King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 11, Episode 2 - Serpunt - full transcript

Ripped By mstoll

ALL:
Surprise!

HANK:
Heh-heh.

Eh, we get her every year.

This is the one day a year

my Dad disappoints me.

Feeling a little left
out, are ya, Bobby?

Well, you shouldn't.

I got something in the truck
just for you.

You like your birthday bone,
don't you, girl?

BOBBY:
Look, everybody!



(humming)

What the hell is that?

It's my new pet, Josh!

Lucky gave it to me.

He's gonna be such
a great father.

Get that snake off
you this instant!

I will not sit by

and watch you be strangled
in my very own home!

Lucky, you're taking
that dang thing back.

I don't know, Hank.

Snakes make pretty cool pets.

They don't have legs, so they
can't run away from you.

And no matter
how hard you cuddle it,

you can't break it.



No! Snakes are
awful pets.

It's like a breathing stick

staring at you all weird.
Now put it down.

Okay.

(shrieking):
It's coming to kill me!

It knows I'm a Christian!

(Hissing)

(Shuddering)

Whoa, I ain't never
seen it do that before.

It's agitated.

Somebody go get Dale.

If I leave,

you guys will let me
back in, right?

(Whimpers)

People should just have dogs.

Well, Dale, what do you think?

You think you might
want to grab it?

This is going to
take time, Hank.

I'm trying to break its spirit,

but it's an Alpha
snake whilst I am

clearly a Beta snake.

(All gasping)

Clever opening gambit.

Game on.

Ha!

Welp, it's in the
toilet. Too late.

No, it's not.
Quick, grab it.

Sorry, Hank.
I'm a private contractor.

This is now a public matter.

Once that snake's head

crosses the rim threshold

it's the county's problem.

Countys problem?

Come on. Do something.

Not to worry, the County Animal
Control guys are the best.

I have personally seen
Tommy and Rollo

kill a gopher with a pigeon.

HANK:
The species

is a Burmese python,
around six feet long.

It escaped down
the toilet at 11:46.

So what do you want us
to do about it?

Uh, I'd like you to catch it.

(Sighing)

Little League field's clean.

They don't pay us
enough for this.

And this yahoo wants us
to catch his pet snake.

It's not my pet,

but it is your job.

Yeah, well we don't get
paid the kind of money

the cops and firemen do.
Not even close.

But when City Hall's
run over by possums

they don't make 'em
disappear; we do.

Yeah, you think it's just magic.

Well, it's the kind
of magic you do

with a ball peen hammer
in a deserted place.

This is the magic I believe in.

I pay my taxes and
you find that snake.

People hate them
and if they find out

that a six-foot one
is loose in the sewer,

it could cause a panic.

Panic? Hmm.

Maybe this could cause a panic.

Mr. Hill,

I am putting this matter
to the top of our agenda.

Here's a form that
will expedite things.

Ah, finally.
Paperwork.

Now we're getting somewhere.

That guy's serious.

We might have to do something.

We are going to do something:

Nothing.

The longer that snake
is out there,

the more the town panics,
the more valuable we become.

That snake is our ticket

to crazy overtime.

Well, all I know is

I had to raise
a little hell in there.

But sometimes that's
what you gotta do

to get the proper forms.

MIGUEL HERNANDEZ: And switching
now to a breaking story,

we go live
to the Heimlich County

Animal Control Department.

A 12-foot-long Burmese python
escaped earlier today.

From what we can piece together,

an untrained animal hobbyist,
Hank Hill,

purchased this animal as a joke,

grew bored with it,
and apparently

flushed it down the toilet.

That's not true!

I don't believe this.

They're lying on the news.

Are they talking about Josh?

People think these animals
make good pets,

but they don't.
They're cold-blooded killers.

Literally.

(sighs):
Chilling. And now we

go to our own Nancy Hicks
Gribble, live on the scene.

No, no. Don't show
our house. No!

Thanks, Miguel.

Neighbors, such as myself,

describe Mr. Hill as a quiet
and somewhat rigid man

and the last person
you'd expect to release

such a deadly threat

into this community's
hearts and homes.

(Sighs)

You know, I always thought
we'd be on TV

for being murdered in our sleep.

Dang it, my phone is
ringing off the hook.

You boys need
to catch this snake.

That's what I told them!

We are doing
everything possible.

The snake that was set loose

in our community is
a vicious predator

and it cannot be
caught on the cheap.

It's going to take time.

It might take

time and a half.

Golden time...

and hazard pay. Thank you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Our budgets too tight as it is.

This is a crisis
of public safety, Don.

It appears my colleague
here is soft on snakes.

Are you kidding me?

Nobody hates snakes
more than I do.

Well, you sure have a
funny way of showing it.

If anyone knows my history,

he knows I'm tough on snakes.

That's right.
Uh-huh.

As chairman, I move we allocate

more money to snake eradication.

This isn't about money!

Just make these people
do their jobs.

