King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 10, Episode 9 - The Year of Washing Dangerously - full transcript
Strickland partners with Kahn in a car wash business, forcing Hank to become Kahn's "work monkey."
Well, I'm off to the pet store.
Turns out I didn't solve
their rat problem.
I solved their gerbil problem.
Dang ol'
jury duty, man.
Well,
I'm right behind you.
I gotta get to the office
to work on my presentation
to Buck.
I'm trying to convince him
to put in a new patio
where customers can test drive
the grills.
People are more likely to listen
to your ideas
if you make eye contact
and say their name...
Hank.
KAHN:
Stupid lottery.
I don't know what
I'm doing wrong.
I live in hillbilly
neighborhood,
I buy ticket in crap part
of town...
Buying lottery tickets is like
buying health insurance.
A sucker's game.
How else am I supposed to rise
above this mediocre existence?
I already try marrying
into money.
Minh lied to me!
Hey, Kahn, I know
the secret to success:
Hard work.
Aw, and I leaned in for that,
too.
( chuckling )
Yeah, man.
Hard work fine
for you sweat stains,
but I'm meant for better things.
I need new lucky numbers.
Hey, Dauterive, what date
your wife leave you?
( phone ringing )
I'll get it.
Don't answer it!
This is exactly why
we got caller ID.
To weed out
the un-wantables.
"Out of area?"
I say "out of luck!"
Wow!
Can I not answer the next call?
Sure.
I should tell Nancy
about this.
I have just ended the
telemarketing industry
as we know it.
( line ringing )
Hmm, maybe she's not home.
But her car's
in the driveway.
PEGGY:
Oh, there she is.
( gasping )
You've been screened.
So as you can see,
we can use last month's
unexpected cold snap profits
to build
a test grill patio.
I figure instead
of just seeing pictures
of char patterns,
customers can actually
live them.
Ahh... where did I
lose you, sir?
What?
Oh, I'm sorry, Ol' Top.
I just got no head for business
right now.
Last night I was out with
one of my lady friends,
and the bartender asked me
what my granddaughter
would like to drink.
They used to ask
what my daughter wanted.
Yeah, well, maybe you need
to clear your head
for an important decision
like this.
You know, I'm going over
to Scrubby's car wash tonight
for cruise night.
That's always a good time.
Why don't you come along?
They still do that?
I haven't been there
since my first girlfriend
threw up Tickled Pink
all over my Mustang.
I'm in!
Aw, stupid boss
make me stay late again.
I know he still mad
'cause I tried
to wipe off
his wife's birthmark
at last year's
Christmas party.
That not your fault,
Kahn.
Everyone there thought
it was barbecue sauce.
Life so unfair.
Is it too much to ask
that when I walk by
people say, "Look
at that lucky bastard.
I hate him."
Hmm.
ANNOUNCER ( on TV ):
Money, money, money...
Quick, Minh,
turn up the TV.
Steak and lobster again.
Am I tired of it?
You bet I'm not!
Friends, you too can be rich
like Dr. Money
and have champagne for breakfast
and caviar for your cats!
How much return do you want
for your investment?
100%? 200%?
Okay, Mr. Hard Bargain--
400%!
And all by just walking out
to your mailbox!
Of course, walking to mailbox
not so easy...
when your mansion this big!
( Beach Boys "Fun, Fun, Fun"
playing )
( chattering )
Hey, Bob,
want me to help you
wind that thing up
so you can drive it home?
( laughing )
Good one, Hank.
Because I'll do it!
Okay, Hank, you went
past the joke.
Hey, Mr. Strickland,
glad you could make it.
We were making fun
of Bob Choate's Chevelle
if you want to join in.
Choate's here?
Aw, dang, I slept
with his wife.
Hey, nice car.
You gonna give me
a ride sometime?
Dang ol'... yo.
Hey.
[ Giggling ]
( wolf whistle )
They didn't even give my Caddy
a second look.
Uh, today I get stuck
in elevator for six hours.
Best day of my career.
Ah, Kahn, you got
a serious case of the blues.
You better see a doctor.
Oh!
( theme music playing )
Congratulations,
future millionaire.
