King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 11, Episode 7 - The Passion of the Dauterive - full transcript

Ripped By mstoll

MAN (on TV): Friend, you too
can be rich like Dr. Money

and have champagne for breakfast
and caviar for your cats.

How much return do you want
for your investment?

(loud crash)

(mumbles)

200%?

Okay, Mr. Hard Bargain, 400%!

(gasps)

And all by just walking out
to your mailbox.

Of course,
walking to mailbox not so easy



when your mansion's this big!

That could have been me
under there.

I could have died last night.

A bed, huh?

I always pictured you
sleeping in a pile

of shredded newspaper
like a hamster.

Boy, facing your own mortality
really makes you think.

Feels like someone's trying
to tell me something.

Yeah, that was me six months ago

when I said you needed
to get your roof inspected.

No, Hank.

My roof caving in happened
for a reason.

It wasn't to kill me,
it was to wake me up.

I've been spared for some
greater purpose, but what?



Why am I here?

Tell you what, man,

talkin' 'bout ol'
meaning of life, man.

Go read that ol'
Hitchhiker's Guide, man.

Talk-Talkin' 'bout
ol' four... 42, man.

Look, Bill, you're just shaken
up 'cause you lost a good roof.

All you need is
a home maintenance organizer.

I'll make you a binder.

Thanks,
but what I need is meaning,

and there's no binder for that.

Look, Bill,
I'm on your deathbed.

Now I'm bouncing
on your deathbed.

Maybe Bill's purpose
in life should be

to proofread the bulletin.

Apparently spell-
check is a sin.

Hey, Hank.

Can you scooch over?

Come on, Bill.

It's kind of tight
in here already.

I can't focus on God

if I'm afraid we're going
to touch knees.

Please.

I promise I won't spread.

(Sighs)

REVEREND STROUP:
Good morning.

Before we begin,
I'd like to share some thoughts

about last week's
church breakfast.

Normally I don't take it
personally

when people don't participate,

but when you're sitting alone
with 300 pancakes,

you can't help but take stock.

Anyway, after a glass of Merlot
and a good cry, I realized,

"Hey, I'm not a quitter."

So I've come up with some
fantastic new activities

and they're listed
in your bulletins.

Hey, there's something
every night of the week,

sometimes two things.

Somethings happening to me,
Hank, something wonderful.

Uh, okay.

I think I've found my purpose.

It's here in the church

Reverend Stroup needs people
to get involved

and that's what I'm going to do.

Well, good for you, Bill.

Uh, I know you're excited,

but I'm going to need at least
a hymnal's width between us.

Sorry.

REVEREND STROUP:
Everyone,

we have a new addition to our
Bible study: Bill Dauterive.

We're happy to have
you with us, Bill.

I'm happy to be here.

God told me
to come here tonight.

No, no, no,

not in a crazy way.

It was purely inspirational.

Okay, does anyone here
have any thoughts

about this week's reading?

Yeah, I-I still
don't understand

how Abraham could wait
a hundred years

before God gave him a son.

I've been waiting four years
for a promotion

and my head's about to explode.

Oh, good, we're talking
about your job again.

Well, it's better than talking

about your tomato plants
for the 15th time.

I think the story's

about patience.

Being patient is hard,
but if you're waiting

for something really great,
it's worth it.

Thank you, Bill.

I couldn't have said
it better myself.

Huh.

Hmm.

Really.

Wow.

Bill, I'm tired
of holding your beer.

This hand isn't used
to being cold.

Sorry, just brushing up on
my First and Second 'Timothy.

So I guess you found
what you were looking for

there at the church, huh?

You know, purpose and whatnot?

Oh, it's great.

I've got Bible study
three nights a week,

"Apostles and Donuts"
on Tuesday mornings,

and this Sunday
I'm starting a class

about the biblical truths
in Narnia.

Wow, Bill, that is a lot of God.

I know.

I think I've found my calling.

I can't wail to teach the Bible
to people all over the world.

Uh, the world?

Oh, sure.

The church organizes
mission trips all over.

Haiti, Romania, Nigeria.

Then, maybe I'll spend
a couple of years

in a Methodist monastery
to really hone my skills.

