King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 10, Episode 14 - Hank's Bully - full transcript

How are we supposed

to introduce ourselves
to the neighbors

if they never
leave the house?

Well, it's been
three weeks.

If we don't do it soon,

we're going to be
forced into giving them

awkward waves and
avoiding eye contact

until someone dies
or moves away.

Oh, shoot--

look, they're leaving!

Oh! Hello!



Hi, neighbors!
I'm Peggy Hill!

I want to welcome you...

Oh.

I feel awful that
none of us have

welcomed them into
the neighborhood yet.

Heck, by this time,

we had already given Kahn
a housewarming gift

and started
hating him.

Wait, you haven't
met Lila and Jim?

I just cleaned out
all the pests

in their attic
free of charge.

Nothing says,
"Welcome to the Neighborhood"

as well as a gunnysack
full of dead squirrels.

You've met them already?



And you've already killed stuff
for them?

You shouldn't be
afraid of them.

They're really nice.

They let me use
their bathroom--

no questions asked.

Ah, man, it don't
take nothin'

but a got dang
ol' second, man.

Just talkin' bout
a ol' "Welcome to the
neighborhood," man.

You know, done.

I know how to welcome
new neighbors, Boomhauer.

( horn honks )

Hey!

Who you
waving at?

They're strangers
to you.

Peggy!

Hank, do you want

the last of the cookies
Bill made us?

Mine!
Caleb!

That was
for our guests.

That boy sure has
a mind of his own.

( chuckles )

Hey, he's quick, too.

And he's only ten?

Wow, he's
as big as Bobby.

Hey, Bobby?

Why don't you toss
the ball with Caleb?

Okay.

( grunts )

( moans )

Uh...

Bobby didn't
limber up.

( shrieks )

What'd you forget
at the market?

Dale, there are
dead squirrels sitting

on my cottage cheese.

DALE:
Don't blame me,

blame the city dump.

They raised their fees,

so I have to save up
the carcasses

in order to be
economical.

Get them out, Dale.

I'm guessing you don't want
this guy camping out

in the freezer then, huh?

Huh?

"Taxidermy."

Hey, I have a lot
of dead animals.

I'll make a killing
stuffing them

after I've made a killing
killing them!

This better be leftovers, Dale.

Uh, let me take that.

Gentlemen,
who wants to get

their Christmas shopping
out of the way?

Dang it, Dale,

get those filthy things
off our cooler.

We keep beer in there,
for God's sake.

Relax, Hank.

They've been boiled,
scrubbed, de-boned,

powdered and stuffed
with surgical cotton.

They're cleaner than Bill.

That one in the middle
is staring at me.

Dale, we're going to take
a two minute walk.

When we come back,

I want those things gone
and the cooler sanitized.

( grunts )

Did you make this,
Dale?

I already know--
it's horrible.

No. No, no,
I like it.

It just seems like
it needs more... oomph.

Who was this squirrel?

Was he a climber?

A jumper?

Did he take chances?

There you go.

Now there is a story being told

about how tasty
his little acorn is.

My God, that is
exactly how he looked

when I killed him
in the first place.

Hey, I've got
a crow defrosting--

like to take a crack at him?

Lead the way.

What are you building?!

Oh! Oh!
Oh, Caleb.

I didn't know you were there.

I'm building a shelf
for my paint cans.

Thanks for asking.

You know, Bobby never showed
much interest in...

Uh...

Be careful there, Caleb.

That's a measuring
instrument,

not a yo-yo.

You don't want to kink the tape,

or it won't retract
back into its housing.

Thunder!

Now, now, listen, son,

this is a work place,

not a playground,
okay?

If you want me
to teach you

how to use
that saw properly,

I'd be more than happy
to show you.

Now, Caleb, when sawing wood...

( can clattering )

Okay.

Okay, don't panic.

Accidents happen.

Let me grab my shop towels.

No, Caleb,
you need to dab.

You're smearing.

You've got to lift
the towel...

Uh...

Uh, you know what, Caleb?

Just forget it,

I-I'm going to tackle
this mess

by myself, okay?

Okay then.

Uh, hello, Caleb.

What are you doing?

I'm watering the lawn.

Caleb, no, you don't ride
on a lawn--

especially when it's wet.

I like nicknames.

Call me "C-Unit."

Uh, okay, C-Unit.

( laughing )

Yeah!

Now you need a nickname.

I got it-- "Dusty old bones!"

( laughing ):
Yeah! Yeah!

Uh. Yeah, I think "Mr. Hill"

is probably the best way to go.

( sing-song like ):
Dusty old bones,

full of green dust!

Dusty old bones,

full of green dust!

"Green dust?"

"Dusty old bones,
full of green dust"?

What kind of nickname
is that?

Sounds like a pretty
crappy one to me,

considering how much
he's got to work with.

CALEB:
Hey, old man!

