King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 11, Episode 5 - Hank Gets Dusted - full transcript

Ripped By mstoll

HANK (sighs):
It's not an "endless salad bar"

if they bring you
the entree right away.

I mean, you have the right
to more salad,

but once you've got your meat,

you're not going back,
and they know it.

Message!

Maybe it's that guy

trying to call his
parole officer again.

Or it could be that SUV's owner
thanking me for the note

suggesting they learn
to park better.



And the mystery caller is...

Just play the dang message.

COTTON:
Of course you're not there!

(disgusted groan):
Oh, Cotton.

But you better be tomorrow,

'cause I'm finally getting rid
of my vehicle.

I'll arrive at 1200 hours to
turn over the keys. That is all.

I'll be darned.

Dad's finally letting
go of his Cadillac.

That cars taken me

to some of the greatest
events of my childhood.

Football games, baseball games,

basketball games.

It's been like
a member of the family.



Except that Cotton loved it.

Huh.

Yeah.

Yep, my dad should be here
with the car any minute now.

I still remember the day
he brought that car home.

It was on my birthday.

After that it became known
as the cars birthday.

Now we'll finally be able
to celebrate together.

Remember how we'd ride back
from Boy Scouts

and I'd talk too much,

and Cotton would throw me
in the trunk?

It was like a crazy
roller coaster back there,

bouncing around
with all those guns.

Yeah, man, talkin' about
them old good times, man.

(car horn plays "La Cucaracha")
Here it comes!

(car horn plays "La Cucaracha")

It's in perfect tune.

Good noon, Colonel!

Yeah, Dad, thanks for coming.

I appreciate the chance to buy
a piece of our family history.

Buy it? The only thing you get
is the chance to wash it.

Do a good job for once.

I don't want your cousin Dusty

finding any dog dirt
on the pedals.

Dusty? Well, what's
he got to do with it?

He called and made me an offer,
right out of the blue.

You're selling it to him?

Nah. I'm giving it to him.

I couldn't take money

from my brothers boy.

Dusty's always been
like a son to me.

I'm your son!

I suppose.

But Dusty's already got

more cars than he knows
what to do with.

He sure as heck doesn't
deserve this one.

You can keep the bucket,
but give these to Dusty.

And that's how I get
to the grocery store.

No. I swear to you
Hank isn't here.

Now, as I was saying...

Oh, Hank just walked in.

It's Dusty.

My mistake.

It was just a bird
caught in the curtains.

Okay, bye-

What did he want?

Dusty is coming in from Houston
tomorrow to pick up the car.

(groans):
Oh, great.

While he's here, he can take
some other things I care about.

It was nice being married
to you, Peggy.

Come on, Hank.

So you and Dusty
don't get along.

That makes this
a great opportunity

to patch things up.

Patch things up?

Don't you remember our wedding?

How he and his buddies
got up on stage with the band?

"Just one song, Hank."

Which is all he played...
One song.

Yeah, "Radar Love," with
a got-dang 20-minute bass solo.

(sighs): I'd better go tell
Bobby the truth about Dusty.

It was crazy for me to think
he'd never find out.

HANK (sighs):
Uh, son,

every family has its secrets.

Now...

I'm gonna play this tape,

and you're gonna see
some things that, uh...

(groans):
This is harder than I thought.

Just watch, if you can.

(rock music playing)

(Hank sighs)

You see, Bobby,

I have a cousin named Dusty.

He's the one with the beard.

The-the one on the left.

We're related to ZZ Top?!

Not so loud, son.

See, rock stars have different
morals and values and...

Stop that!

(turns off music) Now, Dusty's
coming by the house tomorrow.

Do not ask him what time it is.

He always says,
"It's time to rock."

I bet the first thing Dusty does
with this car

is put flames on the front of it

like he did
with his go-cart.

Yeah, like that made it
go faster.

Wait, it didn't?

Dusty's always been about flash.

Have you ever looked at
our high school yearbook?