And Bill's off the rails.

Now hang on, Bill.

You can't go jumping in
headfirst like you usually do.

Before you become a minister
and run off to Africa,

maybe you should try to find

what you're looking
for right here.

Okay, but really,
it's not up to me,

so don't get mad
if you're overruled by God.

Morning.

Beautiful Sunday, isn't it?

Nice Bible, Mr. Dauterive.

Thanks.

It's waterproof, tear-proof.

The guy at the store said it
could survive the Apocalypse.

I guess you needed
something more durable

for those mission trips, huh?

Oh, no, those are off, Hank.

I'm not going anywhere.

Really?

Thank God.

I had a long talk
with Reverend Stroup

and decided you were right.

My purpose is
right here in Arlen.

Everything I need
is in this church,

all wrapped up
with a green satin stole.

Well, that's a weird
way to put it,

but I'm glad you
came to your senses.

Uh... do you want
me to scoot over?

No, thanks.
I'm gonna grab

a seat closer to the front.

Good morning.

Our Old Testament reading

can be found on page 451
of your pew Bibles.

Let us hear the Word.

"Let him kiss me
with the kisses of his mouth,

for your love is better
than the wine."

Uh, what is this?

Song of Solomon.

Isn't it a little
PG-13 for church?

Shh!

"You have ravished my heart
with one look of your eyes..."

"I am my beloved';

and his desire is toward me..."

No!

Uh, I, uh...

Sorry, I dropped my Bible here.

Bill, open up.

Bill, I know what's
going on here.

You and Reverend Stroup are...
involved.

That's crazy, Hank.

I don't know what you're
talking about.

Pff, crazy.

Come on, Bill.

You can come out.
He knows.

REVEREND STROUP:
Relax, Hank.

I won't bite.

Unless you want her to.
(chuckles)

Sorry. Poorly timed joke,
completely inappropriate,

don't even know if it's true.

Hank, it's okay-ministers
are allowed to date.

I'm not just a person of God.

I'm a woman, too.

Uh, I wouldn't know
anything about that.

Still, I've found
that congregations

can be less than accepting

when it comes to this
type of situation.

Why do you think
I left St. Paul?

So if you wouldn't mind, can we
keep this just between us?

(Sighs)

All right.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I gotta go mow

or water or something.

I like that song, too.
She sings like an angel.

Who could Bill be talking to?

We're all right here.

Uh, it's probably just work.

(giggling)

Sorry, fellas.

That's okay. We were just, uh...
(phone ringing)

Hello.

Hi...

uh, General.

Sorry, I have to take this.

(Sighs)

Oh, Drake.

(knock at door)

BILL:
Hank.

Hi, everybody!

Hank, we need to talk.

BOBBY:
Hey, Mr. Dauterive,

I think Joseph and I saw you
out at Lake Arlen today

when we were riding bikes.

Uh, I'm sure it, was
someone else.

Mr. Dauterive has a
very common shape.

It sure looked like him.

He was in his car
with some woman.

She was a prostitute!
Bill!

(nervous laughter)
Just kidding. Wasn't me.

Bill, outside.

What do you want, Bill?

Well, as a thank you
for covering for my,

you know, steamy
secret relationship,

I wanted to take you
out to dinner.

Uh, that's really not necessary.

We'll go for steak.

Good steak...
Hmm.

Prime steak...
Hmm...

Hank, don't be mad.

Don't talk to me.

I had to trick you.

You wouldn't have come if
I'd told you Karen and I

wanted a romantic evening out,
and we needed you for cover.

It's so naughty being out
in public, isn't it?

No one in this restaurant
knows we're an item.

The secret drives me wild.

How wild?

That's my foot.

Sorry.
Sorry.

Hey, there's one of
those gypsy ladies

selling roses and Tic-Tacs.

I'm gonna buy you one of each.

Hank, I was thinking
about taking Bill

to this cute B&B outside
McMaynerbury.

Can you sneak away
for an overnight?

What? No!

Reverend Stroup, I can't
do this anymore.

I don't want to "sneak away,"

I don't want to keep
lying to everyone.

And you shouldn't either.

But I don't have a choice.

