King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 10, Episode 10 - Hank Fixes Everything - full transcript

...and with
the promotional discount,

combined with
your Auto Club discount,
your refill...

Ah, it says outside that you
also honor competitor's coupons.

That is true.

So, including that,
your total is...

Uh, looks like we owe you
three dollars.

( sighs )

Sir, this price war
is bleeding us dry.

We can't keep selling propane
at a loss.

Yeah, well, I ain't
never lost a price war,

and I don't intend
to start now.



Passions always run so high
around Propane Expo.

Uh, Joe Jack, give me a hand
outside with the sign.

Sure, honey.
What's up?

You're fired!

There. Now I just saved us
400 bucks a week.

Wait!
I need this job!

Sorry, no room
in the lifeboat!

Well, I guess that's how shoes
get stuck in trees.

And purses.

Hey, baby doll!

The radio just said

Brownsville Station are doing
a reunion tour--

"Still Smokin'
In The Boys' Room!"

Brownsville Station
is your favorite band ever!



They inspired him
to play guitar.

And to smoke.

Let's go to the Agora Theater
and get us some tickets.

Can I come?

I don't have shoes.

The Station's not about shoes.

They're about rock.
Come on!

♪Smokin' in the boys' room,
yeah ♪

♪Smokin' in the boys' room... ♪

Thatherton's doing it again,
Hank.

He's up to 3-for-1.

Now, when Mr. Strickland
comes back,

he's gonna want the "4."

It's our job to say
we can't find it.

You know who
was a really good liar?

Joe Jack.

He'll be okay.

I got him a job at the Propane
Expo this weekend.

You know, to tide him over.

Oh, that's great.

What's he doing?

Uh, he's wearing
a sandwich board.

He's gonna be
the restroom arrow guy.

( fist thuds )

We can't go on
like this, Hank!

The more we sell,
the more we lose!

The more we lose,
the more we sell!

I'm-I'm-I'm having
a panic attack!

Enrique, get a grip.

Get your heads out of the oven,
folks!

I hired those fellas
from the American Chopper show

to make an appearance
at the Expo.

I love those guys...

the way they fight
and build motorcycles!

Yeah, yeah, well,
right now they in Dallas

building a bike for some
billionaire computer geek,

but I convinced them

to make a little detour
to Arlen.

You take that,
you son of a bitch!

I got myself
some basic cable TV stars!

Huh, I would've thought
big-name guests like that

would charge
an awfully steep
appearance fee.

Well, that depends
on where $20,000 sits

on your steepness radar.

$20,000? Sir, I'm not sure
this is the best use

of our limited
financial resources.

Well, I am!

From now on,
whenever people watch
American Chopper,

they'll think
Strickland Propane.

( gasps ):
Like whenever
I see a blimp,

I think of that company,
you know...

What is it, again?

Anyway, it's called "branding."

Ah, you hear
that, Thatherton?!

You hear that AA-1?!

I'm gonna brand
all your asses!

What are you doing
sitting on your butt?

We gotta get that bike
on the floor

of the Javits Center
by Friday.

I'm reading a magazine.

You stupid, stupid idiot!

I'm not sure
these are the guys

to be representing
Strickland Propane.

They seem to fight an awful lot.

Yes, but they are celebrities,
Hank, and studies show

that people would rather watch
celebrities fight

than regular people make love.

Huh. Well, people at work
sure seemed excited
about 'em.

Maybe it'll be okay.

PAUL JR:
Hey, Pop, how do I look
on this bike?

( crashing sound )

PAUL SR.:
Now you got something to do,
Paulie-- clean that up.

So, Lucky, when do tickets
go on sale?

One hour and six days.

That's a long time
to stand in line
without shoes.

Let's go home
and order tickets

when they're for sale
on the Internet.

You want to get the best seats,
don't you?

Well, how can you tell if
you're first in line

on the Internet? You can't.

If I'm here, I can see it.

Line starts behind me.

