King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 2, Episode 12 - Meet the Manger Babies - full transcript

[theme music]

[birds chirping]

Uh, just my luck!

The Super Bowl party's
in 10 days

and my television goes on
the disabled list.

Why don't we just get a new TV?

Well, I wish that was possible, son,

but the terrible truth is that America,

the best country
in the history of the world,

no longer makes television sets.

If I let this one fall apart,



I let a piece of America die.

Well, couldn't we just buy,
like, a Japanese one?

Bobby, go to your room.

[humming]

Luanne, telephone!
It's Buckley!

[gasps]

Hello, Buckley.

What?

Ah! Oh!

Of course not.

We could go to
the outlet stores next week.

It's not like they're having
a sale or anything.

They have
everyday low prices.

[sighs]



Why are people so mean,
Aunt Peggy?

It's been 2,000 years
since Jesus was born,

but we're still
acting like cavemen.

Oh, honey.

Peggy, we're going
shopping

for the Super Bowl party,
not your feminine items.

Diet soda?

Hank,

we have got a situation here.

Luanne has come down
with a bad case of the "why me's?"

come on, do something
to cheer her up, please.

[sighing]

Hey, uh, Luanne?

Me and Bobby are heading
over to the Mega Lo Mart.

You want to go for a ride?

Is it okay if I don't feel
like talking?

Sure. Why not?

[sighs]

It's not just Buckley.
It's everything.

The world's going to pieces.

I mean, look at any newspaper.

Aliens are getting autopsies

and devil-babies
are being born every day.

Well, that may
be true, Luanne,

but it's up to each of us

to make the world
a better place.

Take me, for example.

I sell a clean-burning,
energy-efficient fuel.

Oh, well, do you think
I could sell propane?

[laughs]

No, what I'm saying is

you've got to find
your own calling.

Yeah, you're probably right.

You're always probably right.

Garage sale.

[tires screeching]

This is it.

One deflection coil,
made in the UF of A.

With this in our set,
the only thing beyond our control

is the size of the NFC victory.

Why don't we just watch the
game at Mr. Dauterive's house?

I like it there.

He keeps snacks
in his couch cushions.

No, Bobby.
The Super Bowl party goes:

Bill, Hank, Dale, Boomhauer.

This is Hank year, and I want
everything to be perfect.

People are still talking
about Super Bowl XXIV.

Boomhauer's dip was so thick,

our chips were snapping like
Joe Theisman's birdie leg.

[gasps]

Oh!

My name is Luanne.
What's yours?

I'm Mr. Cat.
"meow" do you do?

[giggling]

You're pretty good with those.

Mmm, I used to play
with the puppets

all the time, with the social worker.

Hey, uh, how much
for the puppets?

[gasps]

You mean it?

Well, if it costs 25 cents
to make you smile, it's a bargain.

Look, dad! An old wig!

[sighs]

Bobby, take that off.

I'm not saying it was
a miracle, Reverend Thomason,

but I don't usually trip into boxes.

I think God has a plan for me.

And it involves puppets.

Luanne, I--I like the idea
of a Christian puppet show,

but try to see things
from my perspective,

as the spiritual leader
of this congregation.

We just laid new carpet
in the activities room.

You put 30 kids in there
and lose their attention…

[grunts]

fruit punch all over
my new carpet.

Oh, please just hear me out.

You know how baby Jesus
was born in a manger?

Ok, baby Jesus was
born in a manger.

Now, what if,
Reverend, what if,

the barnyard animals
who witnessed

the miracle birth
of the son of God,

had a show of their own?

Mmm-hmm.

But Jesus only spent
a few days in the manger,

and after Luke 2:16,
there's no mention of the animals.

Are you sure?

Trust me, Luanne.

After he leaves the manger,

the bible pretty much
sticks with Jesus.

Well, maybe that's good,

because then the animals
are kind of like us.

They're just waiting
for Jesus to come back.

And in the meantime,

don't you think they'd have
all sorts of crazy adventures?

I call it the Manger Babies.

[giggles]

We're headlining next week
in the Activities Room.

Ha. Manger Babies,
how do you like that?

This is gonna be
a great show, Luanne.

I know.

But now I've got so much
work to do.

I have to write a script,
build a puppet theater,

learn to talk
without moving my lips.

If you want
you can make a theater

out of that old
refrigerator box in the garage.

I keep it pretty clean.