Many, many times.

He and his idiot friends snuck
into every activities picture.

Remember how they
tricked you into thinking

that Tom Landry died.

Yeah, and then when he finally
did die, I didn't believe it,

and I went to work anyway.

I'm still mortified.

They were always pulling
those practical jokes on me.

(all laughing)

So-So I'm getting
a propane award, huh?

Wow, this is such an honor.

I - Is Commissioner
Hogarth here?

DUSTY: Hey, everyone,
we've hired a new dancer!

What?!

(all laughing)

(all laughing)

(sighs):
Idiots.

KAHN:
Say...

nice Caddy.

Cotton gave it
to Hank's cousin Dusty.

Bit of a sore point.

Your cousin, eh?

Isn't that hillbilly term
for wife?

Th-There's a taxi coming!

I bet it's Dusty.

Famous people like to be
kissed on the cheek, right?

I'm thinking about doing that.

There they are!

Hey, Hank.

Dale. Bill.
Boomhauer.

Dusty Hill?!

Hank Hill?!

Why didn't you say
you were related to the man

whose band helped launch
the story-driven music video?

Well, you just answered
your own question.

I got to get Minh!

"Tush" is her favorite song!

Say!

The old gal looks pretty snazzy.

Yeah, well, anyway, uh,
you'll probably want

to be getting back to Houston
and your current wife.

You know,

while I was out there touring
and making records and whatnot,

I let some things slip by
that really matter to me.

Friends,

family.

I guess what
I'm trying to say is,

it's be nice spending
a couple of days

hanging out with you,
just catching up.

Well, uh, I don't know, uh...

(Bobby squeals)

Is this him?!
Are you him?

Oh, my God!

Can I speak at him, please?

Looks like your dad's
raising you right.

Uh, I guess so.

Well, you know, Dusty,
it's a long trip from Houston.

Why don't you come in
and have some ice tea and...?

MAN:
Cut!

We need to reset from

"I let some things slip
that mattered to me."

We're getting too much glare

from the skinny guy's
sunglasses.

What the heck's going on?

I'm the star
of my own reality show.

You and I won't
just be hanging out,

we'll be doing it on TV.

Finally!

They are shooting

a freakin' reality show!

Did you get that?

That was me discovering
you're shooting a reality show.

This could be my big break!

Bobby, get inside.

Good lord, Dusty,
did you run out

of ways to embarrass yourself?

No, this is going
to be great, Hank.

America wants reality,

and I'm the guy
to give it to 'em.

Buh!
You sure are, Dust.

Paul Portis,
ImPORTant Productions.

He's the best.

Check out the title
for our show:

Behind The Beard.

You're welcome.

You think everything's fun
and games, Dusty.

Well, it's not.

Yeah, well, you might
change your mind

after you see your dog.

Okay, that tears it!

I am sick of you
messing with me.

(sighs): Boy, I actually thought
Dusty might have changed,

but he's just the same
flashy pain in my neck

he used to be.
What a joke.

Joke?

Did you see the way Bobby lit up
when he saw those cameras?

I walked into his room
this morning

and he was... he was singing
into a hairbrush.

Uh-huh, uh-huh!
Go on!

You know, sometimes

when things went wrong
with Cotton,

I just thought,

"Well, at least I'm
getting that car one day."

And now he just
swoops in and takes it.

Your joke made me sad.

PORTIS:
This is not interesting at all.

We need something else!

(laughing): You should
check this out!

This guy doesn't get angry.
He becomes anger.

It really pops.

I'm gonna punch you silly.

Gonna knock your teeth in,
I tell you...

You got-dang...

That tears it!

Watch the vein in his head.

You could add jungle drums
each time it throbs.

(drums playing)

(drum volume decreases)

There's your act break,
people, and your bus-side,

your grocery separator

and your cover of
TV frickin' Guide.

This is our new job...

Pissing off Hank Hill.

HANK:
I'm gonna tear your beard off!

