King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 11, Episode 1 - The Peggy Horror Picture Show - full transcript

Ripped By mstoll

(glasses clink)

My very first clothing exchange.

I've never felt so cosmopolitan.

That's a word
I learned in a bar.

So...

the magazine says we each
present an item of clothing,

and the first one
to call dibs gets it.

Oh, like a key party.

Or so I've heard.

Okay, these boots
I only wore once,



and then I stopped
wearing maroon.

Dibs!

These are adorable!

I have the perfect out fit for...

(grunting)

Oh, right.

Dibs!

I want to try them!

Oh!
Are they cute on you.

Perfect!
Yay!

Okay, everybody, my turn.

How about these?

They're functional.

They can go straight
from a PTA meeting



to a sexy night on the town.

Aunt Peggy,
culottes aren't cool.

Even though it sounds
like they should be.

Oh, sug, surely someone
will want these...

overalls.

(grunting)

(sighs)

So how was your
clothes exchange?

I bet Nancy liked that old
softball jersey of yours.

As it turns out,

Nancy would rather have a pair
of men's dirty flip-flops

than my softball jersey.

Apparently,
it wasn't feminine enough.

You think I'm feminine,
don't you, Hank?

Well, sure you are.

You're a wife and a mother.

Yeah, there's that.

I just felt so ungainly
compared to those women.

Why don't you call
your shoe store in Lubbock?

I'm treating you
to some new shoes.

Thank you, Hank.

And by the way,

you're wearing my jeans again.

(laughing)

This is the greatest
book I've ever read.

Wow, Dr. Prankenstein

has a degree in "Hee"
with a minor in "Haa."

Joseph, have you seen
my lucky switchblade comb?

I already told you!

I broke it!

(sighing)

Ah, you're right.

Sorry I snapped at you, Joseph.

See, there's going to be a coup
today at the gun club

and I may become
the new president

if I can get over
these pre-coup jitters.

Mr. Gribble, I know
what would help you relax.

How would you like
a 25-cent massage?

Who wouldn't?

Here you go,
Mr. Gribble.

One 25-cent massage coming up.

You just roll this gently
all over your face.

Wow, this is fantastic, Bobby.

(chuckling)
(chuckling)

This is as relaxing
as smoking used to be.

Well...

off to my coup.

(giggling)

We gotto go watch this.

MAN: Hello? Hello,
Lubbock's VeryBig Shoes.

Guess what I'm calling about?

Sorry, lady, the shoe store went
out of business.

We're a dog bakery now.
(dogs barking in background)

Aunt Peggy!

Look what I got.

A bracelet.

It's what some women wear
on their wrists.

It's like jewelry.

Yes, Luanne, I know
what a bracelet is.

Hello, do you have a pump
in a size... 16?

Which brand?

Oh, my God.

(gasps)

Wedges?

Sandals?

These boots...

they're just like Nancy's.

It's too big.

Okay, phase one
of the coup is underway.

Spiro's safely locked and secure
in the snack closet.

It's time to pick
our new leader.

Our short list is
Earl Boley and Dale Gribble.

Where's Dale?

Coward didn't show.

All right,

looks like you're our
new president, Earl.

(grunts)
(door opening)

(men gasp)

Hey, guys.

I think he's wearing war paint.

I'm with Dale.

MAN: Me, too. Give me that pen!

I don't get it.

They're not laughing at him.

MAN: I say we make Gribble
the new president.

All in favor,
fire once into the ground.

(gunshots)

Maybe we didn't do it right.

(pop music plays over speakers)

How much do you love
zebra print?

Okay.

You know how when you see
a really cute baby,

and you just want to eat it?

That is howl feel
about these shoes.

Oh, here, you take it.

Oh, thank you.

Peggy.

Carolyn.

I usually hear this,
not say it...

nice grip.

Excuse me.
Is this seat taken?

Who are you talking to?

Different people.

I want to see my new
clothes in action

before I commit to owning them.

It's a technique I learned

from this interesting
woman I met today.

