King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 2, Episode 10 - Bobby Slam - full transcript
Bobby joins the wrestling team and is caught in a dilemma when he has to fight Connie in order to make the team.
[theme music]
[game paddle clicking]
[beeping]
BOBBY:
Yeah, that was good.
CONNIE:
Oh! Ah!
Ooh!
That's what I like about wrestlin'.
There aren't any rules.
You can do anything to a guy:
jump on him, stick him with a pin,
the only limit is your imagination.
Don't they have any girl
wrestlers in this game?
no, but some of the older
ones have some breasts.
Connie, that was
your mom on the phone.
She wants to make sure
you were doing your homework.
A-am I in trouble?
I don't think so.
I told her you were busy "wrestling"
with some word problems.
[laughs]
Oh, Peggy.
Thanks, Mrs. Hill.
I guess I'd better
start my math homework.
Oh! That's gotta hurt!
[beeping]
[phone ringing]
BOBBY:
Thanks.
[birds chirping]
[phone ringing]
This is Hill.
COACH:
Dust off your gym skirt, Peggy.
We need a sub for girls' sports.
Location?
Tom Landry Middle School.
Duration?
Indefinite.
Did the previous instructor leave
a lesson plan, calendar,
notes on a post-it?
Well, that's sort of
a funny story, actually.
See, there is no
previous girls' coach.
We sort of forgot to hire one.
Hmm.
So, where are you
stationed today, soldier?
Fort mathematics? Heh-heh.
No, today I'm teaching gym.
Whoo! Now, that's serious, Peggy.
Gym is where a boy learns teamwork
and the importance of winning.
Actually, I'm teaching girls' gym.
Oh! Oh!
Good luck to you. Do
I have a clean shirt?
Why choose basketball?
Well, for one thing, it's the only sport
where you get to bounce a ball.
You bounce a football--
Well, that's a fumble, isn't it?
Baseball, no bouncing at all.
Bounce a ball in hockey, that's a
mandatory drug test, right there.
so, join the basketball team.
Thank you.
[grunting]
Cool.
A little staged, but it's still pretty good.
Gentlemen, I'm not going to try
to win you over
with a lot of fancy
talk about bouncing.
I just want you to know one thing:
every kid who shows up to wrestle
will earn a place on the team
and the right to wear this.
Wow, silver piping!
Good morning, class.
I am Mrs. Peggy Hill, or Coach Hill.
Now, we are offering you
girls a special program
which combines the
thrills of wrestling
with the skills of basketball,
in somethin' we call "general sports."
All right. Listen up.
Go on.
I want to start by showing you
a basic move.
And I need a volunteer.
You there.
Just come at me.
[grunting]
That's called a center-step,
single-leg attack.
Now, what are you going to
do? Huh? Now what, big man?
You gonna dump me? Huh?
You gonna pin me?
This'll teach you to pull a knife on me!
hard to stop a guy when you're hoppin'
around all day, huh, hoppy?
Huh? What?
All right, good job.
[rattling]
Hmm.
[ball deflating]
I hear Eddie Tucker started
patching his driveway.
Yep.
Uh-huh.
Where'd he get his asphalt?
Johnson's.
[sputtering]
Dad, Dad, guess what?
I joined a team.
A sports team?
Uh-huh. Wrestlin'.
It's the best sport ever, Dad.
There's no running.
Way to go, boy!
Wrestling's a damn fine sport.
Hell, it's an Olympic sport.
And this is offered
through the school, right?
Not some guy in a van
with a camcorder?
It's the real thing.
I'm in a very advanced
weight class.
You hear that, guys?
Bobby made a school team today,
without me even being the coach.
Congratulations, Hank.
ALL:
Whoo!
What are you here for?
Well, Dooley, a preteen girl
is like a skinny little tree
about to enter the hurricane
of adolescence.
And if we don't protect and nurture
this little tree,
before you know it, she'll
be bitter and pregnant.
For that reason, I'm
asking the principal
for a new basketball for the girls.
I peed in some kid's locker.
Girls' sports are a joke.
