on cash.

That watch belong
to my grandfather.

That was my only pair
of button-fly jeans.

Hey, what--what happened
to our mopeds?

Hey, look at me!

[laughing]
Look at me!

Somebody look at me!

[both yelling]

Did you see?

Yeah,
Dale, you looked really cool.

For your next trick,
why don't I kick your ass?

Get on the back, Kahn.
Dale, you're Lucky Pierre.

Oh, man!

[engine starting]

[engine sputtering]

It'd be faster if we walk.

Ow!

“Did you see? Did you see?"

[crickets chirping]

Uh...

Have we just been captured?

[sighing]

[groaning]

Wait, Hank, I—I can't swim!

[sighs]

Of course you can't.

Ah!

Look at mighty river.

So much beauty. So much power.

Humbles a man, huh, Hank?

[panting]

You good friend, Hank.

And friendship based on truth.

I broke into top condo on purpose,
and I'm sorry.

What? Damn you, Kahn!

This whole thing is your fault.

[Kahn yelling]

[panting]

I thought you said
you couldn't swim.

Yeah. I'm big, fat liar.

[panting]

This river is filthy.
Look at this. Underwear floatin' around.

DALE:
Uh, Hank. A little help here?

He won't last 2 days in the US.

America. Texas.

Home.

Look how easy it is
to get into this country.

Oh, I can't believe
I had to learn the bill of rights.

When am I gonna use that?

You'd be surprised, Kahn.
I take the 5th on a daily basis.

[hollering]

Heave.

[grunting]

[both grunting]

[gasping]

Hurry up, Hank.
The border guards are comin'.

You gotta give me a hand. Dale?

Dale! Dale!
Wait! I can't do it alone.

Gribble gone. Take my hand.

[both grunting]

Welcome to land of
opportunity, Hank.

[siren wailing]

[birds chirping]

[slurping]

Yup.

Mmm-hmm.

Yup.

Yup.

Hey, you know what's funny?

This time, I on Texas soil first.

Ha! He's the immigrant.

I smuggle him in.

Very funny, Kahn.

Hey! I live next door to alien.
My property worth nothing now.

Ha-ha.

Ah, you get in the baby way.

I had to memorize all presidents.
You couldn't do it.

That stretch between Polk and
Buchanan wipe you out.

You ever hear of Garfield?

He more than
a cartoon cat, you know.

He part of history of my country.

[birds chirping]

MONSIGNOR MARTINEZ:
Vaya con Dios.