Oh, Uncle Hank,

[rasping voice]
Thank you.

Uh, hey, who said that?

[laughs]

You're doing
a great job, Luanne.

Yup.

Yup.

Mmm-hmm.

Thanks, guys. But if you have
any suggestions--

[men chattering]

DALE:
You might want to spell
"theater" "r-e."

It looks classier that way.

For those of you who missed
my sermon this morning,

I’d like to remind you

that spilling anything
on a new carpet is a sin.

Now, please give a warm
welcome to Miss Luanne Platter.

[audience applauding]

Once upon a time,

almost 2,000's of years ago

our lord and savior,
Jesus Christ, was born,

in a manger.

And in that manger,
there were the cutest little animals.

[music playing]

This is their story.

♪ After Jesus left and Herod came ♪

♪ Demanding first-born sons ♪

♪ He cast an evil spell on them ♪

♪ Freezing everyone ♪

♪ Yes, baby, I bought a nativity scene ♪

♪ At a yard sale secondhand ♪

♪ They came to life and then, amen! ♪

♪ I met the Manger Babies ♪

There's Obediah the donkey.
He says: heehaw.

Hosea the cat: meow, meow.

An octopus, too:
Gurgle, gurgle.

But let's not forget
a very British bird,

Sir Reginald Featherbottom III.

Charmed, I'm sure,
guvnor.

♪ They are the Manger Babies ♪

♪ Getting in trouble the Manger Babies ♪

♪ Spreading that message
of love, Manger Babies ♪

♪ Manger Babies! ♪

[audience applauding]

Darn it! I left a finish nail
sticking out a quarter inch.

Hank. Shush.

Today's episode,

going to the movies.

Who wants to go to the movies?

Heehaw, I do.
Heehaw.

Uh-oh!

There are 5 of us,
and I only have 4 tickets.

One of us blokes could
sneak in, what, what!

Count me out!

Isn't sneaking wrong?

Heehaw, everybody's
doing it. Heehaw.

Gurgle, gurgle.

“Meow-kay," let's go.

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ We're going to the movies ♪

♪ La la la la la ♪

Yeah, but it reflects poorly
on my craftsmanship.

That's all I'm saying.

Hank, you're the only one
who notices.

[murmuring]

Yeah, yeah. You know what
I think, shawdy work, huh.

Here you go, 4 tickets.

But there are 5 of you.

You were trying
to sneak into the movies.

You Manger Babies are
in a lot of trouble.

I'm locking you
in a closet.

[gasps]

No! No!

And that's why you shouldn't
sneak into the movies.

The end.

GIRL:
The end--the end.

Hmm.

[children murmuring]

BOY #1:
Well, do they get out
of the closet?

Uh, sure, I guess.

BOY #2:
I don't think it's the end.

How?

How do they get out?

Um...

[sighs]

I'm bored.

[gasping]

BOY #3:
I don't understand.

[crying]

LUANNE:
Okay, Luanne,

how do they get
out of the closet?

[gasps]

Oh!

No, that won't work.

[whispering]
Jimmy the lock with a coat hanger.

What?

I don't. I can't.

Hmm, what?

Jimmy the lock with the...

uh…

I'll save you, Manger Babies.

You will?

[clears throat]
Yes.

Uh, 'cause I'm the assistant
manager of this movie theater.

I sell popcorn and
popcorn accessories.

And you are fired.

We're free! We're free!

[children cheering]

BOY #4:
I knew they....

Thank you, assistant manager.

“Meow" can we
ever repay you?

By never forgetting
this lesson:

Sneaking into the movies
is wrong.

As wrong as spilling juice
on a new carpet.

Bravo! Bravo!

You know, Luanne really shouldn't
waste this kind of talent on church.

If you want, I could show her
tape to my boss at Channel 84.

He's always lookin' for
quality children's programming

and home videos
of things blowin' up.

Well, Luanne really could
use a boost right now.

But I could not take advantage
of our friendship like that. No.

Oh, Peggy, honey,
this is show business.

[laughing]

That's what friends do.

Done.

All right, Bobby, it's safe to plug
her back in now.

Uh, oh, okay.

Another Super Bowl,
another can of scotchguard.

It would be a lot simpler
if you would just ask Bill

not to wipe his hands
on the cushions.

I got a better idea.

You sit here.

Boomhauer, Dale,
me and Bobby will sit here.

We'll do a zone defense
around the chips.

