King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 2, Episode 11 - The Unbearable Blindness of Laying - full transcript

[theme music]

[hammering]

Come on, Hank.
Your mom's flight arrives in half an hour.

Hold on. I gotta do a color check.

Let's see.
Red, blue, green, white.
Red, blue, green, white. Red--

Hank, aren't you
excited to see your mother?

Of course I'm excited
to see her.

I haven't seen her in 2 years.

It's the boyfriend I'm worried about.

[airplane engine whirring]

You know, it's about time
you got used to this, Hank.



Your mother told you almost a
year ago that she had a boyfriend.

She said "gentleman friend."
I didn't know it was the same thing.

I thought they just sit and have tea,

and talk about how good the tea is...

You know, "not too hot."
That kind of thing.

Well, I've never heard
your mother so happy.

Come on, just give
this guy a chance.

Why? He's just gonna use her
like a footstool, like dad did.

Rub-a-dub-dub
I think I'm in love.

Oh Hank, you're exaggerating.

Not really.

HANK:
Oh, great.

Look, she's carryin'
both of the bags

and he's nowhere to be found.



Well hello, Tilly,
how was your flight?

Well, it was nice,
except that we asked

for no meat,
and they served us meat.

And we just can't eat meat
since Gary's bypass.

Oh, Hank,
it's so good to see you.

[grunting]

Mom, we're in public.
One hand only, ok?

But I've missed you.

Thank you very much.

Hank and I cannot wait
to meet your new man.

[sighs]

we didn't know how
to spell his name,

so we don't have
a stocking for him.

Oh, don't worry.

I'm sure he won't even notice.

Um, he's Jewish,

and, uh, they never
did that in his family.

Did they carry
suitcases in his family

or does he think that's woman's
work, like dad did?

Oh, Hank, Gary's nothin'
like Cotton.

He's got a big heart.

Of course, now the doctors
call it "enlarged."

You flush, and where does it go?

[laughs]

Ah, you must be Peggy.

That's right, Peggy.

It's such a pleasure
to meet you, Mr. Kasner.

Mr. Kasner's my father.

Gary, it's Gary.

Hank, I recognize this
from your baby pictures.

I'm glad to meet you
at last, boychik.

Uh, hey!
Hey, let go.

[laughs]
Never, never.
You'll never get away.

Mom, I'll put your stuff
in the den with Luanne.

Uh, Gary, I put a cot in
Bobby's room for you.

No, no, no!
Why move everyone around?

Tilly and I can sleep out here
in the living room.

No, I don't think so.

Why?
Doesn't that couch open up?

Uh, yeah, but, no, uh...

Hank, don't tell me

You're uncomfortable
with the thought

of me and Gary sleepin'
in the same room.

I didn't have that thought, Mom.

You put that thought in my head.

But now that it's there,
you leave me no choice. I'm sorry.

I gotta drive all the way to Houston

to have Christmas
lunch with my dad

and then drive all
the way back here

to have Christmas dinner
with my mom and him.

Why do you keep
calling him, "him"?

I just find that odd.

I call him Mr. Kasner,
keeping it nice and formal.

“Kasner." is that German?

It's Jewish.

[birds chirping]

So, he's Jewish.

Yeah, Dale, he's Jewish.

There's nothin’ wrong with that,
in and of itself.

Is he funny?

Well, he doesn't seem
too funny.

Seinfeld's funny.

Seinfeld's
funnier than Gary.

I'll bet Gary...
Kasner, is it?

I'll bet he's
funnier than Cotton.

Cotton ain't no funny
at all, man.

Dang ol' POW camp about
putting dang bamboo shoots

talkin' about in
his ding dang ol' fingernails,

man, don't freak me out
about that.

You know, I thought my mom
had learned her lesson

when she had the good
sense to dump my dad.

But now she's gone and found
another guy to treat her like a bellboy.

[laughs]

Whoopi Goldberg's funny.

You know, the man won't even eat steak.
Now, what's that about?

Hell, my boss has
a bypass surgery every year,

and he eats all
the damn steak he wants.

That's not the reason
Gary doesn't eat steak, Hank.

It's 'cause the cow
is sacred to his people.

Nope, you're
thinkin' of the Hindus.

The pig is sacred to the Jews.

I wouldn't, myself, never join a
religion that restricted my diet.

See, I don't want to get into
heaven that way.

