King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 10, Episode 15 - Edu-macating Lucky - full transcript
Lucky, Luanne's good-for-nothing boyfriend, won't marry her until he passes his ged test; when he asks Peggy to tutor him, she schemes to end their relationship by teaching him all the wrong answers.
Wind, seven miles per hour
from the north.
Barometric pressure 29.73.
Dew point: 64 degrees.
Can't we just
listen to music
when we wake up?
( groans )
Wait. What was
the dew point again?
( yawns )
( clinking )
Uhh...
Morning, Aunt Peggy.
Go home.
( squealing )
Good morning.
Again.
Hope you don't mind.
I crashed on your
couch last night.
I was going to sleep
on the air mattress,
but I fell asleep
blowing it up.
Morning, Uncle Hank.
Here you go.
Two dollops
of shaving cream
I borrowed from you
last week.
Keep the baggie
as interest.
Uh... thanks, Lucky,
but you really
didn't have to...
Yes, I did.
It would be against
my code of honor
to borrow something
and not pay it back.
As my grandpappy
used to say...
Perfect.
He's got a grandpappy.
BOBBY:
Lucky and I watched
a police chase
for two hours last night.
He says what you're supposed
to do in that situation
is run into a mall.
Well, as Lucky says,
"I'm outy."
I am going to snap, Hank.
Lucky never leaves.
Do you know he's having
his TV Guide sent here?
I know. And whenever
I come home,
the TV's always set to
the Game Show Network.
I don't even know why
it bothers me
so much, but it does.
And he's a bad influence
on Luanne.
She can do whatever
she wants with her life:
finish college,
open her own salon--
but she is never going
to do anything
with that loser
in the picture.
BOBBY:
Hey, is that Lucky
on Cops?
I can't believe
that Luanne is throwing
her life away
on a guy whose
big claim to fame
is that he "slipped
on pee pee" at the Costco,
and got a $53,000
settlement.
And he's pretty much
blown through that
making his truck shiny.
I don't know.
There's something
about that one tooth of his
that's kind of sexy.
Don't worry, Peggy Hill.
Lucky won't
be around forever.
He got hunting accident
written all over him.
Oh, shush!
Here he comes.
Ladies, Family Feud's a Dawson,
if y'all want to come on in.
Still warm.
Uh-huh.
So Luanne tells me you
won four substitute
teacher awards.
Three.
It should have been four.
I guess some people
are happy to say
the same old
Pledge of Allegiance
for the rest of their lives.
Well, I've been thinking
about getting my G.E.D.
I was just wondering if
you could, you know, tutor me?
Ugh! You don't even have
a high school education?
No, ma'am.
My formal education
ended at the
ninth grade.
That's when I started smoking.
And they wouldn't
let me smoke in school, so...
Wonderful.
I can't even say
it was the wrong choice,
since I been smoking ever since.
I'll see if my schedule permits.
If Hank knew you
touched his underpants,
he'd put you
through a wall.
Well, of course
I'm not going to tutor him.
Just the thought of being in
the same room with him... Ugh!
Well, Lucky wants
to earn his G.E.D.
You got to hand it to a guy
who wants to better himself.
If someone wants to learn,
don't you teachers have
some kind of moral obligation?
Well, as much as I hate
to say it, you're right.
As an educator, I have no choice
but to help.
I don't remember
if I took an actual oath,
but I can't imagine
that I didn't.
Morning, all.
Study hard, Lucky.
Whatever you do, don't
correct her Spanish.
Okay, let's
get started.
My name is...
Aw, you don't have
to write that, Aunt Peggy.
I'll remember your name.
Mrs. Hill.
I prefer to keep things formal.
( giggling )
Hello, teacher.
Hello, student.
How's my boy
doing so far?
Maybe we should schedule
a girlfriend-teacher conference.
( both laughing )
That's real funny,
baby girl.
I'm dating a regular
Fozzie Bear.
Aw...
Escucha me.
We are starting now.
Bye.
Okay, Lucky,
the first thing
we need to do
is work on your reading
comprehension skills.
