King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 10, Episode 13 - The Texas Panhandler - full transcript

Gum's still here, Joseph.

That's 37 days and counting.

Hey, what's Amy doing?

Maybe she's giving
everyone pictures of herself

so we can take them home
and stare at them.

I heard some dude tell this
other dude in the bathroom

that she's having
a party.

Joseph, we have to go
to this party.

Do you think she'll invite us?

We're so in.

Remember how you made her laugh
when you did your monkey voice?



Yeah, but then you asked if her
mom was as hot as she is

and it really freaked her out.

( groans )

( whispers ):
What are you doing?

I'm gonna touch her neck.

Put your hand down!

( imitating monkey chattering)

You weren't invited.

I hate Amy.

No, I love her.

Look, there she is with
all her "cool" friends.

Wait, how did the new kid
make the inner circle?

ANNOUNCER:
Kathy Griffin is going all in.

Why do movie stars think we
want to watch them play poker?



Mom, Dad,

I need some money to get
a new pair of jeans.

What happened to your old pair?

Did you make cut-offs again?

No, but I need
something cooler.

I think a hundred dollars
ought to cover it.

HANK:
Ugh!

There's no way I'm
buying you those jeans.

They're asinine.

Bobby, sometimes you're cooler

if you don't wear what everyone
else is wearing.

So that's it?

I don't get a say in
what I get to wear?

Not when I'm paying for it.

I'd pay for it, but I don't
have any money.

Well, that's too bad.

Because if you did,

I couldn't tell you
what to spend it on.

Really?

Well, sure.

Someone who makes his own
money is his own man.

No one can tell him what
to do or what to buy.

I'm gonna get a job.

Yep.

Yep.

Yup.

Mm-hmm.

So Bobby wants me to spend
a hundred dollars

on some idiotic jeans that
already look 20 years old.

Are kids today so lazy they
can't break in a pair of pants?

Rhetorical question.
Not grounds for conversation.

Moving on.

Don't be such a cheapskate,
Hank Hill.

You and Peggy made him
look like you.

The least you could do
is buy him nice pants.

Shut up, Khan.

I told Bobby if
he wanted them,

He'd have to buy them
with his own money.

He said he's going
to get a job,

but I'm not holding my breath.

If I had a son,

I'd buy him
whatever he wanted.

Of course, he'd probably
end up walking all over me.

But we'd have fun
for awhile.

Sorry I'm late.

Grillstravaganza's coming up
and, well, I got to daydreaming.

That's okay, Dad. We saved
you a seat right here.

What the heck is that?

I got a job.

Joseph and I are advertising
the new apartments

on Frontier Street.

Isn't it exciting, Hank?

And look, he's a natural.

Bobby, where's the kitchen?

Over there.

Well that's great, Bobby.

You wanted a job, and you went
out and got one.

That's gumption,
I tell you what.

Well this gumption's gonna buy
me some jeans.

Hey Dad, can you pass me
the butter?

Let's eat,
then after dinner

you can point at things.

Whoever decided where
to put the rips is a genius.

Okay, Joseph,

time to make some money
so we can buy those jeans.

Hey, that guy's
reading your arrow.

Make him turn!
Close the deal!

( groans )

Did he turn?

Excuse me, where do I go
to find a deluxe apartment?

Why this way, sir.

( laughing )

He's only 13, moron.

Why would he want to rent
an apartment?

I just thought...

Nice outfit.

You look like a lipstick.

Why don't you use that arrow
to find your butt.

( laughing )

This job has made us so dorky,
I want to kick my own ass.

Oh, no,

cool guys.

And you look like
that and I look like this.

Just put your head down
and keep walking.

Yeah, righteous.

Hey, what's up, dudes?

Us? Dudes?

Yeah, you dudes.
What's going on?

Uh, not much. Just hanging.

Yeah, hanging.

Feel that.
You got some change?

Sure.

Sure.

Thanks, man. You're all right.

If it's a party, we'll be there.

Hey, can I have a dollar?

Get a job.