Yeah, if I just jim-jangle
my schedule a bit,
I think I can make it to
all of Bobby's practices.
What a great time in a boy's father's life!
Hank, what if Bobby was a girl?
Well, that's just it, Peggy.
I don't think we have to
worry about that anymore.
Do you know what
that principal said
when I asked for more
basketballs for the girls?
He said that the
money was earmarked
to put holograms on tickets
to the football games.
Holograms prevent
ticket fraud, Peggy.
There's a lot of sick people out there.
Well, it's just not fair.
It's like nothing has
changed since I was a kid.
[players chattering]
Can you run as
well as you can hit?
Yes, sir. I sure can.
Then run over to the store and
get these boys some sody pop.
Thatta girl!
Yeah, boys love soda pop.
We got to remember
to bring some to Bobby's practice.
[grunting]
Looking good, son.
You too, Dad.
Uh, I wanted to give you
this before practice.
You know, you might not be
here if it weren't for this cup.
It's made from the
finest American steel
ever to come out
of Pittsburgh, PA.
This used to be mine, and before
that it was your grandfather's.
There's holes in it.
How am I supposed
to drink out of this?
[sighs]
Bobby, it's not for--
Gotcha!
[both laughing]
[girls exclaiming]
Rhythm, girls!
First you blow, then you throw!
[blowing]
Hit 'em high, hit 'em low.
Landry, Landry, go, go, go!
Good spirit, Hill.
Can I have some Gatorade now?
Sure, kid. You're sweating plenty.
Hey, Connie.
How's it going?
Not so good.
[blowing]
I just found out we're
not getting uniforms.
You're better off.
We have home uniforms,
away uniforms...
It's so confusing.
Uh-huh.
Did you learn the pile driver yet?
That's not really a wrestlin' move.
Real wrestling is about holds.
You got your head locks,
your leg locks, your belly locks.
If you got it, we'll lock it.
Here, I'll show you.
Cool.
There's no way out.
Try.
You mean like that?
No, you didn't use real wrestling.
If you use wrestling,
it's impossible to get out.
But good try.
[girls chattering]
Hill, Doug here needs some
extra room to scrimmage.
So, can you run a posture drill
or somethin'?
Get the girls against the wall?
No, I'm afraid I cannot.
I am teaching general sports here,
and I need a general area.
Oh, yeah.
General sports was somethin'
Doug here came up with.
Hey, it's like home economics,
sort of a code word for "busy work."
But the one thing general sports
was not meant to do,
and Doug can back
me up on this, is take up space.
Okay, then.
I'm expanding my needs.
General sports is now total sports.
And I need the whole gym
and all the equipment,
and Doug can back me up on that.
[blowing]
It's over, Mrs. Hill.
[sighs]
Maybe sports wasn't such a good idea.
Maybe I should do
yearbook instead, or chess club.
Connie, don't you say that.
Yearbook is a shameful,
squalid waste of time.
Now, you just tell me
what sport you want to play,
and I will make sure you play it.
What if it's not a girls' sport?
Oh, poo! There's no such thing as boys'
or girls' sports. There's just sports.
Then I want to wrestle.
Well then, we will show those coaches
there's nothing a boy
can do that a girl can't.
Go ahead. Punch it!
[groans]
[boys laughing]
Look at that!
Pig in a blanket.
And my Bobby is the chef, not the weenie.
[whistle blowing]
All right, ladies, hit the showers.
And no Oklahoma car washes, neither.
Get your hair wet.
What are you doing here?
Shouldn't you be teaching the
girls about their monthlies?
Uh, no, not today, coach.
Today, I'm teaching
a lesson in fairness.
I have someone here who would
like to join the wrestling team.
And her name is
Kahn Souphanousinphone Jr.
Does she speak
the English language?
Well, of course she speaks English.
Well then, tell her wrestling's a boy's sport
and that's final.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
No, it's not.
Title 9 of the civil rights act clearly
prohibits sex discrimination
in public schools and guarantees
equal athletic opportunities
for all boys and girls.
Yeah, well, Roe v. Wade doesn't
apply to my wrestling team.
Oh, I think you'll find it does apply.
