King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 11, Episode 12 - Lucky's Wedding Suit - full transcript

Ripped By mstoll

So you've, uh...
got bedbugs?

It was only a matter of time.

Man, you look just like
a dang ol' leper, man.

You talkin' 'bout don't
make me itch, man.

Uh, man.

It's not just Bill.

There's a bedbug
epidemic going on!

Well, you're awful chipper
about it.

I've got more work
than I can handle.

And my, shall we say,
lack of competence



creates a lot
of repeat business.

Little help, Hank?

Of course not.

For only a thousand dollars

we can rent a matching set
of penguins

to show people
to their reception tables.

Huh, sounds kind of classy.

(snorts softly)

That is your third snort
in five minutes, Hank,

and I know for a fact
you do not have a head cold.

I'm sorry, but this wedding
is getting out of control.

What you guys should be doing
is saving your money

so you can move out of my den.

The house across the street's
for sale,



how about putting it
towards that?

Ooh!

We could get married on a cliff

in front of a castle!

Luanne, that's not even
a picture of a wedding.

It's a Jaguar ad.

Baby doll, there is
nothing I want more

than to make your
dreams come true.

And since you're rich, you can!

Well, now, my settlement
money was down to $9,000

after buying my new truck rims.

You're rich and you can!

Of course, baby girl.

(Hank sighs)

HANK:
It's just dang ridiculous.

They should be planning
for their future...

A future that's not in my den.

Hank?

Luanne is a pregnant
college drop-out,

marrying a 38-year-old
snaggle-toothed

slip-and-fall man.

It is extremely likely

that her wedding day

is going to be
the best day of her life.

Do not take that away from her.

Lucky!

Evenin', Uncle Hank.

I'd give it a minute
if I were you.

Oh, and by the way,
I share your concerns

about being able to provide
for Luanne's future.

Well, if you're that concerned,

you could always get a job.

A job huh?

Well, I did always like the idea

of being a state trooper.

You know, the-hunted-becomes-
the-hunter type thing?

But I don't think
they'll go for it.

Thanks anyway, Uncle Hank.

Ugh.

Peggy, I'm going to go
brush my teeth at Boomhauer's.

ALL: With liberty and
justice for all.

Amen.

All right, everybody,

let's get to work.

Dale? What are you
doing here?

I'm here to treat for bedbugs.

Isn't it great?
They're everywhere!

Whoa!

Is it okay to breathe
this stuff?

No time for small talk, Enrique.

I have ten other
service calls today

and I'm already running behind.

Well, if you're really
stretched that thin,

Lucky's looking for a job.

He's got a baby on the way

and needs to find a place
of his own to raise it.

Hmm...

A man under extreme
domestic pressure.

He would be very compliant.

Tell him to report
at 0900 hours...

And it's his day
to bring muffins.

Oops.

Lord, these gowns
are price-y.

Uh-huh.

And, as a pregnant bride,

the more money you spend,
the less shame you'll feel.

Now, Luanne is going to assign
each of you a body part,

and you have to tell her
if it looks bad in the dress.

I've got back fat!

(Gasps)

I found it!

Her butt going to look
huge in that.

I've got backside!

Welcome to Dale's Dead Bug,

World Headquarters.

All right, time to gear up.

This is your gas mask.

And these are your goggles.

(laughing)

You look like a bug!

You look like a bug.

And I know what to do
with a bug!

(Men playfully grunting
and making mock fight sounds)

(screams)

Ew...

Ow.

(Sobbing)

Why do my boyfriends always die?

I'm so sorry, Lucky!

(both sobbing)

I'm so sorry!
Lucky?

You got nothing to be
sorry for, Dale.

These things just happen.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Wow, Lucky.

That's really
philosophical of you.

Well, I've been through this
a couple times before.

Of course I'm gonna have
to sue you...

But after that,
everything's gonna be fine.

Sue me?
Hang in there, buddy.

I'm giving you a morphine drip.

'Preciate it.

I find that
three cc's dulls the pain

without affecting the
admissibility of my testimony.

Mm...

LUCKY:
Ohhh...

I'm sorry you're in such pain.

Me having to sue Dale
hurts almost as much

as my grievous injuries.

But I have no choice.

I can't work,
and you need your wedding.

And now, because of your
ruptures and contusions,

we can have a fantastic wedding!

(man clears throat)

LUCKY:
Hey!

It's Lawyer Johnson!

Hello, Lucky!

Mm! When I say you look like
a million bucks, I mean it!

Are you the one who's gonna
get us all the money?

Lucky's done the hard part.

So, are you suffering from
nausea? Blackouts? Vomiting?

No more so than usual.

I didn't hear that.

I just heard nausea,
blackouts and vomiting.

Now, Mr. Johnson,

since I'm suing
a friend of the family,

I don't want to get greedy.

Mm, that's very noble.

You just leave the worrying
about being greedy to me.

(Grumbling)

I can't believe
I'm getting sued.

And by Edward Johnson,
the "King of Torts."