People really respond to
your interacting with Hank.

By "interacting" you mean
messing with him, right?

Sometimes I think it's too easy,
but it's just so much dang fun.

It's not just fun for you,
it's fun for us.

It's fun for America.

And most importantly,
it's fun for Hank.

Well, damn. If that's the case,
I know just the guys to help.

How about we try
that new soup place?

Because it sure is soup weather.

(doorbell rings)

ALL:
Hey, Hank.

(sighs):
No.

Don't worry, Hank.

We're just here
selling buttfors.

What's a butt...? No.

(all laugh)

You know, last time we saw you,

you were trying to explain
to the Border Patrol

why your trunk was full tacos.

I just want to apologize
for any hard feelings

about the show, Hank,

so we brought over
one of our gold records...

and buried it somewhere
in your lawn.

What the hell?

(Sputters)

Wait for us!
We're in!

Dang it, Dusty, I'm gonna take
that gold record

and shove your face
through the little hole!

(whistle blows)

Holy...

No!

My lawn!

(giggling)
Shh!

(giggling)
Shh!

Queen bee barbecue.

Now sewing shrimps.

What them?!

(rock music playing)

Although Hank's urethra
isn't technically blocked,

it's just narrow.

Peggy,

get them out of here!

My house is off-limits!

Wait a minute.
Where's Bobby?

He's fine.
He's in the truth booth.

Oh, God!

Let me through.
I need to get in there.

Hey, I'm next!

Dale, move aside unless
you want me to kick your ass.

Yes, do it!

That's how I'll get on TV!

No, kick mine! I want to
be on camera, please!

I believe I'm the one
who deserves the kicking.

I slept with his best friend's
wife for 13 years.

Yeah, Bill's wife
was a tramp. Big deal.

Now shut up and let Hank
kick the ass he started on!

So Jerry Lee, Jimmy Swaggart
and me are ready for action

when who should appear but...

BOBBY:
Wheeee!!

Do it again!
Do it again!

Stop spinning my son!

All right, that does it.
I want everybody out.

You with the camera, everyone.

But not me, right?

Get!

So you kicked 'em all out?

I guess they deserved it.

Dang right, they deserved it.

I can't believe you gave
this car to Dusty, Dad.

After all the times
I've detailed it

and all the tune-ups
I've given it.

I guess I didn't realize
how much Marlena meant to you.

Well, how could you
not know that?

Well, sometimes
I don't think, boy.

Aw, Dad.

Oh, got-dang it,
you're in on this, too?

(laughs): Just having
some fun, Hank!

Something you don't know
nothing about.

While you were wasting time
having a family

and buying a house
and having a career,

Dusty was busy making
something out of his life.

Why didn't you join a band, boy?

(laughing)

This footage is great,

but we need to push
the envelope with him.

Think, think, think.

He really hates code violations.

We could make fun of propane.

Propane? Whoa, you can
only push a man so far.

We've been riding Hank
pretty hard.

Now let's lay off him
and do something else fun.

I've said it once,
I'll say it again.

Me and the guys
could always get naked.

Uh, sure, sure.

All good ideas.

I'll confab with the team here

to see if we can find
something golden.

We can't lay off Hank.

He's our bread and butter.

You find anything?

Oh, yeah.

(sighs)
I can't believe

you gave this car to Dusty, Dad.

After all the times
I've detailed it, and all

the tune-ups
I've given it...

We hurt the Caddy,
we hurt Hank. Go!

Do a cross-promotion thing
with Burger King

and crash it into a replica
of the Eiffel Tower

made out of Whoppers.

We could set it on fire.

On Mommy vs Nanny

any time we burned things,
we got an instant ten share.

The 18-34 crowd really
loves a good explosion.

I got a better idea.

We'll do all three.

So Dusty took the car back
to Houston already, huh?

No. The cars
at the shop.

They're reinforcing the gas tank
and removing the radiator.

