King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 13, Episode 21 - The Honeymooners - full transcript

Ripped By mstoll

Gentlemen, today I achieved
a significant milestone.

I killed my ten-thousandth rat.

Mrs. Dunphy's Weimaraner
gets co-credit,

but I got my mallet in there.

Wow, man, Wow.

Like a dang ol'
exclusive club, man.

Well, congratulations, Dale.

That's exciting news.

Look who's telling
me about exciting.

The man who stood
behind Waylon Jennings



on an escalator!

Well, I was five people back.

OCTAVIO:
Hey Gribble,

the trophy shop said

this was the biggest plaque
they had.

Thank you, Octavio.

Eh, he was supposed
to be mid-roar.

Uh, so, Bill,

what have you been up to?

I, uh...

I gave my ten-thousandth
Army haircut.

Mm-hmm.

And I'm getting a plaque.

Wait a second.



I feel like I saw that
in a movie or something.

You disguised certain
facts, esse,

but that story is Gribble's
intellectual property.

Bill, tell us something
that's happened to you.

Well... recently
I stole Dale's story

and tried to pass it off
as mine.

(crying)

I'm a boring man
and I have no life.

(crying)

So, Boomhauer,
what's new with you?

CONNIE:
Did you guys hear what happened

last night?

Someone broke into the art room

and ate all the macaroni
projects.

I heard some janitors talking

about weird stuff
going on here at night.

Showers turning on
by themselves.

Mysterious toilet cloggings.

Sounds like Prom Queen Mary
is back.

Who's Prom Queen Mary?

The ghost of a former
Tom Landry prom queen.

She was decapitated when
a basketball hoop collapsed

under the weight
of too much crepe paper.

Every prom season,
she comes back.

She still wants to dance.

The headless prom queen is back!

What else could it be?

Move along, kids.

You want to have a conversation,

do it in the back of class.

Principal Moss,

have you heard anything

about Tom Landry being haunted

by a headless prom queen?

No, we had a couple kids choke
on erasers, but no hauntings.

I'd probably remember
something like that.

Joseph, tomorrow night

we are getting video proof
of Prom Queen Mary!

CHAD:
Before Debbie gets here,

I didn't exactly tell her
you were my roommate.

I said you were my gay butler.

Oh, no, you didn't!

(laughing)

Here comes trouble!

LEIF (on TV): Dude,
she's not gonna buy it.

When I slept with
Debbie last night,

I told her I was
a race car driver.

CHAD (on TV):
Oh, no, you didn't!

(laughs)

Those roommates!

Aren't they funny?

That's it!

I was watching TV last night,

and I figured out what was
missing from my life.

Everything, except a TV?

A roommate!

It will transform my life

from gritty drama
to bright new comedy!

Hey, hey, whoa, man.
That's madness.

Now, hold on there, Bill.

Why don't you start small and
work your way up to a roommate?

What about that fighting fish
you've had your eye on?

Nope, roommate!

Bill, guys your age
don't get roommates

unless they're in prison.

And that only works

because they have
something in common.

No, Hank, having a roommate will
be instant fun all the time.

Roommates go on double dates,
they swap clothes.

When the phone rings,

and it's a person
you're avoiding,

you can whisper, "I don't want
to talk to him,"

and your roommate will say,
"He's right here."

That's hilarious!

Bill, you and your
roommate crack me up.

What can possibly happen next?

Everyone, slow down.

Bill, if you weren't you
and you met you,

would you want to live with you?

Well, maybe not,
but someone will.

I placed this ad online.

"Roommate urgently wanted
for fun, good times,

"and getting in and out of jams.

"I'm up for anything.

Anything."

Think I'll get any responses?

Unfortunately, yes.

Bill, whoever you get
affects us, too.

(sighs)

I'm sorry, but we're taking over
your roommate search.

I still get final decision,
right?

Yes.

But we reserve ultimate
decision.

Fair enough.

As an artist,

I'm not able to pay rent.

But I will fill
your home with art.

Over there,
I see a rusty bathtub

filled with bicycle parts
and urine.

Sounds beautiful.

Here's two keys...
No.

I-I-I don't want the small room.

I want the big room-- your room.

Okay. When can you...

And I changed my mind.

