King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 13, Episode 20 - To Sirloin with Love - full transcript

Ripped By mstoll

Dinner is almost ready, Hank.

Turkey chili.

It sounded so crazy,
I just had to try it.

Well, I'm just gonna make
a quick call to my mom.

I haven't checked in
since yesterday.

Hello?

Greetings.

My name is Prince Jabari.

I live in Nigeria,

and I need
to use your bank account



for a short while.

Hank? Is that you?

No. It's Prince Jabari.

Hank, if you need money,
I can send you a check.

I just got adorable ones--
Covered bridges.

Okay, Mom, it is me.

I'm just trying to make sure
you're on your toes.

There are people out there

who would take advantage
of someone like you.

You're sweet to worry, honey.

Oh, I have news.

I'm getting married.

Really? Well, that's great.

I've always liked Gary.



Any man who eats that much
brisket can't be all bad.

Oh, not to Gary.

Gary and I broke up weeks ago.

What? Why?

He got paranoid, Hank.

He was always snooping around.

That's how he found out
about me and Chuck.

What...? Who's Chuck?

We met a couple of months ago.

The wedding is next weekend.

Hope you can make it, honey.

Bye.

Who's Chuck?!

I don't understand
what the heck is going on here.

How could my mother
be getting married?

They just met.

Probably got her in trouble.

When you know, you know, Hank.

But sometimes you're wrong.

Well, I tell you what.

I'm gonna give this Chuck
the once-over

as soon as I get to Arizona.

I wish I had someone
to look after me when I get old.

Maybe I'll just get a cat.

Although I hear
they eat you after you die.

Lucky for you,

the Japanese are
developing robots--

Sexy robots
to care for the elderly.

Thank God
for that tiny, perverted,

technologically advanced nation.

Well, we made it.

A road trip west that stops
before you hit California.

Pretty good in my book.

111 degrees?

Phoenix can't really be
that hot, can it?

Oh, my God, it's like
standing on the sun!

This city should not exist.

It is a monument
to man's arrogance.

Well, that must be Chuck's car.

You can learn a lot about a guy

from what he has lying
on his seat.

No time, Hank.

We are moments away

from sunstroke
and certain death.

Go, go, go!

I picked up another safety bar
for your bathroom, Mom.

Last time I was here,

I noticed a dead spot between
the shower and the toilet.

I hardly think that's necessary.

Well, you're gonna be living
in this condo a long time.

I want to make sure
it's as safe as possible.

Sounds like

pretty good advice, Tilly.

I'd listen to your son.

Chuck Garrison.

I'm the lucky guy who tricked
your mom into marrying me.

Yeah.

Aw, look at you two lovebirds.

Ready to start what's left
of your lives together.

You must be Peggy.

And that would make you Bobby.

Yes, sir.

Well, he's smooth, all right.

Come check out
my new air ionizer.

It was endorsed
by Norman Schwarzkopf.

So, Chuck, what, if anything,

do you do for a living, Chuck?

Well, I'm retired now,

but I used to own a chain
of hardware stores.

Used to, huh?

Sounds like
there's a story there.

No story.

My son runs the business now.

For a kid with only one thumb,
he's doing okay for himself.

Grandma,
is this you parasailing?

Yes.

Chuck and I went to Mexico

to celebrate his 70th birthday.

Parasailing?

Is that the kind

of daredevil stuff
you're into, Chuck?

Actually, it was Tilly's idea.

The kettle's ready.

I thought some tea
would take the chill off.

None for me.

I was thinking Chuck and I
could take a little drive.

You know what I miss most
about the hardware game?

The nails.

Galvanized,
hand-cut, roofing.

We had a nail for every mood.

Well, Chuck, I could spend
all day talking about nails--

I have-- but I got
to ask you something.

Why did you start dating my mom
when she was still with Gary?

I feel terrible about that.

I really do.

But Tilly didn't tell me
about Gary

until after they broke up.

Feels like it's
cooling down a bit.

Sure does.

Have you ever been
indicted, Chuck?

Look, Hank, I know
you just met me,

but you have nothing
to worry about.

I love your mom,
and I promise you,

her happiness
is the most important thing

in the world to me.

Well, that's good to hear.

You know what
my favorite nail is, Chuck?

The three-penny,
fluted stainless steel.

I don't know why.

I don't know.

If this were a Hugh Grant movie,

this is the moment
when he would run in.

If this were a
Julia Roberts movie,

this is the moment
when she would run out.

Welcome.

We are here today
to witness and bless

Matilda and Charles'
union of marriage.

Do you give this woman
to be married to this man?

I, uh...

Uh, well...

Uh...

yes, I do.

Congratulations, you two.

Bye.
Bye.

Ooh, they're expecting
thunderstorms in Phoenix.

Hank, call your mom

and remind her not
to use the phone.

Well, luckily, Chuck is around
to take care of my mom now.

I can stop worrying so much
and just relax.

What the heck?!

Mom, Dad,
there's a spaceship outside!

Is that Mom?

