King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 11, Episode 4 - Luanne Gets Lucky - full transcript

Ripped By mstoll

LUANNE:
You know...

you are so lucky to go to prom.

I never got to go to mine.

Yeah, uh-huh. I don't know

if I should get
a blowout or an updo.

I missed my prom because I had
to testify against my momma.

Everyone got the most romantic
night of their life,

and all I got was
my momma sent to jail.

I think I'll get an updo.

The bailiff that had



to wrestle my mamma had an updo.

(voice cracking):
You're gonna look so pretty.

(crying)

I put some syrup in your soda

because I know you
like stuff sweet.

How many spoons?

I don't know.
I just poured.

Bobby, you poured good.

Why don't you treat
yourself to one?

You sure know
how to live, Lucky.

I had such a stressful day.

I can't wait till prom
season is over on Saturday.

Then you and me and teenie Lucky

can go out on a romantic date.



You know I would love to,

but right now I'm rigging
my truck for stumping.

What's "stumping"?

It's when you go hunting
for a stump of burled walnut...

The most valuable
of all the trophy woods...

And pull it out of the ground.

I'll come with you.

I could brew some sun tea

and bring a picnic basket.

The ants will get into our food

and then we'll laugh and laugh.

I'm sorry, but stumping
is a gentleman's pursuit.

So is sticking and catfisting
and everything you do.

Luanne, my life would be easier
without this passion,

but it wouldn't be as full.

Uh, Peggy, my steak

seems kind of small.

You're not pulling the new
guidelines on me, are you?

No, I am not.

I just didn't
realize that Luanne

would be with us tonight,

sol had to re-portion.

I thought I was going
out with Lucky,

but he doesn't have the time
to spend with me.

(sighing)

Huh. So I guess you had
nowhere else to go?

Hank.
(crying)

What's she want?
A piece off my plate?

There's not a whole lot there.

YEP-
YEP-

Mm-hmm.

I've had it since I was 12,

a constant, high-pitched
ringing in my left ear.

I guess it's something I'll just

have to learn to live with.

Luanne's not home, Lucky.

We're not here to see Luanne.

We came to visit
you, Uncle Hank.

See, I'm looking to get
more power into my winch.

Hmm, continue.

You see, winches ain't
something the three of us know.

What I know abouts dogs.

You need something
done about a dog,

I'm the one you see.

Lucky, your man's
making me nervous.

Mud Dauber didn't
mean to scare you.

Did you, Mud Dauber?
Not at present.

He's just upset

'cause he and Elvin
can't help me

bring in a 48 inch
stump of burled walnut.

It's not we don't want to.

It's all 'cause judge says

we can't cross the county line.

Boy, I've never
heard of a 48 inch

stump of burled walnut.

You're talking diameter, right?

He don't talk nothing else.

It's real, all right.

My Grandpappy first
found it back in 1923.

Grandpappy was
on a church picnic,

and got separated
from his group.

A storm came up over the hills
and Grandpappy

had to take shelter in what
fumed out to be the most

valuable stump in all of Texas.

As fate would have it,

Grandpappy took ill
and was called to his maker

before he had a chance
to bring it in.

I hunted that piece of walnut
for many a year.

And then one day
I finally found it.

Se! My winch to it
and everything.

But the cable snapped.

I went to the Costco
to buy a new one,

slipped on pee pee,
got my settlement moneys

and the rest is history.

That stump was worth $15,000,

and that's in back then dollars.

And due to Elvin and Mud
Dauber's... indiscretions,

I am down fellow adventurers.

I've always wanted to
see walnut in the wild.

And Boomhauer's always wanted

a walnut dashboard.

Yeah, and my rifle could
use a burled walnut stock.

And I need a walnut... hat!

And I... Oh, I
just want to come.

You know, in the old days,

that stuff would be
crawling with nits.

Don't worry, little boy.
I'm going to give

you the best cut ever!

Because prom pictures
are forever.

As are not prom pictures,

which are all I have.

I'm not going
to the prom. I can't.

Of course you can.

Everyone goes to the prom now,

even the crippled and the gay.

I don't have a date.

Really?

I'd go with you in a heartbeat.

(quivering breaths)

Well... would you like to go
with me to the prom?

Me? Oh.

You are such a sweet boy.

I would love to, but...

I already have a fianc?.

Oh. Hey, I've got nothing
going on that night

if you wanna grab a taco.

I'm not saying
stumping isn't risky.

When you're out there
with nothing but chains,

beer and a winch,
you could rip your arm off

and there ain't
no one out there to sue.

(vehicle approaching)

Hey, Baby Girl,

and my girl's baby.

Look at my new winch.

That's nice.

