King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 13, Episode 19 - The Boy Can't Help It - full transcript

Yep.

Yep.

Mm-hmm.

So, what do you guys
want to do today?

Well, hmm.

We fixed Boomhauer's car.

We've gotten Bill's house
as far as it's gonna go.

Does anybody have anything
to varnish or weather-strip?

I remember I need to...

Oh, wait.

Never mind.



I did that this morning.

Are you saying"-

Oh, my God!

We're out of projects!

We have nothing to do.

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And the sign-up sheet

for the Asthma Olympics
is in the gym.

And be sure
to pick up your tickets

for this year's
homecoming dance.

Dude, we got to ask someone
to the dance fast.

More and more girls
are getting boobs,

so there're not as many
desperate ones anymore.

We can't rush
into a date, Joseph.



It's just like when you go
to get ice cream at 61 Flavors.

You don't just go
with the first tub of vanilla.

You scope out the whole case.

Dude, the football team got
most of the good ice cream.

Vanilla sounds pretty
good right now.

Oh, I need a girl.

I need one now!

You! Go to the
dance with me!

Uh, okay.

Eh, better than nothing.

Oh, my God!

I need better than nothing, too.

I need to find a date.

Oh, look.

Spongy's up to my cans.

Good-bye, little beer cans.

You tried your best to help me.

Well, that's an impressive cart
Spongy's got there.

Yeah, man, talking 'bout
like, like a dang ol'

Battle-Cart
Galactica, man.

Superb handling,
excellent turning radius.

How did Spongy do it?

I wonder if it's
the ball bearings or...

Gyroscope?

I don't know, low center of
gravity on that dang ol'.

Well, I guess the only way
to find out

would be to build
a super cart of our own.

We found a project!

What was I thinking,
waiting this long to get a date?

Oh.

There's Kerry Harris.

No one's asked her yet

because she has
a tiny hole in her heart.

Jackpot!

Acne Pete is moving in!

Go! Go!

I...
Hi. You go to dance?

I mean, you want to go
to the dance?

I mean, you want, with me?

I'm sorry.

You're sweet,
but... no.

I'm sorry.

Thanks, but...

Um, no.

What do you think?

Hmm, he's got possibilities.

Could be a project.

Agreed.

You know, I always like
the way you say "project."

It sounds so much nicer
than "target."

Anyone sitting here?
I guess I am. Hi.

Um, hi?

Uh...

Bobby Hill, I'm Bethany.

Aw, you look so sad.

A sad little Popsicle.

Don't be a sad little Popsicle.

I'm not sad, really.

It's just that I'm probably
going to be alone

for the rest
of my miserable life.

Hey, we could be your buddies.

We'll be Bobby buddies.

Aren't you both from
the advanced class?

Girls like you never
talk to guys like me.

Oh, no!

We're breaking rules.

We'll be thrown in jail!

Will you visit us
in jail, Bobby?

I'd like you to.

Hey ya, girls.

Hmm...

Where'd you snag the cuteness?

Am I the cuteness?

Ooh, Bethy,

his hair feels nice.

I've never thought
about it, but,

yeah, if bear cubs could talk,
they'd sound like me.

Oh, Bobby, could you
be more precious?

After taking a moment
to confer with myself,

I've decided no, you could not.

Dude, he's like
the girl whisperer.

If this school was
a deck of cards,

Bobby would be
the king of hearts,

two of us would be jokers

and the other one would be
that card with the rules on it.

So, uh, where are you guys at

with the whole homecoming thing?

Because if you need a date...

Yes.
I can't wait!

This is such a magical day!

Really?

So, uh, which one of you
do I get to go with?

You're going with all of us.

Otherwise we'd fight for you.

It'd get ugly.

Triple date.

I guess I have to get

three corsages, but whatever.

You know, it's fine.

Dude, you have, like, three
girlfriends at the same time.

You're like a movie star.

Or a normal guy in France.

I have no idea why these girls
are being so nice to me,

but they asked me
on a date tonight.

To the mall.

And not to the
crapster mall either.

To the Northside Mall.

Whoa, you just
jumped ahead two malls.

On your left.

Bobby, don't forget
about us tonight.

'Kay, Boo-boo Bear?

So, big date tonight, huh?

See what happens when you focus
and don't aim for the top?

Actually, Dad, these are
A-list college-prep girls,

and they're all over me.

In a conversational way.

Really? Huh.

So, what's the name of the girl
you're taking out?

Girls.

Three girls.

I know guys who
are good at sports

who never pulled that off.

Three? How did that happen?

Best as I can figure,
I'm giving something off.

I don't know.

Looks kind of tippy.

Not as tippy as the last five.

I think we got it right
this time.