Her name is Carolyn
and she wears gloves.

Gloves?

Huh, that is interesting.

I felt this instant sense
of camaraderie with her

that I don't normally find
with other women.

So you've got someone to talk to
about this stuff now?

That's great.

Yes, it is, Hank.

Taxi!

Hmm, this chicken curry
is delicious.

I could understand why it is one
of Oprah's favorite sandwiches.

Peggy, you ate
that whole sandwich.

Yes, yes, I did.

(sighs)

I'm sorry.
That was very unladylike.

And none of your lipstick
smeared or came off at all.

How do you do that?

Well, just before biting,

I move the teeth forward
and slide the lip up.

I'll show you in slo-mo.

It works!

This is going to be a lifesaver.

See, I do this song and
dance act on the weekends,

and I need to be able
to snack between sets,

so I don't pass out during the
particularly emotional numbers.

Thank you, Peggy.

I got the idea

from watching Shark Attacks
on the Nature Channel,

or a Bette Davis movie...
I can't remember.

I don't know why
everyone doesn't drive

with their high beams on.

You see so much better.

So, the glasses.

Are you afraid
of the laser surgery, too?

'Cause the closest I want to get
to a laser is front row

at a Chaka Khan concert.

Actually, the glasses
hide thin brows,

fine lines and wrinkles.

People do not say it,

but they make me look
ten years younger.

True that.

Oh, Carolyn, if there wasn't
a parking brake between us,

I'd think we were
connected at the hip.

Oh, my God, the
parking brake's on.

(brakes squeak)

WOMAN:
Ooh.

I helped myself to some tea.

Hey, Mom.

Sorry I'm late.

Do not apologize for yourself,
now or ever.

I love the new wig, son.
Gorgeous.

Thanks. I just had the best time
with this new girl, Peggy Hill.

I don't know
what his real name is.

Nancy, it's Peggy.

I can't go shopping
with you tomorrow.

I'm hanging out
with my new gal pal.

I should call Minh, too.

Oh, it's so nice
to have a friend

who's strong enough to push
her way through a sale.

Nancy always fell somewhere
between lingerie and handbags.

Some of my friends are
too scared to go to the mall.

They buy everything online.

Thank goodness I hid all
the good stuff last week.

Ta-da.

(soft grunt)

I love it. I have
to wear scarves in the show.

So, what do you do in your act?

Well, I don't do any one artist
like some of the girls do.

A little Liza, Barbra, Celine.

My favorites.

(gasps)

You really know
how to work a scarf.

Hey, I've always wanted
to do a duet in the show.

You and me, Peggy...
what do you say?

Yes.
Great!

Just bring your own eyelashes.

I always do.

I'm everywoman ♪

And one more time.

It's all in me ♪

Anything you want done, baby ♪

I'll do it naturally... ♪

Now don't be afraid
to move your head a little

during the humming part,

so people will know
you're pretending to hum.

Mm-hmm.

I'm every woman ♪

It's all in me... ♪

Hey, Hank, stand back.

We're kicking.

Okay, then.

Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa... ♪

Oh. Carolyn, this is
my husband, Hank.

Nice to meet you, Carolyn.

Carolyn.

I always liked that name.

I thought it was a good one.

Well, I'll get out
of your way, ladies.

Bobby, this is my
new friend, Carolyn.

Carolyn, my son, Bobby.

Hey.

Oh.

So, did you two adopt?

No, ma'am, and I have the
stretch marks to prove it.

Stretch marks?

Nothing seems to diminish them.

Not shea butter,

not cow placenta,

not goat placenta.

Really?

Mm-hmm, oh, yeah.

I imagine this is
what it looks like

when you're stabbed
in the stomach

at several different angles,
huh?

Uh, yeah, stabbing.

Could I have another drink,
please?

(laughter)

Mm. Oh, some string!

Oh, a dollar!

What the...

Oh.

Damn wind.

Pull the string again.

Mr. Dauterive really
cares about money.

Where'd you go? Where'd you go?
Oh, geez!