Hey Lucky,

the inspectors are
letting That's Amore

open back up tomorrow night.

Well, bring me home
some osso bucco then,

'cause me and the boys
are going out.

Fine, then I, too,
will be going out

with a boy as well.

To the Arlen High School Prom.

I have been asked.

No way, Luanne.

You will not wear

another man's wrist corsage.

If you are not going to take
me out on a Saturday night,

or ever, why shouldn't I go?

Because I've seen the movies

and I know what goes on at prom.

You're sitting this one out.

Nu-uh, I'm not!

Prom night is the most
romantic night of the year,

and I am not spending
it alone again.

Luanne, I'm not
messing around here.

If you go to that prom...

Well, that does it!

Well, if you go
stumping, then...

then that does it!

Oh, no!

Don't do this, you guys!

Lay down your pride and give way
to the glory of love!

I'm going stumpin'.

Well, I guess that does it.

PEGGY:
I cannot believe

someone in this family is
finally going to their prom.

I could have gone with
an ugly or unpopular guy,

but I stuck by my principles.

Sometimes I wish
my leg was a stump

so Lucky would
pay attention to me.

Is that wrong?
Yes.

You should not be fantasizing

about being a hunk of wood.

You should be thinking

about this magical night ahead.

The gymnasium will
be transformed

with glitter and crepe paper.

There might even be balloons
in the basketball hoops.

I never dreamed
that going to a dance

with a 15-year-old boy

I barely know
could be so wonderful!

Oh!

Oh, Luanne, tomorrow night,

I will be living
vicariously through you.

Thank you!

Okay, when you dance,
I want you to do it in a way

that will make people form
a circle around you and clap.

So, what'll it be-
the Linda Evans

or the Joan Collins?

Come on, Bobby!

Keep brushing!

You've got to flatten
this thing out!

I'm trying, but it
keeps on jumping back!

(doorbell rings)

PEGGY:
Who is it?

KEVIN: I'm kind of
having a tux emergency.

(gasps):
It's Kevin!

You can't be here!

It's bad luck to see
me before the prom!

I think that's
on your wedding day, Luanne.

Oh.

This was all
the tux shop had left.

I thought
I'd look like James Bond.

I'm not gonna look
like James Bond.

Oh, Kevin, don't worry.

What you wear is so
much less important

than what I'm wearing.

What's wrong?

Them.

LUANNE: That's just
Elvin and Mud Dauber.

Go away! Git!

I'm busy!

Who the hell is he?

This is my friend, Kevin.

Kevin is taking me to the prom.

So you're out going
to some damn prom

behind Luckys back?

Who's Lucky?
Shut up.

Aunt Peggy!

Elvin and Mud Dauber
are making trouble!

Not in my house.

Not unless
you want some of this.

Relax.

It's just oven cleaner,
but they don't know that.

We've been off road
for a while now, Lucky.

Do you have a map?

Uh-huh.

Must be an implant.

I wonder who did his.

The guy who did mine
did not inspire confidence.

(cell phone ringing)

Lucky here. What?

Ow!

You sure about that?

Well, Luanne's
made her decision.

She's going to the
prom with that kid.

Uh...

when you're stumpin',

you don't talk
about relationships, right?

Nope.

Well, all right.

What did Lucky say?

Oh, he's hurtin'.

I can tell it in his voice.

We got to make this right.

(Elvin imitates high-pitched
squeal of tire deflating)

I wonder what sound you'll make.

(sighs): I'm 15 years old, and
I'm a high school senior.

I've lived through everything.

I've been teased,
I've been pantsed,

I've had my head
shoved in the toilet.

What can you do to me
that hasn't been done?

Kill you.

Luanne, you look almost lovely.

Almost?

That's why I want
you to have this.

(gasps):
A tiara!

It's so beautiful.

Just take good care of it.

It has been in the family
since Halloween of 1973.

(Hank sighs)

Five men,

one stump.

This is the sort of thing
they write books about.

You know what would make
for an even better book?

If one of us turned
into a werewolf right now.

(exaggerated grunting)

Uh, can't do it.

(thudding)

You okay?

We're getting close.

That was the exact same
gopher hole

I tripped in years ago.

And that's the same branch
I hit my head on.

I stumbled forward on my hands
and knees for 15...

No, 16 paces until...

Oh!

(gasps)

There it is!

(cackling hysterically)

(Bill and Dale laughing)

Oh, my God.

That's six burls
per square inch.

I've found you,
you burled son of a bitch!

(doorbell rings)

It's my prom date!

Coming!

This is such a magical night!

I feel just like Cinderella!

Little boy, did you used
to be a mouse?

I'm Kevin's brother.

He asked me to bring you this.

Oh, my God!

Kevin isn't taking me
to the prom.