Before we begin,
I must ask you to lower your
blinds and pull your curtains,
so that only you can benefit
from Dr. Money's wealth secrets.
Tell me,
what would you rather do:
work hard all your life
for peanuts,
or get rich by doing this?
Owning a turnkey
operation.
What is a turnkey
operation, Dr. Money?
I'm glad you asked, Amber.
A turnkey operation
is a business that runs itself
while you just reap the rewards
for doing absolutely nothing!
GIRL:
Dr. Money,
do you think I could own
a turnkey operation?
Absolutely, Rio.
This is America.
All you have to do
is leverage your home,
car or other assets
into a no-money down loan.
Wow!
Wow!
Oh, of course,
a turnkey operation.
Now we just need
to find one.
Why wouldn't Nancy
take my call?
I'm her best friend.
And she's one
of my friends.
Maybe she just didn't feel
like talking.
Nancy? Please.
Blah-blah-blah-
blah-blah.
Maybe she's mad at
me for some reason.
You should ask her...
Oh, right, she won't pick up
the phone.
Well, there's
only one alternative.
We are going to stand
outside that house
and spy on her.
I wish I knew how it felt
to be a classic car
that everyone loved
and wanted to wash
with a sponge.
Wish granted.
( engine revs, rumbles )
Yeah, feast your eyes
on my mint condition 1969
Plymouth Barracuda, Ol' Top.
Well, you gals
look pretty enough
to be on a mud flap.
( giggling )
Want a ride?
I wonder if that's the line
that charmed Bob Choate's wife.
( horn honking )
Dang it, Kahn, you can't
just cut
to the front
of the line.
Oh, are you saying I act
like I own the place?
Well, guess what--
I do!
See,
I need to get rich
and once I found out
you dumb rednecks
pay someone else
so you can wash
your own car,
I knew I'd found
my turnkey gold mine.
Hey! You guys! No loitering!
This not a coffee shop!
You pay, spray,
then go away!
GIRL: Oh, let's go.
( tires screeching )
Come again!
I don't get it, Kahn.
How in the world
did you wind up
buying Scrubby's?
By not listening to you.
You think hard work
is secret to success,
but I get second opinion--
from Dr. Money!
I just leverage house
to raise capital,
and then find turnkey owner
with a little problem.
Glug-glug-glug!
Six martinis later,
I own Scrubby's!
Now I'm on Easy Street.
( laughs )
I show you!
There are no shortcuts.
Trust me, Kahn.
You're going to see I'm...
What, Hank?
I can't hear you
over jangling of success.
KAHN:
Oh, Minh,
come here.
You ever make love to a future
millionaire on pile of quarters?
No. But ask me again
tomorrow morning.
Whoo!
Look at all
these quarters, Minh.
We finally
on our way!
What are we going to buy first?
Oh! We get full-body CAT scans!
Yes! And then
buy Super Bowl ad
to tell my old boss
to go to hell!
This bed full
of quarters is great,
but can it really
make us happy?
Well, you right.
We need
more quarters!
So you want to make
even more money?
Well, I say,
take a shortcut!
Shortcut. Yes!
I knew Hank Hill
a moron.
( car engine roaring )
( Strickland yelling )
( engine roaring,
Strickland yelling )
( girls laughing )
Whoo-hoo!
( shouting )
Okay. On my signal,
you dial.
Then Joseph
will check
the caller ID
and say it's me.
Then Nancy will say, "Peggy?
I don't want to talk to her
because of X."
I don't know, Mom.
And, besides, I don't
even think we can hear them.
( no audio )
You're right.
This isn't
going to work.
We are going inside.
( chattering )
Oh, Minh,
great shortcut.
We got spray time
cut in half.
Half the time,
twice the money.
KAHN:
It going to cost
five dollars
to vacuum that seat.
♪Head, thorax, knees ♪
♪And toes,
knees and toes... ♪
Hey, rednecks!
No buckets!
You pay for spray!
Not use free water!
Kahn! What
in the hell
are you doing?
If you not putting a quarter
in something, move on!
The sprayer
only gives a
couple of seconds
of spray
for a quarter.
Yeah. And the
change machine
only gives
three quarters
for a dollar.