What if Bill tries scrambling
around the coffee table?

He doesn't have that kind
of quickness, Peggy.

Not anymore.

Uh, Aunt Peggy,

Could you please pull
your car out of the garage?

Me and the Babies
need to rehearse.

The TV station
could call any minute.

They'd be crazy not to.

That was the best dang
Christian puppet show

I have ever seen. Ever.

Well…

[giggles]

I couldn't have done it
without your help, Uncle Hank.

You saved the day.

That's why this time,

I wrote a part
especially for you.

Well, that's
very nice, Luanne,

but my appearance
was one night only.

But you got to do it.

Well, who else am I
gonna get to play God?

God?

Sure.

You were great as the hero
of my last show, so I figured,

why not have you play
the greatest hero of 'em all?

[laughs]

I tell you what,
Luanne, uh,

just as soon as I finish
turning beer into water,

I'll meet you in the garage.

Great!

[sighs]

She made me God.

Hey, if you're God,
I guess that makes me Jesus.

[gasps]

Bobby, honey,
you really shouldn't say that.

That is for Luanne to decide.

Let there be light.

And it was good.

Yeah, that's super, Uncle Hank.

But can we get back to the script?

We're at the part where you
meet your archenemy.

Bobby's G.I. Joe?

Joe Six Pack.

He's a drunk driver
who died in a car crash

and was sent to hell.

And then he borrowed Satan's
pick-up truck without asking

and trashed it,
so got kicked out of hell.

And now he roams the earth,
riding buses and doing evil.

Like he won't call you
on your birthday

and he throws
beer bottles at your head.

What? He crashed a truck?

You will feel my wrath.

[laughing]

What're you
throwing out, grandpa?

The money I poured into
the social security system?

[chuckling]

It's for Luanne's puppet show.

I'm playing God.

Well, maybe we ought to ask God

who's gonna win the Super Bowl.

Going to win? The game was
pre-taped 6 months ago

in the same Nevada hangar
where they faked the moon landing.

Yeah, man, it's like that
dang old Capricorn One, man,

a good movie, but they
ain't gonna fake no

stayin' on the ground like
that little dude, that old Neil Armstrong.

Well, I hope you're
ready for that party, Hank,

because you only got…

4 more days till the Super Bowl.

Bill, the Super Bowl is in 3 days.

Oh, damn.

Oh.

God's not angry on that line.
He's vengeful.

Let's try it again.

PEGGY:
Luanne,

it's the TV station.

[gasps]

Hello. Uh-huh.

Oh, Hank,
look how excited she is!

You know, just a few days ago,
she was talking like,

like the world
was coming to an end.

You're a good man.

Man?

[squeals]

We did it! We did it!

Channel 84 is putting
Manger Babies on the air!

It's UHF, Uncle Hank,
ultrahigh frequency.

Oh, Luanne, you have
thrust your hands

into somethin' wonderful this time.

We had better get back to work.

We got a whole hour to fill on Sunday.

That doesn't give us
much time to get ready.

I mean, Sunday is...

Sunday?

Now, is that before
or after the Super Bowl?

During. Can you believe it?

They put us on against the
highest-rated television event of the year

because they know we're the
one show that can beat it.

[sighs]

It's a huge responsibility,
but I know I can do it

with God on my side.

[sighs]

[laughing nervously]

Uncle Hank, I just realized
my octopus only has 6 legs.

Hmm..

If I call him a "sextopus,"

do you think
I'll offend sensibilities?

Uh, I'm sure you'll figure it
out before Super Sunday.

I call it "Super Sunday"

because that's when
they play the Super Bowl,

this Sunday.

Uh-huh.

[sighs]

I guess what I'm trying to say is,

I'm gonna stay home
and watch the game.

What? But you're in my show.

Luanne, the Super Bowl
is an event.

We're having a party.
I'm the host.

So, you mean
you're not coming?

[sniffles]

Uh, no, that's not
what I said, exactly.

I said I'm gonna
watch the game.

But it could end early
due to injuries

or a terrorist attack.

Yeah, who knows?

[chuckling]

You think I want
to miss the Super Bowl?

No, sir, I've got
enough money on this game

to cover the bath I took
on the Dinah Shore Classic.

But I will sit
through that puppet show

because Luanne asked me to.

Uh, come on,

I'll be God some other time, like,
uh, Easter.

That's during baseball season.
Who cares?

Hank, Luanne believes in you.