(gasps)

I used to have a fianc?
who loved me!

Then he left me, and I thought,

"Oh, well, I get
to go to the prom.

At least I'll get
to be happy one night!"

But now,

I'll never be happy ever again!

Why is this happening,
Kevin's little brother?

Do you have any candy?

(crying)

I have no candy, either!

(sobbing)

(sobbing)

(quietly):
Go ahead, Bobby, ask her.

(quietly):
Don't make me, please!

(sobbing)

Ugh!

Luanne, I know it's
not for a few years,

but will you go
to my prom with me?

(frightened gasp)

Oh, honey, crying will
not make this go away.

I Will.

There's nothing to do,
Aunt Peggy.

Lucky's gone.

And Kevin's gone.

Maybe I'll just
crash the prom and...

everyone will suffer.

Well, I cannot make Lucky
a better man.

But I think I can help.

Come on, get your tiara.

PEGGY:
Kevin!

You are taking
Luanne to the prom.

You have to take me, Kevin!
I traded my fianc? for this!

But those men said
they'll kill me.

They'll have to get
past me first.

Well, you are pretty scary.

Yes, I am.

Now are you gonna to clip
on this bow tie, or am I?

Okay, guys, looks like we're
a little short on cable.

So all we need is to get
a few crowbars

underneath the stump

and leverage up
about six inches.

Then Lucky and I will pull
the winch cable taut,

lock it on

and pull it out.

All right, I'm ready, let's go.
Let's go, man.

Yay!

Okay, Lucky, let's do it.

One, two, three... now!

Just another inch or two!

(grunting and groaning)

Lucky, put your weight into it!

Oh, man, come on, man.

Lucky!

Have you seen this picture

of Luanne eating pancakes?

What sounds good to eat?

I'm not really hungry.

No, no, no, this is going to be

the best night
of my life, damn it!

You will have chicken
and I will have steak!

Just like I always imagined!

(gasps)

Kevin, you've got nothing
to worry about.

Elvin and Mud Dauber are not
going to do anything to you.

Not when they're already on
probation for violent crime.

What did they do?

I don't know.
Something with a nail gun.

Oh, there's an old lady
selling roses.

We will take one!

Oh, face it,

she was meant
for better men than us.

We were so close.

I've never felt
closer to anyone.

Talkin' bout ol' giving up, man.

Come on, man, you ain't got no
pain, there ain't no gain, man.

Boomhauer is right.

It took this long to find it,

we're not letting it go.
Yay!

So, Uncle Hank, you think
I should apologize to Luanne

and tell her that I love her
with all my heart

and if I can't do
something with her,

it's not worth doing at all?

(Sighs)

Don't take this
the wrong way, Lucky,

but I sincerely
don't care what you do.

I got ya.

Okay, let's do it!

(engine starting)

Huh.

Everything looks so beautiful.

Would you start
having a good time?

This night is going to make up
for how crappy my life is.

Let's dance.

I don't know.

Come on, it's easy.

I put my head here

and you put your
hand right here,

and maybe if you're lucky
you'll feel the baby kick.

Okay, go ahead.

Not so fast.

Okay, next.

Elvin?
What?

Have you ever been bit
by a brown recluse spider?

If I had, I'd be dead,

and you wouldn't be asking me
about it now, would you?

Shh. I see 'em.

Touch dancing.

(wood creaking)

Did you hear something?

Kevin, we're fine.

It's completely safe.

(gasps)

Aunt Peggy, help!

Coming!

Kevin, you are going
to have to fight.

I can't.

I know you think you can't.

But when pushed too far,

you nerds always have
amazing strength.

You can punch the bully out
with one punch.

I can't get a grip.

He's wriggling like a frog.

Then whomp him like one.

Kevin, summon your
amazing strength.

(loud honking)

(gasps)

There a problem here, boys?

Nothing can't be fixed.

Let the boy go, Elvin.

Did you get your stump?

I did a lot of thinking out
in those woods, Luanne.

And I came to realize...

that you are my stump.

Oh, Lucky.

I missed you.

I'm gonna go now.

Not so fast, boy.

My girl wants to have a prom,

and I'm not dressed
for one myself,

so go ahead and be her date.

But the last dance is mine.

And tell the D.J.
The last song

is gonna be "25
Or 6 To 4" by the great Chicago.

Oh!

(trembling breaths)

DALE:
I'm so cold.

We're all cold, Dale.

If we huddle together,

we'll retain our heat
and we won't get hypothermia.

Not a chance.

Come on, Hank.

No one will ever know.

I will.
And that's enough.

(Chicago's "25 Or 6 To 4" playing)

LUANNE:
Summon your amazing strength.

Ripped By mstoll