The Adventures
of Huckleberry Finn,
by Mark Twain.
Your homework is to read
the first 50 pages,
which we will discuss tomorrow.
Hope it's okay with you,
but I already done that.
Luanne mentioned
we were going to read it.
Oh.
I get the feeling that
the river
ain't just a river.
Like it's supposed
to represent something.
Am I way off base here?
Let me just refresh myself.
No whammies! No whammies!
No whammies!
Ugh! Game Show Network.
Yep.
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
I got drunk last night,
called in to the
Jewelry Channel again.
They put me on the air,
and I ended up crying.
I bought a ring for Peggy.
Shh! Shh! Shh!
Hey, Peggy.
So how's it going with Lucky?
Not as bad as
I thought it would.
Did you know
he'll be the first person
in his whole family
to get a high school diploma?
Well, how about that?
I'll bet he gets a job
before you know it.
Yeah. Maybe he'll get
a job far away from here...
like China.
God knows, he loves
imitating them.
PEG:
Lesson number four:
The Civil War.
Now...
If all the soldiers
who died at the
Battle of Gettysburg
were laid end to end,
they'd stretch all the way
from here to the moon.
LUCKY:
Wow!
When you see it like this,
you really get a sense
of the enormity of it all.
Hey, this one here
looks like me.
How's that for
a Twilight Zone?
We'll just call this one
the unknown soldier.
No, Aunt Peggy.
I broke it;
I gotta buy it.
Lucky, forget it.
No one's ever gonna know.
I'll know.
In my family,
we live by a code.
We don't steal, and if we make
a promise, we damn well keep it.
That's why I wanna get my G.E.D.
And once you get that,
you'll be able to
get a job anywhere.
You know where the
economy's really booming?
China!
No, Aunt Peggy, I don't want
my G.E.D. to get a job.
You don't?
No, ma'am.
Getting my high school degree is
just a little personal milestone
I have to pass.
Once I get that,
I'll be good enough.
Good enough for what?
Good enough to ask Luanne
to marry me.
( snap )
Don't worry, Aunt Peggy.
That one's on me.
HANK:
You know, some people like to
keep this stuff on for flavor.
We won't be eating
at their houses.
Hank, you are not
listening to me.
Lucky is planning
to marry Luanne!
I know you don't think
much of Lucky,
but to tell you
the truth,
he's a lot better than
some of the guys
she's dated.
He's got
no prison record,
he always pays back
shaving cream,
and he's, uh...
he's, uh...
Well, that's all
I can think of, I guess.
You don't understand.
Luanne has so much potential.
But she's not going
to get anywhere
with that freakin'...
Really?
So you're saying people
actually keep this guck on?
Oh, yeah.
Personally, I think
it's an excuse
to be lazy.
A grill is meant...
The man is an anchor
around her neck, Hank!
Oh, we're not really talking
about the grill.
Did you know he doesn't
even plan on getting a job?
He just wants the G.E.D.
for his stupid code of honor.
Education for education's sake.
What a waste!
Wait, I'm getting ahead
of myself.
Maybe Lucky won't even
pass the test.
Oh, of course,
he'll pass the test.
These things are designed
so that even a high school
dropout can pass them.
Unless...
I purposely taught him
the wrong information.
You know you can't
do that, right?
I know.
I just wish that loser would...
So if the guck stays on
long enough, will it...
I'm not an idiot.
I know when you say "guck"
you really mean...
divorce...?
Crack?
Condoms.
So, Lucky wants
to propose to Luanne.
It's weird, Hank.
I always thought you'd be
the next to get married...
after you left Peggy,
of course.
Does this mean Lucky's
gonna take my place
at Thanksgiving?
I know how many
folding chairs you have.
Yeah, well, Peggy
sure doesn't like Lucky.
But he's really not
such a bad guy,
when you get right down to it.
KAHN:
Oh, yeah.
Lucky just
who you want
in your gene pool.
Your family going to evolve
backwards into fish!
( laughing )
Okay, the square
root of 16 is four.
The square root
of 25 is five.
Excuse me,
Aunt Peggy.
Aw, Baby Doll, you don't need
to do that!
