King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 10, Episode 6 - Orange You Sad I Did Say Banana? - full transcript

Can you believe it, Minh?

Ted Wassanasong actually
invite us to his home.

What a place.

I can't tell if that's

a high-def TV or window
overlooking African safari.

You know, it's funny,
even another person's money

can make me happy.

Oh...

Minh!

Look at that swimming pool.

The classic, simple rectangle.



The tiles so tastefully
filigreed.

That is the pool
of a man of substance.

Welcome, Kahn and Minh.

I hope you're enjoying
yourselves.

Your home is
beautiful, Ted.

Thank you.

As fellow Laotians,
I knew you would appreciate

the lowland influences on
the architecture and decor.

Yeah, so did it
come with that pool,

or did you have to put it in?

Minh, Kahn, I'd like
you to meet

my dear friend, Nguc Phong.

Legendary Lao guerrilla fighter

who lead brave assaults
against communist forces?



I am that same soldier.

( laughing )

How about that, Minh?

This guy serious butt-kicker.

Anyway, I'm sorry
they kill all your friends.

Yes, that was
unhappy for me.

But every day I devote
to honoring their memory,

to preserving the culture
of our people.

Yeah, well, that sound good.

Now about the pool--

what you think a smaller version
of it in my backyard cost?

And remember,
I want same tiles

you use with
Ted Wassanasong's pool.

Right. Here's my estimate.

( Kahn screaming )

Yep.

Yep.

My dreams are shattered.

Yep, mine, too.

Have a beer.

Ever since I see Ted's pool,

I can think of nothing
but having one in
my own backyard.

But it too expensive.

Well, it doesn't have to be.

A pool is basically
a concrete shell

with a suction and return system

and some motor-assisted
plumbing.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah, you just need
to find a few guys

who enjoy doing construction
in their spare time,

and offer them rights
to use the pool.

Something's happening here.

Oh, my God, we're gonna
build a pool!

Really?

( all cheer )

Wingo!

This hard hat
is my armor.

When you're working
construction,

your head is still
your most valuable tool,

so you've got to protect it...

Huh?

A rectangular pool.

It'll be like having
a mid-level motel next door.

I can't believe it.

That giant hole filled with dirt

is the place I'm going to spend
the rest of my childhood.

Well, before you do,
you're gonna train

in swimming, CPR,
and pool etiquette.

Huh. I'm still excited.

Is it possible that our life

has finally achieved
total perfection?

Tell me, what is Connie's
grade-point average?

Is it "A"?

A-plus.

And what kind of steak is that?

Is it choice?

Prime.

And that pool in my backyard,
is it a hallucination?

No, it's real.

So it is true, then--
our lives are nearly perfect.

Only missing element is
membership

in Nine Rivers Country Club.

Well, Ted Wassanasong is on
membership committee...

Of course!

And he like us now.

Oh, this coming together
very nicely.

Oh, hello, Ted.

Well, this hilarious.

I just come to shop
for new five-iron,

but then I run
into you guys.

Oh, Kahn, good to see you.

We're on our way

to distribute food
to the poor.

Is that euphemism for
playing round of golf?

Because I'm in.

Kahn, you do know that it's
Makha Bousa today, don't you?

It is one of our most
sacred holidays.

Oh, right.
I guess it slip my mind.

But only momentarily,
because tonight

Minh and I throw
Makha Bousa celebration
dinner at our house.

I insist that you
both join us.

Well, that would be super.
I accept.

Really?

Oh, okay then,
I see you tonight.

You know, it so nice
that lately you and I

able to spend more time...

Kahn, the poor.

Oh, yes, the poor.

I, uh... I hope they get
more money soon.

Good morning.

We're here to sign my
son up for a course in CPR.

We're essentially
getting a pool.

Well, we have a basic,
one day course.

We also have a two week course

which includes advanced
emergency care

for infants and seniors.

He'll take the two week course.

What?!

Your grandfather might
come to visit,

and I'd like to be
able to say we did
everything we could.

Gentlemen, I'd like
to make a toast.

To a man whose backyard soil
was of a consistency

which made for hassle-free
excavation,

and had no interfering
sewage lines.

Hey, Kahn,

dinner guests are here.

Already?

I wanted everything perfect.

Start assembling
my pool furniture.

Good evening, Kahn.

I hope...

...I hope it's all right

if I brought a few
of our Laotian friends.

Certainly!

I think we got enough
pina coladas.

Magha Puja just
starting in backyard.

And ta-da!

Ted, look who is
getting a swimming pool!

Yeah, redneck neighbors
build it for me.

( laughing )

Maybe next I have them
build me railroad.

How that for revenge?

Kahn, the railroads were
built by the Chinese,

not Laotians.

Same difference.

( all gasping )

It just joke.

Maybe too far?

A word if we may.

Nguc and I feel
that you've become

grievously disconnected
from your heritage.

It's as though you've
completely forgotten

that you're Lao.

What?
That's not true.

Take a look around, Kahn.

( pop plays )

Can you point to one Lao
artifact in your home?

Can you recall
the last conversation

you had that
was not in English?