We sold our condos, Hank.

We're going
to spend our golden years

zigzagging across the country!

Yup.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no!

What's going on?

You can't live in a trailer park

so you bring trailer park
to you?

I dislike this RV
as much as you do, Kahn,

but it is my mom's.

Ah, the portrait
completes itself.

Granny rocking away
in the driveway

tapping her toes to the fiddle
and setting a spell.

Why you hate me? Why?

Dang it, I never should've
trusted that Chuck.

I take my eye off the ball
one time,

and now my mom's living
in a house

that could get T-boned
on the freeway.

I've often fantasized
about the RV lifestyle.

You live in a town

until people grow tired
of your anecdotes.

Then you pull out the chocks
and drive off.

At least the condo was safe
and stationary.

Who knows what kind of
terrible things can happen

to her on the open road?

You're right to be scared, Hank.

RVs are a one-way ticket
to meth addiction

and KOA sites
where the law has no meaning.

Tilly is about to enter a world

that she cannot change,
but will change her.

Welcome to our home.

Would you like the grand tour?

Not so grand.

This place makes my old
one-bedroom condo look

like the Hearst Castle.

Not here. Not now.

Well, I think
it's surprisingly spacious.

In fact, now that
it's fully expanded,

our driveway
is completely unusable.

This thing's got everything.

Look-- a camera so you can see
what's behind you.

Oh!

Dinner's ready, everyone!

Chuck, would you please
say grace?

Sure thing.

Thank you, God, for your bounty,

which we are about to enjoy.

And for protecting me
and the other motorists

from my wife's erratic driving.

This RV is clearly
too much car for her.

We were all over the road.

Amen.

Message received.

Potatoes, Mr. Slowpoke?

I'd love some potatoes.

We need an excuse to leave.

Blame computers.

Old people do not
understand computers.

I'm a defensive driver.

You should try it sometime.

I like getting out
of first gear.

You should try that sometime.

Yup. Potatoes.

This thing doesn't exactly
stop on a dime, Tilly.

Wow, look at that.

You're showing some emotion.

I thought I'd married
a piece of driftwood.

Emotion?

Is that what led you
to flip off that trucker?

He chased us through two mesas.

So, is this a foot
or a table I'm touching?

I'm kicking it right now.

Foot?

Table?

Must be table.

Chuck, it has
been two weeks.

you need a prescription!

Not everyone's
libido is the same!

I'm thinking about getting
a mesh screen for my gutters.

Where do you guys fall on that?

Hank, shh, shh, shh!

I can't hear the fight
over your annoying small talk.

Well, now we can drive

to Hearst Castle.

Are you kidding?

The Exxon Valdez here only
gets three feet per gallon.

We'll be lucky to make it
to the nearest White Castle.

This is what happens

when you base a relationship
on fiery passion.

I've heard.

Forget it!

I'm going for a walk.

I was going to suggest
a flying leap!

All right,
this has gone too far.

I got to do something.

Sorry you had to see that, Hank.

Look, Chuck,

I've kept my powder dry
up until now,

but I gotta tell you something.

I think this RV was a mistake.

The perm I got in the '70s
was a mistake.

This was a disaster.

So, this wasn't your idea?

No, it was your mother's.

Personally,

I prefer living in something

that doesn't require me
to do a lot of quick math

when I'm approaching
a low bridge.

Mom never mentioned
wanting an RV.

Your mom has something
of a wild streak, Hank.

It's part of why I fell for her.

The parasailing,

midnight swims
at the condo, UGGs.

I just wish Tilly and I
could get our old life back.

Huh.

Maybe you can.

I put out some feelers
at Strickland

and I think I've lined
up a buyer for the RV.

It always amazes me

what a well-placed flier
can accomplish.

And I picked up some information

about local condos for seniors.

Every unit has a spa tub.

Maybe that'll help
convince Tilly.

Convince me of what?

Well, um...

we've been talking, Mom.

We think it's best

if you and Chuck move
into another condo.

What?

What about the RV?

Well, you'd, uh, sell that.

I can take care of everything.

And you decided all of this
behind my back?

I'm sure the RV seemed
like a good idea,

but it's too dangerous.

Absolutely.

Most accidental deaths
occur either on the road

or in the bathroom.

Now you've combined the two.

It is a recipe for disaster.

And you're a part of this?

I think it's for the best.

Well, I don't.

And I'll thank you all

to keep your noses
out of my business.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to my RV.

Wait, Tilly.

Honey...

Your pajamas and your weird
pillow will be on the lawn.

It's not weird.
It's memory foam!

Morning there, Chuck.

Hope you don't mind.
I'm making some eggs.

I haven't known your mom long,

but I know she can't stay mad
when she's eating poached eggs.

Toast points.

You are pitching some woo,
Chuck Garrison.

I feel bad about last night.

I just want to put this nonsense
behind us.

What the heck?

She's gone.

Jackass.

Uh, no, officer, my mom
isn't technically a runaway,

but I still think the Amber
Alert is the way to go here.

Well, it's a dumb policy.