Ah, so solly.
No speakee Engrish.
( speaking Laotian )
He speaks English.
Dang it, Kahn, you're
just asking for a phone call
to the Better Business Bureau.
Quarter. Quarter.
( all muttering )
Adios, freeloaders!
That do anything?
Little bit?
Nothing.
Our shortcut
drive away
our loyal redneck
customer base.
We going to lose our
heavily-mortgaged house.
Oh, Minh! I can't
live in a world
where Hank Hill
is right.
Damn that Kahn.
I had to use all
of Nancy's body wash
just to clean
the hood.
Hank, what in the hell
happened to Scrubby's?
There's no one there for me
to show off my new jalopy to.
Well,
Mr. Strickland,
I'm sorry
to inform you
that my
neighbor, Kahn,
recently
purchased Scrubby's.
It's fallen
on hard times.
Just when the sun
started shining again,
someone throws a burlap sack
over my head
and beats me with a pipe.
Yep. It's just a matter of time
till Kahn will have
to close the doors
and destroy cruise night
altogether.
Dang it! I'm going to have
a little talk about business
with this Kahn person.
I wonder if
he's going to get
the "Slow and steady
wins the race"
or the "Hard work is
its own reward" speech.
Either one's a winner.
( no audio )
Boy, look at that.
Buck's giving Kahn
a three-minute MBA,
I tell you what.
You know, you can
even learn something
from the back of
Mr. Strickland's head.
DALE:
They're
shaking hands.
Kiss him... Kiss him...
Nope. It appears
to be just the handshake.
Okay, Ol' Top.
I got everything
under control.
( cheering )
Well, this calls for a beer.
Yeah. Don't stay up too late,
Hank,
'cause you got to report
down to the car wash
first thing in the morning.
Report?
But... uh...
That's right.
Scrubby's is part
of the Strickland
family now.
I talked some sense
into Kahn's head,
and now I'm
majority owner.
But... but how?
You know that
test grill gazebo
you've been
talking about?
Patio. Yes.
I used that money.
Hey, Hank Hill!
My new employee!
Better punch in early!
( sighs )
HANK:
I just can't
believe this.
Hank, this is crazy.
You can't work for Kahn.
You can barely share
a fence with him.
Well, I may not be
happy about it,
but I'm not going
to start second-guessing
Buck Strickland.
Everyone thought he was crazy
when he painted propane tanks
like cows.
Now you wouldn't know
it was springtime without 'em.
I hope you're right, Hank.
Do you still have the Gribbles'
spare house key?
No? Okay.
Hey, redneck,
when you done
emptying garbage,
you go get me
mango smoothie.
That is not part
of the job.
Our job is to work hard
to get this place
back in order.
Your job is to work hard.
My job is to sit
in air-conditioned office
booking trip to Mexico
with my hot wife.
See what slow and steady
get you, Hank Hill?
Working for me!
You wait and see.
Buck knows what
he's doing here.
His plan is to...
I don't have time
for this.
I got to go
snake the drains.
Yeah, get to it.
Chop chop!
Oh, but for now on,
you call me "Big Chief."
It'll never happen.
Okay, we'll
keep it informal.
"Chief" is fine.
Now clean up
my gold mine, monkey.
Ow! Bad monkey!
( screaming )
( vacuum whooshing )
( clanging )
( laughing )
This martini is good,
but maybe it would
taste better
if stirred
by Hank Hill.
And I can make that happen.
Isn't that great?
It's like Dr. Money always say,
"Have a dream, then double it."
Wait. Dr. Money
never say that.
Where you hear that?
Huh, I must have
just made it up.
Hey, why don't we
sell how-to videos?
We're Asian,
we own a camera.
Hello, I am Dr. Quarters.
Are you tired of being a hamster
on a wheel to nowhere?
Aren't you dying to tell
your boss to go to hell?
Well, what are you waiting for?
Buy my video
and learn the secret to success.
Cut!
Come on, ladies.
Dr. Quarters is rocking
your world.
Look at him accordingly.
Action.
I was not born Dr. Quarters.
Dang it, Kahn.
I'm trying
to work here.
Cut!