In our homeland,

the Lao man is oppressed
by his government.

But inside of you,

the Lao man is oppressed
by himself.

You destroy your own
ethnic identity.

It is sterilized in the
chlorinated waters

of your swimming pool.

Oh.

You've become what is
known as a "banana."

"Banana"?

Consider the properties
of a banana, Kahn.

Its skin is yellow,
but its insides are white.

But...

But I'm not white.

MINH:
Okay, everyone!
Steak's on!

Who need ketchup?

They call me
"banana," Minh.

That crazy, right?

Of course.

You very Asian.

Very Lao.

But Ted say there no

visible evidence
of my heritage.

People Magazine.

Didn't we have a subscription

to Xaignabouri Muang Weekly?

I guess it must have run out.

There not one stinking trace
of our homeland in this place!

If stranger walk in here,
he says,

"Ah, this must be where
Johnny Smith live,

not Kahn Souf... Kahn Stouff..."

Oh my God!
I cannot say my own name!

Oh, calm down now.

You can still say
your own name.

You just freaking out
right now.

You spoke perfect Lao to
your own mother just last week.

Sa-baai-dee, luuk-saao
tee naa-hak.

Bpen-jang ci ai?

Wait-- are you
saying good night,

or are you cursing at me?

( screams )

You see?

Connie can't
even speak Lao.

That is messed up, Minh.

Maybe you're right.

We could connect
a little more to our heritage.

Yes... that an
excellent plan.

Connie, you remember
the gong we hit

during American Idol?

Let me show you
what it's really for.

Hmm, these weeds weren't
here yesterday.

Hands off, redneck.
That's my celery.

The Lao people are
self-sufficient.

We grow our own food.

We not rely on
big supermarket

to nurse us like
helpless calf
at mother's teat.

Well... okay then.

We're going to swim now.

Have fun,
hopeless Americans.

Enjoy splashing around in your
river that leads to nowhere.

Yeah, it great to be back in
touch with my roots.

Minh buy beautiful piece
by Lao artist.

Painting of people toiling
in rice paddies.

( grunts softly )

It's great to support Lao
culture, Kahn,

but your home is still a shrine
to American material luxury.

I guess I little confused.

I cannot help but notice

your state-of-the-art
home theater system,

and your four-car garage.

Sure, I own all of these
"things,"

but they don't own me.

I'll try to explain.

This is Man of Louang Namtha,

carved by a native highlander
more than 300 years ago.

It's the embodiment
of the Lao spirit.

This is my link.

As long as I carry this,

everything else is
meaningless.

So I just keep one
of those in my pocket

and I can have big screen TV?

You got an extra one
of those guys lying around?

Unfortunately,
you're not ready yet.

It wouldn't mean to you
what it means to me.

So, what for dinner?

Is that a joke?

You know damn well
it's rice and meat.

Oh, of course.

I get so used to American diet
of extreme variety.

Yeah. This better.

( water splashing )

( guys laughing, chattering )

BILL:
Yay! I won!

Can you throw it...
Throw it here.

( tapping )

I will now tell stories
of my childhood in Laos.

Growing up in the village,
I had two chickens.

One of them was named Phouma.

DALE:
Marco!

BILL:
Polo!

( laughter )

I don't recall the name
of the other chicken,

but, sometimes, I would
put both of the chickens

in the wheelbarrow.

This was very funny.

DALE:
I'm a submarine!

BILL:
Don't splash me!

Mm-hmm.

You know, sometimes I think
I'd like to visit Indiana.

Is that weird?

Hey, man,
you know,

dang ol' go with
that feeling, man.

I think that's
a great dream, Hank.

Thank you.

Boy, Kahn's in there right now,

beating himself up
for God knows why,

when he could be out here
floating under the stars.

It's wild.

Ten yards away,
a man suffers,

but I'm still completely
able to enjoy his pool.

I guess I'm just
growing up.

( speaking native language )

Would it shame our entire
people if I sit on chair?

This not about comfort.

This is about being
true to who we are.

It about never being
called "banana" again.

What we need is to focus harder.

( program continues
in native language )

( pop plays )

♪I'll be there for you... ♪

Look who passed!

HANK:
Way to go, Bobby.

Yay!

Congratulations, man.

Let's hit the pool!

Oh, God!

Kahn, what the hell

did you do to our
swimming pool?

It now reflecting pool.

We need peaceful space
in which we can meditate.

We had a deal.

Oh, you had deal with old Kahn.

The homogenized,
Americanized Kahn.

That Kahn no longer exist.

And neither does pool.

I learned CPR for nothing?!

I went to school on a Saturday!

So help me,

the only thing
keeping me

from wishing a pox
on your house

is that your house
is next to my house,

and the pox could spread.

( chimes dinging )

And Connie finally
getting used to eating

fermented fish chunks
and rice husks.

So how does it feel, Kahn,
to rediscover your roots?

Uh, well...
it not always fun.

But as I recall, life in
Laos not always so fun.

So I guess I'm on
right track, right?

Wrong.

Oh, dear.

Kahn, right now
the Lao community

is not taken seriously.

The Cuban exile
community in Florida

is taken very seriously.