Oh, there it is.
Oh! Oh, darn it.

(tires squealing)

(thudding crash)

Oh, my God!

Are you okay?
(glass clinking)

(slurring): I'm doing
better now, sweet cheeks.

I never seen eyes so dilated.

I could lose myself in them.

You know, I really
shouldn't be driving.

You want to take the wheel?

Sure.

Did you see his face?

Yeah, he was happy.

I know!

What kind of joke book is this?

Mom, I need to talk to you.
It's about Peggy.

What's her problem?

Mom, she's a real woman, and...

You mean a biological woman.

Just because
you were born a male

doesn't make you
any less of a woman.

Let no one clip your wings,
baby.

Could you stop being supportive
for one second and listen?

I've got a problem.

I can't let a real woman
perform with me.

It's a drag show.

Do what you need to do.

As long as there is no shame
involved, hear me?

You're a person!

Oh, Mother.

HANK:
Peggy,

you almost forgot this thing.

I'll be in the front row.

Yeah, that might not be
such a good idea.

Apparently, they single out
newcomers and embarrass them.

You know, like at church.

Well, I'll be in the back
by the sound board then.

That outfit...

it's very becoming.

(whooping)

Looking good, Sug.

MINH:
Yeah! Big hair

kind of works for you.

Where you going all dolled up?

Well, I'm on my way to perform
with my new friend, Carolyn,

in a glamorous revue.

Would you both like to come?

Wow. Five-drink minimum.

Yes, and I would prefer it

if you didn't get drunk
and embarrass me.

We'll see you there.
Break a leg!

Yeah, whatever.

What does it mean

if instead of a purse,

a woman carries a
tattered grocery bag?

Uh, hey.

Hello.

Is Peggy here?

Uh, no, she's not.

Uh, can I help you?

I'm her husband.

I'm Jamie.

Uh, I know Carolyn.

We're friends.

Close friends.

Oh. Well,
that Carolyn is great.

She's quite a catch
there, Jamie.

What do you say to a beer?

I say, 'Where have you been
all morning?"

(laughs)
Good one!

Yeah, I'll have
to remember that one.

So, Carolyn needs me to
find Peggy before the show.

When do you expect her back?

Well, she had to get something
for her costume.

She called it
a sequin emergency.

I asked her to call it
something else, but she refused.

Then she's going right
to the club.

I'll just, uh, catch her there.

Bye, guys.

I like nice people.

Show time!

If she wasn't dead, I'd swear
you were the real thing.

Peggy...

That Diana Ross
looks freaking amazing.

We are going to have to pretend

sing our hearts out
to outshine her.

Honey, we can't do the routine.

I have something to tell you.

Well, what is it?

(exhaling)

Peggy, I'm a drag queen.

But I thought most
drag queens were men.

I am a man.

I'd take off my wig to show you,

but it's too close to curtain.

So then I don't understand
why you invited me

to do this show with you
in the first place...

Oh, my God.

You thought I was a man?

We had the same size feet,

and you were shopping
at The Closet.

It's a store for
drag queens, Peggy.

I-I didn't know.

Well, if it makes you
feel any better,

I thought you were
the best I'd ever seen.

It doesn't!

Hey, Sug...

here we are! What kind
of place is this?

(sobbing)

(sobbing)

Come on, Peggy Hill.
Open the door!

We're here to comfort you.

Sorry everybody thinks
you're a man, Aunt Peggy.

You knowhow everybody is.

Go away!

Sug, you coached
a women's softball league.

If that's not feminine,
I don't know what is.

We're trying to cheer her up,
not tick her off.

You want to get
punched in the face?

That woman's got fists
like frozen turkeys.

I could still hear you, ya know.

(phone ringing)

Don't answer it.

Well, Peggy,
that's like telling a lie.

You just don't do that.
(phone ringing)

Fine. Then I'm not here.

(phone ringing)
But that's also a lie.

Hill residence.

Uh, she's not here.

Okay, Carolyn.