Yuh-huh!
You need to study!
Besides, I like cleaning stuff
for you.
( grunting )
( grunting )
( crying )
( grunting )
( groaning )
Lucky,
you know how I said
the square root
of 25 is five?
Yes, ma'am.
It's also six.
Really?
So a number
can have two square roots?
That's weird.
Yep. There are all sorts
of weird things in math.
For example,
did you know
that any number
multiplied by
itself is zero?
There's just so much
to remember.
Do you think I can learn all
this in time for the big test?
I hope so.
Now, two times two?
Zero!
Very good.
Okay, name the three
states of matter.
Solid, liquid, and gel.
Correct!
Yeah!
Wait a minute, that
doesn't sound right.
Ahh, I think
it is, Bobby.
It's right here on one of
Aunt Peggy's flashcards.
But, Mom, I thought...
Bobby, fire drill!
Come on!
Drop and roll!
Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go!
( Bobby grunting )
Good boy!
Come on, little man!
Yeah, turn it!
Pi r squared...
Now what's the value
of pi again?
Oh, right.
90210.
Stupid idiot.
You just gave away
the answer.
Mine!
BOBBY:
Okay,
I know the piece
I want.
It should start
at the corner,
wrap around this rose,
then double back
to get the "L" from Lucky.
Mom, are you
listening?
He's here!
He's here!
I couldn't find
a graduation hat,
so I glued Dad's Willie Nelson
album to the dog bowl.
Eh?
Yeah, maybe we should hold off
until he opens up
his test results.
Oh, and Luanne,
why don't you fold
that banner up nicely
just in case
you need to return it.
Hey, everybody,
moment of truth is here.
( laughing )
I...
failed.
What?
I don't understand.
Well, that's probably
why you failed.
But don't beat
yourself up.
Some things just
aren't meant to be.
Well, at least you tried, Lucky.
For a lot of coaches these days,
that would be enough.
Hey, Wheel of Fortune
is probably on now.
It could be a Woolery.
I know you're sad
right now, Lucky,
but I think I could
tell you something
that will cheer
you up.
No, I don't think so.
Oh, I think so.
Okay, everybody, I'm pregnant!
Hooray!
Well, how-dee!
You were right,
baby girl,
that did put
a smile on my face.
When did this happen?
Did this happen here?
It better not
have happened here.
Isn't this great?!
Now we can start
a family and get married.
Whoa, whoa, let's just
rip the needle
off that record right now.
But I'm not playing a record.
I'll start a family
with you, Luanne,
even shack up
with you,
but I made a promise:
without my G.E.D.,
I ain't good enough
to marry you, no way.
I just can't.
( sniffling )
( sobbing )
I'm gonna be sick,
and I don't mean
"baby sick."
Oh, no!
Oh, God, I've let
us all down!
Oh, Lucky!
What do you mean
you can't marry me?
Yeah, what do you mean
you can't marry her?
Bobby, get Mommy a cold towel
and a bourbon.
Luanne, you know I've
wanted to marry you
ever since I first
set eyes on you,
but I had to prove
that I was worthy,
which means having
a high school diploma
under my arm.
Heck, I always thought
I'd say my vows
wearing one of them
black judge robes
and a flat hat.
I don't care if you wear
Bobby's dog bowl hat
and my bathrobe,
you're going to marry her.
I know that at times
it can be hard
to wrap your head
around the code, but trust me,
it's all for the best.
( crying )
This is ridiculous.
Maybe Lucky
has a point.
Huh?
I know it's not how we did it,
but plenty of people have kids
without being married
these days.
You know, keeps things casual.
Casual?!
Thanks for being my
teacher, Aunt Peggy.
I wish I was
a better student.
How could you not want
them married?
They want to be
together.
Look, Hank, it's going
to be hard enough
for Luanne to reach
her potential
while caring
for a baby.
She does not need Lucky
weighing her down, too.
Weighing her down?!
Look, I don't think
having Lucky around
as a husband and father
is going
to hurt Luanne's chances
to become an astronaut
or a brain surgeon.