I say we don't just allocate
"some money,"

we allocate all money needed!

I say on top of that
we get these boys

another full-time
Animal Control Officer

to help win my war on snakes.

Hmm.

(screams)

Dale, get on your
cleanest jumpsuit

because you are going to apply

for that job
with County Animal Control.

An opening?

But I don't have the chops
to work with Tommy and Rollo.

Why do you like
these guys so much?

So far all they've done is
blame me and asked for money.

Well, I always blame you
and ask for money.

Maybe I could fit in!

Mr. Gribble?

Yes, ridiculous name. I know.

What makes you think you
can be a snake hunter?

To be honest, I have no business
even sitting here

with you gentlemen.

I am unqualified, uncertified,
and untrained.

I have no references.

I am prone to nervousness,

and when nervous,
I vomit in my mouth.

Dale, you shouldn't be
so hard on yourself.

As a matter of fact,

you're exactly
what we're looking for.

Really?

Are you sure?

Go on home,

make love to your wife,

and then come back here
ready to be a hero.

But...

But she's at work.

I'll figure it out.

(humming)

He's perfect.

That moron couldn't find a snake

if he was wearing it
for a necktie.

Kill you later!

Oh, what the hell.

(Squirrel chittering)

There's no reason
for this panic.

There's never been one instance

of a snake jumping out
of a toilet and biting someone.

I even went on the...

(sighs):
The Web.

It's funny how much one little
snake can change a man's life.

My bathroom used to be

where I went to find
comfort and peace.

Now it's the sum
of all my fears.

Yeah man, it's like I don't even
have a dang ol' place

m read my dang a! Newspaper
no more, man.

Don't worry about a thing.

Now that Dale Gribble,
Animal Control Specialist,

has joined what
my wife, the media,

has dubbed Team Snake Hunt,

that snake is all but caught.

Sha sha sha.

BILL:
Whoa.

And best part of all,
I'm working with my idols.

It would be like Boomhauer
working with Wilt Chamberlin

or Hank working with, uh...

Dr. Propane,
I'm assuming.

(sighs):
Just promise

that you'll catch
that snake soon.

I get more looks and whispers

than that bank teller
who's in between genders.

Well, this has been
a great first day.

You guys have
introduced me to sudoku

and we came up
with our theme song.

Now, this might be
the pedicure talking,

but when are we gonna catch
that snake?

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

If we rush into this,
then the snake has won.

Huh.
Gentlemen,

here are your beers
and your banana splits.

Enjoy.

And by the way, your bill
has been taken care of.

Thank you, Team Snake Hunt!

(Applause)

(giggles)

WOMAN:
Thanks, guys.

Hey!

NEWSCASTER:
We begin

with an "Arlen Snake Alarm"
update.

(Sighs)

Just turn the channel.

I hope you're proud
of yourself, Hank.

'Cause of you, I gotta find
someplace besides the commode

to do my business.

Huh?

I didn't have anything to do

with this snake.

It was a gift...

To, to my son...

See, it was my dog's birthday...

Uh, no one has anything
to worry about.

The toilets are safe.

Don't buy into this
media frenzy.

Let's hear you say that
sitting on a toilet, honey.

It was one of the few
pleasures in my life,

and you took it away.

(Sighs)

ANNOUNCER (on TV): For the
shopping experience of a lifetime,

drive up to the McMaynerbury
Mall, snake-free since 1982!

(Hissing)

Damn, waiting for this foam
will be the death of me.

You know, the firemen have
a self-frothing machine.

Yeah, and the cops
have new headquarters

and those matching ATVs.

Why are we always at the
bottom of the food chain?

Because they all have
bond measures.

You know how it works,

cops can't catch criminals

unless Bond Measure C passes.

(mocking in child's voice): Librarians
will shut down the children's weading woom

if Bond Measure L doesn't pass.

Hmm.

If Team Snake Hunt gets
its own bond measure,

we can have any cappuccino
machine we want.

Hell, yeah!

Bond Measure... S
for Snake.

What do you say, brother?

I don't know anything
about bond measures.

That's the beauty of it.
Nobody does.

But they all vote "Yes"!

And once the bond measure
passes,

then we'll catch the snake?

You got it, buddy.

Once Bond Measure S passes,
that snake is toast.

(Camera shutter clicks)

(screaming)

(no audible dialogue)

(sighs)

I keep looking up at the sky

and wondering if Josh is
looking up at the same sky.

You'll feel better
after you build a bear.

KAHN:
Hey, Hank Hill,

snake scandal devalue
my property more

than Dauterive sunbathing
on front lawn.

It true. I checked.

Dale, you'd better have
a snake in that backpack.

Don't be ridiculous.

How would I put a snake
in my pack

with all my sophisticated
snake finding equipment:

Like my personal ionic
air purifier,

my anti-fog mirror
and CD player,

and my monogrammed
flotation device?

What do you need
with all that stuff?

(Laughs)

Don't be embarrassed
by your ignorance, Hank.