I tried, but yours
doesn't pay enough.

So is Tanya coming?

She's smokin'.

Change?
You got any change?

Dude, tell him not
to let Tommy deejay.

He's going through a weird
country music phase.

Change?

Thanks, bra.

So, wait... you guys
just ask people for money,

and they give it to you?

Some do, some don't.

It separates the righteous
from those

who are just
taking up space.

Great shoes.

Can I have some
of your money? Thanks.

Bumming is so cool.

This is my spot!

Spongy's spot!

Yeah, right.

I don't see
your name on it.

Hey, Drew, do you see
"Weird Old Dude"

written on the sidewalk?

Nah, man.

Why would we give up
this primo location?

No, Spongy's spot.

Been here since Ronald Reagan

kicked me out
of my mental hospital.

When was that?
Back in like 19-something?

( chuckles )

Oh, come on.

He's not very cool, is he?

Not at all, man.

Nice. I'm only
two bucks away

from those kick-ass
aviator shades.

Here.

Thanks, bro-bah.
Catch you later.

Catch you later!

Catch you later!

Aw man, I guess we got
to go back to work.

Joseph, I'm giving us
a promotion.

We're begging!

Could you maybe
spare some...

change?

If you give me
a dollar

you can punch me
anywhere but my head.

Joseph,

don't be like
that Spongy guy.

Nobody wants to give money
to someone who's desperate.

They want to give it
to someone who's cool.

Look at Derek,

he acts like he doesn't
even want the money.

Like he's doing them
a favor by taking it.

( squeals ):
Hi, Derek.

We brought you a veggie wrap.

Hugs!
Hugs!
Hugs!

Aw, man, he's really
got it going on.

Wait, did I just
sound like a chick?

Okay, I think I got
the hang of this.

Hey, dude.
Change?

Change?

Got some change for me?

I did it!

You know, if you take
the paper off this sander,

it makes a nice massager.

My neck feels
like Jell-O.

So, I saw Bobby leaving for work
pretty early this morning.

Not that I was watching
your house.

Yeah, I guess he's really
enjoying his job.

You know, I don't want
to count my chickens,

but everything I've been trying
to teach Bobby

may be finally sinking in.

Why does it always take
a hardware store

to get you to open up, Hank?

Wash your windows?

Spongy?

What are you doing over here?

This isn't your neck
of the woods.

No money for Spongy.

Too many people.
Took my spot.

Well, dang,
that ain't right.

You've been there for years.

Since Ronald Reagan kicked me
out of my mental hospital.

Well, it was
complicated, Spongy.

Dutch was trying to win
a Cold War and...

Mine. Mine, mine,
miney, mine!

( sighs ):
Uh, here's another dollar.

Good luck.

And, uh, you don't have
to wash my windows.

Wash your windows?

Okay.

There you go.

Look at this!

That guy just gave me
two dimes

and a third dime.

We've made more today
than we would've in a week

at that stupid arrow job.

We almost have enough for
that sweet, sweet denim.

DEREK:
Heads up.

Suit alert.

'Sup, fellas.

Spare some change?

Did that guy just
give you a dollar?

Uh, yeah.

You, like, hang out
on the street

and ask people for money?

Yeah.

You got any?

Uh... uh, I think so.

The little mama
in the poncho

just gave me a fiver.

Who wants some mocha?
Bobby? Joseph?

Sure.

Sure.

I don't know if
you guys have heard,

but I'm having
a party and...

We might be able
to do a pop-in.

Let's just
keep it loose.

'Sup, 'sup, 'sup.

'Sup.

Oh, man,

those are the guys
who live on the streets.

I heard they got a dollar
off Principal Moss.

I heard Principal Moss
tried to suspend them,

but he couldn't
look them in the eye.

That was cool!

Let's do it again.

Huh.

I do like sourdough.

I told you you did.

Bobby, don't think I haven't
noticed your new jeans.

You look very handsome.

Thanks.

You know,
I feel handsome.