We just need to make
the best of a bad situation
and help those two
get married.
Damn it, Bobby,
where's Mommy's bourbon?!
Hey, maybe they'll name
the baby Dennis
after where he was conceived--
your den.
Shut up, Dale.
So when's the
wedding, Hank?
Is it before or after
the baby shower?
There's, uh, not going
to be a wedding.
Lucky won't marry Luanne.
It's got something to do
with his weird code of honor.
And you bought that?
Well, according
to my code of honor,
I can't return the jigsaw
I borrowed from you.
Yes, I broke
into your garage.
That's part
of my code, too.
What kind of code of honor
makes you return
a baggie of shaving cream
but won't let you marry a girl
you got pregnant?
I recognize that walk.
Somewhere there's an ass
that's about to be kicked.
Well, at least
I won't need to buy shoes.
The baby can wear mine.
My mama was smart enough
to dip 'em in bronze
so they'd keep.
Oh, sug, your little one
is not going
to be walking around
in metal shoes.
We're going to throw you
a big 'ol baby shower.
Make sure you get
everything you need.
Really?
Yes, and you'll
fall in love again.
Single mothers
are very popular
on the dating circuit.
As a matter of fact,
Us magazine says
that babies have replaced
those little portable
rat dogs
as the newest
fashion accessory.
Yeah, there are plenty of other
fish in the sea.
Fish with jobs, fish who won't
bail when they knock you up.
But I don't want
another fish.
I want Lucky.
Even though Lucky is his name,
I always considered
myself to be
the lucky one.
Whenever we went to the mall
and someone would yell,
"Hey, Lucky!"
we'd both turn around.
Luanne, I'm sorry.
Sug, you have nothing
to be sorry for.
You tried to tutor that boy,
but there's just some things
a monkey cannot learn.
Thanks for trying,
Aunt Peggy.
I know you did everything
you could.
I say you're going
to marry her.
And I say I ain't
good enough.
And I say
yes, you are.
You do?!
I'm not going to lie to you,
Lucky,
even though I've lied
to you before.
( sighs )
I have never been thrilled
with you dating my niece.
I did not think you could
help her reach her potential,
but all I really want
is for her to be happy.
I want you to marry Luanne.
No, it's just not...
I know, I know,
your family's
freakin' code of honor.
Maybe this will change
your mind.
I intentionally made you
fail that test.
You did what?!
Yeah, yeah, I was wrong.
I get it.
Lucky, I sabotaged you.
You would've passed
if it weren't for me.
Probably by the skin
of your broken little teeth,
but you would have passed.
I don't believe you.
Your code of honor
wouldn't allow it.
Code of honor?
I don't have a code of honor.
Who the hell
has a code of honor?!
I have a code of honor.
I wish there was
some way around this,
but there ain't.
God knows I wish
there was,
but a man that breaks
his code is no kind of man.
Wait. Now, you said you would
have been the first person
in your family to graduate
high school, right?
True.
Well, then how did any
of them get married
if they all had
this family code of honor.
Oh, a high school
education wasn't part
of their code.
My father said
he wouldn't marry
till he became
the undisputed
heavyweight champion
of the world.
Your dad was the heavyweight
champion of the world?
No, he could never make
the weight
or take a punch to the jaw.
And my grandpappy said
he wouldn't marry
till he spoke perfect French.
I'm guessing grandpappy
never got past "Bonjour."
Nope.
Then how the heck
did any of them
get married?
Uh, Hank, I think
what we're looking at
is the last of a long line
of bastards.
Oh, they all got married,
but those were
all shotgun weddings.
So they didn't have a choice
in the matter.
( doorbell rings )
Luanne Leeanne Platter...
...would you make me
the happiest man in the...
Hold on.
Is that gun cocked?
It's got to be cocked.
I'm not going to cock it.
Okay, I'm in no position
to make demands.
Luanne...
I'd like you
to be my bride.
Oh, Lucky, yes, yes, yes!
( all cheering )
Ya-hoo!
Just a second.
Uncle Hank, now you got
to kick me in the ribs.
Come on.
This is ridiculous.
