King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 11, Episode 11 - Bill, Bulk and the Body Buddies - full transcript

Ripped By mstoll

It's important to me
to make everyone look good,

but I never forget
that my main job

is to make everyone's head
fit in a helmet.

Hey, Norman.
What you got there?

Notice for our Army
physical examinations.

Barbers are up in six weeks.

I have to get another physical?!

But didn't I just get one?

Uh, four years ago.

You counting on another miracle?



(wheezing)

This, this thing...

(wheezing)

Making me run.

(Sighs)

Hmm. Well, soldier,
looks like you...

Passed?

Oh, this isn't right.

Frank, you bonehead,
you forgot to reset.

Well, what do we do?

Congratulations, soldier!

You passed!

I got lucky once, maybe
it'll happen again.

You really need luck?



Okay, you can rub my head.

Bill, you've got six weeks
to pass that physical.

That's plenty of time
to get into shape.

Really?

Yeah, man, but talk-talkin'
'bout ol' physician

before starting a dang
ol' exercise program, man.

Talkin' 'bout dang ol' tick,
tick, tick, boom, man.

DOCTOR: Yes, you need
to start eating right.

But what you really need
is exercise.

Have you considered
joining a gym?

A gym?

But I can't work out in public,

in front of all those
healthy people.

I'm too fat.

You're too fat to go to a gym?

Poor Bill.

Too fat to work out,
not fat enough to live in bed.

Well, you can always
work out at home.

A ton of people have tried
that and are now selling

their equipment on our
community bulletin board.

Hey, that's
Principal Moss's address.

This is some
nice equipment, Carl.

Wait. "Property of Tom
Landry Middle School"?

Football team
got all new equipment.

I thought, as principal,
it was my duty to sell it.

For the children.

So, Bill, what do you think?

I don't know.

I mean, I don't want
to lose my job...

That's where I go every day...

But this is all so pricey.

The children will take less.

Well, how about we all
go in on it together?

Then everyone can use it.

We'll set it up in your garage;

it'll be like
our own neighborhood gym.

So you guys
will get me in shape?

No, Bill.

We'll be there
to help you get started,

but the simple fact is,
only you can get you into shape.

Yeah, while I'm at it,

why don't I fly to the moon
and marry a mermaid?

You can do this, Bill.

You used to be
a high school athlete.

All you need is focus, a little
hard work and self-discipline.

I can throw in
an overhead projector.

This is the perfect place
for a gym.

It's close, it's quiet,
and it already smelled.

Yeah, it's so much
better than my gym.

Do you know how many skeevie
old men's cell phone cameras

go off when I get on
that inner thigh machine?

I'm kind of tired of my gym.

The machines are great,

but it's nothing
but gay sex all the time.

This should come with a cape!

Come on, Bill, you're up.

Maybe I could
lift weights later.

When everyone is gone.

This is not the place for you

to finally start
feeling embarrassed.

Yeah, it's a safe
environment, sug.

Peggy tooted on the hack squat
machine and nobody said a word.

(straining)

I did it!

(all cheering)
All right.

Yay!
Good for you.

I can get in shape!

I can pass my physical.

I can fly to the moon
and marry a mermaid!

To the moon!

(panting)

Pec Nectar.

Insane fuel for hard-core mass
and road map vascularity."

Hmm.

(screams)

Oh! Sorry.

I thought you were a bear.

You lookin' to get
jacked, brother?

I'm here to get some vitamins.

Vitamins?

You lookin' to fight
the sniffles or max your pump?!

I don't know...
I just want to get healthy.

Right on, bro.

Have you ever seen anything
more healthy than this?

I can't be that healthy.

You can't-ed your way
into that body, hombre.

Lucky for you, I can help.

Well, I would definitely
love the help,

but Hank says
I have to do this myself.

Hank?

I hate to see a guy like you,
with real desire,

being led astray by a workout
zero like this chump Hank!

Can your Hank do this?

Wow, Hank doesn't
even have those.

Exactly.

You know how I got 'em?

Spinach?

From a well-crafted
total fitness regimen.

Tell me, brother,
where do you work out?

I just have a
little gym at home.

Friend, this is your lucky day.

The Dirkster is taking over
your training.

No, but I could
never afford you.

I mean, you're huge.

I am.

That's why the local gyms
won't let me train.

They're jealous of my pump.

So this is what we're gonna do.

I'll train you for free, and
you let me use your home gym.

So it's not all up to me?

Well, that sounds great!

It's beyond great.
I can get you stacked,

jacked and juiced,
but I need 100% commitment!

I need you to pledge allegiance
to the nation of pump!

I need you to vow to get
in the best shape of your life!

You in, brother?

I'm in!

Brother!

Yep.

Yup.

Mm-hmm.