Dusty old bones,

full of green dust!

Does that seem funny
to any of you?

No, but it is
rather catchy.

I don't get it,
why did he pick on me?

I mean, Dale has
a dead possum

on his shoulder,

and Caleb
completely ignored it.

Got it!

What in the...

Caleb, get back here!

( laughing )

My God, you just
opened that beer!

You going to cry,
dusty old bones?

Wait, I recognize this.

They pick on you,
they mess with your stuff--

he's a bully!

He's your bully, Hank!

What?!

CALEB:
White shirt!
White shirt!

How'd you get
your shirt so white,

white shirt?

Yep.

And a weird bully
at that.

So, this is your bully stain.

I do not have a bully.

I am an adult.

Adults can't be bullied

by ten-year-old kids.

Yeah, you sure talk a big game
when Caleb's not around.

( both laugh )

Man, you gonna take
that from him, man?

Just grab a rag and shut up,
both of you.

Fair enough.

DALE:
It's beautiful.

Absolutely beautiful.

Peggy, you're the Hemingway
of the taxidermy diorama.

Oh, thanks.

And you, Dale, are the Mozart
of that suction thingy

that removes all the guts.

Do you really think
it's good?

I think it's this good.

Excuse me.

Is this where we sign up for
the taxidermy competition?

Yes it is, ma'am.

Is, uh, that your entry?

You sir, are looking
at first place.

( men laugh )

So, that's gonna be
first place, huh?

Before you sign up,
why don't you two take a look

at last year's winner.

Huh?

Man, there's more
than pipe cleaners

holding that sucker together.

We don't stand a chance.

Oh, yes we do.

Dale, you've got to find me
bigger game.

( gulps )

You've got to be kidding me.

Who's gonna lick a stamp
that has Bill Clinton on it?

I'm only telling you
what I've heard.

Uh, Caleb,

this is not proper behavior

when two adults
are trying to speak.

Why don't you play with that
somewhere else?

So, anyway, yeah, why don't they
put Dale Earnhardt on a stamp?

I mean, he won
seven Winston Cup...

Alright, Caleb, I'm gonna
count to three.

One, two...

Three!

Uh, three.

Ah, Hank, I better
be getting on my way.

I... See you later.

Hey, Hank.

We're really looking forward
to your barbecue.

So, uh, I want to talk to you
about, uh, Caleb.

He's been, kind of, uh...

teasing me.

Oh, teasing's just his way

of showing how much
he likes you.

Yeah, uh, actually,
it's more than just teasing.

It's more like harassing.

That's just his way
of testing you.

You know how kids are.

He's just so smart.

The best thing to do when he
gets that way is to ignore him.

Uh, well,
he's kind of hard to ignore

when he's whacking a little red
ball right next to your head.

( chuckling )

BOTH:
Caleb.

DALE:
Hey, Peggy.

Oh, good, you're back.

What have you got?

Um, so you know how there's
never anything big and dead

around when you need it?

Three groundhogs and...

What the hell is that?

Half a groundhog.

Hey, Dad, can I flip my burger?

Uh, are you sure?

You remember what
happened to that pancake.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, uh, uh, Caleb.

You, uh, you want a burger?

Where are your parents anyway?

( grunting )

Give me that hat, old man.

What are you...

Caleb, please stop
grabbing at my hat.

It's the property
of Strickland Propane.

HANK:
Lila! Jim!

Got it!

( laughs )

Dang it, Caleb.

Give me back my hat!

( laughs )

Too slow, dusty old bones.

I'm not playing, Caleb.

Give me my hat back.

Keep-a-way!

Can you believe that kid?

Keep-a-way!

What the hell
are you doing, Bill?

Sorry, Hank, I just
got all caught up.

CALEB:
♪Dusty old bones,
full of green dust ♪

Oh look, Lila, Caleb wrote
another one of his songs.

♪Dusty old bones,
full of green dust ♪

He is so creative.

( popping )

( laughing )

Dance, old man! Dance!

( popping )

I made noise!

I'm a superhero!

I'm Pop-Pop Man!

( laughing )

You are way out of line,
young man!

You need to learn
some manners!

Caleb, get off the bike.

Now, when you learn a little
respect you'll get this back.

Well, I took care
of the Caleb situation.

I admit, I almost lost it,
but then I realized

he was just a kid and just
needed a little firm guidance.

Well, at least
something's going right.

How'd you do it?

I just took his bike
and locked it in the garage.

Yep, Caleb's gonna
learn a big lesson

when he has to come back here
and ask for that bike back.

And he's gonna have to do it
with respect.

Hopefully, his parents will
come along so they can learn

a thing or two
about raising a kid.

( doorbell rings )

Oh, good,
that's probably them now.

I want my bike back.

Well, you're gonna have to ask
nicer than that, Caleb.

Oh, yeah?