No, keep rolling.
Yes, yes, you are trying
to work here.
Which leads us
to lesson number one:
Get your own work monkey.
Mine is named Hank Hill.
And you can name yours
whatever you like.
Look, I don't know
what you're doing here,
but I've got customers
lined up.
And you will, too,
if you order
my wealth-building system.
( gasps )
What the heck
are you girls doing?
You don't freak the monkey!
You freak Dr. Quarters!
Okay, Bobby,
we're going
to need a distraction.
Ideas?
Well,
I saw something
in history class.
from the Civil War...
Brainstorm!
( glass breaks )
I don't know how,
but I still say you did it.
Maybe I did it
with the powers I have
that I still don't know I have.
( grunting )
( grunting )
( phone rings )
Ma, it's Mrs. Hill.
Oh, gee, I can't talk
to her now.
Here it comes.
I borrowed her sweater.
I still haven't gotten it
dry-cleaned.
I knew it!
Nancy isn't mad at me,
she just feels guilty.
You know what?
I'm not being an adult
about this.
I'm going to call her back.
( gasps )
( phone ringing )
What do we do?
What do we do?!
Don't answer it.
Take out the batteries!
( grunts )
What the heck are you two
doing in my closet?
Well, my sweater's
not in here, Bobby.
I guess I'll just
be taking this
until it turns up.
Heh-heh.
( chattering )
The place looks
great, Hank.
Kahn really seems
to be getting
the best out of you.
Shut up, Dale.
Good work, Ol' Top.
Hello, ladies.
Now, I'm not much
to look at,
but I got
a lot of money.
Are you tired
of being stupid rednecks
living from one paycheck
to the next?
Then you should buy my video
and learn how to change
your life forever.
Look, Kahn,
I have worked real hard
to get the customers
back here.
Don't drive them away.
Just go look
at your catalogs
or whatever you do
in that office
and let me do my job.
Oh, trying to get rid of me,
are you?
You trying to steal from me?
Empty your pockets!
I'm not going
to empty my pockets.
Something to hide, huh?
Kahn, get away from me.
Ah! A quarter!
I knew it. Thief!
That is my
personal quarter.
I brought it
from home.
How many more
of my quarters
you got in there?
Got dang it, Kahn,
that does it!
I'm going
to kick your ass!
Yeah, all right!
( Kahn shrieks )
Ha-ha, you can't get me,
redneck.
Mr. Strickland, help me!
You got to learn
how to treat your customers
and stop calling me
your dang monkey.
Dang it, Hank,
leave him alone!
I'm sorry, sir,
but I...
I just can't take it anymore.
I left Jeans West
to work for one
of the most admired men
in Arlen business--
Buck Strickland.
Not for a lazy idiot
that doesn't know
what the hell
he's doing.
If I don't know
what I'm doing,
how come I'm the one
who mortgaged his house
for a carwash?
How come I'm the one
wearing a jacket of quarters?
How come you working for me?
Not anymore I'm not.
Hank, you know this carwash
is part of the Strickland
family.
You quit it,
you're quitting Strickland.
If you say so, sir.
Who need him?
He not know how
to double up on
our dreams.
That my wealth-
building secret.
Not bad.
I got my own
little success secret.
Never kill the golden goose.
Goose, huh?
Kahn, a business thrives
on customer relations
and backbreaking hard work.
And that's the guy
who gives it to you.
Hank is the golden goose.
Ah, maybe Hank can be
goose and monkey.
Hold up, Hank.
What do you say,
Ol' Top?
You ready to go back
to selling propane?
Yes, sir, I am.
But what about Scrubby's?
Well, hell,
I'll sell my share.
You turned it around
so nice,
who wouldn't want to buy it?
Now hold on a sec.
I'll take it
off your hands.
I've been looking
for a turnkey operation
ever since I saw
an infomercial on TV.
Deal. You are now
majority owner.
Looks like you work for me.
I actually more of an idea man.
Move it!
( whimpers )
Listen,
first thing Monday,
I want you to break ground
on that test grill patio
of yours.
You earned it.
Well, thank you, sir.
No, thank you, Ol' Top.