Hey, we have the same build.

Yeah, I guess so.
But your skin is a little tighter.

Are you a war hero, like my
biological grandfather?

A hero? No. No, no.
I spent most of Korea

in a submarine,
deep in the pacific.

I didn't see much action.

Hey, when you flush on a
submarine, where does it go?

[chuckling]

You, I like.

You said, “You, I like,"
instead of, “I like you."

That's funny.
I like that.

Wait. That, I like.

[sighing]

[Gary munching]

Good. Good, you're up.
What is this I'm eating?

It's some kind of
delicious cutlet.

Chicken-fried steak.

Oh well, I'm gonna
count this under "chicken.”

[gulps]

I'm allowed to have chicken.

Uh, sit down. Let's talk.

Hank, your mother
means a great deal to me.

It's been a long time
since I've had these feelings--

Uh, sorry, but now is a bad time.

Uh, this is my program.

And I just ask you, father,
to take this man's hiccups,

to heal him.

[hiccupping]

I—I—I, y-you believe
in this stuff?

Yep, that's right.
It's my favorite thing.

So please don't talk to me
about anything else right now.

Hiccups, be gone!

[hiccupping]

Well, I guess there's nothing we can...
Be gone!

I was thinkin' of picking up a menorah
so we can celebrate Hanukkah

and make Gary feel at home.

What?

I just think it would be nice
to honor his traditions, too.

Bobby could blow
out all the candles

on Hanukkah Eve,
and make a wish.

No, he's the new guy.
Why should we change anything for him?

He hasn't made any offers
to change for me.

Bobby, are you going
to the game with us?

Basketball, I can take or leave.

Excuse me?
Honey, don't you mean to say,

“I can take or leave basketball"?

No, mom, Gary taught me this.

It's the cool new way
people from Arizona talk.

You want I should teach you?

Bobby, get your butt in the car.

Let's go, let's go!
If I miss the tip-off,

I don't know which team is
goin' for which basket.

Mom, you're not dressed.

Didn't somebody tell you?
4 of Arlen's players made regionals.

I think I'll pass.

Fine, whatever.
I'm just sayin,

an 8th grade like this
comes along once in a decade.

[laughs]

it's been a long night
without you, puppy.

Mister, it's certainly been
a long, hot night.

I got your mistletoe,
right here.

Did you remember to bring
the styrofoam finger?

Yes, Hank.

Does it say
"number one" on it?

Yes, Hank.

The basketball one?

[sighing]

[tires squealing]

HANK:
Huh, that's my mother's robe.

As soon as I'm out of sight,
he makes her do the laundry.

This is weird.
It sounds like the dryer's on,

but all their
clothes are on the floor.

[thumping]

[Tilly moaning]

Oh!

[gasping]

Uh...

My eyes!

I've gone blind!

Hank, is something wrong?
You look very strange.

Well…

I guess I'll have to take your word for it.
I can't see a thing.

I've gone blind.

Oh, good lord!

Blind, he's gone now.

I'm really stumped.

Your eyes respond
to light, the retina is in place

and there's no sign of a stroke.

Mr. Hill, I know I've asked you this
before, but you didn't poke yourself, did you?

No, I just went blind for no reason.

Why is that so hard
for you to understand?

What kind of a doctor are you, anyway?
Will you do something?

What are all these machines for?
What about that laser right there?

Use that laser on my husband right now!

All right.

Whoa, whoa!
I don't need a laser.

Look, what if somebody

saw somethin' really, really wrong?
Could that affect someone's vision?

Was something out of place,
something where it shouldn't be?

Did you open the microwave
door before the "ding"?

Just tell me if it's possible.

Well...

There is a temporary disorder
called hysterical blindness.

Someone can see
something so horrific

like, say, a brutal murder,
that sort of thing,

that they actually lose their sight.

Here, I got a couple of books on it.

You take them. I don't need them.

This condition could last a few days,
or a few weeks.

The key to getting better will be

to confront what you
saw and deal with it.

Unless, of course, you poked
yourself, in which case

when you're ready to admit it, you can
come back and I'll fix you right up.

Hank…

When are you planning on telling me
what you saw?

I can't say.
You want me to lose my voice, too?

How can I help you get better,
if you don't tell me what caused this?

So don't help me.
I'll just be blind. I don't care.

Is it a thing, or--or a person,
or a vegetable?