Come on, Connie.
Mrs. Hill, isn't Roe v. Wade--
Yeah, I know, dear, but you have
to pick your battles.
It was nice of you to
come by, Peggy Hill.
And you can stay
until you finish your Zinfandel.
But wrestling is a boys' sport.
Connie might get hurt.
Oh, boys are given the
opportunity to get hurt all the time.
Connie deserves the same chance.
If Connie gonna get a workout,
should be up here.
Build mental toughness
to get into good college.
Hire former wrestlers
to pave her driveway.
Dad, maybe being on the wrestling
team can help me get into Harvard.
Remember how disappointed you
were with my application essay?
You said my first draft
lacked life experience.
She right. Connie play
violin, sculpt with metal
and speak 3 languages.
But what set her apart?
I thought being smart person in
Texas set her apart.
Maybe that not enough.
PEGGY:
I'm sure wrestling will have
a wonderful effect on Connie.
Ever since my Bobby
joined the team,
I've seen marked improvements
in his social skills and in his balance.
Wait a minute.
Bobby Hill is your son?
Very good. You follow trail of clues
that start with same last name.
Where you find this guy?
Scotland Yard?
I'm--I'm sure there's a simple
solution to all this.
Perhaps you could persuade
your lovely little gal to take gymnastics.
Asian girls usually
excel at gymnastics.
I mean, with their tiny little feet,
balance beam seems
as wide as a sidewalk.
Kahn Jr., you want
to take gymnastics?
Gymnastics blows.
You heard her.
If my girl doesn't wrestle,
i'll show you who put the
"sue" in Souphanousinphone.
Cherry is strictly
an after-wrestling Gatorade.
But lemon-lime is good any time.
All right, Tinkerbells, listen up.
We got a situation here.
The girls' gym sub has
got a bee in her bonnet
about co-eding our team.
Long story short,
we got a gal on deck.
ALL:
Oh!
I know, I know. But there'
s nothing we can do.
It all goes back to title 9,
Dick Nixon's biggest mistake.
Now, I know I told you
there's a place on this team
for all comers, but now
I'm not so sure everybody's
going to make the team.
[sighs]
Hey, Bobby! Did you hear?
Your mom is gonna get me
on the wrestling team.
Now we can hang out all afternoon
and my mom won't care
'cause it's practice.
Shh! I can't remember
my combination when you're talking.
Okay.
This could take a while.
Oh.
Okay.
Mom made the coach take
Connie on the wrestling team,
and now he's out to get me.
Oh, no! We were so close.
It's all well and good
to talk about equal rights
until some man loses his job.
How's that equal?
Yeah. And it's worse when
they take away our favors
'cause we're used to gettin' 'em.
Now, hold on, Hank.
I'm all for ladies wrestling,
except when they do it in puddin'.
That's just demeaning to the human
beings who make puddin'.
Ever since they had that big
women's conference in Beijing,
co-ed sports has been
the number-2 priority
on the international
feminite agenda.
You want to know what
the number-one priority is?
Please, not right now, Dale.
Co-ed bathrooms.
[snorts]
It will be a cold day in hell
before we institute that
in the Gribble home.
Bobby was on the verge
of getting a nickname.
I thought you were keeping busy
teaching girls how to
blow up basketballs.
When did this turn into a
desire to ruin wrestling?
Oh, gimme a break. I don't see why
having a girl on the team would ruin it.
Did a woman judge ruin
the Supreme Court, huh?
Yes. And that woman's
name was Earl Warren.
[door opening]
Take a seat, debutantes.
I got an announcement.
Because of unprecedented interest
in wrestling this year,
I decided to hold tryouts on Friday.
Instead of a guaranteed
spot on the team,
this year, it'll be based on ability.
[boys sighing disappointedly]
I know it isn't fair.
But, apparently, that's what
some people like to call "progress."
First match,
Kaiser versus Gutierrez,
Fino versus McJimsy,
Souphanousinphone
versus Hill.
[gasping]
[gasping]
[gasping]
[laughing]
[gasping]
You got her into this, Peggy hill.
You can't abandon Connie now.