Well, I hate those pants
more than life itself,

but I can't tell you about that
because I didn't buy them.

You know, Dad,
you were right.

This working thing
is great.

I thought I was happy

back when I was just
spending your money,

but spending my own
money is even better.

I'll be taking that.

Thank you.
No, Bobby.

You shouldn't spend your
hard-earned money on us.

But I made it and I can
spend it on whatever I want.

Right, Dad?

Your father is very proud.

What up, Judy?

Hey, Tom, looking good.

Hi, Mrs. Green.

Rockin' hair net.

How about you score me
an extra scoop of potatoes?

Thanks, Mrs. G.
( clicks tongues )

Hi, Bobby.
Nice shirt.

That's my favorite
fake baseball team.

Thanks.

So, I don't know
if you like movies,

or going to the mall,
but if you do,

I was thinking we
could go out sometime.

Yeah, that sounds cool.

Great. See ya later.

( squeals )

( laughs )

Man, life is so sweet.

Spare some change?

I love my job,
I got great clothes.

Hey, buddy, got a dollar?

And my interest level
among the ladies

is on the riz-ize.

Thanks a lot, man.

Have a nice greed.

But what I like best
is being my own man.

Why do you do it, Derek?

I don't know,
it's just cool.

I mean, take that guy.

He has money,
I'm over here wanting it.

It's just economics,
dude.

Yeah.

Awesome.

If I do this every
day 'til I die,

I'm going to be
so rich!

Yeah, then we can buy a jet
and fly to other countries

and ask them for their money...
like Euros.

And China money.

( rag squeaking )

Uh, good work, Spongy.

Hank, we can't
drive like this.

Now go in and get something
to clean the window.

I can't clean it if
he's standing right there.

It would hurt his feelings.

Well, we can't
just sit here.

There's a store on Main Street
where we can get some Windex.

Stick your head out the window
and tell me where we're going.

I can see why Ladybird
likes this.

BOBBY:
Hey, bra,
spare some change?

Bobby?

Ah...!

What in the heck do you
think you're doing?

I'm working.

This is my job.

You're a bum.

Is this how you paid
for our dinner? How could you?

How could you disrespect steak?

I'm not one of those "bum" bums.

I'm a cool bum.

You're not going
to be any kind of bum.

Now get in the car.

Why are you so upset?

You told me to earn
my own money,

and I am-- tons of it.

You're not earning anything.

You're sitting on your butt
while people hand it to you.

Dude, either give him
some change or move on.

Are you the reason my son
is out here begging?

Yeah, and you're
welcome, guy.

( laughs )

Car. Now.

So this bum guy,

he wasn't
in a wheelchair?

Nope.

And he wasn't yelling
about Jesus?

No.

He was a normal,
able-bodied kid.

I don't understand.

Are you sure he was a bum?

Yes, and he's got Bobby
being a bum, too.

"Homeless," Hank.

They prefer to be
called "homeless."

Bobby is not homeless.

He has a home--
my home.

Well, I don't mind
that Joseph is "homeless."

He begs for money.

I get to spend it.

It's win-win, really.

No! It's wrong.

Guys like Spongy beg
because they have to,

but these punks
are doing it for fun.

How much spare change do you
think there is in Arlen anyway?

I agree with Hank.

If you're gonna
beg for money,

you have to be crazy,
drunk, or disabled.

Or one of those guys
who paints himself silver

and moves
like a robot.

All right, Bobby.

We're not leaving
until you unbum

every cent you took
from these people.

I don't understand.

If people want to give me money,
what's the big deal?

The big deal is if you're
relying on handouts,

you're not in control

of your life.

You're letting other people

decide how you live.

Does this boy look
familiar to you?

You may have given
him some change.

Did you give me some change?

Here's your change.

Take back your change.

( phone rings )

Hank Hill.

Well, that customer
is full of bunk.

Sales tax is absolutely
constitutional.

All right, put him on.

Bobby, I've
gotta take this.

You just keep
giving that money back.

Fine.

I think you gave me some money.