I said I'd hold
the gun, but...
Welcome to the family, Lucky.
Ooh!
MAN:
No whammies! No whammies!
No whammies!
from the north.
Barometric pressure 29.73.
Dew point: 64 degrees.
Can't we just
listen to music
when we wake up?
( groans )
Wait. What was
the dew point again?
( yawns )
( clinking )
Uhh...
Morning, Aunt Peggy.
Go home.
( squealing )
Good morning.
Again.
Hope you don't mind.
I crashed on your
couch last night.
I was going to sleep
on the air mattress,
but I fell asleep
blowing it up.
Morning, Uncle Hank.
Here you go.
Two dollops
of shaving cream
I borrowed from you
last week.
Keep the baggie
as interest.
Uh... thanks, Lucky,
but you really
didn't have to...
Yes, I did.
It would be against
my code of honor
to borrow something
and not pay it back.
As my grandpappy
used to say...
Perfect.
He's got a grandpappy.
BOBBY:
Lucky and I watched
a police chase
for two hours last night.
He says what you're supposed
to do in that situation
is run into a mall.
Well, as Lucky says,
"I'm outy."
I am going to snap, Hank.
Lucky never leaves.
Do you know he's having
his TV Guide sent here?
I know. And whenever
I come home,
the TV's always set to
the Game Show Network.
I don't even know why
it bothers me
so much, but it does.
And he's a bad influence
on Luanne.
She can do whatever
she wants with her life:
finish college,
open her own salon--
but she is never going
to do anything
with that loser
in the picture.
BOBBY:
Hey, is that Lucky
on Cops?
I can't believe
that Luanne is throwing
her life away
on a guy whose
big claim to fame
is that he "slipped
on pee pee" at the Costco,
and got a $53,000
settlement.
And he's pretty much
blown through that
making his truck shiny.
I don't know.
There's something
about that one tooth of his
that's kind of sexy.
Don't worry, Peggy Hill.
Lucky won't
be around forever.
He got hunting accident
written all over him.
Oh, shush!
Here he comes.
Ladies, Family Feud's a Dawson,
if y'all want to come on in.
Still warm.
Uh-huh.
So Luanne tells me you
won four substitute
teacher awards.
Three.
It should have been four.
I guess some people
are happy to say
the same old
Pledge of Allegiance
for the rest of their lives.
Well, I've been thinking
about getting my G.E.D.
I was just wondering if
you could, you know, tutor me?
Ugh! You don't even have
a high school education?
No, ma'am.
My formal education
ended at the
ninth grade.
That's when I started smoking.
And they wouldn't
let me smoke in school, so...
Wonderful.
I can't even say
it was the wrong choice,
since I been smoking ever since.
I'll see if my schedule permits.
If Hank knew you
touched his underpants,
he'd put you
through a wall.
Well, of course
I'm not going to tutor him.
Just the thought of being in
the same room with him... Ugh!
Well, Lucky wants
to earn his G.E.D.
You got to hand it to a guy
who wants to better himself.
If someone wants to learn,
don't you teachers have
some kind of moral obligation?
Well, as much as I hate
to say it, you're right.
As an educator, I have no choice
but to help.
I don't remember
if I took an actual oath,
but I can't imagine
that I didn't.
Morning, all.
Study hard, Lucky.
Whatever you do, don't
correct her Spanish.
Okay, let's
get started.
My name is...
Aw, you don't have
to write that, Aunt Peggy.
I'll remember your name.
Mrs. Hill.
I prefer to keep things formal.
( giggling )
Hello, teacher.
Hello, student.
How's my boy
doing so far?
Maybe we should schedule
a girlfriend-teacher conference.
( both laughing )
That's real funny,
baby girl.
I'm dating a regular
Fozzie Bear.
Aw...
Escucha me.
We are starting now.
Bye.
Okay, Lucky,
the first thing
we need to do
is work on your reading
comprehension skills.
The Adventures
of Huckleberry Finn,
by Mark Twain.
Your homework is to read
the first 50 pages,
which we will discuss tomorrow.
Hope it's okay with you,
but I already done that.