All this carwash business
brought me back together
( whispers ):
with Bob Choates's wife.
DALE:
Kiss him. Kiss him.
Turns out I didn't solve
their rat problem.
I solved their gerbil problem.
Dang ol'
jury duty, man.
Well,
I'm right behind you.
I gotta get to the office
to work on my presentation
to Buck.
I'm trying to convince him
to put in a new patio
where customers can test drive
the grills.
People are more likely to listen
to your ideas
if you make eye contact
and say their name...
Hank.
KAHN:
Stupid lottery.
I don't know what
I'm doing wrong.
I live in hillbilly
neighborhood,
I buy ticket in crap part
of town...
Buying lottery tickets is like
buying health insurance.
A sucker's game.
How else am I supposed to rise
above this mediocre existence?
I already try marrying
into money.
Minh lied to me!
Hey, Kahn, I know
the secret to success:
Hard work.
Aw, and I leaned in for that,
too.
( chuckling )
Yeah, man.
Hard work fine
for you sweat stains,
but I'm meant for better things.
I need new lucky numbers.
Hey, Dauterive, what date
your wife leave you?
( phone ringing )
I'll get it.
Don't answer it!
This is exactly why
we got caller ID.
To weed out
the un-wantables.
"Out of area?"
I say "out of luck!"
Wow!
Can I not answer the next call?
Sure.
I should tell Nancy
about this.
I have just ended the
telemarketing industry
as we know it.
( line ringing )
Hmm, maybe she's not home.
But her car's
in the driveway.
PEGGY:
Oh, there she is.
( gasping )
You've been screened.
So as you can see,
we can use last month's
unexpected cold snap profits
to build
a test grill patio.
I figure instead
of just seeing pictures
of char patterns,
customers can actually
live them.
Ahh... where did I
lose you, sir?
What?
Oh, I'm sorry, Ol' Top.
I just got no head for business
right now.
Last night I was out with
one of my lady friends,
and the bartender asked me
what my granddaughter
would like to drink.
They used to ask
what my daughter wanted.
Yeah, well, maybe you need
to clear your head
for an important decision
like this.
You know, I'm going over
to Scrubby's car wash tonight
for cruise night.
That's always a good time.
Why don't you come along?
They still do that?
I haven't been there
since my first girlfriend
threw up Tickled Pink
all over my Mustang.
I'm in!
Aw, stupid boss
make me stay late again.
I know he still mad
'cause I tried
to wipe off
his wife's birthmark
at last year's
Christmas party.
That not your fault,
Kahn.
Everyone there thought
it was barbecue sauce.
Life so unfair.
Is it too much to ask
that when I walk by
people say, "Look
at that lucky bastard.
I hate him."
Hmm.
ANNOUNCER ( on TV ):
Money, money, money...
Quick, Minh,
turn up the TV.
Steak and lobster again.
Am I tired of it?
You bet I'm not!
Friends, you too can be rich
like Dr. Money
and have champagne for breakfast
and caviar for your cats!
How much return do you want
for your investment?
100%? 200%?
Okay, Mr. Hard Bargain--
400%!
And all by just walking out
to your mailbox!
Of course, walking to mailbox
not so easy...
when your mansion this big!
( Beach Boys "Fun, Fun, Fun"
playing )
( chattering )
Hey, Bob,
want me to help you
wind that thing up
so you can drive it home?
( laughing )
Good one, Hank.
Because I'll do it!
Okay, Hank, you went
past the joke.
Hey, Mr. Strickland,
glad you could make it.
We were making fun
of Bob Choate's Chevelle
if you want to join in.
Choate's here?
Aw, dang, I slept
with his wife.
Hey, nice car.
You gonna give me
a ride sometime?
Dang ol'... yo.
Hey.
[ Giggling ]
( wolf whistle )
They didn't even give my Caddy
a second look.
Uh, today I get stuck
in elevator for six hours.
Best day of my career.
Ah, Kahn, you got
a serious case of the blues.
You better see a doctor.
Oh!
( theme music playing )
Congratulations,
future millionaire.
Before we begin,
I must ask you to lower your
blinds and pull your curtains,
so that only you can benefit
from Dr. Money's wealth secrets.