Do you know why?

Uh... Gloria Estefan?

No.

They wield political influence
in this country

while maintaining ties to rebel
groups in their mother country.

In the mountains
of our homeland,

there is still a small
but determined movement,

a resistance
to the communist regime.

Imagine it, Kahn--
a free

and independent Laos.

Yeah, that sound great.

With men like
Ted Wassanasong

leading the way,
the dream can become real.

Yes, but an undertaking
like this

can only work with
total commitment.

Oh, I be happy to write a check.

No, Kahn, we want you
to join the armed resistance

and fight for us
on the front lines.

Front lines?

Oh, yes, Kahn, there may
be risks, but I wonder--

is life as a banana better
than death, or is it worse?

Will you join us, Kahn?

Of course he
will join us.

He is a proud Lao man,
willing to shed his blood

for our mother country.

Uh...

This crazy!

For first time
I feel pride,

I feel like true Laotian.

And you say it crazy.

I'm saying that,
in matter of days,

you chuck all the furniture
and pick up machine gun.

Maybe it time to take stock.

You know what I think?
I think

you starting to sound
a lot like...

a banana!

Kahn,

that's ridiculous.

No time to argue.

I have training,
then I supposed to build

sandbag fortress
around Ted's house.

Connie!

You can stop hulling rice.

We're going
to Whattaburger.

MAN:
Nice shot, Tom.

TOM:
You're up.

Sa-dang aa-wut!

Nguc!

You are a disgrace!

You won't survive
five minutes in combat!

Especially you.

I can't have this.

I talked councilmen Ebberd

into making the first Tuesday
in May "Lao Freedom Day."

We are parading from the nail
salon to the boba tea shop,

and we are going
to look smart doing it!

Sa-mawng mueng ngo gwaa ling.

Mueng si pae nyang yoi-yap
nai sa-naam-hop!

Bak-bpuek,
mueng bav-mee pa-nyote!

Sa-mawng mueng ngo gwaa ling.

Yep.

Yep.

What happened
to your face, Kahn?

Finally steal a pool from
someone who knows how to fight?

No. It training accident.

I take butt of rifle
to the face.

Ha! What poetic justice.

You steal a pool
and then the butt of a rifle...

steals the...
health of your face.

Hey, you treat me
with respect!

I happen to be colonel
in Ted Wassanasong's army.

Uh, yeah, I still don't
really get what that is.

I just want
the got-danged pool back.

So clean it up,

and then you can
spend the rest of your life

running around like a jackass
with Ted Wassanasong.

Run around
like jackass?

Ha! Shows what
you know.

At any moment,
Ted could call me,

say code word
"Siddhartha",

and then it not just
running around

like jackass
anymore, buddy-boy.

Uh-huh.

And what happens when
Ted says "Siddhartha"?

Well, we get on
cargo plane and fly to Laos.

If we are not blown apart
by anti-aircraft fire,

we parachute into mountains.

If we not shot on way down,
or die on impact,

we march into capital.

And then... well...

we probably all be shot
or run over with tank.

Some of us
may get taken prisoner.

And then
most likely they torture us

or reeducate us, and then...

put us in their army.

Huh.

Anyone else notice

he cuts a pretty
nice figure in uniform?

( classical )

( native )

ANNOUNCER:
When Ellen returns,

she's making fajitas
with Justin Timberlake!

Don't start, Kahn.
I'm not turning it off.

Who were her guests?

Nick Lachey and
Jessica Simpson.

What were they plugging?

Fitness tape.

When I was a banana, I would
have eaten that up with a spoon.

You know, I'm getting sick
and tired of that word.

You and me both.

I don't know what's worse--

being sent on
suicide mission in Laos

or having
Ted Wassanasong tell me,

"I'm sorry, Kahn, but your
salute is not crisp enough."

Why you let Ted Wassanasong
tell you what to do,

what to like,
what to think?

Isn't that why we fled
the communists in Laos?

And the homeowners'
association in Orange County?

Well, yeah, but...

Kahn, don't you want
to hear beautiful strains

of Brahms come off
Connie's violin?

To eat yourself silly
on baby back ribs

and then fall backwards in
your sparkling swimming pool

like those iced tea ads
you love so much?

( doorbell chimes )

Hey, Ted.

I want to thank you
for making me remember

who I am and
where I come from,

but I won't be needing
these anymore.

I don't understand.

How do you plan to parade
without your uniform?

Oh, my parading
days are done.

It's like this--

if you want someone to play
a round of golf, give me call.

If you want someone
to feel guilty about the way

they choose to live,
call someone else.

Dominga!

( disco plays )

( yelps )

( both laughing )

This is good
living, eh?

You know, someday,
maybe I buy you out,

bulldoze your home,

and extend pool
to Olympic size.

Well, that's
a dream, I guess.

Yeah...

but this is real.

( yapping )

( gulping )

( hacking )

Bobby!

Not again.

Mr. Dauterive,
can't you just chew?

( grunting )

Thank you, Bobby.

♪Now we're sharing
the same dream ♪

♪And our hearts
they beat as one ♪

KAHN: It just joke.
Maybe too far?