ANNOUNCER ON P.A.
(indistinct )

I can't believe
the American Chopper guys

are here in Arlen!

Which Teutul is your favorite?

Mine's Paul Sr.

He looks like a walrus
but yells like a man.

I tell you what, man,
that dang ol' Paulie Jr.'s

like the dang
ol' show, man.

That Spiderman
bike, man?

Talkin' ‘bout dang
ol' epic, man.

You know, some believe
there was a fourth Teutul,

but he fell
into a vat of chrome

and was turned
into a bitchin' sissy bar.

Well, I guess Buck was right.

Look at all these people.

So, Hank,
are they bringing
a motorcycle

made with propane tanks,

one that runs on propane,

or one that just
looks like propane?

I don't know.
Buck handled all
the negotiations.

Oh, my God.

It's the state regulatory
commissioner.

Uh, having a good time,
Commissioner Evers?

I'm not here to have
a good time, Hill.

Well, I am.

Damn it, Dale,
you don't mouth off
to a commissioner.

They give licenses
and they can take them away.

So, Walter,
what do you think

your customers
are gonna like better,

my boys from American Chopper

or your free refrigerator
magnet, huh?

( laughing )

Hey, Jerry Sandoval,
have some ChapStick--

you're about
to kiss my ass!

Afternoon, everyone.

I'm Buck Strickland
from Strickland Propane

and I think I know
what you all are here for!

( cheering )

American Chopper rules!

Now let's have a big Strickland
Propane welcome

for the guys from
American Chopper

the two Pauls and Mikey--
presented by Strickland Propane!

( crowd cheering )

We love you, Mikey!

Let's hear it for Paulie
and Mikey.

And Pop.

Boy, if the crowd
is this fired up,

just wait till
they bring out the bike.

Way to go, Mikey! Big time!

That's what
I'm talkin' about!

Yes!

Bring out the bike!

( chanting ):
Bike! Bike! Bike! Bike!
Bike! Bike! Bike! Bike! Bike!

Hey, Strickland, is this all
they're gonna do?

Yeah, they don't even
have a bike!

I've got magnets!

I'm going over
to Thatherton Fuels

to get a free pamphlet
from Miss December 1978!

Uh, sir, what exactly
are they going to do

for the next half hour?

I don't really know.

I'm not a fine print
kind of guy.

Hey, any of you fellas
bring a chopper?

A... a helmet?

Something?!

I wanted to bring
the "NASCAR" bike,

but these chuckleheads
didn't finish it.

Maybe I coulda finished it

if you would've stopped asking
every five minutes

when I was gonna finish it.

Okay, numb nuts,
I'm startin' to get
aggravated here.

( blows landing )

Hey, let go
of the hat!

It bounced off my face!

Hey, fruitcake,
that's my boy's hat!

Don't make me come down there

and use this size 12
on your face!

( people shouting )

( blows landing )

Uh, would you join me

in the singing
of our national anthem?

Rock and roll!

Yikes! This
is one ugly story

about Strickland Propane.

But it does have
your name in it,

so it's going right
in the scrapbook.

We're making
those animals
at Natural Gas

look like choirboys.

( both gasping, panting )

Okay, now,
let's all calm down.

You're grown men.

Arlen Hospital can't handle
two bypasses at once.

Buck, it's the Teutuls.

They want their appearance fee.

Yeah. Come on, Buck.
We got work to do.

You got lucky
this time, Thatherton.

Uh... you're breathing
pretty heavy, sir.

I'll handle this.

Could you keep
it short, Hank?

I got a job interview
on the other line.

This is Hank Hill,
Assistant Manager,

and we are not
going to pay you
for inciting a riot.

PAULIE, SR.:
You stupid, stupid idiot!

Oh, God.

No time to pray.

We got to turn things
up a notch.

I'm going to put
on some cologne

and renew my
acquaintance

with Jerry
Sandoval's wife.

That will show him
we mean business.

Being bored all day
makes me hungry.