Luanne mentioned
we were going to read it.
Oh.
I get the feeling that
the river
ain't just a river.
Like it's supposed
to represent something.
Am I way off base here?
Let me just refresh myself.
No whammies! No whammies!
No whammies!
Ugh! Game Show Network.
Yep.
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
I got drunk last night,
called in to the
Jewelry Channel again.
They put me on the air,
and I ended up crying.
I bought a ring for Peggy.
Shh! Shh! Shh!
Hey, Peggy.
So how's it going with Lucky?
Not as bad as
I thought it would.
Did you know
he'll be the first person
in his whole family
to get a high school diploma?
Well, how about that?
I'll bet he gets a job
before you know it.
Yeah. Maybe he'll get
a job far away from here...
like China.
God knows, he loves
imitating them.
PEG:
Lesson number four:
The Civil War.
Now...
If all the soldiers
who died at the
Battle of Gettysburg
were laid end to end,
they'd stretch all the way
from here to the moon.
LUCKY:
Wow!
When you see it like this,
you really get a sense
of the enormity of it all.
Hey, this one here
looks like me.
How's that for
a Twilight Zone?
We'll just call this one
the unknown soldier.
No, Aunt Peggy.
I broke it;
I gotta buy it.
Lucky, forget it.
No one's ever gonna know.
I'll know.
In my family,
we live by a code.
We don't steal, and if we make
a promise, we damn well keep it.
That's why I wanna get my G.E.D.
And once you get that,
you'll be able to
get a job anywhere.
You know where the
economy's really booming?
China!
No, Aunt Peggy, I don't want
my G.E.D. to get a job.
You don't?
No, ma'am.
Getting my high school degree is
just a little personal milestone
I have to pass.
Once I get that,
I'll be good enough.
Good enough for what?
Good enough to ask Luanne
to marry me.
( snap )
Don't worry, Aunt Peggy.
That one's on me.
HANK:
You know, some people like to
keep this stuff on for flavor.
We won't be eating
at their houses.
Hank, you are not
listening to me.
Lucky is planning
to marry Luanne!
I know you don't think
much of Lucky,
but to tell you
the truth,
he's a lot better than
some of the guys
she's dated.
He's got
no prison record,
he always pays back
shaving cream,
and he's, uh...
he's, uh...
Well, that's all
I can think of, I guess.
You don't understand.
Luanne has so much potential.
But she's not going
to get anywhere
with that freakin'...
Really?
So you're saying people
actually keep this guck on?
Oh, yeah.
Personally, I think
it's an excuse
to be lazy.
A grill is meant...
The man is an anchor
around her neck, Hank!
Oh, we're not really talking
about the grill.
Did you know he doesn't
even plan on getting a job?
He just wants the G.E.D.
for his stupid code of honor.
Education for education's sake.
What a waste!
Wait, I'm getting ahead
of myself.
Maybe Lucky won't even
pass the test.
Oh, of course,
he'll pass the test.
These things are designed
so that even a high school
dropout can pass them.
Unless...
I purposely taught him
the wrong information.
You know you can't
do that, right?
I know.
I just wish that loser would...
So if the guck stays on
long enough, will it...
I'm not an idiot.
I know when you say "guck"
you really mean...
divorce...?
Crack?
Condoms.
So, Lucky wants
to propose to Luanne.
It's weird, Hank.
I always thought you'd be
the next to get married...
after you left Peggy,
of course.
Does this mean Lucky's
gonna take my place
at Thanksgiving?
I know how many
folding chairs you have.
Yeah, well, Peggy
sure doesn't like Lucky.
But he's really not
such a bad guy,
when you get right down to it.
KAHN:
Oh, yeah.
Lucky just
who you want
in your gene pool.
Your family going to evolve
backwards into fish!
( laughing )
Okay, the square
root of 16 is four.
The square root
of 25 is five.
Excuse me,
Aunt Peggy.
Aw, Baby Doll, you don't need
to do that!
Yuh-huh!
You need to study!
Besides, I like cleaning stuff
for you.
