King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 10, Episode 5 - A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Clown - full transcript

The Japanese call this poetry
haiku.

Yes, Bobby?

Oh! I was just stretching.

( kids chuckling )

The haiku poem
has five syllables,

then seven, then five...
Bobby?!

What?

There's a magnet in the ceiling
and it has my pencil!

( kids laughing )

( bell ringing )

And the magnet just released.



( kids laughing )

WOMAN:
And that

is how Jesus taught us

not to borrow things
from people,

then destroy them,
then pass them off as missing.

Now, if all the children
of the flock

will join me on the stairs.

Ohh... there's something wrong
with my eyes today!

( children snickering )

( whispering ):
Bobby!

Hello, "dere."

( stifled chuckling )

I thought I smelled corn,

and this confirms it.



( both snickering )

( loud farting sound )

( raucous laughter )

That was not me!

Dang it, Bobby!

This is inappropriate
dinner table behavior.

Now, right now,
I want...

I know.

Go to my room.

Hey, d'you ever wonder
where kids went to

before they had rooms?

I mean, did caveman dads say...

Just go.

Peggy, what are we gonna do
about the boy?

He's cutting up at church,
at school.

Heck, I can't even take him
to the Mega-Lo-Mart

without him trying
to get on the P.A. system.

Hank, you cannot blame Bobby.

He just has no outlet to express
his creativity.

He's a boy; he doesn't need
to be creative.

Our son can make people laugh.

Some call that a gift.

I do as well.

You know, in high school,

we all thought Raul Sanders
was a laugh riot.

Then when he got six months
in juvie

and had a child out of wedlock,
we stopped laughing.

School is not about being
the class clown.

LUANNE:
Unless

it's a class full of clowns.

They teach a class in clowning
at Arlen Community College.

A clowning class?

Perfect.

This is just
what Bobby needs.

A supportive place
where he can work out
all his comedy energy.

Huh...
it's not a bad idea.

It's like running your dog
around the park for an hour

to keep him from jumping
all over the furniture.

But Bobby can't
go to college-- he's 13.

Sometimes you don't have
to be college years old.

There was a kid
in my history class that was 12.

I liked him.

Whenever I would answer
a question in class,

he would laugh.

I went to his birthday party.

BOBBY:
Lie down in your
basket, Ladybird!

( farting sound )

BOBBY ( laughing ):
Yes!

( weary sigh )

A class in clowning?

And you're supporting it?

But here's the deal, son:

the shenanigans stay
in clown class--

not at school or church
or anyplace else

that's not appropriate.

Now get some sleep.

Or stay up all night--
whichever makes you funnier.

( sighing )

I think a clown class
is a great idea for Bobby.

You know, I had a picture
of a clown

above my bed
growing up.

I thought it was God
for the longest time.

I've done extermination
for three different Bozos.

Nice guys, but do not get
them started on gay marriage.

Hey!

Hey, we got your ball!

Hey! Ball!

Gentlemen, this kickball

rolled into our lives
for a reason.

You've still got
a wicked curve ball,
Boomhauer.

I'm going to have
to call myself out.

Bill, get ready.

I'm bunting!

I'm going to get you!

( grunting)

( screaming )

Ah, it's as good as I remember.

So I see you're ready for
your, uh, clown class.

Can you lean back
a little?

Your hair is in
my blind spot.

Do you think it works?

I thought about wearing a hat
on top of the hair,

but I couldn't decide
if that was funny or just crazy.

Now, Bobby, go in there

and give everything
you've got.

And if you still feel funny
at the end of class,

stay after for extra credit.

Got it, Dad.

( Horn toots )

Hi. Bobby Hill,
Tom Landry class clown.

Oh, hi! I am so excited.

This is going to be
so much fun.

Don't you
just love comedy?

( door opens )

Great clowns are not born.

They are made right here.

I make clowns.

If you're looking
for an easy "A"... think again.

In fact, some refer to this
class as "Frowns for Clowns."

Ah... I see some of you

are already wearing
your fright wigs.

The wig isn't something
you wear;

it is something you earn.

Do you know why
the shoes wear big

or the nose
be bulbous?

Uh... funny?

Of course, they're funny.

They're hilarious, in fact.

But if you don't know why,
it is pointless.

Can anyone explain
this equation to me?

Can you explain this?

No.

Until you can, dispose
of your costuming.

You are nowhere near funny.

( horn toots weakly )

All right, our first lesson,

textbook chapter one:
funny words.

You. Name a body part.

Uh... leg!

Not funny!

And here's why:

no funny letters.

Sacroiliac!

( laughs )

Exactly.

It has
the "K" sound twice,

and the "oi" sound.

Excellent work, Boris.

Boris is taking this class
for the ninth time,

and he is almost a clown.

Someday, and
with your help, sir.

Armpit?

Um... no.