He won that title
in a lawsuit, you know.

You got to help me, Hank.

Now, look, I know this
whole thing is asinine,

but this is exactly why you have
liability insurance.

You do have
liability insurance, don't you?

Yeah, because you made me.

Hey, thanks.

How 'bout this, Luanne.

You ride down the aisle
on a white horse.

(chuckles):
White horse? Seen it.

(gasps):
How 'bout a unicorn?

Uncle Hank, you have
to try this cake.

The icing is made
out of 24-carat gold.

You're so bent on wasting money
you're going to eat gold?

(sighs):
Extravagance!

What if we have doves
land on the cake?!

Of course, we'll have
to train them

not to poop on it.

(cell phone ringing)

I'm not insured!

Mr. Gribble, I'd like to
thank you for coming today

with your counsel.
Don't answer that.

It wasn't a question, Counselor,

it was a pleasantry.

(Scoffs):
Don't look at me.

Mr. Gribble, with your
counsel's permission

and mind you, I'm not
looking at him,

I would like to address
your lack of insurance.

Where will we get
the money for our wedding?

My dear, don't worry.

Rule number one in litigation
is: Somebody always pays.

Now, my client's injuries

resulted from an incident
involving pesticide spray.

Who makes your pesticide?

And the answer I'm looking for

is one of the deep pocket
poison makers.

Dow. Dupont. Ciba-Geigy.

I make my own.

Oh. Okay.

Uh, what about the stairs
Lucky fell down?

Were they built
by a large developer?

Successful contractor?

I built them...
without a permit.

(Sighs)

Well, Dale's Dead
Bug gets us nothing.

If you want to play hardball,

we could probably
take Gribble's house.

Yeah, let's take
Gribble's house.

No, don't take Gribble's house!

Believe me, you don't want it.

There's so many liens
and assessments against it,

Gribble barely owns it.

Yeah. Well, it's still
better than nothing.

I'm sorry, Dale.

Damn Hank for making me
hire you!

Hank?

Who's Hank?

We have a 24-hour rule here,
Joe Jack.

Good news, Hank.

Luckys not suing me anymore.

We've resolved everything.

Oh, thank God.

Sol guess that means
you two are going to have

a sensible, inexpensive
wedding after all, huh?

Nuh-uh, it's gonna be
a blowout!

JOHNSON:
Mr. Hill,

I have filed a lawsuit
on behalf of my client

against Strickland Propane.
HANK: What?!

How can you possibly
sue Strickland?

Because it was you, as a
Strickland Propane employee,

who set this tragic chain
of events in motion.

Yeah, none of this
would have happened

if you hadn't persuaded
me to hire Lucky.

Oh! I'm getting
my dream wedding!

Let me get a hug, too.

(Luanne squeals)

Uncle Hank,
bring your leg over here

It's the best I can do.

You explain to me how
Strickland had anything to do

with Lucky getting hurt...
And no mumbo jumbo.

Strickland Propane
is what the law refers to

as the "respondent superior."

That's mumbo jumbo
for when an employer...

Strickland Propane...
Is responsible

for the wrongful acts
of its employee-you.

Buck's making a dash
for his Caddy!

Uh, we've got a
situation here, Buck.

I know it, OI' Top.

Got my trouble bag,
and I'm headed for the border.

Since you're jobless,

we can take as long
a honeymoon as we want.

What are you so mad about?

Strickland Propane's
got the insurance

to pay for everything.

Because it's wrong!

Frivolous lawsuits are chasing
good people out of business,

people who sell propane,

people who manufacture
flu vaccine,

and people who make lawn darts.

And one day, because
of all the damn lawyers,

there might not even be
any doctors to deliver babies.

I get the propane and doctors,

but what's wrong with lawn darts?

I hate to see a man

Armor-All his
truck in anger.

I guess you got every right
to be mad at me, Uncle Hank,

but Luanne wants
her dream wedding pretty bad.

So you're going to sue innocent
people to give it to her?

Look, Lucky,

this isn't just about
getting out of my house

or throwing
an extravagant wedding.

This is about
knowing the difference

between right and wrong so you
can teach it to your kids.

So you ate the warning label
and choked on it?

Yeah, and now I want to sue
someone for a lot of money.

You're the boss, Jimmy.

I'm the boss!

Mr. Johnson, I want
to drop the lawsuit.

I don't feel right

about suing Strickland Propane.

They didn't do nothin' wrong.

Well, they were in the wrong
place at the wrong time.

That's two wrongs.

Look, Lucky,

you've got a winner of a case.

I'd be guilty
of legal malpractice

if I let you drop it.

You don't want me
to lose my license, do you?

(Sighs)

For God's sake, Bill,

you've been picking,
haven't you?

I'm sorry, Hank, I'm a picker.

Uncle Hank,
I tried to drop the lawsuit,

but Lawyer Johnson
explained to me in lawyer talk

how it couldn't be done.

(Sighs)

I guess we're going to have
to hire a lawyer of our own.

Buck's got a list of them
taped under his desk.