She need help.
She need training.
Oh, I want to, Minh.
I feel responsible.
Connie is picking up the softball bat
that was ripped out of my hands as a girl
by that little man from the Little League
but then Bobby, Bobby's my only son.
I—I don't know if I could choose.
Choose Connie.
But Bobby's my only--
That not my problem.
Choose Connie.
Oh, what do I do?
What do I do?
Choose Connie.
Choose Connie.
Okay.
We try "outside ankle breakdown."
Luanne, try to stop me.
Connie, you got the 4-color pen?
You take good note this time.
[sighs]
[grunting]
[chuckles]
[munching]
HANK:
Bill, for crying out loud!
I was listenin'.
Wrestling a girl.
That's a tough one, Bobby.
If you win, you get the shame
of having beat up a girl.
If you lose, you just better hope
she snaps your neck.
That's the quickest way.
Yeah, man. Dang ol' danged if you do,
danged if you don't.
Dad, what am I gonna do?
I'm danged here.
I'm royally danged.
Now, the key to wrestling
is the ability to explode.
The way I figure it,
if you can explode your way out
of underneath
the piece of wet carpet,
you can beat any 12-year-old
in the county.
All right, here we go.
1, 2, 3.
[Bobby grunting]
Explode!
Explode, boy!
Come on, Bobby, light the fuse.
You're a keg of dynamite!
That's it, boy.
You got him where you want him.
[Bobby grunting]
Time to really explode!
[Bobby struggling]
Keg of dynamite!
Hey, Hill!
A bunch of us decided
that if you don't
beat that girl tomorrow,
we don't know what we'll do.
So you'd better beat her.
Guys, there's no way I can lose.
I'm in the best shape of my life.
Hey, there she is.
Watch this.
How are you doing, Connie?
[boys snickering]
Can we please just forget
I ever said anything
about this stupid
wrestling thing?
What? No!
I go out on a giant
limb for you, Kahn Jr.
If you lose, you
no longer my son.
[sobbing]
[whirring]
“Why don't you edit
the yearbook, Peggy?
[grunts]
you're so good with paste
and scissors, Peggy."
Oh, yeah!
"your arms are so strong,
why don't you stir
punch at the prom?"
Luanne!
Quarters!
[Peggy groaning]
I'm sorry, little Jeffrey.
Mmm, that's Bobby.
Oh, yeah.
I wanted to call him Jeffrey,
but some man wouldn't let me.
You mean Uncle Hank?
[burps]
[moans]
Huh?
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]
Remember, take old
playmate down hard and fast.
Mom capture everything
on video camera,
include in
Harvard application.
Dad, I'm not even
in high school yet.
You never get there
with that attitude.
You're next, Hill.
I just wish your mom was here to see you.
[laughs]
she wanted to be here,
but she had to sleep in.
Son, I know everyone's been
filling your head with crazy stuff.
but I just want you to know this:
Connie killed your frog.
[whistles]
[grunting]
Atta boy, Bobby!
Way to go, Kahn Jr.!
[Connie exclaiming]
[audience gasping]
[screaming triumphantly]
[exclaiming gleefully]
[growls]
[roaring]
[screeching]
Ooh!
[grunting]
[yells]
[audience applauding]
What the hell is going on here?
That's not olympic-style wrestling!
Nope, that's real wrestling.
[audience cheering]
[screams]
[audience gasps]
[grunts]
I want to go to a party school.
Yeah! Chico state.
[roaring]
[makes chop-socky sounds]
[grunting]
She zombified him.
Snap out of it, Bobby.
[grunts]
[grunts]
Oh, that's gotta hurt.
Think they've had enough?
Not yet.
[yelling]
My eyes!
[Kahn laughs]
Connie, no mercy!
Finish him!
[grunts]
[audience cheering]
Why are you smiling?
Oh, did Bobby crush that
poor girl and her dreams?
Nope.
So, that little
witch whipped my boy?
No, they figured a way out.
Listen to the cheers, Peggy.
I think they both won.
Oh, yeah!
Ow!
Look at him explode!
That's my boy!
That's our boy!