I want both rooms--
All the rooms!

And a sign in front that says
"Jimmy's House."

I don't hear a deal-breaker.

Bill.

So I'm Kadee Calhoun.

I recently got divorced,
so I'm looking for a new place.

I hostess at Luly's and...

(gasps): Are you the
same Kadee Calhoun

who was Miss March, 1978?

Why, yes I am.

Oh, God...

Tum-ons: Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
And mopeds.

Turnoffs: war.

Do you still miniature golf
in the nude

or was that just
for the picture?

Wow... you really remember.

I have a memory for things
I look at all the time.

Well, those pictures
were taken a lifetime ago.

Now, I'm just focused
on my career,

staying positive,
and finding a place to live.

I hope I'm what
you're looking for.

Well, Kadee Calhoun,
I am quite confident

that you've...
Got to keep looking.

Good luck with that.

Bill, you'd just get

emotionally involved
with someone like her.

No, no, no!
No, I wouldn't.

Look at her!
She needs me.

We're here to find
a middle-aged guy

with a job, that's it.

Sorry for wasting your time,

Miss, uh... March.

Remember, it's Luanne's
wedding video in here,

so we don't want to tape over it
unless we are positive

it's a ghost.
(rattling)

What's that rattling?

Is it the spirit board?

Maybe she's trying
to tell us something.

No, I couldn't find
the spirit board,

so I brought Word Scramble.

Maybe she's trying to tell us
something in spelling.

(gasps);
Joseph!

Those are not human words!

JOSEPH: She's in
the science lab!

She's trying to
reanimate herself!

(door creaking)

Run!

(both screaming)

Here's a good way to save money.

Instead of throwing away
calendars, save them

and use them again
in seven to 14 years.

Huh.
(phone ringing)

Hello?

Dad, you have to come get us.

Bobby? Where are you?

We're in the girls'
bathroom at school.

It's actually not that
different.

And there is some
creepy stuff going on.

(sighs):
I'll be right there.

Don't touch anything.

I can't believe

you kids broke into the school

over this nonsense.

Bobby, you're grounded.

Joseph, I'm sure your dad

will have his own
punishment for you.

Oh, I will.

For starters, mister,
you will be my shield

when we encounter the
headless prom queen.

Dale, there is no prom queen.

(screams)

(Yawns)

I didn't hear the bell.

Is it first period already?

When my wife and I split up,

she got the money and the house,
and I was living in the car.

Then she got the car, too,

so this is the logical choice.

I can't believe
Principal Moss is living

at Tom Landry Middle School.

I know, with a ghost!

You fellas have time to stay
for a health film?

I know the good ones.

Carl, you can't keep
sleeping at the school.

I know that, Hank.

But I had a hell of a run.

Wait a sec.

The solution to everyone's
problem is right here.

No, it's not.

Bill, meet your new roommate.

You got Skinemax?

Yes.

Let's do it.

I'll just get the crate
of little milks,

and that's all my stuff.

Please, Hank.

I want adventure and
fun-loving good times.

Carl smells like sloppy joes.

Carl is the perfect
roommate for you.

One, he'll be able to pay rent.

Were you gonna give me a "two"?

Dang it,
you don't need a "two."

(mumbles):
Do need a two.

Sure gonna be different
sleeping in a place

where bells don't go off
every 50 minutes.

Well, I know you guys are
eager to make a chore wheel,

so I'm gonna get
out of your way.

Well, let's make
the best of this.

What do you want to do first?

Buy a foosball table?

Crash a wedding?

I should pick up some deodorant.

I've been using blackboard chalk

under my arms
for the last three months.

(sighs)

Let's go.

Uh, it seems we're after

the same pack of party napkins.

May I offer a compromise?

You and your friend can wipe
your faces with them

at a pizza party
my roommate and I are throwing.

(giggling)

Only if you let
my roommate and me

bring this giant thing
of margarita mix.

You guys got a blender?

Hey, Bill?

Which of these bad boys
fits better, you think?

My 'rhoids are murder.

(sighs)
Excuse us.

(Signs)

They both look nice.

Bobby, with Principal Moss
living nearby,

the most important
homework you could do

is to cozy up to him.

I get it.

You say "suck up,"
I say "how high?"

Exactly.