Dang it.

Did she think you were me?

I do sound like a man
apparently.

What are you talking about?

Carolyn, my friend,

is really a man
who dresses up like a woman.

Now, now hold on.

That doesn't make any sense.

And he thought that I was
also a man dressed as a woman,

but I am not.

I am a woman
who looks like a man.

What? No,
you're not.

Then why is it
that the only woman

I can relate to is a man?

And here I was feeling feminine
for the first time in my life.

I have never felt so ugly!

Isn't this something you
should be talking about

with your girlfriends?

You know, like that Carolyn.

Hank, are you even
listening to me?

(sobbing)

Hello, Carolyn.

I was calling to get
Jamie's number.

Oh, he is? Oh, that'd be great.

Hello, Jamie.

Can I take your order?

Uh... I'll have a
normal orange juice, please.

Make it normal.

Okay, and which
nutrient booster?

Uh, no, no, I won't be
needing anymore nutrients.

I'm having a steak later.

Thanks for meeting me.

I, uh... I have to talk to you

about something that I can't
talk about with the guys.

Sure, Hank, shoot.

Well, my wife is really upset.

I think maybe she and Carolyn
had a fight or something.

I don't know.

Has Carolyn talked
to you about this?

She has. And believe me,
she adores Peggy.

She thinks she's a
model of femininity.

Actually, she wishes
she could be more like her.

Well, Carolyn's one
of the best girlfriends

Peggy has ever had.

You think maybe you
could talk to Carolyn,

see if they can't
patch things up?

Yes, she'll take care of this.

Women need to work out
their problems emotionally.

Boy, I've gotto
hand it to you, Jamie.

You sure do know
a lot about women.

Oh, shoot.

Sorry your food is ruined.
We've got pizza.

My mom just got me a credit
card, so we went crazy.

Wow, thanks.

This book stinks!

No, dude, every time
you do a prank,

something good happens.

That's a magic book!

(sighing):
I don't know.

I do. You've got
to prank me, dude.

Oh, okay.

Make me rich and handsome.

If your hand is bigger
than your face,

all your wishes will come true.

Cool.

Ow!

So, am I handsome?

(grunting)

(doorbell ringing)

Oh, hello.
Peggy, it's Carolyn.

Peggy, stop right there.

What do you want?

I want you to drop that sad
blanket and come with me.

I need to show you something.

Will I be humiliated in anyway?

I swear on my mother's
unwavering support

that you will not.

Uh, Peggy, I don't like
to butt into your affairs,

but you should go with her.

Whatever you've
been going through,

well, I think Carolyn can help.

Fine.

I will get my purse.

And grab your trash bag
full of clothes.

Hurry!
Why?

It's just more dramatic.

Have a seat, Peggy.

Girls, this is Peggy Hill.

She is the one responsible
for that great tip

about the lipstick and
the one about the glasses.

Look at me.
I'm a girl again.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

No, wait. I...

Is this what I think it is?

A denim vest
with appliqués on it?

Oh, I want that.

It's so Mandrell Sisters
VarietyHour!

Mm-hmm, I had
a feeling

your stuff would
go quickly here.

So this is why you
brought me here?

To show me that a bunch
of men want my clothes?

A bunch of men who want to look
like women want your clothes.

Uh-huh.

But, come on, aren't you
all more impressed by women

who are fancier and
daintier and girlier?

Honey, wispy women
are a dime a dozen.

You said it, girl.

Yeah, baby.

Peggy, drag queens model
themselves after strong,

substantial, fearless women,

women who aren't afraid
to wear purple gauchos

and MC Hammer glasses,

women who only need one name
to describe themselves,

like Liza, Barbra and Cher.

You, my dear, are simply Peggy.

Peggy.

That does make sense.

Girl, you are fierce.

Deal with it.

I have gotto have
these platform sneakers.

They are yours.

PEGGY: Okay, who's
hoarding the turtle necks?

I know you've got them!

CAROLYN'S MOTHER: Let no
one clip your wings, baby.

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