You, as a citizen idiot,

would have no idea
how to catch a snake.

Dang it, Dale.

I made you get that county job

to make sure those guys did
their job and caught that snake.

Have you even looked down
in the sewers?

We don't just willy-nilly go
down in the sewers, Hank.

It takes strategy, planning.

In fact, Tommy and Rollo are
in the Snake Control Room

as we speak
planning our next move.

The what?

The Snake Control Room?

That's the dumbest thing
I've ever heard.

It's probably just
the copy room.

The copy room?

I don't think
all the monitors, sensors,

and tracking devices would fit
in the copy room.

I think the Snake Control Room
is more like the Danger Room

from the X-Men.

So you've seen it?

Of course.

I mean, uh,
I've been outside the door.

I don't have clearance to...

It's, uh, it's a lengthy
review process.

Huh.

Come on, Dale.

We're going to see what those
giblet-heads are really up to.

Guys?

Um, I know you said
never to bother you

when you're in the War Room,

but I need to talk to
you about something.

Guys?

(techno music playing)

You were right, Hank.

They're frauds.

We're going into the sewer.

Let's go kill a snake
and a bond measure.

These public sewers are
labyrinthian... tine.

Since Tommy and Rollo
never actually trained me,

we could get lost down there.

I'll become one of the
mysterious sewer people.

Over time, my memories
of the English language

will disappear, and I'll be
forced to invent my own.

(Speaking gibberish)

Get moving, Dale.

"Dear Ex-Idols:

"Someone needs
to catch that snake

"and I guess it's gonna be me.

"P.S. I signed
for your executive dartboard

"from The Sharper Image.

It's on the wall."

Holy crap, he's
going in the sewer.

That Boy Scout is gonna
crash our gravy train.

We gotta stop him.

We're actually
inside Arlen's colon.

It's kind of spooky down here.

Do you think poop has ghosts?

Apparently, not everyone was
afraid to use their toilets.

Look, it's a wheel
from a child's tricycle.

This is a place
of terrible beauty.

ROLLO: Wait, did you
hear something?

Dale?

Wait a second.
That was Rollo's voice.

They're after us!

Well, how'd they even
know we were down here?

Probably the note I left.

Come on!

We've gotta hurry up
and catch that snake.

(Squeaking)

The snake!
Quick, grab it.

(screams, grunting)

(grunting):
I got a hold of it!

It's trying to wrap itself
around me,

but it didn't count
on my strategy

of me wrapping around it!

(Laughs)

(grunting)

I did it!

I'm not sure
that's Bobby's snake.

Oh, my God, it's not.

Oh, Lord in Heaven above.

Don't worry, Hank.

I've got three weeks of
exterminating to catch up on.

Where to begin?

Eenie-meenie-minie kill!

(Grunting)

Ha!

Dale!

Look at that vermin pit.

More like money pit.

Dale, stop killing our money
right now.

What the hell happened to you?

You used to be reptile-
and rodent-killing machines.

Now you're practically
veterinarians.

Hey, nobody gave a damn about us
till the snake showed up,

and no one will give a damn
about us once it's gone.

That's why you kill?

For appreciation?

From people like him?

You know why you should do it?

Because it's your job
and you're getting a paycheck.

Or how about you do it

because right now Dale's wife,

Channel 84's
Nancy Hicks Gribble,

is on her way
to the Animal Control Office.

She's gonna expose
what really goes on

in that Snake Control Room.

What do you want?

I want you to end this madness

and publicly repudiate
Bond Measure S.

(Hissing)

There's Josh!

Are you with me, brothers?

(Grunting)

Yaw.
Yam!

Ugh.

Hey, if, uh, if Bobby asks,

we let Josh go on a farm.

DALE:
Yah!

(Rollo laughs)

And since my raison d'etre,

i.e. The Burmese python,
has been eradicated.

I hereby resign my position.

But what about
future snake threats?

Don't we need Bond Measure S
to safeguard our children?

Oh, yes, the children.
Yeah, what about 'em?

Bond Measure S is nothing more

than an expensive
government boondoggle

that in no way will help us with
our efforts in Animal Control.

With one percent
of the precincts in,

we are projecting
that Bond Measure A,

The Clean Air for Our Children
to Breathe bond measure,

will pass 62%to 38%.

Oh!

You hear that, little baby?

You're going to be
able to breathe.

As did Bond Measure F,

The Children Are Our Future
initiative,

with 67% of the vote.

Children really are
our future, you know.

And in a stunning upset,

Bond Measure S
for a Snake-Free Arlen

squeaked by
with only 59% of the vote.

Tell me
about the farm again, Dad.

Uh, yeah, well, uh,
it's a really great place,

I tell you what,
especially for a snake.

You know, lots of, uh,
lots of mice, I guess,

that, uh, that Josh ate.

That's Josh, all right.

Tell me more.

Well, it's a...
it's a good farm.

(Dale speaking gibberish)

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