Did you give me a dollar?

Hey, Bobby.

We're gonna go buy
Lance Armstrong bracelets.

You wanna come?

I can't.

My dad is making me give back

all the money
I bummed off people.

Oh, you should
totally give it to us.

Then we're doing
each other a solid.

We get the money and you
don't have to stand here

looking like a tool.

No, I'm supposed to give it back
to the people who gave it to me.

Come on, Bob.

Us street guys
gotta stick together.

You're cool, right?

Yeah.

Man, if anybody finds
out we're not bums,

we're so not gonna
be cool anymore.

Yeah, we got
to protect our rep.

Hey, bra, spare a pencil?

Sure. Here's two.

Hey, Bobby.

So, have you seen the new
Will Ferrell movie yet?

No. It looks
pretty funny though.

He's got those shoes
that can talk.

Yeah, I really want to see it.

Yeah, me, too.

So...

So.

Oh.

You wanna go see it
this weekend?

Sounds great.

Dang it.
What am I gonna do?

How am I supposed
to take Sandy to the movies

when I don't have any money?

I wish I could help you out,

but my Dad found my money
and bought stuff.

Does Sandy like cigarettes?

Hey, dude,
how about some change?

How about you
go drop dead?

Will do, bud.

Hey, Bob, what's up?

Hey, guys, I need your help.

I asked this really cute girl
to the movies and she said yes,

but I don't have any money,

So can I have some of that
change I gave you the other day?

Sorry, dude,
we spent it.

Yeah, we got Barks
that cool dog hoodie.

Oh, sorry.

Good luck
with your chick.

That's it?

You don't have anything for me?

What about that all that money?

I thought we were
all sticking together.

Please.

Come on, I'm desperate.

Dude, he's
freaking out.

Seriously, you're
screwing up our action.

Let's hit the Coinstar
and grab some Thai.

Come on, guys.

What about the time
we chilled together?

You called me dude.

I need money!

Have you seen Bobby?

Ladybird's not going
to wash herself.

Finally, something
your precious dog can't do.

Hey, Kahn!

Is Bobby doing
homework with Connie?

What you think, he over here
begging for answers?

( laughing loudly )

Ah, but seriously, Hank, I see
him on street corner downtown.

Dang it.

You may not have
perspective on this,

being hillbilly redneck, but it
bring shame on your family.

That sign
better not say

you're some kind
of veteran.

Can't talk, Dad.

I'm on the clock.

You're working?

Well, yeah.

I mean, like you said,

I can't just count on people
giving me money when I need it,

and I really need it
for my date tonight.

I don't know
what a vasectomy is,

but if you want
to reverse it,

here's a coupon.

Uh, you know, it's
kinda hot out here.

I'm gonna get
you a soda.

You just
keep working.

Nice sign, dude.

Hey, I'm trying
to work here.

"Work." Go punch
your time card, worker.

( guys laughing )

Hey dude,
spare some change?

Hey, Derek.

Here's your mocha.

Thanks.

Don't give them money!

Get your vasectomies reversed!

Why shouldn't they have to work

like the rest of us?

I'm busting my tail,

and they're just
sitting on theirs

with their hands out.

They're not homeless.

They're not street people.

They're not even bums.

They're just posers.

Lazy posers.

I know for a fact he has basic
and premium cable.

And he takes tennis lessons.

Cut the crap, dude.

I wouldn't do that.

If I were you, I would get out
of here right now.

Or, or what?

You'll tell my mom?

( laughing )

No, I'll kick your ass
up one side of the street

and down the other.

This place is weak.

So, don't you have
a date you need to get to?

I think I'm gonna put
in a couple more hours

for snack money.

A small popcorn and no drink

is no way
to start a relationship.

Hey, there, Spongy.

Good to see you got
your old spot back.

Congratulations,

You're back
on top. Kinda.

You paid for a song.

( playing random notes )

DALE:
So how long do we
have to stand here?

JOSEPH: 'Sup, 'sup, 'sup.

BOBBY: 'Sup.