Tell me,
what would you rather do:
work hard all your life
for peanuts,
or get rich by doing this?
Owning a turnkey
operation.
What is a turnkey
operation, Dr. Money?
I'm glad you asked, Amber.
A turnkey operation
is a business that runs itself
while you just reap the rewards
for doing absolutely nothing!
GIRL:
Dr. Money,
do you think I could own
a turnkey operation?
Absolutely, Rio.
This is America.
All you have to do
is leverage your home,
car or other assets
into a no-money down loan.
Wow!
Wow!
Oh, of course,
a turnkey operation.
Now we just need
to find one.
Why wouldn't Nancy
take my call?
I'm her best friend.
And she's one
of my friends.
Maybe she just didn't feel
like talking.
Nancy? Please.
Blah-blah-blah-
blah-blah.
Maybe she's mad at
me for some reason.
You should ask her...
Oh, right, she won't pick up
the phone.
Well, there's
only one alternative.
We are going to stand
outside that house
and spy on her.
I wish I knew how it felt
to be a classic car
that everyone loved
and wanted to wash
with a sponge.
Wish granted.
( engine revs, rumbles )
Yeah, feast your eyes
on my mint condition 1969
Plymouth Barracuda, Ol' Top.
Well, you gals
look pretty enough
to be on a mud flap.
( giggling )
Want a ride?
I wonder if that's the line
that charmed Bob Choate's wife.
( horn honking )
Dang it, Kahn, you can't
just cut
to the front
of the line.
Oh, are you saying I act
like I own the place?
Well, guess what--
I do!
See,
I need to get rich
and once I found out
you dumb rednecks
pay someone else
so you can wash
your own car,
I knew I'd found
my turnkey gold mine.
Hey! You guys! No loitering!
This not a coffee shop!
You pay, spray,
then go away!
GIRL: Oh, let's go.
( tires screeching )
Come again!
I don't get it, Kahn.
How in the world
did you wind up
buying Scrubby's?
By not listening to you.
You think hard work
is secret to success,
but I get second opinion--
from Dr. Money!
I just leverage house
to raise capital,
and then find turnkey owner
with a little problem.
Glug-glug-glug!
Six martinis later,
I own Scrubby's!
Now I'm on Easy Street.
( laughs )
I show you!
There are no shortcuts.
Trust me, Kahn.
You're going to see I'm...
What, Hank?
I can't hear you
over jangling of success.
KAHN:
Oh, Minh,
come here.
You ever make love to a future
millionaire on pile of quarters?
No. But ask me again
tomorrow morning.
Whoo!
Look at all
these quarters, Minh.
We finally
on our way!
What are we going to buy first?
Oh! We get full-body CAT scans!
Yes! And then
buy Super Bowl ad
to tell my old boss
to go to hell!
This bed full
of quarters is great,
but can it really
make us happy?
Well, you right.
We need
more quarters!
So you want to make
even more money?
Well, I say,
take a shortcut!
Shortcut. Yes!
I knew Hank Hill
a moron.
( car engine roaring )
( Strickland yelling )
( engine roaring,
Strickland yelling )
( girls laughing )
Whoo-hoo!
( shouting )
Okay. On my signal,
you dial.
Then Joseph
will check
the caller ID
and say it's me.
Then Nancy will say, "Peggy?
I don't want to talk to her
because of X."
I don't know, Mom.
And, besides, I don't
even think we can hear them.
( no audio )
You're right.
This isn't
going to work.
We are going inside.
( chattering )
Oh, Minh,
great shortcut.
We got spray time
cut in half.
Half the time,
twice the money.
KAHN:
It going to cost
five dollars
to vacuum that seat.
♪Head, thorax, knees ♪
♪And toes,
knees and toes... ♪
Hey, rednecks!
No buckets!
You pay for spray!
Not use free water!
Kahn! What
in the hell
are you doing?
If you not putting a quarter
in something, move on!
The sprayer
only gives a
couple of seconds
of spray
for a quarter.
Yeah. And the
change machine
only gives
three quarters
for a dollar.
Ah, so solly.
No speakee Engrish.
( speaking Laotian )
He speaks English.