That's our Jeffrey!
[audience cheering]
COACH:
Ooh! That's gotta hurt!
[game paddle clicking]
[beeping]
BOBBY:
Yeah, that was good.
CONNIE:
Oh! Ah!
Ooh!
That's what I like about wrestlin'.
There aren't any rules.
You can do anything to a guy:
jump on him, stick him with a pin,
the only limit is your imagination.
Don't they have any girl
wrestlers in this game?
no, but some of the older
ones have some breasts.
Connie, that was
your mom on the phone.
She wants to make sure
you were doing your homework.
A-am I in trouble?
I don't think so.
I told her you were busy "wrestling"
with some word problems.
[laughs]
Oh, Peggy.
Thanks, Mrs. Hill.
I guess I'd better
start my math homework.
Oh! That's gotta hurt!
[beeping]
[phone ringing]
BOBBY:
Thanks.
[birds chirping]
[phone ringing]
This is Hill.
COACH:
Dust off your gym skirt, Peggy.
We need a sub for girls' sports.
Location?
Tom Landry Middle School.
Duration?
Indefinite.
Did the previous instructor leave
a lesson plan, calendar,
notes on a post-it?
Well, that's sort of
a funny story, actually.
See, there is no
previous girls' coach.
We sort of forgot to hire one.
Hmm.
So, where are you
stationed today, soldier?
Fort mathematics? Heh-heh.
No, today I'm teaching gym.
Whoo! Now, that's serious, Peggy.
Gym is where a boy learns teamwork
and the importance of winning.
Actually, I'm teaching girls' gym.
Oh! Oh!
Good luck to you. Do
I have a clean shirt?
Why choose basketball?
Well, for one thing, it's the only sport
where you get to bounce a ball.
You bounce a football--
Well, that's a fumble, isn't it?
Baseball, no bouncing at all.
Bounce a ball in hockey, that's a
mandatory drug test, right there.
so, join the basketball team.
Thank you.
[grunting]
Cool.
A little staged, but it's still pretty good.
Gentlemen, I'm not going to try
to win you over
with a lot of fancy
talk about bouncing.
I just want you to know one thing:
every kid who shows up to wrestle
will earn a place on the team
and the right to wear this.
Wow, silver piping!
Good morning, class.
I am Mrs. Peggy Hill, or Coach Hill.
Now, we are offering you
girls a special program
which combines the
thrills of wrestling
with the skills of basketball,
in somethin' we call "general sports."
All right. Listen up.
Go on.
I want to start by showing you
a basic move.
And I need a volunteer.
You there.
Just come at me.
[grunting]
That's called a center-step,
single-leg attack.
Now, what are you going to
do? Huh? Now what, big man?
You gonna dump me? Huh?
You gonna pin me?
This'll teach you to pull a knife on me!
hard to stop a guy when you're hoppin'
around all day, huh, hoppy?
Huh? What?
All right, good job.
[rattling]
Hmm.
[ball deflating]
I hear Eddie Tucker started
patching his driveway.
Yep.
Uh-huh.
Where'd he get his asphalt?
Johnson's.
[sputtering]
Dad, Dad, guess what?
I joined a team.
A sports team?
Uh-huh. Wrestlin'.
It's the best sport ever, Dad.
There's no running.
Way to go, boy!
Wrestling's a damn fine sport.
Hell, it's an Olympic sport.
And this is offered
through the school, right?
Not some guy in a van
with a camcorder?
It's the real thing.
I'm in a very advanced
weight class.
You hear that, guys?
Bobby made a school team today,
without me even being the coach.
Congratulations, Hank.
ALL:
Whoo!
What are you here for?
Well, Dooley, a preteen girl
is like a skinny little tree
about to enter the hurricane
of adolescence.
And if we don't protect and nurture
this little tree,
before you know it, she'll
be bitter and pregnant.
For that reason, I'm
asking the principal
for a new basketball for the girls.
I peed in some kid's locker.
Girls' sports are a joke.
Yeah, if I just jim-jangle
my schedule a bit,
I think I can make it to
all of Bobby's practices.
What a great time in a boy's father's life!