He is almost done
with his cigarette.

When he finishes, I want
you to go out there and...

Aw, too late.

He started another one.

Damn.

(gasps):
He'll need an ashtray!

Go!

So we call it
the "Bully Awards."

And when the bullies
come onstage

to accept their prize,
we pack them up

and ship them to another school.

Mm-hmm.

What's the story
with Gribble's wife?

Uh, I'll just freshen this up.

DALE: Thanks for
having us over, guys.

(gasps):
I love the literacy posters.

Is that your touch, Carl?

They're covering some
holes in the plaster.

Carl had a little
too much to drink

and thought his shadow
was attacking him.

Uh, okay,
jacks or better to open.

Carl, why don't you
put on some shoes?

It's okay to walk
around barefoot

when it's just you and me,
but we have company.

Oh, right, your fancy party that
you've been planning for days.

Well, here it is,

the social event of the season.

MOSS: Is it everything
you dreamed of, Bill?

We'll talk about it later.

It never stops.

"Carl, put on your shoes.

"Carl, get up so I can vacuum.

Carl, don't fall asleep
on the toilet."

Try living with that.

Um...

we're still looking
for our jacks.

You see how he is?

And another thing,
Carl swore he didn't eat

all my mustard,
but I know he did.

Tonight, after he vomits,
I'll have my proof.

You still yappin'
about that mustard?

Oh, look who's back.

BOOMHAUER:
Aw, man, look,

talkin' about
a dang ol' cat fight, man.

(hissing)

Man, I'm getting
out of here, man.

I'm out, too.

I'm Boomhauer's
designated walker.

Yeah, uh...

Yeah, I might not have
set my parking brake.

(groans)

That one went in my beer!

(chuckles):
That's the kind of thing

if you were trying to do it,
you just couldn't.

(groans):
Oh, I hate you!

I could have had
a Miss March living here

instead of you!

Hank was wrong!

And now I'm gonna
make things right!

Table for one? Bill!

I'm here under false pretenses.

I already had a big lunch,
and I,

I don't need a table for one.

I have a house for two.

Kadee, will you be my roommate?

Yeah, I'm still looking,
so sure.

Oh! You've made
me so happy!

And this happiness
makes me hungry.

Table for one.

That's the last of it.

I'm giving Carl
five more minutes,

and then I'm putting
him on this pile.

All of this could have
been avoided

with an egg timer
in the bathroom.

It got Peggy and me

through the roughest patch
in our marriage.

I feel bad we're throwing

Carl out of the house.

Me, too.

But we'll watch movies

and eat popcorn
and forget all about it.

Bill, you always
make me feel better.

Guess I'll go check
out the closet space.

(sighs)

Bill, this is going to go badly.

Extremely badly.

And when it does,
don't come crying to me.

(laughs)

You should write some
of this down, Hank.

If Kadee and I end up
getting married,

you'll need funny stuff
for your best man speech.

12:05. It's checkout
time at Casa Dauterive.

Carl, I need the room.

Carl?

(gasps)
MOSS: Bill.

Guess who thinks
I've got cute feet?

It's weird, Bill.

It started as a good-bye hug
and just kept going.

Guess some days it just pays

not to get out of
bed, huh, William?

Mm-hmm, well, Kadee and I
have a lot of roommate stuff

to go over, Carl,
so you're in the way.

Time to leave.

Let's hear what the
lady has to say.

Face it, Bill.

Things would get kind of boring
with just the two of us.

(sighs)

Bill, I'm gonna need my pillow.

I'll go get it.

♪ ♪

(Kadee and Moss giggle)

Hey, Bill.
What's new?

It's like I don't see
you anymore.

We're out of O.J., roomie.

Yeah, things are great.

Kadee and Carl get along
fabulously,

thank goodness.

And Kadee's got so much energy.

She's always dashing out
in the middle of the night

or getting strange phone calls

from a really
impolite Russian guy.

(snickers)

Or warning me not
to touch all these

mysterious boxes she's got.

Life's good.

(chuckles, sighs)

Well, looks like
you've got company.

(Russian accent):
This Kadee's house?

I have many boxes for her.

It's my house, actually.

I, I think we've chatted
on the phone.

My name is...

Go away, Yankee Doodle.