But your attempt is pathetic,

and pathos is one of
the cornerstones of comedy.

HANK:
John Redcorn.

Joseph.

Uh...

Connie.

Dale, I suppose.

Gih! I'm picked last?

But does your precious Connie
own custom kickball shoes?

Hey, Bobby!
How was your first day?

Do you want to show
us your juggling?

I haven't learned how
to actually juggle,

but I can tell you
why juggling the fragile

is almost as funny
as juggling the intractable.

Oh.

Professor Twilley knows
all about this kind of stuff.

He's gonna help me
reach my comedic potential.

Uh-huh.

According to him,
Adam Sandler isn't funny.

All right, son.

Well, I guess I better
go hit the books.

He didn't make
a single dumb joke.

He was just... regular.

( thud )

Oh, God, he's doing
a pratfall.

No, wait, that was real.

That actually looks like
a pretty nasty scrape.

Attaboy.

A unicycle with six wheels?

( chuckling )

Oh, the number six.

( laughing )

Are you laughing
at or with?

Uh... at?

Wrong.

Oh, Mr. Twilley, that's
why I came here today.

I'm kind of not getting it.

( laughing ):
No kidding.

But I've always been
the funny kid.

I do stuff, people laugh.

I thought I was a natural.

Have I been wrong
all these years?

Oh, definitely.

But it's not your fault.

You haven't been
properly trained.

Look at your
flow chart of funny.

Comedy starts with the "Ha,"

which identifies the
situation as comedic.

The "Ha" is followed
by the "Guffaw."

This creates anticipation.

Next, there is the "Aw,"

to condition your
audience for surprise

at the final element,
the "Ha-Ha."

Now does it make sense?

( sighs )

Not really.

But you got to believe me,
I really want to understand.

I want to be
the best clown I can be.

I'm not going to give up
on you yet.

I think what you need is
some supplemental reading

from my personal archives,
including this.

It's a copy
of Steve Allen's
How to Be Funny

that he signed for
ten extra dollars.

I'll start studying these
right away.

Uh, wait.
This one's not in English.

You're welcome.

A kick and a miss

for John "No-Scori''
Red-corin."

I thought we said
no bouncies.

Ow...!

BOBBY:
Could you guys
keep it down?

I'm trying to study.

You bet, son.

You're out.

This was my first audition
for Cirque Fantastique.

It seems like just yesterday

I answered to the name
Dodo McGoofGoof.

Ooh, here's where I do
"the pantomime

of the wrong greeting"
entirely in gibberish.

Gwata galumpus.
Ig skalko menifista.

Ha! Yes!

( laughter )

All right, we have established
this is funny.

But why?

It's funny because
it follows Aristotle's dictum:

it delights--
note the gallivanting,

and teaches--

the bear chases you

since you poked him.

And it follows the
"ha, guffaw, aw, ha-ha" formula.

Congratulations, Bobby.

You have just proven
why I am funny.

I think you're ready
for character work.

Really?

Yes, we'll begin your study
of Commedia Dell'Arte.

Classic clowning.

Humph! I had to take
this class six times

before I got to do that.

Hey, Bobby.

So what's college like?

Is it true the library
is open all night?

It's brutal.

Today I have to come up with

a "Commedia Dell'Arte-style
character."

Wow.

( boys guffawing )

( laughing )

Mild deception is
the lowest form of tomfoolery.

But people will think
he farted.

Joseph,
after taking this class,

I realize
that that isn't funny,

and I also realize
that you are not funny.

Aw, man!

But, Connie,
you are hilarious.

Really?

Yes.

In Algebra this morning,

you said Clark Peters
is as dumb as a dog.

But what you were
really saying

is that a dog is
as smart as a boy--

wonderful!

Uh... yeah.

Hmm.

I am a dog as smart as a boy.

A precocious trickster am I.

They call me Tartuffe
the Spry Wonder Dog.

( sighs )

Magnificently absurd.

The comedic requirements
are all there:

intention communication,
inopportunity,

non-naturalism, prancing.

It has the energy
of Jacques Callot

and the ?lan of Waylon Flowers
and Madam.

( applause )

Yes!

BOBBY:
Don't blot my bacon, Mom,

I'm celebrating.

You got it.

I sit at the table,

yet my proper position
is by your feet.

What manner
of scamp am I?

I really don't understand
what is happening.

Now, cut that out...

whatever that is you're doing.

Sorry, Dad.
I'm just excited.

See, I was starting to
think I wasn't funny.

But then my teacher
helped me

come up with this
great new character.

Uh-huh, that's fine;
just keep it in class.

Up to now, you've done
a pretty good job

of not being funny around here.

So just keep it up.

Okay, Dad.

Pass the ketchup.

Regular ketchup,

or one that weighs
10,000 pounds?

Regular.

Excusez-moi?

If you're here to nominate me
for an American Clowning Award,

the petition is right here.