Hank, what if Bobby was a girl?
Well, that's just it, Peggy.
I don't think we have to
worry about that anymore.
Do you know what
that principal said
when I asked for more
basketballs for the girls?
He said that the
money was earmarked
to put holograms on tickets
to the football games.
Holograms prevent
ticket fraud, Peggy.
There's a lot of sick people out there.
Well, it's just not fair.
It's like nothing has
changed since I was a kid.
[players chattering]
Can you run as
well as you can hit?
Yes, sir. I sure can.
Then run over to the store and
get these boys some sody pop.
Thatta girl!
Yeah, boys love soda pop.
We got to remember
to bring some to Bobby's practice.
[grunting]
Looking good, son.
You too, Dad.
Uh, I wanted to give you
this before practice.
You know, you might not be
here if it weren't for this cup.
It's made from the
finest American steel
ever to come out
of Pittsburgh, PA.
This used to be mine, and before
that it was your grandfather's.
There's holes in it.
How am I supposed
to drink out of this?
[sighs]
Bobby, it's not for--
Gotcha!
[both laughing]
[girls exclaiming]
Rhythm, girls!
First you blow, then you throw!
[blowing]
Hit 'em high, hit 'em low.
Landry, Landry, go, go, go!
Good spirit, Hill.
Can I have some Gatorade now?
Sure, kid. You're sweating plenty.
Hey, Connie.
How's it going?
Not so good.
[blowing]
I just found out we're
not getting uniforms.
You're better off.
We have home uniforms,
away uniforms...
It's so confusing.
Uh-huh.
Did you learn the pile driver yet?
That's not really a wrestlin' move.
Real wrestling is about holds.
You got your head locks,
your leg locks, your belly locks.
If you got it, we'll lock it.
Here, I'll show you.
Cool.
There's no way out.
Try.
You mean like that?
No, you didn't use real wrestling.
If you use wrestling,
it's impossible to get out.
But good try.
[girls chattering]
Hill, Doug here needs some
extra room to scrimmage.
So, can you run a posture drill
or somethin'?
Get the girls against the wall?
No, I'm afraid I cannot.
I am teaching general sports here,
and I need a general area.
Oh, yeah.
General sports was somethin'
Doug here came up with.
Hey, it's like home economics,
sort of a code word for "busy work."
But the one thing general sports
was not meant to do,
and Doug can back
me up on this, is take up space.
Okay, then.
I'm expanding my needs.
General sports is now total sports.
And I need the whole gym
and all the equipment,
and Doug can back me up on that.
[blowing]
It's over, Mrs. Hill.
[sighs]
Maybe sports wasn't such a good idea.
Maybe I should do
yearbook instead, or chess club.
Connie, don't you say that.
Yearbook is a shameful,
squalid waste of time.
Now, you just tell me
what sport you want to play,
and I will make sure you play it.
What if it's not a girls' sport?
Oh, poo! There's no such thing as boys'
or girls' sports. There's just sports.
Then I want to wrestle.
Well then, we will show those coaches
there's nothing a boy
can do that a girl can't.
Go ahead. Punch it!
[groans]
[boys laughing]
Look at that!
Pig in a blanket.
And my Bobby is the chef, not the weenie.
[whistle blowing]
All right, ladies, hit the showers.
And no Oklahoma car washes, neither.
Get your hair wet.
What are you doing here?
Shouldn't you be teaching the
girls about their monthlies?
Uh, no, not today, coach.
Today, I'm teaching
a lesson in fairness.
I have someone here who would
like to join the wrestling team.
And her name is
Kahn Souphanousinphone Jr.
Does she speak
the English language?
Well, of course she speaks English.
Well then, tell her wrestling's a boy's sport
and that's final.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
No, it's not.
Title 9 of the civil rights act clearly
prohibits sex discrimination
in public schools and guarantees
equal athletic opportunities
for all boys and girls.
Yeah, well, Roe v. Wade doesn't
apply to my wrestling team.
Oh, I think you'll find it does apply.
Come on, Connie.
Mrs. Hill, isn't Roe v. Wade--
Yeah, I know, dear, but you have
to pick your battles.