Unless...

But most of Buck's lawyers
are paternity guys.

I said unless!

Thank you.

Okay, everyone always fakes
an injury so they can sue.

But just suppose
Lucky were to fake

not being injured
so he couldn't sue.

Elegant, unexpected, not cliche.

Huh.

If we make it look like
Lucky's not hurt,

then Johnson can't
make money on this case.

I bet he'll drop it
in a heartbeat.

All right, you ready?

I reckon.

(groans)

That's the ladies' tee.

I ain't hitting
from the ladies' tee.

It really doesn't matter.

I ain't hitting
from the ladies' tee.

(groans):
All right.

Action.

Cut.
Ow...!

I know you're in misery, Lucky,
but just try to hold it together

long enough for Johnson
to see the tape.

Well, this is an
unexpected visit.

But they cost the same
as any other...

$400 an hour.

Well, this won't take long.

I caught this joker red-handed.

He's faking his injuries.

I give you

exhibit A.

Ain't this a curve ball.

This tape is shown in court,
Mr. Hill and Strickland Propane

are off the hook.

Well, if Strickland Propane's
deep pockets are closed,

then Lucky's gonna have
some sizeable legal fees

to settle... himself.

I reckon that's fair.

As soon as I get a job,
I'll put in for overtime.

Thanks.

Well, I'm not
your got-dang maid.

Allow me!
I'll get it.

Let the man

with the perfectly healthy back
pick it up.

(groans)

Dale?

You look like a bug.

What?

I said you look like a bug.

And I know what to do with bugs.

Remember?

Uh...

I believe I do.

En garde!

(screams)

(screams)

Oh, my God!

My back!

I can't move!

What the heck
is wrong with you?!

Oh, uh, these two are always
horsing around with each other,

whether it's on the
stairs of Dale's house

or inside your office.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on here.

You can't blame this on me.

Well, sure we can.

According to this tape,
Lucky was healthy

until he got to your office.

I'm sure there's
plenty of lawyers

who would like to help
us make that case.

Okay, okay, I hear you.

I'll pay your usual settlement
quote, but not a penny more.

$53,000!

We could pay LeAnn Rimes to
sing "Here Comes the Bride!"

Yeah, I suppose
we could do that.

Or we could use the money
for something more responsible.

How does that sound?

Sounds like you've been
talking to Uncle Hank.

Hear me out, baby girl.

We could have a small wedding
here, and use this money

to put a down payment
on that house across the way,

cover expenses while I find
a job, and buy more of these.

Our baby has a wardrobe to
wear, in our new house?!

I love you, Luanne.

I love you, too, Lucky.

Eh! I have been told not
to let anyone see the bride.

(sighs): Just let me
in the door, son.

(knocking)

My dad's here to see you.

LUANNE:
Let him in.

Uncle Hank,
I'm glad you gave Lucky and me

a simple, plain wedding that...
doesn't really stand out,

that could be anyone's, really.

The folding chairs
are very nice.

Look, Luanne,
I know I didn't give you

the wedding cake made of gold
or the Jaguar ad of your dreams,

but I wanted you to have this
as a wedding present.

Is it a bill?

It's a Fun Fare to anywhere
you and Lucky want to go

for your honeymoon in the
continental United States.

Some restrictions do apply.

(gasps):
We could go to Dollywood!

(gasps):
Or the real Mystic Pizza!

Oh...

(sobbing):
Oh, thank you!

I'm sorry to interrupt,
but Reverend Stroop is here.

Yuh-huh.

I'll take it that by "yuh-huh,"
Luanne is saying "I do."

Yuh-huh!

Then I pronounce
Elroy Kleinschmidt

and Luanne Platter

man and wife.

You may now kiss the bride.

(burps loudly)

(gunshot)

Let's celebrate!

Mr. Kahn, I'll have a mai tai!

(playing "Wedding March")

(playing "Feels So Good")

(crowd cheering, whistling)

This isn't rice.

It's bird seed, dude.

(laughs)

LUANNE:
Bye!

Okay, I'm gonna throw it now.

I got it!

Connie, you drop that right now!

And wash your hands!

This is a blessed day.

Now, who wants to rock?!

(shouts of agreement)

REDCORN:
♪ Hey, little sister ♪

What have you done ♪

Hey, little sister ♪

Who's the only one... ♪

Hey, Minh, it's our song!

(Grunting)

Hold on, baby doll.

(Straining)

Come on, Bobby,
let's help them out.

Wow, man, tell you what, man,

like the dang ol'
enormity of it all, man.

Well,

you just gave away
a bride, Hank.

I know. I've got, uh,
well, I'd guess you'd call it...

emotions. DALE: Me, too.

I'm a sucker for weddings!

All the flowers
and the loving vows

and the ring pillow
and... (sobs)

I'm sorry.

(both sobbing)

(clears throat, sniffles)

Yep.

Yep.

Mm-hmm.

Yep.

Yep.

With liberty
and justice for all.

Ripped By mstoll