Dang it, Kahn, you're
just asking for a phone call
to the Better Business Bureau.
Quarter. Quarter.
( all muttering )
Adios, freeloaders!
That do anything?
Little bit?
Nothing.
Our shortcut
drive away
our loyal redneck
customer base.
We going to lose our
heavily-mortgaged house.
Oh, Minh! I can't
live in a world
where Hank Hill
is right.
Damn that Kahn.
I had to use all
of Nancy's body wash
just to clean
the hood.
Hank, what in the hell
happened to Scrubby's?
There's no one there for me
to show off my new jalopy to.
Well,
Mr. Strickland,
I'm sorry
to inform you
that my
neighbor, Kahn,
recently
purchased Scrubby's.
It's fallen
on hard times.
Just when the sun
started shining again,
someone throws a burlap sack
over my head
and beats me with a pipe.
Yep. It's just a matter of time
till Kahn will have
to close the doors
and destroy cruise night
altogether.
Dang it! I'm going to have
a little talk about business
with this Kahn person.
I wonder if
he's going to get
the "Slow and steady
wins the race"
or the "Hard work is
its own reward" speech.
Either one's a winner.
( no audio )
Boy, look at that.
Buck's giving Kahn
a three-minute MBA,
I tell you what.
You know, you can
even learn something
from the back of
Mr. Strickland's head.
DALE:
They're
shaking hands.
Kiss him... Kiss him...
Nope. It appears
to be just the handshake.
Okay, Ol' Top.
I got everything
under control.
( cheering )
Well, this calls for a beer.
Yeah. Don't stay up too late,
Hank,
'cause you got to report
down to the car wash
first thing in the morning.
Report?
But... uh...
That's right.
Scrubby's is part
of the Strickland
family now.
I talked some sense
into Kahn's head,
and now I'm
majority owner.
But... but how?
You know that
test grill gazebo
you've been
talking about?
Patio. Yes.
I used that money.
Hey, Hank Hill!
My new employee!
Better punch in early!
( sighs )
HANK:
I just can't
believe this.
Hank, this is crazy.
You can't work for Kahn.
You can barely share
a fence with him.
Well, I may not be
happy about it,
but I'm not going
to start second-guessing
Buck Strickland.
Everyone thought he was crazy
when he painted propane tanks
like cows.
Now you wouldn't know
it was springtime without 'em.
I hope you're right, Hank.
Do you still have the Gribbles'
spare house key?
No? Okay.
Hey, redneck,
when you done
emptying garbage,
you go get me
mango smoothie.
That is not part
of the job.
Our job is to work hard
to get this place
back in order.
Your job is to work hard.
My job is to sit
in air-conditioned office
booking trip to Mexico
with my hot wife.
See what slow and steady
get you, Hank Hill?
Working for me!
You wait and see.
Buck knows what
he's doing here.
His plan is to...
I don't have time
for this.
I got to go
snake the drains.
Yeah, get to it.
Chop chop!
Oh, but for now on,
you call me "Big Chief."
It'll never happen.
Okay, we'll
keep it informal.
"Chief" is fine.
Now clean up
my gold mine, monkey.
Ow! Bad monkey!
( screaming )
( vacuum whooshing )
( clanging )
( laughing )
This martini is good,
but maybe it would
taste better
if stirred
by Hank Hill.
And I can make that happen.
Isn't that great?
It's like Dr. Money always say,
"Have a dream, then double it."
Wait. Dr. Money
never say that.
Where you hear that?
Huh, I must have
just made it up.
Hey, why don't we
sell how-to videos?
We're Asian,
we own a camera.
Hello, I am Dr. Quarters.
Are you tired of being a hamster
on a wheel to nowhere?
Aren't you dying to tell
your boss to go to hell?
Well, what are you waiting for?
Buy my video
and learn the secret to success.
Cut!
Come on, ladies.
Dr. Quarters is rocking
your world.
Look at him accordingly.
Action.
I was not born Dr. Quarters.
Dang it, Kahn.
I'm trying
to work here.
Cut!
No, keep rolling.
Yes, yes, you are trying
to work here.
Which leads us
to lesson number one:
Get your own work monkey.