It was nice of you to
come by, Peggy Hill.
And you can stay
until you finish your Zinfandel.
But wrestling is a boys' sport.
Connie might get hurt.
Oh, boys are given the
opportunity to get hurt all the time.
Connie deserves the same chance.
If Connie gonna get a workout,
should be up here.
Build mental toughness
to get into good college.
Hire former wrestlers
to pave her driveway.
Dad, maybe being on the wrestling
team can help me get into Harvard.
Remember how disappointed you
were with my application essay?
You said my first draft
lacked life experience.
She right. Connie play
violin, sculpt with metal
and speak 3 languages.
But what set her apart?
I thought being smart person in
Texas set her apart.
Maybe that not enough.
PEGGY:
I'm sure wrestling will have
a wonderful effect on Connie.
Ever since my Bobby
joined the team,
I've seen marked improvements
in his social skills and in his balance.
Wait a minute.
Bobby Hill is your son?
Very good. You follow trail of clues
that start with same last name.
Where you find this guy?
Scotland Yard?
I'm--I'm sure there's a simple
solution to all this.
Perhaps you could persuade
your lovely little gal to take gymnastics.
Asian girls usually
excel at gymnastics.
I mean, with their tiny little feet,
balance beam seems
as wide as a sidewalk.
Kahn Jr., you want
to take gymnastics?
Gymnastics blows.
You heard her.
If my girl doesn't wrestle,
i'll show you who put the
"sue" in Souphanousinphone.
Cherry is strictly
an after-wrestling Gatorade.
But lemon-lime is good any time.
All right, Tinkerbells, listen up.
We got a situation here.
The girls' gym sub has
got a bee in her bonnet
about co-eding our team.
Long story short,
we got a gal on deck.
ALL:
Oh!
I know, I know. But there'
s nothing we can do.
It all goes back to title 9,
Dick Nixon's biggest mistake.
Now, I know I told you
there's a place on this team
for all comers, but now
I'm not so sure everybody's
going to make the team.
[sighs]
Hey, Bobby! Did you hear?
Your mom is gonna get me
on the wrestling team.
Now we can hang out all afternoon
and my mom won't care
'cause it's practice.
Shh! I can't remember
my combination when you're talking.
Okay.
This could take a while.
Oh.
Okay.
Mom made the coach take
Connie on the wrestling team,
and now he's out to get me.
Oh, no! We were so close.
It's all well and good
to talk about equal rights
until some man loses his job.
How's that equal?
Yeah. And it's worse when
they take away our favors
'cause we're used to gettin' 'em.
Now, hold on, Hank.
I'm all for ladies wrestling,
except when they do it in puddin'.
That's just demeaning to the human
beings who make puddin'.
Ever since they had that big
women's conference in Beijing,
co-ed sports has been
the number-2 priority
on the international
feminite agenda.
You want to know what
the number-one priority is?
Please, not right now, Dale.
Co-ed bathrooms.
[snorts]
It will be a cold day in hell
before we institute that
in the Gribble home.
Bobby was on the verge
of getting a nickname.
I thought you were keeping busy
teaching girls how to
blow up basketballs.
When did this turn into a
desire to ruin wrestling?
Oh, gimme a break. I don't see why
having a girl on the team would ruin it.
Did a woman judge ruin
the Supreme Court, huh?
Yes. And that woman's
name was Earl Warren.
[door opening]
Take a seat, debutantes.
I got an announcement.
Because of unprecedented interest
in wrestling this year,
I decided to hold tryouts on Friday.
Instead of a guaranteed
spot on the team,
this year, it'll be based on ability.
[boys sighing disappointedly]
I know it isn't fair.
But, apparently, that's what
some people like to call "progress."
First match,
Kaiser versus Gutierrez,
Fino versus McJimsy,
Souphanousinphone
versus Hill.
[gasping]
[gasping]
[gasping]
[laughing]
[gasping]
You got her into this, Peggy hill.
You can't abandon Connie now.
She need help.
She need training.
Oh, I want to, Minh.
I feel responsible.