All right, Bill, let her rip.

It's moving.

It's moving!

Glides effortlessly,
well-balanced.

We pulled it off.

It's not very pretty.

I mean, it's functional,

but personally,
I wouldn't be caught dead

pushing a homeless cart
that looked like that.

Huh.

You're right.

Well, I guess we could
gussy it up a bit.

Bring it on back, Bill.

Well, guys, I'm off to work.

My job is making this day
a special one

for three lucky ladies.

Yeah!

Three-sewer wheelie!

A new record!

Go for four!

Woo-hoo!

Bobby-boy,
you ready to roll?

Just let me get my bike.

Forget it, just hop
on behind Decca.

Behind?

Okay.

Bobby, don't sit back there.

What are you doing? Switch.

Bobby!

Don't worry.

We'll have him home late.

Oh, my God.

My boy is a... a girl.

Are you cooking bacon?

What's wrong, Hank?

Nothing.

I just needed a
little something to...

It's Bobby.

Oh, honey.

This can't still be because

Bobby sat on the back
of a girl's bike.

It's not just that, Peggy.

The girls picked him up.
They decided where to go--

All the stuff Bobby should do.

I, for one, think it is
a step in the right direction.

You and I would have
started dating

a lot earlier if
it would have been acceptable

for me to ask you out.

Well, we finally got to
the bottom of Boomhauer's car.

We thought it was
the starter motor,

but it was actually
the alternator.

You should see it sometime.

I'm not doing anything
Friday night.

Oh, good.

I'll have Boomhauer
drive it over.

I'm all for equal rights
and women wearing pants

and dying in combat
if they want to,

but there's still some things
boys need to do.

Look what the girls
won me at the arcade!

Decca's got quite an arm.

I am still okay with this.

Death blow.

Boom goes the dynamite.

Uh, son, why aren't you
playing the game, too?

There's only three controllers.

Besides, somebody's got to be
the snack-fetching boy.

Bobby, soda.

I'm on it.

Why are you hanging around
with these girls?

I bet you can't even tell me
which one's your girlfriend.

Well, they all are, kind of.

They take turns fussing over me,
combing my hair and stuff.

It's great.

But they don't treat you right.

It doesn't look like they
have much respect for you.

And self-respect, son...

How cute.

They want me to dance
like a monkey.

See, this is the kind of thing
I'm talking about.

Look, Dad, all I know is,
before, I was toast.

And now I'm going to homecoming
with three girls.

So if they want me
to dance like a monkey,

then watch this monkey go!

So, the dance is in two days.

Are we here to pick out
dresses for you girls?

Nope.
Oh.

Well, we need to figure out
what you guys are wearing.

I have a cummerbund
to color-coordinate.

You're so cute, Bobby.

Isn't he?

Given.

But what time
are you picking me up?

Should we get a limo?

I have a lot of questions.

Hey, let's get Bobby pierced!

What?
Even better,

give him a makeover!

I'm uncomfortable.

Okay, Boomhauer, start her up.

Behold, a great moment
in hillbilly science.

Hillbillies discover that
four carts bigger than one.

We did it.

We built the ultimate
homeless guy super-cart.

Dang it.

I can't enjoy it
because my son is out there

dancing like a monkey
for a bunch of girls.

Face it, Hank:

women are getting stronger

and men are growing
more effeminate.

In the future,
both men and women

will visit the gynecologist,

but only women will be getting
their money's worth.

Thanks for letting us borrow
this man meat, Mr. Hill.

Poor Bobby.

It's sad when someone so young
gives up their self-respect.

He's got so much time
left for that.

I gotta get my mind off of this.

Well, I suppose this is
as good a time as any

to figure out the Internet.

Now what do we do with our cart?

Seems a shame to
just dismantle it.

Man, talking 'bout no
dang ol' Spongy, man, I mean,

dang ol' crazy, but man,
you know, he's people, man.

Boomhauer's right.

We should drive this thing
down to the park

and give it to Spongy.

Might be just the thing
that turns him around.

Well, I was thinking
sell it to Spongy, but...

As long as Spongy gets it.

What is going on?

Why don't you ring?!

Now, ring!

Personally, I've never
heard of anyone

not being in the
mood for chicken,

but fine, we'll
just order pizza.

Don't touch it!

Terry and the girls said
they'd call me an hour ago.

Bobby, have you been sitting
like that the whole time?

Ugh, what if they don't call?

I don't know what I'll do!

The dance is tonight!

Just call them.

we call.

Men call and women get called.

Now, Hank, that is
a backwards way of thinking.

Hello?!

Uh-huh, sounds cool!

I am so there!

They're picking me up
in an hour.

I'm a mess.

I have to do my hair!