HANK:
There it is, officers,
not a scratch on it.

All I was trying to do
was make a point.

By stealing a
ten-year-old's bike?

What, are you
a tough guy, huh?

You want to try and take
something away from me, big boy?

No. You've got it all wrong.

I'm the victim here.

That kid is out of control,

and his parents
won't do anything about it.

Officers, could we please
have our son's bike back?

We'd really just like
to get this behind us.

Yes, sir.

Give the boy
back his bike.

( sighs )

Here you go, Caleb.

And he liked
you so much.

( doorbell rings )

Hank, you can't hide
in here forever.

Come out and have
a beer with us.

( sighs ):
I'm not hiding, Bill.

Hank, that's a lie,
and we both know it.

Now come on, if
Caleb comes at you,

we'll all run
away together.

I'm not worried about Caleb.

I'm just...
I'm re-tacking the sofa.

( sighs ):
Sure, Hank.

When you decide
you're done "re-tacking,"

you give a holler.

( screams )

Wet old man.

You know, it's
a felony

to use a mail slot for
anything other than mail?

Dude. Dude,
I'm Kelly Slater, dude.
Dude.

Uh, hey, uh,

how would you guys like to make

five bucks?

All you have to do is put
a little scare

into a pesky ten-year-old.

Yeah, we'll do that, sure.

If you can give
us a ride to
the gas station,

we'll take care
of the rest.

Just make sure his alarm system
at his house is turned off.

Uh...

Is that a deer?!

No, Dale, that is the picture

on the sign...
again.

I can't
believe this.

Three deaf kids have
already crossed here,

and not a single deer.

I'm sorry, Peggy.

I blew it again.

I'm not worthy
to work beside
your genius.

I'd say stuff me,

but that would get us
Honorable Mention at best.

Oh, now, Dale.

I'm sorry, Peggy.

I failed you.

I'm used to letting
Hank down, but not you.

Dale, this is not your fault.

I put you in a no-win situation.

We've been looking
in all the wrong places.

We shouldn't have been
looking out there.

We should have been
looking in here.

Come on, Dale.

We got a contest to enter.

HANK:
Yup.

BILL:
Yup.

Mm-hmm.

( sighs ):
I just don't know
what to do about Caleb.

I feel helpless.

I can't physically stop him.

His parents
would have me arrested,

and they'd have a point.

I mean, he's a kid,
and I'm an adult.

But someone needs
to put him in his place.

Too bad
we're not little people.

Then it would be a fair fight.

Bobby!

You want me to do what?

Look, I hate to ask you
to fight my battles for me, son,

but I have no other choice.

Will you do it?

I can see that you really
need my help, Dad.

I just don't think I can do it.

It seems so wrong.

Look, I know it goes against
everything I've taught you,

Bobby, but I know you can do it.

( sighs )

There he is, Bobby.

Now go over there
and do exactly
like I showed you.

I can do this.

I can do this.

( snap )

Holy smoke.
What's going on?!

Snap, crackle, pop, Pops!

Bobby, what are
you doing?

( popping )

Hey, hey,
that's a good way

to hurt someone.

Please, stop doing that.

A tisket, a tasket,

There goes your basket.

Hey!

Cut that out, Bobby!

Keep-away!

( laughing )

( knocking on glass door )

Hello, Jim and Lila.

What brings you here?

Your son is out of control!

Yep, Bobby's got a lot
of spirit, all right.

Spirit?

He spread trash
all over our yard

and viciously
attacked Jim.

Well, he must really
like you a lot.

He's got a funny way
of showing it.

( chuckling ):
Well, if I were you,

I'd just learn
to ignore it,

because once Bobby
decides he likes you,

he's never gonna stop.

If you're trying to compare
Bobby to our Caleb,

you're way off base.

Bobby is...
is just a troublemaker.

Caleb has a precocious sense
of adventure.

He's expressive.

He goes to the gifted
magnet school.

Well, good for him.

But I wouldn't
sell Bobby short.

I think he's about
to "express himself"
right now.

What you got in
the squirt gun, son?

That's for me to know
and Jim and Lila to find out.

You folks want
to find out?

Or do you want
to tell Caleb

to stop riding
his bike on my lawn?

( humming )

Caleb, please don't ride
your bike on Mr. Hill's lawn.

( humming continues )

You mean Dusty old bones?

♪Dusty old bones...
full of green dust ♪

♪Dusty old bones... ♪

♪Full
of green dust! ♪

I mean it, son.

Get off the grass!

Gentlemen,
prepare for greatness.

Voila.

The signing of the
"Declaration of Independence."

DALE:
We call it:
"No Tax-i-dermy-ation

without
Representation."

You're going to love this.

Watch what happens
when Ben Franklin's kite

gets hit by lightning.

( electrical sizzling )

( gasping )

For that I sincerely apologize.

And that, too.

HANK:
Green dust?