How can you allow
sufferin' in her world

when you have the power
to prevent it?

Suffering is a part of every religion,
Peggy, I mean,

look at what the Jews have been through,

and you never hear them complaining.

MAN ON TV:
♪ Home of the ♪

♪ Brave ♪

[crowd cheering]

Okay, who had 3 minutes
and 40 seconds?

Boomhouer: Yo!

Well, goodbye, Hank.
Enjoy the “Selfish Bowl."

Uh, Luanne, I want you to know,

if Uncle Hank let you down,

honey, it doesn't mean
that the world is a bad place.

Oh, yes, it does.

Mmm.

Check it out!
Look at that play!

[hooting]

[Hip-hop music on TV]

Made it to the commercial.

What the hell do Tina Turner's legs

have to do with auto insurance?

Oh!

Hey!
Wait a minute.

This just in from the Super Bowl.

With 48 seconds left in the first quarter,

it's 63 degrees and partly cloudy.

Now stay tuned for the premiere

of Luanne Platter's Manger Babies.

What are you doing, Hank?

If I wanted to spend Super Bowl
Sunday staring at my wife,

I would have married
Fran Tarkenton.

I didn't do anything.

[crowd cheering]

Lord Jesus, please....

Ooh, Uncle...

Oh.

Ok, Luanne,
you're on in 5, 4,

3, 2...

[Manger Babies music playing]

Hey, look at this!
He's broken free!

Yeah!

ALL:
Go! Go! Go!

The Manger Babies...

Come on, man!
Turn it back.

I didn't change it.

Oh!

Damn, we missed it!

Well, at least we get to watch
him dance in the end zone.

That's right. Come on.

Uh-huh, uh-huh!

Okay—

DALE:
Oh, come on, switch it back.

Hey, man, come on, man.

What the hell is this?

BILL:
What is this we are watching?

Come on, Manger Babies.

I'll give you a ride.

We don't need it.

God is the designated
driver tonight.

God doesn't care about you.

How can you say that?

God does care,
and he will show it.

[sighs]

This is getting old, Hank.

It's not me. I--

It's this damn remote control.

Bill must have dripped
crumbs in it or somethin'.

[crowd yelling]

[birds chirping]

Maybe God had a flat tire or...

What the hell is going on?

All I know is, this is the part of
the movie where I start thinking,

“Why don't they just
get out of the house?"

Don't be an idiot, Luanne.

God's not coming.

He's watching the Super Bowl.
Now, get in.

Heehaw, we better
do what he says. Heehaw.

Well, he is our only ride.

Luanne, no!
Don't get in the car!

[door opens]

Heehaw,

if God doesn't get here soon,
we're all going to die.

Maybe it's best that we do die.

Who wants to live
in a world without God?

You're right.

Hey!

Joe Six Pack,

Why don't you just point your car
at those oncoming headlights

and let's get this thing
over with.

[audience gasps]

[screaming]

Oh, my God!

Yes, I have come.

Oh!

Thank you, Uncle...

Lord, we never stopped
believing in you.

The Manger Babies' faith
has been rewarded.

You are all saved.

[children cheering]

And as for you, Joe Six Pack,

anyone who drinks and drives
is a real jackass.

Heehaw!

Hey!

[children applauding]

[laughing]

[children chattering]

So, Hank, how does it feel
doin' the right thing?

Pretty good, I guess.

Of course,
not as good as getting

to watch the end
of the Super Bowl.

Ah, the Super Bowl's
always a blowout.

This puppet show,
it was a real knuckle-biter.

Oh, my lord!
It's Troy Aikman!

What are you
doing here, son? Sir?

Well, it's kind of a funny story.

Some guys were snapping
towels in the locker room,

so I went to bible study
to get some perspective on it.

And I saw a flier
for this puppet show.

Sort of a little miracle,
I—I guess.

You know, it was kind of a miracle
that brought me here, too.

You see, I was watching my TV.

And it started
flipping channels.

Mom, I hope you don't mind,

but I borrowed the batteries
from your remote control.

What remote control?
I--I don't have a remote control.

Sure you do,in your purse.

The universal remote
that can change

a channel on any
brand of television.

I borrowed the batteries
for my game boy.

When?

Before the Super Bowl.

But if the remote
had no batteries,

how did I...

Or after the Super Bowl.
I don't remember.

[mystical instrumental music]

[theme music]

BILL:
That's right, come on.