Hank, just tell me!

a person.
Ah-ahh!

Stop it! Stop asking me.

When we get home,
you can show me on a doll.

No!

All right, I'll tell you.

But you can't say anything
about it to anyone.

I saw mom and Gary, uh...

In the throes of, uh...

activity.

That's it?

I can't believe you dragged me
to a medical doctor for that.

Well, you get your sight back,
right now, you big baby.

Come on, Peggy,
it's not that easy.

How would you feel if you saw
your mother on the kitchen table

in the arms of a 65-year-old man

wearing nothin' but a submarine tattoo?

[gasps]

I eat breakfast on that table.

What did the doctor say, honey?

I poked myself in the eye.
It's the darnedest thing.

But what about the other eye?

Well, it seems the other eye
compensates by shutting itself down.

It's one of nature's wonders.

My entire life,
I've been reading Psychology Today.

I--I never heard of an eye
sympathetically shutting down. Hmm.

I've got a magazine you ought to read.

It's called the Ten Commandments.

Who's he talking to?
Hank, you want I should come over there?

“You want I should come over there?"
That is so Arizona.

[TV playing]

I know what your problem is, Hank.

Your finger's too big.

That's why you poked your eye out.

[all laughing]

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Hey, Hank, what am I thinkin'?

You can't see.

[both laughing]

You can't see what I'm thinkin'.

I'm not gonna be
blind forever, you know.

And the second I see some ass,
I'm kickin' it.

Now, no more making
fun of my blindness.

Okie-doke.

Brring, brring!

Phone for you, Hank.

[all laughing]

The joke's on you, funny man.

[dog barking]

[Hank screaming]

I like them flat.
Press harder.

[gasps]

Peggy...

So, okay, who wants
to make cookies?

[groans]

[sighing]

Jesus, if you're up there,

what I'd really
like for Christmas is my sight back.

And a wrench set.

Well, maybe I should be
talking to Santa about that.

[birds chirping]

WOMAN ON STEREO:
♪ Mistletoe hung where you can see ♪

[blowing]

What? What's goin' on?
Did somebody drop a dish?

Okay, now we will open the presents.

I'll pass them out, like usual.

Oh, we got somethin' square, uh...

Did somebody ask Santa
for something square?

[chuckling]

Uh, here you go, Bobby.

♪ You will get a sentimental feeling ♪

Hey, that's for me!

He said "Bobby."

♪ Voices singing let's be jolly ♪

Cool! A nightgown.

I'm gonna wear this when I get older.

All right, who's next?

Ooh, I got a heavy one here.

[rustling]

♪ Everyone dancing merrily ♪

Ok, and here's something for Peggy
from Tilly and me.

[gasping]

A book! I love books.
"The clown did it.

"movie comics
from Buster Keaton

to Robin Williams." look, Hank!

Uh, I'm awake.

Oh, and what do we have here?

Oh, my goodness!

Another mink coat for Hank.

Sorry, Hank,
I know that's getting old.

That's great there, Gary.

Thanks for turnin' my holiday
into a Woody Allen special.

I'm gonna sit in the truck
until it's time to go to my dad's.

Where's my finger?

Gary, he didn't mean that.
Please excuse me.

[clattering]

Hank, stop.

Hank, if you won't
come back in for Gary

or your mother,

at least do it for yourself.

Now, the doctor told you
it was psychological.

If you run away
from your problem,

you will never
get your sight back.

Are you going to drive me
to my dad's or not?

[sighing]

Honey, I feel better already.

Every block we put between me

and the kitchen table
is a load off my mind.

Amen to that.
Now, where am I going?

Huh? Wha--

Peggy?

Where's Peggy?
Turn this thing around.

Peggy asked me to take you,

and my policy is:

give a woman what she wants.

Stop the truck.
Let me ride in back, in the bed.

Don't be silly.
You'll be much more comfortable inside.

Here, I'll, um, I'll tell you
what you're passing.

There's one of those big trucks.

You know the ones
you find on the road.

A semi, a demi--
A couple-of-dozen-wheelers.

Here we got a billboard.
They want us to buy some filing cabinets--

Shut up!
You're drivin' me insane.

Oh, look!
A hitchhiker with a beard, a gun and a dog.

I think we'll pick him up.
It maybe take you out of this mood you're in.

He looks like a nice guy.

No, no!

We can take the dog.
No!