Well, that is idiotic.

These old V-8s run hot.

It'll seize up
in a few hundred miles.

Doesn't need to last that long.

Dusty's driving it
in a demolition derby.

Demolition derby?! No!

We gotta stop this.

I will not let Dusty demolish

the car I grew up in.

And the trunk I grew up in!

My God, I've always dreamed
of driving somewhere

to stop something bad
from happening

and now I'm doing it!

DUSTY (over loudspeaker):
Hello, Arlen!

Are you ready to derby?!

(crowd cheering)

Hey!

Hey, we're gonna go scout
the talent in the crowd.

This is it, people!

Here comes our gorgeous,
angry monkey.

Camera one, I want you
close on his neck vein.

Camera two, you're on his
shaking fists and spittle.

If something inside his
brain pops, I want to see it!

Oh, good, Dusty's
not out there yet.

Maybe I can still save the car.

(car horn playing
"La Cucaracha")

Good Lord.

Ugh.

It looks like a giant
toilet seat cover.

So soft...

yet so powerful.

Hey, Hank!

It's like he doesn't even care

that those tires are whitewalls.

(engine not starting)

(grunts)

Dusty! Quick, you gotta
get out of there! Come on!

He's trapped. Someone's gotta get him
out of there before the car explodes.

The car that you love the most
in the world is being destroyed.

How does that make you feel? And could you
please repeat the question in your answer?

Put those got-dang cameras
down and help him! Come on!

(coughing):
Help! I'm all tangled up!

Get me outta here.

"Get me outta here?"

Somebody give Dusty
a better line!

"Don't let this car
be my coffin"?

Uh, "Gimme all
your helpin'!"

"I've got legs, but

I don't know if
I can use them!"

(coughing)

Hang in there, Dusty.

I'll get you outta there.

(Sighs)

Everything's gonna be okay.

You all right, Dusty?

Nuh... Uh...

Oh, I guess not.

Oh, my God.

You know what, Dusty?

I'm glad you're okay,

but I don't ever want
to see you again.

I'm tired of your stupid
pranks, and I'm tired

of your got-dang
rock 'n' roll,

anything-goes lifestyle.

Why are you mad? I'm the one
with the injured beard.

You call that angry?

This is supposed to be
our promo moment.

Look at that car!

Think about all the times
you tuned it up, Hank,

and tenderly washed it.

You loved that car!

Doesn't it make you want
to punch Dusty

with your upstage hand?!

Hank, wait!

Did that Caddy really
mean that much to you?!

As much as your beard
means to you.

Oh I'm sorry, Hank.

I assumed when Cotton gave
the Caddy to me so quickly,

and for free,
you didn't want it.

Yeah, well, Cotton...

he's a jackass.

And you knew about this?

After I told you
to lay off Hank,

you set up this whole thing?

That does it, Portis...
Your show is canceled.

You don't tell me
when the show is canceled...

The network does.

I've got contracts with you.

Paper can be ripped...
like your head.

We're at a demolition
derby in Texas.

You want me to tell these
folks you're from Hollywood?

You've seen what we've done
to Hank, and we like him.

You best watch your back, son.

Fine, do what you want.

VH-1 Classics is
swarming with bands

who'll eat anything
I ask them to.

I'm sorry about the car.

Well, I'm sorry about the beard.

Ah, she'll grow back.

Your beard's a girl?

Well, thanks for
fixing her up for me.

It's the least I could do, 'cuz.

So, Dusty, I was wondering...

when you guys are ready
to go on tour,

do you think
maybe I could go with you?

We'd love to have you, Bobby,

but if you want to succeed
in show business,

you gotta stay in school.

Rock 'n' roll takes a lot
of hard work and smarts.

You gotta know a lot of stuff,
like, umm, umm... arithmetic.

And earth science.

And the presidents.

Man, I thought being a rock star
would be more fun than that.

Nun-uh.

(metallic groaning)

HANK:
It's time to rock.

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