Mine is named Hank Hill.
And you can name yours
whatever you like.
Look, I don't know
what you're doing here,
but I've got customers
lined up.
And you will, too,
if you order
my wealth-building system.
( gasps )
What the heck
are you girls doing?
You don't freak the monkey!
You freak Dr. Quarters!
Okay, Bobby,
we're going
to need a distraction.
Ideas?
Well,
I saw something
in history class.
from the Civil War...
Brainstorm!
( glass breaks )
I don't know how,
but I still say you did it.
Maybe I did it
with the powers I have
that I still don't know I have.
( grunting )
( grunting )
( phone rings )
Ma, it's Mrs. Hill.
Oh, gee, I can't talk
to her now.
Here it comes.
I borrowed her sweater.
I still haven't gotten it
dry-cleaned.
I knew it!
Nancy isn't mad at me,
she just feels guilty.
You know what?
I'm not being an adult
about this.
I'm going to call her back.
( gasps )
( phone ringing )
What do we do?
What do we do?!
Don't answer it.
Take out the batteries!
( grunts )
What the heck are you two
doing in my closet?
Well, my sweater's
not in here, Bobby.
I guess I'll just
be taking this
until it turns up.
Heh-heh.
( chattering )
The place looks
great, Hank.
Kahn really seems
to be getting
the best out of you.
Shut up, Dale.
Good work, Ol' Top.
Hello, ladies.
Now, I'm not much
to look at,
but I got
a lot of money.
Are you tired
of being stupid rednecks
living from one paycheck
to the next?
Then you should buy my video
and learn how to change
your life forever.
Look, Kahn,
I have worked real hard
to get the customers
back here.
Don't drive them away.
Just go look
at your catalogs
or whatever you do
in that office
and let me do my job.
Oh, trying to get rid of me,
are you?
You trying to steal from me?
Empty your pockets!
I'm not going
to empty my pockets.
Something to hide, huh?
Kahn, get away from me.
Ah! A quarter!
I knew it. Thief!
That is my
personal quarter.
I brought it
from home.
How many more
of my quarters
you got in there?
Got dang it, Kahn,
that does it!
I'm going
to kick your ass!
Yeah, all right!
( Kahn shrieks )
Ha-ha, you can't get me,
redneck.
Mr. Strickland, help me!
You got to learn
how to treat your customers
and stop calling me
your dang monkey.
Dang it, Hank,
leave him alone!
I'm sorry, sir,
but I...
I just can't take it anymore.
I left Jeans West
to work for one
of the most admired men
in Arlen business--
Buck Strickland.
Not for a lazy idiot
that doesn't know
what the hell
he's doing.
If I don't know
what I'm doing,
how come I'm the one
who mortgaged his house
for a carwash?
How come I'm the one
wearing a jacket of quarters?
How come you working for me?
Not anymore I'm not.
Hank, you know this carwash
is part of the Strickland
family.
You quit it,
you're quitting Strickland.
If you say so, sir.
Who need him?
He not know how
to double up on
our dreams.
That my wealth-
building secret.
Not bad.
I got my own
little success secret.
Never kill the golden goose.
Goose, huh?
Kahn, a business thrives
on customer relations
and backbreaking hard work.
And that's the guy
who gives it to you.
Hank is the golden goose.
Ah, maybe Hank can be
goose and monkey.
Hold up, Hank.
What do you say,
Ol' Top?
You ready to go back
to selling propane?
Yes, sir, I am.
But what about Scrubby's?
Well, hell,
I'll sell my share.
You turned it around
so nice,
who wouldn't want to buy it?
Now hold on a sec.
I'll take it
off your hands.
I've been looking
for a turnkey operation
ever since I saw
an infomercial on TV.
Deal. You are now
majority owner.
Looks like you work for me.
I actually more of an idea man.
Move it!
( whimpers )
Listen,
first thing Monday,
I want you to break ground
on that test grill patio
of yours.
You earned it.
Well, thank you, sir.
No, thank you, Ol' Top.
All this carwash business
brought me back together
( whispers ):
with Bob Choates's wife.
DALE:
Kiss him. Kiss him.