Not to worry.
I came prepared.

Let me dip
into our provisions.

Could I have
a sandwich

with something on
it besides bread?

Soon, Bobby.

Once people start lining up,

we'll be able to trade for
anything your heart desires:

lunch meat, pickles,
Brownsville Station bootlegs.

Oh, good!

Here's Elvin with
our comfort station.

I can't go
in a Porta-Potty.

I'm going to find
a ladies' room.

Whoa! You
can't leave, baby.

No saves-ies.
It's the Code of the Line.

But I can't hold it
for five days!

I have to get going.

I got homework to do.

Nuh-uh. You can't
go if I can't go.

Hold on, Bobby.

Are you still in school?

Seventh grade.

Then run along, professor.

What about
the Code of the Line?

The Code acknowledges that
the children are our future.

I got a call
about the sweepstakes.

I'm here to pick up
my portable TV.

HANK:
Over here, Walter.

What the... What...
What's going on?!

The sweepstakes was a lie,
Walter.

But I did get you
each a television.

I had to test drive

four minivans just to get them,

but it'll be worth it

if I can sit the four
of you down

and get you
to stop this insanity.

They started it!

Mr. Strickland, forgive me,
but shut up.

You're acting like
a baby. You all are.

You're grown businessmen.

We're only hurting ourselves
with this senseless price war.

Why not pool
our experience

to serve our
customers better?

And stop insulting them

by charging less than
our product is really worth.

It would be nice
to charge enough

to at least break even.

Yeah, sure. But then one of you
bastards will undercut me!

That's why we have to stop
all this backstabbing.

Now, if you had quit wasting
your energy on this price war

and pulled together
for a change,

imagine what
you could accomplish.

Buck, I think your boy
might be on to something.

Yeah.

When you think
about it,

I guess we all
want the same thing.

Thanks, Ol' Top.

We really
owe you.

Now, why don't you run out and
order us some pie and ice cream

and such so we can celebrate.

Can do, sir!

So, we all agreed?

We all jack up
our prices,

and we
keep them there.

No backstabbing.
No competing.

Just like Hank said.

Of course, y'all know
this is highly illegal.

We'd better drink on it.

( funk plays )

( vocalizing )

♪Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪I seen you around
for a long, long time ♪

♪I really remembered you
when you drink my wine ♪

♪Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪Why can't we be friends? ♪

Sure feels good
to be back at my old desk

with all these new pens.

Yep. Things have
really turned around

since Buck
and the others decided

to start acting
more responsibly.

Hi. Yeah. I went
to Pine Creek Propane

to sign up for
home delivery, but

they told me
to come over here.

Walter sent
you here?

It's all right, Joe Jack.

We're divvying up
our accounts by zip code now.

Less time on the road,

and more time
serving the customer.

Hank, we're off
to shoot us some whitetails

and whatever else moves.

Why don't you just
lock up the fort,

get a head start on the weekend?

But it's barely 4:30.

And it's Thursday.

Who wants to go
to the water park?!

God, we thank you
and your servant Buck Strickland

for putting this food
on the table.

Sorry to interrupt,
Mr. Hill.

If we could have a word,

the rest of you can go back
to your prayer.

Commissioner Evers?

If I knew you were coming...

Bobby, get him a plate!

Oh, my gosh!

Are you here
to give Hank

some kind of state
propane award?

Well, this
is a surprise.

I am here as part
of an ongoing investigation

against Strickland Propane,
Pine Creek Propane,

AA-1 Propane
and Thatherton Fuels.

What?
What kind of investigation?

It appears your associates,
also known as The Heimlich Four,

have joined
in a criminal conspiracy

to engage in price-fixing.

Price-fixing? That's crazy.

Under an arrangement

masterminded by you.

( all gasping )

Not to pile on,

but the meat's
a little overdone.

All the evidence
points to collusion:

prices rising sharply
and in unison;

sharing of customers;

excessive profits among what
used to be fierce competitors.