Connie is picking up the softball bat
that was ripped out of my hands as a girl
by that little man from the Little League
but then Bobby, Bobby's my only son.
I—I don't know if I could choose.
Choose Connie.
But Bobby's my only--
That not my problem.
Choose Connie.
Oh, what do I do?
What do I do?
Choose Connie.
Choose Connie.
Okay.
We try "outside ankle breakdown."
Luanne, try to stop me.
Connie, you got the 4-color pen?
You take good note this time.
[sighs]
[grunting]
[chuckles]
[munching]
HANK:
Bill, for crying out loud!
I was listenin'.
Wrestling a girl.
That's a tough one, Bobby.
If you win, you get the shame
of having beat up a girl.
If you lose, you just better hope
she snaps your neck.
That's the quickest way.
Yeah, man. Dang ol' danged if you do,
danged if you don't.
Dad, what am I gonna do?
I'm danged here.
I'm royally danged.
Now, the key to wrestling
is the ability to explode.
The way I figure it,
if you can explode your way out
of underneath
the piece of wet carpet,
you can beat any 12-year-old
in the county.
All right, here we go.
1, 2, 3.
[Bobby grunting]
Explode!
Explode, boy!
Come on, Bobby, light the fuse.
You're a keg of dynamite!
That's it, boy.
You got him where you want him.
[Bobby grunting]
Time to really explode!
[Bobby struggling]
Keg of dynamite!
Hey, Hill!
A bunch of us decided
that if you don't
beat that girl tomorrow,
we don't know what we'll do.
So you'd better beat her.
Guys, there's no way I can lose.
I'm in the best shape of my life.
Hey, there she is.
Watch this.
How are you doing, Connie?
[boys snickering]
Can we please just forget
I ever said anything
about this stupid
wrestling thing?
What? No!
I go out on a giant
limb for you, Kahn Jr.
If you lose, you
no longer my son.
[sobbing]
[whirring]
“Why don't you edit
the yearbook, Peggy?
[grunts]
you're so good with paste
and scissors, Peggy."
Oh, yeah!
"your arms are so strong,
why don't you stir
punch at the prom?"
Luanne!
Quarters!
[Peggy groaning]
I'm sorry, little Jeffrey.
Mmm, that's Bobby.
Oh, yeah.
I wanted to call him Jeffrey,
but some man wouldn't let me.
You mean Uncle Hank?
[burps]
[moans]
Huh?
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]
Remember, take old
playmate down hard and fast.
Mom capture everything
on video camera,
include in
Harvard application.
Dad, I'm not even
in high school yet.
You never get there
with that attitude.
You're next, Hill.
I just wish your mom was here to see you.
[laughs]
she wanted to be here,
but she had to sleep in.
Son, I know everyone's been
filling your head with crazy stuff.
but I just want you to know this:
Connie killed your frog.
[whistles]
[grunting]
Atta boy, Bobby!
Way to go, Kahn Jr.!
[Connie exclaiming]
[audience gasping]
[screaming triumphantly]
[exclaiming gleefully]
[growls]
[roaring]
[screeching]
Ooh!
[grunting]
[yells]
[audience applauding]
What the hell is going on here?
That's not olympic-style wrestling!
Nope, that's real wrestling.
[audience cheering]
[screams]
[audience gasps]
[grunts]
I want to go to a party school.
Yeah! Chico state.
[roaring]
[makes chop-socky sounds]
[grunting]
She zombified him.
Snap out of it, Bobby.
[grunts]
[grunts]
Oh, that's gotta hurt.
Think they've had enough?
Not yet.
[yelling]
My eyes!
[Kahn laughs]
Connie, no mercy!
Finish him!
[grunts]
[audience cheering]
Why are you smiling?
Oh, did Bobby crush that
poor girl and her dreams?
Nope.
So, that little
witch whipped my boy?
No, they figured a way out.
Listen to the cheers, Peggy.
I think they both won.
Oh, yeah!
Ow!
Look at him explode!
That's my boy!
That's our boy!
That's our Jeffrey!
[audience cheering]
COACH:
Ooh! That's gotta hurt!