He'll lick your face.
You'll feel better.

No, no, no!

Don't you like dogs?

COTTON:
You're late.

Dad, it's good to hear your voice.

Still blind, huh?
Or are you fakin'?

[groans]

Either you're blind or you're slow.
I'd believe both.

What's he sellin'?

Oh, uh, that's just
the guy who drove me here.

Gary Kasner.

Kasner?

Happy Hanukkah.

I served with one of your tribe
in the Pacific.

Name of Brookland.
You know him?

I know a Joe Brookstein.

That's him.

Well, let's go get a tree, boy.

Uh, dad, I gotta take
your shoulder here.

Hands off, girlie.

I didn't fight off a bunker full of horny
privates to let you cop a feel.

[gunshots]

You know, Dad, it's like old times,
bein' here on the holidays.

I gotta say, I really like--

Have you been a chauffeur
all your life, Kasner?

I'm in visiting with Tilly.
Just thought I'd help out.

Tilly? My old Tilly?

Uh, Dad--

My sweet God!
Is she still around?

She was too old
for me 20 years ago.

I don't know what year she told
you she was, mister,

but that odometer's
done rolled over.

Dad, it's Christmas.

It doesn't matter what day it is.

You don't talk about her like that.

Tilly's a great woman,
a wonderful woman.

And all you did was dump on her.
Shame on you.

If I catch you talkin' like that again,
I'll kick your ass.

All right, I'm backin' down.

One man's trash
is another man's treasure.

Hank, I'll wait outside for you.

Uh, a little to your left.

Thanks, Gary.

You--you didn't have
to leave early on my account.

COTTON:
Where's my eggnog?
Bring me my eggnog!

[sighs]
No problem.

HANK:
Where are we?
We're not home yet.

GARY:
I'm taking you to a place

that might help you
to get your sight back.

I've already seen the doctors.

No, no.
Not medicine. Faith.

No, that's really
nice of you to offer

to share your
Jewishness with me

but I really don't walk that way.

Hank, trust me.

look, it's nothin' personal,
I'm just not crazy about the idea

of my God seeing me
in your God's temple.

Hank, I wouldn't take
you to a temple without tellin' you.

Then where are we?
What's goin' on?

I know you didn't
poke yourself in the eye.

It's not hard
to figure out what happened.

You saw me and your mother
in the kitchen.

I'm not flattered
that it made you go blind,

but obviously it's
something psychological with you.

That's why we're here.

MINISTER:
Welcome, brothers and sisters

and all you prayer partners
tuning in at home.

Welcome to
the Canvas Cathedral.

Canvas Cathedral?
The big TV church on the highway?

You said it was your favorite.

You brought me here?

We're celebrating
a special birthday today.

Does anyone know his name?

He's almost 2000 years old,
but he's still goin' strong.

I think we should give him
a round of applause

because he's
workin' on his birthday.

I don't really believe
in this faith-healing stuff

but it's a really nice gesture.

I don't get it.
I haven't been that nice to you.

Enough, enough.
I do It because I love your mom.

Well...

She's very fond of you, too.

And it's not such a bad thing,
I'm beginning to think.

[gasps]

Hey, no fair.
I didn't see you comin'.

Ok, got your jollies by now?

He's healin'
the crippled today, on his birthday.

He's healin' the blind today,
on his birthday.

I got a blind man right here.

Is this man your son?

I'd like to think, maybe one day.

Yeah.

Well, I guess that would be
an all right way to be thinkin'.

Blindness, leave this man!

I can see!

That a boy!
I knew you could.

Amazing grace!
He was blind and now he sees.

We'll be right back after these messages.

Hey, Hank, how's the weather?

Oh, right, you're blind.

[all laughing]

Now me, now me.

Hey, Hank, you're not wearin' any pants.

[all laughing]

Man! Hank got that
dang ol' stick, man,

even though walking
like he can see again, man.

It's a little spooky, man.

Hey, Hank's got his sight, man! Run!

Get outta here!

[all shrieking]

GARY:
You wanna taste something good?

Put the mashed potatoes

with the cranberries together,
mush them around.

[all munching]

this is the best Christmas ever.

Very good.

GARY:
I shouldn't eat so much.

BOBBY:
So moist, this turkey is.

It's a special occasion.
You can have another piece.

Ah, well.

Look, I wonder who's
gonna eat that piece.

You gonna eat that?