King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 10, Episode 11 - Church Hopping - full transcript

I can't believe we're going
to be late for church!

Bobby, you spring forward,
not spring back.

PEGGY:
Yes!

We're gonna make it
on time, God willing.

And if He's not willing,

He's giving me
way too many green lights.

We are still going to make it.

( train whistle blowing )

( crossing bell clanging )

Shoot.

Uh, excuse me.
Uh, these are our seats.



Pardon me?

You're probably new here.

This is where
my family always sits.

So, uh, do you think
maybe you could, uh,

you know,
sit somewhere else?

We're kind of settled
in here.

Well, no problem.
We'll help you move.

Look, we're staying.

Maybe you could sit
somewhere else.

But... it's just...

Give it up, Hank.

We'll have to sit in the back
with the coughers.

And now I would like to welcome

the newest members
of Arlen First Methodist.



Would the Smith family
please stand up

and accept our blessings?

Oh!

There you are,

right down in front.

( coughing )

I can't get
comfortable.

What'd she say?
I can't hear anything.

Oh, great. Now the sun's going
to bounce off that cross,

and it's going to hit me
right in the eye.

Dang it!

It's just not right.

I've been in the same place
12 years.

I know God's up there,
and He knows

I'm smack dab in the middle
of the second pew.

That was
really embarrassing

at church this morning
when you yelled out "What?"

Reverend Stroup acted like
that new family owned the place.

That's silly, Hank.

Everybody knows
our church is owned

by General
Electric himself.

I'm having trouble

letting this pew
situation go, Peggy.

I don't know, maybe
I'm just being petty.

You're not petty, honey.

It is Stroup who has lost touch

with the little things
that matter.

I have offered her
countless ideas

for adding some pizzazz
to that church.

She's rejected them all.

Maybe we should try
the new megachurch.

I don't want to change churches.

Besides, that place is too big.

What's it got,
5,000 some-odd members?

And it pampers all of them.

They have
their very own coffee shop,

florist, mini-mart, bank,

and a dry cleaner that accepts
all competitors' coupons.

If I wanted to go that route,

I could just walk around
the mall and think about Jesus.

No, I'm just going
to go have a talk

with Reverend Stroup.

HANK:
You see,

we were running late,
and when we got here,

someone was sitting
in our seats.

Your seats?

Yes, ma'am, where we always sit:

second row, right side,
inside aisle.

That new family
was sitting there.

Oh, the Smiths.
Lovely young family.

Anyway, we
were wondering

if you could
talk to them

so it doesn't
happen again.

Hey, I know.
Why don't we assign seats?

I could make up a chart.

Even if I wanted to,
and I don't, I can't do that.

This is God's house, not mine,
not the Smiths', not yours.

Hank, let it go.

Okay, then.

So, what do you do
with an artichoke?

Do you eat it?

Yeah, just not
the furry part

that looks like
asbestos, honey.

Uh, if a fellow was looking
for a new church,

does anyone know a good one?

I got a great church!
You're going to love it!

My church is made
out of steel.

You got to be right with God
to go to my church, honey.

It's hardcore.

All right, all right,
everyone, break it up.

Give the man some room.

Thank you, sir.

You're coming with me, boy.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus is here!

Get back, Satan, get back there!

Jesus love
and Jesus Man!

Jesus, Jesus, promised land!

Whoo!

A-hoo!

PRIEST:
Amparanos, salvanos,

ten misericordia
de nosotros y guardanos,

oh, Dios por Tu gracia.

CONGREGATION:
Señor, ten piedad.

PRIEST:
Por Dios Cristo.

CONGREGATION:
Senor, ten piedad.

PRIEST:
Por la Madre.

FOLKSINGER:
♪Day by day, day by day... ♪

I just want a decent,
normal church.

Is that too
much to ask?

You had a perfectly good church,
and you were disloyal to it.

Reverend Stroup was the one
who was disloyal, not me.

Me, I don't go to church.

Church goes with me.

I'm worshipping
when I'm drinking a beer,

digging a hole
or fishing for trout.

Wow, that's beautiful,
Lucky.

Luanne, I happen to
know it's asinine.

Hank, we have no choice.

It is time to try
the megachurch.

You know, the preacher
used to be a quarterback

for the Texas Longhorns.

Yeah, and I still don't
want to go.