If Bill and I want our
relationship to work,

we have to keep it a secret,

or boom, it's St. Paul
all over again.

Well, it seems to me

the things you have to keep secret
are things you shouldn't be doing.

You're right, Hank.
It is wrong.

I'll talk to Bill tonight.

Sorry, Hank.

Would've looked weird if I
didn't buy one for you, too.

Bobby, what are you doing?
You can't take those.

But these baby envelopes are
perfect for all my little stuff.

Well, you shouldn't have
any "little stuff."

Now put them back.

REVEREND STROUP:
Welcome, everyone.

Before we begin this morning,
I have an announcement.

I hope it's the canned
food drive.

I can finally unload
all that pumpkin pie filling.

I've been keeping a secret
from all of you,

and it's time I come clean.

(m murmuring)

I've been dating someone,

and he's right here
in this room.

Oh, no.

Bill?

Peace be with you.

Oh, my God.

Hank, what's happening?

This is a disaster of
biblical proportions.

Now Stroup's gonna shirk
all her spiritual duties.

I'm sure she won't, Dale.

Aah, you know how women
get when they're in love.

It's all kissy-face
this, huggy-pie that.

Meanwhile, who's making
sure I get into Heaven?

No one.

Hi, everybody.

Afternoon, Bill,
Reverend Stroup.

Aw, Hank, please, call me Karen.

Yeah, I'm, I'm not
gonna do that.

Relax, fellas.

You don't have to be
nervous around me.

Dale, why don't you pass me
one of those bad boys.

Uh, I hear my dang ol'
phone ringing, man.

See you guys later, man.

Sweetie, you've got some
beer foam on your lip.

(giggles)

Oops, I forgot how
ticklish you are.

Oop, I forgot again!

You are so cute.

My back tire looks low.

Yep, low.

Uh, hey, Padre,
salvation over here!

(groans)

I can't wait to share
a popcorn with you.

That's the third time tonight
I've caught people staring at us.

Oh, they're just
jealous of our love.

People will have
to get used to it.

Well, hello, you two.

Bill, this is Justin
and Sue from church.

What a surprise to see you...

and you.

It's date night.

We're seeing that
new horror movie.

I love to get scared sol
can hold on to my man.

(gunshots on-screen)

(woman screams)

(bestial growl)

Thanks for asking me to join
the building committee.

Actually, Hank, we got you here
under false pretenses.

This is about Reverend Stroup
and her... relationship.

Dang it.

How do we put this, uh...

the two of them together...
Well, it's...

It's gross.

Look, we're not saying
they can't date...

I'm saying that!

Okay, we wish we could say that,
but we're not.

Can you just get them
to tone it down a bit?

(Sighs)

What do you mean?

People have a problem with
Karen and me dating?

Everyone's just having
a hard time getting used to it.

Especially with the way
you guys are carrying on.

I can't control howl feel, Hank.

We're in love.

If I want to kiss my woman
on the street corner,

then I'm gonna do it!

Now, now calm down, Bill.

No one's saying
you two can't date.

What's going on?

Who's saying we can't date?

Everybody!

Your deacon sent Hank
here to break us up!

It's... it's ricoculous!

That's not true.

No one wants to break anyone up.

This is wrong, Bill.

They can't tear us apart.

I know, baby.
Come here.

Well, I hope you're happy, Hank.

You've got my Karen so riled up,

she's down at the church talking

to your love-hating
deacon buddies right now.

They don't hate love, Bill.

They just hate your love.

Sweetheart, are you okay?

What did they deacon say?

They said
they were uncomfortable

with our relationship.

So what are they gonna do to
you... stockade, public lashing?

It's already done.

I'm no longer the reverend
of Arlen Methodist.

This is unacceptable!

They can't fire you for love.

That's discrimination.

They didn't fire me, Bill.

I quit.

We're gonna fight this.
We're gonna... Wait. What?

I wasn't gonna stand there

while they suggested what
we were doing is wrong.

So I turned in my robe.

So, our love
is no longer forbidden?

That's right.
Isn't it wonderful?

I'm gonna go start packing,

so I can move in tonight.

Move in? Move in?

This is so sudden.

I have to, Bill.