Oh, hello, Bobby.

Professor, my school
talent show is coming up.

Do you think I should
perform a sketch

as Tartuffe
the Spry Wonder Dog?

Bobby, that's an idea
and three-quarters!

It's moments like this that
are so much more rewarding

than winning an American
Clowning Award.

Now, who will be attending
this "talent show"?

Everyone in the school
will be there,

since we get out of class
for it.

Even the janitors get to come.

I have always wanted to bring
classic clowning

to the children of Arlen.

The janitorial staff
will be a bonus.

Now, we must find
the perfect costume

for Tartuffe.

Eh. Doesn't wow me.

Good eye, Bobby!

You, of course,
need something bolder.

What about this?

( gasps ):
And these?

Perfect!

The middle school
will be agog.

I'm going to be the most
popular kid in school.

BOY 1:
I don't know what they do.

BOY 2:
Ask him.

Hey, you're in clown school.

Do something funny now.

Off the top of my head--

there are 17 things
I could do with this
globe that are funny,

and two that aren't.

Wow.

But... you'll have to wait
until the talent show,

like everyone else.

Everyone play deep--
this guy swings a big leg!

( grunts )

The ball was wet.

I-It wasn't my fault.

There was nothing
anyone could've done.

Well, balls come and balls go,
when you think about it.

( sighing ):
Well, I guess that's it.

I've got to get
to work anyway.

I am so excited.

Is my plume straight?

Your plume is
delightfully askew.

Now, will your father
be attending the
performance today?

No. Dad doesn't think I'm funny.

Historically, clown fathers
haven't been very supportive.

It is up to I and you to break
the cycle of indifference.

( phone rings )

Strickland Propane.
Hank speaking.

Mr. Hill,
this is Professor Twilley,

Bobby's clownology teacher.

Professor? You can actually
become a professor in that?

Yes. Any more questions?

Uh, no.

Good, because
you are about to miss

your boy's shining moment.

Bobby, or shall I say
Monsieur Tartuffe

the Spry Wonder Dog,

is about to entertain
the entire student body.

Bobby, practice your flouncing.

Flouncier...

Flouncier!

BOBBY:
Pip pip! Pip pip!

( horrified gasp )

( drumming loud, simple rhythm)

You've stepped in lava.

Now you're moving
through pudding.

Bobby, you're up next.

Wonderful!

A seat in
the front row, please.

( pop music playing )

Excuse me, sir.

Do you have a ticket?

No.

I just have to give something
to my son, Bobby Hill.

It's urgent.

Sir, if you don't have
a ticket,

I can't allow you to...

Did he just run
in my hallway?

You stay here.
I'll be right back.

( girls shouting cheer )

What am I doing?

Go! Fight! Landry!

( girl shouts )

Go! Go!
Fight! Fight!

Bobby?

( shuddering gasp )

Dad!

You made it!

I went by the house

and brought you some
of your gag toys.

I got your rubber chicken,
your... fake hand.

Take 'em out there with you.

You've got to do
your old stuff.

So you think I'm funny?

No, Bobby, I don't,
but according to the notes

your teachers send home,
your classmates do.

Look, this guy's
got you thinking

this jester crap is funny.

It's not funny, it's just weird.

And they'll think it's weird.

And you still have four years
of high school

with these kids.

They'll find
another class clown,

and you'll just be that
creepy kid in the bodysuit

who ruined the talent show.

No thanks, Dad.

I'm a real clown now.

I don't need to rely
on cheap props.

Next up, the comedy stylings
of Bobby Hill.

( cheering, whooping )

( accordion playing )

Huh?

And now, Tartuffe
the Spry Wonder Dog

upsets a ladies' tea ceremony
and is severely beaten.

Oh, God.

Of course I'd like some tea--

as long as it's not going
to scald me.

Ow!

It scalds.

( Twilley laughing )

( quietly ):
Perfect.

Don't be afraid of the silence.

Uh...

Certainly, Madam,
I would like a beating.

Wait. Did I say "like"?

I meant to say "not like."

( loud booing )

( booing continues )

You're getting a reaction,
Bobby.

( quietly ):
They're booing you, son.

You are almost at the Ha-Ha!

The Ha-Ha, Bobby! The Ha-Ha!

They look pretty creeped out--
I can see it from here.

Oh, my God. What is that?

Excuse me, ladies, I had
a few too many beans today.

( loud farting noise)

Oh!

( laughter )

There goes my bean sandwich!

( farting noise with each step)

What?! What could possibly
be funny about fart noises?

Bobby! You don't want
these kinds of laughs!

This laughter is ill-informed!

( resumes farting noises )

This was Principal Moss

five minutes ago.

( kids cheering )

( Bobby laughs )

Oh! The old
"pencil in the can" bit.

Always funny.

Don't know why.

HANK:
I thought I smelled corn,
and this confirms it.