Dirk says this rapid-
release protein supplement

will really max my pump.

Question: Who is Dirk,

what is a rapid-release
protein supplement,

where is your pump and why
does Dirk want to max it?

Well, Dirk is a
personal trainer.

He's gonna create a
workout system for me

to ensure total fitness.

What?

Well, that's what

professional
personal trainers do.

They don't just send you out on
your own and hope for the best.

You know, like you did, Hank.

DALE:
Damn it, Hank,

sooner or later,
your sunny optimism

is going to get us all killed.

Ah, so nice.

Who thought Bill's
house could function as

something other than a
shrine to crushing misery?

(knock at door)

Ooh! My trainers here!

Hey, Bill, this is
Gorilla and Coach.

Let's blast some delts!

Gorilla in the house!

(rock music playing)

All right, tea party's over!

Excuse me, what are you doing?

Don't worry, just adding
a little resistance

to shred your bis.

(gasps)

Hey there, sweets,

let me help you.

See, your elbows aren't tight,

so you're missing out

on a sick rip!

(screaming)

His arm's having a heart attack!

I'll tell you why
I don't lift weights.

'Cause every time
I start to lift, I wait.

(both laughing)

Quiet down, Bobby.

Sorry, Dirk. You were
talking about my delts.

(Gorilla straining)

Big up, Gorilla!

Represent!

(grunts)

Hey, Hank!

Bill, these are your trainers?
They're huge!

I know! You can tell them that
if you want to. It's not rude.

Uh, that's okay.

Uh, so, those pants
sure are, uh, tiny.

You want to put on
some, uh... more pants

and come on out
for some light cardio?

Cardio!

(giggles)

Sorry, Hank, no time.

I'm moving on to biceps.

DIRK:
Yeah!

Time to feed the pythons!

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

DIRK & GORILLA:
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

ALL FOUR:
Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

(grunting)

Hmm. I don't like

being around those scary
weight-lifter guys.

They talk in yelling.

Yeah, and they look like

they're filled
with bowling balls.

They are freaks, Hank.

I swear I saw a live chicken
go in that gym

that did not come out.

Look, I'm not gonna tell you
I enjoyed what I saw,

but the truth is,
they've got Bill working out,

and that's what's important.

We'll just have
to work around them.

Body, body ♪

Wanna fee! My body ♪

Wanna feel my body, baby ♪

Body, such a thrill my body ♪

Such a thrill my body,
yeah, yeah ♪

Body, wanna touch my body ♪

Talkin' 'bout my body, well ♪

(groaning)

Every man wants to be
a macho, macho man ♪

To have the kind of body
always in demand ♪

Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey! ♪

Macho, macho man ♪

Macho man ♪

I've got to be a macho man ♪

I've got to be
a macho, macho man ♪

I've got to be a macho
Ow! ♪

Macho, macho man, yeah ♪

I've got to be
a macho man ♪

(buzzing)

Hey!

Problem?

Uh... no, sir!

You know the military physical

is mostly running
on a treadmill, right?

Run?

These guns run from nothing.

Ew!

Your bulk is so fierce.

Almost as swole as mine.

Damn, it's too bad

nobody else is here
to see this sweet rip.

Dude, I'm right here,

and I think
you're lookin' yolked.

I know, but I'm talking
about small people.

(Bill and Dirk straining)

(straining)

(loud grunting)

Huh.

We need to make some rules.

Hey, Bill, uh, you got a second?

(grunting)

(others grunting along)

Uh, Bill?

(grunting)

What's on your mind?

Uh, the thing is,

the atmosphere has changed
around here,

and people aren't really
comfortable

using the gym anymore.

There's nothing comfortable
about getting shredded, Hank.

What you're not

comfortable with
is hard work and pain.

That's 'cause
all you people are lazy.

Now, hold on.

Prove me wrong, Little Man.

Why don't you hit the bench?

I'm not getting on
the got-dang bench, Bill.

Quit being a jackass.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you smurfs start
your own gym across the way?

These look about your size.

(laughter)

You're a jerk, Bill.

Just forget it.

You can keep your weights.

Don't take it personal.

He's just jealous
of your juicy rip.

(laughing)

They're just weak.

They want this body!

Want this power!

Want this pump!

I'll show 'em who's a jerk!

(grunting)

(loud, angry grunting)

Ow!

(Weak groan)

(airy gasp)

Ugh! On!

COACH:
All right, Diesel!

You need a spot?

I... I need a... a doctor.

I pushed it... too hard.

This is great.

You've reached the threshold!

It's the moment
when your entire body

is screaming at you to stop,
and you think

there's a realistic chance
you might die.

I know it's a good workout

when blood vessels
in the back of my eyeballs pop!

No agony, no braggony.

Am I right?

Uh-uh.

Diesel's lost focus.