I can't live at the church
parsonage anymore.

I'll see you soon.

Huh.

Wow, Stroup chose you over God.

Huh.

(Sighs)

Well, this is the last of it.

Can't get rid of me now.
(chuckles)

(chuckles)

This is nice,

just you and me living a
quiet, normal life.

Yeah, not having to sneak around

or worry what people think is
much more relaxing.

Almost boring, in fact.

That shelf would be perfect
for my snow babies!

Snow babies?

DALE: Can someone
roll me another beer?

Get it yourself, Dale.

No way.

Stroup's ex is bound
to take vengeance on Bill,

and I don't want
to be collateral damage

from one of His lightning bolts.

I don't want her in my house!

What?

I thought I wanted her,

but that was when
our relationship

was exciting and taboo,
like Romeo and Juliet.

Now we're just a
normal, boring couple,

and Juliet put all these
weird little snow babies

all over my house!

Look, you can't be so quick
to break it off.

She gave up a lot for you.

Don't you think I know that?

I thought this was all
part of God's plan.

But if it is, then
why am I so miserable?

DALE:
Someone's got to be.

Maybe God was tired of her, too,

and his plan was to dump her
on your doorstep.

Please take her back!
Wait...

I-I don't mean "kill her"
take her back.

Oh, God, what am I gonna do?

I can't break up with her.

Tell you what, man,

talking about get her to
break up with you, man.

That's how you do it, man.

Brilliant, Boomhauer!

Act like an ass, she dumps you,

you're off the hook.

Why has no one ever
tried that before?

You can't do that, Bill.

I like being off the hook.

I'm gonna do Boomhauer's idea.

(Sighs)

Honey, you barely
touched your dinner.

Don't you like
your mashed potatoes?

(curtly):
I've had better.

I guess they are a little dry.

Maybe they sat out too long.

What are you trying to say,
that I was late for dinner?

No! I just didn't know

when you were coming in
from the alley.

So, now I'm spending too much
time with my friends.

Bill, what are you
talking about?

You can't change me!

If I want to hang out
in the alley and drink beer

and talk about the devil,
then I'm gonna do it!

If you don't like it,

then you can break up with me.

You want to break up with me?

I don't want to break up
with you.

I love you.

I know.

Mom, why is Mr. Dauterive sitting
out there in the dark?

Hank, Bill's on the patio again!

HANK:
I'm on it.

What's going on, Bill?

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I tried what Boomhauer said,
but she still won't leave me.

I guess we're getting married.

Bill, this is ridiculous.

You can't spend the rest
of your life

with someone just because you're
afraid to be honest with them.

But honesty's hard.

I know,
but it's the right thing to do.

There you are, sweetie.

I thought you went
to get us ice cream.

No, Karen, the
ice cream was a lie.

Sit down.
We need to talk.

Now? Oh, God.

What's going on out there, Dad?

Mr. Dauterive
and Reverend Stroup

are breaking up on my patio.

Really?
Bobby, dry slower.

Peggy, we can't watch this.

Hank, we have to.

When good people fail to watch,

bad things happen.

Huh, I pegged her for a cryer,

not a screamer.

Should I be seeing this?

I feel like I'm growing up
too fast.

Dang it, don't stomp
on the grass!

I just reseeded that section.

Wait, she's...

Whoa!
Whoa!

I think she saw us.
Duck!

Our New Testament lesson is from the
book of Matthew. Let us hear the Word.

"And seeing the multitudes...

So when's Reverend Stroup
going to give sermons again?

That temp guy goes on too long.

I don't know.

I think she's gonna be
on probation for a while.

You know, I can't help but think

that this is partly my fault.

Uh, it's kind of all your fault,
Bill.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

You know, Hank, I think
I finally figured out

what God's plan is for me.

Really? What's that?

You know how you told me
to fix my roof,

and then you told me not to
secret date our minister,

and then after I did that

I should break up
with her like a man?

Yeah?

Well, I think God's plan for me

is to always listen to you.

Well, I don't know about that,

but it has been 3,000 miles
since your last oil change.

Don't forget to take
your car in.

Thanks, Hank.

DAUTERIVE:
God told me to come here tonight.

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