Hank, this is perfectly
acceptable behav...

Oh, I'm sorry.
I honestly tried.

Have at it.

No. No fixing nothing.

You're grounded.

But... but what about the dance?

You're not going anywhere
near these girls

until you start
acting like a boy.

How am I supposed to do that?

You're just supposed to know!

Psst! Hey!

Boo-boo!

Oh, no!

Sad Popsicle!

Sorry, girls, but my dad said

that I can't go to the
dance with you guys.

Well, we're not going
to the dance anyway.

Yeah, during the
homecoming football game,

there's a secret party
under the bleachers

that only really old
kids know about.

Kids who are like, 16.

Well, my dad is always wishing

I would go to more
football games.

My tiny arms weren't
meant for this.

Go on without me!

No wonder the homeless are...
so thin.

Hey, Hank Hill, I just
saw your hillbilly kid

sneak out with those girls.

I'm surprised they didn't
have to butter the window.

What? But he's grounded.

Well, he's gone now.

They kept talking about
going under the bleachers.

What's that redneck for?

Under the bleachers?!

Oh, no! That's where
kids at risk gather!

I so with you!

I want to see what underbelly
of underbelly look like.

I said, "Dude, I'm not giving
away my car; I'm selling it..."

Okay, lil' squirt...

Come on. Let's go.

Where did I go wrong?

I can't believe Bobby
is under the bleachers.

This is so hilarious!

Leave it to hillbilly children
to think it's cool

to hang out under
100 people's butts.

Can somebody tell me
what's so great about this?

I hear at the dance
there's punch and crepe paper.

It sounds magical.

Okay, this way.

Hey, put that down, mister.

You're not old enough to...

Stay focused!

We here to find your kid.

Let nature and parole officers
take care of the rest.

Oh, my God, there he is!

I can't wait to see his face.

Hey, Spongy!

What?

Man, we got, got
something for you,

right, right here, man.

Voilà!

Your new home.

Uh, yeah, this is great...

If I want to get knifed
or murdered or poo-balled.

Why don't you just paint
a target on my back?

I will take the tarp, though.

Uh...

That was kind of a long walk
getting here.

That stir-fry looks good.

You, you want some?

It's cat food.

Hmm, yeah, okay.

Great band, yeah.

So sad.

They have no idea this is the
highlight of their whole life.

I go tell them.

Why you hitting yourself, sucka?

Bethany, are there gonna be

any cute guys here
who aren't creeps?

I thought we were
gonna meet some guys.

Meet some...

What do you mean,
meet some guys?

I'm your guy right here.

You?

No, Bobby.

I meant like a real guy.

You don't count, Bobby.

Don't tell me you
thought you counted.

But you came and picked me up.

That makes me your date.

Doesn't it?

I thought you girls liked me.

I'm your Boo-boo Bear, remember?

Bobby, you're not really
boyfriend material.

You were just fun to play
around with. That's all.

What?! You mean like

a stuffed animal or something?!

That's not a bad analogy.

Oh.

Well, it was fun
while it lasted.

For you guys.

There you are, Bobby.

Okay, come with me.

We are about to redefine
the word "grounded."

Go ahead and yell at me,

but there's nothing you can say

that could make me feel worse
than I already do.

Is everything all right?

Those girls didn't like me.

I was just some game to them.

Come on. Let's just
go home, Dad.

Evening, ladies.

Man, all three of you are tens,

so, that like, makes you a 30!

Collectively speaking.

You can tell I'm
good at math, right?

In spite of my deceptively
disheveled facade?

What on earth
are you talking about?

Allow me to ensmoothen things.

My name is Randall.

Wait, are those guys
hassling the girls?

Dang it. I gotta go
take care of this.

Bobby, I think I'd
better be the one to...

No, Dad, I'll handle it.

Is everything all
right, gentlemen?

Can I help you?

Oh, easy, little fella.

Look, these girls have been
a huge pain in my behind,

but I can't have you
hassling them.

If you need to beat me up,
so be it.

Girls, while they're
beating on me,

make a break for your bikes.

Wow.

The kid's a noble little dude.

True.

You girls are short-sighted
to overlook

such outstanding sensibilities

in this noble little
dude... and stuff.

Let's go.

I'm walking you out
so that I know that you're safe.

And if there is a door,
I am opening it for you.

Don't think you're so
awesome, Boo-boo Bear.

We were leaving anyway.

Yeah, let's go.

Well, I know these girls
don't appreciate you,

but one day there'll be
a girl who will.

I hope she doesn't keep
me waiting too long.

Bobby, women will always
keep you waiting.

Did you know
it takes your mother

20 minutes to get ready
in the morning?

Eh, women.

Why you hitting
yourself, sucka?

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