We'll call you if we need you.

Okay. Nice night
for a stroll.

Uh, thought I'd come in.

I've got to get up
in four hours.

Bill, we have an interesting
opportunity here.

Kadee and her ex-husband,
Yuri, have lots

of authentic-looking
merchandise

at low, low prices.

They even get all the hit
Hollywood movies

while they're still
in the theaters.

Eye-popping CGI, man.

And because he's the principal,

handsome here said
we could sell our things

at Tom Landry Middle School.

Especially the movies.

That way, kids won't
be downloading them

off the Internet,
which is illegal.

(coughs)

Is fake vodka.

(glass breaking)
Now I ready to crash.

No! I'm putting my foot down.

Yuri, Carl, I want you both out!

Kadee, I still want
to live with you

but you need a better attitude.

We split difference.

Everybody stay.

Even you.

MOSS (over P.A.): Attention,
students and faculty.

Today's fire drill is canceled

so you can take advantage
of a fire sale.

So stop by
the principal's office

for some A+ merchandise

at D-minus prices.

That's my neighbor!

(speaking Russian)

Bill won't admit it, but I know

something's going on over there.

Yesterday, that Yuri
tried to sell me

Tim Conway's Dorf On Golf 8.

Everyone knows that's not coming
out for another six months.

Like all Russians, he's just
after your blue jeans.

I'm afraid to put
our laundry on the line.

I'm pooped.

School was exhausting.

But the bargains
were incredible.

Why are you wearing
a girl's purse?

It's a Louis Vuitton backpack
and it's unisex.

Question: Does the Devil
wear Prada?

I don't know,
but the propane salesman does.

And Mom,

I have nothing up my sleeve,
except...

Hermes scarves.

(gasps, giggles)

Bobby, where did
all this stuff come from?

Principal Moss had
a special sale.

He even threw in this Cartier
'cause we're neighbors.

All right, that's it.

I'm going over there.

Hank, wear your Prada!

Look who changed mind.

One Dorf on Golf coming up.

I'm not here to buy
an illegal comedy product.

Let me talk to Bill.

Fat man! Visitor!

Hi, Hank.

I'd invite you in,

but we only have
four fondue forks.

Bill, you can drop the act.

I know your roommates
are running

a counterfeit goods operation.

Are they? (laughs)

Those nutty nuts.

Look, I know I said
when this thing blows up,

don't come crying to me.

Well, you can come cry to me.

(whines)

The important thing is
that you agree

to stop making decisions
for yourself.

Yes, Hank.

Now, we gotta move fast

before you get even more
got-dang roommates.

I think the problem is,

I don't have enough roommates.

I have an idea.

That sounds like decision talk.

Please, Hank.

Give me one more chance
to fix this myself.

All right.

I supervise a lot of
math teachers, Yuri,

and your dividing by three
skills need a lot of work.

You forgot overhead.

Magic markers, white-out...

BILL:
So, here's the place.

Oh, hi.

This is Octavio
and his brothers.

They're gonna be
living here, too,

as my guests.

From now on, I park
in the driveway, esse.

Driveway space is mine.

Roommate vote.

Who wants the scary
new guys to leave?

Who wants the scary
new guys to stay?

Tiebreaker!

If the dude filming this takes
one more call on his cell, man,

I'm turning this off!

Who drank my soy milk?

I didn't see no name on it.

I drew a bunny on it.
Same thing!

Hey, we're not taking crap
from an ex-centerfold.

You listen to me.

Once a bunny, always a bunny!

Uh-oh, are my roommates
not getting along?

Maybe a few of you
want to move out.

Casual Encounter?

South of Rainey Street is mine
for perfume, esse.

Is different demographic.

Don't be baby.

Baby? I'll show you baby.

Let's go!
(Kadee grunts)

(crashing)

(siren wails)

Once the police get
a handle on things,

I think we'll agree that
my plan was a good one.

So I'm thinking of moving out.

Things have gotten
too complicated.

Okay.

Did I get a security
deposit from you?

(sighs)

CHAD (on TV):
Hold on.

You gave our rent money
to a phony fortune-teller?

She wasn't phony.

She predicted you'd be mad!

(canned laughter)

LEIF:
Oh, no, you didn't!

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