Guys, we're gonna have to move
in here and keep him true.

(Bill gasps)

(weakly):
No more. No more!

You're gonna want
to sleep, but don't worry.

I won't let that happen.

Yeah, but...

but I...

(airy whimpering)

ALL:
Push! Push! Push!

You look like you
need a protein fix.

"Look at me
eating eggs."

Show-off.

(groaning)

All right!

Good stack and rack, guys!

Wait, please.

Can I get a hand?

Nope, but if you can
get up by yourself,

you can sleep in your own bed

and use your own toilet.

We'll leave the thrash
metal on for motivation.

(loud, pounding,
thrashing metal playing)

Help!

Help!

(screaming):
Help!

(whimpers)

(whimpering)

DIRK:
George Washington, no mass.

Thomas Jefferson, no mass.

Freakin' Ben Franklin, no mass.

That's why they won't
let Arnold be president.

They're jealous!

It ain't right!

ALL:
War!

GORILLA:
Yeah!

Three! Yeah, yeah!

Here comes Jack!

Yeah!

(music blaring)

(mumbling)

(phone ringing)

(music blaring on other end)

Uh, hello?

BILL:
Hank! Hank!

Ugh! It's 3: 00
in the morning. Bill?

It's me! It's me Bill!

Ugh! Did you call just to let me
know you're working out?

Well, okay, I get it!

No!

(whimpers)

How much longer till bedtime?

14 minutes.

Righteous.

(loud music playing)

(grunting)

(Sighs)

(door opening)

All right, Diesel,
working the abs!

(turns music on)
But todays a pec day.

Hank, today is
Bill's Army physical;

Bobby, it's chicken and
dumplings for school lunch;

and I have a pap smear.

I hate chicken and dumplings.

I'll trade you, Mom.

Dang it.

I bet Bill forgot his
physical was today.

You gonna remind him, Dad?

No, I'm not, Bobby.

Mr. Dauterive is
no longer a friend,

he's just a pumped up,
annoying neighbor.

I'm a little grossed out
by him, too, Dad,

but he was human once.

Well, I guess
I should remind him.

If he loses his job,
he'll have to sell his weights,

and then he'll come over here

and crush our appliances
for exercise.

(straining)
Can't do it.

Damn it, Diesel,
we haven't gotten

a good rep out of you
in two days!

We were soft on him.

We let him down.

Oh, God.

Bill, did you forget
you have your physical today?

Bill hasn't passed
our physical yet.

And that's the only one
that matters, right, Diesel?

(groans)

Right on!
Yeah, you heard him!

Are you okay, Bill?

Sure he's okay.

He's in the zone!

So I tell Minh,

I trade this six-pack
for this six-pack.

(laughing)

She threw me out.

Guys.

And Kahn.

Hello.

I'm worried about Bill.

You should be.

You probably fall
somewhere between

a drumstick and a ham sandwich
to him these days.

He's hurt bad, and I think
those meatheads

are holding him captive.

I know, Boomhauer,

but what I just saw
was a glimpse of,

Well, Bill.

I mean, the real Bill,
with all his fear and anguish

and self-loathing,
and he looked hurt.

We need to get him to a doctor.

Push! Push! Push!

Rock and roll!

(straining)

Uh, hey, guys,
sorry to interrupt.

Uh, here's the thing:
We all admire your pump

so much,

we want you to help
swell our thick and such.

Right on, brothers.

I knew you'd come around.

Let's work on those traps.

Actually, uh, maybe he should
help with my traps.

His are way bigger than yours.

It's true.
Yeah, man, tell you what, man.

Coach?!

Please.

His traps are like speed bumps.

I've got a bus parked on
either side of my neck.

Speed bumps?!

(both straining)

Check it.

KAHN:
Actually, this one have

best physique
of all you GUYS-

Whoa, yeah!

Dig it

We're gonna get you
out of here, Bill.

Okay, let's lift him up.

Man, dang ol',
maybe we do need to lift

some got dang ol' weights,
man, pump our thick, man.

So what's the situation, Doctor?

Is he gonna be okay?

Well, it's incredible.

It's unlike anything
I've ever seen.

What are we looking at here?

I don't quite know
how to put this.

I mean, we don't even
have a term for it,

but your rectum ruptured,

and, well, your internal systems

became... external.

Oh, my God.

I know, it's amazing!

The pain must have
been unbearable!

Oh, sorry.

I can't work out for six months.

My muscles will be gone by then.

Well, you looked
better without them.

And, hey, at least your physical
was postponed until you recover.

Yeah.

Well, look at it this way.

You've got a new goal:
Dropping that extra weight.

Let's start with a really
killer walk to the mailbox.

Hows that?

You feel the burn?

No.

Perfect.

GORILLA:
No agony, no braggony!

Ripped By mstoll