( grunting )
( grunting )
( crying )
( grunting )
( groaning )
Lucky,
you know how I said
the square root
of 25 is five?
Yes, ma'am.
It's also six.
Really?
So a number
can have two square roots?
That's weird.
Yep. There are all sorts
of weird things in math.
For example,
did you know
that any number
multiplied by
itself is zero?
There's just so much
to remember.
Do you think I can learn all
this in time for the big test?
I hope so.
Now, two times two?
Zero!
Very good.
Okay, name the three
states of matter.
Solid, liquid, and gel.
Correct!
Yeah!
Wait a minute, that
doesn't sound right.
Ahh, I think
it is, Bobby.
It's right here on one of
Aunt Peggy's flashcards.
But, Mom, I thought...
Bobby, fire drill!
Come on!
Drop and roll!
Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go!
( Bobby grunting )
Good boy!
Come on, little man!
Yeah, turn it!
Pi r squared...
Now what's the value
of pi again?
Oh, right.
90210.
Stupid idiot.
You just gave away
the answer.
Mine!
BOBBY:
Okay,
I know the piece
I want.
It should start
at the corner,
wrap around this rose,
then double back
to get the "L" from Lucky.
Mom, are you
listening?
He's here!
He's here!
I couldn't find
a graduation hat,
so I glued Dad's Willie Nelson
album to the dog bowl.
Eh?
Yeah, maybe we should hold off
until he opens up
his test results.
Oh, and Luanne,
why don't you fold
that banner up nicely
just in case
you need to return it.
Hey, everybody,
moment of truth is here.
( laughing )
I...
failed.
What?
I don't understand.
Well, that's probably
why you failed.
But don't beat
yourself up.
Some things just
aren't meant to be.
Well, at least you tried, Lucky.
For a lot of coaches these days,
that would be enough.
Hey, Wheel of Fortune
is probably on now.
It could be a Woolery.
I know you're sad
right now, Lucky,
but I think I could
tell you something
that will cheer
you up.
No, I don't think so.
Oh, I think so.
Okay, everybody, I'm pregnant!
Hooray!
Well, how-dee!
You were right,
baby girl,
that did put
a smile on my face.
When did this happen?
Did this happen here?
It better not
have happened here.
Isn't this great?!
Now we can start
a family and get married.
Whoa, whoa, let's just
rip the needle
off that record right now.
But I'm not playing a record.
I'll start a family
with you, Luanne,
even shack up
with you,
but I made a promise:
without my G.E.D.,
I ain't good enough
to marry you, no way.
I just can't.
( sniffling )
( sobbing )
I'm gonna be sick,
and I don't mean
"baby sick."
Oh, no!
Oh, God, I've let
us all down!
Oh, Lucky!
What do you mean
you can't marry me?
Yeah, what do you mean
you can't marry her?
Bobby, get Mommy a cold towel
and a bourbon.
Luanne, you know I've
wanted to marry you
ever since I first
set eyes on you,
but I had to prove
that I was worthy,
which means having
a high school diploma
under my arm.
Heck, I always thought
I'd say my vows
wearing one of them
black judge robes
and a flat hat.
I don't care if you wear
Bobby's dog bowl hat
and my bathrobe,
you're going to marry her.
I know that at times
it can be hard
to wrap your head
around the code, but trust me,
it's all for the best.
( crying )
This is ridiculous.
Maybe Lucky
has a point.
Huh?
I know it's not how we did it,
but plenty of people have kids
without being married
these days.
You know, keeps things casual.
Casual?!
Thanks for being my
teacher, Aunt Peggy.
I wish I was
a better student.
How could you not want
them married?
They want to be
together.
Look, Hank, it's going
to be hard enough
for Luanne to reach
her potential
while caring
for a baby.
She does not need Lucky
weighing her down, too.
Weighing her down?!
Look, I don't think
having Lucky around
as a husband and father
is going
to hurt Luanne's chances
to become an astronaut
or a brain surgeon.
We just need to make
the best of a bad situation
and help those two
get married.
Damn it, Bobby,
where's Mommy's bourbon?!