That ought
to tell you something.

Fine, we won't go
to any church.

You and I and our son

will live the barren,
empty lives

of secular humanists.

Dad!

Well, I guess
I can understand

buying coffee
in church,

but do you really think
Jesus recommends Nat King Cole?

BARRISTA:
Chai Tea Latte
for Reverend Stroup.

God bless y...

Wait, is there
cinnamon in there?

Reverend Stroup?

What the heck is
she doing here?

Do you think
she's looking for us?

This is going to be
so freaking awkward.

Pretend we're buying
a travel mug.

We don't use
the ones we've got.

Pretend, Hank!

She's coming
this way!

Oh, I can't be here
for this!

Hank? Peggy?

Reverend Stroup.
Uh, it-it's Sunday morning.

Shouldn't you be
over at First Methodist?

Well, I just popped over
before services

for a coffee
and a cruller.

They're free
to all local clergy.

Why are you here?

We've, uh, well, you know,
been trying out a few churches.

Trying out?

Is-is this over the seats?

You've got to be kidding.

First, you
ignore my idea

about open
mike Sundays,

then you take
away our seats.

You reap what you
sow, Reverend.

If you want a pastry

or some Christian-themed
paper goods,

you can't beat
this place,

but you can't
seriously be thinking

of worshipping
at this behemoth.

Now, hold on.

Just because a place is big
doesn't mean it's bad.

The Pentagon's good.

Hank, it's times
like these

I like to ask myself,
"What would Jesus do?"

And you know
what He'd do, Hank?

He would grow up.

You know what,
Reverend?

I'm glad I
ran into you

so I could tell
you to your face.

We're switching to this church,
and we're never coming back.

Just for the record,
the Smiths have been sitting

in your seats
every week since you left,

and they sing.

ANNOUNCER ( over P.A. ):
The tram to the sanctuary
is now boarding.

Parishioners,
please keep your arms and legs

inside the vehicle.

Oh, God.

HANK:
What have I gotten us into?

MAN:
Oh, I recognize
that look.

You either
just got mugged

or you're
first-timers.

I'm Bryce Carmody,

the liaison
for new members.

I see you already enjoyed
our coffee bar. How is it?

Uh... it's good.

So, would you say
you were satisfied

or extremely satisfied?

Well, I guess I'd say
I'm extremely satisfied.

( bells playing "Greensleeves")

What's that?

That is our renowned
youth handbell choir.

They have played
at halftime of the
Nokia Sugar Bowl.

And they're always looking
for a new pair of hands.

Uh... there's a grown-up

in charge, right?

You don't just leave kids alone
with a bunch of bells?

Absolutely. Mrs. Porter
watches those kids
like a hawk.

I want to make it clear
that we're just looking.

We sort of had a falling out
with our old church

because of a situation
with our pews.

Boy, do I understand
"situations."

A few years ago,
I made top salesman

at McNabb Motors.

The one thing people don't
realize about car dealerships

is the easy access
to cocaine. Whoo!

But God was still
looking out for me.

Sent my wife to taser me
in the shower. Praise the Lord!

Of course, then my wife
was tempted, you know,

by the company of other men.

Bryce, I'm glad
I ran into you.

We got a situation
with a hostile goose
in the parking lot.

I'm on it,

You folks looked
like you needed some rescuing.

Bryce can get
a little too enthusiastic,

but he's a good man.

You're Reverend Nealey.

I recognize you
from the bus benches!

I am Peggy Hill.

This is my husband, Hank.

( gasps )

It's TV

the way I always dreamed
TV could be.

High def.

We televise services on it.

And then, afterwards,
we've been known

to leave it on
for the Cowboy game.

Well, we better
hurry up

if we want to
get good seats.

No need to rush.

The seating's assigned.

I think we've
found a new home.

( phone ringing )

Nealey.

Okay, just calm down.
Why don't you

just order
the bigger envelopes?

This is the same thing we went
through with the cups. What?

How could
you schedule carpet cleaning

on Sunday morning?

What do you think
we're doing here?

Mmm. May I make
a suggestion?

I would welcome it.

You need help.

Well, I admit I was
skeptical at first,

but that church
really understands

the concept
of customer service.

Check this out.

Eh! What's that alien
transponder-like device?

Bryce Carmody,
the new member honcho,

is a manager
at Rattlers Steakhouse.