The woman is crazy.

She could be anywhere by now.

I demand recompense!

Stupid RV run over
my container herb garden.

Where I get mint
for mojitos now?

I don't have time for this,
Kahn.

My mom's gone missing.

Ah!

This is exactly

why I had a chip put in Nancy.

I'm worried about her out there.

She thinks cruise control
is like autopilot.

She tried to make a cup
of coffee, Hank.

I'm going to try
calling her again.

I'll have a tuna melt

and some strawberry rhubarb pie.

Ooh!

But bring the pie first.

I like you.

You're a hot ticket.

If you're heading out to see
the wildflowers off Route 9,

make sure you have
four-wheel drive.

The access road is bumpy.

Oh, yes.

I've got four wheels.

Hot ticket.

Tilly talked about going

to the Mark Twain Festival
in Sulphur Springs.

Maybe we should head
in that direction.

Good idea.

I just hope we find her
before we get there.

I do not want to get involved
in that traffic.

Hey, dang ol',
let's get going, man.

You guys don't have to come.

Of course we're coming.

We're the Three Amigos!

And Bill.

And Chuck, is it?

Dad...

can I help look
for Grandma, too?

Tomorrow is garbage day, Bobby.

I need you here.

Hot dog!

Maybe Tilly stopped in here.

She said something
about this place

having the best pies
in east Texas.

Mmm, check it out.

A couple of birds

waiting to be plucked
from a tree.

Mm-hmm,
yeah, man,

talking 'bout dang ol'
low-hangin' fruit, man.

This'll be fun to watch--

Just like an '80s
spring break movie.

Which one is going
to fall in love

before they find out
she's a prostitute?

Excuse me.

We're looking for a woman
around 70.

Probably paid with a check.

Had her own teabag.

I remember her.

She was a real live wire.

Mmm, no, wait.

She was a hot ticket.

The live Wire's still here.

She went to check out

the bluebonnets in the ravine
off Route 9.

What?!

She can't take an RV down there!

Ugh, dang it.

We gotta hurry.

You like pie?

I like pie.

Let's go, guys.

Hey, man, I'm sorry, man,
but dang ol' hit the road.

Go on without us, man.

What?!

Sorry, Hank.

You knew our attention spans
when you invited us.

You invited yourselves.

Who remembers?

In fact, I forgot
where we were even going.

...dumping
inches of rain into the east valley.

Flash flood alerts for...

The map shows this road
as a yellow dotted line.

Dang it, RVs should stay
on the solid lines.

That's nothin'.

On the way to your place,

she dumped the RV's septic
over a bridge.

The people on the ferry
were not happy.

Mom has made some questionable
decisions over the years.

I tell you what.

You know, she spent a summer
unwittingly spying

for the Chinese.

Looks like there's a storm
up in the hills.

Yeah,

and all that water is going
to drain through the ravine.

Ah, Mom could get caught
in a flash flood.

We gotta take a shortcut.

Ugh, got-dang it!

Okay, give her some gas
and hit the winch.

Nice and steady.

You got it!

Ugh, we gotta find
something heavier

to connect the cable to.

You boys need some help?

Tilly!
Mom!

You're okay.

What are you two doing out here?

We came to save you.

I'm fine.

But I think a storm is coming.

My knee is acting up.

We need to get out of here.

Chuck, hook the cable
to the back of the RV.

Mom, I need you to pull us out.

Okay.

Go for it, Mom!

Well, that was something.

This is what I was
talking about, Mom.

The road is a dangerous place.

It's too easy
for someone like you

to get into trouble out here.

I wasn't in trouble.

You two boys are the ones
who got yourselves stuck.

I saved you.

Well, uh, sure, this time.

But you're going to get into
trouble out here eventually.

I know you think
I'm an old lady, Hank.

But I'm as sharp as I ever was.

I don't worry about you
because you're old.

I worry about you because...

because you're an idiot.

What?

You make stupid decisions, Mom.

You married Cotton.

You started dating Chuck
before you broke up with Gary.

You sent your gold
to some guy on TV.

I'm sick of it.

Have you always felt this way?

Well, just maybe for the past
30 years or so.

Huh.

You know what?

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I am an idiot.

Who cares?

I do.

When you make a mistake,
I have to pick up the pieces.

No, you don't.

I want to live
on my own terms, Hank.

I want to have fun while I can.

Let the pieces fall
where they may.

Some things will work out well.

Some won't.

At least it won't be boring.

Well, what's boring

about living a sensible life
near emergency services?

Can you try talking
some sense into her?

The only thing I want, Hank,

is to jump back in that RV,
if your mom'll have me.

We can be at the Mark Twain
Festival by sunrise.

Don't worry, Hank.

I'll be okay.

I'll do my best to look
after her, Hank.

Thanks, Chuck.

You know, uh, Mom has made
a lot of mistakes,

but, uh, you're not one of them.

Wait, no, no!

My-my truck!

Idiots.

No, no, no, no, no!
Why you hate me?

Ripped By mstoll