Hey, maybe they'll name
the baby Dennis
after where he was conceived--
your den.
Shut up, Dale.
So when's the
wedding, Hank?
Is it before or after
the baby shower?
There's, uh, not going
to be a wedding.
Lucky won't marry Luanne.
It's got something to do
with his weird code of honor.
And you bought that?
Well, according
to my code of honor,
I can't return the jigsaw
I borrowed from you.
Yes, I broke
into your garage.
That's part
of my code, too.
What kind of code of honor
makes you return
a baggie of shaving cream
but won't let you marry a girl
you got pregnant?
I recognize that walk.
Somewhere there's an ass
that's about to be kicked.
Well, at least
I won't need to buy shoes.
The baby can wear mine.
My mama was smart enough
to dip 'em in bronze
so they'd keep.
Oh, sug, your little one
is not going
to be walking around
in metal shoes.
We're going to throw you
a big 'ol baby shower.
Make sure you get
everything you need.
Really?
Yes, and you'll
fall in love again.
Single mothers
are very popular
on the dating circuit.
As a matter of fact,
Us magazine says
that babies have replaced
those little portable
rat dogs
as the newest
fashion accessory.
Yeah, there are plenty of other
fish in the sea.
Fish with jobs, fish who won't
bail when they knock you up.
But I don't want
another fish.
I want Lucky.
Even though Lucky is his name,
I always considered
myself to be
the lucky one.
Whenever we went to the mall
and someone would yell,
"Hey, Lucky!"
we'd both turn around.
Luanne, I'm sorry.
Sug, you have nothing
to be sorry for.
You tried to tutor that boy,
but there's just some things
a monkey cannot learn.
Thanks for trying,
Aunt Peggy.
I know you did everything
you could.
I say you're going
to marry her.
And I say I ain't
good enough.
And I say
yes, you are.
You do?!
I'm not going to lie to you,
Lucky,
even though I've lied
to you before.
( sighs )
I have never been thrilled
with you dating my niece.
I did not think you could
help her reach her potential,
but all I really want
is for her to be happy.
I want you to marry Luanne.
No, it's just not...
I know, I know,
your family's
freakin' code of honor.
Maybe this will change
your mind.
I intentionally made you
fail that test.
You did what?!
Yeah, yeah, I was wrong.
I get it.
Lucky, I sabotaged you.
You would've passed
if it weren't for me.
Probably by the skin
of your broken little teeth,
but you would have passed.
I don't believe you.
Your code of honor
wouldn't allow it.
Code of honor?
I don't have a code of honor.
Who the hell
has a code of honor?!
I have a code of honor.
I wish there was
some way around this,
but there ain't.
God knows I wish
there was,
but a man that breaks
his code is no kind of man.
Wait. Now, you said you would
have been the first person
in your family to graduate
high school, right?
True.
Well, then how did any
of them get married
if they all had
this family code of honor.
Oh, a high school
education wasn't part
of their code.
My father said
he wouldn't marry
till he became
the undisputed
heavyweight champion
of the world.
Your dad was the heavyweight
champion of the world?
No, he could never make
the weight
or take a punch to the jaw.
And my grandpappy said
he wouldn't marry
till he spoke perfect French.
I'm guessing grandpappy
never got past "Bonjour."
Nope.
Then how the heck
did any of them
get married?
Uh, Hank, I think
what we're looking at
is the last of a long line
of bastards.
Oh, they all got married,
but those were
all shotgun weddings.
So they didn't have a choice
in the matter.
( doorbell rings )
Luanne Leeanne Platter...
...would you make me
the happiest man in the...
Hold on.
Is that gun cocked?
It's got to be cocked.
I'm not going to cock it.
Okay, I'm in no position
to make demands.
Luanne...
I'd like you
to be my bride.
Oh, Lucky, yes, yes, yes!
( all cheering )
Ya-hoo!
Just a second.
Uncle Hank, now you got
to kick me in the ribs.
Come on.
This is ridiculous.
I said I'd hold
the gun, but...
Welcome to the family, Lucky.
Ooh!
MAN:
No whammies! No whammies!
No whammies!