He gives 'em out
to church members.

It vibrates and lights up

whenever there's important
church news.

It's like
being paged by God

without being killed.

Why don't y'all
come next Sunday?

I'll be honest
with you, Hank.

You leaving
Arlen First Methodist

is the best thing
that ever happened to me.

Stroup is so desperate to keep
members from jumping ship,

she turned the last two pews
into a smoking section.

Yeah. Who knows how far
she'll go to keep us?

When I hugged her
after the service,

I lingered a little,
and I was not rebuffed.

( disc buzzing )

Oh! There it goes.

I better get on the horn
with Bryce.

Hey, Bryce, what's up?

The sermon?
Extremely satisfied.

The Rattlers Steakhouse disc?

Extremely satisfied.

I'll tell you who's not
extremely satisfied.

The Lord.
With Uncle Hank.

And, when he gets
unsatisfied, he smites.

Now, baby doll,

we should be tolerant
of other people's religion.

I guess you're right.

Where are you and God
gonna be today?

Getting a fuel filter
for my truck at Western Auto.

Now, with our volume
in communion wafers,

I thought the price
would be more competitive.

Uh... Could you hold? Yes?

Oh, uh, I'll try
and transfer you. Uh, oh...

Peace be with you.
Please hold.

Peace be with you,
please hold.

About those
communion wafers.

Yeah, we want
the same price you
give the Baptists.

Done!

Thank you, Peggy.

You are a gift
straight from heaven.

I really am.

You know, Reverend
Stroup never got that.

BRYCE:
All right, Apostles,
let's huddle up.

Bryce, I think I can
get deep on old Ace
Bandage over there.

Dear Lord, we ask you
to watch over this play.

Oh.

Oh. I-I thought we were covered
by the pre-game prayer.

Sorry.

DALE:
So Nancy was talking
with Don Ringles,

the sportscaster at channel 84.

( pager vibrating )

Guess which NFC
starting quarterback

is gay!

Now, it's not
who you think.

Hey, Bryce.
Another survey, huh?

Well, let's see, uh,
extremely satisfied.

Condition of the field:
extremely satisfied.

Overall experience: uh...

Satisfied.

Uh, just satisfied.

Well, I guess I deserve that
for having spent 13 years

dealing weed
out of my grandmother's house.

Uh, you know,
I just got home from work,

and I'm not thinking clearly.

Uh, you know, remembering back,
I was extremely satisfied.

Great! See you in an hour.

Huh?

The woodworking club--
they get together

every Tuesday, Thursday,
Saturday and Sunday.

I knew you'd want
to check it out.

Reverend Nealey.

Oh, no.

I'm very sorry to hear that.

Your mother was one
of my favorite parishioners.

Sign here, here,
here and here.

Um, Peggy, I'm on the phone.

( whispers ):
Oh. Oh, sorry.

( whispers ):
Sign here, here,
here and here.

No, it's okay.

You cry if you need to.

Hey.

Which one do you
like better?

This is an extremely
personal matter

about one of our members.

Oh, of course.

( sighs )

I can't wait to get home
and have a beer in the alley.

You know, I'll bet Dale
has an interesting take

on that new super-flu.

Come on, everyone!

Hop on board for
the midnight movie.

PEGGY:
You love movies, Hank.

( dramatic music,
whip cracking )

I say,

even beaten to a pulp,

Jim Caviezel is
one handsome man.

I feel kind of dizzy.

( groans ):
Me, too.

It's 2:00 in the morning!
We've been here over 16 hours.

Well, let's go home
and go to bed.

Church starts in six hours.

( sighs )

( groans )

Peggy, we need to talk
about the new church.

I think things are moving
a little fast.

I know! After years of being
ignored by Reverend Stroup,

in just a few days,
I have become a player

in the ninth biggest
church in Texas.

Well, I'm glad for you and all,

but we haven't had
any family or friend time.

I haven't been in the alley
in three days.

God knows
what's been going on there.

Oh, Hank, come on,
honey, the sky's getting
light-- go to sleep.

We'll talk about it
on the way to church.

( pager vibrating )

Huh.

Clergy business!
Please step aside!

You know, uh,
I didn't get much sleep.

I-I'm gonna grab
a cup of coffee.