Commissioner, I swear on
my Blue Flame of Valor award

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Don't play dumb.

We know you're
the brains behind

this whole illegal cartel.

This month's
TPGA newsletter:

"‘I am happy to have brought
these dealers together

in a new spirit of
cooperation,' said Hill."

I ought to pull your Hazmat
certification right now.

You have to believe me,

I never meant to start
an illegal cartel.

I love propane, I'd never
do anything to hurt it.

Well, I guess there is
something you could do

to convince me.

I want you
to wear this wire.

Get The Heimlich Four

incriminating themselves
on tape.

Do that, and you walk.

( sighs ):
What am I going to do?

I can't wear a wire.

You have to, Hank.

If you don't,
they will send you to jail.

The only decision
you have to make

is whether to shave
your chest or your back.

You don't understand,
this is all my fault.

I tempted Buck and the others

with no competition
and huge profits.

It was like waving
a whiskey bottle

in front of an alcoholic.

Fine.

It's your
decision to make.

But if you do end up
going to jail,

please do not tell them
it was over propane

or they will eat you up.

I give you permission
to say you murdered me.

Hopefully it won't come to that.

Wait a minute.

Testing, testing, one, two...

Testing, one, two...

( door opens )

Hey, maybe we could
take the wives

to Switzerland
for New Year's.

You know, do a little

skiing, visit our money...

( laughing )

( laughing )

HANK:
Uh, good morning,
Mr. Strickland.

Sirs.

Uh, can I interest you
in some coffee?

Donuts? Anything?

What, you got the palsy,
or is the AC on the fritz?

If it's the latter,
bring us a fan.

We'll be in my office

discussing matters
of consequence.

B-but...

Sounds like the palsy.
No fan.

But bring in some coffee.

Try not to spill it.

( motorcycles roaring )

( motorcycles revving )

It's the Teutuls!

Let me guess, you want to beat
your appearance fee out of me.

No, it wasn't right the way
we came here unprepared

and started a riot.

You understand how kids
sometimes don't listen

when you try to tell them
what needs to be done.

Hey, I'm not the one
who sang a song called

"Twenty Grand"
on our lunch break.

The point is, we want
to put on a decent show.

We brought some bikes.

I rode one.
Watch.

( sighs )

Well, it's too late
for a show.

I told you so.

Look, I'm really starting
to get aggravated.

I don't want to have
this conversation again.

( motorcycle revs )

I told you once...

( motorcycle revving )

( motorcycle roars )

( no audio
except motorcycles roaring )

There is something
you can do for me!

( motorcycle revving )

( motorcycles roaring )

( engines revving )

( motorcycle revving continues)

( motorcycles revving )

( engine roar fades )

...which is why I think

we should form
our own ethics committee.

One with even higher standards

than the commission
that oversees us.

Yes, I agree.

As do I.
Even more so.

I, Jerry Sandoval,
have been saying that

for years.

JOE JACK:
Here comes the gorilla.

Oh, no, looks like he's got
a propangatang, too.

Thanks for keeping me
out of jail, Hank.

I burned some bridges
with the Aryans

last time through.

Thatherton Fuel's

giving an extra ten
percent off on refills.

Can you match that?

Uh, no, ma'am, we won't.

But what we will do is
calibrate your OPD valve

and carry your tank to your car.

That sounds okay.

It sure does.

Are the tickets finally
going on sale?

I hope so

because I think I might
have bread poisoning.

The Station appreciates
your sacrifice.

May I help you?

I'd like three tickets
for Brownsville Station,

directly in front
of the speaker tower

to the left of the stage.

You know those seats
are obstructed view?

Not when Mike Lutz climbs up
there and plays his guitar solo.

For those ten minutes, they're
the best seats in the house!

What are you
waiting for now?

The concert's not for
another two weeks.

I want to make sure I get
a T-shirt in my size.

They always run out
of ladies' medium.

Line starts behind me.

You stupid, stupid idiot!