♪Do you wanna drink? ♪

Yes, Bocephus,

I am most definitely ready
for some football.

Hey, Uncle Hank.

( turns off TV )

You scared the bejesus
out of me, Lucky.

I thought you were Peggy.

Monday Night Football's
on Sunday now, too?

Sweet.

Say, aren't you supposed
to be in church?

Well, I'm fed up
with church.

My old one didn't pay
any attention to me,

and my new one
won't leave me alone.

You need to get in touch
with God, not church.

You know what I mean?

Uh, kind of.

Yep, I find that sometimes
church just gets in the way.

That's why I have
my own services

at the Point After Lounge.

Want to come with?

I don't know if I can go
to a bar on Sunday morning.

Look at your
TV reception, friend.

I think the Lord is
trying to tell you

to go to the Point After.

Mike check, mike check.

Testing one, two, three.

Before I introduce
Reverend Nealey,

I have a few announcements.

If anyone taped
last week's Amazing Race,

please drop the tape off
at my office.

And nobody talk about it
until I see it!

( clears throat loudly )

That's enough.

( pop music playing )

( singing with record ):
♪Baby, come back ♪

♪You can blame it all on me ♪

♪I was wrong ♪

♪And I just can't live
without you... ♪

( doorknob rattles )

Hey, Aunt Peggy.
Baby doll.

Lucky!

Where have you been?

I was going
to call the police,

but I don't know
your last name.

Where have you been?

Uh, we were at the, uh,

the Point After Lounge.

They make a French dip

stuffed with a whole pound
of roast beef.

HANK:
I was, uh,

trying out Lucky's
way of worshipping.

It's, uh, kind of...
I guess you'd call it lax.

Anyway, it's not
a stretch that you
might end up in a bar.

H-Here's the thing.

I'm done with church. Period.

Sorry, Lucky.

Well, thank you for
at least giving my way
some consideration.

I am not hearing this.

If you don't go to church,

you'll go to hell!

You don't think Lucky's
going to hell, do you?

Lucky is true to his faith.

You are a apostate.

It's a Bible-study word
for you'll go to Hell.

I rebuke you, Hank.

Um, I'm having a little
trouble standing up.

You can keep being mad at me,

but I'm just gonna sit down
and rest my eyes.

Consider this an intervention.

Reverend Nealey is here

to make you come
to your senses, Hank.

Please don't take this
the wrong way, Reverend,

but I-I don't want to go
to your church anymore.

I must admit, I'm
a little surprised.

I was getting reports
from Bryce that you were
extremely satisfied.

And I was for a little while,
but your church,

no offense,
it just keeps coming at you.

I understand, Hank--
see, I went

to a big state school
with a lot of options

and activities, and
that was good for me,

but some people want to go
somewhere a little smaller.

I'm guessing that's what
your old church was like.

Yeah.

Maybe that's where you belong.

I can't tell you

what play to call, Hank,

but I know someone
who might have an opinion.

Yes, and my opinion is
that Hank should suck it up

and stay at our wonderful
new church.

I don't belong there, Peggy.

But I can't go back
to Reverend Stroup

with my tail between my legs.

The Lord will help you
find a way

to get back to your old church,

and He will probably insist
that Peggy go with you.

Oh, now, Reverend,
I can't leave you
like that-- you need me.

My loss.

No. We'll think
of something.

This does not have
to be good-bye.

Yes, it does.

Pray on it, Hank.

W...

( pager vibrating )

( mumbling ):
Megachurch...

Extremely satisfied...

Stroup... pews...

Thank you, God.

Hank! You came back.

Yeah, uh, it seems that God
thinks I should be here.

God knows best.

That's why he's God.

And He would want me
to forgive you

and welcome you back.

Yep. Oh, and by the
way, that's where God

wants me to sit.

Uh, where are the Smiths?

Well, it seems they found out
the megachurch has day care,

a movie club,
and Bible bingo.

Oh, really?

Yeah, that place
is good for them,

but we really
like it here.

That is, unless we have
to worry about our seats
being taken every week.

I can't promise anything, Hank.

Well, I can't promise
you Bill won't find out

that the megachurch has
Christian speed dating.

And Dale and Boomhauer
love to ride on trams.

Welcome back, Hank.

Please take... ( sighs )

your seat.

Good to see you again, Lord.

( pager vibrating )

( Hank groans )